This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening. Once again, it's a time of change. are getting close to a time of change at Tassajara. It's always a time of change. People are flowing through Tassajara. Guests are flowing through. Students are flowing through all the time. But as we're coming close to the end of the guest season, it's a big change. It's a change when almost everybody goes away, either for a short time or for a long time. Sometimes this brings up sometimes a kind of sentimental feeling.

[01:01]

It also brings up gratitude. And I think it might be part of why I've been having some of the thoughts I've been having lately that I wanted to share with you tonight. I think maybe in the beginning of the guest season, I talked about host and guest. And that's kind of an obvious thing to come up around the guest season at Tassajara. And it's been coming up for me again. how much, well, first of all, what is host? What is host? I looked it up in the dictionary, and all the meanings of host that have to do with this, there are other kinds of hosts, but that have to do with host and guest. Host is completely dependent upon guest. I mean, it's like the person who lives there, who lives in the place, but if there's no guest, they aren't the host, they're just the person who lives there. when the guests come, then the person who lives there and who receives the guest is the host.

[02:01]

So I think one of the reasons that Tassar is such a special place, I think most of us feel like Tassar is a special place, is this interplay between host and guest. And I think it has many aspects to it. There's the... maybe obvious aspect of the people who do the practice periods, you know, who have lived here longer, hosting everybody else, right? Hosting the guest, hosting the new students, especially in the beginning of the summer, but all summer long. So there's that host-guest kind of thing happening. But then very quickly, the new students become the host. You know, like you're in... service in the morning for a day or two, and you find yourself at the back of the line, and you're expected to be the one who hands out the sutra books. You know, just help take care of service.

[03:06]

Hand out the sutra books, when they come back to you, put them away. Or you're at the student meal, and it probably doesn't happen for a few days, but soon you find that you're standing near the clappers and nobody else is. And you know what to do. You know, at the end of the third round of the drum, you hit the clappers, and then you chant along with everybody, and then you wait for 15 minutes, and you hit the clappers again. And this gives a feeling, I think, and is really true, that people are taking up the care of the monastery and taking up receiving people and making Tassajara accessible to them. And then there are all the other, like the Jiki Do and Firewatch and the trainees that go on and all the Zendo jobs and different ways that people who are pretty new to Tassajara become the host, become part of taking care of this place and welcoming others into it.

[04:10]

And having a big effect on how others experience it. For the students from the practice period, there are other ways that that keeps extending, like doing zazen instruction and giving those one-time classes and being heads of crews and other positions of responsibility. And then there are the ways that, let's see, I'm going to look at my notes because I don't want to, I thought this out in such a clever way. make sure I don't miss something oh yes some of you have heard me say this many times but I believe it so much I think it's worth repeating that the the way that the summer and the practice period goes together I feel like it's so important for our training you know that it's and it has to do with this

[05:15]

taking up the role of host. So in the practice period, it's a very deep experience, you know, and a lot happens for people. And by the end of the practice period, usually people are pretty calm and quiet. Not always during the practice period, but by the end of it, usually they're pretty calm and quiet and feeling pretty connected to the people around them and also pretty vulnerable because they haven't seen new people very much for three months. have gotten pretty open to themselves and therefore to others. And then the summer comes, you know, the practice period ends, the work period, the new students, the workers, the guests all arrive. And that movement, that internal movement from focusing on oneself in an open way, but in the community and coming to some calm, peace, openness, rawness with yourselves or freshness or something with yourself, and to have to extend that, share your home, share your special place with all these new people, many, many, many new people.

[06:32]

It's sometimes a difficult thing, but I think a really healthy thing, something that if we didn't need the money from the guest season, we would still need to do something like the guest season, in order to have a healthy maturing of our practice. And then there are the guests. So some of our guests at Tazahara have been coming to Tazahara for way longer than most of our students. So in a way, they're the hosts. They come every year. They come back to check and see, is it still here? And are we still taking care of it? And... Also, they bring their friends. Sometimes they bring new friends. This is one of the best things to do at Tassar, I think, is to bring someone who has never been here. You bring someone, you get to show them all your special places and show them around. And I guess also, and students, show around other people who weren't your friends, who didn't come with you, but you just happened to sit at the table with somebody new, and you tell them how to do bagged lunch before we can get to them.

