This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning, everyone. So welcome again to this Sashin. Can you hear me OK? Yeah. I'm appreciating this pause, this event, this Sashin's gathering of our mind and heart.

[01:01]

And I appreciate and acknowledge the great efforts that we all make to take the time and to support one another and connect in this way with our stillness and silence. To say, you know, I want to take a few days and check in with my heart. How is my heart? I need some time to check. to refresh this grounding in love. That's what I'm feeling about the opportunity of these days and doing that together. How precious. So I'm appreciating, as many of you are, seeing the Green Gulch altar and wanted to let people know that here at Green Gulch, where I am, we have most of the residents here involved in this machine. some sitting and some supporting by preparing food and other expressions of loving care.

[02:08]

And how wonderful to see also so many city center residents and practitioners also here present, special to be together in this time. And to the many Sangha members joining from their homes, having set aside the time and the space to do this practice. May we all welcome each other and feel inspired by each other's sincere practice. So the theme of this sashin, it's hard to say the title of the sashin without smiling, and maybe it's just as well. love in the time of COVID. We can smile when we say it. And it is, of all things, on Valentine's Day weekend. So in this time of isolation and separation for many of us.

[03:15]

And then in the midst of this stretching and twisting and thinning of the word love, as Nancy last night quoted Thich Nhat Hanh's expressions of. A question for me of Sashim is, what is our heart's wish for our abiding in actual love? Do I want to love? Do we want to love? Do I want to live in love? Do I trust that? Do we trust love? And what do we mean love? And so we have these teachings and we have this sangha and mostly we have our zazen practice to explore this in our own body. Not to bring in, you know, we hear other people's ideas, but the point is not to bring in someone else's idea of love. And not either to collapse or sort of reject love out of some fear or some version of love that's superficial or enabling or...

[04:29]

or demeaning or something, self-effacing. So forgetting what anyone has said, what is it for you in your heart? Can we find our own deepest understanding of what that love is and how it could orient our life? So I'm wondering if in my heart I find a wish. a quiet call or maybe a vow. Sometimes it's maybe loud, but often it's quiet. A wish to recommit to friendliness and loving-kindness. Am I committed to that? Can I commit to friendliness and loving-kindness and to compassion for all suffering? inside and outside.

[05:30]

No evaluation, no comparing, just compassion for all suffering inside and outside. Can I commit to that, my up for that, for trying? And how about taking joy in my own life, my own aliveness, and taking joy in your life? You're alive! I'm so happy. Can I commit to feeling and finding and inviting that joy? Zen can be such a grim endeavor when we give it to our small mind to practice. Can we give our practice to our big heart, the least grim thing around, rather than our small mind which wants to squeeze something out of it? And then lastly, can I give myself, can I commit, is it in my heart to commit again to equanimity, capacity, groundedness that will support and enable all of these other expressions of love?

[06:41]

So this is the invitation that these four Brahma Baharas are extending, these four faces of love. So we're sitting with these and wondering if they're true for us or in what sense they are true for us. Not what does the teaching really mean or really say, or how do I squeeze myself into the teaching, but in what sense is this teaching true for me? What love do I trust? And the kinds of love that I don't trust are good, really good information for me. as I find the love that I do trust unconditionally, absolutely. So Nancy, last night, said that this practice of love is a choice, and that resonates for me.

[07:50]

There's no grade, you know, there's no passing and failing this choice, but the feeling of this choice, and that it's lots of small choices. or an ongoing choice. It would be nice if it were just a choice, like we could have said it last week, and that would be enough. A couple of days ago here at Green Mulch, we had a Jukai ceremony of receiving the precept, our first such ceremony in quite some time with our various quarantines. We had an outdoor ceremony in masks. initiating for new bodhisattvas to take their vows in front of everyone, to expose that heart of practice to everyone in the sangha who could be there. And in that ceremony, I see, you know, picturing that, it looks again like a pretty somber affair, but really it's these bodhisattvas leaping from the rooftops, you know, on the rooftops, shouting for all to hear that they're choosing love, they're choosing this path of life,

[09:04]

of inexhaustible love, and that that love that they're committing to and wanting everybody around to hear that they're committing to this love and that it'll go on forever, this love that they want to practice, even after they have total equanimity and ease, even after they are free of all concern, free even of any idea of someone out there to love or some me that's loving, even after realizing Buddhahood, They will continue to just express this love. And they wanted us to know. So they said it out loud. So I'm not sure that that's what they thought they were doing. Maybe some of them are here and can correct me if that's not what you thought you were doing. But that's what I thought you were doing. That's what I heard you doing. But of course, as we know, you know, as we find out that evening after our jukai ceremony,

[10:04]

Just saying, yes, I will, in the ceremony is not sufficient choice. It is an ongoing, continuously renewed. Moment after moment, something arises in myself or so-called outside me. And I have this question of what heart to bring. How does my... What's my choice now? I also... remember on this question a few years ago, many of you, we know Grace Damman, a longtime resident, wonderful friend and teacher, a few years ago here, as she saw, she described this moment where she chose, she said she just chose to be happy one day. And the way she said it was really as though it were that simple. And it made me think, is it that simple? She just chose to be happy. And then she was, and that was it.

