One of the great luminaries in our history, Zen history, is Master Ma. His name means a horse, a horse master. And he was the stuff of legend. They said he trampled over all foolish opponents of dharma like a horse and he strode up and down like a tiger and scowled like a great lion and he had a big long tongue he would scratch his nose with his tongue.

[01:16]

Scratch his nose. Not your average guy. He used to always teach when someone asked, what is Buddha? He would say, this very mind is Buddha. And the Zen teachers of old, when they got a good thing going, they would continue. So he always would say, this very mind is Buddha. And I think that sounds good, doesn't it? Don't you kind of like that, you know, this very mind is Buddha? Makes you feel good to hear that. And somehow we feel it's true, you know, and right that it's so.

[02:35]

But what does that actually mean? And if this very mind is Buddha, How come we're so confused? How come we're miserable so often? And how come the world is such a mess if this very mind is Buddha? So it bears going into a little bit, I think. So one of the first ways that Shakyamuni Buddha spoke to us about this very mind as Buddha was to bring up the Four Noble Truths. And I know that in this sophisticated assembly, everyone knows all about the Four Noble Truths.

[03:46]

But it's good to repeat them, just like Master Ma, you know, get a good thing going. We'll go over it again. I've always thought that Buddha was a very wonderful expression. The four noble truths. I always liked that they were called the noble truths. Because I think they are truths that will ennoble us. and show us the way to an authentic and a dignified human existence. Like great trees that you see standing in a stately way. The wind comes and they may sway a little bit, but they stand their ground.

[04:55]

They don't get tossed around and busted up too much. No matter how strong the wind is, they still stand tall and they endure what happens to them with a great patience, never moving. So I think it's nice that he speaks of the Four Noble Truths. So to help us appreciate what Master Ma means when he says, this very mind is Buddha, let's talk a little bit about the Four Noble Truths. truth is the truth of discomfort or dissatisfaction this truth says that no matter what is going on dissatisfaction or discomfort is unavoidable and pervasive sometimes we notice the dissatisfaction

[05:58]

we don't get what we want or when we are forced to receive something that we really don't want or when our body is in pain or when we are psychologically or emotionally overcome at these times the pervasive nature of dissatisfaction is really apparent although we might avoid noticing it by blaming someone for our problems or even by blaming ourselves These are ways of avoiding noticing the pervasive nature of dissatisfaction, which is a rather drastic thing to notice. Other times, we don't even notice that this is so. We may even feel that we're very happy and very satisfied, that we're having a wonderful time. but actually if we stop and look right in the middle of our wonderful time we will probably notice a subtle dissatisfaction because we know viscerally that the wonderful time that we're having is highly temporary and that what will happen next is unknown

[07:27]

So in this case, we don't notice the pervasive nature of dissatisfaction, and it can pile up behind us while we're not looking. But either way, whether we notice it or not, there is some difficulty. Life is definitely not perfect. Maybe that's another way of saying the first noble truth. Life is definitely not perfect. The second noble truth is about the cause of this non-perfection or dissatisfaction in life. And the cause is desire. Because we naturally want something more all the time, we are grossly or subtly dissatisfied with what is there now. Even when our desires seem to be fulfilled, this of course doesn't last very long and no sooner is one desire fulfilled than another one crops up.

[08:37]

So this desire that seems to arise moment after moment is the cause of the pervasive dissatisfaction in human life. The third truth says that this dissatisfaction can actually be put to rest. We can have peace. That despite the pervasive nature of dissatisfaction, despite the fact that when we look at it very closely, there seems to be no end to it and no way to end it, actually it can be ended. And there actually can be real peace and lasting peace in our lives. This is the third noble truth. And the fourth noble truth sets forth the path that we need to walk in order to find an end to dissatisfaction, to find a lasting peacefulness. So these are Buddha's four noble truths.

[09:41]

Dissatisfaction, origination of dissatisfaction, stopping dissatisfaction, and the path to stopping dissatisfaction. So in all this, it is obvious that desire is pivotal. That desire cuts to the root of our human problem. So we have to learn how to practice with desire. We have to learn how to understand desire clearly. Now if we get from all of this the idea that what we need to do is eliminate desire, I think we will really be in a big mess. Because if we try to eliminate desire, which really isn't possible, we're going to do violence to ourselves.

[10:41]

We're going to make ourselves even more unhappy than before. Only now we'll add tremendous guilt to our problem. If we didn't already have it before, we'll have it even more now. Maybe we'll even go crazy or run around and make other people crazy, too. So it's pretty clear that the idea of eliminating desire is not the way to go. We have to figure out something more subtle here. We have to have an analysis that's more sophisticated. Once a number of years ago, in one of those unforgettable... moments that happen in a life once in a while I had a big insight into the nature of my own desires and I want to tell you about it although I'm not sure whether it will make any sense to you or not but let's try one day many years ago I realized

[12:04]

very clearly that every desire that arises is already satisfied. It's as simple as that. Every desire that arises is already satisfied. Even if you don't act on the desire, try to fulfill it, or do anything about it whatsoever, it is already satisfied. You need to be very present and very still and perhaps also very lucky in order to see this. But if you stop reacting automatically and thoughtlessly and habitually to desire and just remain clearly present with desire, you will actually see that desire comes up in all its fullness There it is, this wonderful desire.

