This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. All my ancient twisted karma From beginningless greed, hate and delusion born through body, speech and mind I now fully avow all my ancient twisted karma From beginningless greed, hate, and delusion, born through body, speech, and mind, I now fully avow all my ancient twisted karma.

[01:20]

From beginningless greed, hate and delusion Born through body, speech and mind I now fully avow I take refuge in Buddha Before all beings. Immersing body and mind deeply in the way. Awakening true mind. I take refuge in Dharma. Before all beings. entering deeply the merciful ocean of Buddha's way.

[02:22]

I take refuge in Sangha before all beings, bringing harmony to everyone, free from hindrance. Thank you. Very full. Thank you, Rosalie, for inviting me to give this talk and for supporting me. I'm actually really happy to be sitting here tonight, which is quite wonderful. bringing harmony to everyone free from hindrance, that last line. We chant three times, a lot of our chants, three times.

[03:25]

And I think about what is the effect of those three times. And for me, it's kind of an energetic progression. The first time I hear it with my ears, And the second time, I feel it more viscerally, like the vibration in my body cavity or my head. And the third time, it feels like it infuses the field of awareness among us. So there's just sound and energy. And then there are the echoes of all the chanting that's happened in this room for more than 40 years. and all the echoes through the thousands of years of our ancestors. Now this doesn't always happen, sometimes I'm just sleepy or distracted, but sometimes those three times feel like they go broader and deeper.

[04:28]

So five mornings a week we chant that chant that we just did to open morning service. And in recent weeks, I've been struck by that last line and kind of seeing it in boldface type in my mind. And there's a question with it. And the question is, there's this voice asking me, what does this mean to you? And how are you living it? It's a good, it's a gentle voice, not a harsh voice. How are you living it? And this is what I want us to think about tonight. And this line, bringing harmony to everyone free from hindrance. But first I want to talk a little bit about the repentances and refuges. So what is repentance? One meaning talks about reviewing our actions and feeling contrite or feeling regret.

[05:40]

if we've done wrong, and making a commitment to change, and maybe even resolving to live a more humane and responsible life. Big word. There's another word that I really like, which is atonement or at-one-ment. Atonement means to become reconciled or to return to harmony. And repentance has some of that quality, the intention to return to harmony. In the Buddha way, repentance to me is realizing anew, with compassion, our oneness within, with others, and with all life. In wrongdoing, we feel separate. And so to engage in the process of repentance is to have an intention toward reconciliation and toward harmony.

[06:47]

In the Jewish tradition, they have a day for this, the Day of Atonement. And it's called Yom Kippur. And it comes at the end of the ten-day observance of the Jewish New Year, which begins this year at the end of the month. And that's called Rosh Hashanah. And so Yom Kippur is considered the holiest day of the year. It's a day of fasting and prayer and synagogue services with the intention to re-choose a life of caring for each other. And during Rosh Hashanah, during those ten days, Jewish people seek out those whom they've done wrong to and ask forgiveness. To put aside hurts, to create a new beginning. Is there someone from whom you would like to ask forgiveness?

[07:54]

And can you go and do that? We could do it every day. Beginning anew is also the name of the twice-monthly ceremony in Thich Nhat Hanh's communities. On the new moon and the full moon, they do a ceremony that's a contemporary version of the ancient practice of sangha, confession, and repentance. In the early Buddhist times, the monks would gather, and actually still, my sister... still does this at the City of 10,000 Buddhas, gathers in group and confesses to one another what faults maybe they have committed in the month. At Zen Center, we have a little version of this. Before some of our full moon ceremonies, Bodhisattva precept ceremonies, we meet in small groups and we talk together about

[09:01]

how we've lived the precepts since the last full moon ceremony. So it's a kind of gentle version of all that, and I think supportive. Repentance rituals are often preceded by confession, and that's a word I think that can be confusing given its Christian connotations. I think it's a valuable practice, and the way I think of it is, to go to a practice leader or my teacher or a Sangha mate, a Dharma friend, and say, there's something I like to say out loud. Or, can you witness some difficult feelings that I'm having? Can you just sit with me and let me share these? And then we can say the unsayable. and not act it out and not have it eating at us.