[07:38]

Thank you very much. So the guests are also the hosts. And also, the way our guests are, the way the guests at Tassajara are, helps to make Tassajara. There's no way that we could have no locks on the doors if there wasn't some agreement, unspoken, but still an agreement amongst us about how we're going to be here at Tassajara. And there is the financial support that the guests give to us. In a way, our guests are kind of like our patrons. It's like they host our monastery by supporting us to continue living this life. So in a way, the guests are the hosts. There is a saying, we chant it, one day out of five here at Tassajara that is the whole thing goes well not the whole thing the edited version goes practice secretly working within just to continue in this way is called the host within the host so there's this phrase host within the host which really reminds me of Tassajara especially when I walk to or from the bathhouse

[09:06]

that stretch of the path that goes along the creek from the stone rooms to the new bathhouse, I often have this feeling of being received by Tassajara, of being in the host or carried by or received by the host of Tassajara. And maybe some of you have that feeling a lot, maybe especially the guests have that feeling a lot. sometimes I forget to feel it when I'm busy being the host I forget that I'm being hosted but in that stretch I it comes up for me often oh I'm just passing on this energy that Tassajara is giving me and giving us this acceptance this receiving I've wondered what well let me say first I A little while ago, Tenshin Reb Anderson came to Tassajara, and he's my teacher, so I wanted to, and I thought I should, go to Doksan.

[10:14]

So I signed up for it, and I went, but I wasn't as often as the case. I think probably most of you feel this way. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to talk about or what there was to talk about, but I went. And I still wasn't sure what to talk about. And I sat down in front of him, and I still wasn't sure what to talk about. So I was kind of searching for what might there be to talk about. And again, I think it's a pretty common experience that if you're looking for what to talk about, you're kind of looking for, is there a problem here that I could bring up? And the problem, of course, was with me. I mean, that's what I felt like, oh, here's a little problem that I sometimes feel about myself. So I brought up to him this feeling that I have about myself that maybe it would be good if I was more active. You know, like if I did more. Like, you know, Greg sometimes gets up and adjusts postures during Zazen, and I haven't done that this summer, except when I did that one day sitting.

[11:23]

I just sit there. So I said to Rev, maybe I should be more like Greg. I should get up and adjust postures or something like that. And he said, so you're just sitting there. Maybe you should just give your sitting, just give you to Tassahara. Give you to everybody. Just whoever you are, just give yourself to Tassahara. It's so beautiful, you know? It's just what Dogen says about giving. Like, give yourself. Give yourself to yourself, actually, Dogen says. And give others to others. And I was trying to think, what does this practice secretly working within have to do with hosting? With the host within the host. And I think this is one way it is. It's how to give yourself to yourself. And give others to others is kind of a secret thing.

[12:24]

It's not something you go around telling people, like, oh, I'm going to give you yourself. Or I'm going to give you me. Or Dogen says, you know, give the flowers on the distant mountains to somebody, to the Tathagata, I think he says, but anyway, to everybody. You know, so I'm giving you. No, this is something that we can actually do secretly, practicing within. having a feeling of giving. And I think it's really important to not have, when I say have a feeling of giving, not try to manufacture a feeling of giving or have a vision of yourself as a giving person that you're trying to make yourself into. It's better to start just receiving. Be the host for the you that appears. Whatever you appears, the surprise guest of you, be the host for that guest.

[13:28]

And especially if you find yourself or you find that you already did something that was surprising to you and maybe you didn't think was such a good thing to do, like you do something that's surprising that you wish wasn't you, but there you were doing it. At that point, be the host. Be the host who... One of the things I forgot to say earlier, a host is the person who lives there, and the host is kind of the one who makes things work, but not like a boss. They're not the one who says, you do this, and you do this, and you do this. They're the one who kind of notices, how's it going? Is everyone comfortable here? Is everyone accepted? Does everyone feel included? So to do that role for ourselves, to include whichever me shows up, to be practicing secretly, working within, be there for whatever Leslie shows up, whoever you are shows up, and host that person, receive that person, and be there for them.

[14:38]

And then this host within the host, to be doing that within something, That is doing that for us. That, you know, on the way over here, I was thinking, oh, hosted by the crickets. You know, the crickets are here, like, giving us Tassajara, giving us cricket sounds over and over again, and those foxes that we keep hearing singing, you know. Foxes giving us Tassajara, giving us the mountains, the mountains giving us themselves. to be able to or to be open to being the host, being the one who's responsible in a way, who's welcoming as much as we can and receiving, but within something bigger that's receiving all of us, all of us.

