This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. Welcome to all of you sitting in this sendo and to all of you who are watching by other means. I've sat in the sendo many, many times and I've not ever given a talk in the sendo. So this is an interesting change. So before I start, I was wondering if all of us could participate in arriving in this room, stopping for a moment, following your breath for a couple of minutes.

[01:02]

setting aside the activity that you just finished, and arriving in this room. And for those of you who are live streaming, to set aside, if you can, the concerns that have faced you until this moment, and bring yourself here. Feel the chair, or the zafu, Feel your breath. Thank you very much.

[02:52]

I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Mary. I lived for many years as a community member. I lived in all three temples of San Francisco Zen Center, so Green Gulch Farm, Tassajara Zen Mountain Center, and City Center Temple. I'm currently living in San Francisco, not in this community, and I work for... Zen-inspired senior living, which is owned by San Francisco Zen Center. So I'm spending five days a week in Healdsburg right now with that community as they move from a construction site to a residential community. So that's how I'm supporting the sangha these days. I'd like to thank Tim for inviting me. Tim. Wicks as City Center Tonto for the invitation to speak today. So thank you, Tim.

[03:57]

And I would also like to acknowledge that right now a practice period is happening at City Center, and it's led by the City Center Abbott Mako. So thank you for supporting me to give this talk. I understand that the topic of conversation for the practice period is is the 16 bodhisattva precepts and how they support our everyday lives. So I thought I would... I got an email from Tim asking me if I could just mention this topic, and instead of mentioning it, I thought I would speak a little bit about the precepts, because at this time in my life, they form a very central part of my practice. This is perfect timing for me, and I hope that some of the things I say support your practice. One of the things I've heard about the precepts is they're often listed as do not, [...] do not.

[05:10]

And people say it would be better if they were put in the affirmative. Be more helpful. I wish they would be different. And... there are ways to say these precepts in the affirmative. Many teachers have listed them, have spoken about them, have changed the language to the affirmative. However, I have been thinking about this, and there's this phrase... that is common in Zen, which is a finger pointing to the moon. So we can't touch the moon. We can only point to it. And one of the things that I think is that we can describe what not to do often easier than we can describe what to do. Because what to do is a very individual thing.

[06:14]

In a general sense, we can say, don't kill. However, in a very personal sense, the exploration is up to each person. And by putting it in this way, by listing the precepts in this way, it invites exploration of the precept, I think. I think it makes it a little bit more difficult. The Dharma challenges us, always. It doesn't necessarily put things in the easiest way, the most accessible way. It asks of us to explore ideas, explore our... explore our past, and come up with something that works for us.

[07:23]

So for me, having the list of precepts often explored in this way, do not, is an invitation to be clear about the direction I want to go, which is a little bit opposite, I think. Counterintuitive, maybe. And in your exploration during this practice period, if you're reading about the precepts through... Makos talks about the precepts through the sashins that are done, the one-day sits. If these questions arise for you around what these precepts mean, then you'll notice that the responses or the way they land with you will change.

[08:37]

And I think that's also part of the importance of working with the precepts. Of the 16 bodhisattva precepts, the first three are commonly referred to as the three refuges. We do these during our ceremonies at Zen Center every day. during service. And we take them formally as we do different levels of ordination. Lay ordination, priest ordination, dharma transmission. So the first time I took refuge was in June of 1999.

[09:41]

And I had come in my life to a point where I didn't understand what was happening. I had had a sister who had experienced mental illness for many years and she committed suicide in 1997. And although we as a family knew that she was in pain and suffering, we didn't know how to talk about her pain and suffering among ourselves, nor to her. And her suicide was a surprise, a devastating surprise.

[10:42]

And Each of my siblings and my parents, I would say, reacted or responded in different ways. My way was complete bewilderment, and I didn't understand how to think about it, how to manage, how to talk about what I was experiencing. And the pieces of my... everyday life crumbled. My long-term relationship crumbled. My work life changed. My relationship to my family changed. My relationship to my friends changed. And I think a lot of that was grieving.

