This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. Good morning, everybody. Good morning, everybody who's sitting in the room. And good morning, everybody who is sitting in your room. or online. Today, I'd like to begin to address the topic of love and power in relationships, particularly anger. How to manifest anger while maintaining loving kindness. And I'd like to work with a group of teachings that is devoted for the benefit of ourselves and others, devoted for the welfare of everyone.

[01:07]

And to do that, to really make those teachings come alive, I think that we have to think about what supports us and how we support other people. So I would like to start by chanting a chant. from our canon called the Loving Kindness Meditation. And if you don't have one, or if you see someone who doesn't have one, share it, okay? Just hold it up so that you both or you all can see it. And if you're online, you might see it in chunks. Don't worry, it's still a good chant, even if you can only chant part of it. So let's just take a few seconds to think about what supports us. And I want to say that in this conversation that we're about to have today, that I'm supported by the past tantos, Anna Thorne, and past acting tanto, Tova Green, and current tanto, Tim Wicks.

[02:24]

The tanto is the head of practice and makes the invitation for someone to give a talk. And that I'm also supported by the senior Dharma teacher who's offering the practice period, my Dharma brother, Rishin Paul Haller. Thanks, Paul. And who introduced the topic of the paramitas, or perfections, as something for us to pay attention to. And even if we're practicing for the first time, it's a good topic, and I'll try to make it accessible. So what if we just take three breaths to think about who and what supports us? This room and these people in the room support us, so if you can't think of someone else, this is fine. Okay, so let's take three breaths to think of this. Thank you.

[03:37]

And at the end of the sutra, when we finish the sutra, I'll ask you to name names of individuals or groups of people who need our support. You don't have to raise your hand. We'll just take three breaths to do it, and it may happen all at once. People may end up saying things all at once. Okay, are you ready? loving-kindness meditation. This is what should be accomplished by the one who is wise, who seeks the good and has obtained peace. Let one be strenuous, upright, and sincere, without pride, easily contented, and let one not be submerged by the things of the world. Let one speak upon oneself the burden of riches. Let one's senses be controlled.

[04:39]

Let one be wise but not puffed up. Let one not desire possessions for one's tumbling. Let one be a thing that is mean or that the wise may be proved. May all beings be happy. May they be joyous and live in safety. All living beings, whether weak or strong, high or middle or low realms of existence, small or great, visible or invisible, or far born or to be born, may all beings be happy. Let no one deceive another nor despise any state. Let none by anger or hatred wish harm to another, even as a mother at the risk of her life watches over and protects her only child. Let an endless mind, should one cherish all living things, suffusing love over the entire world above, all around without limits, so let one cultivate an infinite goodwill.

[05:51]

the whole world, standing or walking, sitting or lying down, all one's waking hours. Let one practice the way with gratitude, not holding to fixed views and doubt with insight, freed from sense appetites. Who achieves the way will be freed from the duality of birth and death. This recitation of the loving-kindness meditation is dedicated to the benefit of all beings, particularly, everybody say at the same time, okay? People at San Francisco Zen Center, people who are affected or hurt, harmed, maimed, or killed by the war, people who are hurt, harmed, maimed, or killed by climate inequality and climate crisis. everyone over the entire world.

[06:53]

Thank you. So if you look around, you'll see drawings of hungry ghosts which are beings who are unfulfilled. They have very skinny necks and very big bellies. And you'll also see, unusually for a Buddha hall, some wrathful protectors, protector kings. And on that side of the room, you'll see a banner with the colors of the five Dhyani Buddhas, our protectors. So these are qualities that surpass the entire world. And looking around, I also see my co-teacher, Dave, whose work on triggers and the psychology of anger has strongly influenced this work.

[08:08]

And so now, without further ado, let's get into the content of this lecture. So this is a day of practice which brings some of the teachings to life in everyday experience. And I just want to know whether this topic of anger and loving kindness, how many people here have experienced anger? And how many people here would like to understand how to manifest anger while maintaining loving kindness. Okay, so I think it's a relevant topic. And anger is a challenge to us because we have a couple of nervous systems that get signaled when things don't go our way.

[09:19]

So when things do go our way, let's just remind ourselves, we feel joyful, peaceful, and powerful, and our food digests well, and we sleep. When things don't go our way, we feel mad, sad, or scared. And things don't appear to be going our way. Over millions of years, nature has evolved in us this emotion called anger. And in traditional Buddhism, anger is a no-no. But in the modern world, as we know, anger can be a yes-yes. So how do we respond? positively and helpfully, beneficially, when we experience anger.

