Good evening. Oops, there I am. And here you are. Thank you so much for coming tonight. I want to say right away, for those of you who were here a few weeks ago, I gave a talk. My name is Joan Amaral, and I mentioned a picture of that had me in it flanked by my two teachers, Blanche and Darlene, and I'm happy to say that they're both here tonight. I feel so supported by both of you. Thank you so much for being here. I also didn't mention another person who has been very important to me over the years as a teacher. Lou, thank you so much, Lou, for all of your help over the years, for the ways that you're trying to help me.

[01:09]

And I just want to say that I, every morning, do a personal service for the benefit of the temple, for the practitioners of the temple, and also for these three people, for Blanche, Darlene, and Lou. So I'm holding you both all three of you very close during these few months of the practice period. And just before coming down, you know, I'm in my room going, oh my God, oh my God, I can't believe this is happening. It's so ordinary just to sit and kind of have a conversation with you all. And at the same time, it's also kind of a big event. But I'm looking at my altar that has the three photos of Blanche, Darlene, and Lou. And The picture of Lou and me is from my jukai in 2000. And it's actually just the back of your head, Lou. But it was a very handsome back of the head.

[02:14]

And there is something about the, he's looking at me, you know, just freshly jukai'd in the courtyard. He's just looking at me with a sort of attention, a watchful attentiveness that is just incredibly good. And we're all benefiting from that kind of attention from all the many teachers that we're surrounded by. So, let's see. You know, during this practice period, we're studying Suzuki Roshi. It's 50 years since Suzuki Roshi came to the United States and began this whole thing, San Francisco Zen Center.

[03:15]

And I didn't personally know him. And for a long time, I felt a lot of... sadness about never having met him and sort of feeling kind of left out and, oh, you know, really wanting to have met him. And recently, I would say actually in the past few years, I've started to feel like I'm meeting him through the generation that actually did know him. And we are so fortunate that this generation is still alive and with us, practicing with us, teaching us. the other person who's still with us and who's actually with us at Zen Center for the next few days is his son, Uitsu, Suzuki Roshi. And, you know, it's interesting because what I wanted to talk about tonight was composure. And this morning I had the great opportunity of being able to sit right next to

[04:26]

Huitzu, Suzuki Roshi. And the whole time he's right next to me, I'm just hearing this deep breathing, you know, this wonderful kind of dragon breathing. And, you know, I'm sitting there going, oh my God, Huitzu's right next to me. And also... the talk tonight, you know, thinking about the talk and what am I going to say? And then I'd hear this deep breathing, you know, this... And it felt so supportive, so bringing me back into my body, into this moment, into this seat, this sendo. And... I'm thinking all this time, wow, what a great teaching, this deep breathing.

[05:28]

I need to start breathing like that in Zazen. Then I find out later on he's got asthma. Part of this, I think this is right there in there with composure. When I think of composure, one of the first things I think of is a lack of composure, you know, kind of conventionally of, you know, the thought of composure oftentimes arises when there isn't composure happening. And within that, there's also this feeling of limitation or, you know, so I've been thinking today about, oh, what a great example of someone's, you know, problem or some thing, asthma happening there. You know, right in the middle of my delusions, still, there's some, it was extremely grounding to sit next to him and to hear that, to experience that. So the other thing that's happening is you can probably hear in my voice, I've been sick.

[06:35]

And this is something that the building, people in the building are, and, you know, I think probably many people right now are... working with sickness, with flu, having the flu or colds. And so, sure enough, Suzuki Roshi has something to say about that. I wanted to read to you. This is from Not Always So... I think all of a sudden I'm drawing a blank. This is the book that Ed Brown worked on. Yeah, Edward Brown, who spoke here a few weeks ago. Maybe some of you heard him. God bless you, Rosa. So he says in a chapter called Sun-Faced Buddha, Moon-Faced Buddha, probably many of you are familiar with this already, right away, lately I have been sick. And because I have been practicing zazen for many years, oh no, I just realized I didn't bring my watch.

