This podcast is offered by San Francisco's Zen Center on the web at sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. So thank you, Matt, for the introduction. As I said, my name is Hakusho. I practice at San Francisco Zen Center in residence for the better part of 14 years and just slept last year and now living in South Beach. Southeastern Vermont in Brattleboro. Started a little group here. Yeah, it's great to see some familiar faces and names on the screen. It's going to be back. My heart tonight is with many, many, many residents in New Orleans currently struggling in the aftermath of Hurricane Ida without power and water and some real heat.

[01:09]

And also with those of you in California impacted by the fires and the direct or indirectly, there's been others. impacted by extreme weather conditions this summer. For sure, we had a tropical storm Henry coming through here in Europe. It's been a lot of rain and flooding, too. So I think whether we're directly impacted by these extreme weather conditions or other stress factors in the world right now, or not, I think we're all feeling the sort of the impact, the stress that's in regard and then coming together. This is really good medicine, these kind of situations.

[02:13]

So my talk tonight isn't meant to address climate change or the causes of it. My topic is focused around a recent experience I had of sitting silently and still for a few hours for what had been the first time in a little while recently and how I'm trying to integrate this experience into my everyday practice. And now perhaps somewhat like human-induced climate change, knowing what is off and harmful, in a practice doesn't automatically fix it. Diagnosing the disease is important, and applying the cure can be its own challenge. So just a couple of weeks ago,

[03:21]

with the Battle Boroughs and Central, we had our first half-day sitting, sitting together over Zoom. We just started sitting in person when we went back to Zoom, with rising numbers of COVID infections. So we sat together for a Saturday morning, and as someone who has sat thousands of periods probably of Sassen in my life, I was surprised by how uncomfortable this experience was for me for a big part of the morning, actually, especially with a schedule that was relatively gentle. And in particular, there was this relentless restlessness, physical and mental. And it went on for several periods.

[04:22]

It reminded me of when I first started sitting. And I would find it incredibly difficult to sit still, even for shorter periods of time. I feel fortunate that I, at that time, my practice, that early time, somehow seemed to have been convinced enough that this was something I should persist with, even through difficulty. And also that on the other hand, I was not sure from where, but I was gentle enough with myself to just initially just limited my sitting to 10 to 15 minutes. So yeah, I sort of built up some stamina. I could gradually increase. So I'm sharing this, I think, because I want to say to anyone who's new, meditation and is finding it challenging. The fact that finding it challenging is not necessarily an indication this is not for you.

[05:27]

In fact, it may actually be an indication that this might be really good for you. At least this was the case for me. And also the recommendation to be, I think, being firm but gentle is the way. So in the case of our half day sitting a few weeks ago, my own restlessness didn't give rise to doubt about whether this practice was for me or not. If there's one thing I feel I might have gained from years of Zen practice, I think it's been the space that this is a really good practice for me and I believe for many others too. And also that it is when there's a part of me that doesn't really want to do it, that it's particularly important for me to show up as fully as I can for my practice and my experience.

[06:43]

So for our morning sitting, I got to stay practicing with his restlessness and it was in my body and in my mind and to sit with it and familiarize myself with this particular form of it. And eventually by the last period of sitting of the morning, my body began to relax. My mind was resisting stillness anymore. And at the end of it, I felt it's a little more like the experience I perhaps had been focused for going into this sitting. It felt pretty good. So it was tempting to just leave those memories of less than pleasant periods of Zazen behind me. But I felt they had They've been telling me something important.

[07:49]

And while I sit with the group here five mornings a week, this had been, as I mentioned, the first time in several months that I sat a half day or longer, maybe four or five months maybe. It seemed clear, however, that the restlessness wasn't simply stemming from the fact that I had not been sitting that much for a while, that this amount of sitting was now unusual for me. Rather, what rank truer for me was that for some time, my off-the-cushion practice had been filled with restlessness And that I had, for this time, in many ways, allowed that restlessness to perpetuate itself.

[08:57]

So after doing our morning program of Zasen and the simplified service that we do at the end of it, I think for most of the rest of most days, I had been going about my life in a rather disembodied, busy, restless, anxious kind of way. And I feel that what I got to see in Zausen was a state of mind and body that had become all too comment during these last few months. I kind of knew it. It was there. I hadn't really taken a good look at it. I don't think I'd have the courage to actually. And I could see it most clearly in the sort of the increasingly addictive quality that my

[10:14]

computer and my phone seemed to have for me. The tendency in those moments, between other moments, between other chores, when there's that sort of space that you could do something with. When I a choice was presented, I might have taken a step back from what I had previously been engaged in. And instead, I sort of followed the impulse to cram in news, sports, or just email checking, those spaces and so forth, just to get away from the sort of underlying feeling of this disease.

