This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Morning. So, my name is Kay Du Ninshat. I want to thank the Tontoes. Rosalie Curtis, for inviting me, and to Wendy Lewis, the co-practice leader, the abbess, and of course to my teacher, then Kay Blanche Hartman, and of course to all of you for being here. So when I was asked to give a talk, I was offered two dates. One was last Saturday, It was this Saturday, obviously.

[01:00]

And I thought, oh, no, not May 12th because it's Mother's Day weekend. You know, I get locked into a topic so I don't get to do what I want. And then also just, it's a big thing. I'm not a mother. So I chose today. However, as is my experience, in life and certainly in practice, what you try to avoid keep arising. So the thoughts of Mother's and Mother's Day kept coming up. And this was like over a month ago. So it's been turning a lot. So I'm hoping that it will come out well. So I want to say, just as a call out, I've had two mothers, and they're both dead.

[02:02]

Makes it a little easier, perhaps, to talk about them. And the first is my birth mother, Winti Bhaktuit. She died when she was 38 of breast cancer, which was over 39 years ago. I'm sitting in the zendo, thinking, wow. That's more than twice her life now. And the other mother, when I was adopted at eight, is Betty Jane Heine, is her main name, and then Chet. And she died almost 17 years ago. So in thinking about my mothers and mothers, I was thinking, well, what would I say? to my mothers at this point? What would the conversation be about? And I have to say, maybe I'm just self-centered, but I didn't think a lot about what I would ask them.

[03:10]

But also, what do you ask the dead? Maybe that's another talk. Maybe that'll come up. But so these are the things I thought about what would I want to say to them. How is it that I've lived my life? where have I come to in my life, some kind of summary of my life, what is the truth of my experience since their deaths, describe what's important to me, who I am, and how do I describe myself now. And these ideas and questions crystallize around the concept of authenticity. And because, obviously, practice, or Zen, Soto Zen, is a major part of my life and the driving force of my life. In fact, you know, when I ordained, you know, Blanche, and then you have to go talk to all the past Abbasho people, why you want to ordain, that's part of the process.

[04:19]

And at the time, the thing that came up for me about how to describe my life desire, wanting to ordain, was that I wanted to put the Dharma at the center of my life. Like, you know, the compass, the middle of the compass. So, today I'd like to talk about how Zazen and practice and, you know, in that we say awakening is a journey or a path or a exploration of what is authentic. Not only for ourselves, but for our experience, hopefully our community and our world. So, just as a reference as to what maybe authenticity is, I looked it up in Wikipedia, you know, the popular understanding of

[05:26]

And the technical term used in psychology, as well as existential philosophy and the philosophy of art, is that authenticity is the degree to which one is true to one's own personality, spirit, or character, despite external pressures. The conscious self is seen as coming to terms with being in a material world and with encountering external forces, pressures, and influences which are very different from and other than itself. It's very interesting. A lack of authenticity is considered in existentialism to be bad faith. So, and then a broader term or description of authenticity refers to the truthfulness of origins, attributions, commitments, sincerity, devotion, and intentions.

[06:32]

Sounds like practice. Now, in thinking about what in Zen... points towards the sense of authenticity, two expressions came up for me right away. And one is from Suzuki Roshi, when you become yourself, then Zen becomes Zen. Otherwise, sometimes when you are you, then Zen is Zen. So that's from a Wind Bell talk in 1962. the title which is True Zen. And the other expression that came to my mind right away is, I'm the jerk I always was. And I heard this in my first summer at Tassajara, the monastery.

[07:35]

And it was from a senior teacher. It was in the dining room, remember. And I remember thinking, oh no. This is not why I came to practice. I hope to be jerk-free, you know? So, in this talk, I'd like to get to show how both of these expressions support and encourage us in practice and in our quest for authenticity. I'd also like to talk about practice. There are many ways to talk about practice, especially the practice of Zazen. Today I'd like to talk about it in three ways. One is a container, one is content, and one is context. So when you become yourself, then Zen becomes Zen.

[08:36]

So we're inspired by this, or at least I was, and encouraged by it. I think it really resonates with the part of ourselves that wants to improve ourselves and to self-actualize. And perhaps when you come here, you see these people in the robes and the little bibs, and they turn very nicely to the right. They have rituals, not too little, some of them. And so you think, well, these people know what they're doing. This must be where I, too, can know what I'm doing. Yeah? Find that authentic me usually is where we start from. I mean, maybe other people start from a different place, but I know I started from me.