[07:41]

Do you have your watch on? Okay. Maybe I should keep that close. Yeah, thank you. Thank you very much. Okay. It's nice and warm. Okay. Lately I've been sick, and because I have been practicing zazen for many years, some people may say he will not catch cold or suffer from the flu. But isn't it funny he stayed in bed so long? And then he goes on to say, we may believe that zazen will make us physically strong and mentally healthy, but a healthy mind is not just healthy in the usual sense, and a weak body is not just a weak body. My voice may not be very good yet, but today I'm testing it.

[08:43]

Whether it works or not, or if I speak or not, is not a big problem. Whatever happens to us is something that should happen. The purpose of our practice is to have this kind of complete composure. Well, you know, I can say that when I got sick, I was actually out of the schedule for a couple days, and that wasn't so easy. Well, I sort of think, in a way, it was really easy because I was so sick. I wasn't going to be going anywhere. I got up and rang the wake-up bell and did the Jundo. But then I went back to bed. And even at one point, Blanche leaned over to me in the Zendo because I was sitting down just for a moment before I was going to get up and go to bed. And she said, could you be Doshi for service? And I said, no. So... This was, and I didn't want to carry on the conversation too much, getting too close with, you know, I was coughing and everything was going on, but this was the beginning of a process of, you know, humbling is a word that comes to mind.

[09:57]

I'm in the position of Shuso for this practice period, which is sort of like head student, we say, and basically it just means I'm a student. like everybody else, but just sort of push forward a little bit. And I do a couple things, like ring the wake-up bell and sit here and give a talk. But Jordan, who had said to me early on in the summer when I knew that this was coming up, that a quality of a chiseau was humility, was being humble. And I immediately thought, hmm, what's he trying to tell me? And lately I've been thinking, oh, the way I understand it now, it's not so much coming in with this quality, it's entering this whole experience of being chuseau. And it's kind of like humility is arising.

[10:58]

So for instance, being sick, first of all, the building, many people in the building started to get sick. And so the first week of sickness, my kind of mania kicked in. I felt myself compensating for the sickness, sort of running around doing things, watching it, watching it happen, and then getting into all kinds of trouble, throwing my opinions around in staff meetings. It was my first staff meeting going to issue so and practice committee meeting and kind of watching that whole process. And then finally... I just got sick. And so then I had the wonderful experience of having you, many of you, come visit me and bring me food. And thank you so much for that. And along with that thank you, I want to say that I feel that that was...

[12:04]

a bit of a shortcoming on my part. I kind of feel, looking back on it, that I rely on my energy quite a bit, and so when I'm sick, there's kind of a retreat that happens. I talked a few weeks ago about being a private person, and in my mind was when I'm sick that I retreat. But what about for all of you? Before I got sick, when you were sick, you know, I haven't practiced at City Center for the last several years. At Tassajara, the Shouseau would visit the sick people. But here you have residence reps. And, you know, and it's an urban temple. And I went into a feeling of overwhelm. Urban temple meaning people coming in and out, people who don't live in the building who come to practice here, guest students coming in and out, and I just... So in some ways, in a very important way, my getting sick, actually, I feel, brought me back into the practice period and brought me back into being Shuso.

[13:24]

So... Anyway, that was... That felt like kind of a big thing. So in my mania, I think that's when I started thinking about this composure. In my mania, just running around, compensating, old habit energy kicking in. And then I had some time to just sort of be when I was just lying in bed. And... look at what happens to me when I feel like things are falling apart. So, Suzuki Roshi goes on to say, in the Blue Cliff Record, there's a koan concerning Baso Doitsu. Baso was big and physically very strong, a man of great stature. Once when Baso was ill... The monk who took care of the temple came to visit him and asked, how are you doing?

