It's really special, I feel, to be back in the zendo together. For me, it's the first time in a long time back on this seat with you all. This wonderful altar and this wonderful space that we cherish and nourish together. Really enjoyed our sitting and service this morning. Thank you all. So this one-day sitting was scheduled in concert with the one-day sitting offered at City Center and the online temple with the idea that we would all be sitting together.

[02:05]

And due to various causes and conditions, a very long story, we have a situation where we here are practicing together in the zendo, and Fu is up at her house leading a one-day sitting. for City Center and the online Zendo. So as we sit and walk today and even now, as we turn the Dharma together to know that the whole Sangha is sitting today. So I don't know how it was for you this morning to sit. Of course, sometimes Zazen is just the best. You know, sometimes Zazen feels really great. And sometimes it's a little bit more murky, cloudy, slimy.

[03:06]

Sometimes we're right on our seat. Have this feeling you may have sometimes of being rooted in the earth and as Suzuki Roshi says, holding up the sky. And then sometimes we just can't find our spine. I'm sure it's in there. It must be in there. But I can't find it. We can't find our breath and can't really open to the sound, the feeling, the sensation. Can't find, you know, this teaching that I keep turning. Can't find sometimes the feeling that we have to share. with the room around us. And we can't sometimes find the feeling in the room around us to share in. So in this long year and a half, since last being here on this seat, I want to share with you all, maybe appreciate and acknowledge and inquire with you

[04:18]

by saying that generally in these months, I have found myself on the shakier side of that Zazen possibility continuum. A little more murky than pillar-like holding the sky. And I don't know if that's true for you. It's just been sort of hard to find my seat. And like all of you, I've mostly stayed with it, stayed at it, finding that I do trust this practice even when it doesn't seem to be working, even when it doesn't seem to be giving me what I want. Not getting the feeling that I want out of Zazen or it's not working in the way I think or the book said or the teacher told me it would work.

[05:26]

And yet I find this trust sometimes can access this, this trust, you know, which manifests as just coming back, just coming back again and again. And I know that many of you, maybe all of you also have this kind of trust in Zazen. this commitment to just keep coming back. We really, as you know, we really value this kind of spirit, this kind of attitude in our practice here. So whether we find our seat or not, any given day or any given year, the point is we keep looking for it. We keep coming back, keep making this effort. So when we feel like we're sailing,

[06:28]

we just enjoy that and trust that there's some merit there, maybe feel the merit and value of that. And also when it's really choppy, we can still trust it. We nourish our faith that there is some kind of deep growth, some underground maturing as we look for our life and reach to recover and reconnect. So we don't, fortunately, we don't really need to decide or know or say which one is better and which one is worse. You know, is it better to be looking or is it better to find? We can't really say. We don't really know. We don't need to weigh in. In fact, is it better to be struggling in practice or to be deep in the groove of practice? We don't need to say anything. Mel, our dear late teacher, Mel Weitzman, was good at encouraging people not to fall into this idea.

[07:44]

He would say, in many different ways, encourage us to not think that the person having an easy time of practice is doing better practice or even having a better time, really. It's just not like that. wherever we are in the struggling or sailing, wherever we are in that, it can be practice. Our effort in these conditions, in the conditions of our life now, the effort we make now is the value, and it has total value, has practice, the practice that is the manifestation of enlightenment. So with some of you earlier this summer, we were studying the Jiao Zhiguan, the Small Stopping and Contemplation, a short meditation manual from our 6th century Tiantai Buddhist forebear, Zhuri.

[09:06]

And before he gives the instructions for the concentration and wisdom practices that are the heart of the text, he offers what he considers to be the vital preparatory practices, preparatory instructions. And these instructions find their way into our own teaching, our own school, through Dogen's Fukanzazengi, which we chanted this morning. So to prepare for Zazen, before we even start... taking care of our posture or our breath, he tells us first to remember our vow to liberate all sentient beings. So this is like the preliminary point of preparation, is to remember this vow, to remember that we are sitting because of the suffering of the world, the suffering inside, the suffering outside, all of it.