[10:27]

So this hasn't been just a problem in this day and age. So Aristotle said, anyone can become angry. That's easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time And for the right purpose and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power. That is not easy. You want to hear that again? Anybody can become angry. That is easy. Although it's not easy for everyone, okay. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way, that is not within everyone's power. That is not easy.

[11:30]

So I want to say that what we're talking about is how to work with and adapt an emotion that puts us into an emergency state. in a way that benefits us and the people around us for the rest of our lives and all throughout space and time. Okay, so we have this emotion that's designed for emergency situations called anger that switches us into fight, flight, or freeze. So it switches us into a state that's very particular, and how to use it in a general way that blesses and helps everyone and everything throughout space and time. So that would be how to work with anger in a way that manifests loving kindness.

[12:41]

It's not just enough to manifest the feeling of loving kindness, that helps us. It makes us feel good. But how about everyone around us? Does it manifest loving kindness for some people to have food and some people to have none? For some people to have to be in fear of their lives and other people to be under the illusion of safety? It does not. And to continue those conditions does not. One side or one part of the situation might feel joy or right or any one of a number of things. But not everybody does. So you see the problem. For everybody to feel benefited is... I just gulped. Because it's daunting. It's daunting to think that.

[13:43]

When I think, oh no, this anger that I feel Could I do this in a way that's beneficial? My immediate reaction is, oh gosh. No. But I have to. And I think we have to. Otherwise, the consequences. So, but we may not be able to, we may not be able to do it all at once. Like somebody said yesterday to me, we become angry when there's a problem. But what if we think of it as a predicament instead? So when there's a predicament, we can,

[14:45]

We can deal with part of it knowing that there's a whole situation. And I think that's very wise advice. On the other hand, if we think that something is a predicament and we get attached to it being a predicament, we can be satisfied with less of a solution than we need, less of a practice than we need. So what is adaptive behavior? when we're angry? What is adaptive anger? What is functional anger? How can we learn behaviors and skills that meet the demands of situations that appear as problems to us, and for which we generate emergency responses? So what are the concepts, what are the practices, and what is the intimacy? that allows us to do this. And fortunately, the Buddha Dharma, the teaching, has teachings that help us with this.

[15:54]

And they're called perfections, or paramitas. Paramitas is, they're called perfections. And, They are generosity, morality, patience, effort or energy, concentration, and wisdom. So think of a time when you were angry, whether it was annoyed, irritated, frustrated, angry, enraged, or furious. Okay, now dial it back or forward to anger, okay? Because we're not going to be able to work with fury right away. That takes extra skill. And annoyance might not motivate us enough to actually work with it unless it goes on over a long time in which it becomes anger, right?

[17:06]

So let's take stuff in the middle to deal with. So do you have a situation? Anyone need more time? Okay, so holding that situation at the front of your inner eye and in the middle of your inner heart and listening to that situation with your inner ear The perfections hold the promise of working with that situation, this situation itself, in a way that's not attached. Does anyone have an extra cushion? Someone needs it in back. Yeah, okay, thank you. Okay.

[18:06]

So not attached. Not anticipating reward. So not standing at the head of the bowling alley, having thrown the ball and going like this. Okay, to make the ball go to the right pin. Okay, so not doing that. Not attached, not glomming onto it. Not corrupted. Not corrupted means not poisoned by greed or aversion. Not conceptual, in other words, it feels satisfying at a somatic level. And devoted, expressing love. So you might be mentally going, my situation and not attached, my situation and devoted, you know. How?

[19:10]

How? Or you might be saying, oh I'm tired of the situation, I can't even look at it. So there's various reactions we can have in situations that anger us. And that's the promise of the paramitas, to be able to respond rather than react in ways that are characterized by awakening and beneficence. when you think of the situation that is angry you think of it just and think of what happens if we allow ourselves to be intoxicated by anger and I don't know about you but what comes up for me is that I would get short sightedly pushed around by the pain of the situation or by my desires or my aversions in that situation like I would

[20:17]

the aversion would come up and instantly I would be reacting. Or I would, you know, take the wrong things as my standard or my motivation, like material gain or power in the situation, like I might want to be right. Or I might want to get the thing that I don't think I have. Or the one that comes up for me most when I'm angry and the emotion is coming up is that it changes how I perceive. So I can only see moving objects, right? So I'm distracted away from my understanding of what in the long term might be inclusive or beneficial, you know. I'm kind of stuck away from it by my inability to see when I see red.