[15:42]

and then you know because we're leaving here in one way or another we're leaving here to try that out you know to see I mean I think Buddhism is not just about Tassajara the host within the host you know they weren't thinking about Tassajara when they wrote that they might have been thinking about some other monastery but I have a feeling they were thinking about something much bigger than a monastery they were actually thinking about the world how the world is actually a host for us, how it provides what is needed to bring forth the next me. Something comes, something comes forth. Next thing comes, something else comes forth. So to have that question at least, or to have that attitude as we go to whatever we're going to, wherever we're going, can I be the host here? Can I be... The one who's receiving everything that's coming toward me, can I feel a part of, a working part of any situation?

[16:55]

Even though there is something happening and it may be complicated or messy or seem like a mistake or whatever, no situation is fixed. We're still a functioning part of it and whatever we put in, changes the situation so in that way to be the host to be the host in our situation but to start with being the host for myself whatever self is arising now and then to offer that self to the situation to who's ever in front of us but in the context of the host within the host no it's not me having to make which brings up my my springtime mantra Now that it's fall, I'll remind you of it all again because it's a good one. In the spring, it gets pretty crazy around here as we're coming out of the practice period into the summer. And back when I was director, probably, this mantra came up for me as I was scurrying around trying to make everything work.

[18:05]

And the mantra was, I cannot make Tassajara work if it works. It's by the grace of dependent co-arising. So you can fill in whatever place or person or whatever you want. I cannot make blank work if it works with that possibility of something beyond what I call working happening. It's by the grace of dependent co-arising. This is the host, the host within the host, dependent co-arising, how everything is coming together to give us present and we receive the present so I I wish for us all to take this experience this attitude wherever we go and share that you know practice secretly working within share that with whoever we meet and see whether this teaching is true

[19:12]

that the host within the host supports us all. So let me see what time it is. Yes, as usual, we have time for some questions or comments if you have any. Yes. It's seen that way right now. Thanks. Yes? I just want to say how supported I feel by you just sitting there. Thank you. I feel very supported by you sitting there, too. I'd feel pretty funny if I was up here by myself. Thanks for coming. Thanks.

[20:13]

Anything else? Yes, camera. I'm still somewhat clear on the host within the host. Yes. Did you understand any of what I said? Yes. But did any particular part of it? Well, what I I'm saying here at least what I think right now is a person, me or you or somebody, is acting as the host, receiving things, and being open to how they impact inside. So being a host of myself, first of all, whatever self arises, and then acting as that person. because we have no other choice, partly, but also partly because we want to receive what's there. But it's within this context of the world doing that for us, receiving us, supporting us, being there for us.

[21:24]

I'm not sure that I have it so clear either. I'm just sharing with you all some thoughts. It reminds me of one of those three pure precepts that we say, I vow to live and be lived for the benefit of all beings. Yeah, very good. I vow to host and be hosted. Yeah, yeah, interesting. That's great. Thank you. Live and be lived. Very nice phrasing we have there. Yes, Mary Catherine. What do you do when you don't feel very hosted by it? Something. Yeah. Well, I would start in the same place. Try to be the host for that feeling. Try to receive that feeling in you, not necessarily as the truth, but as the you that's arising in relationship to the world right now. And stay close to that, probably somewhat scared feeling.

[22:28]

If we're feeling... Not hosted, I assume, means we're feeling like we don't fit in or like we're not wanted. Is that what you meant by not hosted? Anxious? Yeah. Yeah, I think anxious partly is we feel like all the responsibility is on me. Again, I have to make this work, especially my life. I have to figure it out, get it together and all that. Yeah, it's pretty, well, we're going to take on not only the hosting, but the boss role for the whole shebang as far as it touches me anyway. It's kind of a little bit of an ego trip. But again, rather than just trying to talk yourself out of it, I would say that the most effective way is to notice that feeling and be open to it, be close to it. It gets clearer. how inaccurate it is, in a way.

[23:34]

And then, you know, this question, well, is it trust, as Kokyo was saying today, trust. Really, this practice is very much about trust. And if trust doesn't arise, rather than trying to talk ourselves into trust, trusting something, I would say just to have a question, is it trustworthy? Which is, way different than our normal, this is not okay, this is not trustworthy. But to have some crack in the certainty of the untrustworthiness or the unhostedness of ourselves and have a question, is it okay to be in this situation? Is that helping? Is it okay? Well, maybe, maybe you could just hold the answer no in abeyance and just keep asking the question. Because, yeah, your feeling is no, but what about really?

