I hope that you will understand a little bit why I think that it is not necessary to kill. To take one's life in vain. The first one of the precepts says not to kill, not to take one's life in vain. Well, not to take one's life in vain. Well, let's consider that there is something which we have to take our life in vain and in purpose.

[01:17]

There is something considered as our own, but it is possible to kill it. In other words, let's consider again and again, there is something which is called I, the Self, which is called the Self. There is a fixed idea which is called the Self, which we have to take our life in purpose in vain. When I was 16 years old, you know so well, I joined Captain Dan.

[02:35]

At that time, I was prepared for death, always, even though I had some doubts. Well, anyway, I said to myself always, I am, I am prepared for death, always. Then one day, I wrote a letter to my father, I am already prepared for death. I am not afraid to die. When I go back to, go back home next time, I will come home to see you in a small box of my ashes.

[03:47]

I wrote that letter. Well, I said, see this, it looks like it was like a nightmare. So I don't care, I don't care where was my life, my body or mine. Some of you said and say like that, in the same way. I don't care my body, I don't care my mind, I don't care where I am. Death, death always. Anyway, I was, you know, like that, like this. Then, it was, I was at that time in Tokyo, in the air base.

[04:52]

Every day, day in, day out, you know, we had the, you know, we had to be attacked by the bomb. Every day, just imagine, you know, how terrible it was. But, I was, I was, I said to myself, I am already prepared for death. Then one day, the tour company, A.M. not P.M., tour company, A.M. I heard, I heard one siren, one siren. What? Turn up, maybe see where the corpse is. Get up. And I turned, made it.

[05:56]

I have never put a sleeping corpse. At that time, because every night, I had to get up. Anytime, anytime when the airplane came, I had to get up anytime. So, I had to be, I had to be prepared for getting up immediately and get up. So, at that time, at two o'clock A.M., I heard one siren, one siren. I turned. Get up. It took me one minute, one minute. I think my friend, too, you know, he had, the action was very quick, very quick, which you can't imagine.

[06:59]

Very quick. Everybody can do that, can do that. When you stand at the steep cliff, the top of the mountain, the steep cliff, you can't do anything. Very quick, you can't. I can't, I couldn't imagine how quick I can do, I could do anything. I have never, I have never killed people. But anyway, I got out of my cabin and jumped down into a small drop, is that, is that called, do you know what that's called? Dirt. Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt. Dirt. Anyway, it was, there are many, many holes, many holes, which protect the people from the danger of the falling rock.

[08:02]

You understand, so. It was about six feet, six feet long. And three feet wide, so. No cover, no cover. Just hole. Then I and my friend jumped down, jumped down very quick. That time is ahead from time. Wow. You were looking so well. Well, then, I did this, you know. Left hand and back here. And in a second minute, second minute, I couldn't hear it.

[09:06]

Time was falling down. I smiled. I smiled. Like, no time. A bit of dirt. And then, rolling. And then, I, [...] I. Take my head, there. Slowly, I, what, say, razor. Razor. Slowly, I raised up my head. Slowly, look up. At that time I was very surprised at the new scene, because it was 2 o'clock a.m. In a usual sense, everything was completely dark. At that time, it was completely daytime. Daytime.

[10:07]

I could see, I could see everything, even an ant, a little ant, I could see. Everything made an appearance immediately in front of me, you know. At night. Brightly, brightly, everywhere. Look up, look up at the sky, look up at the sky. What you want? Light bulb. Where? Where? There's one. There's one. So I could see, I could see the thing. Well, then I found the airplane, right over, right over my head. And then the airplane, not small, it was not small, too big. Too big. Wow. I was afraid the airplane would catch me, you know.

[11:15]

Then again, it was good, it was good. Then at that time, I'm going to say I had the indication of Buddha's nature. I'm going to say I had the indication of Buddha's nature. I'm going to say, [...] In college, or sin school, pure love school, I had, I heard the indication of Amitabha Buddha. Then there, very often, right, in the morning, just the name of Amitabha would stay in my head.

