Good morning. On Saturday I gave a talk and I talked about things I didn't know I loved. a poem by Nazim Hegnath and in the poem he offers these jewels these moments of sweetness and then he associates them in his own heart and mind with sometimes poignant experiences you know how this sweet melting and appreciation into this moment, riding on a train, is in the workings of his own being closely linked to a poignant memory or experience.

[01:27]

It occurred to me to quote this poem as an illustration of equanimity. I remember many years ago on his farm, my uncle said to me, do you think practicing Zen is going to spur you from having to bear your cross? He even had a long history because I used to go to his farm in Glenara when I was young in the summer. And we'd work away and I had a great affection and appreciation for him. He taught me many things that I learned to love. And he had a lot of kids, seven, eight, seven.

[02:35]

And... But at that point, his wife had died. One of his kids had been struck by lightning. One had blown his hand off while planting a bomb. And in general, as it had turned out, he was now living alone in the farmhouse. So I think he knew what he spoke. This way in which life turns out the way it turns out. And sometimes that's not so easy to handle. So he asked me that question. Do you think Sen will spur you from having to bear your cross? And I said, no, I don't.

[03:38]

He nodded, which I took as agreement. And yet, in the midst of all that, there are moments of sweetness. And even more intriguingly, Engaging the world just as it is, moments of sweetness can arise. Something about the disposition, the engagement of what life presents us is more than just worthy of agitation, distress. withdrawal, disheartenment. What is that turning of the heart, turning of the mind that allows, that enables, that eliminates such a way of being?

[04:58]

Uman said, famous Chinese, then teacher said, medicine and disease, discomfort, dissatisfaction, medicine and discomfort cure each other. facilitates that healing, that curing. I think it's fair to say that almost all of us, if not all of us, who come to practice in a committed way do so having experienced difficulties, dis-ease, discomfort,

[06:09]

dissatisfaction. And maybe someone opens a shining gate and says well why don't you come and discover things you didn't know you loved. But there's another side of practice which sometimes can look like, shut up and do what you're told. Hopefully there's something in the middle that looks and feels and is experienced like this is a process of remembering something about well-being it was always known it was just forgotten the word for mindfulness smirti the more literal translation is remembering in many ways we could say zazen

[07:36]

We sit time with the dedicated intention of presence. The willingness to experience whatever arises. And then go off somewhere. And then remember all we are right. And return. something we already know. To remember something that we've discovered is valuable in living human life. To remember that letting our mind roam all over the place obscures how to practice

[08:43]

and doesn't resolve anything. What helps us to do that? This is the second factor of awakening. The first factor is mindfulness. You know, we've arranged a shame, this intention to be present. to enter the Dharma gate of the structure of Sushi. A willingness to take on the structure, to follow the schedule. And to notice that that in itself, the very proposition of taking on the structures, might stir up their own their own distress and discomfort, dis-ease.

[09:48]

In the midst of that, can we remember something else? As something is being stirred up, can we remember To let it be a felt experience. Can we remember to allow the inhale? To kind of make the internal space to hold our own difficulty. Can we remember? Yes. This is what's being experienced. And it's unpleasant. It's distressful. stirring up the mind and heart. And in the middle of that acknowledgement, remember to meet it just as it is.

[10:56]

The whole world is medicine. What is the self? That was the other part of Uman's statement. Medicine and disease subdue each other. The whole world is medicine. What is the self? How is all this being formulated? How is it being related to? What's the point of reference that engages the world? So as we enter the dharma game of Shashin, it's very helpful to have this attitude. Okay, let me see where I'm starting from. You know, whether it's your first Shashin or your hundredth Shashin. Where am I starting from?

[11:57]

What's prevalent? How's my body? Any mental or emotional preoccupations, agitations? Remembering. This is about experiencing, not about accomplishment. This is about presence, not about control. Remembering from your practice the tendencies of your own heart and mind. Oh, I tend to do this. tend to lean in and try too hard to get something. I tend to hold back and become anxious about being controlled by some malevolent force.

[13:05]

Whatever. Whatever your tendencies are, They are the medicine as much as they are the disease. They are the conditioned workings of a human life. In releasing what we grasp, we learn the path of non-grasping. Of seeing how we compound suffering, we learn of alleviating suffering. Of seeing how what arises is energized and made more substantial and more powerful. We learn something about the fundamental workings of consciousness, of coming into being, of going out of being.