[21:24]

And so to work with anger in a way that supports the perfections, we're gonna have to look at, as Dave says, assertion, not aggression. And as the Buddha said, necessary, kind, helpful, true, and timely response. Necessary, kind, helpful, true, and someone in my lineage added timely. So... The benefits, let's talk about specifically how the perfections could help us. So I'm just gonna name some wonderful benefits because I think they're motivating, right?

[22:32]

So if we have skill according to generosity, according to, you know, according to morality or what we know to be, beneficial for everyone, what we know to be generous to everyone, what we know to be beneficial, what we know to be not pushed around by insult, perceived insult, what we know to be undistracted. Here are some of the great benefits. And these are benefits that I, they're not just my understanding of the benefits. was looking at this week at the Samdhi Nirochana Sutra. Samdhi Nirochana is the heroic march scripture. And it is a Mahayana scripture that talks about three levels of reality.

[23:38]

So ultimate reality, conventional or conceptual reality, and skill and means. or interdependence. So three levels of truth, three levels of reality, three levels of action that are available to us. So we have oneness or peace and harmony that's available to us. We have interconnected or intimate response that's available to us. And we have the ability to hypothesize or imagine that's available to us when we are angry. And when we can respond from truth in these three ways, it matures our ability to resource our relationship with ourselves in the world. And it allows it to mature and transform over time.

[24:39]

And it doesn't end up in dissension or enmity. It gives us real, lasting happiness. It trains us in the right use of power. It protects us from abuse. And it allows us to be an example. Okay, so that is the first of one, two, three, four, five, six separate lists of benefits. I won't give you all of them because I want to get to something more. So what is it to assert when we're angry instead of to aggress when we're angry? If you go back to your scenario and just hold it very lightly, you don't have to like concentrate very, you know, with a very strict hold on it right now, but just be in the mood of it for a second.

[25:43]

And think of yourself first in this situation like being in an airplane, a great vehicle in an emergency. You put your own mask on first. You put your own protection on first. And then you put it on the person next to you. Because we're the person we're always experiencing ourselves as. accompanied by or with, right? So we're accessible, so put the mask on ourselves. And in this situation, what is generous? How do we give ourselves the gift of recognizing our emotional state, which already, that recognition already puts a protection around us so we don't have to be pushed around by it.

[26:46]

So how do we give ourself the gift of not being fooled by our psychophysical state of adrenaline? How do we allow our heart to beat? Our face to turn red? Our breath to get quicker? Or to freeze? Or our face to turn pale? our muscles to tense up in preparation for an emergency response. How do we do that? And not just be pushed around by it. And what we can do is just give ourselves a gift of three breaths. And in the three breaths, we may be able to even though it's imperfect, find a name for the psychophysical state we're in.

[27:48]

Some examples of names. Let's see. Let's see if I can find some names. Am I annoyed? Soft anger. Am I frustrated? Cross? Grumpy? Apathetic? Medium anger. Oh, please make yourself comfortable. Rest if you need to and reestablish your posture if you need to. Medium anger. Am I mad? Am I offended or antagonized? Am I bristling? Am I sarcastic or aggravated? Okay, or is it intense? Am I hostile? Am I aggressive? Am I livid? Am I furious? Am I warlike? Am I bitter? Am I raving?

[28:50]

Am I menacing or seething, right? Okay, so all those things. A lot funnier when you're not feeling that way, really. But, you know, in each one of these, three breaths and naming it, reflecting it, There's a wisdom called great perfect mirror wisdom, which is one of the four great wisdoms that we develop in practice. Great perfect mirror wisdom mirrors our state, or the state of who is in front of us. Not by imitating it, but by recognizing it, by hearing it, by seeing it, by feeling it, by understanding it through self-empathy? Can we name it? Okay, so that's the first step, naming that state.

[29:53]

The second step is what is the trigger? It's so interesting because we usually misapprehend the cause, of our anger. We usually think that that thing, whatever it is, is causing our anger. But anger actually is a choice as we find out when we take three breaths and name it. And it begins to come into view because who is it who can name the anger, right? Who is it who's not intoxicated by the wine of habits and limited perceptions, right? Who is it who is naming it? It's someone who includes the anger but is not intoxicated by it. So it's already a step towards wisdom. And when we look for the trigger, when he came late again, when

[31:02]

the driver cut me off as I was going into the only parking space on Valencia Street. When my brother showed the baby pictures, okay, so when we can name it, then we understand we take a step towards understanding that events and things and people of the world are karmically neutral until we react. So I feel furious when I need this supplement to actually help me medically and a person swoops in right in front of me and takes the last one, I have a moment of fury when that happens.

