This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening, everyone. Off to a little bit of a rocky start there. Nice to see everyone. When I was thinking about what I wanted to talk about tonight, the things that came to me, knowing that it was going to be the last time that I would have a chance actually to do this, were healing, community, and the mystery that is our lives. And as I started to think about this, I thought, what is my deepest wish in giving this talk?

[01:10]

And it was to say something encouraging. So this practice period, we're studying Suzuki Roshi's way of practice. And in Zen mind, beginner's mind, it's often a real mind bender, I find. and I think others probably do too. But at kind of unexpected moments, Suzuki Roshi says, you know, things like, the purpose of my talk is not to give you some intellectual understanding, but just to express my appreciation for our Zen practice. Or, I do not feel like speaking after Zazen. I feel the practice of Zazen is enough. But if I must say something, I think... I would like to talk about how wonderful it is to practice Zazen. Our purpose is just to keep this practice forever. If you continue this simple practice every day, you will obtain a wonderful power.

[02:12]

And just last night we were studying from Not Always So... Be Kind to Yourself. Is that the name of the chapter? You think that if you follow the instructions given by some teacher, then you will have good zazen. But the purpose of instruction is to encourage you to be kind with yourself. So last night we had a wonderful class, and I've been in a really bad mood the last few days, actually trying to write this encouraging Dharma talk. And it was in that wonderful class that all of us bringing... this teaching to life, I found, again, connected to the community that I wanted to talk about, about healing and community and the mystery that is our life. So I was very grateful to feel connected to the talk that I had written. Ever since I started practice at Green Gulch some time ago, Suzuki Roshi has encouraged me

[03:22]

Living among his students and his students' students was encouragement, though I actually never really thought of it that way. When I was told that I had to go on bed rest for the last month of my pregnancy, because the doctor ordered it, I was in quite a sort of pathetic state. And I was very sad. And I told my girlfriend, Leslie Tila, that the only ones in the world who loved me were Suzuki Roshi and the Dalai Lama. And I was really feeling that way. And so I didn't reach for Suzuki Roshi's words. But during that month, next to my bed, Suzuki Roshi... sat with me and was my kind companion and witness.

[04:30]

And if you've spent any time with this photo of Suzuki Roshi, he comes right through. And you know what I mean. So a month later when I got in the backseat of a two-door Volkswagen rabbit, with the seat pushed forward and me leaning against it. My friend Leslie handed me this book. So Suzuki Roshi went up Highway 1 with me and was right there. Ed told me a few months ago, he decided that Suzuki Roshi's way of practice would be the theme for this practice period. And he said, but that might be kind of challenging for you because you don't... never knew Suzuki Roshi. And it was funny, I mean, I didn't mention it to Ed, but that was a little disorienting for me, you know, because he, because I feel like I know him and he's been there through so many difficult times.

[05:38]

Just right there. So, So the part of healing and community and the mystery that is our lives, for some reason, a talk Reb Anderson gave on the occasion of our 50th anniversary came back to me, and I couldn't really remember what Reb said that day at Green Gulch, but I remember the feeling of being in the Zendo. So it... was a couple of years ago. It was our 50th anniversary, and on Saturday, Baker Roshi gave a Dharma talk here at City Center, and then the following day at Green Gulch, Reb Anderson gave the Dharma talk. And there were many people gathered at Green Gulch for that Dharma talk, and there were many old-timers, and probably some of you in this room were there for that talk.

[06:48]

And, you know, there were people in the room that hadn't been back to Green Gulch in many, many years. And maybe people who hadn't spoken to each other in many years. And there were residents and former residents and people from the larger Sangha who'd been a part of Zen Center for a long time. And I was really interested, and I'm sure a lot of people were interested, to hear what Reb was going to say that day. So the name of the talk that he gave that day at Green Gulch was called The Three Bodies of Zen Center. And I would... I'd like to share with you the essence of that talk. We each have a story about Zen Center and our relationship with it. And... whether it's your first time at Zen Center, maybe this is some of your first time at Zen Center, or maybe you've been around a long time, but you have a story about Zen Center.

[08:02]

Maybe where you fit in or where you don't fit in, or what a welcoming place it is, or what a dysfunctional place it is. Maybe you question who makes the decisions. Maybe for you it's a refuge, and you know that this is what you want to do with the rest of your life. Maybe it's how you don't feel seen here. You ask yourself, what am I doing here? And you look around at others and say, what are you doing here? So everyone in this room has some story, as did everyone at Green Gulch that day. So, you know, Reb said there are thousands and thousands of stories of Zen Center. He himself that day told stories of Zen Center, the founding of Zen Center, and how he came to practice.

[09:08]

He gave me... told us some of his Way of Seeking Mind story. And yet, at the heart of it, there is no Zen Center. And this is the first body of Zen Center, the Dharma body of Zen Center that is free of all of our stories about Zen Center. And the second body... of Zen Center is the transformative or the imaginary body of Zen Center. And this is the Zen Center that's challenged by our stories of it. I think what is really important here is that the stories are not dismissed. The stories are actually important. And it's important not to dismiss our stories, but rather to take care of our stories.