[13:09]

You can enjoy it. Desire is bright and vivid. And then naturally, satisfied just as it is, just in the way that it is, without your doing a thing about it, it will gently pass away and take care of itself. Now, before I had that experience, I had always imagined that each desire that arose presented a problem or a question. How can you satisfy this desire or how can you get rid of it so that it doesn't seem to need to be satisfied? But on this particular day, many years ago, I saw suddenly and to my great surprise that the desire that arose in me so very powerfully was already satisfied just the way it was without my doing anything at all about it. That in fact, my making efforts to satisfy it or spending my time in misery because I imagined that it hadn't been satisfied, that these things were habits of my mind that made it seem

[14:27]

to me, as if the desire required satisfaction. Actually, it didn't require satisfaction. It was already complete. It was already very beautiful, just the way it was. Sexual desire, desire for food or sleep or fame, or justification. All these desires are very natural human desires. And they are beautiful desires. As beautiful as trees sprouting leaves in the spring. In fact, they are exactly like that. They are exactly like trees sprouting leaves in the spring. A force of nature. Nothing needs to be done with them.

[15:30]

Does that make sense? Yeah? No. Well, please take my word for it temporarily and see for yourself if it's true for you. And it isn't easy to see desire that way. And as I say, it's lucky if you can. But in order to put ourselves in the way of seeing such a thing, we need a path. This is why the Buddha gave us the fourth noble truth. We need some way of practicing, of approaching our life in order to work with desire in the way that I'm describing.

[16:39]

Because the mind is very quick and the mind is very slippery. And as soon as desire arises, immediately, immediately we feel we need to do something. We need something more. And then immediately we feel dissatisfied. And then immediately we're smashing and crashing around in our lives, making trouble. So we have to have a pretty stable mind. to just allow the desire to rise and pass away and not get tangled up in it, then desire can be okay. Shakyamuni Buddha said that the best way to stabilize our mind and make it sure and quick enough to work with desire is to practice awareness. Awareness of the breath and awareness of the body especially. this week at Green Gulch we have begun a 49-day period of practice and all of us are intensifying our practice a little bit it's a special chance for all of us to let go of everything and just practice this simple practice of awareness so we try to eliminate as much as possible all complexities in our life

[18:15]

schedule that regulates our life and we just keep to the schedule when the bell rings when we feel like it maybe we don't but regardless of our desire we come to the zendo because that's our commitment and we sit and we get up and we move through the rest of the day all day long as much as possible with awareness of the body and awareness of the breath throughout very simple tasks So I hope all of you someday will have a chance to join us for a 49-day retreat. We teach particular ways of walking, particular ways of standing and bowing. We have, especially during the first week, a confusing barrage of ceremonies. And one can be baffled a little bit by all the ceremonies.

[19:21]

But actually, it doesn't really matter what the ceremonies are about, you know. Every ceremony is just a chance to stand with awareness, walk with awareness, breathe with awareness. And little by little, the mind slows down and becomes more stable. And it becomes possible to study desire carefully. During the practice period we have a weekly Dharma talk, and this last week in the Dharma talk I spoke about how we are all conditioned to see ourselves in narrow and limited ways. You know, I am me and you are you. I have this history and tendency, you have this history and tendency. We have a really strong habit to see ourselves in this way. to be powerfully conditioned by our own history and emotional patterns from the past.

[20:31]

And this habit of seeing ourselves in a narrow way is very much connected to the trouble we have with desire. Because when a desire arises, immediately our narrow and limited self pops up and says to us, I think I need to have that thing. person or attitude or whatever because unless I have that I don't feel like I'm complete but if I did have it or him or her or them or whatever then everything would be much better so let's have it So he pops up or she pops up and tells us this, you know, in rapid fire speech, of course. So fast it goes by in a blur. Or sometimes it happens the opposite, where she pops up and says, we really need to get away from this place or this thing or this person, because this thing or person or place or attitude or state of mind is very threatening to my limited self, and so let's get out of here.

[21:51]

only we could get out of here or get rid of him or get rid of her or get rid of them or get rid of it, then things would be much better, wouldn't they? She says to us quickly, and of course we believe instantly that this is so, and there we are again. Because the very nature of this limited self is that it is not complete. It is not okay. It is not all right. It is not fine just the way it is. It needs something else to make it all right. Like it needs to study Buddhism. If only we studied Buddhism long enough, everything would be much better. If only we were enlightened, everything would be much better. If only we learn how to bake bread, or do yoga, or go running four times a week, or get on our bikes more, or lose 10 pounds, or get a PhD, then it would be all right.

[23:20]

because it needs something, you know, a little something to make it all right. Now, I know, I mean, your laughter makes me think that you know what I'm talking about, but usually, I mean, it's funny because I'm stating this so baldly, you know. Usually we don't say this to ourselves, right? more sophisticated ways of justifying or figuring out why we need to lose 10 pounds and so on. But in the end, I think it really comes down to this. We feel the limitation, the confinement of ourself as it is. So we always have to have something else to make it all right. Something, anything, other than just being present with what it is. and letting go of our resistance and desire.

[24:25]

And so because of this approach, a desire rolls on and on, snowballs, and the wind howls, and the trees smash against each other. Branches fall down. Leaves swirl in the air. Bark strips off. And eventually, the stage is littered with bodies. So we know about this, right? Now, once in a while, we may even get into highly obsessive. mental states coalescing around a desire. Such states can be fairly everyday, or they can be very dramatic.

[25:37]

Sometimes we call it a mental illness, which can be something that Some people have some of the time, or it can be something that all of us have some of the time. Something gets stuck in our mind or heart, and we simply cannot let go of it. It gives us tremendous pain, and yet the more pain it gives us, the more we hold on to it and can't let go. Usually this sort of thing happens because of something that already happened in the past. Things that we have said or done or that have been said or done to us produce in us a wound or an unrest and it won't settle and it comes up as obsessive desire. In this case, I think we have to begin by letting go as much as possible of any activity and just allowing what is restless in us to actually arise.

