My name is Charlie, and I lived here in Green Gulch for a bunch of years, and now I live in Sevastopol. And I'm back here to lead a retreat with Dale and Melissa, who I lived here at Tassajara with them. And the retreat is called Finding Yourself in the Tassajara Kitchen. And tonight I want to talk about finding ourselves and being found. And finding ourselves and being found in the kitchen and in the zendo and wherever we are. I think finding ourselves and being found, you could also say kind of engagement. and receptivity are two sides of a Zen practice.

[01:07]

They can balance each other, and they can seem to pull apart and re-resolve. I think when we work with these two sides, the practice is dynamic. and alive. And so the receptive side is to be intimate with what's happening, just to receive this, whatever you're feeling, any sensations, sights, sounds, thoughts. anything you experience, just to receive it, to welcome it. And so this is kind of the receptive side of our practice.

[02:08]

Whatever comes, welcome it. The engaged side, you could say, is coming from inquiry. And so it's... questioning what's happening and engaging it. It's kind of an effort side. There's ways that we find ourselves using our ideas. Like it's Friday evening and we're here in the Tassajara Zendo. So this engaged side is kind of unsettled that. Are we really finding ourselves through that? Is it really Friday evening?

[03:22]

What is it like to really be here, now? Our ideas... If we locate ourselves using our ideas, that can keep us from intimacy. In the Dogen... Ehei Dogen, he was the founder of Soto Zen in Japan. He lived in the 13th century and he's a very important figure in the practice lineage of Tassahara. He wrote instructions for the cook. Tenzo Kyokun was one of his writings. He says in there, this is the way to turn things while being turned by things. This is another expression of these two sides. In the first Zen talk I ever heard, which was about 20 years ago at San Francisco Zen Center, Blanche Hartman quoted Suzuki Roshi as saying, you are perfect just as you are, and you could use a little improvement.

[04:41]

And that's all I remember from that talk. I don't know what it meant to me, but it resonated somehow. And I think when I heard that, I had a feeling that, you know, if I was looking for something, for a practice or for something to give myself to, and I had found it. And so I feel like this is another way of expressing these two sides. You're perfect just as you are. It's just emphasizing this receptive, just receive what's happening. There's nothing to do. Just receive it. You're perfect as you are. You don't need to change anything to be awake. And then there's this other side, and you could use a little improvement. And that's the side that we're always doing.

[05:52]

There's always some doing, there's always some working happening. It's part of how we are. If we were just perfect, practice and awakening would be unnecessary. If we had to be different from how we are, practice and awakening would be impossible. Another way of expressing this is, we're neither the same as Buddha, nor are we different from Buddha. Another thing Suzuki Roshi said, if you take pride in your attainment, or become discouraged because of your idealistic effort, your practice will confine you by a thick wall.

[06:53]

So the pride and entertainment to me sounds like kind of leaning over into this receptive side or leaning over into like, oh, we're perfect just as we are. And then having kind of an idealistic idea of what we should be and what practice should be. This is kind of leaning over into the engaged side or the effort side that you can use a little improvement. And that often leads to discouragement. Because, you know, if you always think you have to be different than you are, you know, you're never going to be happy with how you are. So another thing we say in Zen is, just this is it. So that's like the receptive side. And what is this? You know, we keep bringing this up. So just this is it. Just this is it.

[07:54]

You know, to be a... to be intimate with this. You know, do not seek outside of what's happening for our fulfillment. But then also the engaged side is don't grasp this or don't think you can get this. We have to keep bringing this in because the tendency of thinking is to create a story about what's happening and then believe it's true. So we might have some intimacy of just this and some appreciation of how we happen. But if we grasp a story about that, the story is not how we happen.

[08:56]

How we're happening is beyond all stories. Another way of expressing this is faith and doubt. We have a faith. It's where we rest. Our faith is, in a way, to give ourselves to this, to receive this completely and engage with this completely. You could say faith is non-seeking. Faith helps us settle here. Doubt keeps us from settling in a limited version of what this is. He keeps questioning it.

[10:03]

And also, you know, you can say faith, you can say our true nature, faith in our true nature. And part of the reason, you know, faith comes up for me is our true nature is beyond our knowing and beyond our doing. But we can have faith in it and we can learn to rest in it and appreciate it. But also, it's... There's a doubt side because our true nature is not fixed. It's not a thing. And so we always need the doubt side, actually, to keep us from thinking we got it. And so this faith and this doubt, they go together. And you know that... doubt keeps faith from becoming complacent, and faith keeps doubt from being restless seeking.

[11:13]

So we need these two sides. There's an afflictive doubt, which you could say is Well, sometimes Buddhist texts talk about afflictive doubt as there's two possibilities or two propositions, and you vacillate or you're paralyzed before them. And so it's a doubt that keeps you held back. And so this doubt is different from that. It's almost like it's the active side of faith. And the converse, you know, this faith is like the receptive side of this doubt. In our sitting practice, I feel like we enact these two sides. In not moving, for me this resonates with receptivity.