[10:13]

That's the motivation. That's the cause of our sitting. We're sitting as a response to the suffering of the world. We're sitting to become the Buddha way for the benefit and liberation of all being. We bring this to mind. We remember this truth as we sit. This is his encouragement at least. This is the foundation of our practice, that vow, that understanding. So then to make space for true zazen practice, there are some further preparatory aspects or instruction. One is to uphold precepts and be honest about our mistakes and shortcomings. Another is having appropriate food and clothing.

[11:15]

Another is having a good place to sit, appropriate, quiet, sheltered place to sit. It's also vital to have the presence of good friends in the Dharma. And then there's this fifth one that really caught me as I read the text. This is the vital preparatory practice. of ceasing all mundane responsibilities or putting all responsibilities to rest. Putting all responsibilities to rest. So if we want to sit zazen, we need to put all of our responsibilities to rest. So reading this, I thought, oh, That's my problem. This is the problem.

[12:20]

This is why I can't find my seat. This is the great acupuncture point for me. And I wanted to say a little bit about that in hopes that there's some resonance for you two in some way for your sitting practice. So through the lens of this teaching, it's clear to me that on the days generally when I can't find my seat, it's not that I'm having trouble sitting zazen. It's that I haven't really started to sit zazen. I haven't prepared. I'm not getting prepared and I'm not staying prepared to sit zazen. So what are the aspects of the preparation? Well, precepts. How's my precept practice? Could be better, but I have some connection. I feel connected to precepts. How about my eating?

[13:22]

Could be better, this great gift of nourishing food here every day, completely cared for in that way. And my eating habits are okay. What about the sitting space? What could be better? Where could be better to sit than this old hall, especially this year? The quiet, the quiet. I just want to shout at how quiet it's been. This year, I feel I'm missing it, missing this quiet for decades. The millions and billions of complaints about how it's not quiet enough. And this year, nobody, nobody is here. It's so quiet. It's Saturday. So I can't fault the space.

[14:28]

I'm blessed to have wonderful robes. My clothing is appropriate. They're the right weight for this climate. Not too hot, not too cold. And as for Dharma friends, I'm surrounded, completely bathed in the presence of you all, these truly, truly good Dharma friends. But this last one, putting all responsibilities to rest, is an ongoing challenge. I don't seem to be able to sustain this piece of the preparation, So, of course, the deeper layers of zazen have been reluctant to reveal themselves. It's like trying to plant some vegetables in ground that hasn't been prepared properly. There might be some miracle, you know, and something grows anyway.

[15:34]

But if it doesn't grow, we kind of know why. The ground wasn't prepared. So in his comments on putting all responsibilities to rest, he categorizes these responsibilities and commitments which should be put to rest during Zazen as our work or livelihood. putting to rest our work or livelihood, our social relationships, our creative endeavors, and our intellectual endeavors, including our great dharma thoughts. So there are, of course, many teachings about zazen, and they differ, different...

[16:41]

Teachings have different emphasis and include or encourage different directions in practice. But this teaching, you know, without holding to it too rigidly, I think has a great deal to offer to me and maybe to you too. This is a teaching that insists that Zazen is not the time for taking care of our life circumstances really in any way. It's not the time for designing our future. It's not the time for analyzing our relationships. It's not the time to do any work of any kind or prepare for any work of any kind. Many of us have done our best work in Zazen. You know, you solve that plumbing problem. There's the map. There's what we need to do. We prepare.

[17:41]

Zazen is not the time for any of that. It's not the time for any work or any preparation for work. It's not the time to make anything. It's not the time to write a poem. It's not the time to solve a mental puzzle or even an existential question. And it's not even the time to reflect on the lessons that we've learned in Zazen or in our study of the Buddha Dharma. Zazen is not the time to tend to, or much less ruminate about, any of our responsibilities to the temple, to our projects, to each other, to our families and friends. Rather, zazen is the time to let all of that be at rest, to suspend all of those responsibilities and burdens and opportunities. as Dogen puts it in the phrase we read this morning, very familiar to many of us, cast aside all involvements and cease all affairs.

[18:53]

So no wonder, you know. So we may object. Some part of us may object. I hope some part of us object because our responsibilities and our involvements and our duties and our caring for things, our many affairs have their place. They are our work as bodhisattvas. This is a Mahayana text that I'm sharing from and our tradition is Mahayana practice. So we really do value this being engaged in the world and allowing ourselves to get complicated and confused and mixed up and involved in the messy and needy and suffering world. So I hope that it's clear to all of us that putting all mundane responsibilities to rest is not in any way the ultimate goal of our practice.