[26:50]

If we can't avoid doing things, then we try to do as little of them as we can and do them as simply as we can and not make more things to do, just be quiet, so that we would have a chance to be there with whatever it is that is arising. And then the next thing we have to do is difficult. We have to accept responsibility for it. Whatever it is that arises in our mind, in our heart, we have to accept responsibility for it. Even if it is actually someone else's fault, we have to make our heart big enough, finally. to accept responsibility for it because that way we have the possibility of practicing with it and we have the possibility of learning from it and going on more deeply in our lives.

[27:57]

Accepting responsibility for what happens to us is very difficult and sometimes very heartbreaking because To accept responsibility for what happens to us is to actually admit and accept that it has happened to us. As long as we blame someone or something for what happens to us, we're not really admitting that it happened. And if we're not really admitting what happened, we leave a space for desire to rage on. And yet if we do accept what happened to us, it may break our heart. And then we have to let our heart be broken. Just accept it and let our heart be broken.

[29:03]

Although I don't really know so much about it, I was impressed the other day or week, whenever it was, when I heard about the Million Man March on Washington. It was very surprising how this came into my mind. I never heard anything about it. And then all of a sudden, it was supposed to be happening in a day or two. And... We heard confused reports about what the purpose of it was or what the message of it was. And I haven't talked to anyone who was there. So I don't really know. But I did hear people speaking about it on the radio. And afterward, I read some things that people said.

[30:13]

that Bill means we should stop talking for a moment or just be aware of our breathing. Anyway, I have the impression that many of the people who were at that Million Man March found a great spiritual support and a great strength in accepting responsibility for what was happening to them and were tremendously inspired and empowered in doing that.

[31:38]

And it's particularly moving because I don't think it's really accurate to say that the problems of African-American men are the fault of African-American men. I think the problems are due to many, many causes and conditions, due to historical tragedy and human greed and stupidity and blindness that may have very little to do with what these men at that march have done in their lives or haven't done in their lives. And that even though what arises in our life may not be our fault, we need to take responsibility for it, even though it's heartbreaking. This is where we need to start. And I think this is true for each and every one of us. And I think perhaps that these 800 or 900,000 men who were in Washington the other day maybe are taking some kind of lead in showing us what we all need to do to work on our lives.

[32:56]

And then the next thing we need to do was something that they also did at that march, which I thought was the most stirring part of all. I heard this part on the radio, and it was very moving to me. The men took a deep and a sincere vow, having accepted responsibility for what was happening to them, to change their behavior and to work hard to do something positive, to stop doing something that may be troublesome and to start doing something that is positive. We may not be able to change what's outside of our life sometimes. Our deepest and our most true range of activity really resides in what we can do with our own life. So we make that vow to work with our life, and then there's something we can do. So that is the process of our practice, to stop, to be aware, to accept responsibility, and then to vow to work on our life.

[34:09]

And this, in a way, is the whole of the Buddhist path. In Buddhist mythology, there's a wonderful metaphor for talking about these obsessive and difficult states of mind that seem unfortunately all too common in our lives. It's said that there's a realm in a distant world in which beings are always wandering around starving and searching for food. These beings have big, fat, swollen bellies from hunger and huge bellies that require lots of food to fill them up. And they are aching for food. But their anatomy also includes needle-like throats. So even when they get food, they can't get it down their throat fast enough to satisfy their huge bellies.

[35:16]

So they go raging around, their minds full of clouds of passionate desire. And even though they're constantly trying to alleviate the situation, nothing that they do helps. They work themselves up also to a powerful thirst. And then they see a beautiful clear river, and they rush toward the river for a drink of water, but there appear suddenly fierce guardian deities at the riverbank who fight them off and beat them up and prevent them from drinking. Then they kind of gang up on one of the guardian deities, and then one or two of them slip through, and when they reach the river and take a drink, the water turns to pus in their mouths. So this is very pathetic. awful situation. Maybe you can relate to this type of situation. It happens.

[36:21]

Sometimes like that, when our desire rages, and no matter how much we squirm around, we can't seem to satisfy it. Our restlessness knows no bounds. And just when we get close to the river, Just when we get close to some calmness, to some real relationship, to the teaching, to what's truest and strongest in our own lives, our demon-like resistances spring up, fight us off. And then occasionally we get around them and we encounter the teaching and all too often it turns to crap. Right in front of us. It's awful. We keep on encountering our limited self over and over again. We can't seem to let go of it. And we go on ghosting around, struggling with our practice.

[37:24]

So this is the kind of thing that goes on. I'm sorry to tell you. And so, you know, spiritual practice can be full of this sort of thing. It can go on for a while. And more often than not, that's what happens, you know. It can be quite frustrating. There are periods of time in a lifetime of practice that look like this. So to work with it, we just really have to get lucky, I think. We have to keep making effort, keep going straight ahead the best we can. And then eventually someone or something will finally come along and help us out. That's what happens. And we just keep on going, trusting in that. And then we can find some peacefulness, even though we still have these problems.

[38:28]

And after a while, if we repeat this often enough, we see how ridiculous it is and how funny it is that we keep doing this to ourselves. And it helps to have a sense of humor about it. I think a sense of humor is one of the key elements on the spiritual path. I don't know if Buddha listed it among the different elements of enlightenment, but I think it's sort of in there in between energy and patience somewhere. Once upon a time, Moggallana, one of Shakyamuni Buddha's closest disciples, was troubled by dreams. Every night when he went to sleep, he'd dream of his mother. And he loved his mother. He was very attached to his mother. And she had recently died. In the dreams, his mother was wandering around in a terrible place. She was hungry.

