My name is Linda. Is there anyone here who's here for the first time tonight? Wonderful. Thank you very much for coming. You're welcome. I'd like to start by thanking my teacher, Sojin Mel Weitzman, who has supported me in innumerable ways. So this is the new year, and commonly in the new year, we think about New Year's resolutions. Often we think we're not going to make some New Year's resolutions because we know we won't keep them. But I think we often think about them because it's a time of renewal and starting afresh. So I was thinking about resolutions. And I did look up the etymology of resolution. And some of the things that it said were the process of reducing things into simpler forms. And the sense of solving, like solving a mathematical problem, or the decision or expression of a meeting.

[01:09]

So there's some sense of kind of a honing in, coming to something definite, this problem that we can address and maybe resolve. It's a resolution to resolve kind of a problem. This idea that there's kind of an achievable goal. And... This can be really a very useful thing to do, but I think all too often we get very caught in the idea that there's a problem with ourselves or with the world and that we can solve it. And Suzuki Roshi liked to say that you should be grateful for your problems. And he also said, the problems that you have today will be your problems for the rest of your life. And when I heard that, I found that enormously comforting. The idea that I didn't have to get rid of my problems, that there wasn't going to be someday when I was going to be okay, when I was really different than I am now.

[02:16]

And still, we practice. So what does this mean and how do we practice? Because he also said, you're perfect just as you are. And you could use a little improvement. So how do we hold these two things together? For myself, I find this very challenging to hold this idea that I am perfect, just as I am, and yet I know very deeply that there is some improvement possible. So I want to talk tonight about vow and the way that I understand vow as being different than, say, a New Year's resolution. To begin with, a vow is much bigger than a New Year's resolution. Often a New Year's resolution is something we think we should, you know, it's like an improvement, an expectation, a small piece of ourselves maybe, but a vow is really about our whole life.

[03:22]

It's what's most important, really touching into our inmost desires. what's truly, truly important. Lately, I've been kind of making it a practice when I feel caught in likes or dislikes or feeling pulled around by my moods to stop and reflect, what do I really want right now? It seldom turns out to be something particularly mundane. It kind of tends to open up if I really listen to my heart about what is really my heart's desire now. Because our heart's desires are not really about comfort. Our moment-to-moment desires are often very much about comfort. Physical comfort or relational comfort or self-esteem comfort, all those kinds of things.

[04:27]

But vow, the etymology comes from a wish, a promise, a dedication, to speak solemnly, pledge, dedicate. One who offers a sacrifice. And a sacrifice is to make sacred. So the act of vowing is to make our lives sacred. So living by vow is... to let go of being pulled around by our moment-to-moment desires and to stay as close as we can with what is deepest and truest for us. So first of all, we have to know what that is. And I think for each of us, it's really helpful to reflect on what your own deepest vows are And some of them may endure over time, and some of them may shift a little from day to day.

[05:32]

But it's really helpful to be in close contact with what's most important. Our understanding of how to be free, like there's the vow, and then there's the how. So how to be free, how to live in harmony with others, deepens over time and through practice and through our maturity. We become less self-centered. We become more aware of how we are deeply interdependent with other people. My happiness cannot be separate from yours. So the bodhisattva vow is to remain in this world and save all beings. So there's a traditional formula for vows within Zen. There are four bodhisattva vows. Bodhisattvas are enlightening beings.

[06:34]

And we say them frequently. We say them at the full moon ceremony and we say them after talks. And they are beings are numberless. I vow to save them. Delusions are inexhaustible. I vow to end them. Dharma gates are boundless. I vow to enter them. Buddha's way is unsurpassable. I vow to become it. So these are really, really big vows. It's about as big as you can get. And they're, by definition, impossible. Beings are numberless, I vow to save them. Delusions are inexhaustible, and yet I vow to end them. So how do we relate to this?

