Good evening. Good evening. I'm really happy to see all of you here tonight in the first week of our spring practice period. My name is Linda Gallion. And how many of you are here tonight for the first time? Anyone? Great. Welcome. Welcome. Thanks for coming. So the theme of the practice period, the six-week practice period that we've just begun, is compassion. And Zenke Blanche Hartman and I are teaching a class together on Shantideva's Guide to the Bodhisattva Way of Life. So there were a couple of verses that I wanted to talk about from that this evening. And on Saturday, Blanche talked about bodhicitta. And bodhicitta is the intention or the wish which is nurtured by limitless compassion to attain liberation for the sake of all beings.

[01:13]

She was talking about very inspiring terms of how to arouse bodhicitta. So Shantideva, says, Bodhicitta, the awakening mind, in brief is said to have two aspects. First, aspiring, Bodhicitta in intention. Then, active Bodhicitta, the practical engagement. I'll read that again. first aspiring, bodhicitta in intention, then active bodhicitta, practical engagement. Wishing to depart and setting out upon the road, this is how the difference is conceived. So first we have the wish. We have the intention to arouse awakening mind, to find...

[02:21]

freedom and liberation, not just for ourselves, but for the sake of all sentient beings. And then we have to put that into practice. And that's the second one that I want to talk about tonight. Because I find that putting it into practice can be really challenging. I mean, it's hard enough getting the intention going. But then actually putting it into practice He says, setting out upon the road, so where the rubber meets the road. So there are some verses from Shantideva that in particular have been turning for me lately. They challenged me in my practice, so I've been working with them and wanted to share that with you. At first, one should meditate intently on the equality of oneself and others as follows.

[03:26]

All equally experience suffering and happiness. I should look after them as I do myself. Just as the body, with its many parts from division into hands and other limbs, should be protected as a single entity, so too should this entire world, which is divided, but undivided in its nature, to suffer and be happy. So first he says, you know, one should meditate on that everyone equally experiences suffering and happiness, and I should look after others just as I do myself. So this assumes that we take care of ourself first. And that's one of the assumptions that I want to look at tonight, because I think there are times when that's not true and the particular challenges. And then he takes the metaphor, just as the body, with its many parts, so we have hands and feet, but we don't, you know, if our fingers hurt, we care about the finger.

[04:40]

The toe isn't saying, I don't care about the finger. But we somehow see all of ourselves as separate. So we lose touch with caring for others. And I think we actually lose touch with caring for ourselves as well. He said, I should dispel the suffering of others because it is suffering, like my own suffering. I should help others too because of their nature as beings, which is like my own being. So I think first of all... Oh, one more verse before I go on. And then this was the one that really got me, because this really challenged me. It said, all those who suffer in the world do so because of their desire for their own happiness. All those happy in the world are so because of their desire for the happiness of others.

[05:44]

And that stuck with me. All those who suffer in the world do so because of their desire for their own happiness. I forgot to bring my reading glasses. All those happy in the world are so because of their desire for the happiness of others. I thought, what is turning for me in that? And I realized I didn't quite believe it. I really, on some deep level, I doubted it. I felt like that's... That's a beautiful aspiration. I should believe it. I should go for that. I should be completely in align with that. But when I was really honest with myself, I had to acknowledge that I was not. There was a holding back, and there was not believing that that could actually be the path to happiness. I took it as, I should be doing this. That's the right way to be. I should put others before myself, and I should disregard my own needs.

[06:49]

That was how I heard it. And that was where I was getting stuck. So when I really sat, I visited my family over the weekend, so I had like a three-hour drive each way, which was nice to have some space because I'd noticed, wow, what's up for me in this? So I had the space to kind of follow that out and be, what is going on here? What is this about? And I share this because I think it's not just true for me. I think it's true for other people. I think there's some resonance there. That I could see that when I was in the state of mind of feeling like it's me or them, it's a very contracted state of mind, like if I take care of other people, there's not going to be anything for me. If I take care of myself, how can I take care of other people?

[07:50]

There was this real split between self and others. And that wasn't true all the time, but when it arose and I was caught by it, I found it very, very difficult to get out of. And I was going through a phase of that over the weekend, where I was caught in that old way of being, in that very tight way of being. So I really had the opportunity to look at it. What is it like to be caught in that state of being There's a phrase that says, like a fish in a puddle, what pleasure is there here? And I felt so caught in the puddle, and I couldn't see my way out. It actually doesn't matter anything about what was going on or the story. I think we all have our ways of getting stuck in that puddle, whether it's in anger or blame or defensiveness. I think we know that place, that place of... small self just fighting somehow for its own survival.