[39:34]

She was raving for food. and she was unable to satisfy her hunger. In the dream she would wail and she would scream and she would look toward Moggallana and she would ask for help, but Moggallana couldn't do anything about it. And he would wake up in the middle of the night, anguished over this situation. He was one of the Buddha's closest disciples, so he brought this problem to the Buddha. And Shakyamuni Buddha said to him, well, you know, you're seeing your mother. This is really your mother you're seeing in the realm of the hungry ghosts. So maybe we should have a special ceremony for her. To call her forth and feed her and offer her the peacefulness of the teachings. So they had a ceremony at that time. Now it just so happened that this...

[40:34]

dialogue between the Buddha and Moggallana happened around the time of the full moon, when it was the practice for the monks and nuns in those days to have their confession ceremony, which they had twice a month at the time of the full moon and the new moon. They would get together, they would chant the precepts that they lived by, and they would discuss together how well they had done in keeping the precepts for the last two weeks, They would accept responsibility for whatever way they had not kept the precepts, and they would vow with each other that they would do better during the next two weeks. So it was just at that time that the ceremony for Moggallana's mother happened. And so it must have been very clear to the monks that there was a big connection between the suffering of Moggallana's mother in the realm of the hungry ghosts, in their own difficulties, in their own lives.

[41:36]

And they must have realized that to bring up Mogulana's mother and to appease her and to bring her peace was also to bring up their own desire, to appease their own desire and to bring peace to their own desire. So ever since that time, In the Buddha Sangha, we have always done this ceremony to appease and refresh restless spirits. And it has this double meaning. It means to open ourselves up to our own wildness, our own unsatisfiable desires to accept responsibility for them and to bow to see through them and at the same time it means setting to rest the restlessness in the spirits of people who have gone and to remember finally those who have gone and open ourselves up to the grief that comes

[43:02]

And to dedicate the energy of our practice to beings outside of us all over who are in the state of unrest. In Japanese, the word for hungry ghost is gaki. And seigaki means feeding the hungry ghosts. And this is the ceremony that we're going to do today. I think it's at 5 o'clock, right? 5? 5 o'clock today we're going to perform this ceremony. It's an interesting ceremony, a very powerful ceremony. A little dangerous, maybe. You never know what happened. And we've been practicing up for it. It involves a cast of thousands of musicians and so on.

[44:06]

In the beginning, we call the hungry ghosts to come, and they show up a little scared because having so much desire makes one very weak. And they're shy about coming around people. And they would never begin to even dream of coming if they knew that Buddha was around. So we don't do the ceremony at the altar where Buddha is. We come over here and do it on this end of the zendo. So the beings won't be too scared. And this Jizo Bodhisattva, who is standing next to me, is very gentle Bodhisattva, who is known to travel to the realms of the hungry ghosts and hell beings. So we do it around him, and he will, with his gentleness, be a big support, and these beings will feel okay about coming. So we begin by making a tremendous sound, an otherworldly sound, because in the realm of the hungry ghosts, sounds that are weird sound inviting.

[45:16]

If you make something too beautiful, it scares them away. So you have to make a horrific sound, and then they come. Everywhere. And then we... Also remember and dedicate to whatever unfinished energy there is in our own hearts and in the hearts of those of our close friends and relatives who have passed on. And we read hundreds of names. Maybe you have given us some names of your family to read or will give us some names today. So that's what we will do today. And you're all welcome to join. It's really a wonderful ceremony, a real chance to remember your friends and ancestors who are gone and to remember the restlessness that is in your heart as it is in all of our hearts.

[46:19]

There's a story in Chinese Buddhism that after the original Seigaki ceremony, Moggallana felt emboldened to make an even stronger vow to help his mother. So he actually descended to the hell realm of hungry ghosts. And he went down to get his mother out. And he broke the lock on the gate. And so the gate was a little ajar. And a lot of the ghosts escaped. and started wandering around the world. There are versions of this sort of story all over the world. And it seems that at various cultures everywhere at this time of year, in the fall, when we can feel the world turning toward the darkness of winter, this is when the ghosts are sneaking around.

[47:32]

So we have All Souls Day or Halloween, and there's this same sort of story behind Halloween. And that's why we do the Seigaki ceremony around this time of year. It's just a good time of year to do it. Now one of the curious aspects of this time and these ceremonies is that they often involve festivities and joy. You know, isn't that funny? The idea is that you want to have a good party so that the ghosts will enjoy themselves. And then, you know, you kind of gently, you know, like you give them a lot of food and then you gently show them to the door so that they'll feel fine about us and they'll go home. Because it's good to bring them up

[48:39]

you don't want them hanging around like all the time you would like to have them go back so we have a party it's good to have a party some sort of party to bring up these things and have a party and then send everybody home and go on to the next day so in china they do this they have special performances of operas or they have circuses and all of this to entertain the ghosts and show them a good time so that they'll feel at ease and they won't feel too badly about going home again. So I think it's very profound how all of this sort of fits together. Desire, restlessness, obsession, and the ghost-like suffering caused by this desire. taking care of others in a deep way and grief and remembering and taking responsibility for and accepting our desires and our actions and joy and festivity all of this coming up together it's very interesting i think this seems in a way just how life is isn't it all these contradictory and powerful

[50:13]

of coming up together. This very mind, all of it, is Buddha. And to bring it all up, with clarity and without denial or judgment or fixing and to let it all go with some sense of ease and joy and to be willing to step into the next moment of our lives even though we don't know what that will bring step into that moment with confidence holding nothing in our hands this is a nice way to live so thank you very much for listening to my talk this morning

[51:40]

And the subject of the conversation naturally seems to begin with or center around what is presented in the lecture, but that's not required. That's not necessarily the case. You can raise something else up as well. So let's begin here. I have a question about funding that I think correctly, that desire to say, I can't think of myself. Yeah, if only I, if only I had this, which would mean that if you go up in a period of activity trying to acquire this, I'm trying to reconcile that because Because I think some degree would affect indeed a useful state of Wyoming.