[14:31]

Are you well or not? And Basso said, sun-faced Buddha, moon-faced Buddha. So the sun-faced Buddha is supposed to live for 1,800 years. And the moon-faced Buddha lives only one day and one night. Suzuki Roshi says... When I'm sick, I may be the moon-faced Buddha. When I'm healthy, I'm the sun-faced Buddha. But the sun-faced Buddha or the moon-faced Buddha has no special meaning. Whether I am ill or healthy, I'm still practicing zazen. There's no difference. And then he says again, if I didn't get it the first time, The point is to attain complete composure. So this thing about composure, you know, later on he says, when you're sitting, I say, don't think.

[15:40]

Don't think means not to treat things in terms of good or bad, heavy or light. And then here it is, we've heard this many times, just accept things as it is. So hearing that, somehow this time around, I realized things as it is. I never really included myself in that, excepting this thing as it is, this person, this self. And it reminded me of the Shuso entering ceremony, which some of you were at. you know, there are all these ceremonies that happen around here, and in the Shuso entering ceremony, it's kind of, it's when the Shuso officially takes the position of being Shuso, and there's an encounter that the Shuso has with the practice period leader, in this case it was Blanche,

[16:50]

And one of the lines that the Shuso says, because it's scripted, but usually even though the words are already set, there's some feeling, some genuine feeling there. And there was. What the line was that I was to say was, you know, I've received Buddha's precepts. I've entered this temple. but I'm not yet ready to be Shiseo. And then you sort of turn away, like you're going to leave. And Blanche said very quietly, I don't know if you all could hear her, you were there. You know, trust this mind. This very mind is Buddha. trust this mind she said it three times in different ways how many times have I heard that how many times have we heard that you know in hearing Suzuki Roshi through Blanche she's quoted him many times saying you're perfect just as you are you all know the corollary right

[18:14]

but you could use a little improvement. Anyway, this thing about you're perfect just as you are. Do you remember when Blanche last spoke, she said that when she first heard him say that, as a new student, she thought, yeah, but he couldn't mean me. You know, how many of us feel that, you know, actually? And when I asked that, When I've heard Blanche say that, it's, oh, Blanche, wow, humility. But I didn't really think about myself. So how about that? Can I really receive that? Can I really act in accord with that? This very mind, this mind of... goes manic when I feel that things are starting to fall apart.

[19:17]

That does not want to get sick. That sort of feels some pride about not getting sick. So sort of thinking that how to cultivate this trust that this right now Each one of us, each one of you, no matter how you're sitting, if you're sitting in full lotus or sitting in a chair or you're falling asleep, this very mind right now is Buddha. I don't know. Composure. So one of my favorite things when I was Eno down in Tassajara was to train kokyos. And the kokyo is the person who introduces the chance. You know, it's kind of a call and response thing.

[20:22]

The kokyo says something and then the sangha takes it up. And it's wonderful if you've ever been kokyo that you sort of put yourself out there, heart of great, you know, it's just you and your voice. How intimate is that? Like right now, my voice, like breaking the silence. And then the sangha takes it up. And one of the things I have felt in my own body, in my own experience as Kokyo, which, by the way, still terrifies me to be Kokyo, is it seems to me that the most important thing... That was the topic of the small groups this afternoon. Suzuki Roshi used to say that a lot, and what followed was usually different. The most important thing is... Anyway, in this instance, for me, it was for the Kokyo to take their place. If they were standing as Kokyo, to feel their feet on the ground.

[21:25]

And to get rid of, as much as possible, any feelings of, oh my God, me, you want me to be Kokyo? Oh, I'm not good enough, or what am I doing here? During the rehearsal. During the rehearsal, to just... you know, there's the Kokyo spot right there, to just take your place and be there and see what it looks like from that point of, see what the room looks like. You're going to look this way, you're going to see the light switch, you know, whatever, to just get really familiar with that spot so you can inhabit it fully when the time comes for you to be Kokyo. And that was really enjoyable for me. And I'm thinking now about, so each of you could be considering, oh, what does it mean for me to take my place in whatever Dharma position you have within Zen Center or in your lives, within your relationships, in your jobs?

