This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Hello, everyone. It's my honor to be invited to give a talk this morning. And first of all, I would want to express my gratitude to the Abbot of San Francisco Center to allow me to be here. And I also want to thank your Reverend Tim Wicks and also Hiroki who has suggested me to have this talk. My thanks as well to all of the practitioners here Thank you so much for having me here. The topic of the Dharma talk this morning is living in harmony with differences.

[01:10]

Difference in the practice of taking refuge in the three jewels, the Buddha, the Dhamma and the Sangha, we understand that the Sangha jewel is not simply a group of people. It is the presence of harmony and purity of the community that practices together. A true Sangha is a refuge because it is the ability to live in harmony with differences. to support one another, and to cultivate collective understanding. And as you all know, maintaining harmony in any community, whether a monastery, a family, a company, a group of friends, is not easy.

[02:16]

Why? Because we are all different. You have your own background, me, mine. So we have different temperaments, opinions, habits, educations, and ways of seeing the world, our perspective, totally different. And these differences can easily become source of misunderstanding or tension, or sometimes conflicts too. So learning to live in harmony with differences is essential if we wanted to be a peaceful sangha, a peaceful family, peaceful society, and rather peaceful world. Today,

[03:18]

we will together explore how this is possible. I also would want to share with you my experience in our own sangha, in our own monastery too. Not by forcing others to be like us, but rather by transforming the way we see and respond. First, we would want to recognize that differences are natural. Natural, not personal. When someone behaves differently from us, we often react as if they are doing something to us. But no, in reality, each person has their own background, countless causes and conditions.

[04:19]

family, society, education. And so when we remember that each being is a river of flowing, of conditions, a river of conditions flowing for decades, then we stop taking things personally. And then that way it reduces our suffer. And from that, we learn to reconcile. For example, two persons, one early riser and one night out. And they share a room in a retreat. One wakes up at about, at what time you wake up here? and here for example one wake up at 4 or 4.30 and ready to start the day and another sleep late at night and then of course needs quiet in the early morning so instead of judging each other the early riser might

[05:50]

quietly step outside to stretch or meditate, and the other one, the night owl, try arrange to go back a little bit earlier than usual in the retreat. And with that way, by adjusting just a little bit, a small act of consideration, they might still keep the harmony between them, at least in such a short time of the retreat. How to do that? How to reconcile when we are different? I think at first we would learn to let go of the expectation, you should be like me.

[06:53]

That expectation annoys us first. So, letting go of that expression. And we also understand that that expectation is the root of many conflicts when we live together. We suffer because we are holding... a solid, invisible rule book. People should act this way. People should talk that way. People should react this way. But our rule book is only from, my rule book is only from my experience, not universal truth. But still, we always expect that people will be the same with me. So when things don't follow our rule book, we call it wrong.

[07:55]

But often it's just different. So now we would reflect it to ourselves. Is this truly wrong or just not my preferred way? With that way, when somebody goes against our habit, Recognize it and then try to smile instead of react or feel bad. In a family, if some people need this violence to feel calm and another love to talk and share, do you think they can live in harmony? So if they are practitioners, and when they are in love with quarreling or judging, they might find a solution.

[09:04]

Instead of pushing each other, they agree on quiet times and sharing times. For example, they They may share things at the meals. Dinner time, that is the share times. And after dinner, quiet times. And so both are well kept. So mutual understanding transforms tension into connection. And we need mutual understanding. To have mutual understanding, we would practice deep listening. Of course, all of you know we should have a deep listening, but the should is not always easy. Understanding before judging.

[10:04]

We are so quick at judging people. And so perhaps it would be better to just pause Just in one breath. And then listen. Listen. Usually I ask my assistant, she is here, please listen to me before replying. Is it true? She is so smart and so quick. And then before I finish my sentence, she will try to help me by saying something before I finish my sentence. And then I ask, I advise her to please listen. And deep listening, it means listen not only with our ears, but with our heart and with our clear mind.

