Greetings, everyone. I'm being told that I can start. Usually we have a chant. I don't know if I'm even audible. Can I get a thumbs up if you can hear me? Thank you, Kim and Shindo. I see you toastily in some type of Dharma layer there. Are we going to do a chant? I can't. Usually an Eno or someone will make that introduction. Okay. An unsurpassed, penetrating and perfect dharma is rarely met with, even in a hundred thousand million kalpas, having it to see and, oh boy, to remember and accept. I vow to taste the truth of the Tathakata's words.

[03:28]

So interesting how we... lose our way so easily. But warm greetings to you all out there. I'm enjoying this non-hybrid approach. I know that everyone is online. So welcome to the Wednesday night Dharma talk here at City Center. My name is Eli. I'm a resident priest here. I also serve as the director of diversity, inclusion, and belonging. For some of you may be joining us just out of the blue, welcome. You're joining us in the middle of a 10-week practice period where we're studying what an appropriate response is, encountering Suzuki Roshi's teachings on the Blue Cliff Record. And as I mentioned a couple of weeks ago when I gave a talk, when I was trying to figure out how to to move forward with these things.

[04:32]

Abbot David gave me some good advice to talk about what I'm practicing with. And last time I spoke, I talked a little bit about koans and how to practice them in a more modern way. And tonight I'm going to speak a little bit about how it's just some reflections that have came up as Shusoh I want to extend an extended gratitude to both Abbot David and Abbot Ed for, yeah, allowing me to support and continue the practice in this temple. As a quick reminder or a refresher for those who may not know what Shusou means, it simply means head student or head monk. And how you get invited to serve in this way, probably differs from temple to temple or lineage to lineage.

[05:33]

So don't quote me on this, but at least in these realms, once somebody has practiced in a temple for some time with their teacher, in my case, just around a decade, and perhaps we've taken up various roles in the temple, trained in the various positions, such as playing the instruments, whether that's the hahn, Ringing the bells as a Doan or announcing chants as Kokyo. But furthermore, once students have settled into their own practice and have somewhat shifted towards supporting the practice of others, and usually in that process, we take up leadership roles, perhaps do some senior staff stuff, so on and so forth. I may get asked to help carry on the teachings and the traditions of this lineage.

[06:34]

Being that Zen training is experiential, I guess you could say that I have some experience as a Soto Zen student at San Francisco Zen Center, particularly City Center or Hoshinji, which means Beginner's Mind Temple. And I also like to call it the Bodhisattva rock tumbler. If I were doing this Shuso period at Tassajara, as I may have dreamed, one thing that they have down there is this thing called the Shuso log. At least I think that's what it's called. And I always would sit and imagine what I would write in it. You know, these top secret Zen notes to other Shusos, maybe some poetry. And tonight, since I don't get to jot in that book, I thought that it might be good to just speak to what I would have maybe put in some of those journey entries, journal entries, and what maybe has been supportive to my practice throughout these 10 years or so.

[07:46]

The important part to remember is that we are all... our own head students, especially of our life. And that's the only place that our practice can actually be experienced or expressed from. If there's, I guess, a message tonight, I'm just trying to communicate that from ourselves, from our position is the only place we can practice from. Acknowledging the balance between absolute and relative. from the standpoint of compassion and, of course, beginning with yourself. But really, we can only give this effort one moment at a time, one step of the journey at a time. And so to kind of underline my experience as Shuso, the teaching of Danya Prajnaparamita has really informed how I meet each moment. And it's kind of nice to choose so, because all of these kind of practice points become, I don't know, you become more aware of them.

[08:56]

It's kind of like, you know, Ed and David are splashing cold water on my face, asking me to wake up and practice. And as I said, this invitation to meet life with a beginner's mind, a mind that's not stuck in discrimination, a mind that's open, fluid, ready for whatever. This Zen practice is done by sitting Zazen and paying attention moment to moment throughout the day, from when we hear the wake up bell to obviously sitting, chanting in service, temple cleaning through breakfast. And if any of you have practiced at Zen Center, you know that we don't stop there, that our steps continue throughout the day. in the work that we engage in as an expression of right livelihood. And we're invited to these work positions that cover a whole spectrum from the preliminaries of cutting vegetables and caring for the temple to various senior positions, directors, tantos, and sometimes even abbots.