[11:05]

So my thought now is maybe, you know, you practice for a few decades, and then you're ready to just decide to be happy, and it's that easy, and it sticks. So there are some points like that. There are some decisive turning points in our practice, but it's not really a one-time event. We'll have... a billion choices decision to come back to the breath to come back to the body to come back to the heart and to come back to the breath and body and heart with loving care by doing so Again and again, we deepen our confidence that this is the choice that we want to be making, not to be a good boy, not because somebody told us to, but because we want to be making this choice.

[12:17]

Or do we? So to become silent and still and ask yourselves this question. So I wanted to say, follow up a little bit from our gathering last night and elaborate on this image I used of priming the pump for metta. Now, I don't know if that meditation we did landed. Sometimes our heart can open to it, and sometimes it's just too much, and we resist to the end. But either way, some seeds are planted. The possibility of that choice is renewed. So I say priming the pump, but I realize not everyone may know what priming the pump is. I didn't know what priming a pump was until I came to live on this farm full of pumps.

[13:32]

most of which are not in the best repair, a lot of leaky pumps. So when the pump leaks or when the pump stops working or is maintained and then needs to be restarted, it needs to be primed. And so to prime, you bring a little bit of water. You get some water from somewhere. And you bring it to the pump, and you pour it into the pump. And that water that you're bringing to the pump enables this process to begin, this process of flowing, that will then far surpass anything that you bring. So this is the image of priming the pump, is that we bring a little bit of something in order to invite, to begin the flow, to prime the flow of this of something that is inconceivably deeper than this little cup of water, this little jug of water that we're bringing to prime the pump.

[14:42]

So I was trying to express through this kind of conscious, deliberate metta meditation practice. This is like a little jar of water that we're bringing over to our pump. That meditation we're doing is not metta. That meditation we're doing is like priming the pump. It's a little jar. of love that we're trying to pour into this heart in order to enable, allow this flow from some deeper well than anything we could fabricate or insist on or construct. So in zazen, when we're sitting, we're not usually doing this kind of meta-practice of controlling or trying to make ourselves feel a certain way. But when we're aligned with our zazen practice, that deep loving kindness and care and compassion and joy and stillness is there in a way deeper than any that we could construct.

[15:45]

So as we talk about inviting love, I just want to be clear that we're not bringing love to a practice that doesn't have it. Well, zazen is basically cold and doesn't have any love in it. So we have to like... adds something to put in some love. It's not like that. Zazen is love. Shikantaza is maybe the most pure, beautiful expression of the love that is the reality of everything, you know, just by sitting there, doing nothing, completely receiving, completely offering. So as we invite these kind of techniques or ideas of love, please don't think that it's because something is missing in Zazen. It's to remind us what zazen really is. It's priming a pump. It's bringing this little jug of water over to begin some flow from this deep well that we all have. This well of love is our nature in our teaching.

[16:49]

It's okay to doubt that. if you must, but the teaching is clear, that we have in each of us this inconceivably deep well of Buddha's love. So how do we align with this zazen that is love and love? And how do we sit? How do we sit for these couple of days? So that's what I wanted to talk about, and I'll try not to go on for too long this morning, so we can get back to our sitting, and also hear from Nancy. But I wanted to bring up the posture of our practice. So as we sit zazang, it's always, I find helpful to recommit, especially with a sushin, to recommit to posture.

[18:01]

the physical posture of our practice. So sitting upright. For me, often the chin in a little bit and feeling the lifting up from the top of the back of my head, rolling forward my belly, letting the breath settle deeply, opening my cosmic mudra. And Nancy, by the way, has a wonderfully open cosmic mudra. that I think I first noticed over 20 years ago, seeing her in that hall with this fearlessly wide open, loving mudra. So opening, opening our mudra, let it in, let things in through the circle of our mudra. So these physical points of posture. We tend to these in session, upright and silent and still.

