This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening. How is it? Sounds okay? What? Up a bit. You mean away from my mouth. Now. Okay. Sounds a little echoey. Welcome to Beginner's Mind Temple. My name is Rosalie Curtis. Okay.

[01:08]

So, welcome. My name is Rosalie Curtis. Maybe I just talk softer into it. How is that? It's really echoey, isn't it? I think it could be turned down. And I think now, how's that? Can you still hear me? Okay, that seems better to me. Thank you very much. So I haven't given a Wednesday night talk for a while. And I'm... kind of happy that Wednesday night talks are a little more relaxed than Saturday talks because I think they're smaller and they're not live streamed.

[02:17]

And what else? The audience on Saturdays is, or the audience on Wednesdays, I think is mostly residents and very close-in practitioners. So it's not quite as mixed as what we have on Saturday. And I was remembering that in the early 80s, when I came to Zen Center, that Wednesday talks were not public. there was a level of membership that involved making a monthly financial commitment and applying to be something called a Sanzen student.

[03:20]

And then only Sanzen students were invited to Wednesday night talk. And I remember applying and Blanche was secretary at the time And I remember turning in my application and wondering if I would be accepted. And I think that it also meant that you were a student of the abbot. And at that time, there was just one abbot. So things have changed quite a bit. And now we have lots of mature students teachers who give Dharma talks. And I think we're all just thrilled to share the teaching with anyone who will be interested enough to show up and listen. So I'm happy to be here and happy to see all of you. Is anybody here for the first time tonight?

[04:25]

Would you raise your hand? One, two... Is that it? That's pretty good. I'm glad you came. I hope you enjoy the evening and come back. And thanks everybody for coming. So tonight I want to talk about transitions because there are lots of transitions going on at Zen Center right now. And I think there's some sense of waiting for things to click into place. Also, I think that we're all constantly involved in transitions that result from the continual change in the world. Everything is always changing, and that brings about transitions.

[05:29]

And I think these transitions are a very fertile field for practice and study of the self. So that's what I want to talk about. Fall is a transitional season in our culture. School starts and the weather shifts. We come back from our summer vacations and get... back to work. In nature, animals lay up stores of food for the winter or go someplace different and warm or get ready to hibernate. The days, the world gets darker and colder outside and we begin to spend more time inside.

[06:35]

So all the plants and animals and people and Mother Earth are transformed by one season transitioning into another and bringing about all these changes. City Center and Green Gulch and Tassajara are about to transition into practice period. And at City Center, we've had a more relaxed schedule all summer long. I think we've all enjoyed that. And... now soon will return to more structure and more intensity in our activity. There will be more formal teaching and more zazen, more services and ceremonies.

[07:44]

And as happens every year at this time, new people will to be part of the practice period and some current residents will leave to go to some other practice center. So people will take up new work positions and move into new housing. So there's a lot going on and it can be a pretty exciting time. A lot of anticipation, I think. And this year, everything is complicated by the uncertainties of the fire that's been burning in Monterey County since July 24th and is moving very slowly now a couple of miles away from Tassajara. So Tassajara, in the middle of gas season, transitioned to

[08:56]

from guest season to fire preparation, and now it's officially closed and under evacuation orders. So we don't know exactly what will happen next. And of course that's always the case, isn't it? We never know exactly what's going to happen next. Mary Stairs, our city center director, told me a couple of days ago that there were 13 people from Tessahara staying here. And she said they were doing well and they were a huge help to us, that they were being very flexible and doing whatever was asked, really helping out. And also, it's nice to see the zendo full in the morning. I think we've all enjoyed that.

[09:58]

So there are about 30, I think, residents within Tazahara now who, there are people who were trained to fight the fire if it comes. and who made a decision that they wanted to stay in Tassajara and defend it if necessary. So this fire has moved slowly, and as a result, the transition has been quite long from the point of view of Tassajara residents who've been... prepared and alert, now waiting for a long time. And it's also been a long time for the Tassajara refugees who are up here waiting to go back.

