Welcome again. So I thought it would kind of include some news, like what's going on in my life, along with our study together. So as you know, many of you know, we have now been at Encel Village for almost three weeks, or the beginning of our third week, Karina and I, and I would like to report that we are very happy here. This is a really sweet place to be and a lot of very nice people. So even though we're still confronting many stacks, boxes of books stacked up in various places, most of them are due to go to the library here, which is a really interesting decentralized plan that some of the residents made of having our books sorted into about 15 categories and then put put out in the hallways. There are these little reading areas with bookshelves on each of the corridors where the buildings meet.

[01:14]

So there's going to be a poetry section and a Buddhist section and all kinds of different things, cooking and stuff. So that's kind of sweet. So we're still working on sorting through our own books so we can add them to the community's collection. And then this morning, I was invited to join about 25 of the residents, most of whom I haven't met yet, or I did this morning. I got a chance to meet them. And we looked at a koan together in one of those books, which I have had for a long time, which was published back in 2013, entitled The Hidden Lamp, Stories from 25 Centuries of Awakened Women, edited by Susan Moon and Florence Kaplow. Some of you may know that book, and probably many of you don't, but it's kind of a wonderful collection of teaching stories featuring women, which is kind of rare. And Buddhist koans usually don't have women.

[02:14]

Women aren't mentioned, or if they are, not by name. So these two women went about collecting a whole bunch of really interesting stories and then invited contemporary women Buddhist teachers to write commentary. So I was one among many. If you look at the book or have the book, there's a lot of names there that are familiar, some not so much, but everyone has a community, is in community somewhere that they're leading or supporting. So the story that I chose to write about is called The Old Woman Steals Zhao Zhou's Bamboo Shoots. The Old Woman Steals Zhao Zhou's Bamboo Shoots. And this is a story from the ninth century about this very famous Zen master, Zhao Zhou, who was quite a large figure in what Tang Dynasty China, which is called the Golden Age of Zen. So he's pretty well known. So his name is kind of in bold letters in this story.

[03:17]

And then although he was famous, and the actual hero of this story in my commentary is the old woman, who, as I mentioned, doesn't have a name. She just called old woman. But so anyway, I talked about that story this morning with this group and we had a really wonderful conversation about women, about Buddhism, about what it meant, you know, what's going on there. So I thought I would just read you the koan and then tell you just a little the ending of what I had written about that koan. So one day, Master Zhao Zhou Gongshin was outside the monastery, and an old woman came along carrying a basket. He asked her, where are you going? Which is a classic Zen question, where are you going? The old woman said, I am going to steal Zhao Zhou's bamboo shoots. Zhao Zhou asks, what will you do if you run into Zhao Zhou?

[04:22]

The old woman walked up to Zhao Zhou and slapped him. So this is the story, which I thought was rather amazing. So I'm not going to, as I said, not going to read the whole commentary of the book. But when I look back on my understanding in those days, well over 10, 12 years ago, I think I was pretty generous in how I viewed both the old Zen master and the old woman who gave him a slap. So here's what I wrote at the end of that essay. I'll share with you now. When Jajo asks, where are you going? I think the old lady is being challenged to respond. So the old lady checks out his humanity with a smack. This koan is a cliffhanger. Does Jajo meet the old woman freshly and openly? Or has he forgotten for a moment who she really is? And that without her, without the bamboo shoots, without the spring,

[05:24]

and without the empty basket, he would have no life at all. Not just this woman, this meeting, at this moment, but all meetings, all moments, and all women. They've known each other, and they've loved each other, they've slapped each other before. After all, she must have changed his dirty diapers a hundred million times, and that slap she gave him was a doozy. Maybe she thought that if she hit him really hard, that his loving heart would open to her once again, as it had in those many lifetimes ago. Mom? Sweetheart? Darling? You know, we don't see the word love used so often in the Dharma. In fact, there seems to be a fear of it. In particular, the body of it. The lovely body at every age of the child, of the woman, and of the man. But if what's happening in this story isn't love, including dare i say sex than i'm a monkey's uncle do we think he hit her back i doubt it i think he laughed his goofy old head off and so did his silly old girlfriend and they like us hand in hand will keep traveling the pathways together delighting the children and rattling the cages of the frightened young monks boo so anyway

[06:52]

It was sort of fun looking back over myself, you know, some time ago. And enjoying that. I thought that was, like I said, I think that was generous to both of them and to all of us. You know, a way of viewing us as really, basically, the content for our lives is love. And how do we keep remembering that? How do we keep finding that? So I really enjoyed talking with this group. as they offered their own interpretations of the koan, which for many of them was a new thing to do. They didn't really know what a koan was. It's a word in our vocabulary, but a lot of people don't really have an idea or kind of off-putting, like a trick question or something you can't answer. But they had a good time answering it and coming up with all kinds of ideas and notions about what it might mean. And in some cases, very insightful, very insightful and quite fun. So when I got home later, I read over several of the other essays that were written by contemporary Buddhist women teachers, and I thought that maybe we might like to look at some of those koans in that text after we finish with Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, with our current effort to find those glowing lanterns that are there inside of Suzuki Roshi's teaching.

