I'm going to throw a little clinker into the arrangements here. As I understand the intimacy of our practice period together, of this form of Dharma taught during Ongo, it begins with us bowing to each other. And it's a little awkward to figure out quite how to do that, but we'll work it out. You know, the first thing it says in the guidelines, or at least as I remember the guidelines, it was the very first thing on the page. I noticed when the Ino read them it was the last thing he read. It's a quotation from Suzuki Roshi, in which he tried to say something about what our practice together here is during Ongo,

[01:00]

of what the practice of Sangha is. It said students should be as intimate as milk and water. More intimate than that even, because we are all friends together from previous lifetimes, practicing this way together, here and now. I think maybe of the intimacy of a fish and water. A fish is so intimate with water, he doesn't even know that he's in the water. But the very life of the fish depends on the water. The fish is completely supported by the water. The fish receives everything it needs from the water. It has no notion of being separate from it.

[02:07]

And Suzuki Roshi is saying to us, this is the kind of intimacy that will support our practice, that will support us in answering our innermost request, in satiating our passionate inner desire to experience our wholeness, our non-separateness, our oneness with everything. To really have our own direct, complete experience of not one, not two. But when we have that experience, it's not our own. It doesn't belong to anyone. It just is what it is. But our ability to express ourselves wholeheartedly in the world, our ability to respond appropriately to whatever arises in our life,

[03:20]

grows from that experience of intimacy, that experience of wholeness, of completeness. And I think that those of you who did not have the opportunity to know Suzuki Roshi, maybe can't understand the kind of devotion that you hear from those of us who practiced with him. Because to have someone see you directly as whole and complete, to be seen in that way, touches something very, very deep within us and awakens

[04:23]

our innermost heart and turns us toward this request, this unknown, inchoate longing to experience directly our wholeness, our connectedness, our non-separateness from all that is. So when he says, to save all beings is to save ourselves, to save ourselves is to save all beings. It's not one and then the other. They don't follow one after the other. They are one thing. To liberate ourselves is to liberate all beings. To liberate all beings is to liberate ourselves. But this longing that we feel,

[05:36]

this innermost request that we feel, is, as he says, like reaching for a pillow, groping for a pillow in the dark. We don't know what we're reaching for, but we're reaching for something. And so we come to a place like this to gather together with a group of other people who are also reaching in the dark. And perhaps, if we are most fortunate, we will meet in that way, in which we realize no separation. But, you know, can we trust one another? Can we trust this situation? Can we allow ourselves to be that intimate?

[06:38]

You know, Mel said at the beginning of Rohatsu Sesshin in Berkeley, if your ego knew that you were taking it into Sesshin to slaughter it, it would never let you come. The same is true of coming to Ongo. This ego, this separate self, this idea that we have of someone separate, special, this notion of a separate self, which we all hold so dear, stands in the way of finding what we're looking for as we grope in the dark.

[07:43]

And so our practice is just a play back and forth between this longing and this thinking that we are safe in our separateness. But if this... I mean, we've spent a lifetime developing whatever particular notion we have of ourselves, whatever... whatever particular... set of concepts, descriptions, definitions

[08:53]

that we identify with, we've spent a lifetime putting it together, and if it were safe, and if we were content with it, why would we be here? Why would we go to all this trouble? Most of us have gone to quite some trouble to get ourselves here. Why? What for? If you are content with this precious separate self that we have put together over all these years, if it's all cozy and comfortable as it is, why bother? There must be some reason we came here.

[09:56]

There must be something that's not settled yet. Why bother? So we throw ourselves into this pot, but we're not yet ready to just be all one flavor, to let all of these flavors blend to make one delicious stew. We want to keep a particular flavor of this particular nugget somehow intact. And we may think that

[11:03]

the way in which we throw ourselves together here is quite extreme, but if we had the facility for a real sodo where we each have one tatami mat space in the sodo, and another one tatami mat space in the shurio, and no privacy at all, we would see that we allow ourselves in Tassajara a great deal of space to hide out and remain separate. To not see all of those little particularities with which we identify, all those little ways in which we keep ourselves separate. We all have a private room to go back to

[12:11]

and close the door. So although we're quite intimate here, we have our little protections for ego. So in the space that we do share together, here in the zendo, we have to make even greater effort to find our intimacy. And one of the ways in which we do that is in our service, in bowing together and chanting together. Can we learn to chant together as one voice? Suzuki Roshi used to say,

[13:12]

chant with your ears. Chant with your ears. When you're chanting, be aware of the chanting all around you and blend with it, become one with it. No one voice should predominate, perhaps the kokyo or the ino only, to set the pace. And even though we may think that we know what the pace should be, unless we've been given that responsibility by being kokyo or ino, we should let the one who has that responsibility set the pace. And we should take great care to chant with everyone. And we should take great care

