This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. It's lovely to see everybody in this particular hall. The last time I spoke in this hall was before the temple was shut down. So it's been quite a long time. I'd also like to thank the folks that are watching this at a distance. It's very convenient to be able to remain in your own home and to also be able to see something like this if you live in a faraway place. and don't have access to this kind of community in person.

[01:05]

I'd like to thank the Tonto for inviting me. Thank you, Ana. And to all of those who have guided me through the years to get me to this place. And many of you are in this room. So thank you. My name is Mary. I lived at San Francisco Zen Center for many years, both at all three temples, actually. And now I live and work outside the temple and am able to come here periodically for visits and for teachings and celebrations like New Year's. So it's a home in... a certain sense, and decidedly not a home in other ways. So it's always an interesting experience for me to return.

[02:12]

So I'd like us all to come together, to arrive here. And in order to do that, if you're comfortable, please close your eyes. And if you would rather not do that, then soften your gaze. I'd like you to take three breaths, please. See if you can feel the air expanding in your lungs. See if it's possible. to feel the air leaving your body. Try, if you can, to arrive in your body. This is not such an easy thing.

[03:26]

So stick with it. See if you can feel the connection to the ground. See if you can feel the connection to the environment. Put your feelers out. See if somewhere in there you can feel connection to all beings. The fact that we all breathe the same air. Try for a moment to let go of the thoughts.

[04:35]

that take you out of this environment. I have a couple questions while you're in this place. One is, Have you ever explored who you are? Have you ever explored how you learned? If somebody asked you those questions, have you ever explored who you are?

[06:06]

Have you ever explored how you learn? Would you have a fast answer? Or would you have to think about it? And might that answer change as you looked? In the description of the practice period that Reverend Paul Heller is leading right now, Paul wrote, to sit in the middle of all that life presents and experience what's happening is the essence of Zen practice.

[09:00]

What does it mean to sit in the middle? Leslie James in a talk at Tassajara once said, it's learning to stand it.

[10:57]

That's what sitting in the middle is. And mostly, I think it's learning to stand our judgmental selves. sorting and classifying mind that is unkind starting with ourselves and then through habit affecting all that we do and see. possible for you to be in this room with these people and still feeling your heart.

[13:41]

It gets more complicated because at the end of this lecture we go out And we have conversations and we eat lunch. And we laugh and we fight. And through those things, is it possible to stay connected to your heart? I think this is one of the requests of practice. one of the requests of this practice period. I think we all know how to go fast.

[14:57]

But I'm not sure we all know how to go slow. we've all learned that we're required to give the right answer. But we don't necessarily know how to be curious. Many years ago, I was at a practice period that Rev.

[16:27]

Anderson led, and during one of the lectures, he repeated the word relax for more than a half hour. At first, I thought I was going to scream. It was so... It's hard when you think somebody's telling you to do something that you can't do. But in fact, it's one of the most powerful lectures I've ever been to. Because it allowed me... through the process of that half hour, to have a conversation with my body and my brain.

[17:34]

And at first the dialogue was something like, oh my God, when is he going to stop with it? This isn't a lecture. Doesn't he have something to say? He can't tell me what to do. This isn't relaxing. Zazen's not relaxing. Lectures are not relaxing. You know, you can imagine. Each of us in this room has a little familiarity with this kind of thing, I'm sure. But as the minutes passed, I realized that, well, I could have those kind of thoughts. Or I could actually start tuning in to the request. The request of my body to stop. His invitation.

[18:47]

I think that our bodies are inviting us all the time. A number of years ago, 2018, I was the Eno here at City Center. And during that time, the office setup was such that everything was on the floor. It was a very short coffee table that I was working at, and I was either in SESA or cross-legged. or the 10 or more hours that I worked every day.

[19:55]

And at first, I thought, well, this is okay. Not great. My body's used to sitting zazen, but it's not used to working in that posture. So I continued to do it through arrogance, through ignorance, Three months later, my knees were the size of basketballs, and I was using a crutch. And I'm still doing physical therapy, and I feel delighted that I can do prostrations and sit in this way. bodies know.