[08:07]

So we can talk about doing that when we finish with with our study of Suzuki Rishi's work. So for this evening, I'm going to begin looking with you at part two of Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, and this section entitled Attitude. So the first talk in this section is called Single-Minded Way, and it begins with, even if the sun were to rise from the west, the Bodhisattva has only one way. Even if the sun were to rise from the west, the bodhisattva has only one way. So this saying is very much in keeping with last week's talk in which Suzuki Roshi tells us in a variety of ways that Zen practice along with life itself is nothing special. We are simply born deluded, greedy and hateful, while at the same time we are born overlooking the core truth of our lives, that we are actually Buddhas.

[09:11]

Buddhas who have not yet come to realize how that is so. So just like Shakyamuni Buddha, who took many years, you know, he was quite into his middle years before he realized who he truly was. So Suzuki Rishi tells us that realizing that you are an awakened being seems like something wonderful until you have that realization. And then it's nothing special. Oh, that's who I am. So nothing that has not been there all along, just like your hands and your legs and your eyes and ears and the nose on your face. You know, nothing special. And yet, you know, I have an example of the and yet. So last night, it's been a pretty busy week for me. I was in San Rafael at the 10th anniversary showing of a film called The States of Grace. which follows my family for several years after the terrible collision on the Golden Gate Bridge, which was in May of 2008, in which Grace Damon, who was my partner at the time, was left with debilitating injuries.

[10:21]

So in seeing that film again, after all these years, I was really struck by how ordinary our life may seem until something like that accident takes away those very ordinary abilities we all take for granted you know the ability to walk or to see or to feed ourselves to toilet ourselves to go to work and drive a car all of that are the things that grace lost the day of that accident so when grace woke up to all of the losses she'd suffered the journey that she and our family took together through her grief to her acceptance and finally to her full engagement with this new body that now carries her life is truly an inspiration. And whenever I'm with Grace, I'm like kind of in awe of how much she just keeps going. You know, this is what this chapter in my mind is about as well. You know, the iron road, a 10,000 mile long iron road that the Bodhisattva rides along.

[11:27]

So Grace says several times in the film, as she said, many times afterwards, that if it hadn't been for her Zen practice, she would not have been able to go or able or willing to go on living with what had happened to her with the loss. So part of that acceptance, as she said in one of the interviews, was coming to thoroughly know that nothing lasts, nothing lasts, not great pain, not great sorrow, nothing lasts. And that realization of the truth of impermanence was profoundly supportive to her as she entered again and again into surgeries and to physical rehabilitation following those surgeries and the supreme great disappointment that took place when she realized that she was not going to get better. So I don't feel that Grace takes anything for granted these days and is able to express great gratitude and support of all of those who helped her to find her new life, including me.

[12:28]

You know, I was there and I was doing a lot of the work of helping to feed her and toilet her and so on, bathe her and so on. And in fact, I am very grateful for having had that opportunity. And as it turns out, and I look back, it was a great honor to be needed, to really be needed. And it wasn't just, you know, somebody needs something. I was really needed in order for her to survive and to live and to get from day to day. She needed my help. And there's something so deeply satisfying about being needed. I think some of you may know that, you know, maybe you've been caregivers. So I was really grateful to that. And I have been so fully engaged with her in the tasks of daily living. And what a privilege to help someone you care about, someone you love, to be able to find their way home, which she did. I didn't do that for her. She did that for herself. So Suzuki Roshi, who gave so many of us this amazing perspective on our life, in this talk, quotes the Buddha, who has said, to appreciate your human life is as rare as soil on your fingernail.

[13:35]

To appreciate your human life is as rare as soil on your fingernail. And what he means is, since soil doesn't stick to our fingernails, appreciating our life is extremely rare. So learning to appreciate our life is what our Zen practice is really all about. He says that when he's sitting, he just wants to go on sitting. And then when he bows, he wants to go on bowing. And the same for chanting and for reading sutras. Each time he thinks, this is wonderful. And then he has to give it up in order to go on to the next wonderful thing. So basically, he's left simply wanting to tell us how much He appreciates, he just appreciates his life and his practice, and that's all. That's all it is, is appreciation. One of the things he said in this chapter showed up for me the very next morning when I went to sit in the zendo here at Enso Village, and usually I just sit down, I arrange my posture, and then I do what's called rock my body right and left, something I was instructed to do on the first day of meditation instruction.

[14:43]

meaning that I lean over to the right and I lean over to the left, first with my lower back and then with my torso, and then finally I do so with my head. And it's a nice gesture. I've been doing it now for 45 years or something like that. But I've stopped noticing it entirely. It's just something I do. And then after reading this talk in which he says that swaying to the right and left is a natural and appropriate way of expressing our true nature. So is sitting down and so is getting up. There's nothing we do is in preparation for something else. It's all part of our practice. When we think we are doing something to prepare for some big event, like cooking a meal, then we overlook the practices of shopping, of chopping and cleaning, of setting the table and of dressing ourselves for whoever is going to be joining us for dinner. We overlook the thing we're actually doing as we anticipate that big thing up ahead.