[32:19]

Okay? And it means we're being responsible with that trigger and recognizing it as an event instead of the associations that we've loaded it with. And then, what was the thought or expectation that put something skin in the game for me with that? You know, when my genetic data was stolen and posted on the dark web as I felt so angry, enraged, livid, because I expected it to be private.

[33:27]

So that I expected it to be private. The privacy statement says that it's private. We had an agreement that it's private. Okay? So what's in it for me? So that's a step as well. And recognizing that habit of thought, that expectation, that understanding, that agreement allows us to proceed with action or request in a perfected way instead of a reactive way. So just from the point of view of generosity, I recognized my emotional state. I gave myself the gift of an accurate description of the trigger. I gave myself the gift of the path and of fearlessness

[34:33]

when I recognized my own thought that turned it into a trigger and not a choice. And now I have prepared myself to interact, right? I have prepared myself to give 23andMe a reality check on privacy. Or I have prepared that person I've prepared myself to give that person the gift of feedback, an investment in the relationship in the form of feedback, and proceed in intimacy without fear. So just from the point of view of generosity. So my request that's prepared in that way unites me as the giver, the person I'm giving feedback to as the receiver, and the feedback itself as a gift. So that preparation perfects my skill in handling that situation.

[35:46]

Okay, so I wanted, I could say so much more about this. I could talk about each paramita, but instead I want to talk about how giving myself that gift generates the other paramitas because this is a lecture and the lecture has a beginning, a middle, and an end, okay? So I want to talk about how we work through the paramitas just by the simple act of assertion rather than aggression when we're angry. So when we are not fooled by our psychophysical state, when we give ourself that gift, it builds our capacity for morality. Okay, so we're not misattributing our feeling or causation as belonging out there.

[36:52]

We're giving ourselves that gift of recognizing the emotional state And when we know we're angry or furious, we can say something like, someone else this week said to me, I love you very much and I'm feeling so angry right now. Or even, I love you very much. I'm feeling so angry right now, thought to self. If I stay in this situation, I don't have the capacity to respond. Honey, I'm going to walk around the block. Right? So you're saving the situation by not blurting in that moment. Honey, I'm going to walk around the block. Catch you in a couple of revolutions. A couple of

[37:56]

Paths around the block, I'll catch you later. So when we guard our moral resources like that, it builds patience or tolerance. Resilience, because honey, I really love you, but I'm so mad. I'm so angry, I'm powerfully angry with you. So it means I can actually be patient enough to wait. till I've walked around the block once, oh no, twice, no, three times, uh oh, six times, before I can say what triggered me. So then I can describe it in neutral or friendly ways. So it builds resilience. It builds resilience which allows me to use the energy of that anger So it builds energy or right effort which is another of the paramitas.

[38:59]

And when I can act in accord with what I know to be beneficial when that energy of the anger is available to me instead of being dissipated in screaming or hitting or bludgeoning with words or with actions, revenge, retaliation, when I don't have to do those things but can respond, then it builds a sense of concentration or containment within which the relationship can grow. It allows the relationship, whether it's oneself or whether it's with the world, to become an extended meditation, an extended contemplation in the world of action that doesn't exclude conventional thought, but rather matures it.

[40:05]

So, even if we can only give ourself the gift of naming the emotion and we're not ready to do more, It's already laying the foundation for all of the perfections. All of the perfections are generated from that one act of kindness towards ourself. So this is what should be accomplished by the one who is wise, who seeks the good and has obtained peace, or even is wanting to obtain peace. We are strenuous, upright, and sincere. Okay? This is what should be accomplished. In a state of anger, we have the responsibility to generate kindness towards ourselves and towards the people we're with.

[41:09]

Okay? So look at the sutra once again, if you would. And just... I'm not asking you to read it. I'm asking you to scan it. If the person next to you doesn't have one, just hold it up. I'm asking you to scan it and find one line or one word for your scenario. Do you have the word? you remember who you dedicated your chanting of the sutra to? Can you manifest your word for them? Thank you very much.

[42:11]

Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[42:35]

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