Just as I was typing this talk this morning, I was looking out the window, actually the window caught my eye, because it was pouring rain, and at the same time, the sun was shining. It was beautiful. And it reminded me of two things. It reminded me when I was living in Africa, it often rains that way. Can you hear me? Can you make it louder? It's hard to come forward. Can you hear me now? Better? A little bit more? Okay. Better? Susan, can you hear me? She's listening upstairs.

[01:16]

She's doing the session, actually, just like you. Anyway, it reminded me, too, of the Sandokai, which, you know, you have two things that seem so dissimilar, rain, pouring rain, and brilliant sun, and yet both of them are part of the, or are, really not part of, are this mysterious wholeness. So, here we are, sitting, appreciating this wholeness, being this wholeness, in whatever way we are. All Buddhas, and ancestors, and bodhisattvas, are also sitting at the very heart of suffering.

[02:36]

By sitting at the heart of suffering, they develop, and we develop, our unshakable vow to drop body and mind and save all beings. They know, as we know, that it is directly through suffering, going directly into our suffering, that we find release, or at least a very different relationship with our lives. So, here we are in the midst, in the midst of old conditioning, each one of us walking

[03:54]

our own path. As I say often, the path is the same, but it looks very different for each of us, because the landscape of that path is unique to each of us. It is our own particular kind of conditioning, our own particular kind of pain, and each one of us must walk directly into it. So, we are warriors in that way. It takes a lot of courage, and it also takes great kindness and patience. Our job is not to accomplish something, but to release ourselves into our lives, to stop

[05:05]

holding, to stop expecting, to stop desiring, to stop sleeping, to wake up in the midst, to not push away, to not avoid, and to let ourselves fall into the vastness of the ordinary mind way. It is not beyond desire, or aversion, or sleep, or resistance. It is right in the middle of it, but to find that out, we have to let go of everything. That is real renunciation. To help us do that, we have the body, luckily.

[06:11]

We return over and over to the body, to posture, to breath, because it is awareness of the body that gives us the spaciousness we need in order to be able to let go of things. It's in the body everything we need to know. This is a quote from Suzuki Roshi. Doing something is expressing our own nature. It's from his little chapter on posture. Doing something is expressing our own nature.

[07:17]

There is no need to attain some special state. When you try to attain something, your mind starts to wander about somewhere else. When you do not try to attain anything, you have your own body and mind right here. When we do the forms, we are expressing our own nature. We do not exist for the sake of something else. We exist for the sake of ourselves. This is the fundamental teaching expressed in the forms we observe. When we do ariyoki, we do everything with two hands, and when we lift it up, we lift it up in this little crown thing. You lift it up for breakfast and for lunch, but not for dinner.

[08:25]

We're not supposed to be eating dinner, according to the old way, in hot climates. Anyway, you lift it up like that. You bow, and the bowls stay in the same place, because it's an offering. When I was at Tamsara, there was a man there, Jordan, well now, J. Simenon, and he was head of the shop at the time, and I was having a miserable time, and I went up to the shop and took refuge in this big man. He's big. Of course, everybody's bigger than I am, so I could take refuge in everybody. And I was just at a loss to how my emotions and my thoughts were ping-ponging me back

[09:32]

and forth and up and down, and I didn't know what to do. So he suggested, which was a very good suggestion, and I'm suggesting it to you, to pay attention in detail to the forms, to come back over and over, and the forms, use the forms to help you come back. And if it's not enough, make other forms to remind you. Like I said the other day, if oriyoki is too easy for you, do it with your other hand. Which reminds me, if you drop your sticks on the floor, stay in gassho until the soku offers them and brings them back to you. Stay in gassho. And when the servers come with the meal board towels, and you're sitting at the end of

[10:43]

the row, put your hands in gassho or raise your bowls way before they get there, so that when they get there they don't have to wait. They're going bom-bom-bom-bom-bom, and then whoosh, and you have to expediate that, so you have to be ready. Anyway, the most difficult part of this coming back and coming back and coming back is remembering to come back. Continuity is the most difficult thing. As it is said, if you can develop continuity, that is called the host within the host. So it's helpful to have mindfulness practices that constantly bring us back. And that's one of the ways to think about the forms we do. It's a very important way. You know, since we've taken off the, what do you call it, the board, anyway, there used