[15:47]

He quotes Dogen, who says, to cook or to fix some food is not preparation, it's practice. And then Suzuki Roshi adds, and to cook is not just to prepare food for someone or for yourself. It is to express your sincerity. So when you cook, you should express yourself in your activity in the kitchen by allowing yourself plenty of time with nothing else on your mind and without expecting anything. You should just cook. So this same attitude is not only for how we cook and how we sit, but for whatever we're doing. You know, whatever we do should be an expression of this same deep activity and not a preparation for something else. So I was really struck reading this, how much I was offered in having studied the Japanese tea ceremony. You know, this is a long time ago. I may have told you I went to tea class when I first arrived at Zen Center.

[16:49]

I heard about this class. I didn't have any idea what it was. But Suzuki Roshi's widow, who we called Sensei, Suzuki Sensei, was offering classes to those of us who would like to learn. tea. So I didn't know what tea was. I didn't particularly want to learn tea, but I wanted to talk to her and see if she'd tell stories about her husband who had died before I arrived. So I thought, well, here's my great chance to get the inside scoop on Suzuki Roshi. And as it turned out, she didn't talk about him much at all, but she did teach us how to make a bowl of green tea. And this is a process that takes many years in order to learn. It's a craft. It's an art. It's an art form. It's a ritual. It's beauty. It's friendship. It's all kinds of things. And it's amazing. And I had no idea. I had no idea what I was getting into. And there are a huge number of steps that go into making a bowl of green tea.

[17:51]

And each step has to be done correctly in order to make room for the next step, which is very close on the heels. So if you put the T whisk in the wrong spot, when you get ready to use the T bowl, the whisk will be in your way. So you have to learn the sequence of placements of these various utensils. And so each of each object in the tea room has its own special function, its own special place and its own special value. You know, it's true for everything in our life. How you hold a tea bowl and how you thank the hostess and your fellow students and the Zen ancestor, Hussein is hanging in this special alcove in the tea room along with the flower of the season, all very beautiful. And perhaps there's a precious incense container that's also there. And you learn how to show respect for these things, how to hold them and how to put them down, how to make sure you handle them safely. A lot of them are family treasures that have been passed down for centuries.

[18:53]

And again, the word privilege comes to mind. What a privilege to be given an opportunity and permission and to be trusted to hold someone's great-grandmother's tea bowl. It's something I don't have much experience of in our culture, which is often about new things that you just bought and just came in on the Amazon delivery. So it's a very different experience of objects. So over the years of studying tea, I began to notice how differently I began washing and drying dishes, and how I hung up my clothes, and how I tidied my room. As another amazing old lady said to me after she had spent a good number of hours in the morning clipping and arranging flowers for the house that we were sharing at the time, I said to her, why are you going to all this trouble, Nancy? We don't have any guests coming this week. And she said, I'm not going to this trouble because guests are coming.

[19:55]

I'm doing this for us. And I was like, whoa, doing this for us. So I couldn't see very clearly in those early days what these older women were trying to show me. I think I see better now. wouldn't claim to see well, but I do see better now, and I feel some regret at my youthful ignorance, you know, my youthful blindness. Suzuki Roshi says that the Bodhisattva way is called the single-minded way, or one railway track a thousand miles long. A railroad track a thousand miles long. The track that we run along is always the same. If it got wider or narrower, we would have a lot of trouble. It would be a disaster, he says. Wherever we go and whatever we do, the track is always the same. And then he says, that is the bodhisattva's way. So even if the sun were to rise from the west, the bodhisattva has only one way.

[20:59]

The bodhisattva way is in each moment to express their nature and their sincerity. So sincerity itself is the track. And even though the sites that we see and the things that we do are always changing, we always run on the same track. There's no goal up ahead. There's no starting point. There's no ending point. And there's nothing to attain. You're just riding the train, you know. And just to run on the track is our way. This is the nature of our Zen practice. So toward the end of his talk, he warns us about not trying to look at the track. We're not supposed to look at our sincere effort or gain some pride in our understanding. If we do so, we're going to get dizzy. All we need to do is appreciate the sights from the train as we move along. He says on our behalf, how is it possible for the Bodhisattva to always be the same?

[22:00]

What is their secret? And he said, there is no secret. Everyone has the same nature as the railway track. we're all endowed with the same nature, the same capacity for sincere effort. And he ends his talk with a story about two good friends called Kokei and Hofuku, who I'm gonna read that story to you now. There were two good friends, Chokei and Hofuku, and they were talking about the Bodhisattva's way. Chokei says, even if the Arhat, an enlightened one, were to have evil desires, still the Tathagata, the Buddha, does not have two kinds of words. I say that the Tathagata has words but no dualistic words. Ho Fuku said, even though you say so, your comment is not perfect.