[19:10]

So to these elements of our physical posture, I want to suggest that we also consider, and especially this sashim, really take time to care for our heart posture, our heart posture. So I want to talk about three elements of our three aspects of our posture that are the posture of our heart. that we could check as we sit zazen, just as we check the aspects of our physical posture. And check doesn't mean like check off, but continuously care for, be aware of, bring into attention. So the first is, I would say, the metta aspect of our heart posture. which we could say as simply warm heart.

[20:31]

So I'm sitting upright, I'm allowing my body to be still, I'm feeling my breath, and I'm allowing my warm heart. So as Nancy shared with us last night, Suzuki Roshi said, if that element, you know, if that warm heart isn't present, it's not really zazen. It's something, but it's not zazen. It's a lifeless. So, as Suzuki Roshi says, even though you sit, trying to have the right posture and counting your breath, in other words, you've got this physical posture nailed, even so, it may still be lifeless zazen because you are just following instructions. You are not kind enough with yourself. You think that if you follow the instructions given by some teacher, then you will have good zazen. But the purpose of instruction is to encourage you to be kind with yourself. Do not count your breaths just to avoid your thinking mind, but to take the best care of your breathing.

[21:37]

So this feeling of taking care, cherishing, nourishing. Is there taking care here? Because if you are very kind with your breathing, one breath after another, you will have a refreshed, warm feeling in your zazen. When you have a warm feeling for your body and your breath, then you can take care of your practice and you will be fully satisfied. When you are very kind with yourself, naturally you will feel like this. So we open this warm feeling for our body and breath. And if we can't find this warm feeling, don't panic. And just as when we can't find some perfect posture, don't panic. We meet it right where it is. So I can't find my warm heart.

[22:43]

I'm just this cold rock inside and out. So can we start there? Can we care for that? Can we appreciate the suffering of that? Can we extend? Some warmth, some kindness to that. Wow. Cold rock inside and out. Oof. Extending that, that warmth and kindness to wherever we are. Suzuki Roshi says, a mother will take care of her child, even though she may have no idea how to make her baby happy. Similarly, when you take care of your posture and your breathing, there's a warm feeling in it. responsive, it's intimate, it's not control. So we put emphasis on warm heart, warm zazen. The warm feeling we have in our practice is, in other words, enlightenment or Buddha's mercy, Buddha's mind.

[23:44]

The point is, while inhaling and exhaling, to take care of the breath, just as a mother watches her baby. If a baby cries, the mother is worried. If our heart is cold, we're concerned. That kind of close relationship, being one with your practice is the point. I am not talking about anything new, the same old things. The same old things. So this warm heart, Wormsaza. This is the first. heart posture element that I want us, I invite us, I intend myself to care for the Sishin. Friendly, loving, tender care towards breath and body. The second element of heart posture that I want to offer is

[24:55]

this compassionate vow, that's the basis of our practice. So we can embody compassion or the Karuna, Brahmavihara, the Karuna element, and by connecting, reconnecting with what we call this vow. In other words, this awareness or understanding or recollection embodied that this zazen I'm doing right now, this listening to a Dharma talk or giving a Dharma talk that I'm doing right now, is a direct response to the suffering of beings, which I feel deeply and care deeply about. So this second Brahmavahara, Karuna, compassion, is just the wish for the non-suffering of beings.

[25:56]

of beings and this extending out to support suffering beings. Sometimes that's included in our metta meditation when we do the little small jar version of a metta meditation. We sometimes say, may you be free from suffering and all causes of suffering. That wish were beings to be free of suffering and extending ourselves to be of any support in that, that is the karuna element, compassion. We open deeply to feeling the suffering of beings, all beings, not just others, but ourself and all beings in ourself, all living beings, feeling that suffering, appreciating, respecting that suffering, and as we can, extending ourselves to meet it, to walk with it, to offer whatever healing,

[27:01]

we can. So in our practice, in the Buddha Dharma, this is known as the wish to practice for the benefit of others. And it's really the defining, speaking of like a choice point, that day I decided, you know, to be happy, for example, or to live for the benefit of others. So this is the defining moment. When this happens, then a being is a bodhisattva on the path to Buddhahood. So if there is a single pivotal choice point in our practice, it is that first, that moment of the first arising of that wish. Hōtsu boddhaishin is like this Buddha mind giving rise to this idea, I'd like to practice for others. So the arising of this, I wish to do Buddha practice, I wish to become a Buddha, not because that will just be how awesome it'll be to be a Buddha, but for the benefit of others.