[10:08]

And through all these roles, again, we're bringing the same practice mind the same Zaza and mine into our work and through all the activities we meet throughout the day. And as Zen students, one of our practices is to follow the schedule and just to simply show up to what's next with as much sincerity and wholeheartedness as we can. So in a nutshell, that's my charge. So Shuso entry number one, into the log number one. I would probably speak towards what my practice intention is as I engage in being a head student. And as I've already said, it's one step at a time, one moment at a time. And so I wanted to turn towards one of the, like I said, one of the more poignant things teachings to me in Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, which I'll be touching throughout tonight.

[11:15]

And it's on the chapter called God Giving. And he starts it by expressing what Danya Prajna Paramita is. I guess before I get into that, I think most people are somewhat familiar with, or I've heard the word dana, which is to give. And you may be familiar with that as an expression of how Buddhist folks receive material goods or money. Prajna is wisdom. And paramita can mean perfection or highest, most excellent, which you may have familiar with if you've ever chanted the Heart Sutra or the Great Perfect Wisdom Sutra. However, in this context, they... split the para and the mita, the para meaning to have gone beyond the further bank, shore or the boundary. And the mita part of it means simply that you've arrived.

[12:17]

So in this sense, prajnaparamita means to reach the other shore. And our founding teacher expressed this by saying, We have a saying, danya, prajna, paramita. Danya means to give, prajna is wisdom, and the paramita means to cross over or reach the other shore. Our life can be seen as a crossing of a river. The goal of our life's effort is to reach the other shore, nirvana. Prajna paramita, the true wisdom of life is that each step of the way, the other shore is actually reached. And so that's the the big kind of emphasis that each step along the way, the other shore is reached. And this Zen way of life, this daily practice that we engage in, really is settling into each step and reaching that shore again, again, again, and again.

[13:21]

Since I've been Shuso, this crossing does feel a little bit pronounced, as I said, probably just because I'm paying more attention. And part of this Shuso experience is being full body, full expression of my effort with full intention. And in that, there's a way that I'm revealed more or... one could say, outward facing. And that's in the hope of supporting others, encouraging others to practice. So I hope that that is so for at least one person. I know it's been true for me. And tonight I wanted to talk about some of those steps that we take to cross this shore daily. And because of the experiential nature of our practice, these these steps that we take really help awaken ourselves to the two truths from an internal standpoint.

[14:28]

Because, you know, this whole big mind, small mind thing is really not done conceptually. So it's a way of inadvertently working this into our body, into the fabric of ourselves. And, you know, I think the other aspects besides practice that touch into that deep paradox are are probably art, poetry. One of my favorites is comedy, or through koans, as Abbot Ed did so beautifully this past Saturday with Vimalakirti's great, The Gate of Nonduality. And as I move forward with this kind of increased awareness, one could say, the... Yeah, there's something that becomes more vast for me in each and every moment. And if there was a purpose to practicing Zen, I know that my teacher would say to reveal your true nature in anything you do.

[15:35]

And becoming more aware of that by creating some space around the conditioned eye and opening up, hopefully revealing more big mind. And the practice itself that Dogen and Suzuki Roshi put forth requests or actually reminds us that everything we do is prajna, danya, prajna, paramita. Everything we do, whether it's a wave of a hand or a word of the dharma. It's important to know not only that that's giving, but even more so to remember who is doing that giving. And so he speaks to that, Suzuki Roshi, in a way that, again, I think I wasn't raised Christian or anything, but I think just the form of how maybe I was introduced to spirituality, this kind of somewhat cuts through.

[16:40]

And he says, according to Christianity, And excuse me for reading so much. I just I don't know what quite to leave out. According to Christianity, every existence in nature is something that was created for given to us by God. This is the perfect idea of giving. But if you think God created man and that you think somehow you are separate from God, you're liable to think that you have the ability to create something separate from something not given by her. And I will interchange. him for hers and God for universe, just so that it flows a little better. For instance, we create airplanes and highways. And when we repeat, I create, I create, I create, we soon forget who is actually the I which creates the various things. We soon forget about the universe. This is a danger of human culture. Actually, to create what the big I is to give. We cannot create and own what we create for ourselves since everything

[17:42]

was created by the universe. This point should not be forgotten. Not to be attached to something is to be aware of its absolute value. Everything you do should be based on such awareness and not on material or self-centered ideas of value. Then whatever you do is true giving. Danya Prajnaparamita. And, you know, this was interesting for me to kind of just, stumble through as Shuso, letting go of this kind of self-centered ideas of value of what would be good to say, how to show up, so on and so forth. And as a practitioner, I think that that is kind of makes Danya Prajnaparamita aspirational. And so the second entry of my Shuso log would be talk about surrender and surrendering.

