This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Thank you for being here, for all of you here who made it out for the one-day sit, for all of those of you who are here just for today's lecture, whether in the temple, in person or somewhere out in the cloud online. Thank you. So today we are having our monthly one-day sitting, which is a time for us, hopefully all of us today can carve out a little bit of time for this. It's a time to put aside kind of our normal busyness, our doing, oftentimes based on what needs to be done, what we think we want, what we think in general.

[01:11]

So a one-day sit is a time, our sashim, as well as a time to put all that away and just be. And in places like... the San Francisco Zen Center and many other Zen centers and practice places around the world, it's rare. It's a rare opportunity. There are few places in the world that are set up for the express purpose of allowing people to just be. So hopefully you get to do a little bit of that while you're here. I know that there are a few people here who are here for the first time, whether you're here for sitting or for the lecture or joining us online. Welcome. I was just thinking the other day, somebody said what I hear very often when people talk about their experience coming to Zen Center.

[02:14]

They say, I felt like I was coming home. Many people say that. Many people don't. It may not feel like home for everyone. But there's something about, like, what is that feeling of coming home? Last weekend, Leanne Schutt, my Dharma sibling, gave a Dharma talk on the topic of belonging. And then later in the day, I led a workshop here. I don't even want to call it a workshop. It was like a mini workshop on the topic of belonging. and what it means to belong or what it doesn't mean, different kinds of belonging. It's a really profound and powerful, rich subject. The question of belonging and whether we belong is so fundamental to our well-being. It's maybe just above just basic physiological needs, basic safety, this feeling of whether or not do I belong.

[03:19]

And Leanne's talk really focused on some of the barriers to belonging and how we can mitigate those. She spoke a lot about different, from power dynamics to feelings of inclusion, exclusion, feelings of representation or not feeling represented. And all of these things are really powerful barriers. It can be extremely powerful barriers to the sense of feeling like I belong here. Thinking about the early days here at San Francisco Zen Center, I was reflecting on what it must have been like for, you know, it was in the middle of the counterculture movement and people were dropping out of society and it was a time of great experimentation and soul searching and all these like, Hippies descended upon Suzuki Roshi and begged him to teach them, teach us how to sit.

[04:26]

What are you doing? You have something there. And so he did what he could do. He offered what he knew of his own practice. And what a strange time. I think in some ways, maybe almost everyone, almost everyone who is here, building the San Francisco Zen Center in those days, was coming to Zen as what we call now convert Buddhists. And it was new. It was fresh. It was taking on a culture and a way of being that was very unfamiliar. And all of them were doing that. They were all coming to something that was unfamiliar. Well, as Zen in America has grown, You know, Suzuki Roshi wished for Zen to become American. He wanted to leave his dharma with an American, to grow an American soil.

[05:29]

What is America? America is huge and vast. Is it the America of the countercultural hippies and beatniks? Is it the America of... Jewish Americans? Protestants? Catholics? Which America? So here we are in this great experiment of Zen as it unfolds in the United States and what we make of it, who we are, how we welcome others and ourselves. So in the In the workshop, which was very short, I can't remember how many, it was like even two hours. Anyway, I prepared this workshop and then we got like right into the beginning of it and then we had to end.

[06:31]

So I promised them that I would kind of pick up a little bit where we left off last week. But just to say a little bit of where we started. We started by looking at what belonging means to us, what it feels like. Not just what it means, but what it feels like to feel a sense of belonging. We looked at different types of belonging. For example, there's types of belonging that we don't want, right? You can think of groups or movements that you're like, ah, I don't belong to that. So belonging is not inherently good. It's like you have to want it. You kind of have to want to belong for it to matter to you. And then there's like, you know, superficial belongings like, oh, I belong to this, you know, I belong to the, you know, this mailing list or, you know, something like that where it's like there's not a lot at stake. But that's not what we're talking about here. And that's not really the practice that we do when we come to a Zen center.

[07:35]

When we were examining this feeling of what it means to belong, you know, we kind of... let go of some of the very, like it's obviously not just about fitting in, although maybe that's important. It's not about being accepted by others necessarily. You can still have a profound sense of belonging and not feel like people maybe accept you. Is it a feeling of being at home? Like when people say, oh, I felt like I came home when they come to a Zen center. What is it? Is it some kind of basic okayness? A groundedness? A centering? A unification of being? What is it? A feeling of I belong. We also looked at, you know, kind of tried to tease it apart a little bit. I asked the question, are there any necessary conditions?