[10:02]

We can confess that this thought exists in me. These words came from me. These actions, I did. It's an acknowledgement. I like that word, acknowledgement. It's just a simple acceptance of the truth or existence of something. This is how it is. This is what I said. This is what I did. And somehow for me, it disperses the energy of it. And then I can work with it. And as practice leaders or as spiritual friends with each other, we can listen deeply to each other and witness that person's experience with compassion and what Carl Rogers calls unconditional positive regard. And then we can reflect with them without joining them. There's a kind of near enemy of empathy that goes like this.

[11:09]

Oh yes, I've had the same experience with that person. And that's not helpful. It's more like a warm, impartial listening. So in our Buddhist confession, we're saying, when I pause and look at my thoughts, speech and actions. I acknowledge that I have done or said or thought things that were hurtful or harmful to myself and others. I sincerely intend to think and speak and act differently in ways that benefit myself and others. I'll consider ways to relieve any pain I may have caused. And I'll do all of this with kindness, without shaming or blaming myself, or guilt, useless guilt. I've also been ruminating about the wording of the repentances.

[12:16]

We say, I now fully avow, and to avow means to declare openly and assuredly. So yes, I avow that greed, hate and delusion are the source of suffering and that I have that in me. And I can avow the negative thoughts and speech and actions that come from that, consciously or unconsciously, in this lifetime and who knows, many lifetimes. And trusting the teachings and my own experience, I can acknowledge this greed, hate, and delusion. This morning, though, I had a startling thought, which is that they aren't enemies. That was amazing. Speaking of the hindrances, a teacher said, it's important to have a friendly relationship with them, not an adversarial one. So I'm trying on the idea of a friendly relationship with greed, hate, and delusion.

[13:21]

But still, something else comes up in me when we chant this repentance. Something like this. All my ancient, free-flowing, radiant karma from beginningless and endless generosity, love, and clarity, born through basic goodness, Buddha nature, the light I have and am, I now fully avow. How about that? You think we can get him to change the service? All my ancient, free-flowing, radiant karma from beginningless and endless generosity, love, and clarity, born through basic goodness, Buddha nature, the light I have and am, I now fully avow. I don't know if it's philosophically correct.

[14:25]

I don't know if you can have radiant karma, but that's what comes up in him. So yes, the suffering from greed, hate, and delusion, and yes, the liberation when we remember who we truly are. The Buddha taught suffering and the end of suffering. Sometimes I think we forget that part. What if we heard this with our ears and viscerally, and in the field of our collective awareness every morning. And what if we knew it to be true of every single human being on this planet, regardless of how they appear to us? So then we take refuge. I think we do it that way because we need some help with all that karma.

[15:26]

So we sort of place our body, speech and mind in the care and protection of the Buddha and the Dharma and the Sangha. Not in a magical way, but in like a commitment to receive and study and practice and understand the teachings with the guidance of teachers. and in the company of spiritual friends. There's so much that I could say about the refuges, and that would be many talks. But I want to focus on this line, bringing harmony to everyone, free from hindrance. And I have wondered why these words are emphasizing themselves to me. So I think there are a couple of reasons. One is personal instruction. When something appears in boldface type in my mind, whether it's in a Dharma talk or a text or on a billboard, I take it as a kind of personal instruction.

[16:36]

I look and see. Is there something here? Judith, are you practicing this? How? How? It's both prescriptive and descriptive, the voice says. So bringing harmony to everyone free from hindrance is a prescription. We can take it up and practice it. We can try to act in ways that do that. But it's also descriptive. It's descriptive of the life that comes when we're practicing deeply. So sitting... Zazen, practicing mindfulness moment by moment, this can manifest out of that settled place. So the voice asks, what supports harmony for you? And what hinders it? The instruction from that voice is just to carry those questions, like koans or mantras.

[17:44]

And not to reason them out, but to let them open up and reveal the teachings through the experiences of our day. So that's one reason this line is showing itself. The other is that sometimes, sometimes in sangha, there's contention and conflict sometimes. And especially even in sangha, and maybe especially in sangha, because we're trying to voluntarily undertake this intimate life together. We do get angry with one another. We lash out, we react, we walk away, we send an angry email. And then we feel the pain of the separation, sometimes prolonged, sometimes really prolonged. So what does bringing harmony to everyone free from hindrance mean then?