[18:43]

And going back to kind of my earlier years, I would say once I realized at some point that the path of Shuso or being Shuso might be in my practice path, as I said, I used to think, well, by then I will have read vast amounts of Dogen, definitely memorized the sutras, mastered basic tenets. And of course, during the Shuso practice period, there'd be lots of more spacious time to study and take the backward step for my regular schedule, roles and responsibilities. And that quickly, yeah, became not true. I quickly had to surrender to how my life is showing up now. And that life is, I'm a father of a five-year-old. I tried to do a good job husbanding, although I'm the director of diversity, inclusion, and belonging here at Zen Center.

[19:54]

I serve on board and am on various committees. Leading up to this practice period, I had a mom that did pass away in transition in July. And in the midst of this practice period. Sorry to keep on with this, belabor the point, but the reason why we are online right now is because my wife is in quarantine, recovering from COVID. Maya and I did not get COVID, but Maya, however, has some other vicious respiratory thing where she has mucus coming out of her eyes, unfortunately, and could join us at any moment. I hear her coughing. Anyways, my ego and expectations certainly have had to surrender, mostly to accepting my limitations and my limitless amount of mistakes that I make.

[20:55]

But really, this is true for all of us, right? Or I don't want to presume, but at least it was true for me when I came to practice. You know, I thought, I'm going to go practice, work things out, I'm going to go be zen. But sooner or later, wow. you get met and practice. If we're lucky, it'll help us see ourselves a little bit clearer. And hopefully sooner or later, we're lucky enough to realize that the best option is to practice with these limitations and not try to sidestep them. And it's interesting because as we do, our perspectives start to change as we pay attention to our lives in this way. So again, I may be in the role of Shusou, but I think that these are all things that come up for most of us when we engage students in practice. So Shusou log entry number three, I wanted to talk a little bit about the entrance ceremony.

[21:59]

And so the entrance ceremony, it happens one morning after Zazen, and we all rise from our seat and the Shusou is let in. greeted by senior staff, and then there's an exchange between the Shuso and the abbot, basically giving, and it's a scripted conversation where the abbot asks the Shuso to join them in carrying on the practice of the temple, and the Shuso says no. I'm not ready. And I've always watched this and thought, oh, it's kind of dramatic. The first time I saw it was with Zenju, Earth and Manual, for those of you who know her. And I thought it was real. I'm like, no, Zenju, you have to stay. Anyways, I digress. When I was doing this exchange, I knew that it was not real. And I had rehearsed it the day before. But in that moment, I was really expressing. I mean, it was a full body.

[23:02]

uh enactment I felt I am not ready um uh you know my practice is not ready uh and you know really this this is an invitation to stop and sit in the midst of our life um and and it's funny because I kept on you know telling myself uh I'm not ready to meet others I'm not ready to meet things as they is um and the truth is like honestly I'm not ready but if you remember my koan that was going through my head in the Tasahara practice period that I spoke about. It's really close to me. Everything I'm not makes me everything that I am. So, hmm, it's a predicament, huh? So when you're not ready to be a student, perhaps that might be the best time for you to become one. Shuso log entry number four, best practices. So I'm not going to probably get through... the end of these by tonight, but I'll make my journey into my typical day.

[24:05]

And, you know, it's obviously the same day that I was doing before Shisou to a degree. There's some variance, but again, the practice is amplified. So I hope that some of these practice tips, if you're not already engaging with them, you can take with you to practice. And the basis of Starting the day with this orientation. And I'm going to share my screen. There's a. There's a. A sign right outside. You know, I can't get out of a talk without using like some kind of props or something. There's a sign right by the Dencho, which is how the bell we call or hit to call people to Dharma talks. And it says body, speech and mind and perfect oneness. I send my heart along with the sound of the bell. May the hearers awaken from forgetfulness and transcend all anxiety and sorrow. So I've been training as Shoten for years and looking at that.

