This podcast is offered by San Francisco's Zen Center on the web at sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening, everyone, and welcome. Those of you here in the room and those of you out there on Zoom, it's my pleasure to be here. My name is Roger. I'm a... resident here at City Center and also a practice leader. So I do come to you tonight with a heavy heart. Today I learned of two deaths of friends of mine and fellow practitioners of mine, and also there was a death a couple weeks ago of another friend and practitioner, All of these three individuals have had very strong impact in my life.

[01:02]

Today, this morning, Silver John Hall passed away, a longtime Zen practitioner, and lay entrusted, who was living in Sonoma. And he and I studied and worked together along the Zen path. And then I was speaking with a friend of mine on the phone early in the evening, and he informed me that a friend of mine passed away just recently, a fellow that I traveled the path in 12-step work with, and sponsor and sponsee, and he had been ill for some time, but he passed away not so long ago. And then a few weeks ago, His name was Rick Rucker. And a few weeks ago, a woman, Patricia Brown, passed away, who was a very influential yoga and meditation teacher to me and for me.

[02:08]

And so the path that we travel is not always happy. It's not always to our liking, but it's always revealing. uh it's always meaningful and impactful and uh that character buffalo bill had to say i never could resist the call of the path and it's so so true that we cannot resist the call of the path we're always on the path and sometimes it's dark and sometimes it's light and airy and buoyant and uh If you're anything like me, I can be a character of extremes, and either I'm in some dark place and feeling insecure and troubled, or I'm buoyant and happy and bursting forward.

[03:09]

And we tend to think it's one way or the other, but it's not. There is the middle path, as we've so heard in Buddhism. And I want to talk about that some today, tonight. So not only can we not resist the call of the path, because like it or not, we're always on it. And that's for us to recognize. That's for us to cultivate. And that's for us to be involved with. Sometimes we are near and sometimes we're far from where we think we're going. But sometimes we always kind of think we're going somewhere on this path, that it has some goal. It's out there, up there, or over there, or back here, or what have you. But the path is not linear. The paths are circuitous. And I've spoken several times before about the labyrinth. And... You may know that labyrinths are different than mazes.

[04:12]

Labyrinths have one route into the center and one route out. But it's very circuitous. So you're walking the labyrinths, and it's an incredible metaphor for life. It's an incredible metaphor for that nature. path of life that we're all on because you're walking around and you think you're almost to the center and oh boy I'm there I've succeeded I've done it you know this can be the mindset but in fact what happens all of a sudden you're way back out on the perimeter because the labyrinth is a series of turns and you make a turn and then that path may take you way back out and then but you're still on the path and you are still progressing and If you're real conscious, you're still right there, present. So keeping that in mind, hopefully we don't get stuck in that linear concept of the path.

[05:13]

I'm going to do this, and then that will happen, and that will happen, and that will happen, and it will always be going this way. But we get oftentimes very disappointed at that point because then there's a blip in it. Or the path goes circuitous like the labyrinth. As it says at the end of the harmony of difference and equality, if you don't understand the way right before you, how will you know the path as you walk? In other words, right here, right now before me, not out there, not back there. How will you know the path as you walk? Progress is not a matter of far or near, but if you are confused, mountains and rivers block your way. I respectfully urge you who study the mystery, do not pass your days and nights in vain. And one of the ways I can pass my days and nights in vain is by wishing it was like this or regretting it's like that or, you know, oh, this is problematic or what do I do now or what have you.

[06:23]

Don't pass your days and nights in vain. It's saying, basically, be present. So the journey along the path is about being present. Being right here, right now. Right on the path. Listening for the request. Because the path issues requests and invitations. Oh, here's an opportunity for you. Or here's a glitch that may have some... Aid in your progression, aid in your understanding. So you listen for that request or invitation, which to my mind and to my thinking come from deep within us, from our Buddha nature. And the more we can get close to that, the more we can listen to that, the more that our life moves smoothly. These requests come in subtle ways sometimes. It's clear that in inspiration, sometimes it's like stumbling or entering into the dark.

[07:31]

And sometimes we're struck by inspiration and sometimes by foresight. But it's important to listen, both with your hearts, your souls, and with your eyes and your ears. The journey is every moment. So the journey along the path, as I mentioned, is full of twists and turns. It is like that labyrinth And I've spoken about the labyrinth before and about that circuitous path in and back out again. And it's a real, as I mentioned also, it's a metaphor for life. Interestingly, for me, for many years, I was having a very difficult time trying to meditate and such. And through an inspiration, if you will, through looking in what, I don't know, yeah, I think they still have it. The San Francisco Chronicle has a Sunday's date book section.