[14:16]

staying present as we're pushed and pulled by our own arisings, we learn something about the nature of equanimity. It's not about becoming some rigid monolith that doesn't move. It's about remembering everything what it is to be stuck and what it is to let go. Medicine and disease cure each other. We enter the Dharma through the very human experience we have. Otherwise, it's just an abstraction. It's just a theory. may or may not be true.

[15:24]

So as we start to, as we settle in, to remind ourselves, to remember, To let the factors that support awareness, the factors that support presence, the factors that help to create a sustained involvement in the workings of Sashin. To bring forth that intention. to watch how it interacts with all the other intentions, all the other engagements that come up in our heart and mind. The very nature of awareness, of paying attention, influences what comes up.

[16:43]

Sometimes our own stuff asks for great patience. It comes up with a lot of authority. It comes up with a lot of intensity. Sometimes it asks for very subtle perceptiveness. We're quite settled, but we sense something is not settled. Either way the fundamentals of practice don't change. Body, breath, posture, willingness to experience whatever arises. And then to look at what is happening.

[17:57]

And what's the difference between being totally caught up in it and seeing and experiencing it for what it is. It's a very interesting investigation. Can we start to notice that? as a judgment on what's happening, something more neutral, something more innocent. And as we let that investigation start to ripen, what helps to stay on track with noticing rather than being lost in? Is this a time to emphasize diligence? Just follow the schedule.

[19:05]

Don't add anything extra. Or is this a time to open and soften and hold as tenderly as possible your own anxieties and distress. Are you looking straight, engaging straight the disease? Are you entering from the Dharma gate of medicine? Skillful response. The second factor of awakening, investigation, inquiry. Not to get lost in mind games, not to keep yourself busy speculating, but to let the mind be a tool in paying close attention.

[20:20]

There's a level of disturbance that's making it difficult to be simple. Address the disturbance. And if that seems elusive to you, come to Doka San or practice discussions. Something that's being strongly energized has a potency in the subjectivity of your life. And as such, it has something significant to teach. The potent disease reveals the potent medicine. Not to imply

[21:29]

that what's coming up for you with potency should be held in a negative regard. Actually quite the opposite. To hold it in a negative regard is most usually unhelpful. Because it's very close to holding yourself in a negative regard. Which is most often discouraging and agitating. To try to and disposition of benevolence. How can we throw ourselves into the arms of practice if that just means exposing ourselves to disapproval and criticism? We won't do it. find all sorts of reasons not to. All sorts of things to fantasize about, to criticize, to create an inviting and supportive environment to hold our difficulty.

[22:44]

The difficulty is For most of us, we have to work through something to get to that place. We have to address and explore the discomfort, the dissatisfaction, the disease to discover deeply the medicine, the medicine of awareness, the medicine of releasing with the exhale and the line with the inhale. This is Shakyamuni's teaching on suffering, Four Noble Truths. This is the path of every practitioner. To discover deeply, authentically, what it is to saddle and open.

[23:55]

as an act of self-determination, as a skillful involvement in the workings of our humanness. And how do we translate this notion into how we engage our body, our breath? How we engage the schedule? how we move through the day with the different activities that are presented to us. In some ways part of the challenge for us is to make the investigation of sashim more intriguing than all the other things that come up for us. All the things that we could be doing if we weren't here

[25:09]

All the things we need to worry about. All the things we would like to have out of our lives so that we could be more content. Or at least more at ease. All the things we'd like to have in our lives so we could be more content. Quite literally, how to energize the investigation more than these alternatives. Each time, we return to awareness to rediscover our core intention. Of course, when our mind is calm and our heart is calm, concentration and connection are palpable.

[26:11]

This is more at hand. But to return to awareness when the mind is not so calm has an extraordinary potency. Right in the midst of what's going on for us. What's happening now. Those very mental and emotional states that our psychology has crafted in its coping ways to not quite address. To start to turn towards them and meet them more fully. What's happening now? And in the process to discover a more potent medicine for how we stir up agitation, distress, discontent.

[27:26]

To discover it in our body. What is it to let the body discover an upright, spacious, enlivening being? What is it to let the breath flow? What's the quality of nurturance that happens when we breathe, when we're asleep? What is it to let an intrinsic intelligence about the nature of being in the middle of our concerns. We already deeply know that chasing after our desires and aversions doesn't make us happy. We know that. We've tried it out a lot of times.