[11:46]

A lot of that was, as I say, bewilderment. and I heard from a friend that another friend of hers had just come back from a six-month time at a Buddhist retreat center. And for whatever good fortune, I thought that's what I would like to do. I had not... been exposed to Buddhism before. I did not have a regular sitting practice at that time. I wouldn't have known what that meant, probably. So I wrote a letter and was accepted to go to a place called Gampo Abbey in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia, Canada. And I arrived in April

[12:49]

And for the first time in a long time, and maybe for the first time in my life, the sitting, the conversation, the practices of that place were in a language that I understood. And it felt like I was able to relax to be supported by the sitting practice, and to have rest, to put down my bewilderment and not have to engage with that. And so I arrived in April and I was given the opportunity to take refuge there in June.

[13:52]

Very fast in terms of a Zen timeline. This wasn't a Zen place, it was a Shambhala retreat center. And I took refuge with Pema Chodron the first time. And I can only say that the comfort that that activity brought me was indescribable. It's the feeling of arriving in a place you didn't even know you were going to arrive to. The feeling of speaking a language that you were speaking your whole life but you didn't know that there were other people that spoke that language. And I've taken refuge five times in total, in a very formal way, and then hundreds and hundreds of times in a less formal way.

[15:09]

And just as sitting practice is a way to have this memory in our bodies, a way to experience something over and over and over again so you remember. Taking refuge, I think, needs to be approached in the same way. Doing it once. can be extremely meaningful. But actually engaging in it multiple times is the meat. It's the food. It's the sustenance that we need in our lives. It's not a once done and finished. It's a practice that we commit to and recommit to and look at in different ways and think about in different ways.

[16:19]

So taking refuge in the Buddha is taking refuge in a teacher, in the perfect teacher. Taking refuge in Dharma is taking refuge in the teaching And not just the teaching, but the perfect teaching. And taking refuge in the Sangha is not just taking refuge in a supportive community. It's taking refuge in the supportive community. And it takes a while to get there. Maybe it takes the rest of our lives. To feel that taking refuge in the Buddha is taking refuge in a perfect example. And taking refuge in the Dharma is taking refuge in the perfect teaching.

[17:31]

And taking refuge in the Sangha, tricky, is taking refuge in the perfect community. Imagine. A community with all its flaws, with all its personalities, with all its conversations, with all its difficulties. Imagining that that is perfect. I know I'm not there. And what does that mean? With our minds... We like to criticize. We like to poke holes in things. We like to believe that our perspective is the most important perspective, that we can add something. That through the power of our minds, we can create something better. And the refuges are saying, we have something perfect.

[18:40]

does that mean? So studying about the refuges, thinking about that, coming face to face when you think, oh, there's really something wrong with this Lotus Sutra. Or there's really something wrong with that person that I'm sitting next to who slurps their oreochi food. So what does, what shape of the mind allows for that? And is that a reasonable expectation for us? Does it mean that we're giving up our critical mind does it mean like we're following like sheep or that it's cultish well probably sometimes that that is what it means but then if that's the result it's not perfect so then we go back and delve deeper

[20:09]

And then the next time we come up with an answer, we delve deeper. Or we go wider. Or we think differently. And the 16 bodhisattva precepts ask this of us. They say, oh, you think you have the answer? You think that's good enough? Try again. Don't be happy with that. Ask of yourself more. Ask of the Sangha more. Ask of the Dharma more. Ask of the Buddha more. I've heard and I believe that Buddhism is more about asking questions than getting answers. And I think the conversation for me around the precepts is more about asking

[21:14]

rather than having them respond. The next set of three pure precepts are, again, appointing for me They're put in different ways. Refrain from evil. Another way to say that is cease from harm. Number two is make every effort to live in enlightenment. Some people translate this as do only good. The third is vow to live and be lived for the benefit of all beings. And some people... or translate this or use the language do good for others.

[22:20]

These are a big ask. Suzuki Roshi said do one good thing and 20 bad things will happen. So doing only good is true. very tricky. Because what I think is good might be the worst thing for somebody else. So for me, these three ask or point to the idea of stay in relationship. Can you ask somebody if what you intend to do will cause them harm? Can you find out if how you're living is working for other people?