[24:40]

Okay. Yes, Chris? Thank you for reminding me of the Dogen saying to give others to others and yourself to yourself. I feel like that is a great thing to remember, this disagreement or if you're in conflict, because, you know, like when you agree to disagree, you're sort of going to be like, look, you, you, and I'll be in. Yes. Let's just go ahead and be us together. And it doesn't have to necessarily involve someone. Yes, yes. Yes, definitely. one would hope it would happen, otherwise we'd be a bunch of clones or something. And not just agreeing to disagree, but as we explore that disagreement, to give others to others and ourselves to ourselves, and ourselves to others and others to ourselves, to really invite, by that I mean wanting to know, who are you?

[25:56]

What are you thinking? Are you really thinking what I think you're thinking? And to be revealing, like, here's what's happening for me, which is often not what first appears, right? Like, what usually appears is some defense of the vulnerability that's there, so to offer ourselves. Yeah, thank you. I also sort of pause before feeling initially that such a revelation or, you know, revealing your vulnerability It's like giving them another hand. Yeah, yeah. Yes, a common feeling. Yeah. Yes, and the way out of fear. But, you know, as Mary Catherine was saying, perhaps more into fear, you know, it's pretty scary, actually, to offer ourselves to others in that way. Thank you. Yes. The fool. I left that part out, didn't you notice? I left it out for a reason, but I don't remember that reason right now.

[27:07]

So the part that Yossi is talking about, for those of you who don't know, is practice secretly working within like a fool, like an idiot, just to continue in this way as the host within the host. Sure, I can say something about that. I think, in a way, we have to be like a fool, like an idiot, in order to let in reality, because we have such a worked out idea about almost everything, and certainly about ourselves, and certainly about any situation that we really care about. We think we see it, and when we do see it, We have some experience of it, and it immediately fits into... I was talking with somebody the other day. We make a really little box for ourselves with our ideas, and then we sit there cramped up inside it and think, this is good. This feels safe. I've got my little box of my idea around myself. So to get past that box, to have some chance of seeing the...

[28:12]

You know, for instance, the unstuckness, the unfixedness of a situation, that things are actually changing all the time and that the other person is not necessarily saying, thinking, feeling what we think they're saying, thinking, feeling. We have to have somewhat, we have to, like, you know, I don't know what, see our ideas as foolish or just put them aside and be there like a fool with no ideas or with... only ideas that we don't quite believe. Does that make sense? Anything else? Yes, Susan. It's my understanding that this is probably the last garbage talk of the guest season. Greg will give one on Saturday. But I just wanted to say there's a sense of gratitude within this one about all that has gone on for these last five, six months, and the profound amount of physical labor.

[29:25]

And sometimes there were moments that I didn't think I could take another step. Yes. But there's something about the practice and the grace of Bodhichitta that continues to continue to continue. So the practice really has hosted us and hosted us very, very well. Thank you. And it's true, it's amazing to me how physical, I mean, most of the work here is straight out manual labor, right, which is especially until you get to senior staff level, really. There's just lots and lots and lots of just physical work to be done. And there's a wonderful thing about that. In terms of practice, even though it's hard physically, it's a lot simpler because of the way we work with our brain, how much we identify with our brain.

[30:29]

It's simpler in a way to just do it and practice with it. And there's lots of room for feelings to come up. And still, okay, so here's a lot of feelings I'm having about this, but really... I don't have anything to decide here. I just have to go clean the showers. It's really clear. And I might have a lot of feelings, and I can take those feelings in there with me, and I can make the bed, and I can chop the carrots and have my feelings, but I don't have to do much. And then somebody says, okay, now you be head of crew. Then you've still got feelings, probably, but you have to relate with people at the same time. And then you become a staff member, and you've still got feelings. And you not only relate with people, but you don't have the physical labor so much to, like, work it out on. So it has its advantages and its disadvantages, all of that. But, yes, thank you. I agree. We're very well hosted. It often seems clear to me, even though, you know, in ancient monasteries they didn't have a guest season.

[31:36]

Well, maybe they did. I don't know. But they didn't have one like this probably where they closed down. Anyway, whatever. I don't know about ancient monasteries. But in the practice period, it seems very clear to me how this schedule was developed. I don't know if it's really clear, but it seems clear to me how this schedule was developed over thousands of years, how it really is balanced, how the eating and the... sitting and the service and anyway it all seems perfect right when it seems perfect it seems perfect and the summer also seems that way seems like it was developed over thousands of years to have be have that kind of perfection where all kinds of imperfection is allowed you're welcome thank you that's enough for tonight thank you all very much Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center.

[32:40]

Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[32:55]

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