This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning, everyone. Thank you very much for inviting me today. group of Sangha or any assembly. It's not something that I do easily. I'm not a public speaker, I don't think. But that does not mean that I don't have the obligation to keep my vow to speak of the Dharma when asked. What I wanted to talk about today, or what I'm going to attempt to talk about today, comes from my suddenly picking up the Bendojo for some reason.

[01:19]

I've picked it up. It's... Dogen's, the model for engaging the way. Which is different than the . It's kind of, it's part of the , and I'm using the translation, the latent Okamura translation that I'm particularly fond of. and I'm not exactly sure how I should phrase this or how I should talk about this, but I just recently left my temple back about a few months ago.

[02:23]

And I have been a resident in temple for over 10 years. And during that 10 years, I did my monastic practice here and there, as well as with my teacher, Tejo Munic, at the temple. And so there's some nostalgia here for that life because right now I'm living in New York City with family because of the COVID restrictions, it's very difficult to connect with a sangha except for on screen. And for most of my practice, most of my ordained practice, I have never been outside of community, small or large community.

[03:27]

I've always been within, always in that container. So right now it's very strange for me to be out here. Blowing in the wind, sort of, you know, without a schedule except for, you know, some little construct that I've made for myself to get through the day. So it feels very strange. So when I was going through looking for something to talk about, And I came across the window hole, which is kind of, in a sense, it's kind of dry. Because it's Dogen talking to his moms, telling them, you know, how to do this during the day. How to wash your face. How to get up in the morning. What to do with your robe. When this bell rings you to this. You know, that sort of thing. It's about form.

[04:30]

And as we say, you know, every morning, form is emptiness. Emptiness is form. The form itself is empty. And even when I read the Bendo Hall, you know, Dogen's form, forms, you know, change depending upon basically what building you do them in. what time and place you're at. But the forms, though they're empty of themselves, they are a way for us to practice what is truly important. There's a part in the forward and Please excuse me. I'm going to be pulling from this text seemingly at random.

[05:37]

And the reason why it seems at random, well, no, I'm not even going to explain that. It's seemingly at random, but it all points towards the same thing in my mind or in my heart. So indulging. In the foreword to this version of the Ehe Shingi, Iko Narasaki Roshi writes, with everything you encounter without separating self and others, become one with that thing with your whole body and mind, dealing with it most thoroughly. Dogen Zenji called this, I have a hard time with the Japanese, Jijuyu Sanmai, samadhi or concentration with self-performance. This Jijuyusanmai is the criterion of the correctly transmitted Buddha way. The Shingyi, or pure standards, accurately show us how to carry out fully Jijuyusanmai with our body and mind throughout all the activities of monastic life, including Zazen and Kenhin, as well as washing the face, using the toilet, putting on robes, eating meals, doing prostrations,

[07:01]

reciting sutras, sleeping, waking up, and so on. Since all of our activities within the 24 hours, our practice of the Buddha way, embodying this Jiju Zama, that is the criterion of the Buddha way, is truly difficult. And it's the highest priority. So to live based on shingi is extremely important. So in my experience, for me, what mastic life is training on how to be, it's really hard to be a monastic these days. The level of renunciation is almost undoable in this culture.

[08:02]

And this sort of culture where the material is so prominent. Everything centers around, you know, having something, earning something, getting something, achieving something. It's hard to walk away from our jobs, from our families, from our responsibilities, from the things we want to achieve in order, even for a few months, in order to go live somewhere outside of that system, basically with strangers. And our Western ideas of privacy and... expectations of having personal space and all that conflict completely with certain versions of monastic lives, particularly the traditional.

[09:19]

So it's really hard to do. On top of that, because of the way we live, many of us come to practice at a time in our lives when We've already made some decisions. We've already made some responsibilities that are not easy to step away from. Most of us, myself, I didn't come to this until I was almost 30 years old. And I didn't get to monastic practice until I was in my 40s. Right now, for the last few years, I've lived pretty much in the temple life. And temple life is different than monasticism, at least for me it has been.

[10:23]

Temple life doesn't have as strict a schedule. relentless a schedule as my experience of monasticism has had. And I'm sure that all of you know what that means. So in my mind, I haven't really been a monk since the last time I was in the monastery, which might have been 2016 or 2015, can't remember when I was last out at Ramon. Not that temple life doesn't have discipline, but it's a different discipline. And it's a discipline that you, in order to keep the temple running, you got to step out of it every once in a while in order to do what's needed to be done.