[11:53]

to be a board to come into the zendo, you'd have to step over a threshold. It was a high threshold, it was the highest at the city center. I don't know why. The city center needed the most reminding, I think. It was really high. And you're supposed to step over it with your left foot every time you enter the zendo, which I still do, even though it's not there. It was another reminder. It's a reminder that when you go to the zendo, you're to be present, because it's the easiest place to do that. This is another form. In the dining room, we have two windows that have hands of pictures in gassho. One of them is kind of crooked, it's Suzuki Roshi had a bum finger, and the other one is Katagiri Roshi, exactly correct. Gassho is palms together and fingers together, unless you can't do it, then it's okay to

[13:00]

have your fingers separate, like that. That's a perfect gassho for somebody. But for everybody else, fingers together, not a little flower, together. And then, just about a little bit more than a fist, and around your mouth or nose, something like that, and the hands not too stiff and not too relaxed, but kind of middle way. And then, you have some sense of the intimacy of your life, because there's one hand here and one hand here, like the sandokai, you know? It's not merging, our way is not merging, and it's not separate. It's intimate, it's connected, it's connected. Every time you can do gassho, intimate with your own life.

[14:03]

So, bodhisattvas live at the awareness of when there's a sense of separation. It's the most important thing, but usually we don't live there, and the reason is, is because all of the things of the mind tear us away from that feeling of separation. A feeling of separation is natural, it's the way the mind works, but to stay right there, to be in a relationship and not fuss with it, but to allow the other person to be different without grasping at yourself or the other person, is very uncomfortable. And it's the same thing with our lives, so we run away from that anxiety of separation, and the way we run away is with grasping, with avoidance, with doubt, with restlessness,

[15:20]

with a kind of a dullness of mind, and for Westerners, we run away with a self-loathing that should be added to the list. It's how we run away. That kind of pain is, in some sense, quite... you can't realize anything with that pain. We understand our lives at the level of duality or not-duality, so that's at the sense of separation, but first we have to take care of feelings of avoidance, grasping, doubt, fear, jealousy, revenge. I'm into revenge lately. It's not as much fun as anger, it's all in the mind.

[16:26]

So this is the way we confess every day, right? Here we go. All my ancient twisted karma, from beginningless greed, hate, and delusion, born through body, speech, and mind, I now fully avow. I take refuge in Buddha. I take refuge in Dharma. I take refuge in Sangha. And so on.

[17:31]

So we've been talking about settling. Of course, we must be present to settle, so that's why we need to pay attention to the forms. But to settle means that you don't think that the pain will ever change. That's what settling is. Settling isn't about some state of mind. Settling means you don't think that whatever state of mind you're in is ever going to change. So sometimes we kind of play games with ourself. We think, okay, I've got it now. I'm going to let fear or anger or grasping or whatever,

[18:41]

I'm going to let my thoughts come and go. I'm doing pretty good. I'm doing pretty good. Is that a bus? What is that? We're singing a duet, whatever it is, and myself. Anyway, we think that when we let things come and go, this is the thing, you have to be careful here. We think that when we let things come and go, we're doing really well. And that if we do that, the karmic energy of those things will eventually dissipate.

[19:46]

We make a deal with ourselves, okay, I'll sit here and I'll let things come and go and eventually I'll be better. And in a way it's true, but shh, don't let yourself think that way because it throws you into the future. And when you do that, that's not settling. And you need to really settle. And again, the way to settle is to really honestly consider that whatever state of mind you're in is exactly never ever going to be any different because in that moment it actually is never going to be any different, it's going to be exactly what it is. So don't fool yourself. And that's why it's so hard. It really is difficult to think that our life is really what it is right now. It's really difficult. What about that unfulfilled love, the paths not taken,

[20:53]

the body we actually have right now, the relationships that didn't work out, the amount of money we have, our looks, or any number of things we imagine could and should be better. I'm reminded of that Peggy Lee song, If That's All There Is, Let's Keep Dancing. I really hated that song when I heard it because I resented it because I really felt things ought to be better, should be better, I would make them better. And I struggled for years. And it's not that things so-called can't be better, it's the struggle that is our ego self, our small self, that is what traps us into samsara. It's very tricky. And that's what we need to give up.