[20:58]

So what does Sazen do? I would say it gives us a chance at first to realize how fast we're moving. Because generally most of us are so unaware of that fact that it's shocking to us. minds are powerful and they're designed to generate thousands upon thousands of thoughts in a very short period of time continuously. And we're extremely lucky that that's the job of the mind. However, we get into this awkward position of believing all the thoughts.

[23:06]

Everything is worthy. Everything is a great idea. In fact, our ideas are better than anybody else's ideas. They're shiny, So first, I think most of us who start sitting are surprised by the power and the seduction of our thoughts. Years ago, I studied Latin. And when Latin was a living language, not many people wrote Latin.

[24:19]

It wasn't so much a written language as a spoken language. And when you go see monuments now, the dedications are jammed into no punctuation. Latin didn't have punctuation. The only way you knew how to make sense of the sense of the written language was if you had a context, if you knew what it was already trying to say to you. Because there wasn't starts, there wasn't capitals, it was all in a cohesive block. I kind of think that's how our minds are producing thought. There's no punctuation. It's all capital letters. And it's all urgent.

[25:21]

And once we start sitting, we start being able to take a break. It's not so urgent anymore. There might be a period at the end of an idea. There might be a slight pause. There might be a moment where we think, do I really believe that? And that simple thought is powerful. allows for change. It allows for curiosity. And then why do we keep sitting?

[26:37]

posit that it's the only way to make sense of our lives. The only way to make sense of our relationships, both with ourself and other people. The only way to make sense with this crazy world. I've been watching a TV show lately, and one of the things, it's a Korean show, and one of the things that's come up a few times is the expression, whoa, whoa.

[28:47]

I kind of like that. Whoa, whoa. Whoa. So when we start getting faster and faster, can you remember, can I remember to think, whoa, whoa. My practice is less about answers and more about questions, more about curiosity.

[30:27]

I'm not sure that I can ever tell anybody how to practice or what's important. I've been listening a lot these days. To different people talk about neurodiversity. How we all learn differently. How there are gifts from all the different ways people are. The gift of ADHD, for example. The gift of schizophrenia. The gift of depression. From the listening I've done, there are pros and cons to all those things. It takes me back to reading about the harmony of difference and equality. That it's easy for us to think in a dual reality.

[31:38]

This is right. This is wrong. This is a good way to learn. This is a bad way to learn. This is a good student. This is a bad student. This is a boy. This is a girl. And I think it's a rich time right now. For examining all of those assumptions. I think when I was a child in school. There were a lot of kids that were labeled as bad. Troublemakers. And I think now. What they say is.

[32:41]

I wonder what this student needs in order to stay in the classroom. I wonder what this person needs in order to keep this job. It's a pretty different approach. I read that after World War II, people were so interested in in settling in the opposite of two world wars, that the values started being suburban houses with perfect families and two cars. certainly led us to a place and it led some people right to San Francisco Zen Center because maybe they didn't want two cars or a picket fence.

[34:06]

So this leads me back to my first question. Have you ever explored the way you learn? Have you ever explored who you are? Have you ever thought about what that conversation would look like if you were able to separate what you were told as a child and all the messages to your actual life from your actual life. This is the power of Zazen. once you start relaxing.

[35:30]

And through it all, if you can manage it, there is great value in being kind to yourself. Kind to your experience. Kind to the way you were grown up. What you were exposed to. I do not believe we can force ourselves to change. We can however open to the possibility of change and point in that direction. The most powerful phrase that I've come upon in the last while is the phrase, may my mind be kind.

[37:20]

It comes to me from my study of the Lojong slogans. And if you settle into that phrase, It allows you, it allows me to think about myself, the judgments and the self-talk directed to myself. It allows me to shape my mind around my relationships with other people. It's a gentle reminder. There's no rough edges. It's not a demanding phrase. So for me, in terms of guidance, this is my North Star right now.

[39:04]

May my mind be kind. Thank you all for sharing this time with me. This slow time. You are each precious. Thank you.

[40:24]

Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[40:49]

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