Thank you all for coming here tonight. Thank you for creating this opportunity for me. I'm very grateful to be here, I think. No, I am. I'm very grateful to be here. And I am grateful to all of you for giving me this opportunity. I'm a little nervous. This is my first Dharma talk. And we all know it's not so easy to talk about the Dharma. And those of us that have been reading the Bendawa know that it's very difficult to understand. And as Kadigiri Roshi says in his book,

[01:01]

You got to say something. You have to try and say something. So sometimes I think it's like walking around a vast circle and trying to suggest something endless is in there. But even that doesn't really do it because we're in it. I think that's what I want to talk about tonight is that this is a gift. Right here, right now, this is a gift. It's a huge, enormous, inconceivable, unfathomable gift.

[02:03]

And I want to talk about not missing that gift. How do we not miss the gift? How do we come to realize that? How do we realize that our life is a gift, that this whole endless creation is a gift? enter that unfathomable realization. I think that's what Dogen's talking about in the Bendo Wah and when Blanche, in Blanche's lecture about it, she mentioned that she called it Dogen's love song, Desazen. And I really, I like that because I think that he's talking about sitting upright

[03:11]

in samadhi. And his discovery of that experience, the experience of Zazen, was like a great gift that he discovered. And he, at, what was it, 27 years old? Is that how old he was? So he discovered it sooner. So he was 27 when he figured out a way to talk about it. And he got so excited he just thought he really had to share it with everybody. And I'm glad he did. Because I think to sit and to make that effort in Zazen is something that takes... I think that is a wholehearted practice to show up.

[04:13]

To completely show up when you sit down. And maybe really sit up. Show up and sit up. And wake up. It takes some intention to be present in this moment. some wholehearted commitment to show up no matter what. Because often when we sit down, things arise in us, feelings, memories, aching necks, shoulders. And we want to get away from some of those experiences.

[05:16]

We have an idea about some other experience we want to have. And this kind of showing up, this kind of commitment is about that willingness to be abiding no matter what. To be that open-hearted to yourself. to be a big, open-hearted, compassionate witness of your own experience, first and foremost. So there's something about studying the self. To know the self is to forget the self. Forget the self is to be... actualized by myriad things. I think that's a quote.

[06:21]

So the first step is we have to study ourselves. And that means we have to enter into an inquiry. We have to be interested, curious. Who is this sitting here? Who am I? I was in psychotherapy at one point and I was going through this kind of thing of who I am and what's my identity. And at that time it was sort of like, well, who am I if I'm not a social worker and if I'm not a volleyball player and if I'm not Bob Mummy's girlfriend? If I'm not a surfer, who is it?

[07:26]

Who would I be? And I got to a place where I just felt like it was sort of like I was a teapot, and little strips of the teapot, like strips of metal are coming off. Okay, I'm not that, and that's not me. I mean, if I'm not that, then what's left? And I got to this thing. It was like steam. I was like, oh, my God, it's like Marsha ions are going to go flying. And I was just, I was terrified. I thought I'd disappeared. And it was about midnight, I remember calling up my therapist. Now, this is what was totally bizarre, was I called up my therapist thinking that since she was sort of in on this process with me, if she heard my voice, then I existed. But it was, I mean, if you look at it logically, it's sort of absurd. But I did call her and she did hear my voice. And I just, and I remember saying with tears, you know, well, I don't know whose side I'm on.

[08:32]

And she said, maybe you have your own side. And that was absolutely stunning to me. It hadn't occurred to me that I actually had my own position. That I had... that there was something that could arise out of the center of me. And that began a 30 year inquiry into something deeper. Something more than the myriad identities that I can make up. I had learned or was taught to be because we're all conditioned. And even before we can talk, we're already conditioned.

[09:33]

And we already have habits in our mind before we even know what they are. And the family we grow up in, the culture we grow up in, the class, neighborhood all those things condition us before we even know what's happening we're already programmed and to realize what that program is and then to interrupt it so that we all those preconceptions that we've been given we can begin to interrupt and actually consciously drop is a daunting practice. It's an endless practice and it's the best gift going as far as I'm concerned to be able to interrupt that kind of automaticity and enter into beginning to appreciate the gift that's right here.

[10:51]

on each breath all the time waiting for us. Waiting for us to enter the vast stillness that's always here and all we have to do is calm down enough enough. That's all. But actually I don't know that there's anything else to do. What else is there to do? I didn't know what I was going to say tonight. I mean I have these notes here and all this stuff but I realized too that what's coming out of my mouth is

[11:56]

Because you're here. Because you're here and you're here. Because each of you is here. And if each one of you weren't here right now, I wouldn't be saying this. I might be saying something else, but I wouldn't be saying this. I just find that amazing. We're co-creating this moment together. You're giving me an enormous gift right now by just appearing to listen. So I want to talk a little bit more about showing up for yourself. abiding with yourself.