[08:42]

to feel a sense of belonging, what's necessary. Of course, safety came up, right? Some kind of affinity, we've spoke of that already. We also looked at if there's anything that's sufficient, that if you had that, then you would belong, kind of like something that just encapsulates the feeling of belonging. And I can remember we had a couple of them... that we felt were like a list of sufficient conditions for belonging. One of them was just a basic sense of feeling good about yourself and who you are, a basic goodness and intimacy with yourself. So we kind of teased some of those things apart. And then we drilled down a little bit on different kinds of belonging that, you know, Again, maybe some that we don't really want so much. So imagine the kind of belonging where it necessarily creates an us and a them, an in-group and an out-group.

[09:52]

Is that true belonging? Is that something that we aspire to or we feel in our hearts when we feel true belonging? Does it necessitate that it has to be at the expense of others? I would say that true belonging wouldn't necessitate the expense of others. I hope you agree. What about belonging that maybe isn't at the expense of others, and it doesn't set up us-them, but what if it's dependent upon or mitigated by external factors, like what society says, what your family thinks? what the dominant culture says, what the latest fashion fad dictates. Maybe even just your group of friends. Does true belonging depend on those externals as well?

[10:53]

And a belonging that's not contingent upon these externals and not contingent upon divisiveness, tribalism, right? That belonging is what I think we study here in a Zen Center. We study the deep sense of belonging to oneself, the deep sense of being at home and at ease and at peace with our very being, which is what we do in Sashin. We study our being. We be. And then we look at some of the things that if you don't feel like you belong and how important it is to have a sense, right? If you didn't belong anywhere, it would be a very dangerous place. We're social creatures. It's not good to be too far outside of a group. And some of the things that we may do as an effort to belong, some of those things may actually take us further away from true belonging.

[12:07]

We might contort ourselves to fit in. We might strong-arm ourselves or lay judgment or maybe even blame, shame, punishment if we don't fit in. We might pretend. just pretend to be someone other than who we are? Or out of this fear of being cast out, do we hide our authentic self, this true self, this true belonging? Sounds very painful. Fundamentally, I think belonging and the feeling of this true self real belonging is at its heart liberative. It is liberation. It's the feeling of lightness and space and ease.

[13:11]

It's intimate. Being able to be completely authentic and true to oneself. It's not negotiating with others for approval. There's a story of an 18th century rabbi, Rabbi Zusha, who on his deathbed, he was weeping and shaking. A disciple asked him about his state and asked, surely if anyone will be welcome in the kingdom of heaven, it is guaranteed a place in heaven. It is you. Zusha replied or explained, I'm not afraid of being asked by God why I was not Moses, because God has a Moses. I'm not afraid of being asked why I was not Elijah. God has Elijah already.

[14:15]

No, what I fear is God asking me, Zusha, why weren't you Zusha? So this story... strikes at the heart of this deep authenticity that each of us yearns for if we don't have it already. In Zen, this fundamental study is the study of the self. It is the study of our mind. Sometimes called original mind or original face, true self. big mind. Suzuki Roshi also calls it or refers to it as the boss. When you are you, Zen is Zen. He also says Zen practice is to be ourselves.

[15:16]

Katagiri Roshi famously said, when you settle the self on the self, You let your life force bloom. So if we're settling the self on the self, we're aspiring to connect to and be our true selves, what's with all the forms and rules and maybe perceived rigidity? This past week, Catherine spoke. And brought up the... Started with the quote from Fukan Zazengi, which is the universal recommendation for the practice of Zazen. Although it is said that there are as many minds as there are persons, still, they all negotiate the way solely in Zazen. And Zen is about the business of Zazen.

[16:21]

Zazen... For those of you who have, well, for all of us, let me just remind us as we sit Sushin or a day sit together. Zazen is, how do we describe it? It's like a spacious silence that we meet ourselves in. Normally, when we sit Zazen, we face a blank wall. So anything that arises, we know it's not coming from the outside, right? It's coming up inside us. It's an intimacy of being completely alone with yourself. When we sit zazen, what do we pay attention to? Here we are taught to find an upright seat, an upright seated position. paying attention to our posture, our body, and then to watch the breath, the breathing, noticing the breath as it moves through this upright posture.

[17:36]

Letting go of thinking. Not in a passivity. It's not like you sit there and just tune out. No, it's like bringing the mind of thinking, to the moment without thinking. So when we try to sit there, and it's not a one-and-done thing either, it's moment after moment, breath after breath, coming back to now, coming back to this present awareness, which is always changing. When we notice that we're thinking about the past, we let that go. We notice we're anticipating something in the future. We let that go. It's hard. It's hard to do. It requires practice. But when we do, what's left?