[11:26]

And I don't know if that's the same for all temples and all monasteries, but that's how it's been for me. What, as I said, I have a nostalgia right now for temple life, for monastic life. But that's not to say, you know, I have romanticized it. It's nothing romantic about it. It's very hard. It's very difficult. That schedule is a bear in some places. And there's a lot of physical to it. I think what my experience in monastic life has taught me is that This practice is not an intellectual exercise.

[12:30]

It's very much a body and mind practice. And that was driven home to me. And I've come to really appreciate and value that over the book reading. so on and the talking. And speaking of getting up in the morning, Bilgin writes, stay at your seat for a while. And what he's describing is, if you don't know already, in the traditional temple, the monks sleep in the soto, and they sleep on the tans.

[13:40]

And so they're getting up in the morning in the soto. Stay at your seat for a while. Cover yourself with your quilt. and do zazen on your kusapfu. Strictly avoid shutting your eyes, which will bring forth drowsiness. If you repeatedly open up, flutter your eyes, a faint breeze will enter them, and you will easily be aroused from your sluggishness. Never forget that passing away occurs swiftly, and you have not yet clarified the conduct of the way. Do not distract the assembly by stretching, yawning, sighing, or fanning yourself. in general, always arouse respect for the assembly. Never disdain or ridicule the great assembly. So from the moment you get up in monastic life until you lay your head back down, you are with the assembly.

[14:51]

One of the things that, you know, and somebody recently used this word and gave me this word for it, of being, one of the uses of being in communal living in this way is accountability and respect for those we are living with. This is not something that is, you know, we can only learn it in monastic practice. We know this. We have to do this every day in our regular lives when we're going to work, when we're dealing with our family, when you're on the bus. Respect and accountability to the people that we are with. So when you get up in the morning from the get-go, it's not about you. From the get-go, you have to be aware of and careful with the folks that are around you.

[16:07]

I didn't sleep in the monastery. We were always in these rooms, eight to a room. Not very big room either. Sleeping face to face. Head to foot. You know. Right in each other's grill. Right up. Right up against each other. Always. You get up to go to the bathroom. And you are walking through a maze of bodies. Gingerly. Trying not to wake your fellow. practitioners who are just as tired as you are, who had a long, long day. Honestere days can be very long, from three in the morning to night at night, some kind of model. And always being aware of that.

[17:14]

The careful care of each other. And respect. for each other's bodies, each other's feelings, each other's needs. Like I said, we don't have to be in the monastery to learn that. But in the monastery, it's right in your face every single moment. And I think that's the difference between monastic life and the lay life for most people. most people. In this world, there are people who are living like that, who are living tend to a room because that's what they have, one room. And having to share and be careful with each other.

[18:20]

These days, we're having trouble just wearing a mask in public. for whatever reason. Even that little bit of care comes hard to some. It goes on. It goes on. Properly clean your eyes, your nostrils, around your ears, and your mouth until they are clean. Do not waste lots of hot water by using it immoderately. When rinsing your mouth, spit out the water outside your basin. Wash your face with your body bent and head low, not standing straight so that you do not splash water in your neighbor's basin.

[19:26]

With both hands, scoop up hot water and wash your face. removing all grime. If there is a communal towel, you may use it. Do not make noise with your ladle and basin or make sounds while gargling that may startle or disturb the pure assembly. In ancient times, it was said, washing your face during the fifth wash is fundamentally for the sake of practice. How could you spit loudly or rattle your basin to make noise in the hall and disturb the mounts? Like I said, the bend a hole goes into these little details. How to wash your face. We put a lot of emphasis on our own freedoms. Our individual freedoms in this culture.

[20:28]

But I challenge that Some of us don't even really know what freedom is. We have so many choices. We have so many ways to do things. In my mind, I've spent so much, wasted so much time just trying to make choices about things that, you know, as soon as the choice is made and the deed is done, It's forgotten. But even if it was just five minutes, you know, deciding whether it's strawberry or chocolate, you know, instead of just picking up and nourishing myself. One of the things that's really hard and that was really hard in the monastery for me was food and worrying about, you know, I was,

[21:34]

Tenzo at Great Tree for years and years and years. Worrying about what to cook and what not to cook and who to feed this and good food and this and that. And all that's important. Nobody wants to make anybody sick. That's the Tenzo's job to figure out what the assembly needs. And that's a whole other part of the Shingi as well. The Tenzo Pyokum. We won't go there. But as the one receiving the Tenzo's, the Tenzo's compassion. Not ever having to think of, you know, what I'm going to eat that day. To eat whatever's set in front of you, you know. with the understanding that that is set forth for you with compassion and with care.