[12:23]

Then I had the conscious state indication of Buddha's nature. Before the indication of Buddha's nature, I believed in myself. I am already prepared for death. The moment when I jumped into, jumped down into a hole, then I had the indication of the great love, love. Where is my life, where is, where is life, where is life, considered as my life, which I have to kill myself. Saying I am prepared for death. Great change. So, before indication of Buddha's name, there was a certain life,

[13:27]

considered as my own, my life, which I had to kill. I had to be killed. After the indication, the moment when I had the indication of Buddha's name, what kind of life, what's not life, considered as my life, my own, which I had to kill, I had to be killed. Completely different. And also, life changed very quick. And then, after a second world war, fortunately, unfortunately, I came back to my family home, which was located in Suruga village, a very small town. I was very happy.

[14:30]

Then, the moment when I arrived, my name was completely, in a small town, my home had gone. Completely, completely. Just, just sucked, just sucked, sucked dry, that's all. I was very surprised. No house. Well, then, I had to, I had to look out, anyway, I had to look out for my parents, where my parents were. But I couldn't find them. Well, also for me, a big problem. No home, no food. Then, it took me a few days.

[15:41]

Uh, to ask the people, to ask the people where my parents had gone. But nobody knew. Then, at that time, I realized, well, at any cost, I had to find. I realized, a strong will to live. So, the life, the life considered as my own, which I thought before, I thought before, I had to, I am, I want, I am prepared for death. I thought already. Then, at that time, I realized, new life. Well, I had to live. I had to find my friends, my parents, based on a strong will to live.

[16:48]

Well, I got new energy. It's different. Every country is different. And it's my life, which you, which I insisted on being killed by myself. Very quick change, very quick change. Then, the after, after a week, I found my parents. But, unfortunately, my parents didn't have a house. Well, next time, I had to find a house, or I had to build a house. Then, I traveled to see my neighbor, looking out, looking out for old house. Because he didn't have enough money to build new house.

[17:52]

So, I looked out for old village, make village. Then, I found. Then, I thought, had to go. Had to build my own house, and at the same time, hold my parents. Like that. Next time, next moment, well, I asked to myself, Do you have enough food to eat? I asked my father. He said, uh, no. He didn't allow me enough food. Well, I had to find. Well, I had to cover, to look out for the food. That was fine. That was okay. Then, anyway, I had to make money.

[18:55]

But, it was very difficult for me to find a new job. So, I thought, well, it's better to become a farmer. So, I became a farmer. Then, cultivate plants, and plants to make food, and rice. Then, I got by myself. But, money was not enough for us. Well, I had to work. Then, work. As a soil engineer. Building a new diesel engine. So, at that time, I got, every moment, very strong energy. I had to live. Very strong energy. So, what is my life? My life, which I thought, I had to kill myself.

[20:01]

It's gone already. Then, now, my life is going on. At any cost, I have to live. Live on wealth. Then, I got the job. But, it was not satisfying. It satisfied, not myself. Because, I felt so dependent. Every day in and day out, I carried a bag of lunch, lunch box. And, that's the picnic. And, built a new engine, diesel engine. Six horse power, or three horse power, eleven horse power. Of which, thirty tons.

[21:06]

At that time, I ate always, not real rice. So, I brought rice first. And then, the first, you first boil the water. And, put it. Then, put off, take off, blow off completely, put off the fire. Put a pan with a lid. Stay about five or ten minutes. Boil, rice. It's completely like a flower. Very beautiful. But, if you try to taste it, not tasty, not tasty. You couldn't be satisfied with your honey.

[22:13]

It's pretty hot. Also, I didn't have enough rice, you know. Just a little bit, I carried. I carried the lunch box, not completely filled. Just a little bit. And then, I had to work, hard work, every day. I was completely exhausted. But, what overfishing was mine. One of my friends, who was a farmer. He brought always white rice. Filled. Filled with a big box, lunch box. I liked it, I wish I could eat that much. Filled, always I was hungry. Like a hungry ghost. But, anyway, I had to. I didn't forget.

[23:15]

Forgetting is a strong will, to me, anyway. I worked hard, every day. But, the more I pushed, I drove myself to get the strong will to live. The more I shook, shook it constantly. Nothing satisfied myself. Maybe, that's it. Then, I became autistic. Then, though, I went to the AIDS Monastery. At that time, I got new energies. I got new energies. I was getting a phone from the masters. Maybe, Hashimoto was. He explained how wonderful Zazen was. At that time, it was wonderful. He said, if you do Zazen, even for a moment, you become Buddha.