[52:48]

And I think sometimes it does better arise if it can be following those instincts and aren't doing things to get to the United States. And I just wanted to comment about it. It seems kind of like, you know, in one way, like, um, you see yourself and it's, you know, all the traffic. In another way, there is some validity to it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So he's raising the point about desire and acting to fulfill desire. In my talk today, I was bringing up the other side, which is just to accept desire as desire without trying to fulfill it is a useful practice and something important to see. And he's saying... Sometimes it's good to satisfy our desires and to work on finding a way to do that.

[53:52]

I know what you mean. Not just desire, but working things out in your life and so on. And you can certainly apply the same thing to the world at large. For example, if you heard what I said this morning, it took that to me that I was suggesting that no one ever do anything to better society to act. social justice ecological sanity and so on that all we should do is sit and look at our desire this isn't exactly it either yeah so it seems to me that it's that the insight that i was talking about is very very important for us to uh realize as a sort of baseline something that we refer to or know about in order for us to in a sane way work to organize our lives and fulfill our needs what I mean to say is that it's good to know for example that no matter how I organize my life

[55:17]

I will die in the end. It's good to remember that. If I remember that, it sort of changes the way in which I run around doing the things that I need to do to change my life. So we need to be practical, of course. We need to act in such a way to make a life that we want to live and that others want to live. But the quality of the energy that we bring to that is important. And in order to make those arrangements and make those decisions and move along that path in a way that honors what we really need in our lives, I think it's important to come back to this zero point of no desire, no fulfillment. So I was bringing up that slide. Now, the thing is that the fact that it's true that sometimes, of course, we need to do things and make decisions and move toward desire, move toward the future in our lives, the fact that we need to practically take care of that, is true and it can also be a great excuse for not seeing this other side well of course I don't have time to take care of my the depths of my spiritual life because I'm busy doing these things to move toward my future so yes you do need to do those things to move toward your future but can't you balance that with the realization that we need to

[56:45]

see how we are in the present moment and find our real mind right now. So there are seasons in our lives. There's a time when we devote ourselves externally to doing those things that we need to do in our lives. And then there's a time when we let go of that completely and just abandon it totally and just take care of our lives. Now those seasons happen... There may be five years or 10 years or 20 years in our lives when we're doing one thing or doing another thing. But there also may be one half hour every day in our lives when we abandon ourself completely and our goals. The thing about our goals and our desires is that once we get on track to satisfy them, we go on 24 hours a day with nothing else in our mind, even though we think we forget once in a while. In the back of our mind, don't you know what I'm talking about? There's something that's preoccupying. So I think it's actually very good to have a time every single day, if possible, when you just sit and abandon that completely and remember that there's nothing that needs to be done.

[57:48]

You can do that for one half hour a day. And then when you get up from your cushion after having done that and then go into the world and do the things you need to do, it changes the energy in the way that you approach those things. There's less desperation about it. There's less feeling that you need to do this. It's like, I need to do this. It's different from, I need to do this. It's a different feeling. When you need to do it, then you burn down other people along the way of doing it. When you just need to do something and you know that it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen, then there's a different way that you relate to that thing that you need to do and to other people. And I find myself, when I get overcome by my need to do this, what I find is my mind is creating many more things, you know, that I need to do. For example, I need to do X. Well, now it makes me think of Y and Z and all the different steps toward X. If I could just let go of it, then I look and I say, you know, it isn't all that complicated, actually.

[58:51]

I don't need all these other things. I just need to do this. It's very simple. Or more simple than I thought. So I often find myself in very complicated situations, but if I just take a breath and let go of it, I see it's not so complicated. And I see that there's many things that I don't really have to do, actually. When I return to fact and nothing. In every turn, the bare facts of my existence, which is I'm alive, I'm breathing, I'm impermanent, and I will die. All of a sudden, the game changes quite a bit. That's what I was talking about, having an appreciation for that in our lives. And sometimes it takes, for some people, completely giving up your life and, you know, joining a seven-week practice period at Green Golf, or go to a monastery or whatever, or during a one-week retreat or whatever it is, because it's so difficult to give up the ongoing churning of our plans and our programs. So these things are very, very individual.

[59:52]

You know what I mean? It all depends on the circumstances of your life, and it depends on your personality and your needs and so on and so forth. There's no sort of universal way to look at this. Just my main message, though, is to remember that no matter what our needs are and where we're at, if we have the chance to return to zero and return to desirelessness and letting go of desire and abandonment, if we have the chance to do that, we should do it. And doing that makes a big difference for the rest of our life. So I think it's very important that we do that. Now, again, as I say, sometimes we can't do it. Sometimes it may be inappropriate to do it. But if we can, then we should do it. If we can spend a lot of time on that... in our lives, that's wonderful. If we can spend half an hour, that's wonderful too. And when we move ahead to do what we need to do, it's very important to consider our commitment, why it is we're doing that. What is it that we're doing and why are we doing it? And I personally feel as if my understanding of Buddha's way is that if we're doing something selfishly,

[61:01]

I need to do this for me. And there's no sense in which we see that it involves others, our family, our community, and so on. If we're doing it only for me, I think that we need to think again. Because I think that usually things that we're doing selfishly don't really satisfy our desire. They only make us more narrow. So we need to evaluate what it is that we're planning ahead to do and see to it that what it is that we're planning ahead to do really meets our deepest... and most thoughtful commitment in our lives. So a lot of people do things without really thinking about why they're doing it, what's expected of them, or the whole world is churning around, and we're just sort of following our nose. Well, what are we really doing, and why are we doing it, and who does it benefit? We need to think about these things, I think. And that's very important. And returning to zero helps us to bring up those kinds of evaluations in a way that's really heartfelt, you know? Thank you. Yes? I was thinking of a student of mine this morning.