[10:15]

And in this case, the story of Zen Center. And that in taking care of each of our stories of Zen Center, this is how we take care of Zen Center. So how does one take care of a story? by, I'm going to suggest, looking closely at our story, by looking to see where there's clinging, where there's grasping, where there's pushing away and aversion. Is there fear in our story? What do we refuse to give up about our story? how does this story feel in my body? Can we be calm with the story? Can we bring compassion and calm to our story?

[11:17]

And the third body of Zen Center is the bliss body. And the bliss body is the reward body for practicing compassionately with our stories, and understanding that there's a story that is free of all of our stories. And when we realize this, this is the bliss body, and there is a dance that is going on all the time of the new story Zen Center and our stories of Zen Center. So, you know, That morning in the zendo, I felt healing. And I was imagining that others in the zendo were also feeling healing from what Reb was offering in his talk.

[12:27]

I felt my own story open up. And I would say... that that's pretty blissful. Also, the gift I felt that morning was just really to encourage us. It was such an encouraging, fresh talk. Yes, there were five decades behind us. Yes, we are in relationship. And at any moment, this bliss stance is right there. So it's easy to blame Zen Center for, it was easy for me to blame Zen Center around the hurt, around my own leaving. It was a tricky relationship in the time following, the time that I left. We had been in residency for nine years, you know, working side by side, practicing side by side.

[13:33]

And... And it's tricky, and a lot of relationships are tricky. It took me a while to stop telling myself a certain version of that story. And one day I was talking with a dear Dharma friend, Linda McElwee, and I was telling her... about a dream I had around the time of leaving. And we had lived down at Green... We had lived at Green Gulch in Tassar together. And I was telling her about this dream. And in the dream, we were... In the dream, we were driven out. And she listened to my whole story. And without a pause, when I ended, she looked at me and she said...

[14:36]

And someday you will be so grateful for that. And in that moment, I was. And this story that I had been holding and telling and thinking about, in the moment that Linda met me with that story, it completely shifted. And I was filled with gratitude. Um... I think I still feel the bliss of that. So I ask you, what story do you tell yourself about Zen Center? Whether I told myself a story of being inside or outside, my vow remained the same. Why had I gone to Zen Center in the first place?

[15:41]

What was at the heart of my practice? Was my vow to stay in residency when it was no longer what I needed to be doing? I believe that my vow is to live a life of awakening. So this is a short excerpt from Norman Fisher's book, Taking Our Places, The Buddhist Path to Truly Growing Up. When you vow, you get in touch with and give yourself completely to what matters most, the experience of receiving an inner calling and answering that calling with your whole life. The vowing life... begins intimately and personally, but expands outward, bringing the passion of the personal through discipline and commitment over time to deeper and wider realms.

[16:51]

Vows can be practiced, but never exactly completed, for they are essentially unfulfillable. and it is their inexhaustibility that propels us forward, opens us up, shapes our desires and actions. Personally, for me, my spiritual growth, it was essential that I leave in order to keep evolving. I needed to look at what was at the heart of my vow, awaken in this lifetime and to continue to turn toward the mystery of my life where was i holding back where had i fallen asleep where had i gotten lazy what was i afraid to look at it was all waiting for me outside the monastery gate i haven't quite figured out a lot of those pieces still and i still

[18:01]

constantly turn this question. What is it to take my place now? What is my place now? What story am I telling myself? What is calling for my attention that I'm ignoring? And can I meet it with calm and compassion? We are each unique, and individual. Each of us has a place in the world and taking that place is our real job as human beings. Most likely that was the reason that we came to Zen Center. Each of us is responding to our inner most desire to fully step into our lives and break through the barriers that separate us from fully living. Our vow is to turn towards our life and our suffering.

[19:05]

Norman poses the question in his book, how do we do the work that will nurture a truly mature heart from which can flow healing words and deeds? Not to escape from delusion, but to practice right in the middle of it. This is our vow. Healing our hearts is essential. a lifetime commitment that involves discipline and involves others. For we are relational creatures. Can we keep honoring the mystery that is our lives? The bliss dance is always happening. And as Reb reminded us when we gathered to mark 50 years of community, there is joy in opening to our stories.

[20:19]

And in the vastness of not knowing. So, may we take care of this gift that Suzuki Roshi gave to each of us. Warm hand to warm hand. Warm gaze. a warm gaze when I slow down long enough to remember to be with you in that I'm being kind to myself and I see this gaze sometimes.

[21:31]

So I feel I just rushed through that talk. And do we have time, Chris? Is there a lot of time for questions? A few questions? Okay. Shinda. Dharma combat. What? So you can start early. How do I feel about that? Okay. And that's worrying me. really trying not to think about it. Okay. I was late for the practice period tea this afternoon and when I arrived there was a conversation going on about community and everything that was being said.

[23:00]

I felt like was what I had been thinking about as I was writing this talk. I think what resonated was how do we take care of community? back in a residential space again. It's pretty wonderful. Although, when I started to think about community, I felt like I started stepping on everyone's toes. And that kind of felt tender and familiar. When we left, Olivia was five, and now she's 15, so it's a little different.

[24:07]

And getting up so early. We can also just sit, but... You know, some. Thank you, everyone. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[24:46]

@Transcribed_UNK
@Text_v005
@Score_96.43