[21:56]

And that's how to settle. It takes a lot of courage to let everything be as it is because there's no consolation. So it's a big risk. Okay. What if we really are going to be as unhappy as we actually are? What if we're going to be really as disappointed as we really are? Can we live that way? Can we stand up in that life and not have it be any different? Can we endure the major and minor humiliations of life and stand up there? That is our way. We stand up as who we really are. We don't make up somebody else. Here's a poem, Mary Oliver.

[23:02]

You may know it. Wild Geese. We don't have to be good. We do not have to walk on our knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. We only have to let the soft animal of our body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile, the world goes on. Meanwhile, the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile, the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whatever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting, over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

[24:10]

What would it be if we really dropped knowing altogether, knowing who we are or knowing anything at all? In there, there is a great peace. All we need to do is let the animal of our body love the things it loves. This is complete activity in each moment. This is what kitchen practice is about. In kitchen practice, it's complete manifestation of Dogen's way. Practice and realization are the same. Complete involvement in each form. And the form is cutting carrots. The form is cutting onions. The form is stirring the soup.

[25:22]

The form is the posture where a person in the kitchen stands when they're chopping. The form is listening to another person, really listening to another person when they speak, really tasting. It's not by mistake that the instruction that Dogen wrote, the only particular instruction that Dogen wrote, was for the kitchen. When everything is said and done, what we have left is right in front of us. That shouldn't be a surprise. Yes. What if really, if it really is just like this,

[26:23]

can we settle here? Can this very life be acceptable, be what we actually are? Here's another quote from Suzuki Roshi. It's about bowing. When Suzuki Roshi taught, he taught by example for the most part. I mean, basically that's how he taught, by example. You watch this man and you couldn't exactly understand how he did what he did, because what he did was really ordinary. There wasn't anything to it. But you couldn't figure it out exactly how he did that. And I think the reason was, was because there was a sense of not exactly that nobody was home, but nobody particular was home, in particular. It was a very odd kind of experience. Anyway, maybe I've told some of you before, but one time I asked him what it meant, what is bowing. And what he did was, he got up

[27:27]

and he started bowing right to my side. He started bowing over and over and over again, and there it was in front of me. That's what it means to bow. I understand that he did that with somebody else and somebody asked him how to put it on an okesa. He got up and he put on his okesa. Bowing is a very serious practice. You should be prepared to bow even in your last moment. Even though it is impossible to get rid of our self-centered desires, we have to do it. Our true nature wants us to. Bowing is you becoming one with Buddha, with everything. When we forget our dualistic ideas, everything can be our teacher and something to bow to as ourselves. Here, everything has the same value. This is the spirit of Zen. To be able to bow in each moment, to die to our self on each moment. It's very useful

[28:38]

to throw yourself into bowing completely and be careful of your knees. Bowing was one of Suzuki Roshi's most important practices. It's also important to listen when you do the clackers. It's either a sharp clack or a round clack. Or when you do the bells or the mokugyo, both of which were terrific today, I thought. Very sensitive and great pace. You are giving to the community your state of mind. That's very important. And how we chant together also is very important. To listen to everyone. How you make sounds

[29:41]

with your utensils, with the oriyoki, very important. To pay particular attention to each thing. I am appreciating very much Jordan's energy. As Kokyo, please, let's follow that energy. We're having a little time figuring out how, but I'm sure that we're going to. We just have to listen to each other. Everybody's kind of a little wobbly, probably now, but I think we will. There is no way we can settle deeply if we're not present in the body, allowing the wisdom that is there to awaken us to life as it is, which is the perfect and only teacher.

[30:43]

Each of us are our own teacher. People just can guide us a little bit, but actually we are responsible for doing the work all by ourselves. And there is no more perfect mirror than life exactly as it is. When you have your sutra books, don't put them under the Zabaton, unless you're sitting on the floor. But if you're sitting on the high tans, put them between the wall and your Zabaton, because they're sutras, and we shouldn't put things on top of sutras. And when you put your Zabatons down for service, don't flop. Place them on the floor, and don't move them with your feet.