[09:36]

How can I become authentic? How can I awaken me? you know, to the better me. So you come and you look for how to get engaged and you go to Zazen meditation instruction. How many people came this morning to Zazen instruction? I recognize some of the faces from last week when I gave it. And what do we talk mostly about? Sitting posture. This is classic, classic Zen. Meditation instruction. In 2006, yes, I was at a nunnery in Vietnam, also Zen, and I had meditation instruction. It was pretty much the same, right? You sit in full or half lotus with an upright posture,

[10:40]

Center your head, your ears align with your shoulders. Suzuki Roshi talks about it as if you had a string holding you up to straighten you up. Put your right hand here, your left hand on top. Your thumb tip slightly touching. Your nose align with your navel. This, by the way, from the Fukanza Zangi. Rest the tip of your tongue against the front of the roof of your mouth with teeth and lips together, both shut. Always keep your eyes open and breathe softly through your nose. Once you have adjusted your posture, take a breath and exhale fully. rock your body right and left, and settle into a steady, immovable city.

[11:52]

Very basic instruction, but from over 2,500 years of practice. Now, of course, these are parameters, again, based on experience, but we all have different bodies, different needs. And at different times, it can be difficult to sit this way. I used to sit full lotus. Now I can't do it. So Suzuki Roshi, again, from that same talk called True Zen, said, it will take at least six months before you get your own right posture. Everyone has their own right posture. but without instructions, you cannot find it. So you can't do this alone. So you come, you have big ideas, and then in Zen, we just slow everything down.

[13:03]

You know, sometimes I think that's why I have practiced one other main style before, And I think often Zen is harder because we just go, whoa. Because we want to really base practice to right here and right now. And this body is what's right here and right now. And how is it that we can use it to support our desires, our aspirations? And how is it that we can find all those things right here? So these days, I'm aware of how a stable body or stable posture is the stability of heart and mind. We come to practice often to feel

[14:08]

fix ourselves or define ways in which we can think differently or behave differently, but it's kind of this grasping. So we just slow everything down and say, right here, right now, do you know what's going on right here, right now? Now you sit down, You know, maybe it takes you six months, maybe a little longer, maybe a little shorter. And you go, okay, I'm stable. I got it. I found some peace, you know, some calmness. And then you meet. The part that says, I'm the jerk person. I always was. So that was the container that we tried to establish in the beginning of Zen practice.

[15:16]

And now we move to what I'm calling the content, the stories that come up, right? And whether we like it or not, we will get to this part. by this time you can appreciate that the stable body will help you to be with and work through or see through the discomfort often seemingly to come from the mind or the emotions From the Marrow of Zen, Suzuki Roshi here, and Zen Mind Beginner's Mind, he says, In our scriptures, the Saragama Sutra, volume 33, it is said that there are four kinds of horses.

[16:30]

Excellent ones, good ones, poor ones, and bad ones. The best horse will run slow and fast, right and left, at the driver's will. Before it sees the shadow of the whip, the second best will run as well as the first one does, just before the whip reaches its skin. The third one will run when it feels pain on its body. The fourth will run after the pain penetrates to the marrow of its bone. You can imagine how difficult it is for the fourth one to learn how to run. When we hear this story, almost all of us want to be the best horse. If it is impossible to be the best one, we want to be the second best. This is, I think, the usual understanding of this story and of Zen. You may think that when you sit in Zazen, you will find out whether you are one of the best horses or one of the worst ones.

[17:41]

Here, however, there is a misunderstanding of Zen. If you think the aim of Zen practice is to train you to become one of the best horses, you will have a big problem. This is not the right understanding. If you practice Zen in the right way, it does not matter whether you're the best horse or the worst one. Now, easy, easy for him to say. I actually find that I'm always finding, looking for the best horse and ending up with the worst horse. Me, right? For example, you know, I've been practicing Soto Zen for 10 years in sight before that. I could say I was born a Buddhist, so this would be my 48th years.

[18:44]

And I will say, you know, that I, my evaluation, if I had to tell my mothers, I would say that I'm a more patient person, right? And less judgmental. And then the other day, I went to make some tea. It was the evening. And I didn't turn on the light, and I pour the water into the cup, and it overflowed. And I was good. I laughed, and I said, oh, the cup overflowed. Oops. To my girlfriend in the other room, right? And then I grab a sponge to wipe it up, and I notice that it had gone down the side of the counter, and there's a big pool on the floor. It was ginger tea, so it was very strong smelling.

[19:49]

I lost it. All of a sudden, I was like, you could be in here to help me. You know, it's a big mess. It's a big mess. Why aren't you in here helping me? Do you know? So this is what happens, right? We... We have learned, we think, to manage. But a small mess I could manage, but a big mess became overwhelming. It's the little things that just send you over the edge. You know? So we have to be really careful when we get to this part about the content of our mind. Now, I want to be very, very clear that the content of our mind is not a problem. It isn't a problem. If you approach it as a problem, you're going to have a big problem.