[22:34]

What is my place and inhabiting it fully? As Chusot, what I'm feeling right now is, oh, it's this long thing that keeps changing, by the way. I still don't really know what Chusot is, although coming out of this period of sickness, it does feel like bringing food to people, visiting people, saying hello to people, being available. But within this... There's also, you know, fear of disappointing you, not being, I don't know what a good enough shisou would even look like, but, you know, a fear of disappointment. And I wanted to, I got permission for this. A very good Dharma friend of mine had a dream that she told me about.

[23:37]

just a few days ago. And I was actually really moved by the dream, and I want to offer it up for you to think about. In the dream, so it's about me, I've had a baby. But I'm not holding the baby. Someone else is holding the baby. And the person who had the dream described the baby as this beautiful, smiling, happy, being. And in the dream, I said, I love this baby, but I'm afraid to hold her. So I, this dream has really stayed with me. And you know, I've been When I talked to the person and said, would you mind if I brought this up?

[24:38]

She said, yeah, but what are you thinking? We haven't even talked about this. And what I feel is this baby is like my practice or my life. And here's the continuation of the way seeking mind. I have a feeling it's going to go on for the rest of the practice period. Because in my Way Seeking Mind talk a few weeks ago, I did that thing that sometimes happens that maybe you'll identify with where you sort of go, oh, you know, this person did this thing and I'm not going to do that. And then you do it. And what happened was in my talk, I said there was a person who, when they were giving their Way Seeking Mind talk, just sort of listed kind of all these achievements going to India and Japan. And finally, someone... raised their hand and said, what's your suffering? And after that talk, when I was doing the bows right here, and many of you were in here with me, I'm bowing, and I thought, I don't think I talked about my suffering.

[25:50]

I'm not sure I talked about my suffering. I think within it, within the talk, there was... suffering and maybe it's just written all over me plain as day. You can see it just happening, just playing itself out. So I want to say tonight that here's some suffering, here's a chunk of suffering of this fear of just taking up my life taking up practice, however you might respond to that, taking up your practice, taking up Zen practice, taking up the practice of being a mother or a friend or a daughter or a lover. So, you know, I really, I appreciate it so much for those of you who are here, I think it was last week, Acharya Arawana Hayashi was here.

[26:58]

Were some of you here for that? For her talk, the topic of her talk was compassion and bravery in everyday life. And one of the things that she said that really kind of got in there for me was something about just go into the mess of your life, you know, like to not be so afraid of making a fool of yourself, to just get in there. And, you know, at the same time, there's this piece of a text that actually dates way back to Chong Tzu, who predated the Buddha in China, but a poet, philosopher in China before the Buddha's time. And then it was repeated later on.

[27:58]

It was Dogen. It's found in Dogen, in Taigen Leighton's book, There's this section as well. It's called the courage of a patch-robed monk. What is the courage of a patch-robed monk? And you could say, you know, the courage of a practitioner of the way or the courage of someone who is ready to sit down with their own mind. But in this case, it's the courage of a patch-robed monk. Something like the courage of a hunter is... traveling the land without fearing the tiger. The courage of the fisherman is traveling the seas without fearing the deep sea dragon. And the courage of a general is facing the sword before you, drawn before you, and seeing life as like death. So what is the courage of a person who's ready to sit down with their own mind?

[28:59]

Patch-robed monk, he says, lay out your cushions and sit. Set out your bowls and eat. Exhale through your nostrils. Radiate light from your eyes. Do you know there is something that goes beyond? And then here's the line I like the most. With vitality, eat lots of rice. and then use the toilet. Kind of goes on from there, but... So, you know, sometimes it doesn't feel like there's really so much going on, we're just living our lives. But there is bravery and courage, fearlessness happening all the time. Let's see.

[30:05]

Wow. Yeah, I know. Oh, no, no, great. We have a little surprise. The Eno's in on it, and Blanche's too, by the way, on the surprise. Okay, so I actually am going to just jump forward to just say that, speaking of Zenke Roshi, I've been transcribing some... And one of them that I was working on the other day is from December 1998 at Tassajara. And this is what she said. The work of practice is to be yourself, to embrace and joyfully present to the world completely who you are. And as they were about to go into Rahatsu Sashin, she said, just do it. And she got that tone that sometimes we hear. Just do it. Throw yourself wholeheartedly into practice.