[23:02]

Choke asks, what is your understanding of the Tathagata's words? Hofuku says, we have had enough discussion, let's have a cup of tea. Hofuku did not give his friend an answer because it is impossible to give a verbal interpretation of our way. Nevertheless, as a part of their practice, these two good friends discussed the Bodhisattva's way, even though they did not expect to find some new interpretation. So, Ho Fuku answered, our discussion is over, let's have a cup of tea. So that's a very good answer, isn't it? It's the same for my talk. When my talk is over, your listening is over. There is no need to remember what I say. There is no need to understand what I say. You understand. You have full understanding within yourself. There is no problem.

[24:06]

That's Suzuki Roshi. He had a lot of confidence in us in those years. So again, I really enjoyed last week having you all join in. And I think I'm going to be doing that more. I'd really like you to, as I said to you last time, help me and let's have a conversation together. And what I enjoyed so much this morning was listening to the people share their thoughts and understandings. So How about you? How about your thinking about the Bodhisattva as only having a single way? No matter what the sun rises in the east or the west, the Bodhisattva has a single way. So please, please come along and let's take that ride together right now. I see a name. I see a hand. I see two of them. Karina, are you going to help me here?

[25:11]

I think Cynthia. There she is. Ike, Cynthia Hager. Hi, Cynthia. Nice to see you again. It's nice to see you again, Fu. So I'm thinking, I know there's, this is, I suppose, dualistic, but there are two lives that I'm living. One is the life of this kind of study. I've got my books and I'm reading and I'm very back into practice. Great. But it's early. That's good to be in his mind. But then there's the other life. And I'm trying to see how the two can, how I can, if there's just one track, if, let me see, what was it that started this off? Even if the sun were to rise from the west, the Bodhisattva has only one way. I get overwhelmed when I leave my Buddhist thoughts and study and I head out into the other world.

[26:20]

It's nuts. Did you say nuts? It's really nuts. It's nuts. Huh? It's nuts? It's nuts. Yeah. Well, I mean, what I'm pointing to is like, we're nuts. Well, yeah. We get nuts when we have the confusion of things happening that we don't feel like we can calm down or control or engage with in a way that feels like the Bodhisattva practice, right? So you feel disturbed. Yes. Yeah. Okay, so I'm thinking about the Buddha, and I'm thinking of him walking through maybe one Tuesday of last week. 20 kids at my school decide to just beat the shit out of each other in pairs. Ambulances are there. The teachers blame the administration. The adults don't know what to do. The kids didn't know what to do. And I'm thinking, and I'm going to practice.

[27:25]

And what would that look like? And what would the Buddha do? What does the Bodhisattva do? What did you do? I took two boys who were brought up to my room because they were scared. They didn't want to be where they were. They wanted a safe place. They came to me. And so while I wasn't in the fray, we were all in the fray. But do you see what I mean? I do. And I hear what you did. And I think that's the kind of thing the Buddha did. He tried to make safety. for the people where he could. And he couldn't control the violence in the world. You can't, I can't. I wish we could. But we try to offer safety. Green culture has been a safety place, as you know, for many, many, many people. And sitting zazen is a safety place. And, you know, finding your breath is a safety place. So, you know, why?

[28:26]

Because it's not safe. It's not safe. And, and people are really in turmoil, beginningless greed, hate and delusion. You know, Buddha had the same world we have, right? Same anger, same frustration, same violence. Weapons have gotten stronger and violent, you know, that we know that's the case, we're much better at doing damage than we used to be. But, you know, we're in the same species, it's having this internal and external struggle with how to find safety and peace in this world, which I think we, I don't know, I wouldn't say we all wish for, but maybe so, maybe we all wish for that. And your job and my job is to try and facilitate in any way we can, bringing that harmony and peace to this world. And, you know, maybe the aftermath of what happened on Tuesday was conversations, you know, responses, consequences, You don't get to do that and have no consequence.

[29:28]

Yeah. Yeah. So there were grownups in the situation and they are going to take charge of consequences. And the other kids are going to learn something from how you handle it. They're going to look at you. Cynthia, how are you handling this emotionally? How are you going through this horrible thing that we all shared? Yeah. What can you say to us that would make us feel like you have some understanding that we don't have? Yeah. I'm going to think about that. Would you? Yes, because I know you do, and you will. Now, there was something I saw, I remember from Tassajara, in the kitchen. Do you remember what it said? There was a sign over the sink. And it said, wash the dishes as if you were washing your own eyes. People at Tassajara are very quiet. There was all this time for reflection. I could wash the dishes as if I were washing my own eyes.

[30:29]

But the real world is you're washing the dishes as if you're washing your own eyes. And there's water balloons and people throwing pots and pans. And it's just Delulu. It's Delulu. But that's where we go to work. We don't go to work in the Zendo. I don't go to work in the Zendo. I go to work. recover you know i got to recover from the news i got to recover from my own anxiety and so on i need that salve i need the medicine for what's ailing me and and i know that if i'm healthy i'm going to be much better at dealing with someone else who's really hysterical or afraid or angry or whatever i'll do a better job And if I'm hysterical, like I often say to people, you don't want a fireman, the fireman to show up at your house hysterical. Oh, my God, there's a fire. You know, they are drained. There's a quote I really like. Bruce Lee, you remember Bruce Lee?

