This podcast is offered by San Francisco's Zen Center on the web at sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening. Thank you all for coming tonight. And I also want to thank my teacher, Paul, for his teaching and support. And for those of you watching from the Fourth Practice Center, and any deaf people or people who are losing their hearing, I've recently lost my hearing, so I continue to learn sign language, and I appreciate your patience with me. The theme of tonight's practice period is entering

[01:01]

the Buddha way. There are many ways, many gates that allow us to enter the Buddhist way, the Buddha way. And one of those is connection. I chose the topic of connection tonight because that's really what is hard for me to practice with right now. The type of connection we have here is what we feel. There are three kinds. The connection we have with each other in community. And the connection we have with Zen practice. And then... the connection of my own experience and feelings, and with my body, connection with my body.

[02:11]

When I started planning tonight's talk, I felt stuck, and I asked Paul what to do, and he told me, that I should talk about my own experience and share from my heart in order to support and help other people. So I tried many times and I failed at writing this talk. And I still felt stuck. And I knew that I can use the experiences and speak from my heart. But I had to ask myself why I felt stuck.

[03:22]

I couldn't find the words. I felt like I couldn't find good enough words. So I failed and I felt embarrassed because I'm a person who has taken a vow to help other people. So I thought about it and I thought, how can my stories and my experiences help and encourage other people who are here? And what came up for me was talking about what's new. And I need to try and be willing to make mistakes and show successes and failures both.

[04:30]

It's a difficult risk. because probably I don't want to show what's involved in the failures. Oh well, onward. Deafness has become a popular actor on the stage, so to speak, in my life. So if I tell you about my deaf experience and share deaf stories, I want you to know that it's not self-pity. My deafness is total and permanent, so I have chosen to embrace deaf culture. And I'm immersing myself in deaf culture. So the topic of deafness is becoming natural for me and integrating that with then practice and deaf culture.

[05:48]

When I became deaf, it severed many connections. And embracing deaf culture... severed even more connections. So it was a little bit risky to choose this topic for tonight because I'm still experiencing the loss of connections in many different ways in my life. This practice period... I'm being Shuso during my service of Shuso. I've gotten a lot of extra effort and support from people here. And that has been a big gift to me. And I feel like there's a lot of new and healing connections that are happening.

[06:55]

So thank you all. The deaf community has a strong connection with each other, and it had a lot to teach me. It's somewhat similar to Zen in that way. One characteristic of deaf culture is they talk a lot about themselves and each other. When my hearing friends introduced me, they might just say, oh, that's Keith. And maybe they'll add, he's the deaf guy. Or, you know, a little something. But in deaf culture, it may be considered rude to only say Keith.

[07:58]

I went to Gallaudet before, so I met and started learning ASL. I met a lot of deaf people. And there they would give a short bio of somebody as an introduction. And you would be expected to say something about yourself. So it can be considered rude. Rude, okay. So each person talks about themselves, and through that they feel some connection.

[09:13]

So there's a lot of questioning back and forth about what you like, who are your family, who are your friends. And that's more of the norm. And it seems like in the Zen way-seeking mind talk that I gave, it was smaller but spread out. So this has given me some opportunity to talk about the Deaf culture and Zen culture together. So when I examine my connections at the Zen center, I notice that some of these connections are gone, and I have some new connections.

[10:22]

And those are being made now. I think some can be repaired. My Zazen has been valuable in helping me to examine the questions that have come up. The stories and the feelings of grief and are helping me to shape a new perspective. It's more of a deaf perspective. And, of course, the connections I make with the deaf community are also new, but very important. It helps to look at

[11:25]

and connect with the disconnections in that experience. No joke intended. Connections with disconnections. Okay. So during sitting and reflecting, some questions arose for me. I thought, which connections are lost? And why? Why were they lost? And what new connections are needed? And what's going to happen next? Connections themselves are fundamental. So I believe that the answers are close. And they can be found within the body and the feelings that we have.

[12:33]

We all have those. I remember before from my Christian days, someone asked me about the pain of the deep soul. unlabeled yearning. And the teachers told us that what that is, what we're looking for, really we're looking for God. I took that idea to heart. but I still felt empty. That was troubling me, and I struggled with that, because I thought anything that's not God was not welcome inside, in the heart.

[13:53]

So I started to understand why some religions don't use the word God. Maybe they changed it because they believed that any label that you could put on God would be wrong. They even denied God because they believed that there was no God and you can't explain God. And we can't understand that concept. So I think I believe that. And then during my Zen practice, God became a non-issue.

[14:56]

And as a result, so it became a non-issue and non-duality was what came in its place. So we're just clarifying a sign here. So first there was... So then there were non-duality and then the idea that either everything is sacred or nothing is sacred. Not both. Okay, we're going to go back and clarify again.

[16:07]

So... So it's sacred or not sacred. Not both. Later, for the word sacred to have a meaning... Let me think for a minute here. So in order for sacred to have a meeting, there would have to be something that's not sacred to compare it to. So like... So same thing where I lost some connection. So I'm going to let that go for now.