[62:04]

And she's mature. I'm a high school teacher. And she's a real street kid, but has a lot of ability, I think, and is very mature of her age. And I was thinking, well, it'd be really nice if she were to join a support group that we have several of our high school who I teach. And then I sort of stepped back. She's out here because it's Sunday. I'm not in school. I thought, am I doing this really for her? There's a real urgency. I've got to get her into a support group. But I think what you're talking about, Norman, the quality of the desire, when I can catch it, how much am I pushing this because I think it's right, versus how much is it really right for that person? And do they have the right to say no? Yeah, and you could invite her to join a support group using the same words and do it one way. that would inspire her to want to do it and do it another way that would make her think. Forget it. That's the last thing in the world that I'm going to want to do because you've got too much. And then she doesn't even know this, maybe. And we don't know this, maybe, but we feel it.

[63:06]

So too much desire, often resistance arise. Very true. Oh, I'm sorry that so many people have to stand up there. What else? Yes. What I just said this morning was that you had this insight that all desires are already fulfilled. So I was kind of working with that while you were talking. It was like a simple desire, like I wanted to have tea. So, I mean, I can go into denial. I can say I don't really need to follow up on this. I can just let it go for a while. But I didn't come to a place that it actually works already fulfilled. I mean, I can fantasize what I actually am drinking tea now. Well, the desire, say that, like that, I want to have some tea. You can experience the desire itself as complete.

[64:09]

This is a feeling that comes inside of me, from my physiology and from my psychology. It has its own past, present and future. It arises in my mind. I see it. I experience it. it passes away. Don't need to have any tea. Now, if you can appreciate that, and this comes back in a way to what you brought up in the first question, if you can appreciate that, then if you happen to get some tea, you can really enjoy it. Because just as that moment of wanting the tea took care of itself now the moment of drinking the tea takes care of itself and it's now not that you're drinking the tea because in the past you had a desire to drink the tea and now you're getting the tea that you wanted it's just that in the past you had a desire to have tea that was complete in itself and now at that time it was complete in itself and now at this time you have

[65:16]

this completely unexpected and gratuitous cup of tea appearing in your life that you can fully enjoy. So that's why it's connected to what you said, because you may get up and get a cup of tea, but you get it in the spirit of just doing something, not satisfying a desire. I have a single-minded desire for tea here. I get it. And then I realized, my God, I didn't notice who was standing on the other side. I was really rude there. Exactly. I thought, was it that important? Exactly. A perfect example of what I'm saying. Yeah. That's right. So we don't even, not only, so in looking at our desires in that way, not only don't we really get the full enjoyment, you know, of realizing that desire, but we also end up missing a lot of other things that might be happening, and we also miss a chance to make friends, and we might even make an enemy, like, why did she step on my toe?

[66:28]

And then next Sunday when you come back, there's this person who says, yeah, she's the person who stepped on my toe, and she's not a very nice person, and so on, and then they tell their friend, you know, And pretty soon there's this group of people wandering around who knows what a really nasty person you are. And then you notice them, and you tell your friends, look at how they're relating to me very nicely. And you tell your friends, and pretty soon we have this tense situation here. It's two camps of people, and pretty soon they don't even remember why. They don't like each other, but they really don't like each other. And then when they sit down together... to maybe there's a members meeting or something, all of a sudden the communication is very bad and then they can't talk to each other and so on. This is all very funny, right? But it's going on in the world. It's going on in the world, right? This happens in your workplace. It's happening in Eastern Europe where people are killing each other over this sort of thing. Exactly this sort of thing.

[67:31]

I mean, it's a small thing. We throw a cup of tea, you know? But this is what it is. We really have to... We really have to recognize that we don't need anything. And that what arises in this moment, desire and unfulfilled desire and all that is complete. And then we go to the next moment and the next moment. And if we don't realize that, there's a desperate quality to our lives. And lots of fall off to that. Yes. Well, do you think that when you meet desire that way, where you just let the desire be the desire, and if you are so fortunate as to get the cup of tea and appreciate it that way, do you think that then the next desire that arises will be arising in a way that is fuller than if you hadn't paid attention to how the desire was met?

[68:35]

Oh, yes. You get a cycle going then. where the desire that arises is noticed and then the fulfillment is noticed so that the next desire arises in a better way, maybe. Yeah, absolutely. The mind of this moment conditions the mind of the next moment. Oh, that's the beauty of this. Yeah, so that's right. If we begin to practice in this way, We find that the desires that arise in us are more and more appropriate desires and more and more accurate and easier to work with and so on and so forth. If we keep raging around with our desires, then we keep raging around. You know, this keeps going like that. And if there's no peace of mind at all in the middle of our desires, we can become very obsessive and crazy. You know, and maybe you know how that can be, you know, unpleasant. Yeah. Not you. But there may be one or two others in here that may have experienced this really difficult situation which we get into sometimes.

[69:37]

That's why there are these metaphors in Buddhism about hungry ghosts and hell realms and all that because they all describe states of mind that any of us know. I mean, some of the more extreme ones, I think, are talking about what we call mental illness. But I think that mental illness is just an extreme case of what what any of us will experience from time to time in times in our life when there's transition or something happens to us you know that's very difficult then the mind uh you know has has a hard time and we and we do have these times in our life that are quite difficult yeah and the more that we practice in this way the more that when those circumstances beyond our control arise in our lives that would create these difficult states of mind the more we're ready to deal with those states in mind and we can work with difficulty, because there is no way, of course, to eliminate problems, right, in our lives. I mean, things happen to us all the time that we didn't plan on, that had nothing to do with what we have done, and then there we are, forced to deal with that. And we want to have a mind that has the stability and the flexibility and the intelligence to be able to deal reasonably with what arises in our life that is unexpected, that is difficult.