[20:54]

Because it only magnifies, right? If you want to be better, then you're not going to meet that. If you go and be in the worst one, then often you won't meet that either. So you're kind of setting yourself up. And in some ways, I think the greatness of Zen is that we really give you lots of opportunity to see your concept of things, in particular about yourself. So our suffering can be seen as our inability to be with what is. A small mess is okay, but a big mess is not. Again, Suzuki Roshi, from the chapter called Control.

[21:59]

If you try to calm your mind, you will be unable to sit. And if you try not to be disturbed, your effort will not be the right effort. The only effort that will help you is to count your breathing or to concentrate on your inhalation and exhalation. We say concentration, but to concentrate your mind on something is not the true purpose of Zen. The true purpose is to see things as they are, to observe things as they are, and to let everything go as it does. This is to put everything under control in its widest sense. Zen practice is to open up our small mind. So concentrating is just an aid to help you realize big mind, or the mind that is everything.

[23:03]

If you want to discover the true meaning of Zen in your everyday life, you have to understand the meaning of keeping your mind on your breathing and your body in the right posture in Zazen. You should follow the rules of practice and your study should become more subtle and careful. Only in this way can you experience the vital freedom of Zen. So from, again, from the Fukan Zazangi, Dogen would put that as, think of not thinking. Not thinking. What kind of thinking is that? Non-thinking. This is the essential art of Zazen. So counting breath is a skillful means. It is calming. But being with...

[24:06]

or sometimes talked about as following the breath, is to be with everything, which I'm going to call context. So this kind of breathing, from the chapter called Breathing. When we practice zazen, our mind always follows our breathing. When we inhale, the air comes into the inner world. When we exhale, the air goes out to the outer world. The inner world is limitless, and the outer world is also limitless. We say inner world or outer world, but actually there's just one whole world. In this limitless world, our throat is like a swinging door. The air comes in and goes out like someone passing through a swinging door.

[25:12]

If you think I breathe, the I is extra. There's no you to say I. What we call I is just a swinging door which moves when we inhale and when we exhale. It just moves. That is all. When your mind is pure and calm enough to follow this movement, there is nothing, no I, no world, no mind, no body, just a swinging door. Our usual understanding of life is dualistic. You and I, this and that, good and bad. But actually, these discriminations are themselves the awareness of the universal existence. You means to be aware of the universe in the form of you, and I means to be aware of the form of I. You and I are just swinging doors.

[26:14]

This kind of understanding is necessary. This should not even be called understanding. It is actually the true experience of life through Zen practice. So we move from the content of our life, the I and the you, to the context of life. I had an experience in which I hesitate to say understand, get this for a little bit. And that was when I was... at Tassahara, again, in a practice period. It was the one in which, in 2003, when the Iraqi war started. And I will say, perhaps it was because it was the middle of a practice period, and it was my third one, I believe, so I've been there well over a year.

[27:19]

No, fourth one. And, you know, in part, the practice leader kept a really practice container because we heard about it. You're doing a practice for, you know, you don't have TV. I mean, there's no TV at Tassara, but you can't go in and out. So very low information. And the practice leader told us that the war had begun. And there was a community meeting in which people were like, can we listen to the radio? Because someone had a radio that could, you know, transmit down in that valley. And they give us information. And my memory, my memory, is that the practice leader was like, we are here to practice. You will be given some information, but for now, let's go to the Zen Do. And in fact, that night, you could sit all night.

[28:20]

You know, in Zen, you just follow the schedule. You don't do extra. You just follow the schedule. But she was like, this is big, and if you wanted to, you could sit through the night or some part of the night longer than the schedule. And I think a lot of it because of that, but it really brought up a lot of stuff about my experience in the Vietnam War. You know, I was a child, but the idea of war and bombing just was really there for me. And I struggled, and I kept thinking, George W. Bush, how can he do this? It's awful. And my thinking focused on him. And this went on for a while, days if not weeks.

[29:22]

Honestly, I can't tell you how long it was at this point. And then I had this idea or this idea came to me. Now, when I came to practice, like I told you, I wanted to fix myself, right? And I had started to do that with psychology. I'm now a therapist, by the way, right? So to me, therapy, personally, and as a idea, is a really good thing. And I do think it's a good thing, right? It's a way in which we can explore and work through a lot of our own personal stories and how we want to be in the world, what we can let go of, what we want to let go of, what's important to us. And I had this thought, you know, that I am no different from George Bush, George W. Bush.

[30:26]

Because to me, psychology at that time, more than the Dharma at that time, was a way in which truth and understanding could happen. And I really believed in that. And I could see that for him, the war on terror and how to protect people in his idea was what was important to him. Now, mind you, while I can think that psychology can help everybody, everybody can benefit from therapy, of course I don't have the same power in which I make everyone have therapy so that the world could be a better place. I had that thought, mind you. I was not like, oh, peace. It wasn't that like... But I could see where it was that the door opened and swung.