[07:37]

How do we relate to this impossible vow? We can kind of ignore it, or think that's too big, or I'll do that... Later, that's a really nice practice and I'll take that up later when I'm more enlightened or more settled or I've got my act together or I've got a better job or I'm not so angry or I'm less selfish or whatever it is. We can put it off or we can think that we're really not good enough to take it up or we can get very serious about it and try really hard and judge ourselves about it. But I want to talk tonight about some ways of practicing with this very concretely in terms of practicing with beings, with these beings that we vow to save, these other people in our lives, our friends, our sangha members, our family, our co-workers, people we don't know so well, maybe even people we don't like very much.

[08:44]

But I think with such a big vow, it's really good to start small, to really start where you are and to start with maybe the people around you and to start with the ones that are maybe the easiest. And I think the ones that are easiest are the people you know but not terribly well. People you know really well are often very challenging because you have very strong feelings about them, good or bad. So this is a wonderful field of practice and very challenging, but I want to talk about just the simple ones, the people you know somewhat. So if we're going to have this vow to save beings, maybe a really good place to start is just to notice that they exist, just in the conventional way, as separate beings. beings that are not me and are actually present in my life because very often we can pass by people not only on the street but people that we work with or live with or are around on a daily basis and we just kind of pass them by and don't interact very much not just about interacting but we kind of zone out a little bit just kind of go on autopilot and

[10:16]

Don't see what's there. Because if we don't see people as separate first, we tend to fall into, we can fall into oneness, like it's all one man. So I don't have to pay so much attention to you because you're just an extension of me and you want what I want, right? Which is to have a very quiet morning, thank you very much. Or to talk, or whatever it is. So to just start with what's right in front of you, with the people right in front of you. And particularly where you notice, maybe, that there's just a little bit of friction within yourself, not necessarily between you, but a little discomfort, a little something. Maybe there's someone that you pass on the way to work every day or in your daily life. that you notice you turn away from a little bit, that there's a little bit of withdrawal, or... And it can go the other way, too.

[11:27]

It can be someone that you hang on to a little bit, maybe someone that you're flirting with a little bit, or someone that you kind of use to relieve the distraction or the boredom, whatever. So, but we tend to, we actually are very much aware of our relations with other people, And if you can tune into those subtle levels, you don't have to make really big vows. You can just attend to what's right there. So one of the things that I did a year ago, I worked in the front office, and I had heard that this was a difficult and challenging position because there's people coming in all day, and there's really no place to retreat to. You're just kind of on, and you're open. all day long, and your office isn't really your own either, because it's also where the mailboxes are, and there's a lot of coming and going. And I tend to like a little space to myself, at least sometimes, and I knew I wasn't going to get that.

[12:30]

So I was thinking, okay, how am I going to practice with this? And I had also heard from different sources that In the past, Zen Center had something of a reputation as not being so warm and friendly, especially as we relate to the front door. So the person who was leaving the office had suggested that whenever I answered the front door, whenever the bell rang, to open the door all the way and smile. This was kind of a new idea at the time. I really took that up as a practice of opening the front door all the way, smiling, saying hello, and inviting the person all the way in before I started a conversation with them, regardless of who it was. Sometimes we can peek out through the little window, see if you're threatening or not.

[13:35]

I was very shy when I grew up. And I've somewhat grown out of it, but for the longest time I had the idea that I could only be friendly or outgoing or engage with people or help people if I was in that mental state myself, if I had sort of enough inside me to give. Because if I was feeling really shy, I didn't feel like I could do that. And what I learned, you know, opening the door innumerable times during the day, is that it's actually a practice, and that the physical act of opening the door brought me into a state of mind of smiling and welcoming, and it wasn't something I had to try to do anymore. And even when I was not in a good mood, it was like I couldn't help it. Like, opening the door, I'd be smiling and saying, come in, and my mood would change. And that was really a revelation to me that I didn't have to be

[14:37]

living in reaction to my own notes. I could actually reach out to other people, and the other thing was I didn't have to be super skillful at it. Just saying hello was a really, really good start. And often that was enough. And then listening. Seeing what was actually there, rather than imagining what I might need to do. My teacher, Sojin Noel Weitzman, used to talk about that we often have a crying baby inside of us, you know, this distressed part of us. And how do we relate to that distressed part? It's fighting back or having likes and dislikes or a bad hair day or whatever it is, large or small. And how do we relate with this crying baby? You know, when we have this vow to save all beings, especially.