[17:10]

So it's the same like with God. So, oh, also during the New Age movement, I heard a lot of variations on that teacher's statement. That what we were yearning for... was to return to the source. Hmm. Hmm. That was closer to the idea, and it evoked a lot of connection, and I'm still learning. to tell you that I really want to go you know when you have that feeling that you long to go home for reasons that I'm still exploring but it seems that I can't really say why but it seems to show the feeling that

[18:34]

and the nature of connection. So there's another idea of suchness, and that is expressed through the non-dual, non-duality nature, or through Buddha nature. All things have Buddha nature, so nothing is really missing. So I would be wrong if I said that connection is missing. We can't really be disconnected from something if we are really immersed in it. we can feel that way we can feel disconnected and we misunderstand when we're practicing Zen so that's why we practice together we practice connectedness too so here are a few examples

[20:02]

of ways to practice connectedness. Try to slow down a little. Sometime when you're not driving or blocking the hall, try to maybe walk a little slower. Or close the door very attentively. Or close the window more slowly. And try anything more slowly. You may see two things change in that moment. You'll be more more aware.

[21:06]

And the second thing is you'll feel more connection to your surroundings. Another idea to apply this to the mind is try pausing briefly. So if you have a cup or a pen, just place it down and pause. And notice any feelings that might be coming up. And watch that. Your feelings will have a message for you. That's their job. They're there to inform us. Try... gentle expansion.

[22:08]

That's my personal favorite. A while ago I learned a game called the onion game and I still use it. Do you know that game? You ask yourself a question and then You listen for the answer. And then you ask a question of that answer. And you continue. And you repeat that again and again, allowing the layers to peel off. And you go deeper and deeper. And you could do that with feelings as well. But sometimes I feel like I need more soft or less focus on me, less of myself.

[23:23]

So, um, When you become quiet just allow everything to make its contact. You don't consciously try to reach out and make contact with things. You let things approach you. you don't need to refuse things or push them away. So allow things to come close and things to arise as they are. And then the next thing is you'll become calmer. So that's an idea of expansion. And that will include also what's around you and your body.

[24:41]

And then you can allow the expansion to grow bigger and bigger. And adding as little imagination as possible. That is how connections can build. It's nice to do this here in the Buddha Hall during some event. Do the expansion. Just a quick filling of the room and then turning to the activity. Then you can join whatever the experience is in the whole room and the connection is made much larger.

[25:47]

So the idea is to let everything expand to connect to you and to everything else. It's a little hard. What about when connection issues arise during Zazen? Well, you know, it's always a treat when some issue you are dealing with becomes a struggle during Zazen. I like to keep the Zazen structure and allow it to come. and join me. When I'm sitting in a period of formal zazen, not contemplation.

[26:54]

If it is allowed to go, or fade, that's what happens. It doesn't matter. Don't forget, that that's a valuable part of zazen. That's great. During your meditation, if zazen allows that to examine what's happening, then your thoughts might escape And that on its own can be, that's some serious zazen. Finally, the last technique. Technique, yeah.

[28:01]

It's not zazen. I want to describe contemplation a little bit. Where I started Zen practice, contemplation was approved and encouraged. It was taught in a few minutes, the same way that one is introduced to a Zazen class. But it also can lead you in the direction of Zazen. So if you want to add contemplation, here's an example. I have set up an altar. So you can place some gifts.

[29:11]

Okay, go ahead. We're just interpreters catching up with the speaker. So place some gifts on your personal altar. So I put things on my personal altar. And that's how I can express gratitude. They can be memorial sticks. I didn't know how to sign that, so I'm using the sign for wood. If you lost a friend, you could put a photograph of them on the altar. A slogan also, like a Bodhidharma or a slogan, and on and on, different things you can put on. They're all... I'm wondering what I said here.

[30:18]

Okay. So when you put those things there, they're not... They're offerings. I'm sitting quietly and allowing those offerings to make the first move. So, connection... by its very name, implies diversity. So I encourage connections of any kind. Like, for example, when I say I feel connected to the Sangha, of course, I have a positive feeling. that if I am connecting to other feelings or things, like in the world, they could be labeled as negative.

[31:30]

So those can be painful challenges. Like, for example, I lost some cherished connections. But I also... have connections with things and people that I don't want. But there's a neutral quality. Instead of separating things into positive and negative, just let the connection happen. And the ideas will flow instead of separating them into successes and failures or acceptance and forgiveness. I don't want to tell you these things.

[32:41]

They're best left for you to... Find the intention of what's... Sometimes there's depression or grief, but these things come and go naturally. So if you find that a connection is happening, a neutral conduit that simply gives you some clear understanding, then allow... allow all those connections, just as you would allow joy or a connection with grief. That will help you have more awareness of all your feelings. For example, so far, I have not...

[33:44]

Sorry, we're finding our place again. I don't have a number. Okay, we're in the same place. Okay. Okay, I'm going to talk about isolation. I have not experienced any So I have not experienced increased feelings of isolation when I connect with feelings of isolation.

