Thank you. See, I have spent a new train and a murder of a day of my mother.

[06:45]

It is a murder of a day of my mother. [...] Good morning. Welcome to all of you sitting in this sendo and to all of you who are watching by other means. I've sat in this sendo many, many times and I've not ever given a talk in this sendo. So this is an interesting change. So before I start, I was wondering if all of us could participate in arriving in this room, stopping for a moment, following your breath for a couple of minutes, setting aside the activity that you just finished, and arriving in this room.

[08:12]

And for those of you who are live streaming, to set aside, if you can, the concerns that have faced you until this moment and bring yourself here. Feel the chair or the zafu. Feel your breath. Thank you very much.

[09:52]

I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Mary. I lived for many years as a community member. I lived in all three temples of San Francisco Zen Center, so Green Gulch Farm, Tassajara Zen Mountain Center, and City Center Temple. I'm currently living in San Francisco, not in this community, and I work for Zen-inspired senior living, which is owned by San Francisco Zen Center. So I'm spending five days a week in Healdsburg right now with that community as they move from a construction site to a residential community. So that's how I'm supporting the sangha these days. I'd like to thank Tim for inviting me. Tim. Wicks as City Centre Tonto for the invitation to speak today. So thank you, Tim.

[10:57]

And I would also like to acknowledge that right now a practice period is happening at City Centre, and it's led by the City Centre Abbott Mako. So thank you for supporting me to give this talk. I understand that the topic of conversation for the practice period and study is the 16 bodhisattva precepts and how they support our everyday lives. So I thought I would... I got an email from Tim asking me if I could just mention this topic, and instead of mentioning it, I thought I would speak a little bit about the precepts, because at this time in my life, they form a very central part of my practice. This is perfect timing for me, and I hope that some of the things I say support your practice. One of the things I've heard about the precepts is they're often listed as do not, [...] do not.

[12:10]

And people say it would be better if they were put in the affirmative, be more helpful. I wish they would be different. And there are ways to say these precepts in the affirmative. Many teachers have listed them, have spoken about them, have changed the language to the affirmative. However, I have been thinking about this, and there's this phrase... that is common in Zen, which is a finger pointing to the moon. So we can't touch the moon. We can only point to it. And one of the things that I think is that we can describe what not to do often easier than we can describe what to do. Because what to do is a very individual thing.

[13:14]

In a general sense, we can say, don't kill. However, in a very personal sense, the exploration is up to each person. And by putting it in this way, by listing the precepts in this way, it invites exploration of the precept, I think. I think it makes it a little bit more difficult. The Dharma challenges us, always. It doesn't necessarily put things in the easiest way, the most accessible way. It asks of us to explore ideas, explore our explore our past, and come up with something that works for us.

[14:23]

So for me, having the list of precepts often explored in this way, do not, is an invitation to to be clear about the direction I want to go, which is a little bit opposite, I think. Counterintuitive, maybe. And in your exploration during this practice period, if you're reading about the precepts through... Makos talks about the precepts through the sashins that are done, the one day sits. If these questions arise for you around what these precepts mean, then you'll notice that the responses or the way they land with you will change.

[15:37]

And I think that's also part of the importance of working with the precepts. Of the 16 bodhisattva precepts, the first three are commonly referred to as the three refuges. We do these during our ceremonies at Zen Center every day. during service. And we take them formally as we do different levels of ordination, lay ordination, priest ordination, dharma transmission. So the first time I took refuge was in June of 1999.

[16:41]

And I had come in my life to a point where I didn't understand what was happening. I had had a sister who had experienced mental illness for many years and she committed suicide in 1997. And although we as a family knew that she was in pain and suffering, we didn't know how to talk about her pain and suffering among ourselves, nor to her. And her suicide was a surprise, a devastating surprise.

[17:42]

And each of my siblings and my parents, I would say, reacted or responded in different ways. My way was complete bewilderment, and I didn't understand how to think about it, how to manage, how to talk about what I was experiencing. And the pieces of my everyday life crumbled. My long-term relationship crumbled. My work life changed. My relationship to my family changed. My relationship to my friends changed. And I think a lot of that was grieving.