[24:20]

At that time, I was very happy. I got full of enlightenment. Then, I turned into the Zazen world. In order to turn into Zazen, I got all this strong will, deep. Deep. Just imagine, you watch the movie, all my life. Very deep. Very, very, my life. Which is called, my all life. Maybe, you can pick up one film, one famous, one thing. And then, watch it. Well, this is, kind of, real life. This is my life. But, it's not real life. It's not real life. But, it is the life shown on the face.

[25:21]

That's all. If you want to know my whole life, you have to watch the film. The movie film. Based on Russell King. That's all. That is my life. That is, that is my life. Which I attach strongly to myself. Who have to be, who have to be killed by myself. That is, that is my life. Next moment, I got a new, well, strong energy to live. Then, next moment, I got a new, strong energy to live. If I got completely my own life, I believe I have to be killed by myself. No.

[26:22]

So, what is, what is the self, what is the self? What is the fixed idea of what is called the self? Name, come again. Who have to be killed? Nothing. Nothing to kill. Nothing to kill. Maybe you think, well, I have, I have something to kill. Yes? This is my own body. Well, maybe so. I believe this is my body. So, if I kill, if I disappear this body, it's called, sort of, kill. Like that. Killing myself. Then, I got a strong image. I was driving a car and crashed into another car.

[27:30]

Then, I got a strong damage on my face. Next moment, my, so let's imagine, my face was boiled. With lots of, lots of wood, [...] wood. Then, I lay down, completely on the ground. My basement came. Why? My basement came up. And I lived. Nobody identified who I was. Because original shape of my face had gone away. Why? Nobody, it's too hard to identify who I am. Then, then, this man, I take my body to a hospital.

[28:35]

Please take care of this body. And put it in the defibrillator. So, Then, next day, this man, sent me the article to newspaper company. Yesterday, he had a talk with Ashton on Bush Street. But, what he had to identify who he is, please let me know. But, in a week, nobody knew. And then, this man, well, nobody came, nobody come.

[29:36]

But, let's go. Then, first, I put my body into the deck of fireplace. Then, turn over face. Boom! And the man who take care of the fire said to the patient, if you wait for a while, you could infect yourself. And then he waited. At the waiting room. After two hours. And waited to. And, ah, yes, wait. Here, the ashes are. You are ready to get the ashes.

[30:39]

Put the small box. Thank you very much. So, that was. Nobody came, so, but, it can be helped. This man went to the, what was he called? Ah, Family Touring. Yeah, yeah. Before that, we have to perform the funeral service. And then, this man called the police and performed the funeral service. It maybe take one hour. Then, he came to the grave. But, this grave, where there is a grave, two open ponds, off to the water, and put him, put him, like that. Like that. Where is my body?

[31:48]

Where is my body, what they have to attack? This is my body. Nobody identifies my body, who I am. I'm sorry for cutting in. Then you may say, oh, I don't, I wouldn't, I couldn't have such a terrible, atrocious accident. Because, I am very careful, good driver, he said. But, nobody knows what will happen in there. One of the same kind of student, you know, got married, and went to a honeymoon for two weeks. Then, after two weeks, he came back to the country, to San Francisco, on a three-way 101. That time, the day was, uh, the occasion of Easter. Easter. Time.

[32:49]

He was killed, by the accident. Cut. Dead. Well, where is my body? What they have to attack it to? It's not, it's not, there is nothing, there is nothing which we have to kill, on purpose. Because there is no idea of the self, which we have to attack. This is my body, this is my self. Maybe you think so, but the action, just a thinking, nothing. If so, let's consider carefully, where is the self, to kill in vain?

[33:51]

Moment after moment, all you have to do is to, to be considerate, to your body, to this body, with no idea of what is called my body. That's all. Moment after moment, all I have to do is, to be compassionate, to death, death. Wherever I may go, riding, walking, that's all. And then, Shakyamuni Buddha, said one of his disciples, right after when he became priest, he said to him, don't steal other's things.