[08:33]

And in that date book section in the back used to be a list of things. And while I looked at it, when I did, and this was now 30 some odd years ago, there was a little listing and it said, Labyrinth at Grace Cathedral. And I don't know why, but it struck me. I knew nothing about labyrinths, but it said there was an event happening on such and such a night. And I went to it, and I started walking the labyrinths. And somehow that was a message I got, I consider, from my Buddha nature, look at this and go, and I did. And it worked for me, that I could do that. I could walk labyrinths, and somehow it was meaningful, and it became more and more meaningful. And it offered me something that I didn't have before. So what happens if the path becomes dark?

[09:37]

That was an inspirational one, and that was joyous and happy and led to many years of me walking the labyrinth, which I still do regularly. Should you be interested in your local, at Grace Cathedral, On California and Taylor, there are two labyrinths. One's outside and one's inside the cathedral. And it's a really wonderful experience going there and walking them. At any rate, what happens if it becomes dark on your path? If it becomes difficult? Well, Carl Jung said, the natural mind, natural mind, is the mind which absolutely... says absolutely straight and ruthless things to us. So our mind sometimes says straight and ruthless things, and sometimes we need to hear that. Often these deep events, dark events, can lead to benefits.

[10:40]

When shelter-in-place was declared, I was living here at Zen Center, and the director at that time, Michael McCord, said to me, you're at risk. And we were all at risk, but I was more at risk of such a thing because of my age. And he said, if you want to go to your place in West Marin, you're welcome to him. We support you in doing so. So I went out there and I had this place for some time, but I'd never lived there continuously. And so I'm out there during the pandemic. And I'm on Zoom every morning doing Zazen and going to classes and Dharma talks and what have you. But I started walking. Now, prior to that, I hardly ever walked. And this is not an exaggeration. That if I was here at Page and Laguna and I had to go over to Hayden Webster, I'd hop in my car and drive there.

[11:46]

And if I drove over there and there wasn't a place to park, I'm turning around and going back to Page and Laguna. Now some people are thinking this is pretty bad. Well, so the darkness of the pandemic led me to Bellinas and lo and behold, I started walking. And I walked four to six miles Each and every day. Well, I was very fortunate because I had a beautiful place to do it in nature and some beaches and woods and trees and what have you. But that darkness, that problem of the pandemic led to that. Sometimes we feel lost on the path, confused and even desperate. Another example is I was a serious alcoholic. And when I say serious, literally I was a daily drunk.

[12:50]

And I was in great despair. And I was unhappy. I was getting no relief from my drinking. I could not not drink. And I didn't know what to do about it and how to deal with it. And I even went to the doctor to get a... physical to find out what was wrong with me because I was thinking I must have heart disease or cancer or something or other. Actually, I had a hangover on a daily basis. And the doctor said, give me bad news. He said, you're all right. And I didn't want to hear that. I was more willing to be seriously ill, although I was seriously ill, of alcoholism, but not with heart disease or not with cancer. And he said, have you ever thought of going to AA? And I said, no. And I didn't for two years. But out of that darkness, one night I'm sitting in a bar.

[13:56]

It's 3 a.m. in the morning. I knew the bartender, so we didn't have to quit at 2 a.m. And he's at one end and I'm at the other. And again, that voice came from within me. from what I consider my Buddha nature. And I said, hey, Eddie, I think I should go to AA. Now, I'd never been, and I didn't know what it was other than the doctor said I should go. And he looked up and he said, you know what, you're right. And then he said, when are you going to go? And I said, well, I'll go today. And I did, and that's now almost 33 years later. And so that darkness, That depth of despair and all the things that happened to me when I was a practicing alcoholic led me to a beautiful place of recovery. And it transformed my life. Abbot David referred to this poem and told me about it.

[15:00]

And it's a poem called Lost by David Wagner. And it goes like this. Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you are not lost. Wherever you are is called here, and you must treat it as a powerful stranger. You must ask permission to know it and be known. The forest breathes. Listen. It answers. I have made this place around you. If you leave it, you may come back again, saying here. No two trees are the same to raven. No two branches are the same to wren. If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you, you are surely lost. Stand still. In other words, be present. Stand still.

[16:02]

The forest knows where you are. You must let it find you. So on that path, when you're in that darkness and you think you're lost, stand still a moment and let that forest find you. Let that way find you. Out of the darkness can come light. So one way to honor these requests and these invitations that come forward when we're on the path is zazen. sitting still, standing here right now. It's not always direct. Often, sometimes an event may occur, but it's ordinary. It's really ordinary. It's not some glorious thing happening in the cosmos, necessarily. Celestial sounds or lights or miraculous miracles occurring. It happens right now, right here, right where you are in an ordinary mind, in an ordinary way.