[12:25]

When we engage with not moving, we're not holding still. It's relaxation. We release ourselves and let go of needing to change anything about our current state. And we're upright. And I think that's the engaged side. It's active, and it expresses our attention, attentiveness. We could practice meditation, and some people sometimes have no choice, lying down. I think that can be very relaxing and settling, but it's easy to fall asleep.

[13:31]

It's hard to stay attentive. And we can also practice meditation walking or running. And it's easy to be attentive and it's harder to settle and relax. So the sitting upright is this nice balance of these two sides, of this receptive, intimate, settling, going deep. And upright, engaged, and clear and discerning. Sitting practice is a way to enact and express this, but we can engage this practice in everything we do. Specifically, in Soto Zen,

[14:33]

the kitchen is revered as a place of practice. For example, if we're in the kitchen, the receptive side is to receive what we're feeling, to receive our sensations, to receive our environment, the people around us, what they're doing. You might receive a task, and then you might receive and you receive this board, receive these carrots, just let these come in. You know, welcome everything you're relating to. And then the active side is, you know, that we're, well, you know, one level is just we're going to engage, we can give ourselves to this activity. We're going to be, you know, for chopping or chopping or sweeping, that we give ourselves to that activity. Completely give ourselves to the, that activity. And then there's also, there can be a kind of inquiry there, too, about, you know, very similar to being upright, you know, are we leaning?

[15:44]

So, you know, when we're sitting, actually, being upright, it can always be checking in if we're leaning. It can be like a We don't kind of just get upright and like, that's set, don't need to worry about that anymore. It's a constant engagement. And the same thing when we're working. Are we rushing? Are we lagging? Am I tight or am I too loose? So we have these two sides. Another thing Dogen says in the instructions to the cook, You should practice in such a way that things come and abide in your mind, and your mind returns and abides in things. So whatever we're working with, or whatever we're engaging with, internal sensation or sounds or an activity, sweeping or chopping or walking, there's kind of like a welcoming feeling

[16:55]

gentle, kind, receptive side, and an engaged, precise, thorough, active side. We can work like this with our posture in Zazen, with our breath, with sensations in our knees and our back. sounds, and knives, and carrots, and bowls. So sitting is like, in Zen, it's the fundamental way to be here, but it's also to help us learn how to be here in everything we do. Dogen, he went to China to study Zen.

[18:04]

And I think he had this idea that practice was meditation and studying the koans, studying the sayings of the old Zen masters. But when he was in China, actually some of the people that impressed him the most were these cooks. And he would say, like, you know, you're doing all this cooking. What about Zazen and the koans? And basically the cooks taught him that Zazen and the koans were in their work, in their activity of being the head cook. That, you know, that was... That was real Zazen, and that was really studying the koans. And also, you know, the kitchen is an elemental place.

[19:14]

And we can learn to engage in this in all of our activities. But I think also, you know, cooking especially is a place It's an activity we shouldn't miss. We shouldn't miss this opportunity to work with our presence in cooking. So I would say this receptive approach, this opens up into appreciation of being found. And Dogen says, To carry the self forward and experience myriad things is delusion. That myriad things come forth and experience the self is awakening. So to carry the self forward and experience myriad things is, I think this is kind of the usual way of understanding our life.

[20:16]

I'm me, and I'm going to go over here. I might experience something here. I'll go out of the room. I'll experience something there. I'll go home and I'll experience something there. And so there's a me that's kind of going around experiencing things. And so in Buddhism, there's this teaching that there is no self like that. There's no self that's doing all that. In each moment, we arise with everything. So myriad things come forth and experience the self is to awaken to this truth that we're found by the world in each moment. And this reminded me of a poem I heard in this Zendo a bunch of years ago.

[21:18]

It's called Lost by David Wagoner. Stand still. The trees ahead and the bushes beside you are not lost. Wherever you are is called here, and you must treat it as a powerful stranger. Must ask permission to know it and be known. The forest breathes. Listen. It answers. I have made this place around you. If you leave it, you may come back again, saying here. No true trees are the same to raven. No two branches are the same to wren. If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you, you are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows where you are. You must let it find you. An expression of the kind of more active side of practice is a story that Dogen relates in Genjo Koan, another of his writings.