[08:55]

And when I looked into it, I could see that underneath all the layers of story, all the things I was trying to figure out, all the things I was trying to resolve, there was that feeling somewhere at the bottom, the word came to me flailing, like drowning. That's what it feels like. Somewhere down there is that feeling of panic. Like, this isn't going to be okay. I'm not going to be okay. They're not going to be okay. The world's not going to be okay. And to the extent that that feeling, whether it's conscious or not, is driving things, it's really hard to have bodhicitta. That's a big hindrance, because there's just no space. You're caught in survival mode. I was caught in survival mode. It didn't look like anything on the outside.

[09:59]

Everything looked just fine. Really. I mean, there was really not much of anything going on outwardly. But when I could sit with it, I could see that down there, there was this little engine driving it, this little engine of... deep, deep worry about whether this small self was going to be okay. And a big doubt that that could be so. And that's how I think we live a lot of our lives day to day. On the surface, everything looks really pretty okay. We're managing pretty well. And a fair amount of the time that may actually be true. that I think there's often some basic fear that has to do with having a self, has to do with having an ego, a separate person that's very concerned about protecting this one.

[11:06]

And that's just how we all grow up. That's what it is to be a human being in this world. Because things are actually pretty fluid. things are pretty much in flux, and we tend to kind of like things to be predictable and under our control. And they're not usually quite as much under our control as we would like, as much as we think we would like. So again, Shantideva talks about the metaphor of the body, and when I get worried about how things are going... I think, you know, when I remember to be mindful of the breath, that's great. And when I forget, you know, I go on breathing. And I actually don't have to manage my kidneys at all.

[12:11]

And it's a good thing because I can't. I'd probably mess it up if I tried. LAUGHTER but we somehow think that we should be in control of our world, which doesn't mean we don't have a very active part in our world, but we think that things should be the way we think they should be, and really lose that sense of trust. So this is a whole way of being, and it's very helpful to recognize that this is a way of being, to see that there's a particular way of relating with the world. and that actually doesn't have to be that way. So when I looked at this mind that doubted, can that really be so, that all happiness in the world comes from wanting happiness for others, and all the suffering of the world comes from wanting happiness for oneself?

[13:18]

I thought, okay, let me walk through this one. Because I really believe in the Buddha's teaching, and there is nothing in Shantideva that is separate from the Buddha's teaching, so what's the rub? What's the peace? What's stopping me? So... First, it helped me to think, how can I get outside of this little tight circle? When are times when I'm not in the circle? What do I do to get out of that puddle? And I think a lot of it has to do with having a witness function going on, not to be completely caught. When you feel like you're flailing, when you feel like you're drowning, there really isn't much room for clear seeing.

[14:22]

And I thought again about when I was about 11 years old and taking a junior life-saving class. I've told this story before, I think, because it was so powerful for me. So they teach you how to save people who are flailing, who are drowning, who are panicking. And they teach you how to pull them to shore and do all this. But the thing that they... that stuck out for me was, what do you do with someone who's panicking and making it very difficult for you to save them? I thought, here I am, I'm panicking and flailing, and I'm not actually open to being saved. You know, here Shantideva's offering me a teaching, and I'm not receiving it. Okay. How can I be in a receptive state of mind? So what they teach you in junior lifesaving is, first of all, you have to be safe. Yeah, when I'm in that state of mind, I don't feel safe. Okay, good.

[15:24]

That's really good to know. So they teach you, if there's a dock and you're on the dock and a person's in the water, you have to be really sure not to fall in with them, especially if you can't swim. And that's your first priority. You ground yourself. And the other thing that was, and they teach you how to get out of wrist holes. Someone's grabbing you and basically trying to climb on top of you. And when we're really stuck, that's what it feels like, that we're just pulling ourselves under. The thoughts are going around, kind of beating ourselves up, being very hard on ourselves. It's like, shoulda, didn't, coulda. So in those moments, how do you get yourself safe? And it actually requires a lot of discipline and a lot of strictness. And it's very important to understand the distinction between strictness and being hard on yourself.

[16:31]

Those are not the same thing at all. Actually, to be hard on yourself is to be indulgent. It's to indulge that part of our mind that thinks it's going to fix things by doing it the old way. It reinforces the small self. It's going with that really entrenched old pattern. And you think, well, I know I've done it this way a lot of times before, but I know that this time I can figure it out and it'll be different. I think in AA they say that's kind of the definition. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting to get a different result. So to be strict with oneself is to not go with the old stories. It's to not go with any stories, actually. And that's a lot of what sitting zazen is about.

[17:36]

It's about creating a space and a container to let ourselves radically alone, to stop trying to control things, to stop messing around, One of the images is of a deep forest pool, a still pool deep in the forest. And if you sit quietly by the pool, all the animals will come out to drink. So when we're stuck, when we're in the puddle, when we're flailing, or having one of those days, when we can touch that place inside of ourselves, well, actually, before we can touch that place inside of ourselves, first there has to be some space for it.