[17:09]

In the koan, Nashun's ordinary mind is the way. Joshin asked Nashun, what is the way? Or he might say, what is the path? And Nashun says, ordinary mind is the way, or the Tao, or the path. Joshin then asked, shall I try to seek after it? And Nashans then said, if you try for it, you will become separated from it. So I mentioned Patricia Brown earlier who passed away a few weeks ago. And I'm indebted to her for what she led me to in a very simple way. As I alluded to, I had a very difficult time meditating. And literally for 40 years, I could not really handle it. I could not really do it. It didn't work like I thought it ought to or I wanted it to.

[18:12]

And one day, well, not just one day, but at a time, I thought, I really would like to take a vacation. I need a vacation. my work and what I was doing. And I didn't know what to do or where to go, but I'd been practicing some yoga and I thought maybe a yoga retreat would be a wonderful thing to do. So I went online and I found this place in Maine called Rolling Meadows Retreat. And it was run by Patricia Brown and her partner, Surya. And they both gave retreats in Maine, but also in different places. Now, I had never heard of them. I knew nothing about them. A little bit on the Internet. But they were giving a retreat called a yoga and meditation retreat in Tulum, in the Yucatan, at the bottom of the Yucatan Peninsula. And I didn't even know where Tulum was or anything about it.

[19:15]

But that invitation, that request, from within me said, that's the thing to go to. I mean, it wasn't consciously like that. I didn't say go, but I did. I signed up and I went. And so this was a week-long retreat and we would meditate each day. And I found out I could meditate. And the reason I could meditate was because it was very ordinary. It wasn't about this or that. It was like, be here, be now. And that's what Patricia somehow conveyed to me. And I was forever grateful for that. And I started meditating. And then I exclaimed to some friends, wow, what a wonderful thing. I'm meditating, and I'm so excited. And they said, well, maybe you should go to San Francisco Buddhist Center. It was in the mission, because they practiced there. And I took a course. And I started meditating, and I'd go there several times a week, and I was so excited.

[20:20]

One time in an AA meeting, I said to a friend there, wow, I'm meditating. I really like it. And this friend said, well, you should come to San Francisco Zen Center on a Monday night. There's a meeting called Meditation and Recovery. And he said, you'll know people there. And sure, he said, I'll meet you there Monday night. So I went. So, you know, out of the darkness of my alcoholism, I got sober, I went to a meditation retreat, and it led me to the door of Zen Center 17 years ago. And when I walked in that door, I have not left. To the dismay, perhaps, of a few people. But you're stuck with me. Yeah, I practiced four years as a... Non-resident. And then I retired and I moved into Zen Center some 11, 12 years ago now.

[21:21]

And I lived here and lived at Green Gulch and also at Tassajara. So Patricia led me to that because she made meditation ordinary. Not something that I thought it ought to be like that or like this or something. That ordinary mind that Nassan talked about. He went on. When he said, and he was speaking to Joshin, the way, the path, is not a matter of knowing or not knowing. Knowing is delusion. Not knowing is confusion. When you have really reached the true way beyond doubt, you will find it as vast. Not just the small mind, but vast. The big mind and the small mind. also the big mind. You'll find a tranquil and constant mind unites large and small mind. Nashon continued, and boundless is outer space. Sojin Mel Weitzman said when speaking about ordinary mind, when we seek the extraordinary, we stumble past because we miss the truly extraordinary.

[22:37]

the request or the invitation right beneath our feet. We miss that. The truly extraordinary is found within the so-called ordinary. The beautiful gem is found within the lump of rock. The doorway of enlightenment, the gateless gate, is open right in front of us. But it is so obvious and ordinary that it is only visible to the selfless. Those open to and proactive on the path, this is now not Mel, but those open to and proactive on the path to what is right in front of us, what's beneath our feet. So Norman Fisher, another revered Zen teacher, his sangha is called Everyday Zen, which is his way of saying ordinary Zen. Norman said, the destination on the path is like the horizon, a place we can walk toward, a direction we can go in, but not a place where we arrive.

[23:54]

In the journey along the path toward the horizon, the only place we take steps is here, the ground on which we stand, the ordinary ground. So thank you all. And we all have our paths, and they interact and interrelate, and we come and we go, and we love and we have compassion for one another, and we help one another along the way. So may you travel your path with love, compassion, and equanimity. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, please visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we all fully enjoy the Dharma.

[24:56]

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