[18:45]

A lot of that was, as I say, bewilderment. and I heard from a friend that another friend of hers had just come back from a six-month time at a Buddhist retreat center. And for whatever good fortune, I thought that's what I would like to do. I had not... been exposed to Buddhism before. I did not have a regular sitting practice at that time. I wouldn't have known what that meant, probably. So I wrote a letter and was accepted to go to a place called Gampo Abbey in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia, Canada. And I arrived in April.

[19:49]

And for the first time in a long time, and maybe for the first time in my life, the sitting, the conversation, the practices of that place were in a language that I understood. And it felt like I was able to relax. to be supported by the sitting practice and to have rest. To put down my bewilderment and not have to engage with that. And so I arrived in April and I was given the opportunity to take refuge there in June.

[20:51]

Very fast in terms of a Zen timeline. This wasn't a Zen place, it was a Shambhala retreat center. And I took refuge with Pema Chodron the first time. I can only say that the comfort that that activity brought me was indescribable. It's the feeling of arriving in a place you didn't even know you were going to arrive to. The feeling of speaking a language that you were speaking your whole life. but you didn't know that there were other people that spoke that language. And I've taken refuge five times in total, in a very formal way, and then hundreds and hundreds of times in a less formal way.

[22:08]

And just as sitting practice is a way to have this memory in our bodies, a way to experience something over and over and over again so you remember, taking refuge, I think, needs to be approached in the same way. Doing it once can be extremely meaningful. But actually engaging in it multiple times is the meat. It's the food. It's the sustenance that we need in our lives. It's not a once done and finished. It's a practice that we commit to and recommit to and do. look at in different ways and think about in different ways.

[23:18]

So taking refuge in the Buddha is taking refuge in a teacher, in the perfect teacher. Taking refuge in Dharma is taking refuge in the teaching And not just the teaching, but the perfect teaching. And taking refuge in the Sangha is not just taking refuge in a supportive community. It's taking refuge in the supportive community. And it takes a while to get there. Maybe it takes the rest of our lives. to feel that taking refuge in the Buddha is taking refuge in a perfect example. And taking refuge in the Dharma is taking refuge in the perfect teaching.

[24:31]

And taking refuge in the Sangha, tricky, is taking refuge in the perfect community. Imagine a community with all its flaws, with all its personalities, with all its conversations, with all its difficulties, imagining that that is perfect. I know I'm not there. And what does that mean? With our minds, We like to criticize. We like to poke holes in things. We like to believe that our perspective is the most important perspective, that we can add something. That through the power of our minds, we can create something better. And the refuges are saying, we have something perfect.

[25:40]

does that mean? So studying about the refuges thinking about that coming face to face when you think oh there's really something wrong with this Lotus Sutra or there's really something wrong with person that I'm sitting next to who slurps their oreochi food. So what does what shape of the mind allows for that? And is that a reasonable expectation for us? Does it mean that we're giving up our critical mind does it mean like we're following like sheep or that it's cultish well probably sometimes that that is what it means but then if that's the result it's not perfect so then we go back and delve deeper

[27:08]

And then the next time we come up with an answer, we delve deeper. Or we go wider. Or we think differently. And the 16 bodhisattva precepts ask this of us. They say, oh, you think you have the answer? You think that's good enough? Try again. Don't be happy with that. Ask of yourself more. Ask of the Sangha more. Ask of the Dharma more. Ask of the Buddha more. I've heard and I believe that Buddhism is more about asking questions than getting answers. And I think the conversation for me around the precepts is more about asking

[28:13]

rather than having them respond. The next set of three pure precepts are, again, appointing for me They're put in different ways. Refrain from evil. Another way to say that is cease from harm. Number two is make every effort to live in enlightenment. Some people translate this as do only good. The third is vow to live and be lived for the benefit of all beings. And some people say or translate this or use the language, do good for others.

[29:19]

These are a big ask. Suzuki Roshi said, do one good thing and 20 bad things will happen. So doing only good is very tricky. Because what I think is good might be the worst thing for somebody else. So for me, these three ask or point to the idea of stay in relationship. Can you ask somebody if what you intend to do will cause them harm? Can you find out if how you're living is working for other people?