[28:37]

And let the knowing that that's not the answer express itself in how we relate to what arises. Remembering, remembering, remembering what we deeply know. In the remembering and in the actualizing, something is realized. Something becomes part of the truth body that we're living. says in one of his poems, there's one being that you can call your own, and there's a thousand others that you can call by any name you'd like. All these speculations that we make up, I want this, I don't want that. I'll never be happy unless that happens.

[29:42]

And of course these flicker through our being, not so much as articulated statements as sentiments. as turning away from, as contracting, as leaning into. How to sit upright in the middle of a human life. Where can we possibly be other than in the middle of the life we already are? to sit up right there. How to find the breath as an ally. How to find the posture. How to find an intentionality that's an ally rather than some new layer of complication that we're adding. This is investigation.

[30:47]

as we enter into Sashim. How do we do that? How do we worry about a way of being in this structure that facilitates rather than simply letting it be some kind of difficult experience we put ourselves through so that we'll feel better when it's over. Each period of Zaza can you remind yourself that what's happening here? What is it to be here? What's going on? What is it to relate to it in a way that opens rather than compounds the suffering of it? This is a precious opportunity to discover what it is.

[31:51]

to see ourselves more clearly. To discover the nature of suffering and the nature of the release from suffering. So as we settle in the Shashin, Part of what's being asked of us is to step out of the web of concerns of a more habitual way of being. And in a way, to create a different one. To let each activity be a cause to return to awareness. To let each involvement be a reminder.

[32:53]

Formal and informal. We can create the web to a whole level of detail. Walking down the hall. A reason, an opportunity to be mindful. Walking up the steps. Entering your own room. taking a cup of tea on your break. All the activities formal and informal can be part of this web that returns, that reminds us of awareness. Knowing that awareness is a double-edged sword. Sometimes it opens us up with delight, and sometimes it opens us up with distress.

[34:01]

Knowing that, and either way turning towards it, when the world sparkles, becomes more three-dimension, when the sense of presence is almost palpable, Opening to that. And something difficult and challenging is rattling through you. Opening to that. A sense of constancy, a sense of steadiness, deliberateness. Okay, this is what's happening now. Okay, this is what's happening now.

[35:05]

We have stepped out of our habitual life in all the ways that it triggers us to behave within our habitual way of being. We've stepped out of it. Often that very activity brings with it its own level of distress. But it also brings with it the opportunity to relate differently. To undo some tightly knotted, habitual patterns that cause us the limitation, that cause us to be caught in limited ways of thinking and feeling. To create a different way of being.

[36:14]

This is the opportunity of Shashim. This is what it's meant by saying, follow the schedule completely. Let the schedule create the web of being rather than your habits. When you're not familiar with this proposition, it can seem formidable. It can seem punitive. Coercive. Unhealthy. Coercive and psychologically. But to explore it. To discover in it. To give over and explore it deliberately and see as it unfolds.

[37:16]

the nature of the relationship between discomfort and that which truly supports the human life. Maybe to confuse the matter, I'll quote a little bit of Nancy McNair's poem, I'm sitting by the window of the Prague Berlin train. Night is falling. I never knew I liked night descending like a tired bird on a smoky wet plain. I don't like to compare nightfall to a tired bird. I didn't know I loved the earth. Could someone who hasn't worked the earth love it?

[38:19]

And here, I love rivers all this time where the motionless Like this, they curl skirting the hills, European hills, crying with chateaus, the weather stretched out flat as the eye can see. I didn't know I loved roads, even the asphalt kind. Vera is behind the wheel. We're driving from Moscow to the Crimea. The two of us inside a closed box, The world flows past on both sides, distant and beaut. I was never so close to anyone in my life. Bandits stopped me on the red road between Baloo and Granada when I was 18. Apart from my life, I didn't have anything in the wagon they could take. And at 18, our lives are what we value least.

[39:20]

I've written this somewhere before wading through the dark, muddy street of the shadow play of my life. We enter the Dharma through entering our life, through what arises for us. I'm not to be mesmerized. and entranced by the details, whether sweet or bitter. How to bring the mind of investigation to them. How is this being related to? What does it stir up? Especially as we enter Sashin.

[40:22]

With a curious mix of dedication and apprehension. Of commitment and hesitation. To watch it all. To watch it as it comes up. And watch it as it shifts from one to the other. How does this ease become the medicine that cures our life?

[41:05]

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