[15:37]

And Sojin would say that you take care of the baby. You cradle it. You don't throw it out. You don't smother it. You don't try to make it stop crying. Sometimes you can distract it a little bit. But you don't have to have it be happy. You don't have to have it stop. And you don't have to be a slave to it. You don't have to be a slave to the baby that we all have inside of us that cries sometimes. Sometimes I see parents who are like this. Their child is freaking out, just losing it. And they're not. And I'm really struck by this. And it makes me really happy when I see this because I see that it's possible to be really upright in the face of unhappiness. And this is such a gift.

[16:42]

And, you know, I think it's something we kind of have to develop. So practice is a wonderful way to develop this. And that's why it's wonderful to start with really small things because we can develop our confidence. So to not be disturbed by what arises. It is often said that one of the greatest gifts that we can give another person, particularly it's talked about in terms of monastics, of monks, that one of the greatest gifts that a monk can give another is the gift of fearlessness. ones often don't have material possessions to give. So the gift of fearlessness is very great. And I think that when we can attend to crying babies in ourselves or in others and to not be disturbed by the crying, by the upset, by our own or the other's reaction, then this is an enormous gift to just be present with stability,

[17:56]

and to listen. So even when these difficult mind states arise when we're afraid if we can stay close we can find a way. Once many years ago I was living in a little rear cottage And I couldn't really see out at all from where I was. But one afternoon, I heard an argument. It was escalating. And I wasn't sure who it was. I thought it was my neighbor. I was concerned, but I didn't want to pry because I would have had to go out of my house and into the yard next door to even see who it was. But eventually I thought, you know, this isn't sounding so good.

[18:58]

So I did go out and I looked. And what I saw was my landlord, my neighbor, Mr. Parker. And he was on his back in the driveway. And his son was kneeling over him with his hands around his neck and was beating his head against the concrete. And Mr. Parker saw me. And... called out to me to help him, and I was just frozen. His son was in his 20s, and I already knew his son. He was very unstable and had some problems, and he would come over and visit me from time to time and, you know, want to buy me a Coke or something, and I thought he was probably on drugs, and he was built like a linebacker. And I was afraid for my own safety, and I was afraid for Mr. Parker. But even bigger than being afraid, I felt so bad to be helpless.

[20:03]

That was the worst thing, was to want to help so deeply and to feel so helpless. And Mr. Parker said, go get Mrs. Parker. And the first thing I said was, thank you. I was so relieved to be able to help. to have something to do. And I knew that Mrs. Parker would be able to handle this because she was a very tough lady. So I went across the street and knocked on the door, and it took a few minutes to convince Mrs. Parker that this was actually going on, what I said, and she walked over and immediately started trying to pull off her son, which was completely ineffective. So she picked up a nearby two-by-four and started wailing on her son's head and shoulders, and ah, ma, got off. So I had enormous gratitude to Mrs. Parker, because I didn't know what to do, that I had the deep desire to help.

[21:10]

And I had to be open to my own fear, to my desire to help, and to listening to what I actually could do in that situation. So in some senses, I think these crises, these big moments in our lives are kind of a moment to see, oh, okay, this illustrates something for me. This was long before I ever started to practice. But I could see that I didn't have to have it all figured out. I didn't have to know what to do in every situation. I could even meet a situation that I totally didn't know what to do with. This was like so far outside of my own experience. I was clueless. And I could still help in some way. But it's really, I think, the day-to-day things that are where our practice develops. Sometimes the crises are easier because they're just so big and so clear.

[22:16]

day to day is where we live do we turn toward the person at the door or do we turn away and we also need to turn toward ourselves and care for this being as well as all beings it does say save all beings it's not like save all beings except this one Save all beings altogether. So I think another side of vow, of moving toward what our deepest desire is, is deep appreciation for our own practice, for how we live our lives, and for other people. the other people in our lives, of having that deep practice for them, deep appreciation for them, to really notice other people's virtue, to appreciate their joy, and to appreciate our own.