[30:32]

We have such a belief, such a strong belief, in independence in this culture. And I'm not sure that's working out so well for us. So for me, thinking about this as staying in relationship with other people demands a lot from me. Demands a lot from the other person who I'm in relationship with. And that relationship changes. Relationships do not stay stagnant, as you all imagine, as you all have experienced in your lives. So what does that even mean to stay in relationship? The next 10 vows.

[32:09]

I'm sure you will talk about them in these next weeks among yourselves, among small groups, among larger groups at lectures. But I'd like to talk about a couple that are particularly relevant for me at this moment. The one I have been working with for years actually is found not to harbor ill will. And it's... This is one that for me is... humbling, embarrassing, brings up a lack of kindness to myself, a lack of kindness to other people.

[33:18]

And I've been thinking lately that what this points to for me is that I have a hard time staying in the present moment. Because if I were in the present moment, it would be impossible to harbor ill will. Resentment is a thing of the past. And we carry it into this moment and grind the axe. And if I'm living now, if I'm working with reality, harboring ill will doesn't really work. And it's so darn easy to harbor ill will when you live in a community. All those times I would go into the toilet and there would be no toilet paper.

[34:27]

All those times I'd go into the kitchen and One piece of tofu would be at the bottom of a five-gallon pail. All those times. All those times. And for those of you that haven't lived in a community, I'm pretty sure it's easy to come up with a few examples, even if you're living by yourself. We can harbor ill will against our pet. We can harbor ill will against the weather. We can harbor ill will against those we love most dearly and cherish. And it doesn't really make sense in the context of being in the present moment.

[35:33]

So it's hard. It's hard to get there. It asks a lot of us. It asks a lot of me. And I work on this. And it will be a lifetime effort for me. Because I have a very strong ego that wants to have the upper hand. So that's a pretty good one for me right now. The other one that I think of quite a lot is found not to take what is not given. So Two nights ago I was at a restaurant with a couple of friends and the bill was paid and after the bill was paid and I went home I looked at the bill and the waiter had forgotten to add two cups of coffee to the bill.

[36:59]

And there are lots of ways to look at this. You know, there's the, well, that was very nice. It's less that I had to pay. Or there's the other way, which is, oh gosh, I wonder if this person will get in trouble. Did I receive something that I didn't pay for? And it actually gave me pause to think about, did I receive something that wasn't given? Sometimes when I look at the bill before I pay, I'll then say, oh, you forgot to add this. And the wait staff will say, oh, great, I'll go do the bill again. Or they'll say, oh, thanks for your care and attention. And that's on the house. So it goes different ways.

[38:06]

But for me, their response is less important than my paying attention to that. What am I trying to get? I think this is about being clean and not having to remember. Think about living in community, or living somewhere with other people, you're in the shower, you have soaked up, you're ready to shampoo your hair, and you reach for your shampoo and you realize that you didn't bring it. But somebody else's shampoo is in the shower. So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna dry off, go to your room, get your own shampoo?

[39:08]

Or are you going to think, they won't notice. I'll take just a little drop. And again, it's not the fact that this person probably won't mind. It's what is your mind doing? Is it saying all... take the shampoo, and then I'll talk to them later about the fact that I did? Is it saying, oh, I'm going to use this, they won't mind, and not checking it out? I think it's like, what is the activity of the mind? If you are walking down the street and there's a $5 bill on the street and nobody around, do you pick it up?

[40:17]

Do you feel like the universe offered it to you? So again, it's not so much the answer that's important. Because one time you might take the $5 bill and the next time you might not. It's asking the question. What is your mind doing? What is this precept saying? What is it saying today? What is it saying tomorrow? These precepts, I think, are meant to roll around be examined to be questioned as a living as if they were living in us to keep exploring

[41:36]

for me anyway, over the years, the study of these has allowed me to reflect on my practice, understand my responses a bit better, and let go a little bit of the judgment I have when what is happening for me is perceived as a negative response to these. So to remove this from a heavy kind of a study that inflicts wounds on our belief system and our self-worth, it can be a study that supports us, that sheds light on our

[43:20]

that sheds light on our practice and points us in directions. Points to the moon. So I think that's enough of me I would be delighted to answer questions or hear what people have to say about precepts and their exploration of precepts. If you would like to ask a question, please raise your hand.