[18:41]

When we let go of our thinking, of our conspiring or strategizing, what's left? the universality of Zazen says that what's left is the same for each one of us. When we let go of our thinking and return to this body and mind in the present moment, we rest in our natural, open awareness. So this is a place where we get to do that, period after period. This is the studying of the self, the self arising and passing. Now, it's not... Actually, I think it is that simple. It's that simple. And yet, of course, there's many more words that could be said. Jogen, in his Genjo Koan, talks about this practice as this practice of studying the self is to forget the self.

[19:54]

To study the self is to forget the self. When we forget the self, he says we are actualized by myriad things. Actualized. What is it to have our self be actualized? Does that not sound like coming home? Does that not sound like a fundamental belonging to oneself? Suzuki Roshi talks about the distinction, he makes a distinction between small mind and big mind. Now, he also says, you know, they're not separate, that small mind rests in big mind, or small mind may rest in big mind. Big mind is vast space. There's no discrimination of right and wrong, no praise and blame, no good, no bad.

[20:56]

Big mind just allows everything to be just as it is. And small mind comes in and judges and sorts out the details and makes opinions. It's all part of being human and is completely necessary in our life. But how can that mind be held in this spacious awareness of big mind? Is this what's meant by forgetting the self? In the workshop, when we ended, I said, oh, I was planning to talk about some of the ways that we study this sense of belonging here at a Zen Center, the kind of basic practices. And there are so many. I mean, when you, yeah, there are so many basic ways that we study this sense of truth of our belonging, of our being.

[22:00]

And I invite you, when you run into some of these practices, to step into them with this curiosity, this open question. What is this? Where is the belonging here? What does it feel like when I drop the self and fully enter into this practice of sitting? When we get up from our seats? and we bow to our cushions and leave the zendo, when we step on the floors, are we awake? Are we aware? Do we feel the coolness of the floor on the bottom of our feet, the breeze as we walk? When we do chanting, when we do our chanting services, do we find our voice? Finding our voice in the midst of other voices harmonizing with others, I'd say that creates or can create a sense of oneness, one body, one breath, one voice.

[23:10]

Even though it is our voice, our individual voices coming together, when we chant, feel the chanting. Where does it come from? In your body, you feel the chanting, your breath coming from your center, from your hara. The center of your being merges out of. This is embodiment. When bowing, letting go and just bowing. Again, an embodied practice. There are other... other practices which some of which we may do a little bit of today but every morning we do a little bit of what's called soji or cleaning work again embodiment and when we put our body and mind wholly into the present moment as we're moving in activity it's taking that zazen mind that spaciousness off the cushion and into motion

[24:24]

Catherine also mentioned the Bodhidharma scrolls that are out. For those of you who haven't had a chance to look at them, I think they're up for another couple weeks, this collection of Bodhidharma scrolls. There's one scroll that I particularly like. It's hanging in the art lounge, and it's the Bodhidharma that has where Bodhidharma is kind of reclined. He's got a fan. Do you know that one? He looks very relaxed. And it's got a verse on it. I think this verse is about Soji. It says, the author, the person who wrote it, the verse at least, Baisao, tea-selling old man. He writes, even if you are made to toil, don't get upset. Even if you're made to toil, don't get upset.

[25:34]

When you become intimate, you will no longer be unrelated. When you become intimate, I assume with what you're doing, with your activity, with your body and mind as you move, when you become intimate, you will no longer be unrelated. which means coming home. When I first came to San Francisco Zen Center, I also had the feeling of coming home, but it was only articulated much later. Like the first time I came, I think I was like, you know, don't talk to me. You know, I just wanted to check it out. What are these people doing? You know, are they judging me? They seem like they're very formal. What's that weird thing they're doing over there?

[26:37]

Is this a cult? Yes, it is. You know, it's, yeah, the feeling of, yeah, do I want to be here? This is a place I want to be. What are these people up to? And then, oh, it is. I'm curious. I want to know more. It took me a while. You know, I actually wanted to get to know Zen Center, so I volunteered. I volunteered in the library when it was closed. So, you know, I inched a little bit into the community. It took me a while before I even did an overnight. I would come for Sashin, one day sits, but I didn't spend the night. The first time I spent the night, actually, I was housed in the Zendo. It was packed. All the rooms were taken. So they put me in the Zendo. It was for Rohatsu Sashin and some of the practices for people to come back at the end of the last period and go back to the Zendo to sit.