[11:16]

It seemed what ranked you during that sitting was like this state that I'm experiencing right now is a reflection of an underlying restlessness and anxiety that I've been pushing away. I guess this is speculation. I can speculate sort of the causes of this, but I think the pandemic has certainly been part of it. For the first part of it, I was a lot of fortunate to spend in community versus city center and then the art monastery community here in Vermont. So it was surrounded by a practice community.

[12:20]

And so sort of the second part, since about the beginning of the year, my wife and I have been living in our own apartment in a new part of the country to us. So I think I've experienced kind of the isolation that many others have experienced during these times. And sort of the busyness and having something to sort of grasp with my mind for much of my day might have become sort of a coping mechanism to find myself in this new situation no longer regulated by Sangha. So as I'm looking at these sort of habits now, just noticing the moments in my life when there is that little choice and the little impetus to bring my mind outside, away from myself in some way.

[13:38]

What I'm finding is Sometimes it's actually incredibly easy. And all I need to do is actually remember not to do what I'm inclined to do. And there can be a certain piece that appears right away. One of the... traditional instructions for how to deal with restlessness, I believe, is to say that restlessness is perpetuated by an unwisely tending to restlessness. Whereas the antidote is to have that wisely tending to the quiet mind.

[14:43]

Something along those lines seems to suggest that actually there might be two minds available to us. So at some moments, I feel like stepping into that is just not following that habit. And I can immediately appreciate the spaciousness of not keeping myself busy. And at other times, it's much more like swimming against the stream. And in those moments, I think the best I can do is just to try to remember what I believe to be true, the teachings of what is actually What is true freedom from suffering, I guess?

[15:50]

How might that be expressed at this moment? What step is needed right now, even if there's not some immediate result in ease? At least, can I be with what is? So we might come to practice meditation with a real desire to change our lives. And I totally believe that the practice of Zasana can do so.

[16:52]

Though it really seems to help if we can accept that we don't get to decide. how it's going to impact our lives. If we can let ourselves be changed by the practice, change will happen. And I also think that the opposite is just as true. It's how we live our lives when not sitting on the cushion, which will have a real significant impact on our practice when we're on the vision. The point I'm trying to make here is that the practice of Zasana can provide a mirror of our everyday life and our everyday mind. It can show us our habit energies that are at play when we're not

[18:00]

on the cushion. And they will show up on the cushion as well soon enough if we sit still. A little bit and maybe sometimes a little bit longer than we usually do. And then if something is off in our meditation practice, if it feels like it is lacking in some particular way, It might suggest there's something in how we carry ourselves through the rest of our day that we might consider refining a little bit. As in the case of the restlessness, are there ways that we might be perpetuating a mental state instead of looking at it, stopping and taking inventory?

[19:01]

And is there anything extra in our life that we're holding onto, but which isn't serving us? What are we willing to let go of? How might we unconsciously be resisting? the practice to work on us by bringing ourselves away from ourselves. We might think that in order to be practicing We either need to radically change our life to set off for the monastery, see our worldly affairs.

[20:16]

And if we can't do that, we can't truly practice. That option isn't open to us. Or we might have an idea that we really should be able to practice just in our life as it is right now without changing anything. If we're not, it's sort of our fault in some way. I think while some moments of sort of radical change might be necessary, going to the monastery or leaving the monastery. No matter where we are in our practice, for most of our practice life, the best place to practice is probably somewhere in the middle of these two.

[21:25]

It's not necessary to tear everything up in order to find some true practice. But also going about our lives just in the same old way might not produce this sort of fresh and spacious mind, wish to fully engage and look at ourselves either. What are the little places in our lives where we're just acting out our habits? This might be an old coping mechanism that's served us at some point, perhaps, or at least we thought so.

[22:34]

but it's all it's really doing. It's bringing us away from ourselves in some way. So can we find those spaces and are we willing to look at them and to at least experiment, sort of engage with a spirit of experimentation of what might it be to not do this thing that I always do and what might it be to do a little less than what I usually do. What are the moments in my day when I... Taking the backwards step, as our Japanese ancestor says.

[23:41]

What moments are available after Christian for me when I can actually take a backwards step? Tune into my breath, my body. Notice what's going on in my chest, which is where a lot of the emotional life takes place. see if there's anything I'm trying to run away from. So, those were my thoughts I wanted to share with you tonight. A few minutes shorter than I thought, but that means that I think a little more space for discussion if anybody has anything you want to bring.

[24:42]

Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, please visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we all fully enjoy the Dharma.

[25:07]

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