[70:49]

This is, you know, really important, not that we're constantly planning on, you know, these moments, but we need to be ready for whatever occurs in the next moment. And to practice this way will make us more ready for that. Yes? Yes? So when one of those hungry ghosts gets to rise and is disturbing our sleep, but we can't sit and meditate because of the anxiety, the eternal broken heart, the darkness taking over, any recommendation? Well, yeah, I think in my talk I mentioned that this happens, right? So sometimes, you know, yeah, we try to sit and practice, but sometimes the mind is raging so much that your mind just goes cuckoo, you know, trying to sit there. It's just the more you're so aware of what's happening that you can hardly bear it. So a couple of things, and I find that at those times, actually, walking meditation is more supportive than sitting meditation. sitting meditation could actually make it worse.

[71:51]

You could actually get too far into it, obsess on it even more. So those times it's actually good to practice a gentle walking meditation, even outdoors where you have the support of the sky and the earth and the trees, especially trees and natural settings are very supportive. So just to do a gentle walking meditation without trying to concentrate too hard, but just walking up and down and breathing for periods of time, that's a good meditation to do. And like I said, if possible in those times, not to do much, not to have to make decisions, not to have to add extra things to your life. In fact, to try to eliminate anything in your life that you can so that you can be quieter, that's helpful too. Another thing is to clean your room, you know. i always tell people uh why don't you go and like get a vacuum cleaner and a rag a damp rag and really clean your room well you know and do it mindfully with with the full awareness of what you're doing and take care of your body

[72:53]

Take a bath and wash yourself very carefully and well with loving kindness and just do these very simple things to straighten out and take care of your life because these things are going to support you and are going to bring the mind to some peacefulness. And then when the mind is a little more peaceful, you can sit a little bit more and then you can, little by little, take on, add activities back to your life. So these are very simple things. Of course, there are times also, as we all know, when in addition to all of this, We may need to go to therapy or something like that to look at the root in our past of the problems that arise in the present. So that's helpful, too. But nothing that I'm saying, I think, will prevent that from happening. You know what I'm saying? It's not that you do this instead of going to therapy. If you practice in this way, this will make your going to therapy or whatever else you do more useful, you know? Because you'll be more open to it and more ready for it and calmer.

[73:56]

And you'll be able to benefit from whatever insights you get from whatever it is that you do. Other therapy or other forms of healing will be benefited by practicing this way. So I think we all have to recognize that these things do happen to any of us. And every moment we should remember that it could happen to any of us. Absolutely. And then when we have periods of time in our life, if any of you have had these experiences, periods of time in your lives that you can look back on, it's very important to remember them and to respect them at times when you were going through a dark passage that you had to come out the other end of, and that everything that you're doing in your life honors that and respects that and knows that such a thing could happen again. And to go forward into the next moment without fear, even though you know that that's true. I think a lot of times we often look at those times in our life as an unfortunate episode that shouldn't have happened.

[74:57]

But to look at it that way, you know, will only block us from our own wisdom, you know? Yes? At the end of the process, you can describe in this form of desire. And so you can take responsibility for it. That seems a sense of worship. and you acknowledge it being there, and the vow, the vow comes in renouncing the action, it's okay, you're at the end of the process, you've accepted it the way it is, and the vow that comes into play, how could you expand upon that a little bit? Well, from my perspective, I would say that the desire arises, and I say it's an obsessive desire. One takes responsibility for it and acknowledges it without pushing it aside.

[76:00]

One looks at it. One stays with it. One practices with it. One sees it from all its angles. And one is clear not to, if it's an inappropriate desire, not to indulge it. And then one... one vows, I vow to practice in such a way that I won't act as I have in the past to indulge these desires and make them stronger. Instead, I'll act in such a way to acknowledge them and let them go. That's my commitment. That's what I'm going to do. See, we have these creeping up feelings in us that, well, maybe I should, you know, after all. Don't I deserve? No, shouldn't I? I mean, after he did it and she did it. Anyway, I mean, this is America and we're supposed to have the pursuit of happiness, so isn't this the pursuit of happiness? So we have those. When we haven't made the vow, when we haven't been clear, you know, that this is my responsibility and that I'm taking a vow really seriously within myself to practice and live in this way.

[77:09]

When we're not really clear, then our unclarity keeps us miserable. and sometimes we just have to go on that way for a while you know until we get tired of it you know I mean if we're not really ready to take the vow we shouldn't force ourselves you know we just have to learn from our frustration so if someone comes to me and clearly does not want to practice in that way I don't try to talk them into it you know I say please continue in the way that you are you know come back later when you're when you're desperate you know what's then you'll be ready to actually take that vow. And if you never get desperate in your life and you can go on in this way and it works for you, great. I'm not one to say that this is a bad thing. If you are happy with it, my wish in practicing with people is that people will be happy and they will be kind to themselves and kind to others. And if some strategy works for you to be that way, then that's great.

[78:12]

But if it doesn't work for you, if you find out, if you study this and you find that the way that you're habitually behaving is actually unworkable and is creating more confusion, and you're really ready to begin to approach making a vow, such a vow, for yourself, then good. Let's talk about that. Yes? I guess I'm a little confused because I think I heard you say responsibility to your desire... To me, most of my desires, if I can see them as empty, it depersonalizes right from the beginning and neutralizes that energy. If I start, it's almost like building up the sense of I. If I say, you know, these things have arisen and now I have to be responsible for that. A lot of the stuff is such garbage anyway. My brains, I don't know.