[11:15]

It seems simple, but no. Because our mind is always busy, busy. And we have a kind of rule book already, our plan already. And so when we listen to the other, not with clear mind. So deep listening, settle a little bit. And clear mind to receive the message is delivered. And then only with clear mind and the quiet inside, we can really have a deep listening to understand what that person is talking to us. To me, it is kind of practice. Do you usually experience some behavior that hurts you?

[12:25]

For example, you are still so nice, so kind, but that person behaves you strangely. And then, how about that? So we we need to look beneath the behavior. On the surface, people express anger, stubbornness, or judgment. But deep down beneath the behavior, I think usually just the same human needs. Safety, love, belonging, respect, ease. So to keep the harmonies in our community, we will practice look beneath the behavior. It is not easy. I am too very quick for reacting.

[13:32]

And we are easy to be heard when people's behaviors behave not really good to us. For example, A controlling person is often afraid of chaos and uncertainty. A talkative person may be lonely. A person with strong opinions may feel insecure inside. And so when we have that understanding, we might have an empathy, And then seeing the need behind the behavior transforms irritation into tenderness. And now, would you please tell me how if both people, both sides think I'm right, they don't want to yield.

[14:39]

Would you please share with me your experience when both people think I'm right? I would want things go this way. I don't want to step back. I still keep my habit. Would you please share with me your experience? Have you ever been in that situation? have you ever shared a room with that roommate? Yes, please. Yeah, I shared a room with one roommate. Hello. Hello. Yeah, so I once shared a room with a roommate, and we both felt that we were right, and then we started talking, and then we talked and talked, and then... After a lot of talking, discussion, maybe conflict, we realize that we see the world fundamentally differently.

[15:48]

Like, by default, is a human being a loving, love-deserving, utility and luxury deserving, or is a human being by default something that... needs to work their way up for it, and even for love, respect things like those. So that was what I realized with that. But it required a lot of conversation and conflict that we fundamentally see the identity of a human being differently. Thank you, Father Sherry. Any other experience to share with us? Yes, please, sir. I have a problem with her beliefs and I was talking with her about it and I felt that I'm right and she feels that she's right.

[17:00]

And she mentioned that there's a lot of love between us. She's my cousin. We share what... And mostly what we share, which is a lot bigger than our differences, is the love. And I realized that even though I was certain that I was right and that she was wrong, I was judging her judging. And what she brought up was that there was love between us and that we could just focus on that. made me realize that the right and wrong in the judging was a choice. Thank you. Thank you for the sharing. Right and wrong is just a choice. Thank you for the sharing. Yes, please, sir.

[18:04]

Good morning. I have been living for many years with a partner, a wife, and she is Vietnamese. She is here today. And I don't know if she will appreciate this sharing, but sometimes when a discussion comes up or a disagreement or a different view, and what I hear is, in Vietnam, we don't think of it that way. We don't do it that way. And my response is, well, we're not in Vietnam. Now, I'm wondering if you could have a response to us as how to, yes, I am asking how for resolution advice. This situation, I think, happened in almost all communities.

[19:16]

And also, I have to confront the same problem, the same issue at our monastery too. And sometimes, or many a times, I will feel upset. And I have to control my emotion too. Here, because both Or if we have four people, four people will say, I'm right. And so we need the wisdom of holding two truths at once. Two people can both be right from their own perspective, especially about the politics of society, something. We can convince that people to change that viewpoint. And so here, how many doesn't require sinness? A mature mind can hold two truths without collapsing into anger or defensiveness.

[20:28]

For example, we may say, your view is true for you. My view is true for me. And so, for example, about the politics or social issue, and instead of debating endlessly or expect that person to change their ways, to change their habit. So now we agreed to listen without trying to convert each other. Just listen. And then, second, we focus on shared values. We ignore that difference. And instead of that, we focus on shared values.

[21:29]

Care, fairness, community, and we enjoy activities that nurture connection, walking, cooking, practicing meditation, and that different aspect, that different angle, ignore it. And if that person would want to discuss with you, I think we just listen without trying to convert that person. trying to convince, just listen. Because that person just needs you to listen. I don't think they need you to agree. You can not agree, but just listen. And share the other values. And the lesson here is We don't need the same ideas to love each other.