[11:06]

I think it often happens that transitions tend to be lengthy because they're based on a confluence of many changes happening at the same time, not just one sudden dramatic change. So whether it's a fire or a terminal illness or a love relationship, changes and transitions tend to happen kind of slowly and gradually. And... that requires, I think, our patience and practice, but also gives us time to absorb what's happening and our relationship to it. And I think we need that time.

[12:11]

It's very helpful to have that time. So meanwhile, in the so-called outside world, that we live in, soon our nation will transition after eight years to a new administration of the national government. And the effects of that, I think, will radiate out in ways that are impossible to trap fully or calculate. will be affected personally, each one of us, and also the nation and globally. It will make a big difference, I think. So everything affects everything else, and it's really clear in a situation like this that it will have effects all over the world.

[13:17]

I'm motivated to talk on this topic because I feel like there's transition all around me right now. And I, too, am involved in a life transition, having just retired from work practice at Zen Center. And it seems to me, in fact, that we're all involved in transitions all the time. Some of them are big transitions like grieving the death of a spouse or getting a serious medical diagnosis or getting married or having children. And some of them are things like going in and out of a relationship. graduating from school, losing a parent, changing jobs, moving into Zen Center for a practice period or signing up for an online practice period, giving up smoking or drinking, taking a trip abroad.

[14:44]

These are all transitions. of sort of a medium-sized nature. And then there are the tiny daily micro-transitions that we all have all the time. Getting out of bed in the morning. Stepping into our bath. Getting dressed for work. Starting a new book. beginning or ending a meditation session, breaking for lunch, things that we do all the time, really small things, but they have the characteristics of transition. We go from one thing to another. We become involved in a different life and activity. So many of these transitions, in addition to changing something objective about how we relate to the world, also bring out lots of emotions and feelings that I think it's worth paying attention to.

[16:03]

Once a student at a Q&A after a Dharma talk, asked Suzuki Roshi if he would summarize the teaching of Buddhism in a single phrase. And everybody laughed, as I think you can imagine, and Suzuki Roshi laughed too. And then he said, everything changes. It's a wonderful answer, isn't it? Isn't that... that that's the most basic Buddhist teaching, everything changes. So I think that the two most basic Buddhist teachings are very useful to keep in mind as we explore our responses to transitions.

[17:09]

And those two are impermanence and non-self. So Buddha taught that everything is constantly changing from moment to moment and never stops for a moment. And all our transitions are caused by all these changes. I think that's pretty obvious. But still, it's possible at the time that something begins to happen to forget that and wonder, well, why me now? Why is this happening now? So it's helpful to remember that it's just the nature of time and change that these things happen. But I want to say a little bit more about Buddha taught that nothing and no one in this world has a fixed, lasting identity that's separate from and independent from other things in the world, from everything else.

[18:33]

We only exist dependent on the conditions that support our existence. Right? He didn't say that there was no self. He just said that it couldn't be separated from things that are not the self. So there's not self and other, he said. My self is supported by... non-self elements such as sun and air and light and trees and water and medicine and teachers and buses. I could fill the pages of this talk with all the things that support my life, but I think you get the idea. I suppose the negative way to understand this is that we can't control even our own self.

[19:51]

We age, we get sick, we die. Our bodies and minds don't necessarily do what we want them to do. And we don't have any real effective ownership or control over this body-mind combo that we call our self. So that's the negative side of non-self. The positive side is that our identity is fluid. And we can be many different things. We can reinvent ourselves. We can manifest different aspects of our potential. And this is very important when we are involved in transitions because we may need to become something or someone else as things change.

[21:06]

If I lose my husband, I'm no longer a wife. I don't have that identity anymore. And I can't be work leader if that position isn't offered to me. So if we try to cling to an identity that isn't supported, by conditions, will suffer. And if we can allow an identity that is supported by conditions, then we can be in harmony and live in peace and happiness. because everything is constantly changing in ways that we have no control over, sometimes transitions are thrust upon us that we don't want.