[18:38]

If there isn't space for it, it's just adding to the flailing. So that's really the first step. finding stillness and spaciousness. And that takes a fair amount of effort, takes a fair amount of discipline, and really to be strict with oneself. I remember, I think, the first time that I was able to really do that. And it was the first time that I'd really overcome my doubt that doing it the old way was going to get a different result. It was actually because I'd read a study that one of the causes of depression, not just a symptom of depression, but one of the causes of depression was

[19:50]

those circular thoughts that go around, that dwelling. And I'd always know, yeah, yeah, that's a symptom of depression. But when I read, this is a cause of depression. This makes things worse. Somehow it was in a study, so I believed it. Whatever. Whatever will get you to believe it. And the next time it happened, I was able to catch it, and I said, oh, that's what's going on right now, that's what's happening. I thought, okay, don't think about it, which is easier said than done. And I remember kind of fighting with myself for a while. It's like, well, what am I going to think about? I mean, that's the only thing there is right now, is this thing. But I remember just staying with it and staying very firm.

[20:50]

I wasn't very calm, but I was firm. I was very strict with myself. I said, you can think about anything else in the world except this one problem. And I could feel the hand kind of open and let go. And it was a very different relationship. And within that space, there was actually then a lot of room for compassion, a lot of room for opening. but that ground had to be there. So cultivating the roots of compassion, cultivating bodhicitta, it's not about being mushy and feel-good. It may also involve that. That may come along with it, but that's not what it's about at the root.

[21:54]

It's about fundamentally changing the way that we relate with the world, that we relate with ourselves. And it probably often involves getting in pretty close touch with this little part of ourself that gets pretty panicky when it's confronted with, oh, I don't know, being blamed or judged, things not going well, or just letting go of its agenda, because that's not all of what there is. Sojin Mel Weitzman likes to compare that part of our minds with the office boy, in an office, and when the boss goes away, he comes out and he puts his feet up on the desks and he takes charge. But he's just the office boy, and he kind of messes things up a little bit.

[23:01]

The office boy has his place. He said the office boy. I should say the office clerk, to include both. So the clerk has its place, takes care of things. But when the clerk tries to be the boss, we run into trouble. So as Suzuki Roshi said, we need to be the boss of ourself. So to be the boss is to stay upright, stay true, stay aligned with our intention, even when it gets uncomfortable. because there are actually many, many moments of each day where there's some discomfort, there's some uncertainty, there's something that didn't go the way we want it to.

[24:02]

And some people respond to that with anger or irritation, some people get defensive, some people blame themselves, some people blame others. We all have our different ways of responding to that. But when we stay in really close touch with what's actually happening, we feel all the little bumps in our lives. Like if we're going really fast, we don't feel that so much. It feels like, I'm powered up now. I'm just going to get through this task, and it's going to be great. It's going to be done. We're going to feel good about it. And that may be what's needed some of the time. But if we can give ourselves the chance to settle and feel deeply what's arising on each moment. And then to have the compassion to hold that, to meet that discomfort, that vulnerability, however it's showing up.

[25:15]

It may be just a small little twinge, and it may be a feeling like you're sinking through the earth. But to find some stability in yourself will allow you to have that stability to meet your own experience. And the more that you can meet your own experience fully and completely, that is actually the ground of being able to meet others in their experience. And that's a great gift. be able to meet others with compassion and presence and empathy. I think we all know what that's like to have someone see us deeply, to feel another person's presence. And we know how deeply encouraging that can be.

[26:16]

And if you haven't experienced that so long, maybe you can touch that longing in yourself to be so deeply seen and held and accepted just as you are. So along with this vow for compassion, or to arouse awakening mind. I encourage you all to be strict in the right way. Use that energy to have correct strictness, to not let yourself get involved in the old stories. And when you're listening to another person,

[27:18]

to really listen, rather than getting involved in your own stories. Stories are good. Stories are lovely. There is nothing wrong with them. But if they're running the show, so, zazen is a time that can be a break from stories, and that's one of the many reasons that we practice zazen, is to give ourselves an opportunity to take a little silent break, a little story break. to see that it's possible to live our lives without that. A no-story break. It's a no-story time. I sometimes think of zazen as listening, because there's often a lot of chatter going on inside. And listening to the chatter isn't really listening, because we're not really listening to the chatter, we're just chattering inside.

[28:30]

So what is it to pause, to listen to our own experience, to our being, and to others? to just be fully present, to sit by the still forest pool and allow all the animals of our own being to come forward and to show themselves just as they are, and to allow all the beings of other people to come forward and show themselves just as they are. one aspect of our practice is really holding to our commitments.