[35:13]

It's like on a camera, twisting the lens and focusing it all. Things become in focus and it's clearer to see. So I still have the same feelings. but now I have more clarity. So this is how I've been working with the connectedness issue for the past few years. I've tried many things that have not helped, and things have helped, and part of that has made me have feelings of better connection. So it's good for me to... So this is how I've been working with the issues of connectedness for the past few years.

[36:51]

Sorry we're doing a little repetition because the interpreter got lost. So some things have not helped and I've described some things that have helped me to make good connections. I feel a lot of joy being able to use my Zen practice to apply to these issues. And I apply my Zen practice to many other issues as well, like my transition into being involved with being deaf and the deaf community. And I've gotten lots of wonderful support from the Sangha. So this is a work in progress. And I'll never stop. There is always something to practice with.

[37:55]

So we might as well practice together. Thank you. Any questions? Are we done? Go ahead. You can speak and I can sign for you if you want. Go ahead. It's up to you. I told him I could sign for him. I'm trying to understand.

[39:19]

Let me see if I understand. Clarify the question and let me know if I'm right. There are two parts. The first is, what does the deafness give you? And the second is, can you say it so I can sign it? The second part, go ahead. Good question. It's fine. You know, you're new at sign language. It's okay. Let's see. Deafness. Wow. When I became deaf, it was really hard.

[40:20]

I had to improve every year. We're clarifying what Keith is saying. Okay. So my deafness was a gradual thing. Okay. So I started out being hard of hearing five years ago, and then I became legally deaf. Then, as the years went on, two years ago, I became totally deaf.

[41:34]

And that was really a big change. It was like the difference between night and day. When, let's see, what you asked me about. didn't want to have half a life. You know, it seemed like deaf culture might be a better way for me. No, I didn't want to have any limits. So I thought it was best to... Sorry. Again, clarifying what Keith is saying. Oh, to improve. Improve what?

[42:37]

Improve. Improve what? Okay. To improve my life. Okay. So deafness is something that you can't see. So, you know, when I'm walking around the street... You know, people don't know if I'm deaf or not. You know, if a blind person, they have a cane or a dog, but if somebody's deaf, you can't see them. And some deaf people can talk as well. Most don't, though. So I became very angsting about it. Before, as many of you know, I liked to talk a lot and play a lot and hang around with people a lot.

[43:42]

I didn't like to be alone. I refused to be alone. And then when I saw deaf culture, their norms... they chat and hang out together too. They just do it in sign language. I visited an organization called ALDA. It's adults who are latent, become deaf later in life. A lot of them use hearing aids and they use their voices and talk to each other. They're completely deaf, but they talk to each other. So I just felt that I needed to find deaf culture and depend on sign language. I feel that that choice is not really a choice, actually.

[44:52]

I feel like I had no choice. I thought it was the next thing that I had to do. And so I guess I enjoyed what it's given back to me. And I have hope for the future. I don't feel like I'm stuck living half a life because I'm deaf. So yes, it does seem to have been a gift for me to become deaf. And as I go on, there are no limits. And I felt like when I was just hard of hearing, I had limits. Because hard of hearing is thought of maybe as a problem. Or I thought I had a problem when I was hard of hearing. So I guess that's my answer. Is that okay? You mean, what do I, you know, when you feel more isolated, how do you deal with it?

[46:33]

So we're just clarifying the question. I hope I understand Keith's saying, um, when I feel isolated, um, There are different ways. You know, I feel more different isolation at different times. You know, we have many, you know, we have now interpreters and somebody comes and does CART and we're doing writing and some people are learning sign language. That's cool. I'm really enjoying that. But sometimes I feel funny or strange sometimes Because I'm always deaf. And all of you have helped me a lot. So I think there's a movie called Star Trek.

[47:34]

And that's good for... Major? Oh, good. Good of many? For the good of many. For the good of many. Sorry, does anybody know the name of this movie? Because I'm having a hard time getting it. Is this the name of the movie? So they're trying to clarify the name of the movie. Yes.

[49:05]

So friends have helped me a lot. There's been a lot of that here. And it's very important. It's more important than... It's more important than many... It's more important than many... there are two phrases. The needs of many are more important than the needs of one. But also, Spock dies. And then his friend tells him the needs of one... are more important than the needs of many. Sorry about that. So that's the explanation.

[50:11]

So sometimes it's difficult to accept the gift of what a lot, you know, I've gotten a lot. I'm very grateful. Where's my watch? Does anybody know what time it is? If anybody finds a watch, it's mine. I don't know where it is. Does anybody know the time? Oh, here it is. Are we late? Are we done? I'm done. I want to tell you. I'm done.

[51:14]

You said I'm finished. Yeah, I just wanted to let you know I'm finished, but I want to tell you that I have a script. A skit. I wrote a skit tonight. So it'll be on Friday night at 7.30. Right? Okay. I will have... I'll be making popcorn. A lot of popcorn. It's free. Okay. Thank you all. And have a fun night. Thank you.

[52:26]

May we all fully enjoy the Dharma.

[52:28]

@Transcribed_UNK
@Text_v005
@Score_95.61