[25:10]

But really what has occurred to me, and this is very much true, especially in Japanese culture. But when you watch a practice person, whether it's an artist or a Tenzo, the setup of tools, the care for supplies, the setup for the actual project is just as important as the process. I'm looking at Kim here. I don't know if that's true with your art, but I got the bow. Yes, it is. And so how will we orient our heart minds to the day? This is... mean stuff. Um, so when I arrived at a city center, I was lucky enough, um, to, uh, cross paths for a few years with, uh, our venerable, uh, past abbot, uh, Milga and Steve Stuckey. And, uh, you know, even by seeing this picture, many of you who knew him, um, uh, probably are filled with a great amount of gratitude right now.

[26:10]

And, uh, He had a gratitude practice of starting his day in that way to really to set a tone. And I was inspired by Abbot Steve and give you a bow and stop the share. And so I made a practice of my own and not of my own. But anyways, and that is chanting the loving kindness meditation or the metta sutta twice in my head before going on to other thoughts. It's hard. I actually will start and stop or lose track of where I'm at or usually tired. But I feel that that gets my machine monkey mind kind of calibrated in the right direction. And of course, I have the wonderful five-year-old Dharma teacher, Maya, who so one-upped my practice. And OK, so anyways, got to share some more pictures here. So before I share the pictures,

[27:11]

She went to summer camp this past year or summer, and there was this cool way that they had of kind of starting the day. They get in a little circle and then they I don't know if you can hear because the sound, but it's just clapping back and forth. Yeah. And it goes. Hello, how are you? Hello, how are you? Hello, how are you? How are you today? And then they go around. the different, you know, friends in the class, and they'll go, you know, nice to see you, Cat Lee. Nice to see you, Kim Hart. Nice to see you, system admin. So basically, I'm just going through the screen. They will go around and name everybody out. And so this is what they do. And she would come home and, you know, recite this and say her friends' names. And we thought it was great. However, a couple of weeks ago, so this is way past summer, I'm sitting in the living room. And so here's a picture of Maya's room.

[28:13]

Just so you can kind of get the... Okay, now it's up, I think. The lay of the land. And I hear in the other room, it's nice to see you feathers. It's nice to see you monkey. It's nice to see you fairy bear. It's nice to see you cooking set. And she then... proceeds by walking out. And here's our hallway, a little tour of Casa de Brown-Stevenson. And you hear her, hello, hallway Buddha, hello, hallway plant, hello, whatever. And so she's just walking around greeting the day. Is that not like the most... Remarkable thing. Anyways, I just had to share that. That was just really, really touching. So after that, after I greet the day, I make my way over to our ancestors' altar.

[29:22]

And so this is the altar in our house. And, yeah, what you'll find there really are family members that have passed a well-being list. You know, Kat and I, all of our parents are up there, unfortunately. We have a picture of Mr. and Mrs. Suzuki, calligraphy that was done by Thich Nhat Hanh, of course, a Buddha, and several other precious objects that you can see. the stage with. Her and I are very much alike like that. And I might show some pictures later. We like to pack a lot of things in, as you may see, I do with the talks. But anyhow, while in this practice, the invite is to bow to everything throughout the day. But for me, it's very important to start my day with a physical expression of gratitude to all of the ancestors known and unknown.

[30:29]

So after that is finished, I hop on over to city center and do the wake up bell. And this is one of the traditional Shuso duties besides cleaning toilets and having tea with other students, but that's to wake up the community. every morning and run that bell. So that starts at five with me arriving to the Han, which some of you may have seen before. And it says, great is the matter of birth and death. Life is fleeting. Gone, gone. Awake, awake, each one. Don't waste this life. And so that's like really... That's where the day starts. And it's been remarkable to have to meet this again and again to start the day. One moment. I'm going to mute so I can reply to the little one.

[31:33]

And so now we will, let me finish what I was going to say with the wake up bell. But you do run and there's a series of crescendos and they take place at key parts in the temple. The last one returns back to the Han. And so I really feel like someone is ringing in a bell in my ear, trying to have me wake up to this very moment. So after that, we sit zazen. And this is the first kind of real step into creation. And I'll say more about that in a moment. Actually, we'll just go ahead and hop into some more Suzuki Roshi. Still in the same chapter, God-given. And so he says, when we sit in the cross-legged posture, we resume our fundamental activity of creation. There are perhaps three kinds of creation.