[31:31]

Yeah, he said, we do not rise to the occasion. We fall to the level of our training. Hmm. So if we're trained, if we're trained to be emergency room doctors or firemen or teachers in a place where there's a volatility, that age group is volatile, your training is what's going to come forward. Your Buddhist training. Then I need more. I need something. Yes, you do. That's why you're back. That's why you're back. And I do a good job. I know the kids feel that there's a lot of confidence there, but it's still, it's like... Can I just go and wash the dishes like they were my own eyes? The minute people start to talk and say things, no wonder it's such a peaceful place. No one's supposed to say anything. They open their mouth and then it's all this like cuckoo. To Lulu. To Lulu. But, you know, we don't want to abandon the suffering beings. Our vow is not to do that.

[32:35]

It's our vow to be there, you know, to face it. Not to get burned. Your vow is not to get hurt. That's not your vow. It's to stay safe and provide safety. We got some work to do. Yes, my dear. Thank you for taking care of those kids. Yes. My job. That's right. And I love it. Hi. Hi, Echo. Nice to see you. I'd like to apologize. I am late today, tonight. I just... Well, the work ended a little bit later than usual. So earlier you talked about...

[33:35]

being grateful. I sometimes, well, I used to think that being grateful, us, me being grateful is like some people will be grateful like Thank God. Praise the Lord. Count my blessings. In bad, especially when times bad, I, you know, well, count my blessings. I think about all the good things that things could have been worse. And well, it's just, you know, with... separate, different from Christianity, just my gratefulness does not have a very clear object.

[34:42]

And there's nobody that I am specifically grateful to. Unless I go into the specifics like, oh, somebody prepared this for me. Somebody took care of that problem for me. Then yes, I'm grateful for that person or that situation or that group of people. But generally there's... feeling of, well, everything works. And I'm happy. And I'm grateful for that. And also, when I help other people and the people who receive help, There's some exchange. I don't.

[35:48]

It's very hard for me to. I don't know how to describe it. There's some exchange or I do something or I said something. Including I say that's OK. I'll take care of it. It's your fault, but I'll take care of it. Including exchange like that. Or, you know, something was done, you know, I hand you a thing that you don't need to, you know, I hand you a thing with my hands. So I helped you. And the conventional wisdom is that you should be grateful. Maybe you are, but I also help, I also feel gratitude, like not, you know, Not at the receiving end, but it's like... So what you just said, it's a privilege to be needed. I guess it feels like maybe something clicks there.

[36:57]

I'm not sure. So, well, living in a human community, living in a human society, even during COVID when we were locked down, we were trying to, you know, have connections with people, not touching, but... Living in a human community is... keep on making exchange with other people. Then we can extend that into making an exchange with other beings like me go hiking along in the woods. I encounter trees and animals and water and whatnot, squash bugs while I walk on them.

[38:03]

There's this immense I don't know, this nice warm feeling. I don't know if that's gratitude. I don't think you need to know. I think I like the word feeling. The feeling is sort of a different category than knowing something. I feel something seeing you sitting there in that snowfield, even though I know it's probably not a real snowfield and you're not dressed for it. But I feel something. It touches me to see those beautiful trees and the snow. So we don't really know what's going on exactly, but we feel it. We feel the world. That's something I understand about our practice, is to feel our way into the world. That response, giving and receiving is like one word. You give, I receive is one word. And we talk about that in our meal practice, like giver, receiver, and gift.

[39:14]

There's just empty of being separate. You give, and I receive, and there's the food that we share, and it's just one word. It's just like two hands coming together like that. So we don't have to know that or understand it. I mean, we talk about it a lot. But it's just the way it is. And the more we open ourselves to the exchange, the air and the animals and the other people and so on. There's a lot of, I like that word love. There's a lot of love in it. There's a lot of love that we can feel, you know. Even that word doesn't, you know, we don't need the word, but the feeling of it, of gratitude and of appreciation. So that seems like an awful lot. And a lot of people have a hard time finding that feeling. And I think that's very sad. So if you find that feeling, I think that's a very wonderful thing.

[40:16]

Thank you, Echo. Thank you. Thank you for that wonderful talk and hello Sangha. I had the great joy of being able to watch the film yesterday and listen to yours and Grace's comments after the movie and I've been sort of gestating a question I guess since then and coming on the heels of that talk I'm, I guess, wanting to ask the question how you came to a place where you had such certainty about the gift that you wanted to give to Grace in being present as her primary caregiver in the way that you were, it seems.

[41:31]

You talked about it a little bit in the film of this metallic sense of devotion to your study and this, you know, I guess, expanded you to be able to handle both. And I'm so curious about was there certainty and what role did joy play in your decision making? How did you sense? How did you feel into that question? It's such an extraordinary decision to have made, and I feel very lucky that I get to talk to you about it. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Well, I have to reflect back a little bit to that time. That was a while ago now, 2008, when I got the phone call that there had been an accident. And I had no idea what that meant.