[22:40]

And to eat that appreciatively. And it's not about whether you like it or not. And it's about enjoying, finding, well not enjoying, finding joy in the receiving of that person's efforts. not because it tastes good, but because it's there for the benefit of beings, this being. And to be able to do that for others as well, whether it's giving them food or fixing them food, serving the food, cleaning up, taking care of the temple, And keeping it clean. All of those things. As part of your daily practice.

[23:41]

Not because you have to. I always joke. The temple gate is always open. You can always walk. But to stay. And. Participate. In that taking care. as uncomfortable as it may be, as stinky as it may be, when your hands are chapped from the cold water that you have to wash the dishes in, when things are not perfect, and you're responsible for taking care even in this imperfect system. That's practice. So it's interesting to use the word free in a situation where you have no control over it at all, except to do or not to do.

[24:59]

That brings me back to the schedule. And also accountability. In my experience of monastic life, we were assigned to girls or teams that took care of certain things or certain parts of the monastery. And in a training that those teams for us changed every week or every few days. So one week, you'd be the Tenzo Ryo or the kitchen crew. Next week, you'd be the Inno Ryo or the, you know, I'm sorry, the Inno Ryo. I can't remember that name of the Ryo right now, but the Ryo that takes care of the Soto or the Ryo that takes care of the Hato, of the Buddha Hall, or the Ryo that cleans the bathrooms and all of that, you know, it just switches around and around so that the responsibility and the training of how to do things continues to happen for everyone.

[26:24]

And, you know, the way things go, sometimes things are not done perfectly, but you're always accountable. We know that if one morning a bell doesn't ring, the world is not going to end. But as the person that has to ring that bell and has to be there on time and has to show up, and it's not just showing up, it's doing it as correctly as possible. We just heard the den show, and the den show is that signal that that tells you to come to the Dharma Hall for various different things and getting that sequence as correct as possible so that the monks that are out there in the field or in the kitchen or cleaning up somewhere in the garden, when they hear that or hear that signal, whether it's Densho or Han or whatever, they know what it means.

[27:41]

It's, you know, communication and getting that as right as possible so that other people can do what they need to do. It's not just you hitting that Han. It's you communicating to your fellow monks that it's time to move in a different direction. And if you miss that bell, you know, You throw the whole schedule off for everybody for the rest of the day. Because they're listening for you. And they're depending upon you to get it right as you possibly can. Even though the world won't end. Even though it's, you know, because it's not about you. It's never about you. So I don't want to take up too much time with all this, but let me just go one more.

[28:46]

I'm sorry. When you fold up your ocasa, do not stand on your seat and hold the edge of the ocasa in your mouth. Do not hold up the ocasa and shake it vigorously. Also, when you fold it, do not step on the ocasa or hold it under your chin. Do not touch the ocasa with wet hands or leave it on Manjushri's altar or on the ends of the long platforms. Do not sit on the edges of the ocasa. spread out, and press down underneath you. Always watch to make sure that the ocasa is arranged neatly. When you want to put on the ocasa, first gashou towards it.

[29:48]

After you put down the ocasa, the usual custom is to raise your hands in gashou. You should know these practices for taking care of the ocasa. During zazen, do not wear the ocasa when you leave your place or go outside the hall. In the monastery, we had to jump off our tans, you know, at the end of morning zazen and get our robes on correctly. Well, you get your robe on first and then you get off the tans. And also put on your, what are the boobies called? I can't think of it right now. And put on your, there's foot coverings that you have to put on. You know, if you have arthritic hands, it's really hard to get those little tabs into the, into the fasten, get them fastened, is what I'm trying to say.

[30:59]

So I'd get to the hall behind all the other nuns there, trying my best to keep my robe together and get these, booties on without getting them filthy, you know, and getting them, you know, fastened up correctly. And so I'd always end up there. And one of the things that, you know, you'd see when you, when I was in the monastery, when I'd seen the monastery, is this row of perfectly dressed women, perfectly robes on and all that. And what I also see is as they're standing in line, you know, one person might be aiding the person in front of her by folding the flap of her robe down correctly because you can't really see yourself.