[44:28]

And we'd like to invite those who don't normally speak up to have this opportunity to speak first, if you so wish. Does samsara end? Never. Do you want to say something about your question? I was hoping for a trick of the trade to get through it. Oh, I wish I could give you a trick of the trade. so all there is is the daily grind.

[45:29]

And hope for divine providence. Well, what about divine providence? Can I get you out of this? So, you said there's only the daily grind. Yes. However, how we experience the daily grind... can change. We can get up with an angry mind thinking, I do not want to do X. I do not want to do Y. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do that. Or we can train ourselves to think, I get to get up. I get to have a frothy, milky coffee. I get to fill in the blank. So I think my understanding anyway of training ourselves through zazen or practice is changing the shape of our thoughts.

[46:43]

What do you think about that? Well, that means changing us, which is why we Well, as one teacher put it on the spiritual path, your lows get higher and your highs get higher. And that seems to be what's going on. No matter how miserable you are, you know the mind is going to change and be better. No matter how happy you are, you know the mind will change and be worse. And so the, steadying the mind seems to be the issue. I would agree with you. Anyone else have a question? I feel like I'm on the spot.

[47:50]

You can just hand the microphone back to Kevin and you don't have to be on the spot. Thank you very much. Hi there. Hi. Hi there. Thank you for your talk. One... precept that's been rolling around in my mind and I'm not sure you know is the possessiveness and greed and how that balances with generosity and in like a career path if taking a big interview for a role that could be make a difference for your family and maybe paying off family's debt but with you know maybe not trying to even seek wealth even for the benefit of your family.

[48:52]

So I'm kind of weighing, you know, this could make a big difference for the stability of my family, but at the same time, am I just pursuing this for greed because it pays a lot more money? On the other hand, I could maybe donate more to causes. So I'm sort of weighing, like, am I just being greedy for going down this path or should I just be settled with what is currently and... you know, make the most of just my current situation. Thank you for your question. Does the job interest you? It does. It does. Yeah. Like topic wise and I feel like I could also grow skills and it would challenge me. So, yeah. So for myself, what I would say is if you were going to take the job and you thought the job, really sucked. And there was nothing about it that would be good except for the fact that it would improve the financial state of your family.

[49:59]

That might be a great reason to take the job. Despite the fact that you didn't even like the job. Because you are you have a family, and in our current condition, providing for that family is important. So I think, again, it depends on the way you're viewing that. Doing something for more money doesn't always involve greed, I don't think. I think that's a little... maybe that would be a little too black and white. And a little too judgy on yourself. Yeah, I'm very judgy. So approaching it in a softer way, which is, so what are the pros of the job?

[51:02]

What are the benefits? And do I think I'm being greedy, really? Or is that... not a reasonable place for my mind to go. I think that's more helpful. I think it's easy to get caught by quick answers, like, oh, that's greed, or that's anger, or that's delusion. And I think the thing about this exploration of the precepts allows us to move away from those very pat responses or answers and into a much more engaged exploration of what that precept is. So please let off yourself.

[52:06]

Another question. Thank you so much for your talk. I think something that I sit with and I think I understand is that maybe in the teaching it's that what you were saying, that it's perfect because it is as it is. And when you were talking about not harboring ill will, I sometimes wonder with a spiritual practice and pulling the attention back to myself and my mind, what is the line between taking that responsibility and when there's really been a rupture and when it becomes a little bit of spiritual bypassing or... but you call it the practice of going towards self, and that's something I'm sitting with.

[53:25]

Please continue to sit with that. And the reason why I say that is because I think the body generally knows. The body generally knows when something is going awry. When somebody says something and you're like, oh, I don't think that's true. Or what's happening there? That kind of like, ooh, ooh, feeling. But it takes a while to, I believe, me, it's taken me a while to actually tune into what my body's saying. So that's part of my practice. And I think a part of... I imagine many other people's practice is like, instead of it all being up here, it's more like, what's happening here? Trust this. And that very, very infrequently will send you in the wrong direction, I think.