[42:33]

I thought she had a little fender bender, maybe. It turns out there was a helicopter involved and two ambulances, one for my daughter, one for the dog. And I think I went into shock. I remember being driven to the hospital in Walnut Creek, but I just remember looking at cars. I had no way to think. I had no idea what I was going to find. And I can only say, really honestly, that the fact that I'd been able to practice for so many years before the baby, before the accident. Sabrina was about to go into high school, so we'd already been practicing as a family. I already had this little baby, and she'd gotten bigger and was doing pretty well. So all in all, there was some kind of success. And all of a sudden, it was like, whack! I remember I wrote in my day timer, those days I didn't have a computer, but on that date in May, I wrote collision.

[43:40]

And then after that it was blank. So I was asked, what commitment can you make? One of her friends was an attorney and they needed to do legal work. I didn't have power of attorney. You know, as an attorney, there's all kinds of stuff that has to happen. I needed to be able to sign permission for surgery, which I went ahead and did, even though I didn't have the power of attorney because somebody had to sign it so she could get operated on her. So all of that was just coming at me really fast. And I had just one choice, which I think this chapter is really great. It's like the Bodhisattva path, somebody says to me, Grace is so lucky to have you. I said, no, no, no. Grace was so lucky I'd taken vows. And I'm not kidding. I had taken vows. I promised to live for the benefit of others. And here's another. I promised I'd do that. So there was just like there was no out.

[44:44]

Can I get out of this? Of course I couldn't get out of it. This is your job now. This is your new assignment. And you're going to do this. And I did limit it. I said, well, I'll give it five years. I just made that up. Sabrina was starting high school. I figured by the end of that five years, she'd be in college. And I don't know how Grace would be. She was in a coma when I said that. So I think a lot of it was just continuing my commitment to my family, to my daughter, and to her other mother. And I think that... all of us will find ourselves in that situation at some time. If we love other people, things will happen. And if it happens to us, let's hope there's somebody loves us that's willing to hang in there through some pretty awful stuff. So it wasn't really a choice. It was really a learning. I had to learn a lot of new skills like balancing a checkbook, taking care of finances,

[45:46]

getting Sabrina's HIV status, I didn't know anything about her medicines or anything else because Grace knew all of it. She was a doctor. We'd go into the hospital, she'd go through the chart, it was about that thick, and she'd talk to the doctors in mumbo jumbo, and I'd sit there with the baby and, you know, read a book or something, read a sutra. So really, all of a sudden, like I said in the film, adulthood was dumped on me. I didn't choose it, it was just like, you're gonna grow up now. You're gonna grow up and be responsible. And like you've never been, I never wanted to be. So I can say I'm grateful for that having happened to me because I think I would have tried to escape, stay in the monastic paradigm. Really kind of seek my way out. So I'm... I'm not sorry in any way. I'm not at all sorry. I'm deeply grateful to the baby who became a young woman and to Grace, who's a magician.

[46:51]

She's a magician. If I ever complain about anything ever again, I'm going to remember that movie. That's what a lot of people say. Just think of Grace. You stub your toe or you break your arm. Just think of Grace. I know. It's true. Yeah. Speaking of gratitude. Oh, thank you. So many more questions, but I want to see the floor. Thank you for that. Thank you. It was so wonderful to have you there. And thank you for coming. Hi. Hi. Hi. How are you? Thank you for the wonderful, wonderful talk. And I love that section of this book. You read the whole thing and it's all underlined in my book. And I was thinking also, it really, it sort of made me laugh when I was rereading, whatever you do, it should be an expression of some deep activity.

[48:04]

We should appreciate what we are doing. There is no preparation for something else. And it reminded me of my ballet teacher's bumper sticker, which said, life is not a rehearsal. Yeah. It's hard to remember, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. To be present all the time in your life. Yeah. Wow. I mean, it keeps you busy. On your toes. Yeah. And the other thing I was going to say about how do we feel about one track? And I feel great about it. I find it very comforting because it's such a gentle track that

[49:07]

I don't have to worry that I'm going to hurt somebody else with that kind of do it one way thing. But I think of the one track really is Zazen. And that's a track, but it doesn't really go anywhere physically. It's a monorail. Yeah, like Disneyland. It just goes around. Yeah. Yeah. We're lucky. Yeah, I love that it's one track. And I like that he says, that track is sincerity. It's your sincerity. I thought, oh, that's so helpful. Really, it's true. I was... appreciating that as well, that idea of when you really are giving yourself to something, there's this great sincerity of trying and being fully present for it.

[50:30]

That's what I love about the new students, you know, when they come in for the first time serving in the Zendo and they're just shaking and spilling soup all over everything in there. They're so sincere. It's painful to how sincere they are, you know. It's like, it's okay. Slow down. It'll be fine. But it's so touching that they really try and they really care. And they may never feel that way again, you know. So you kind of get used to things after a while, you know. Yeah. Yeah, so that was my feeling of one track in that it doesn't make me feel rebellious or that I'm entitled to more choices than one track. Yeah. And we all have it. We all have one. And we all, you know, it's precious.