[32:05]

There's no time to stop and look in a mirror and turn around and do it. You have to just get it on and be there where you're supposed to be and helping each other. helping each other with the robe to me is kind of helping each other with the vow. This robe is not a piece of clothing. It is a symbol of your vow. It's not a badge. It's not anything that shows that you know anything. It's nothing. It's a piece of cloth. And it's heavy as heck. And it's hot in the summertime. And it's not even enough in the wintertime if you're thinking of it in that way as a piece of clothing. Excuse me. As a piece of clothing. And yet it is also that.

[33:07]

I'm not forgetting. I'm not going to try to give it anything beyond what it is. It's a piece of fabric wrapped around your body. But it's also the vow. It's sewn in a particular way. It's sewn with the verse of the kesa in mind, wearing the teachings, holding the teachings. So to wear it I think, and treat it correctly is important for me as an individual. It's one of those things, I don't know how much to say about it. Because for me, right now, it's very personal to hold this and wear this.

[34:14]

And I wear it consciously. Especially when I'm in this space trying to try my best to hold the vow. Whether it's sitting zazen or doing these talks. And feeling that weight. And knowing. And when you're in the monastery. To understand. That your fellow. Monks. Your fellow practitioners. Also feel that weight. To see them. Struggling. To get that robe on in time. To see. Where it's hyped up a little bit.

[35:14]

and help them fix that fold. That's what monastic life and the communal life is about. Another part of the communal life, and I'm going to finish up in a minute, I promise, has to do with being with folks and helping each other. I'll tell you a little story that really taught me a lesson, I guess, and got taught a lesson in my own self. One of the things that, let me just pull this out, because I'm kind of referring to this.

[36:15]

at the very beginning of the Bendo Hall. Dogen writes, the very first paragraph, standing out has no benefit. Being different from others is not our conduct. This is the Buddha's and ancestors' skin, flesh, bones, and marrow, and also one's own body, mind, and body and mind dropped off. Therefore, engaging away, It's the practice of enlightenment before the end of Kalpa. Not standing out. Doesn't mean hiding, but it doesn't mean, you know, that you're there for everybody to see you either. As human beings, we have this real competitive strength. We're taught it at school that we have to be, you have to get that A. Everybody's ranked this and that, you know, for this and that.

[37:27]

That has no meaning here. You do your job. You do your practice with everyone without worrying whether, you know, somebody sees how well you're doing it. The funny thing, in the Japanese monastery, if you did something right, and you did it right every day, and it was perfect, you never hear about it. You do something wrong, you miss that bell one day, and you are doing bows and frustrations in front of the whole assembly, apologizing for missing that bell. That didn't end the world, but you missed that bell. Accountable. But it's not about standing out either way on either side, doing so well or doing so bad. It's being there and being there for the practice with everyone.

[38:31]

But there's something in the human mind that must climb some ladder somewhere, must be better than. Let's prove something. This came up for me. I was in the New Soto a few years ago. And I came into the New Soto with a woman, a German woman, who spoke some English. Her English was pretty good. And so we were always, you know, kind of talking together. And we both worked in the Tenzo Rio in the kitchen. So as tens over you in the kitchen, you're responsible, of course, of taking care of the food. And in this particular form, getting food out onto the table when we worked in Sesshin or in some special day where we had to serve in the soda.

[39:45]

We served in... the cooing in the kitchen or in the dining room. And so getting all that out on the table on time and so on. And as the Tenzo Rio, we had to sit at the foot of the table so we were the last to be served because we had to sit near the kitchen so if something needed to happen, we could run into the kitchen and take care of it and come back out. That was our responsibility. So That being said, myself and this German woman, and also you also sit according to rank. So she sat one down from me in terms of sitting at the table. And so we were sitting right next to each other or across from each other, depending on what the day was. And we got into this thing. And if you had asked me before this happened to me, I would have said, don't care whether she gets finished first or not, but we got into this kind of race thing where, and putting together after the meal, putting together your bowls and wrapping them up and everything.