[23:38]

Not to hold on to it, not to show it off, but just to enjoy it and then let it go and move on to the next thing. So because we are completely interdependent, we're so permeable to other people. We might think that we're separate beings, but if someone smiles at us, our whole mood can change. If someone looks at us the wrong way, our mood can real change. So we can do that for other people, too. We can give them the gift of Confidence and trust and fearlessness. Even if you think you don't have these things to give away, nobody thinks they have these things. They did a lovely study on courage. And they said, could you tell me somebody that, well, first they asked for people, tell me a time when you acted courageously.

[24:41]

Nobody could say I ever acted courageously. All of a sudden I was terrified. And then I said, okay, well, maybe you could tell me. someone else that you know who acted courageously. And they say, oh, yeah, yeah, I know lots of people who acted courageously. And then they went and talked to the people that were identified as being courageous, and they say, oh, your friend told me that you were actually courageous. He said, no, no, no, I was terrified. So our own experience, you know, we still have these problems, you know, what we think of as problems. We think that it's a problem to be afraid. Well, we think that it's a problem to be worried. or anxious, or whatever it is that we live with on a daily basis. Our old habit patterns. They may not really be a problem for other people. They may notice really different things about you. Now, some people are the other way around. They... create problems from other people and they think they have no problems but generally most of you by being here I'm going to trust that you are the type of people who are trying to live good lives and are concerned about that and are probably fairly self-reflective and maybe a little hard on yourselves.

[26:04]

So I would encourage you all to Enjoy your practice. Enjoy your problems. Appreciate your problems. And stay close to your deepest, inmost desires. And get just a little closer. Doesn't have to be a lot. Just a little closer. really all I want to say so maybe there's time for questions if anyone has any he was a little shaken up and he was okay yeah his son was on drugs he didn't live at home anymore You mean like you're not sure you have a practice or some of the people here might not?

[27:29]

The latter. I think probably all of us have some sense that there is something really important in our lives other than the obvious material things. And we have some ways that we try to get closer to that that we may not recognize as a practice. Long before I ever started Zen practice, I wrote in a journal And that was a place where I was basically committed to telling the truth. And after a while I realized that that was a practice.

[28:35]

When I sat down, there was a deep commitment to seeing the truth. And later I started taking trips by myself out to the desert. And I didn't have any idea what I was doing out there, but I knew that I needed to go. So I think, you know, there's a saying from the Christian tradition, for every step that we take toward God, God takes ten steps toward us. So I think that we enliven our practice, but there's a way that it's not my practice. That it's almost something that wants to happen. And we can listen for We can listen for that deep place in each of us that kind of wants to emerge and wants to be heard and given a voice and manifested.

[29:46]

you know, the first thing that came to me is I don't know really what it is to be sacred, but that makes a lot of sense because I think if I could say what it was, it wouldn't be that. So I think it's what's really big, what's bigger than this body or these concerns. It's about the whole of things and the deeper meaning the inner connection, life force, all of that which can't be spoken, but when we're in touch with it, I think we know it. I know it. I think we have some ability to recognize that in some way and then to move, to follow that and move deeper in it. And it can show up in all kinds of ways. I mean, science fiction can be sacred. Picking flowers can be sacred.

[31:16]

Taking the garbage out can be sacred. The most mundane things can be sacred. I think that it has to do with that complete interconnectedness and the whole working together and being a part of, kind of being an active part of that whole. By being fearless in the midst of fear, of not letting fear, I mean, a monk or anyone, right? That's the wonderful thing about this American Buddha way, is that the lines between a monk and a layperson are very, very soft, you know? So you, anyone, can give away fearlessness by not being limited by your fear.

[32:19]

So we can go ahead and do the things that we know are necessary. But also, I think, so that's kind of the big, big way of doing it. But there's lots of smaller and more subtle ways of doing it, which is really of turning toward, toward your fear and toward the object of fear. And when you turn toward it, it's like opening the door on the monster in the closet. you know, or the monster under the bed. It's like, whether there's a monster there or not, okay, there it is. I see you. And it's not like, you know, it's not imagining it's some big thing. It's just meeting what's there directly. Did I answer your question? They are intentional.

[33:27]

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