[23:33]

We have such a belief, such a strong belief that in independence in this culture. And I'm not sure that's working out so well for us. So for me, thinking about this as staying in relationship with other people demands a lot from me. Demands a lot from the other person who I'm in relationship with. And that relationship changes. Relationships do not stay stagnant as you all imagine, as you all have experienced in your lives. So what does that even mean to stay in relationship? Next ten vows.

[25:10]

I'm sure you will talk about them in these next weeks among yourselves, among small groups, among large groups at lectures. But I'd like to talk about a couple that are particularly relevant for me at this moment. The one I have been working with for years actually is found not to harbor ill will. And it's... This is one that for me is... humbling, embarrassing, brings up a lack of kindness to myself, a lack of kindness to other people.

[26:19]

And I've been thinking lately that what this points to for me is that I have a hard time staying in the present moment. Because if I were in the present moment, it would be impossible to harbor ill will. Resentment is a thing of the past. And we carry it into this moment and grind the axe. And if I'm living now, if I'm working with reality, Harboring ill will doesn't really work. And it's so darn easy to harbor ill will when you live in a community. All those times I would go into the toilet and there would be no toilet paper.

[27:28]

All those times I'd go into the kitchen and all One piece of tofu would be at the bottom of a five-gallon pail. All those times. All those times. And for those of you that haven't lived in a community, I'm pretty sure it's easy to come up with a few examples, even if you're living by yourself. We can harbor ill will against our pet. We can harbor ill will against the weather. We can harbor ill will against those we love most dearly and cherish. And it doesn't really make sense in the context of being in the present moment.

[28:34]

So it's hard. It's hard to get there. It asks a lot of us. It asks a lot of me. And I work on this. And it will be a lifetime effort for me. Because I have a very strong ego that wants to have the upper hand. So that's a pretty good one for me right now. The other one that I think of quite a lot is vow not to take what is not given. So Two nights ago I was at a restaurant with a couple of friends and the bill was paid and after the bill was paid and I went home I looked at the bill and the waiter had forgotten to add two cups of coffee to the bill.

[30:01]

And there are lots of ways to look at this. You know, there's the, well, that was very nice. Less that I had to pay. Or there's the other way, which is, oh gosh, I wonder if this person will get in trouble. Did I receive something that I didn't pay for? And it actually gave me pause to think about, did I receive something that wasn't given? Sometimes when I look at the bill before I pay, I'll then say, oh, you forgot to add this. And the wait staff will say, oh, great, I'll go do the bill again. Or they'll say, oh, thanks for your care and attention. And that's on the house. So it goes different ways.

[31:08]

But for me, their response is less important than my paying attention to that. What am I trying to get? I think this is about being clean and not having to remember. Think about living in community, or living somewhere with other people, you're in the shower, you have soaked up, you're ready to shampoo your hair, and you reach for your shampoo and you realize that you didn't bring it. But somebody else's shampoo is in the shower. So what are you going to do? Are you going to dry off, go to your room, get your own shampoo?

[32:09]

Or are you gonna think, they won't notice. I'll take just a little drop. And again, it's not the fact that this person probably won't mind. It's what, what is your mind doing? Is it saying all, take the shampoo, and then I'll talk to them later about the fact that I did? Is it saying, oh, I'm going to use this, they won't mind, and not checking it out? I think it's like, what is the activity of the mind? If you are walking down the street and there's a $5 bill on the street and nobody around, do you pick it up?

[33:19]

Do you feel like the universe offered it to you? So again, it's not so much the answer that's important. Because one time you might take the $5 bill and the next time you might not. It's asking the question. What is your mind doing? What is this precept saying? What is it saying today? What is it saying tomorrow? These precepts, I think, are meant to roll around to be examined, to be questioned as a living, as if they were living in us.

[34:31]

To keep exploring I think they, for me anyway, over the years, the study of these has allowed me to reflect on my practice, understand my responses a bit better, and let go a little bit of the judgment I have when what is happening for me is perceived as a negative response to these. So to remove this from a heavy kind of a study that inflicts wounds on our belief system and our self-worth, it can be a study that supports us, that sheds light on our

[36:22]

that sheds light on our practice and points us in directions, points to the moon. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[37:03]

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