[13:04]

Because one way I've thought about it for myself, and some of you were here for my last talk, and I talked about having a kind of critical mother. And so one of the things that I did to try and interrupt that internalized dialogue that I had inherited was to think about a perfect mother. And what would that be like if there was somebody that was abiding with me, having compassion, really understanding me and holding me and appreciating me just the way I am and seeing me as a gift and being glad that I was here.

[14:16]

And so I started to replace The critical voices that I had learned and was telling myself every day, every time I would hear myself make a critical statement or call myself some name, I would stop and I would come up with an alternative phrase that was a little more respectful, a little more encouraging. and a little more supportive without being inflating. And I started to, it changed my focus so that I could actually begin to enjoy or look at what I could appreciate. And I noticed that because I had a program of looking for what was wrong and what was missing and what wasn't, that that's what I was finding because that's what I was trained to watch out for.

[15:30]

You know, watch out, Marsha. What did you leave out? What did you do wrong? So that's what I was always looking for. So I became very adept and very expert about what was wrong and what was missing. And I began to realize that if I started working with... Seeing what was, what was useful, what was good. I started seeing more matches. And I saw that the lens that I looked through has a whole lot to do with what I see. And I began to see that my preferences were skewing my view. of what was in front of me that I sort of shifted over that I was looking for what I wanted. And so then that was another kind of delusion because being attached to what I wanted or being attached to what I didn't want, both of those sent me into a preconceived world.

[16:49]

that I was putting on top of whatever was in front of me. So I was talking to Michael the other night about the whole issue of preferences and he said what's really freeing is when you stop thinking about them and just get into that inquiry of just being interested in seeing what's actually already here. What's already in front of us without adding anything? Not so easy. Not so easy. But you have to take the first step. And Martin Luther King says, take the first step. You don't have to see the whole staircase to take the first step.

[17:51]

And so the first step is to just sit down. That was another story. I want to tell you another story. The first time I sat to Zaza and I had this big experience and I had talked about that before and I got really, I thought, whoa, this is, I had, it was like a grease slide to the existential pit. I thought, this is really, they do this every day here? Jeez, you know. So and I went and sat the next day ready for, you know, my big trip to existential, you know, endlessness or something. And I fell asleep. This is very disappointing. So I got I got kind of interested in this thing. And so then I want you to know I spent a fair I spent some years sitting down. waiting for that thing to happen again. I was looking for it.

[18:53]

And so that was the problem. When you're looking for something that you're in the middle of, it's really hard to see it. When you're looking for something that you think is other than you, is something else, You're going to be in trouble. So it wasn't until I went through a whole period of sitting sishins and I would make these kind of architectural structures of zafus and cushions trying to find a way not to hurt so much. And I remember at Gringo, it was the first Sashin I sat. I think people must have really gotten a big kick out of it. Because I had, I mean, every period I had another configuration of Zafus in some other way that I thought, now this is going to work this time.

[20:03]

And no, it didn't work at all. And so I finally, being of the spoon group, not only not the sharpest knife in the drawer, definitely a spoon. Thank you. I finally realized I was just going to have to sit through it. Just going to have to sit through it. And I think that... that was the big commitment is, can I sit through my own experience of myself, my own, as we say in Yiddish Mishigas, my karmic kaka, that hand that was dealt to me and just for me, nobody else, and nobody was going to sit it for me.

[21:10]

So I think I felt I just couldn't believe how much pain it was possible for a human being to feel. I just couldn't. I mean, I knew I wasn't hurting myself. I wasn't damaging my knees or anything. I was just, my back was cramped and it was like white pain. I thought, this is. And then, of course, you think, what am I doing? This is like ridiculous. What am I, I'm sitting here. I'm in agony. And why am I not getting up? Because. Everyone will see me get up. And then they'll know that I chickened out. And there was a woman there named Evelyn Lentz who was a very troubled person. She was a little crazy, and she was amazing.

[22:11]

She was sitting there like a stone. And there's Evelyn Lentz, who's, you know, and I'm going to, damn it, if that woman was going to sit this thing, then I'm, that was, she was, she got me through that sashim. She was absolutely an inspiration for me, because, so I sat through it, and, um, And that was the day I realized it wasn't just my pain. I just felt pain. It wasn't my pain, it was pain. It was all the pain that ever was and ever will be. And I realized that my pain, your pain, yesterday's pain, tomorrow's pain, it's all one giant pain. also true about everything else.