[54:34]

Because that thing you're talking about, like... That's a very living thing, and sometimes we can feel like this effort is right, and sometimes it's to be questioned. So it's not a blind faith that we're after, I would say. It's an informed, changeable, living faith, if that makes sense to you. And that also happens in relationship with other people and dialogue and conversation. And if somebody is saying something that you're not sure about, to have a spiritual friend or somebody that you can say, this happened, what do you think about this? So I think that conversation or connection is also very important. And it's, yeah, that's such an important...

[55:39]

aspect of practice. It's like when we're heading too far into this way and when we're heading too far into that way. And that striving for that sweet spot or the middle way as it's often referred to. Does that make some sense? Yeah, thank you. You're very welcome. Another question. Thanks for your talk. You're welcome. I was hoping you could say maybe a little bit more about taking refuge in a perfect teacher, perfect dharma, perfect sangha, what that means. Because when I hear that term, I associate that with sort of infallible.

[56:42]

And I'm wondering if that's what you mean. Yeah. Thank you for the question. Can I tell a story first? Go for it. Okay. So I was living at a dharma center. And a Tibetan teacher who had been teaching for, I don't know, you know, like 60 years came. And he was leading this retreat. And at the beginning of every day with the senior people, they would all gather together and they'd go through the agenda for the day. And they would say, well, we had meditation this morning. And he'd say, that's it. And then he'd say, we did... The other people would say, well, we did a yoga practice. And he'd be like, oh, how perfect. And then breakfast, fabulous. So they'd go through the whole thing and he would, with excitement, say how wonderful this activity was.

[57:44]

And the senior people, the first few days were like... He's just shining us on. He's just saying that. But the thing was, this fellow really believed that the activity of those participants in that retreat was perfect. Even though mistakes were being made all over the place, and the food was kind of iffy, and there were lots of dynamics, and yet for him, that was all part of the experience. So he really did believe that the outcome with all of the things that were happening was not something to be criticized. It was this wonderful gathering of people being human. So in the spirit of that, I think that

[58:50]

This is, in my mind, what I think of and what I have to wrestle with is when I was in school and I would do like a bunch of math problems and I would hand it in, or, you know, the class would, some people would have 100% right answers and they'd have a perfect paper or perfect quiz. Some of us would hand something in and we'd have like, yeah, maybe 50%, not perfect. And that there was this thing that was judged to be perfect and then there was this other thing that was obviously not perfect. That is not the perfection we're talking about here. I don't believe. I think we're talking about the perfection that Suzuki Roshi talked about when he said, you're perfect and you can use a little improvement. So... The Buddha was a human being.

[59:55]

And as an example, he is a perfect teacher. And yet I'm sure some days with the people in the Sangha, they felt he was making wrong decisions. Because they were human and he was a human. And in the Dharma, there are perfect teachings, but there are some teachings that I don't relate to. I can't penetrate their meaning. So for me, that particular teaching is not helpful. However, there are teachings that are completely helpful. So I try to find... It's not being selective. For me, that doesn't mean it's selective. It means that there are things that as one human I relate to and other things I don't relate to. And I'm looking at the whole body of dharma as perfect and yet not all of it meets me.

[61:03]

And then the sangha, oh my God, I could talk about that forever, you know? It can be so shitty to live in a community. It really can be. And yet, there's this, I guess it's the closest it is, is like siblings, you know? Like, you can get in lockstep with your siblings and they can support you, but you can fight. and disagree, and then you come back together, and it's good. So again, it's like, maybe it's talking about, it's the perfect crucible to iron out all of our imperfections in relationship with another person, with a group of people. So, it's a dynamic perfect I'm talking about. Does that meet your question?

[62:11]

Yes. Okay. Thank you. Thank you for the question. We have time for maybe one more question. don't feel any pressure. Because there's tea and cookies apparently. There is. I cannot see you. Would you mind standing? Thank you very much. So my question is around have you always treasured the precepts? Or what has your relationship been with them over time. So in Zen it is it can be a very usual thing to hear that sitting is the most important thing.

[63:27]

Sitting is enough. All you need to do is sit. And I don't think that's quite accurate. Unless while we're sitting, we're in relationship. And our brain is changing. So sitting is not... So you can be plunked down on a zafu in perfect posture and you're not doing zazen. where you can be in an imperfect posture with lots going around and doing zazen. And I think that the study of the precepts supports and informs zazen.