[22:32]

This is easy to talk, to understand, but of course not easy to practice. So how to practice this? I think we need to practice ourselves to need to create the inner calm inner calm will create outer harmony when the mind is agitated even a small difference can indicate us but when the mind is peaceful settled balanced and even big difference differences become workable. So the foundation is our own practice.

[23:37]

Practice be mindful or back to our breathing or pausing before reacting or recognizing emotions as emotions, not the ego. just a passing emotion, just a conditioned emotion, come and go. Or if you feel so tightened in the chest, upset totally inside, perhaps we would need to get out of that situation and have a walking meditation to settle the energy. or find some water to drink, have some sips. And when you are anchored inside, other people's grave no longer shake you.

[24:43]

So the key thing is settled inside. But usually, we... cannot control ourselves in the situation. To my experience, when I'm busy, when I don't feel good, it is easy to react. And to avoid the conflicts or the arguing, of the bad behavior with my sisters at the monastery. I have to taking care myself first, my status first, before things happen. It means that I have to keep my own practice rather constantly.

[25:52]

Before the storm, So with that way, differences are a gift. Not only bring conflicts to ourselves, but also when we change our angle of our perspective, we might find that they are a gift. A careful people keeps us safe. A serious person brings depth. An enthusiastic person energizes the group. So just like in the garden, there are many kinds of flowers If we skillfully arrange things, then that will give the richness, the beauty for the whole garden.

[27:01]

But if we do not know how to harmonize them, the garden can become messy and flowers may clash with one another. Another important thing is we should not attach to our views. Learn to practice to have a clear mind, open enough to understand and accept a different idea. not attached to our view so much. We might ask ourselves, are you sure about it? So just ponder, have second think about it, and then we might avoid some conflicts, unnecessary conflict.

[28:13]

When we practice well, and we usually reflect to ourselves, we will find that everyone, our teachers, each situation is a teacher who teaches us something. Every person who irritates us reveals something inside us. So instead of fighting the person, we can learn from the reaction. We might reflect to ourselves, what is this person teaching me right now? And this turns daily life into into Dharma practice.

[29:28]

Instead of react, we will find that these conflicts reveal something inside us. The impatience, the pride, the fear, the attack to being right, some old wounds. So those things happening are a kind of mirror for us to look and recognize what is inside. And then that turns daily life into Dhamma practice. A story I like, a monk, one asked his teacher, why do some people bother me so much in this monastery, for example, in my monastery? And the teacher replied, can you guess the reply of the teacher? Why do some people bother me so much?

[30:34]

And the teacher and the master replied, because they touch the parts of you that are still untrained. And the monk bound and understood. And from then on, each difficult person became a mirror. So I have only five minutes to conclude the talk. Living in harmony with differences is not about changing others. Always I, we expect the others to change, to adjust themselves, to fit me. But no. It is about transforming the way we see. So how many differences arises when we cultivate understanding instead of judgment?

[31:54]

Acceptance instead of resistance. A deep listening instead of reacting. In the calm instead of outer control. I have some responsibility in my monastery. And then usually... I have the tendency to control the others, to arrange things in my way, and so now inner calm instead of outer control. Compassion instead of expectation, or practice non-attachment or healthy boundaries. So then living in harmony, living with differences become not a burden, But a path of awakening.

[32:55]

A path of awakening. We will realize something inside. Conflicts will give us an opportunity to understand myself. To understand what is deep down here. What is untrained here. So instead of blaming the others, I will give a gesture and say thank you, teacher. And with that way, differences become less conflicts and more of a path. So in summary, there are three things to remember to me. they share my experience, three things to remember. First, yield to one another, like two people dancing a tango.

[34:03]

Second, for differences that cannot be reconciled, simply let them go and enjoy the areas where you share common ground. And third, do not demand perfection in relationship. The more you demand and request perfection, the more you suffer. And with this attitude, living together in a Sangha, in a family, in a group of friends, becomes a joy and rather a practice. bringing benefit to everyone. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive.

[35:08]

Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dormon.

[35:22]

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