[14:13]

to allow our voice to blend with everyone so that there's one voice. When I first came to Sokoji Temple to practice, I was very eager to jump right in and participate. And so during service I was chanting with a very loud voice. And Suzuki Roshi walked over to me during service and said, you should chant so that you may hear the voices of the people next to you. And then he walked back to his place. Just right during service, very quietly in my ear. So I never forgot it. So actually it was a great kindness,

[15:16]

though I was a bit embarrassed. And sometimes I'm tempted to do that. But somehow it feels like maybe I don't know, it seems so natural that I didn't feel so singled out. But I think if I did it here and now, someone might feel quite singled out and embarrassed and upset and angry. There it is again. I don't want anyone to be angry with me. So perhaps I'll take a chance. If I hear some voice sticking out above the crowd, I may just walk over and say, please chant with your ears. It's one of the ways in which we can give up our separateness

[16:18]

and join with everyone. It's very simple. Or when we find ourselves trying to lead the pack, I notice in the rogue chant, I'm chanting very loudly. I noticed it this morning. I think I know how the rhythm of the rogue chant goes, and I'm afraid you don't, and I want you to be sure you get it. So I noticed this morning I was chanting very loudly. It's not my job. It's your job. So can we help each other in this way? When we see ourselves sticking out, say, oh, hmm, I'm being special again.

[17:25]

What happens? I mean, we are going along being intimate, but being connected with everything, and then some thought, some judgment, some preference, some irritation separates us, cuts us apart and leaves us like a fish out of water. Can we take a chance and jump back in the water? Can we take a chance and jump back in the water? Can we lose ourselves here in the midst of this sangha?

[18:27]

Can we take such a risk Can we trust one another that much? Can we trust the situation that much? Can we trust the Buddha Dharma that much? Do we have a choice? Do we have a choice? Shall we stay separate with our own special brand of suffering? Or shall we just join in with everyone's suffering? And find our joy

[19:42]

in that intimacy, in that dangerous intimacy in which we may lose ourselves completely if we're lucky. See if you can cultivate some awareness of the ways, of the particular ways in which you separate yourself, in which you hold yourself apart. In which you set up some specialness. Suzuki Roshi once said also we all want to be special. Sometimes if we can't be specially good

[20:49]

then we want to be specially bad. But just being ordinary, how about that? Just being an ordinary Buddha, how about that? There is no safety here. There is no safety in this life at all. There is only the moment

[21:56]

by moment living of our life as it arises. But there is nothing to hold on to. This life will slip between your fingers like Tassajara Creek. If you get out there and you try to hold on to Tassajara Creek, what have you got? A closed wet fist. Will you come to the end of your life still trying to hold on to something like that? Or will you open your arms and embrace all of who you are? And not try to hold on to any of it?

[23:01]

Thank you for watching this film. or if you want to ask any questions, feel free to leave a comment. We should be as intimate as milk and water. More intimate than that, even. For we're all friends from previous lives, practicing this way together. I would like to say one more thing about being kind to yourself.

[25:26]

As you, you know, you can take this talk and you can, when you notice yourself being special, when you notice yourself grabbing on to a preference, a definition, a judgment, and you can beat yourself over the head with it. Or you can say, oh, good for you, you've noticed. There's a self clinging, huh, good, I saw it. It's a big difference in noticing and criticizing yourself and noticing and appreciating that

[26:28]

you notice. And one of the biggest differences is you will allow yourself to notice more and more clearly how you separate yourself. And it's in that very practicing of kindness and compassion for yourself and for your own habitual tendencies that allows you to be kind and compassionate with your brothers and sisters here. If you notice their self clinging and their habitual tendencies, it allows you to be less critical and less judgmental of others if you find out how to be less critical and less judgmental of yourself. Just to say, oh, I see, that's how I do it. Oh. That's why I feel so sick.

[27:34]

Someone told me once that they had a lot of trouble with anger and they felt very isolated. And then they were studying the Abhidharma and saw that the Suramanga, it said, the function of anger is separation. And she said, oh, that's why I feel so isolated. The function of anger is separation. So if we become, so naturally, if we're angry, anger is just pushing things away. So this, this is, this is its function. So if you become angry with yourself or if you become angry with others, when you see

[28:45]

some habitual tendency or some self clinging, this, this is what separates us. This is what hinders our intimacy. If we're going to be intimate, we have to allow each other and ourselves to be who we are. We have to be willing to be who we are and we have to be willing to let everyone else be who they are. Can we do it? I don't know, but let's try. Let's just do the best we can. And that's who we are. Please, let's be like fish in water.

[30:04]

And if we find that we've jumped out of the creek and have landed on the bank, jump back in again. There's plenty of water around for us to hold that metaphor. We hear it all around us today. I haven't so much to say, but I'm so enjoying sitting here listening to the water. And breathing with you.

[31:08]

We are in treasure. We are in treasure.

[31:41]

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