[23:18]

It's a gift and it's one giant package. It's all connected. You can't, there's no component parts. You can't just pick the good parts. You can't just pick your favorite feeling. If you want to be fully alive, if you want the full monty, and you want to realize the whole gift, you can't be picky. It's feel it all or not. Anytime you try to stop yourself from that or you get picky about it, it's like a little death. It mutes everything. So you have to welcome everything, everything, and you start with yourself. And then you realize, just like you realize it's not just your pain, then you realize you have to welcome everybody.

[24:32]

Because it's not just you. It's all of us. We all have, we're all going to do it together. All of us does it, it helps all of us. So that's one thing I think. Okay, so now here's my inspirational poem. This is by the Dalai Lama. I love this. The Dalai Lama says, never give up. No matter what is going on, never give up. Develop the heart. Then he goes, too much energy in your country is spent developing the mind instead of the heart. Develop the heart. Be compassionate. Not just to your friends, but to everyone.

[25:37]

Be compassionate. Work for peace in your heart and in the world. Work for peace, and I say again, never give up. No matter what is happening, no matter what is going on around you, never give up. Whoops. Thank you. Best Benji in the world. I'm telling you, there's an abiding soul right here. So the other thing that resonated for me when I was thinking about how can I possibly say anything was a poem by Hafiz saying, I have learned so much. And he says, I've learned so much from God. But don't get upset about the word God. People get upset about the word God.

[26:40]

You could say, I've learned so much from Zazen. Just think that. I've learned so much from God that I can no longer call myself a Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Buddhist, a Jew. The truth has shared so much of itself with me that I can no longer call myself a man, a woman, an angel, or even pure soul. Love has befriended Hafiz so completely It has turned to ash and freed me of every concept and image my mind has ever known. It has turned to ash. Love has turned. It's befriended Hafiz so completely. It's turned to ash and freed me of every concept and image my mind has ever known.

[27:45]

So, what time is it? Oh my goodness. What else can I say to you? There's another little story I wanted to tell you. If you can hang in there for a few more minutes. I had this, it was a training, a psych class, and I wish I could remember the professor's name because it was so wonderful. About three weeks into the class, he gave us all a letter. It was the same letter. And you open up the letter and it says,

[28:51]

You wrote this letter and you programmed your life and you programmed your life so that you would receive this letter at this time and that you would be told that you have created, you've programmed the life before you were born, that you would be born into these causes and conditions and these situations and everything that has happened to you until this moment was created by you to teach you something. It was a teaching that you gave to yourself. So now the assignment was, write down what you taught yourself. What did you teach yourself? And of course, you know, I definitely didn't pick Esther. I didn't pick Sam. And at the same time, when I thought about, this is really interesting, I'm adopted.

[30:02]

And so I picked these people. And these are the ones I picked to adopt me. And why would I do such a thing? And I really began to see that I could actually make a case for how that was a teaching for me. And it was a very useful way of thinking about my life. It got me out from under it. It got me, instead of being at the effect end of my life, I had to wrap my mind around being at the cause end. And that I wasn't the victim, I was the creator. And it made me look at my life and I had to see my mother as a teacher, somebody teaching me something about misery, about being trapped in one point of view and what it creates.

[31:17]

It was a great teaching. It was an irrefutable, unmistakable teaching. And speaking about being a spoon, I mean, I had it. It was so obvious. I gave myself the best teacher because I couldn't miss it. I mean, my parents were exactly how they were. They weren't subtle. It wasn't subtle. It was just right up my alley. I could get it. I could get it. And not only could I get it, but I had... friends and relatives who also got it. So in case I missed it, they would notice to me, did you notice how badly your mother speaks to you? So it was, I got help. I had remedial help. So it's just something to pass on as a different way to kind of look at what's keeping you from seeing the gift.

[32:19]

What's keeping you from realizing how lucky you are that you're even sitting in this room, that you have this opportunity to step out of that story, out of that conditioning, and you have the opportunity, you actually have a chance to think not thinking. It's so unlikely. I mean, when you think about it, each one of us, isn't it unlikely that we're all sitting here? I mean, really. It's so unlikely. It's so unlikely that we even exist. If you think about the size of the universe, I have a picture in my office. It's a picture of the sky from the Hubble Space Telescope, the deepest space, and the

[33:26]

The picture represents this much of the sky, and the picture's like four feet by four feet, and it has all these little disks spinning in it, and it's got thousands of disks in it, and every disk is a galaxy. Now, our galaxy has something like the Milky Way, has about, I think, 30 million solar systems. Thousands of those things. And it's just this little, you know, every direction. I mean, it's really unlikely.

[34:28]

We could all be in this room together at this time, in this place, and have the chance to say thank you. It's so awesome. It's so awesome. Thank you. Thank you.

[35:00]

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