[28:09]

So this arising of this wish begins with a deep feeling for and respect and appreciation and connection with the incalculable depth of suffering of beings. And when we touch that, when we open to that, In some little way, we never plumb the depths of that, I don't think. But we open to that suffering of others. And right there with that feeling is this deep wish that they be freed from suffering. So in the Buddha Dharma, along with that, we notice the suffering of the world. We are horrified by the suffering of the world, have a sincere wish for its relief. And then along with that, we have this thought that having a Buddha in the world, having the practice of Buddha in the world, would be a great medicine to ease the suffering of these suffering beings.

[29:11]

Hearing and seeing and feeling the suffering, wishing for it to end, and then having the insight or the idea that a Buddha would really help. What would help the suffering world? And we think, a Buddha would help. And there don't seem to be too many Buddhas around. From my view, at least, there's maybe no Buddhas. There's not many Buddhas. And how wonderful it would be if the world had some Buddhas to relieve, to help all of these suffering beings. This mind says, okay, how about I become a Buddha so that the world can have a Buddha for the benefit of suffering beings? It's utterly audacious. insane idea that is at the foundation of our practice, which is, I think I'm going to become a Buddha. I think I want to become a Buddha to help this world have a Buddha. And that's worth giving a life to.

[30:19]

And that vow, of course, is way beyond something I'm going to succeed at or fail at. It's like a spiritual principle. It's the truth of our practice. So may I become a Buddha in order to liberate, ease the suffering of living beings. So this is the reason we're practicing. We think that we're practicing for lots of reasons. But ultimately speaking, that's why we're practicing. As we were reading the Lotus Sutra in January, we were reminded that Whether we know it or not, really, that's why we're practicing. So I went and struck that in some of the ancient meditation manuals, for example, the instructions by our Chinese Tiantai ancestor, the Tiantai jiu-yi,

[31:30]

his meditation manual begins you know you want him to describe how to do meditation and you know what to eat and how to regulate the breath and how to sit upright and he says the first instruction he gives is make the great vow to bring all beings to liberation so that is the second posture element that i'm that i'm wanting to raise bring to mind this great vow to liberate all beings through this practice. So do I remember as I sit, as I start to sit and as I sit, do I remember that this practice is right now my response to the suffering of the world? It's something offered, not just for myself, but as a wise and compassionate activity in response to that suffering. It's not that I'm sitting here in Zazen or sitting here at a Dharma talk instead of responding to the suffering of the world.

[32:31]

This understanding, this posture element is to see, to align with the sense in which my sitting here is my response to the suffering of the world. And so as we sit, we can ask, are all suffering beings here with me? Is all of the suffering of the world here with me? Do I remember, you know, in whatever limited way I can access that, do I remember that their benefit is what I'm basically up to today as I sit? So before zazen, as Jiri is encouraging us, we bring this vow to mind. And then after our practices, often we say it again. We say, okay, before zazen, now that I'm going to practice, I remember this is for everyone to be free of suffering. And then after we practice, we say, okay, I just did something. May that thing I just did aid the liberation of all beings. We dedicate the merit. So all the way through, this compassionate vow is present as the second. heart posture element. And briefly, the third element is the open and connected aspect of our posture.

[33:42]

So our sasana practice is open. It's open to things coming in, and it's open to things flowing out. So we express this to our senses. Our eyes are a little bit open to receive light, if we have eyes that receive light. We have our hearing engaged to receive some sound, if we have hearing that engages sound. Whatever sensations, whatever opening we can open to include what's around us and connect with what's around us, this is an aspect of our posture. And this is the compassion element. So khanzeyon, this embodiment of compassion in our practice, is connecting with hearing beings and seeing and feeling beings and their suffering, allowing all of that in. So as we sit, we can feel if we're allowing in and allowing out, or if we're sitting in a bubble.

[34:59]

I have this image of sometimes doing zazen in a bubble, like nothing's getting in and nothing's coming out. I'm doing zazen. There's this bubble. And our practice is of opening, of hearing the sounds, of feeling the light, of expressing our full self and letting everything express itself to us. So a way that Suzuki Roshi expresses this open and connected element of our posture, our heart posture, is in this teaching of sharing the feeling, which some of you know Suzuki Roshi's teaching on sharing the feeling, because whenever I have the chance, I share it because I find it so beautiful. So Suzuki Roshi said, I want to share the feeling that we have right here, right now.