[20:10]

Even in the same text, Juri notes that to have a physical body and a bodhisattva vow absolutely means that we will be in the mud, we'll be moving through the world needing to be involved in complexity and take on responsibility. We look at our fundamental teachings, the paramitas or the precepts. These are exactly about how we are involved. how to navigate the busyness and the responsibilities and the involvements. There's no idea that we will have eliminated them. But zazen itself, these relatively few hours that we have in a lifetime for this deliberate practice of sitting in meditation, sitting zen, That's different time.

[21:15]

It's different. It's special. And we don't get much of it. I want to emphasize that because it's alive for me today, the preciousness of this sitting practice and this question of like, how much zazen do I get? How much zazen will I get in my life? I don't think I'm going to get enough Zazen. We just don't have that many hours in our life to sit Zazen. Knowing this, we can remember that they aren't to be taken for granted. Even if somehow we could manage to sit a lot of Zazen, arrange our life, as some people do, to sit sashin after sashin, there's still, it doesn't add up to so much.

[22:18]

There's just not so much time to sit. And even more so, since we probably aren't going to arrange our life, you know, to sit sashin after sashin after sashin. There's a limit to how many one-day sittings we get, to how many periods of morning zazen we get. Each one is so precious, so special, and so easy to take for granted, especially, you know, when it's required. It's also, of course, true, as many of our teachings indicate, that we don't know when will be our last period of Zazen. It's unlikely that we'll sit down one day and say, this is my final period. I know there are some stories like that. But in some of those stories, it turns out not to be. We don't know, you know.

[23:20]

What will be the last time, you know, the last time I put on my robe? I don't know. And I don't think I'll know. I think of our many teachers who have died recently. They don't know if they knew, you know. This is the last period of Zazen. This is the last time I'll wear a Buddha's robe. So I'm feeling called to really treasure zazen. And to really treasure the specialness of zazen is to cast aside these involvements, put all of these responsibilities to rest, and just fully engage in the unique, special opportunity of zazen. As the vital source of the energy and stability and wisdom and compassion that I need in order to meet and care for the many involvements and affairs and responsibilities to transform all of this wholesome

[24:38]

work from just like dualistic stressed out hard work into actual purified bodhisattva beneficial practice in order to find that ground in order to do that this teaching is that we need to put it all aside entirely and engage in zazen so we cast aside all affairs put all the responsibilities to rest And then we find some ground. That's the invitation or the offer or the proposal. Then we can find some ground from which we actually can take care of these many things. So with this kind of attitude, with this kind of understanding about the role of zazen in our life, We can come to know and really trust that putting to rest or casting aside or ceasing all affairs isn't avoiding our bodhisattva vow.

[25:46]

It's not getting out of something. It won't be used. We won't use it as a bypass or a cover or an excuse for not facing something that needs to be faced. An excuse to push away something that's actually calling for care and compassion. This teaching is nothing like that. To practice shikantaza is to do the work of finding this deep ground for our life. And then to meet our feelings and thoughts and the swirl of responsibilities and involvements and preoccupations, to meet them just as they are from that ground. That is in no way the same as just swirling in our feelings and thoughts and preoccupation. So many of us have this. idea of wanting to be really open to our thoughts and feelings and preoccupations because that's Shikantaza.

[26:47]

And what I'm noticing in analyzing my sitting practice is like the failure to remember that actual Shikantaza is to dig under that into some deep ground from which we can then truly receive and truly care for all of that. Spinning is not caring for. Ruminating is not caring for. So putting aside all involvements and ceasing all affairs as we sit today. This is, in Dogen's word, an excellent method for digging down to that deep ground where Shikantaza can become real for us in our body and not just an idea.

[27:56]

This is a subtle, the subtle point, and it's easy to get wrong, and it's easy to worry about getting it wrong. or worry that someone else is going to get it wrong. But I think it's still worthwhile to check this out, to take the leap, you know, and try for ourselves. Can we put it down? Can we put it to rest? Can we cast it aside and just sit here? I like how Fu put it the other day. Our practice is big mind welcoming small mind. Big mind welcoming small mind. Wonderful teaching. It's absolutely different from small mind just breaking all the furniture. And it's absolutely different from big mind kicking out or replacing small mind. It's big mind welcoming small mind. And this requires right effort.