[79:15]

To me, I guess I know the ability to respond is one thing, but I almost heard an implication that somehow, due to my physiology or the so-called rational thoughts, somehow have something that you need. Well, I think that the way that you're practicing is exactly perfect. Please ignore whatever you thought you heard me say. I think that that's just how you should practice with it. Yeah. I wanted to talk briefly about something that happened to me. It's a real deep, deep desire. I've struggled with for a long time. It's the motherhood thing. I've been married for 10 years, 11 years, and I couldn't have children. My neighbor had a baby. She's born now, and I'm really, really close to her.

[80:17]

I like her second mom. I found out last night. She's leaving. It's really, really bothering me. I'm trying to get over this so that I can help her mother go through this. She couldn't stop crying on me yesterday. So I took the kid all day and went hiking. And for them and stuff. Just trying to come to grips with myself so I can be strong for them to help. And instead of being so self-centered about, well, this was going to be my kid today, I'd help her age and watch her grow up and help her at their homework. That kind of desire, it's so deep. Especially for women, it's a natural woman. Yes, this is what I meant when I said sometimes to accept responsibility for our desires is heartbreaking.

[81:19]

And that we just have to allow that and go on from there. So there are heartbreaks that don't exactly go away. And to acknowledge them and to accept responsibility for them, and then eventually we see that through the course of our lives, we see that this heartbreak was our gift. Even though it's really a heartbreak, you know. You don't dismiss it, but it is our gift. We come to see that, I think, when we really acknowledge it and honor it. So, yes, thank you for sharing that personal story. Well, I guess along that same line, I don't know exactly what I want to say, but

[82:30]

Some people were here, we had a ceremony here for my daughter. Saturday. And that is a deep desire to not. I mean, my desire to have daughter who lives most likely did. And this has been a lot to practice with. And, you know, those eyes on it felt like too much that I couldn't even sit up. So that made my heart too open. And I felt like doing a lot of this. But to just even have the practice to do is such a gift. Because it's, you know, like it's like the thing I was Maybe my biggest fear would be towards a child.

[83:35]

It's like the first thing I can think of. But it happens. It absolutely happens. And it seems necessary to have something to do while it's happening. Because, you know, I could do a lot of unhealthy things about it. for myself and other people. It feels like I can't stand it. It feels like my heart is just not going to recover. But it is recovering and, you know, I'm doing okay. And to have the opportunity to come to a place like this during all these, it's been a while for years. It's difficult. And then to have this place here for me when we need to do this out. was so beautiful because, you know, we don't even really know that she's dead, but suddenly I had to do something.

[84:37]

I had to take some action on this to lock it again so that I could, I don't know, but go on. Yes, well, thank you for that, yeah. You know, I just, I don't even know what I'm trying to say except for this practice has helped me. Just to have to practice to be with things with God. I know what you mean. And I know that lots of people that I'm sure that I don't know or you don't know come here with bringing that kind of grief or suffering and find just in being here often some support. They can't even practice in any way maybe. It's too much. But they can just be here. and feel some healing little by little in just being around because I believe they understand either explicitly or intuitively that to be just like the ceremony we're going to do today the beings who come understand explicitly or intuitively that this is a place where we don't deny suffering

[86:00]

where we acknowledge the reality of suffering, and we work with it, and we have peacefulness within it. That is the whole nature of the Buddha's way. And this is why any one of us trains in the Dharma. You know, we're training in the Dharma, not just for ourself, right? Where is Green Gulch? Green Gulch is in any one of us that has that spirit. So I'm sure many of you find yourselves in different places in the world, and there are people suffering in your offices or your homes, who come to you, and maybe they don't even say anything, but they feel that you're practicing the way, and they feel some unspoken support from your practice and your willingness to acknowledge that suffering is real, and yet there can be peacefulness. This is something that most people simply don't understand or don't believe is possible. They think you either have to deny suffering and pretend it's not there, you know, or be completely raving that there's no other way.

[87:05]

But our way is to acknowledge suffering and find peacefulness within it, not to create suffering where there isn't any, but where there's suffering, to acknowledge it and find some peacefulness in it, and to offer that attitude to anybody who needs it. And I'm happy to. One of the things that helped me the most when I tried to be sitting up in a group who could hardly bear it, was to say something like, made the suffering that I suffered today, relieved the suffering of all mothers in the world. So that just, I'll figure that out. Right. Thank you. And can we share a little bit about your granddaughter? Oh yeah. So her granddaughter, The daughter of her daughter who disappeared lives at Green Gulch. A little girl.

[88:08]

And she's a very happy little girl. She's actually quite sick, but she's very happy. And she runs around. She gives all of us tremendous joy. We get such a kick out of her. She's a delightful person. So it's odd how things work. running around and crawling around during the ceremony, she kept saying, listen, listen. Do you think that the loftier designs that we may have, and the personal beliefs in the suffering in the world are also, I mean, this practice that you talked about, feeling that they're already satisfied, is that also useful practice in considering that kind of world they want to do?

[89:24]

Yeah, that brings up an interesting and important angle on all this. What about those noble desires that we have that seem really important and worthwhile for us to pursue? Such desires are worthwhile to pursue, but we need to look at them and see how sometimes we, when we say, I vow to end suffering all over the world, we often are meaning, I vow to be the great person who everyone will admire, who is going to make sure that everybody's okay. So we need to be able to notice this, and this doesn't mean giving up that desire, that noble desire, which is not really a desire in the sense of jangly energy, but it's a beautiful hope.

[90:32]

And it's a wonderful faculty of human beings, you know, that we can hope for such things. Think about it, you know. It's wonderful that we can even envision the idea.

[90:41]

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