[36:03]

Sharing the feeling right here, right now is the fundamental or basic thing for Zen practice. Zen is, in a word, to share our feeling with people, with trees, and with mountains wherever we are. That is Zen practice. It's not going deep in some bubble. It's sharing our feeling with what's around us. And by feeling, it's not just emotions that we're sharing and includes that, but we're sharing, we're opening our presence, our feeling for life, our aliveness is being offered out, is being shared. And this sharing also has the element of sharing in, that we're sharing our life as we sit and we're sharing in the life of what's around us. We're sharing in the feeling that's being extended to us by people and trees and streets and cars and mountains.

[37:05]

And this is the basic activity of karuna, of compassion, that we are connecting with, allowing everything in and allowing ourselves out, extending to everything in this intimacy. This is the karuna, compassion posture element, open, connected. Suzuki Roshi says, you know, even though we're right in the middle of the woods, still it's so hard to appreciate the feeling of the woods. When we can really appreciate the feeling of the woods, that is zazen. So we're sharing our feelings with what's around us and we're participating in sharing in the feeling that the woods are extending to us, that the street is extending, that this room and the things in it quite literally are extending. I remember Rev once saying, let people in through your sides. This is for people sitting together in a meditation hall. It's like we're keeping our sides. This is also a physical posture point where can our elbows be a little bit out?

[38:10]

Are we protecting our sides from these people who are next to us? Let people in through our sides. We're not sitting in a bubble. So then this kind of perfection of this intimacy of mutual sharing of life connecting that Suzuki Roshi is describing, he says this thing about the moment of the Buddha's enlightenment. So as you remember, the Buddha saw the morning star one morning and awoke. And Suzuki Roshi says of that moment, he says, in other words, the Buddha shared his feeling, the morning star's feeling. We don't know. It is difficult to analyze whether that is Buddha's feeling or the morning star's feeling. Anyway, he shared his feeling with the morning star. That was his enlightenment. And this is also compassion. So the Buddha was looking at the star and he is just sharing himself with the star.

[39:15]

There was no bubble. And the star was looking at Shakyamuni Buddha and was just extending itself. Whose feeling was it? There was total intimacy. And that was his enlightenment, the star's enlightenment, the enlightenment of all beings. At that moment, all of us were enlightened like the great net that lifts us all. So thank you for indulging me these additional instructions. I don't mean to complicate your Zazen practice. These are just points to check to see if we're in alignment with simple, pure Zazen practice. I've been thinking of my late teacher, our late dear friend Mel, who died just over a month ago, Mel Weitzman, and I always felt in his presence very complicated. I felt he didn't say, wow, Jiria, you are an extremely complicated person. Why do you make everything so complicated? I don't remember him saying that, but

[40:17]

When I was with him, all I could feel was, I'm so complicated. This is not so complicated. The utter simplicity of his loving, steady practice. So I don't mean to be complicating our zazen practice, but just giving some points of reference to align with this utterly simple, loving expression that is shikantaza. So as we sit upright, silent and still, asking, metta, is the warm heart here? Am I caring for the breath? Or am I using the breath that's like a weapon to defeat my mind? Is metta here? Am I caring for my breath and body? Is karuna here in my vow? Am I responding through this sitting to the suffering of the world? And is Karuna here as my connection? Am I sitting in a bubble or am I sharing my feeling and sharing the feeling?

[41:20]

So those were the three posture points that I wanted to raise. And thank you very much for your attention and would love to hear. Nancy, sorry to take so much time, but if you would please offer some words, I'm just very grateful. Dear you, thank you. It's hard for me to speak right now. My heart is so full, so nourished. I feel incredibly simple in your presence. Letting the words... Nourish my heart. These turning, engaging, beautiful heart practices.

[42:34]

Reminding us that in Zazen, In Sesshin, it's all right here. You don't have to look anywhere. Thank you for sharing your feeling with us. This beautiful teaching that you now embody a gift from Suzuki Roshi. Pointing you, pointing each of us to what is here right now, if we allow it out, allow it in. I also want to thank you, actually, Jiryu. Personally, I worked on the farm for four years and I did not love the pump.

[43:40]

I cursed the pump every time I turned on the irrigation and there was nothing happening. And I had to get on the bike and ride up three fields with my little offering to the pump to get things flowing again. But what a beautiful image we offer. Just a little. You know, we extend. just a little. We open just a little. And this flow is here. And I appreciate so much when it doesn't feel that way. And I appreciate Sashin so much for that, that we just keep returning to our cushion. The schedule is there for us to follow. So when we are lost, when we are not feeling this feeling, you know, we just keep coming back. Just follow this schedule.

[44:44]

Give ourselves over to the schedule and keep returning. This is Karuna. This is compassion. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving, by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[45:28]

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