[31:45]

Bend down and turn. It's very hard. This stuff is hard. But it's great, because it shows us who we are, our resistance, our pride, our anger. That's what the forms do. What are the forms? The forms are our life, whether it's in the kitchen, or in the zendo, or anyplace else. But it's just in the zendo, it's the easiest to pay really attention to it, because in the zendo, your response to the forms obviously is only you. There's nobody you can blame. It's just you and your life, and the forms help you look at it. When I was in... It's another way of looking at the forms. When I was in Hokyo-ji with Katagiri Roshi, he invited a very famous Zen master, a very accomplished Zen master, whose name was Iko Narasaki Roshi, who's the person I actually dedicated

[32:48]

my own ordination to. He's total dogen. He taught straight dogen. And what did he teach? I was really upset. He taught... This is crazy. I resisted. I'm even resisting telling you what he said was that dogen's understanding or dogen's way or realization itself, okay, enlightenment itself or awakening itself, I hardly could use the words, is doing the forms exactly correct. Well, we fought with him tooth and nail. It was like a rebellion. It was... Katagiri Roshi was so embarrassed. He even... One night when Iko Narasaki Roshi was supposed to give a lecture, he asked him to please stay home. And instead, Katagiri Roshi came to the zendo where we...

[33:51]

They only had the zendo, so we did the talks in the zendo. And he basically... He begged us. He begged us. Basically, he was on his knees. Begged us to please just listen to this man. This man, he paid thousands of dollars to have him come from Japan. It was his teacher, right? And this guy is regarded... He was the... This person, Iko Narasaki Roshi, was invited to be the next abbot of the Heiji. He died too soon, I'm sorry to say. This is the level of person we're talking about. He invites him to Hokyo-ji where there's like, you know, 25 people doing a practice period in the middle of Minnesota. And we're telling him no, you know. But, I mean, really, just doing the forms perfectly is realization itself? Please, give me a break. I don't think so. But, you know, actually, just between me and you, it's kind of true.

[34:53]

Because Dogen's teaching is wholehearted activity. Practice and realization is not different. Because it's about not dualism, just the middle way. And when we really do the middle way, the middle way disappears. There's nothing there. There's no such thing as the middle way. What is that? The only thing that the middle way is, it's right in front of you, your life, right exactly in front of you. That's the middle way. So what's exactly in front of us? Please, do gosho this way. I mean, really. But complete do gosho, complete bow. I'm so embarrassed, I sound like Katagiri. It's ridiculous, you know. Anyway, that's... I'm beginning to believe it. So please, it's not easy to not have anything to get

[35:56]

and to know deeply that there is something, there is everything to do. So in the midst of suffering we find our way. The forms help us remember what our deep intention is. The forms shows us our self, our true self, our uniqueness, and also our self-concern, our resistance, our small selves. Thank you, kitchen, very much. In the midst of suffering we find our way. Doing the forms is our life and doing them with awareness is our way. Seeing the process of mind and setting it aside. Seeing the process of mind and setting it aside.

[36:59]

Not the content. Seeing the process of mind and setting it aside. We gosho. When we are hurting we pick up the chair carefully. When we are tired we rejoice with gratitude when we bow. We bow completely, the best we can, for no reason at all. Practice is about the endless engagement in our living and dying each moment. We are alive right now and it will never happen again. As somebody said a long time ago,

[38:09]

this is not a rehearsal. It's too bad. I would have done a lot better next time. But, anyway. So we have to pay attention. We have to return over and over to where we are and forget everything. We have to dive into the ocean with a feeling of kindness. We dive into the ocean of Dharma. We dive into our lives as they are. So, today, I've tried to talk about form, kind of sneaking it in, in between things. But there are good,

[39:14]

there are good, there are good foundations to encourage us, second day of seishin. Seishin. So, gently, in the body, the spaciousness that comes in the body, settle first with the hindrances, letting them come and letting them go,

[40:15]

back again and again to the body, to the breath. And perhaps you can have a peek. Underneath those wafting thoughts and emotions, there is that sense of separation. Separation. Stay there. All the Buddhas, the Bodhisattvas and ancestors are also sitting at the heart of suffering. May we and all beings

[41:23]

be free from self-clinging. May I...

[41:33]

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