[32:54]

The first is to be aware of ourselves after we finish sazen. When we sit, we are nothing. We do not even realize what we are. We just sit. But when we stand up, we are there. That is the first step in creation. When you are there, everything else is there. Everything is created all at once. When we emerge from nothing, when everything emerges from nothing, We see it all as fresh new creation. This is non-attachment. And so that's been the feeling or a feeling that I tried to bring in my morning journey into the zendo. So when I arise after the robe chant, I'm at least trying to start off my day with an expression of open-heartedness and non-attachment. So, of course, from there, Suzuki Roshi says there's a second and third kind of creation. The second being when you act to produce or prepare or make something like food or tea.

[34:02]

In the morning, for me, that second creation is the creation of a clean toilet with my trustee, Benji Komio, who is... Thank you, Comeo, for enduring all that I am bringing forth. But we're, the Shuso and the Benji are permanently invited to clean the main toilets. And this tradition is seen as an honor to support the community in that way. And this has been a practice that, well, just a practice of soji more or less that I've taken with me anywhere I go, whether it's on vacation, or just a day off, at some point in that day, it's very important for me to make some small effort to help support the cleanliness and the upkeep of the environments or the shared environments that I'm in. And I guess provide more humor as I like to do.

[35:04]

This is what creation looked like about a day and a half ago before Maya got real. there. So that's a train ship. You can see all the various compartments. It has a steering wheel, a certified keyboard to guide and traject us on our navigations. And it's a three-seater. So mom, we're waiting for you to come home out of quarantine. And then just to round that out, Suzuki Roshi said the third kind is to create something within yourself, such as education, culture, or something of that means. And so that'll kind of tie me into Shuso log number five, just noticing the time. And that's speaking the Dharma or giving talks. Being Shuso, you get invited to give your first talks to hosts.

[36:09]

with other students to lead a small group. And while I've been on the assembly side, participated in the small groups and had teas, I've obviously never been on the leading end. And this process of sharing one's heart-mind has been a little bit tender for me, really due to having to put down the part of me that feels like I should be more of a Dharma academic and have all these... 22 koans memorized. And we're only doing 22 out of the 100. So theoretically, I had it light as it is. And part of the Shuso talking process is giving away Seeking Mind, which some of you were there for and offered kind attention. And it's really interesting because it's something that we're actually invited to do on a smaller scale in our more, let's say, junior years of practice.

[37:12]

And it was really interesting looking back on what I said in 2014 and comparing it to now. We were talking about this in the small group that I lead earlier. And one of the group members, Renee, was reflecting, who used to be a city center resident, on how much the story can change. And I really appreciate that turning and that process and what it's done to support me. It's kind of like studying the self to forget the self. And this process is like that. And what came up for us in the group is it would be really cool. You do a 40-minute version like I did as you so, but then a 20-minute version. But what would a 10-minute or a five-minute, two-minute, one-minute or one-sentence version be like? So maybe that's an exercise. that you want to pick up. And like I mentioned earlier, part of the process of being Shiso has been surrendering to these limitations.

[38:15]

My limitations of pointing to the moon and how that may work for some, may not work for others. It's like, again, we were talking in our small group about the wild ducks or the wild geese, however you want to refer to them. And is Dashi wrong for twisting his good friend Hakujo's nose? Or was that twist awakening? And we didn't come to a determination in our small group, but the suggestion was that we do our best to say something, whether that's an expression, silent, or in words. And with that said, like I said, my expressions can rather be complicated and condensed. And that became apparent when I was looking at some of the other things from my daughter here. So I wanted to show two things, which are her pictures and her altar, which will give some reflection to our style.

[39:19]

And her mom and I had to take this away from her before she added more and more. But as you can see with that and her altar, we both have a tendency to add a lot of precious things into a pitcher, a container, or even a Dharma talk. So with that, I think I will go ahead and close out, you know, as Suzuki Roshi was requesting not to forget about these three aspects of creation, not to forget about the universe. not to just be focused in the second and third creations. And yeah, with that, I don't have much of a closing. So I asked Kat to give me a poem that she thought was fitting when I told her some of the things that I was talking about. And of course, she met me. So I'll close with this poem by David White called Start Close In.