[29:32]

This calls for right effort. We try to push things away, you know, they just come right back. If we, you know, demand that something rests, put the baby to sleep. not so easy, you know. We can't demand that the affairs and involvements go away or go to rest. There's right effort. I was talking to a friend recently, a Sangha member who teaches young kids and in reflecting on how hard it was, how hard it is generally for us not to do something. She gave the example of working with her class. So at first when she started, she would say things like, I'm going to pass out this paper, but when you get it, don't write anything on it.

[30:39]

And that did not work because they have a pen and a paper and it's hard to not do, it's not enough. So now what she does is says something like, I'm going to pass out the paper. When you get it, put your hands in the air so I know that you got it. gives them something to do instead of something not to do. Wonderful. And true for us, too. The real point, you know, isn't what's being put aside, it's what's calling, what's being revealed underneath that. So what do you want to do in Zazen instead of spinning around in the more or less worthwhile involvements and affairs? What instead is the call of this precious day in the zendo? What is your zazen calling you to?

[31:43]

And then it becomes easier you know then it's from this great longing and great connection with this deep part of ourselves that these involvements are put aside so I'm feeling called to recover a practice of concentration of sensitivity to the breath instead of to feel, as Drury recommends, to feel into the quality of the breath, the subtlety or coarseness of the breath.

[32:47]

What grade of sandpaper is this breath? Coarse or fine? feeling the call instead of swirling and spinning and worrying and taking care of my ideas about what I have to take care of to instead be still and let my minds clear and settle and to share this feeling of life with what's around me all of you in this room and to share in your feeling, this room's feeling. And I'm feeling called to stay really vigilant. You know, from the wisdom, hard-earned from this year and a half of mostly failure, to really stay vigilant, to notice and to label, to name,

[34:00]

Affairs and involvements and responsibilities. You know, it's so clear that my intention is to put aside all involvements and cease all affairs, to put the responsibilities to rest. With the clarity of that intention, you know, just to notice is really enough. You may find that too. In the light of some awareness, like, this seems like spinning. Are you involved in something? Is this really taking care? Would you call this putting aside, would you call this responsibilities at rest? Just to name it, just to note it in light of this intention is generally enough. But, you know, but I need to take care of this.

[35:03]

Only I can solve this plumbing problem. Only I can figure out what to say to my mom. You know, I need to. It's my caring. And to remind myself to know the source of the caring will be nourished by my sincere practice of zazen right now, which is putting that aside. Zazen is not the time for any of that work. put aside all involvements, cease all affairs, put all responsibilities to rest. And when I recover my breath, when I recover this feeling of life, this stillness and silence, then the ground opens. That ground is open, you know, there's no work like putting responsibilities to rest or casting aside all involvement.

[36:13]

Once we can manage to ground in that deeper layer, there's nowhere that we would cast anything to. Everything is already put to rest. And we may find that there's just this stillness and the sound and sensation and light and just this inconceivable being alive. So as we move into now several hours of sitting and walking together, I will be keeping in mind and invite you if you'd like to keep in mind this question, what am I involved in?

[37:44]

Is this taking care really or just spinning? What is it really time for today? How do I really want to spend this day? What is this zazen asking of me? Maybe, most simply put, that's what zazen practice is. Zazen practice, just asking zazen. What is zazen asking of me? And maybe it's not anything like what I'm saying. Maybe it's not what Jiri Zazen asked of him or Dogen Zazen asked of him or anyone else's. What is your Zazen asking of you? So let's please sit with sincerity and deep intention today, fully aware of the preciousness of our time, the rareness of zazen, the limited chances we have and will have to practice zazen.

[39:23]

Just sitting here together, casting aside whatever is inessential for today and listening for that true call of zazen. Thank you for your kind attention and sincere practice today. We remember always and with our body and heart and mind that this practice is offered for the liberation and well-being of sentient beings. So we offer our practice today in the spirit. And let's please put on our masks and offer the dedication verse.

[40:24]

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