[22:23]

And on the other hand, sometimes we initiate transitions by choice. And in either case, we move into something new, to move into something new, we may have to let go of something old. So often there's an experience of loss in a transition, whether it's positive or negative. Then too, some transitions, or seem to us to involve how other people see us, some judgment about us, or how we're valued in a community. So our small self may step forward and say, why me or why not me?

[23:32]

And I think that... giving positions, work positions, is particularly tender in this regard. We may wonder why a particular person is chosen for something and not someone else. We can have our feelings hurt in that way. So we can experience many emotions in our transitions. We may feel excitement, eagerness, and anticipation if it's a transition that we want, or hurt, anger, resentment, sadness, grief, frustration if it's a transition that's been thrust upon us against our will. And in either case,

[24:33]

We might feel anxious about embarking on the unknown. Or, on the other hand, we might be curious and interested to see how things will unfold. So that can go either way, I think. And... Sometimes we have a mixture of all of those feelings for any kind of transition. Starting a new job may bring up nervousness if we're worried about whether we can be the person needed to do that job. And we may seek a particular position that we think will cement some kind of identity for us. So we may want some position of power.

[25:38]

And in that way, our delusions of self can get twisted up into transitions. Because everything's constantly changing, every moment, we can't hold on to anything, even our own identity. We are changing, too. We all know this. So we were babies, and then we were children, and teenagers, and adults. Now I'm a senior citizen. So we've completely changed. We're different people. And I'm not the same person I was even half an hour ago.

[26:41]

My body and mind are different. And I don't know what I'll be experiencing even a minute from now. But So my only identity is how I can be, how I can exist in relationship to everything that's happening right now, all the changes that are continuously happening. So in a moment, I'm going to be a different person, always. And this happens so fast that I can't keep up with it. I can't fathom it. I can't apprehend the moment or my identity. The path of practice at San Francisco Zen Center is the Bodhisattva way. And we all, well, I don't know about all, we aspire to be Bodhisattvas at the end of this

[27:53]

you will voice your aspiration to be a bodhisattva. And we want to live to benefit all beings. One of our models of bodhisattva practice is Avalokitesvara, the bodhisattva of compassion, who is often depicted as having a thousand... hands and arms. And in each hand, there's a different tool. She's called the hearer of the cries of the world. And she comes to help us when we're suffering. She represents the ideal of meeting each person where they need to be met and assisting with suffering as needed.

[29:12]

So her identity is fluid. She can be whatever she needs to be to be helpful. in a given situation. And for that reason, we may not always recognize her as Avalokiteshvara when she appears in our life. We may see her as our mother or sister or our friend or our enemy or our teacher or... our neighbor. We may not realize that she's Avalokiteshvara. And especially in a transition, I think it can help us to break down the barriers that exist between us and other people if we're able to

[30:19]

imagine or recognize that these people that we encounter in our life situations might be Avalokiteshvara, there to provide just the experience that we need to have. And I think this is especially helpful if we're having difficulty with someone or if we're in an unwanted transition. In our monthly residence meetings at City Center, a spot on the agenda is allotted for what we call celebrations and mornings. M-O-U-R-N. And this is one of my favorite parts of the meeting, actually.

[31:25]

Everyone is invited to share with us all an occasion of celebration or mourning. And so a lot of these include transitions of various sizes. And I think it's a really... helpful way for us to understand each other and get closer to each other, have compassion for each other, and feel connected. I want to talk a little bit about my own transition into retirement and how I've been practicing with it. This is a very positive transition for me. It's something I looked forward to. And it's a transition that I initiated. And even so, things come up that I want to talk about.