[34:56]

At that time, he said this, but after that, he considered again, what does he mean? Not to steal, not to steal other's things. Well, not to steal other's things, I say, I understand. It's so necessary, I don't want to steal other's things. So, he taught me to keep my own things. So, well, going to my own things. He became a priest, in India, priest, all, all priest had to keep was, to see all. And, made by rubbish clothes, picking up the garbage can. Then,

[36:06]

this is my clothes, he thought, well, maybe this clothes, this robe, Buddhist robe, is my own. But, anyway, he considered again and again, he considered again and again, are you sure? No. He picked up, small pieces, of the cloth, from the garbage can, and, packed it together, put together, and tore it apart. So, it's not my own. No, it is something, which is called my own, or maybe my head. Maybe my head, my, my education is, maybe my education is my own, because, I, I went to school, to learn something. Then, my education, only my education,

[37:06]

could be my own. Then, he considered again and again, are you sure? But, it's too hard. If you go to Japan, if you go to Japan, and study, at the college, or high school, you have to take, Japanese language, to learn, Japanese language, and you have to follow, you have to follow Japanese language. Ohayou gozaimasu. Gimbap, making a gimbap, patting your hand, patting, Ohayou gozaimasu. My son, small son, was born in San Francisco. Very quick, he is very quick to learn the language.

[38:07]

Very quick. And, he is very quick to learn, American sense, American sense, through the American, English language, English language. Sometimes, I was a bit surprised, sometimes, I couldn't understand him, so well. Because, he is, completely American sense. One day, I played with him, using the, with the, foot well, foot well. He said, three, he said two, your turn, he said, three, four, three, foot well, one. That time, he said, hey, good. Hey, darling, you good, good. Yeah, good. I couldn't understand, darling, good. I couldn't understand it.

[39:12]

And, I was completely upset. One day, I went to the, San Francisco airport, to see, to see the, the emergency department off. The, he was, my town, is, good friend, with, San Francisco town. Then, he said goodbye, and go. Then, he tried, he tried to follow him. He tried to follow. Going through the entrance, of the airport. So I, oh, oh, that's good. Then I called him. He said, I want, I want to, I want to go with him, because, he, he is, a good friend for me.

[40:13]

I want to go, I want to go with him. Well, maybe so, maybe so, for you, you too. Because, you will go to Japan. And, you will not come back. You have to stay. You have to stay here. I was like this. he, he, got, got, got. And I, he didn't go. He was speaking. He was speaking Japanese, to Ken, to his Ken. I was faced with the way you ran, such a way, I couldn't understand. So I asked him, let's be honest. What did he say? I said, let's be honest about love.

[41:14]

But even an American, let's be honest, couldn't explain what it means. Well, I don't know exactly anyway. But since the children are three years old, who is speaking in Japanese at this point, to the parents. The only way to get out, outdoors, and meet American students, or themselves students, I was very shocked at that. Completely American. I couldn't believe, I couldn't believe how sick he was. He became American. I couldn't believe what he had to me.

[42:22]

It is very real, very real. So, where is education? Where is my own education? I believe you are Japanese. I believe you are Japanese. But speak Japanese. He said, OK. He speaks Japanese. But immediately, he changed. He turned himself into an American citizen. He got out. So how, what is education? Where is education which I have to attach? This is Japanese education. This is my education. This is his education. This is his education. Then you may say, maybe I mentioned before, this body, only this body is my own.

[43:27]

You may say. Well, that's OK. Maybe so. Maybe so. I shaved all over, you know, my head. But nobody knows what kind of hair I have. I have. Maybe everybody knows because I did hair blocking. But I always shaved hair. Nobody knows how many. White hair on my head. Then after shaving, my head, in five days, it grows a little bit. Then, if you look at my head, I have lots of white hair. I didn't notice before. Well, I don't like the white hair because I can't help it. Then people notice very often how many, how many white hair on my head.

[44:40]

But how do you know? I don't know. He's lying. Look at yourself in the mirror. Wow. So, my children don't want to lie. So let's play with iron. Cut. Then I grow older. 40, 50, 70. 80. Maybe until, until 80. Because I die. So, you're not. You can't control. Even your own body. You believe it is my body. I cannot control. Even this one line. Even this one, you know, white hair.

[45:47]

Even though I pick it out. Next day. It's gone. New white hair. It's gone. So, my body is also not my own. What is, what is my body? What is my body which I have to insist on? It's my own body. It's my own body.

[46:26]

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