[22:24]

It could be translated, actualizing the fundamental point, or manifesting the precedent of the awakening of the Buddhas and ancestors. Zen master Bauche of Mount Mayu was fanning himself. A monk approached and said, Master, the nature of wind is permanent, and there is no place it does not reach. Why then do you fan yourself? Although you understand that the nature of wind is permanent, Bao Che replied, you do not understand the meaning of its reaching everywhere. What is the meaning of its reaching everywhere? asked the monk again. The master just kept fanning himself. The monk bowed deeply. So the nature of wind is permanent, and there's no place it does not reach. You know, this is like, you're perfect just as you are. You know, you are found. And so the monk, in a way, is saying, well, if you're perfect, why are you doing this extra thing?

[23:27]

Why are you fanning? If we're perfect, why do we need to put zazen between us and our perfection? And so Bauche replies, you're not understanding how it reaches everywhere. You could say, you know, You understand just this, but you think it's a thing, and you think it's a static truth, and you think it's a thing that doesn't include our engagement. Another story is from the Book of Serenity. Saushan asked Elder De, The Buddha's true reality body is like space.

[24:30]

It manifests form in response to beings, like the moon and the water. How do you explain the principle of response? Elder De said, Like a donkey looking in a well. Saushan said, You said a lot indeed, but you said only 80%. Elder De said, What about you, teacher? Saushan said, like the well looking at the donkey. So like the donkey looking at the well is like to study the Buddha ways to study the self. This is finding ourselves. And this is our engagement. This is our part in it. This is what we need to do. And then there's the well looking at the donkey. To study the Buddha way is to study the Self.

[25:32]

To study the Self is to forget the Self. To forget the Self is to be actualized by myriad things. So the well looking at the donkey is another way of saying the world's finding us, the world we are found. The commentary on this has these two lines. The fallen flowers consciously go along with the flowing stream. The flowing stream mindlessly carries the fallen flowers along. And even getting up at dawn, there's already someone going by night. So in the light is where we work, where we study, where we engage. The night This is where we're found. We don't do the world finding us, and we can't get it, but there can be an appreciation of it, and it can illuminate our lives.

[26:43]

Giving ourselves to sitting upright, right now, giving ourselves to it completely is giving ourselves to the world. This is how we give ourselves to the world. Whatever we're doing, working in the kitchen, working anywhere, when we give ourselves to it completely, we're giving ourselves to the world. And then this is part of how we can start to appreciate how the world's giving life to us. Another expression of the active side is When dharma does not fill your whole body and mind, you think it is already sufficient. When dharma fills your body and mind, you understand that something is missing. So thinking it's already sufficient, it's the same problem the monk has with the wind reaching everywhere. The nature of wind is permanent, and there's no place it does not reach.

[27:51]

why do you need to fan yourself? And, you know, when Dharma does not fill your body and mind, you think it's already sufficient. And so, the Master just faned himself, you know, or you could say, when Dharma fills your body and mind, you understand that something's missing. And so, there's something missing, you know, one way of saying this, it's our engagement, but it's also that we can't, we don't get the We don't get the way we're perfect. Because we can't get it, another way of saying this, something's missing, because we can't get it, we have to meet it in each moment or on each moment. So it's an endless path.

[28:56]

Suzuki Roshi said, there is no end. If there were an end, I would not think Buddhism was so good. Another way of talking about this, there's something missing, is Jualmir Samadhi says, you are not it, it actually is you. So you are not it. You can't identify with your true nature, or with how you really happen, how you happen with the world. It is always you. And another funny Zen story about this is Zen Master Wutsu asked his monks, for example, it's like a water buffalo passing through a latticed window, head, horns, and four legs pass through, why is it that the tail can't pass through? So the tail is this something missing.

[30:02]

In a way, it's like, well, it's something missing. It can sound like something lacking, or it's also the tail is keeping this keeping the whole water buffalo from passing through. Wouldn't it be great to just be completely free? But actually, this little tail, the verse on this says, this tiny little tail, what a strange and marvelous thing it is. This is how we're always... you know, human. And, you know, being human is, for most of us, it's kind of a mess. But it's actually, it's also, us being ourselves, this is the most wonderful thing we have to offer, and it's a wonderful thing.

[31:06]

So, you know, practice And the way we're perfect, to be intimate with that, is really important. But there's this other side of being ourselves. This is the offering we have. And this is what I'm also saying, this kind of engaged side. I'm running out of time. So I'll just go to the last thing I wanted to say, which is this weekend is there's the Gay Pride Parade in San Francisco. And San Francisco Zen Center will be represented in the Gay Pride Parade, and this will be the third year we've done this.

[32:14]

And... I just wanted to bring that up because I feel like, for me, it resonates with what I've been talking about. I think this pride is not the pride that I mentioned earlier, of both thinking we're perfect, and it's not the pride of being above someone else. I think it's a pride of overcoming or uprooting oppression. And a pride for all of us to express ourselves fully. So I don't think we'll have a parade at Tassajara. But there is a parade that's pretty similar to it on July 4th.

[33:18]

And that's coming up soon. So thank you very much.

[33:23]

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