[29:36]

To take that up and just do it. To sit every day or whatever your commitments are, and if you're in the practice period, you're probably committed to some specific thing for the practice period. But you can also follow that through on each moment, to just be present in each moment. And then to have boundless, boundless compassion for yourself on each moment that you're not doing that, just to come back again and again and again. So, we have a few minutes if anyone has any questions or comments that you'd like. Vicki. Thank you. And earlier you said, if you're able to meet and accept yourself, you want to stick around more for that lazy organization for being able to accept others. Yes.

[30:39]

And I've seen that I can do that, but I also know that I'll make a conscious choice to do that with some people and not with others. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that doesn't seem good enough. When I do that, I feel myself close down. I don't want to move into that situation. And I have various reasons at the time, but mostly it's just a fear. Yes. So do you think that you would be able to have more compassion or empathy for these people if you weren't feeling so afraid?

[31:45]

If you were feeling safer? I mean, I feel like if I have more compassion for myself, then I wouldn't be so afraid. So how do you feel that not having compassion for yourself makes you more afraid? How do you experience that? Feeling like there's something... And that's somehow, someway, some time down the road, this person or whoever, whomever I'm, you know, choosing to be this with. So from the absolute side, kind of strict Zen side, one possibility is to look at there's no self to protect.

[32:48]

Exactly. Because in that moment, you're caught. You're in that place where there is definitely a self to protect here, and it's in danger. It really doesn't feel safe. So it can really help to just deeply acknowledge that part of you, it's not the whole of you, but it's a part of you that doesn't feel safe. And just as you would feel for another person who is very frightened, if you can extend that compassion to that part of you which is very frightened and very worried that it's going to be okay. But to recognize that that's not all of you. That's a part that comes up due to certain causes and conditions. And you said sometimes it's easy to have compassion with people, different causes and conditions going on sometimes than others. Sometimes there's a lot of openness and spaciousness.

[33:53]

So to really be aware, oh, due to some causes and conditions, the fear part comes up and gets very strong. And at other times, it relaxes. So you can do everything you can to encourage and reassure that small, frightened self. Self and no self. What's self and no self? Can you say more? I'm not sure I understand the question. You were just saying like a no self. So what is self and what's a no self? No self is the way things actually are, because whatever I could say or have some conception about myself is always changing.

[35:04]

It's not always true. It's an idea. I have one idea about me. You might have another idea. Other people here might have another idea. So it's a story. The self is a story. But we tend to take it as real. We treat it as real. We experience it as real. So from the side of our usual day-to-day experience, I am a self, I have a self, and so are you, and we're separate. And I wake up the same day, every day, the same self, more or less, recognizably so. So that's our usual way of experiencing things. But actually, it changes all the time. When you really get down to it, it's very different. I find it helpful to think about it in terms of the body. If I lost a certain part of my body, I would still be myself.

[36:07]

I would be different, but I would still be myself. But at what point does that not be me anymore? There's really no line that you can draw. And where's the line between myself and my parents? You know, sperm, egg, came together, cells. Linda. You know, where are you going to draw those lines? The breath that I breathe in, that you breathe in, at what point does that breath become me when it crosses over into blood? Okay, cut my finger, blood comes out. Me? Not me. It's kind of me as long as it's connected with my body and I wipe it off and it's not me. Hair, fingernails, it gets very confusing. So some people find thinking about that very helpful to kind of break down this idea of the separate self. Mostly what we do is sit in zazen and watch our experience from moment to moment and go, oh, this self that I was totally convinced that I was...

[37:17]

a couple minutes ago, is now not there anymore. Where did it go? Neil? I ask you, if big self, big mind, little mind, little self, had a conversation, little self is freaking out, feeling in danger, heartbroken, what would big self Say it for yourself to comfort us. Come here and sit on my lap. Yeah. Because little self is like really young usually at that point when it's really operative. And just needs kind of like a hug in a way. And I think each of us know in some part of us what would be deeply reassuring. And from the point of view of big mind, that could be like Avalokiteshvara, the bodhisattva of compassion who reaches out to each being in their own suffering and with her thousand eyes and hands reaches out with exactly what they need.

[38:38]

So somewhere I think each of us knows what we need to be deeply reassured in that way. and we can actually give that to ourselves. And often it's just to be deeply touched in that place. Like, it's okay, I'm here for you. I can, like, big self can be present with all the panic. I can just sit with you through this. It's amazing to me to watch parents sometimes with their kids who are freaking out. And they're completely present with their kids. And they're not freaking out. They're not getting pulled into this freak out. It's not that they're separate from it. They're very sad. The child's unhappy. But they're not sucked into the drama. They manage to maintain some separateness. So... So maybe...

[39:43]

Small self could say, I need you to be strong for me. I need you to not get caught by my stuff because I'm really caught. And big mind could say, working on it. I'll be there as much as I can. I think it's 8.30, so it's time to stop. Thank you all.

[40:16]

@Transcribed_UNK
@Text_v005
@Score_94.67