[40:59]

We got into a race doing that. Silly as that sounds. Who's going to get their bowls cleaned and wrapped first? And that's what that was. I didn't realize it, though, until I did realize it. And whoever got their hands in the lap first, you know, won that day or won that meal, whatever. And if you had asked me, as I said, I would have sworn up and down that that is not what I was doing. And I would have told you how unimportant that is, whatever, okay? Sorry, my internet is kind of up and down these days.

[42:17]

trying to start where I was, where I remember I was. So we're in this, you know, daily race to get our bowls finished. And one day, something happened. And I was sent to the kitchen to take care of something. And by the time I got back, the meal was finished. So I had to sit down and go down some food. So that, you know, because at the point where the teacher is finishing up as well, and they start cleaning up and taking things away, and you start putting your bowls up, and everybody needs to be finished at the same time for the ending of the meal. So I was behind, and this particular jam room woman, she was sitting there waiting for me. So I sat down and she started. And I still have food in my bowl.

[43:18]

So I gulp down this food. And I'm in a panic, an absolute panic. So much pain getting that food down and trying to get my bowls together. And the water came. And there's a point where you have to pour water in and clean your bowls or whatever. And I wasn't ready. And she poured the water in her bowl and started to pass it to me. Well, wait a minute. I'm going the wrong way. She was ready. The person ahead of me poured the water in the bowl and passed the kettle to me. And realizing that I wasn't ready, something broke. And I passed it on to her. She won that day. And after that, I let go of trying to race this woman. For whatever reason, I was trying to do that. I let go. Simple, stupid, little, childish thing, you know.

[44:19]

And if you think of all the little childish things that come up in a day, you know, whether you're in the monastery or not. And how much ego is in that and how much pain. You know, even if it's just a little, you know, little thing that lasts for a minute. How much pain I put myself through for something so little and silly and not even, you know, worth the length's thought. And I held that Cohen for days and weeks after that. And my life. And those particular moments in that dining room became so much softer. And the relationship with this particular woman changed a little bit because that self, that little bit of self got to drop away in that loss, that timeline lost.

[45:38]

So I'm sure that there were lots of opportunities outside of the monastery for me to learn that little lesson. But the time that I had to really look at that, look at that self-making, that story, playing that game, was so much easier to access in the monastery because that's exactly what the focus is about. That's exactly what being in assembly is about. Is knowing and watching that self create all of this pain

[46:43]

all of this delusion about absolutely nothing. So I was trying to throw in a little personal story and end up embarrassing myself, you know, because in the monastery are like, you know, our whole, like a whole season of Reality show. Monks behaving badly. But that's what it is. This is the assembly. This is what monastic life has been for me. And I'm sorry if that doesn't come off clearly or whatever. Again, my internet is unstable, so excuse me. But just to read fully this part of the Mendojo. And there are other pieces that I wanted to read, but I'm not going to take up all your time here.

[47:49]

But just to finish up, Dogen says at Daigutsuji, all Buddhas and all ancestors are within the way and engage it. Without the way, they would not engage it. The Dharma exists and they appear. Without the Dharma, they do not appear. Therefore, when the assembly is sitting, sit together with them. As the assembly gradually lies down, lie down also. Inactivity and stillness at one with the community. Throughout deaths and rebirths, do not separate from the monastery. Standing out has no benefit. Being different from others is not our conduct. This is the Buddha's and ancestors' skin, flesh, bones, and marrow. And also one's own body and mind dropped off. Therefore, engaging the way is the practice of enlightenment before the empty kalpa. So do not be concerned with your ex-realization.

[48:53]

It is the koan before judgments. So do not wait for great realization. The great realization comes with the practice of body and mind. It comes with the practice of being there in a little smooth situation in irritation and failure and missing that bell and not getting along and egos clashing. It comes with, you know, just leaving behind something precious. that is actually precious and something that you realize has no value at all. It comes with letting go of choices that get in the way of actually responding fully to a situation, the real situation right in front of you.

[50:07]

And I think this is, and I feel this is what I experienced in monastic practice. It's something that I also want others to experience as much as they can. And that I feel has been valuable for me. There's some self- and do suffering in missing a nasty practice. But there's also a great appreciation here for what I was so privileged to receive through the efforts of my sangha, my teacher, and the entire community. So I'll end there, and hopefully my computer will stay on me.

[51:08]

My internet will stay on for the rest of this. And thank you very much for putting up with me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[51:46]

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