[31:08]

Can you trust practice just enough to do it? And when I heard that, it reminded me of a poem, kind of a poem. It's a poem song. And it's in French. So I have a very rough translation. but I wanted to read it to you. It's a band that's actually based in San Francisco. They're called Rupa and the April Fishes. And Rupa is an Indian woman who grew up in France. And this is her poem. It's called Now. Once again, you find yourself there, face to face, close to me. Tell me, What do you see when you look at me? And if at the end of a breath, if at the end of a dream, I don't know what to say or do, it's time.

[32:14]

I come like the wind. I come like spring. Open your mouth. Let me be there on your tongue. Yes, I come like sun. into the deep blueness. Open your gates of love. Do not hesitate. You say, not now. I don't have time. But what are you thinking deep down inside that life will come at another time? Well, too bad. Just close your eyes and kiss me This moment presents us with this moment right now. Right now. maybe as close as we get to skit night, so if anyone's feeling moved, feel free.

[33:39]

I'm not seeing much movement. It's true, or to a brand newcomer. Is there anyone here for the first time tonight? Okay, this doesn't always happen. At San Francisco Zen Center, they play sexy French music. Okay, thank you, Craig. I really did not know how this would go, but one thing that I did want to make sure I got out was, you know, so... You could hear that as kind of a sexy French love song, but you could also hear it as kind of a tango with your true self.

[34:43]

Russ, yeah. Okay, she's nodding. It's kind of a sign of life. Oh my God, now we have tons of time. Is it 8.20? Oh God, now I'm going to have to see if anyone has any questions. or any thoughts, or I could talk a little bit more. Can I say, I want to say a couple more things, if that's all right, but you know, shout it out if you want to say anything. So, yes, to come back to one thing to say, and this makes me think of Darlene very much, of composure not being indifference. Let's see, Suzuki Roshi says here. Sun-faced Buddha, moon-faced Buddha does not mean to be indifferent.

[35:48]

It means that whatever it is, we just enjoy it. And then he says, this is also beyond non-attachment. Because when our attachment reaches the point of non-attachment, that is real attachment. He says, if you are attached to something, be attached to something completely. And then it's in caps here with an exclamation point. So, sun-faced Buddha, moon-faced Buddha. I am here. I am right here. This kind of confidence is important. When you have this kind of confidence in yourself, in your being, you can practice true zazen beyond perfect or imperfect, good or bad. You know, this thing about just enjoy it.

[36:51]

You know, I... I get to have tea with a lot of people. And if anybody in practice period hasn't had tea yet, I'd love to have tea with you one-on-one. So there's a sign up out there. But in one of the teas, these are very important experiences. You know, to sit across from someone and you don't really know what's going to happen, but you're having a little something to eat and some tea. And someone the other day said, you know, wanted to talk about joy and enjoyment. And And Blanche and I talked about this the other day, too. And one thing that I'm thinking about is, Blanche said to me when she invited me to Bisho several months ago, one of the first things she said was, and you don't have to do it all yourself. And I was like, well, I hope not. But at the same time, I was thinking, oh, what's she trying to tell me? And I thought at the time that it was like, you know, she's leading the practice period and I'm the shiseau, you know, so.

[38:02]

But these days I'm thinking it's all of you. Every one of you, even the two new people, and maybe there are other new people, but you guys also are doing this as well. It's not up to me to be giving this talk. And there's something about... sharing this together and enjoying each other. And I wanted to tell you just a little story about when I was work leader at Tassajara, you know, a feeling like the relentlessness of leading work meeting. I'm looking at Rose because she's the work leader here right now. It's kind of hard to keep showing up and being the face, being the one who says, good morning, any announcements. And... But the summer, or was it the practice period, I can't remember, when I was work leader, I had the great fortune of Kaya Pakorni being there.