[40:23]

Start close in. Don't take the second step or the third. Start with the first thing, close in. The step you don't want to take. Start with the ground you know. The pale ground beneath your feet. Your own way of starting the conversation. Start with your own question. Give up on other people's questions. Don't let them smother something simple. To find another's voice, follow your own voice. Wait until that voice becomes a private ear listening to another. Start right now. Take a small step you can call your own. Don't follow someone else's heroics. Be humble and focused. Start close in. Don't mistake that for your own, that other for your own. Start close in. Don't take the second step. Or the third, start with the first thing, close in, the step you don't want to take.

[41:29]

And unsurpass, penetrating, imperfect. Hello? Am I audible still? Oh, I am. Okay. Beings are numberless. I vow to save them. Delusions are inexhaustible. I vow in them. Dharma gates are boundless. I vow to enter them. Buddha's way is unsurpassable. I vow to be coming. See what happens when the sangha is not there to chant with you. All things go awry. So I think I have like five minutes. If anyone has any questions, comments. I see Kim.

[42:54]

I don't know if you can unmute her, Shinda. I don't know whose hand is raised, but it's coming from the Dharma glow. Hello, Eli. It's actually me because Kim is cuddling cats at the moment. Thank you very much. That was a wonderful talk, and I wish we could all read your Shuso log from start to finish. Thank you also for invoking Steve Stuckey. And I had the... amazing good fortune to be Shuso with Steve at Tassajara. And if you don't have enough practices already, I could just say that as part of the morning tea that the Shusoni abbot took after I rung the wake-up bell, we would do Samanta Bhadra's 10 vows. I can't remember them all off the top of my head, but we'd do a prostration with each vow as well. So that was how we started to do it. Thank you for sharing that. And I think some folks could not hear maybe in the dining room.

[43:55]

Shindo was just expressing how he was able to do a Tassara practice period as she was so with Abbot Steve. And that they did a, I think it was a Samanta Bajra practice of bowing, was it? Shindo, is that what you said? And he couldn't recite all of them. He was leaving that up to me. But yeah, I just... Yeah, sorry, I'll throw that ball back to you and you can fill it in next time you're up here. Tell us about the bowing practice because it does sound right at my alley, full body expression. Thank you, Shinda. Terry, please, you have the last question. I feel like, thank you so much, Eli, for your talk. Let's see. Yeah, there you are. Thank you. I feel like I learned some. It was interesting. I learned about how the, you know, the day of, you know, a monk unfolds.

[45:03]

It was, I have a better idea of it now. And I sort of envy you having to just show up. I live a very unstructured, self-motivated life. And I wonder if you can, and I have trouble just showing up for it because there is no structure. So I wonder if you have any advice for someone who doesn't have any structure supplied by any... custom or other people to show up for? Thank you, Terry. And that's a great question. I wish I could unmute and let the world respond because I feel like you had did a kind of an answer that would meet you perfectly. In part, what I heard is something around expectations.

[46:06]

And I know for me that whenever expectations are arising, that's... going to be a sticking point. And what I've experienced in this Shuso practice period is, not to say that I feel like you do, but my life is very chaotic compared to maybe some of the other residents. I don't know if there's a few other residents that are parents. But anyways, what I'm trying to get at is even in your circumstance, practice can fully occur. You don't need to be in a monastery. I would, you know, maybe start with a couple things you could do to create a schedule or to create a practice container for yourself. So, you know, those are two little points. But, you know, I think that, yeah, lowering maybe the expectations or welcoming your practice as it's showing up.

[47:07]

I think is the first step. Thank you so much, Eli. Thank you for the question, Terry. And it is 830. And since I am also acting Eno tonight, I will invite everyone to go ahead and unmute if you can. I don't know if that's a, if you're able to, maybe I need to do something. Okay. Maybe you can't unmute. I am a... Thank you, Eli. Oh, wonderful. Thank you, Eli. Thank you, Eli. Thank you so much. Very nice. Have a wonderful evening. Very joyful. Thank you. Have a good night. Thank you. Thank you for the power. Thank you. Bye-bye. Thank you. Bye-bye. Thank you.

[48:04]

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