[18:46]

Are we practicing it together? How? Are we practicing in a way that it can manifest in us? Letting it practice us? Sitting and walking? Sitting and walking? In practicing with conflict, I think it's pretty important to acknowledge that we do bring harmony. We do move beyond hindrances. Sometimes I can see practice as a constant striving to do better. Coming from deficit, never good enough. When harmony and unhindered activity are present, I don't recognize them. I just think it's normal. second nature, or maybe first nature, or maybe true nature. It's like focusing on road rage and ignoring the immensity of cooperation and collaboration on the roadways that allows us to travel unhindered.

[19:58]

It's amazing to me. We do meet conflict and resolve it, or we don't even get all the way to conflict. We see it coming up and we choose another way. Our true nature is harmony. It's harmony with harmony and harmony with conflict. So we need to notice all this and appreciate it and enjoy it. And as the early sutras said, let it infuse your whole body and mind. But bring it to consciousness that we do these things. Conflict has a dramatic and compelling nature. Sometimes we're drawn into it like moths to flame. It's juicy. There's energy in it. In a strange way, we feel alive when anger is pouring through us. Of course, then there's the hangover when we've said something or done something that we regret deeply.

[21:06]

One question to ask ourselves about conflict is this. What am I getting from being in conflict? What am I getting from being in conflict? And how can I receive those things in a healthier, more beneficial way? Maybe I'm getting attention. Maybe I'm getting sympathy. Maybe I'm getting a rush. how can we get the things we need in another way? Our true nature wants this. In one of Paul's talks, he said, we have a deep affinity with awakening. It seems obvious, but not always. We want to be intimate. We want to be connected. We want to feel the oneness that's true. So how do we practice with conflict? Inside us, between us and another person, around us, and in the news, in the world.

[22:17]

We can notice how we think about it, see the thoughts, see the way they go round and round. We can notice what's happening in our bodies when we're in conflict or witnessing it. What happens if we breathe into the body and lean into the feeling then, soften into it, and release the tightening and not turn away? We can work with body, conflict body. We can notice how we speak about it, both... externally and internally, and more importantly, what is our tone of voice to ourselves? Sometimes if I just shift the tone of voice that I'm saying these things to myself from judgment or criticism to curiosity, it makes a difference. It opens it up.

[23:20]

When I see friends or sangha members in conflict, arguing, I want harmony. I want harmony. That's good, but why do I want harmony? First, I think, to ease my own tension, to assuage my wish to fix it. And so, alas, the practice, again, is just to see this and acknowledge that it's my attachment, my clinging to comfort, It's just about this very human vulnerable self. And then seeing that, I can allow and feel and relax into it. And I can actually not be in conflict with feelings of conflict. Sometimes. If two people are fighting, it only takes one to stop.

[24:26]

Internally stop or externally stop or both. It only takes one to pull back from those feelings, to let go of not being right or being wronged, to see the feelings of conflict and turn toward practices of harmony, toward yourself, toward the other. Avow this. Repent. You sound like St. John the Divine. Repent and take refuge in the life that offers support, guidance and help. That's taking refuge in Thanga, in Buddha, in Dharma. We can take refuge in the practice of metta or the silent chanting of the enme juku kanan gyo for protecting life. or the Shosaimyo Kichijo Dorani for removing hindrance.

[25:29]

So when the thoughts around agitation, around conflict come up, you can turn toward a little more beneficial use of the mind. And it changes things. And it changes the field. A very important... is to look deeply and carefully at what is my part. What is my part in the conflict? It's never only one person. We've got a lot to learn if we can look there and explore it with a teacher or a Dharma friend. I like the practice of proximity. When I'm having difficulty with someone and I don't want to be near them, I try to ask myself, you know, like, go sit at the dinner table with this person in company with no agenda, no expectation.