[27:42]

So I'd be like, you know, spreading out my sheet on two Zabatons pushed together. And then people would come in to the Zendo in the dark and I'd be like, oh, I didn't know that this was a practice. So I... Yeah, maybe I wanted to belong. So I sat. Night after night, I didn't go to sleep until the last person left the Zendo. Because I felt like, you know, it would be weird to be sleeping when people were sitting in the Zendo. I think that lasted about four days. And I was like, ah, I'm tired. But looking back, you know, there are so many things about being here that didn't feel like belonging. It took a long time. Like the first time I was at a full moon precept ceremony, which we're having one this upcoming Wednesday. First time I was at a full moon precept, bodhisattva precept ceremony, chanting these vows. I'm like, do I want to say that?

[28:43]

Do I believe that? You know, again, this sort of feeling like, do I belong here? Do I want to belong here? Who are these people? Am I going to be accepted here? Looking back, the feeling when I say that I felt like I was coming home, that really happened after my first one-day sit, I think. After sitting there, staring at the wall, coming back to my breath, really diligently trying to be present. In doing that, I don't know, that was what felt like coming home. And then the other pieces started falling into place, bit by bit. I won't say they're all in place. The puzzle is still ongoing. Another teaching here in this school in particular that I think is incredibly profound and relevant to this fundamental belonging that is our

[30:01]

the ground of our being, is this teaching. It's called the family way or the family wind. The quote is menmitsu no kafu. You hear it a lot around here, I think. But it means careful attention to detail is the family way, the family wind, the wind that blows the house of the school. Careful attention to detail. What I take from that is the care in careful is a tenderness. Susie Groshe calls it the respect for things. So a little minutiae, the details, like how you put your shoes on, how you leave your shoes outside, how you hold your teacup. When we bring our whole being to these places, minute details of our ordinary daily life, the focus and presence brings it so alive in comparison to when we live according to the me of ego, right?

[31:20]

The me of ego is like constantly strategizing and like commenting. If you sit, you know, even one period of Zazed, you'll see this. I don't like this. I like that. Oh, that person's doing it the wrong way. What happens when we just immerse ourselves in what's happening now with care and with tenderness and with kindness and respect? When we do this, I think it expands this feeling of who we are and what belonging is. Turns out there is no not belonging. Nothing is excluded. Nothing is excluded. Even things that we want to exclude. This is a deep teaching.

[32:22]

All of reality and all of existence is happening right now. whether we want it to or not, can we be with it? I met with a group of people yesterday, people who are about to ordain, and I asked them, like, what is it that, why do you want to ordain as a priest? And one thing I was struck with was this sense, each of them had this sense of, to be ready for whatever happens. To feel at home no matter what. This is the study of Zen. So welcome home.

[33:32]

Welcome back to yourself, to your true nature. I think I'll end with another quote from Suzuki Roshi. It's about Zazen. Surprise. He says, self-conscious Zazen will lead to problems, self-created problems. Such problems are natural for beginners. But because they arise naturally is no reason to be acquiescent about them. Zen practice is not training in the ordinary sense. Ordinary training is to improve ourselves. Zen practice is to be ourselves. The practice of stopping our minds is not an end aim in itself. It is a precondition for perceiving reality.

[34:36]

I just want to say that again. The practice of stopping our minds is not an end aim in itself. It is a precondition for perceiving reality. When the mind is stopped, reality is there. It is impossible to completely give up yourself. Even when you consciously give up everything, something is left. What is it? Real zazen is always with you. It is to give up the idea of attaining enlightenment. Real zazen is nothing. Correct practice is action when you give up the idea of enlightenment. Give up gaining ideas and just sit and enlightenment will come. You are doing something impossible by trying to become Buddha. Buddha is Buddha.

[35:39]

You are you. You cannot escape yourself. If you give up all your conscious deliberation, then you are left with your true self. It cannot be otherwise. So whether you're... continuing on in the sit today or going off into your day, I invite you to take up this practice of letting go of the deliberation of thoughts. Just be with yourself. Be curious. Find out who is that? Who is that self? Oh, there it is. And to do it fully, to step in fully.

[36:40]

So as we, for those of you who are returning to the Zendo, we'll be going into a period of Kinhin. Just walking meditation. And I encourage you, walking meditation is fantastic. I'm sad we don't do it as a daily practice here right now. But walking meditation, when you breathe in time with your body moving, really feeling the mechanics of your weight moving from one foot to the other, Nothing else needs to be noticed except what's happening right then. And when you return to your cushion, I'll leave you with this one.

[37:45]

When you sit, you should settle yourself as if you were never going to stand up again. Fully, fully settle yourself. with that feeling of completeness, complete effort, dropping away anything that's not in service of your open awareness to yourself. Give it a try. Moment by moment, breath by breath. Thank you all very much for being here. You're greatly appreciated. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[38:53]

May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[38:55]

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