[39:07]

For those of you who know Kaya, or who don't know Kaya, she's now maybe five or six? Yeah, okay, she's the daughter of two people who were practicing at Tassajara. And at the time, so she was maybe two or three, maybe. And she would show up to work meeting, you know, this little kid. She'd come walking to the work circle where everybody's standing, you know, with this huge smile on her face, so happy to see everybody. And clearly so positive that everybody was happy to see her too. She would just work the circle. She would just... And she would just, she just was so adorable. You know, she just, big smile, loving everybody. How could you not love her? And I started, she became like my role model.

[40:10]

Like, why not? Why not go to work circle? Or wherever. You know? Like, hi. Hi. I mean, and I kind of test it out, too, here tonight. Did you notice, like, if you smile at someone, generally they smile back at you and it feels so good. It's so helpful. It's very energizing that you don't have to create all the energy yourself. It's this great recycling program. So... Okay, does anybody have anything that you want to say? We have a few minutes. Thank you, Vicki.

[42:56]

So, one of the things that Lou said to me today, which I really appreciated, because I did hear from people about, you know, I didn't get any suffering, you know, that... Lou said, you know, that he felt there was some withholding, but he wasn't specific. And then I said, yes, you know, I also felt that when I was bowing. And then I was... He said something like... Oh, I said, yes, I'm... definitely here to be helped you know part of being so for me is another cry for help coming from my corner and I'm getting it and Lou said to me this afternoon well you might show that more you know asking for help so very interesting to have this talk on composure because from my point of view it was

[44:07]

my internal world, everything's falling apart and scrambling's happening, and what is true composure in the midst of this? But I see that I have some work to do in kind of taking ownership of that part of composure, which is not about everything's fine, about revealing my inner world of how everything is not. fine. Even though the baseline... I'm about to say the baseline is, it's all fine. It's all happening. What's the problem? And then I hear Darlene say in one of her talks, you can't, don't leap into that. So maybe I've been leaping into that for the last several weeks.

[45:12]

Did any of that make sense? Yes. Oh, Darlene. Yeah. Uh-oh. Okay. Feeling alienated?

[46:19]

No. And I'm like, when is the bubble going to burst? Well, you know... There... Gosh... we're out of town. It's 832. But seriously, part of what I'm thinking is, oh my God, you know, and Chris is here and he knows how I can go on and on and on and on. So how am I going to answer this succinctly? There is something about, you know, when I left Zen Center, there were all these feelings that I had about Zen Center, you know, the institution and protective of my life energy and I thought I expressed that in my way-seeking mind talk. Didn't you get the suffering there? Anyway, and then coming back is kind of a big deal, and a lot of that fear is still there. And I don't know.

[47:20]

I don't know if I'll be here just for the three-month period. I feel deeply committed to continuing in relationship with Zen Center, and I'm so glad you've come tonight, and I hope you'll come back. It's a wonderful place that's helped many people, including me. And so maybe it's something in there. As the practice period kind of unwinds, Mike and I have talked about this a lot. Mike's the Benji, and we're spending a lot of time together, and it does feel a little bit... It's a whole experience, but for the most part, it feels kind of like a bliss bubble. I'll speak for myself. LAUGHTER I guess, Darlene, I really am, I want to steep, just steeping in this, you know, and sort of with the faith that the alienation will come, those feelings, and to the best of my ability, maybe this is a call out there.

[48:23]

I feel like my denial is kind of a big factor in my life, and I'm sort of counting on you to call me on that. All right, well, thank you so much for your attention and for helping me and coming to hear whatever this was that I said and that you heard tonight. And I'm feeling a little bit, I think we're past the halfway mark of the practice period, and I'm feeling time passing. And... Again, the preciousness of this time that we have together. So I am so grateful to all of you. And within my limitations, hearing Blanche, you know, I will continue to throw myself wholeheartedly into this with you, as I know you all are doing too.

[49:28]

Thank you very much.

[49:31]

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