[26:46]

Just be there and experience them. It's a... a gentle antidote to withdrawing or even worse, shunning. I think we can shun each other. And this can help. The last practice I would say around conflict is to take care of ourselves. Conflict is tiring. And working with it and with our resistance is it takes energy. So gentleness. Walking among green and living things, as Thich Nhat Hanh says. Art. Creativity. Lately, for me, Qigong practice and swimming. Rest and rejuvenation. Always to work with conflict and resistance.

[27:47]

Time away from Zen center, if you live here. or the locus of your intense practice place at work or at home. Distraction, movies, novels. I think it's a good idea. And then humor. This practice could be called enlightenment. If I had my clown nose, I would put it on right now. We really need to laugh. When you find yourself laughing, let yourself really laugh. This is my faith, trust, confidence, and practice. We can experience conflict and not prolong our suffering with it. I don't know that we cannot suffer with it right from the beginning, but we cannot prolong it. Or see our suffering sooner.

[28:51]

Arouse the mind of compassion for ourself and the other and choose another way. And what about the immense suffering in the world? Fighting, separation, death, pain, natural or perhaps unnatural disasters. so many places, so many people. I've been particularly engaged with the events in Ferguson, Missouri, with the death of Michael Brown. So what does bringing harmony to everyone free from hindrance mean then? All the practices I've mentioned can be broadened and applied to the suffering that comes up as we witness the pain in the world. Our prolonged suffering doesn't help us or others.

[29:59]

It takes a lot of energy. But that energy can be freed up through practice. And once it is freed, our compassionate attention is available. And it can infuse our thoughts and speech and action. Zazen teaches us that suffering is a part of life, that we are interdependent with all things, and that all things are impermanent. When we know this in our bones, everyone and everything gets included. Meeting the suffering in the world is living these truths in our own body and mind. To me, it's the essence of the bodhisattva vow. Thich Nhat Hanh offered this poem, which illuminates these teachings of suffering, interdependence, and impermanence.

[31:09]

With apologies to him, I've taken some liberties with it. Call me by my true names. Do not say that I'll depart tomorrow because even today I still arrive. Look deeply. I arrive in every second to be a bud on a spring branch, to be a tiny bird with wings still fragile, learning to sing in my new nest, to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower, to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone, I still arrive in order to laugh and to cry, in order to fear and to hope. The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death

[32:13]

of all that are alive. I am the mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river, and I am the bird which, when spring comes, arrives in time to eat the mayfly. I am the frog swimming happily in the clear pond, and I'm also the grass snake who, approaching in silence, feeds itself on the frog. I am the 18-year-old black man lying on the street in a pool of blood, and I am the white policeman who fired the gun, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving. I am the mother and the father of the young man, and I am the mother and the father of the policeman.

[33:14]

I am the officers shielded in riot gear, rigid with fear, and I am the people looting and burning, crazed with anger. I am all those who take the side of the one who was killed, and I am all those who take the side of the one who held the gun. My joy is like the spring so warm it makes the flowers bloom in all walks of life. My pain is like a river of tears, so full it fills the four oceans. Please call me by my true names so I can hear all my cries and laughs at once, so I can see that my joy and pain are one.

[34:18]

Please call me by my true names so I can wake up and so the door of my heart can be left open, the door of compassion. Our practice is this big. We can hold it all or better, let it all flow through us. Anger and hurt, the pain, the suffering, and the compassion and the unity, for those are also present in such a situation, present in ourselves, in our interpersonal relationships, in the world. Let us renew our intention to take refuge in sangha, bringing harmony to everyone, free from hindrance. Thank you.

[35:22]

According to my watch, I want to hear the juicy responses. My question is not that serious. I want to know more about the red clown noses. Where are the red clown noses? And can we get them here at Zen Center? We have them. It's right there. I did think this was a dreary topic. I'm glad the clowns came. It's a comment, not a question, but when you started to read that Thich Nhat Hanh poem, my thought was, oh, no, not again.

[36:54]

I've heard that so many times. And then when you changed it and made it relevant to what's happening now in our country, I'm so grateful that you did that. I just want to express my appreciation for what you've done with the feeling that came up in you when you began to think about this. You made a beautiful... Describe a beautiful aspiration for God. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[38:35]

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