[51:32]

It's precious. The only sadness is if you miss it, you miss noticing. You know, it's like, ooh. So it's good to have these reminders. Yeah. And I just love the idea of sincere effort. I mean, you're fully present in sincere effort. Thank you. Hi, Fernando, and welcome back. I can't really see you, but I see your name. Are you muted?

[52:36]

Fernando, I think your microphone might not be connected. So if you click in the little arrow by the microphone, you can select a microphone. Then maybe select it on your laptop or... That might be what's going on, because you are unmuted. There we go. There you go. Fernando, I can't really understand you. There's something garbled. in your transmission. Could you try again? Say something again? Is it better now? A little bit. I heard you say, is it better now? So that's good. It must be. Yeah, I want to say it's good to see you today. And thank you.

[53:46]

And good to see everyone. Do you understand me so far? Yes, yes, good. Okay. I had a... a brief comment on an echo and a question for you of what he was saying. I remember watching a TV show where there were two scientists reasoning out the universe and they concluded that there wasn't any God or anyone to talk to out there. So... And so at the end of the program, there was a sunset and the two scientists said that sometimes they feel very grateful for many things, but they don't know to whom they're grateful to. Yes.

[54:47]

And so... I try to relate it to them that I don't know with whom am I grateful to. And so recently I lost my U.S. visa and it was lost like a day before I tried to go into the U.S. and someone on the internet found it and advertised it on Facebook and my friend saw the advertisement and he called me and then I got in touch with them and I got it back and I was deeply grateful for that because it's very difficult to get it if you lose it or especially right now and so

[55:51]

I was telling this to a friend that I was very grateful that I got back and how relieved I was. And so what he told me was that... So I was thinking, I don't know who am I... Of course I was grateful to this man, but in a way I was grateful. And at the same time, what he told me was... You're grateful. What you can do is do something good for someone else. So that's how I would redirect my gratefulness. I mean, I tried to pay the man, but he refused, of course, because I was really indebted to him, but he refused. He was a good man. And so that's what my friend told me, do something to do with someone else.

[56:56]

That's really lovely. You can just do that all the time. We can all do that all the time. Wouldn't that be the best? We just all keep being kind to each other and helping each other. And, you know, that's kind of the idea of when it's all working well, well, that's, but it's going to be like that. And also, um, I was listening to you when you said that love... I didn't understand very well. That love is not... We seldom hear about love. I guess it was in Buddhism. I don't remember very well. In Buddhism, yeah. That word doesn't show up too much. Yes. And I... I noticed this and I looked it up some time ago and what I found, the ideas that were in there on the internet was that Buddhism sees love in a different way which is more about the concern for others

[58:20]

compassion and having the the intent to help others and caring for others and i don't know i just wanted to ask you what what you can tell me about this about this problem yeah i think that's right i think that what you saw and what you feel it's like how do you when you use the word love you know what what is that about for you you know is it about everybody or just one person. Some people just don't love so many people. Most people they don't love. So there's a kind of feeling of a universal that I just love people. I used to say to my therapist, you know, I really love people, but sometimes I have a really hard time with certain people. And he said, well, they just need a little extra grace from me. You know, and I thought, oh, like that, that it's not that I can't love them. It's just that I need to keep working that I need to keep working my my empathy, my compassion, my understanding, so that I don't shut down.

[59:23]

Because that's then I'm shutting down my own heart. So the more you open your own heart to others, the wider it gets, you know, there's something that becomes very, it's like the trees and the flowers and the water and so everywhere you look, there's this kind of feeling of what i'm what we're talking about which is a lot of love and it's not just about people you know just to be alive is just amazing and uh to love your life yes and not necessarily not [...] only the romantic kind of love but there is this uh very pure love that is a very good feeling that you can you can just feel and a lot of good action comes out of it and your attitude, everything. That's why I was looking for this later in that day, but yeah.

[60:25]

Yeah. The Dalai Lama said that our religion is kindness. I think that's pretty good. Just to be kind. That's a lot. You know, if we can do that, It just blows back immediately when you're being kind. Kindness becomes who you are. He's a very kind person. We like to be around people who are kind. So then we could be people who are kind. Thank you, Fernando. So thank you for keeping this space for us. So my question is, it's thinking about how understanding develops and how our views change with practice.

[61:37]

And when you were talking about what you had written a while back, you sort of, there was, in the way you phrased it, there was a sort of implication that you might see it differently now. Did I, was I reading too much in? And I'm curious about how that would have, you know, if I was reading it right, how that changed. Well, it was kind of an assumption that if I were to ask to write something about that koan now, it wouldn't be that what I wrote then. Right. Of course, right? It would be something entirely different. Whatever was sparked, whatever got stimulated would be quite a different essay. So I was interested in looking back on that girl, that woman, you know? What was, you know, and I was, I hate to, it's a little embarrassing to say, but I was a little proud of her. I thought that wasn't bad. You know, I think for the place I was in my life and in my practice and a lot of bad stuff hadn't happened yet.