[31:35]

Do you understand? My door was like, he is a bad man. How can he do this death? And my door had some validity from experience. And also others who I know think similarly. But then a crack. happen in the door. And the crack is that you can see how this is possible, whether you would do it and whether you condone it, mind you, as two different things or many other different things. But the crack is that you can see how someone or yourself can do the same thing based on causes and conditions that each of us and our condition right now come up. Gail Franz Dell talks about how in Western culture we're really focused on freedom too, right?

[32:52]

I should have the freedom to shop where I want to shop, eat what I want to eat, pick whatever flavor of coffee I want, right? And we spend a lot of our life on that, right? But in Buddhism, our focus is on freedom from. Now, mind you, I do not, I'm not by saying this, I do not mean that we shouldn't have freedom to. Everyone should have the freedom to vote. Everyone should have the freedom to have safety and to be seen and to be acknowledged. So I'm not minimizing. What I'm saying is, if we can be aware of freedom from, where is it that I tend to get caught? Where is my story solidified? And how is it that, is it what I want or not?

[33:58]

Am I free from that story? Am I free from myself and my conditioning? Or you and your conditioning? So practice in context comes with responsibility. Bell Hooks put it this way. To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility. To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility.

[35:04]

When it's a feeling in its mind, you don't acknowledge the impact, right? Action always has impact. Always. So to be authentic, I think it's important to know the container. And practice, I think, gives us a lot of that. And it's important to know the roots, the content, which gives us grounding and nourishes us. Thich Nhat Hanh, you know, when he talks about He talks about how when you settle your base, you're sitting, be it in a chair or on a cushion, you want to imagine you're sending roots down to the earth to support you because the branches can sway in the wind.

[36:20]

The branches. You can sway in the wind, but you have strong, deep roots that keep you stable and connected. So in the individual sense, again, I want to thank my mothers and my fathers. Another talk. And to acknowledge that my This body, this heart, this mind, this color, this skin, this gender, this sexual orientation, this personality is what it is. And to take responsibility for how that love that has been passed on to me has been acted by me. And in a practice and teacher sense, the grounding here is at this temple, is Suzuki Roshi, right?

[37:31]

Do you know that he came to San Francisco in 1959 to lead the Japanese American community at Sokoji? Now, you know, I looked this up because obviously I've heard this story before, that part about him, and I've read the books, the English books about his life. But I looked it up, and he was actually the sixth leader at Sokoji. I always thought he was the founder. This is how narrow my view was. So here's on the website for Sokoji. It says, founded in 1934, Sokoji Temple is a Zen Buddhist temple. The temple reflects a Japanese architectural type, both in the interior and the exterior. The Zen temple was originally housed in the Jewish synagogue building at 1881 Bush Street, now the home of Kokoro Assisted Living's facility, which the Zen temple congregation purchased.

[38:36]

The congregation managed to continue payment while being interned, concentration camped, at the various relocation camps during World War II. The current building was completed and dedicated in April of 1984. Reverend Isobe Holson founded the temple in 1934. And I kind of wanted to call that out because this is Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month. People know that. In fact, there's a festival today at Civic Center. So... I've categorized practice into three parts. Container, content, context. Kind of just give it a frame, but you know, this isn't a progression, mind you. It is in that we start out going through all our stuff, and then we're gonna get to enlightenment and oneness, and we'll love all the George Bushes in our life.

[39:46]

And sometimes the back and forth. But really, what's more important is, are you flexible? Am I flexible? If the occasion calls for this body, this heart, this mind, this skin color, whatever, then can I be that fully? And when it's time to let that go, can I let that go? And then come back when it's necessary. And the same with you. Sometimes it seems harder to do that to myself, but it's harder to think that of you often. So we keep coming back to the cushion, to this body, this heart, this mind. And we don't really have to find an authentic self. Because our practice is to be with this self, this body, this heart, this mind, as a self and the context it's in, which is this life.

[41:02]

So it's the effort we make, which perhaps is where we should put the judgment of authentic or not. Suzuki Roshi, when he talks about Dogen's understanding of Buddha nature, says that only when something appears is its nature there. So nature and things themselves are two names of one reality. Only when I meet something else or you meet something else is yours and that thing nature there so here's the entirety of true zen very small section Suzuki Roshi said with a little addition by me if you want to meditate

[42:16]

you must have instruction from a right teacher, especially when you want to meditate at home. It will take at least six months before you get your own right posture. Everyone has their own right posture, but without instructions, you cannot find it. And this just means you can't do it yourself, and you don't need to do it yourself. For it to be your True posture, there must be spirit, which is called essence of mind. Without spirit, it cannot be your own. So we say, again with my addition, when you become yourself, the jerk I always was, then Zen becomes Zen. Thank you for your... For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[43:37]

May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

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