[64:28]

So there are times when I have, over the last unbelievably, 25 years of practice, not thought one tiny bit about precepts. And then there are other times when it's the most alive part of my practice. And that is usually because I'm suffering, because I'm really angry at somebody, and I have to remember that I'm not supposed to harbor ill will. Or... I've just completely trashed somebody and then I feel terrible about it. So then I'm talking about false speech with other people and getting support. So I believe that we can really only pay attention to one thing at a time. I'm not of the multitasker school. It's not my personality. And so I think there are times when

[65:33]

The precepts are here. And there are other times when they're part of a more integrated approach to my practice. You're very welcome. Okay. Thank you very much. Thank you, Marianne. I stand to every man's place. Whenever there's a true man, there's a love of God's memory. The beginnings of our great weatherst.

[66:34]

I have never wanted to stay with them. Yet the rich man will be sought by our great sons of all. I don't know if anybody wants to live with them. [...] I don't know if anybody wants to Good morning, everyone.

[68:56]

Thank you so much for coming. My name is Kevin. I'm the Eno here at City Center, the head of the Meditation Hall, and I have a few announcements. As always, you are more than invited, more than welcome to come practice with us. We have morning zazen in service. We have evening zazen in service. Both start at 5.40, one in the morning, one in the afternoon. But please get here by 5.30. Dharma Talks, as you know, So please come and join us whenever your schedule allows. We'll have Zendo Forms today with Michael. Michael's here. Michael, where were you wanting to meet people? Okay. So Zendo forms right after. The next Dharma Talk is this Wednesday evening, February 7th, with Eli Brown-Stevenson here to my left.

[69:57]

That'll be 7.30 p.m. right here in the Zendo. There'll be a one-day sit, the monthly February one-day sit. We'll be on the 17th at the Unity Church, which is right down the street, a five-minute walk or so from here. Information is on the website if you would like to join in on that one-day sit. We'll also have a special performance here in a month, right here in the Zendo. Yogetsu Akasaka is a Japanese Zen monk, but also a musician. You may see him on YouTube. He has, I don't know, 150,000 followers or so. He does chants, the Heart Sutra, the Inmejuku Kanan Gyo, all kinds of different sacred chants put to various kinds of music. He calls it a beatbox meditation journey. And that's here on March 2nd, 7 p.m., I believe, right here in the Zendo, which will be the first time we've done something like this in the Zendo in a long time, maybe ever.

[71:04]

We are collecting new and unused socks for unhoused neighbors. There's a basket in the Gaitan where you can drop them off. You might have seen that when you came in. And as Mary alluded to, there is indeed tea and cookies in the conference center right after this. So to get to the conference center when you go out the door, make a right, go up Page Street, and it's the next building up. It has a black gate out front. And walk up the stairs. You'll see the tea and cookies there in the conference center. I'd like to pass the mic over to Shoko, who is our Director of Development, and he will give a little talk. Hi, everyone. Thanks for coming. hopefully not a talk as much as just a little announcement here. My name is Shoko, and as Kevin mentioned, I serve as our development director here at Zen Center. And we're happy to offer as much of our schedule as we can free of charge here at Zen Center.

[72:13]

And the financial reality is that we do rely on donations to sustain us. So I would like to invite you to make a donation if you... would like, there is a donation box in the hallway where you can do that online. And if you have been enjoying our talks and daily Zazen and things, also would like to invite you to become a monthly member at Zen Center, which is very easy to do online. Just click the Give tab and membership. And in whatever way you can support, all donations are gratefully received. And so thank you so much. And is there now an announcement from Urban Gate? Hi, my name's Hunter.

[73:18]

I'm part of the Urban Gate Sangha. We meet weekly and play the instruments that you hear during Zazen. We also meet for a practice discussion afterwards and kind of help out volunteering around the Zendo and such. So if you'd like to join us, we will have a sign up at Tea and Cookies. There's a little notepad there we can add you to our mailing list. We send out weekly emails to tell what's going on for the next week. So thank you. Once again, thank you so much for coming this morning. If a few people can stay behind to help me put the Zendo back together, that's always appreciated. Have a great weekend. Thank you so much.

[74:07]

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