[32:30]

I'm surprised it's that late. So for example, in order to retire, I had to give up managing the bookstore, which I really had a lot of fun doing. I really enjoyed it, and it was hard to do that. But I also really wanted to retire. So in a transition like that, there can be a feeling of loss, even if it's something you want to do. And also, I think in our culture, I certainly do, and I think a lot of us identify with our work. I'm the Eno, I'm the Tano, I'm the Tenzo, I'm this, I'm that. And what if you don't have work? So I noticed...

[33:40]

then I immediately went to, I'm a retired person. I just took on a different identity, which is sort of the opposite, you know? So it seems to be very hard to be without an identity. I think in a social situation, we ask people, well, what do you do? And it's not a way of being nosy. It's saying, hello, tell me about yourself. It's a conversation starter, you know? So in that culture, there's that to contend with. But it's a pretty small problem. Also, I think that there isn't so much of a culture of the idea of retiring for a Zen priest. So people would ask me, well, what does that mean?

[34:45]

And I would say, well, I'm not retiring as a priest. I'll still continue to practice and teach. And in fact, I'll have more free time so I can study more and teach more. And that's what I want to do. But I just won't have a work practice position. I started out with... So in my mind, what this is, is... Initially, it is time to explore what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don't want to... I won't spend the whole time for years and years exploring what I want to do with the rest of my life, but that's what I'm doing right now. And I started out with a short list of things that I definitely wanted to devote more time to.

[35:55]

And I'm doing... some of the things on that list, not in the order that I would have expected. It's kind of surprising and interesting. And I also found that there are activities that I thought I didn't do because I didn't have time for, that I have discovered I didn't do because I don't want to do. I don't know what will happen about that. It's very illuminating to notice my responses to the various tasks and activities, which ones I put off because I don't like them or because I have anxiety about them, and which ones I'm eager to do. And I... get up in the morning full of verve to continue this activity.

[36:59]

So I'm just feeling my way and noticing my responses to things. I've been hanging out and very much enjoying the leisure to see what's most compelling. I'm... and I feel very fortunate to have that luxury. I notice that when people ask me what I'm doing, which I don't want to discourage you from doing, I feel like I should have more to say to show that I'm moving in some direction. So it's very interesting. Nobody's pressuring me. It's coming from in here that I feel like somehow I'm not doing enough. But I actually think it's appropriate to go slow and for the time being to do the things that I enjoy doing and just pay really close attention.

[38:18]

to what's happening and how I feel about things. So I notice that there are certain activities that bring up anxiety and procrastination, and then there are other activities that bring up excitement and curiosity and eagerness and happiness. You can't just always do what you want to do, but we'll see what happens. One surprise, maybe it shouldn't be a surprise, is that without the distraction of work, I notice loneliness. And then it drives me to go find connection. So I think that's a good thing. And... I feel very, very fortunate to be able to retire within this community.

[39:22]

I think it's a blessing that most people don't have. So I do have some ideas about things I may wanna get involved in in the future, but not now. I wanna take some time and not get busy for a little while. So I hope that all of you will be able to do this at critical points in your life. I think it's, I think in a transition, being able to just be and notice is a wonderful thing. Paying attention is the way to study yourself.

[40:24]

And these are possibly the most important times in your life. They're rare. They're opportunities to learn, whether they're good transitions or negative transitions. they may be opportunities to learn something that you won't ever have again in quite that way. So these are, I think, some of the most meaningful times in our lives. And I really encourage you to make the most of them. So my understanding of our practice is that we use everyday activities including Zazen, to develop qualities of character that we'll need in the most difficult times of our lives.

[41:25]

Once Mel Weitzman said that when he is sick, when he has a cold or the flu, he pretends he's dying as a way to practice for that character. greatest of all transitions. And in the same way, I think we can use our small transitions to study ourselves so that we can be more skillful with larger transitions when they come around. And all of our transitions are excellent opportunities to practice mindfulness, and study the self. So I hope you'll take advantage. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost, and this is made possible by the donations we receive.

[42:33]

Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click. giving. May we fully enjoy the Domo.

[42:47]

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