[62:45]

You know, I was still kind of cruising along a lot. I don't think Grace's accident happened yet. And so, you know, I, I, I feel as we get older, there's just more texture. more grit maybe that starts to get included and um yeah so but i'd have to take on the challenge of writing it again in order to see like well how has my perspective changed what is it that's either gotten harder or softer in how i think of other people a lot of the people in the meeting this morning were a little critical of jiaojo they were like Oh, that guy, he should have, you know, she should have hit him harder or something like that. They really were, you know, like feeling like, you know, who does he think he was and so on and so forth. So I thought, oh, this is really, there's this kind of stimulation of feeling like you're part of a gang, you know, and it's us against them. And I didn't resonate with that then, and I don't resonate with that now, even though I understand it.

[63:49]

I understand how it hurt. hurt we've all been and how hurt everyone is who's been in any way oppressed by any reason or anybody or any system of thinking or, you know. So, yeah, it's a good question, but I really don't have a very good answer. You do that to me a lot, you know. Well, you know, I guess that's just... I don't want to use the negative payback in kind, but it is a return of a favor. It's a return of a favor. How's that? Okay. Tit for tat. No, it's a return of a favor. Oh, okay. It's a return to serve like Nadal. Yeah. Well, thank you, Lisa. Well hit. Thank you, Phu-san. Hi, Michael.

[65:01]

Hello, Phu. Hello, Sangha. You know, I've really come to look forward to this time, Sunday, when we get together. and you share the wisdom of Dharma. And when you expound the Dharma, it would almost make this question I'm about to ask, but in light of this teaching, what is it? Chokai and Hokufu? Yeah. Seems... Like it gets right to the crux of one of these great Zen paradox. So the question was, how do you understand the words of the Tatakata?

[66:06]

And the response is, well, I think it's time we have a cup of tea. Exactly. The implication being that there are no words. And yet, look at that stack of books behind you. They're about to fall over, aren't they? No. Yeah, I know. That's kind of love, isn't it? We love the Dharma. I love reading it and hearing it and talking about it. And I'm so grateful for the Dharma finding me. I was lost in the dark. I just really was, as many are, I just felt very confused about life and how to be a person, how to be a good person and not just an okay person.

[67:09]

So it was really, I'm just so grateful for... getting trapped. I used to think, yeah, they sent out this golden net to catch us. I wasn't looking for it. I didn't know what to look for. But it just came to my life. And I guess I was smart enough at least to recognize what a good deal it was. And it was mostly the people I saw. I saw those really young, sincere Zen students back in the early 70s. And I just couldn't believe it. I thought, who are those people? I want to be with them. I think that's my tribe. And I was right. And that tribe, I hope, will get bigger and bigger and bigger until everyone's included. That's certainly the prayer. So when we hear the teachings that there is nothing to attain, how should we receive that?

[68:13]

It just doesn't seem true to me. Well, it's more like, show it to me. What have you got? You know, I know I got something. I know I got a treasure, you know, that, that, that story of the guy who's got this, the, the, uh, jewel in his sleeve and he doesn't know he has it in the Lotus Sutra. And he's, he's just thinks he's poor and he has the jewel of the Dharma. in his sleeve. And until he realizes, somebody points it out to him, you know what's in your sleeve? You know? And then all of a sudden, he's a rich man. It's not rich in that kind of way that our culture keeps going on and on about. It's rich in that heartfelt way. Yeah. And I think that's the most that anyone has ever given. That's the greatest gift, to have that, to be touched, you know, right here. Mm-hmm. I have to say, I shared something earlier.

[69:18]

It was a regret that is similar to something I often feel as I move into my 70s. I have a stack of books just like that in my room here. And many of them I've read several times. And you go through and you see where you've highlighted everything years ago. And I'll bump into a line in the sutra that I'm going, now, wait a minute. How much time did I spend studying this? And yet, I don't seem to really grasp the, I don't have a firm understanding. So, after all these years, I'm not sure if I'm really... Nothing to attain, Michael. The wish to know, the wish, you know, to, like they say, not knowing is most intimate.

[70:23]

Not knowing is nearest. It's the not knowing that's vast. The knowing is, it's just like a thread that runs through your head and it's like in one ear and out the other, as they say. You know, I've read all those books, you know, and I'm like, like I've never read them. I like them when I'm reading them. It's like an ear of corn, you know. Oh, this is good. You know, but if you ask me what it was, I go, I don't remember. I don't remember. So I go over things a lot, you know, and a little bit sticks. Sometimes I can come up with something that, but mostly it's just the journey, the track, being on the track of sincerity. That's really what Suzuki Roshi keeps telling us, you know, it's your sincerity that is the magic. You got that? I bet you do. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hey, Australia.

[71:30]

How are you down under? Getting pretty cool, but the ocean is lovely. Oh my God, so weird. Summer's coming and autumn's coming for you and summer's coming for us. It's a wonderful expansion of our awareness, isn't it? So now it's the season of autumn flowers and fruit. I lifted up my hand to thank you, Fu, for this time of greater conversation amongst us all. I suppose to check out with you because I find that I'm very moved by the conversations that happen between you and us, one by one, and it reminds me of these conversations that we read about in our beloved books, like the conversation between Cho Ke and Ho Fuku, these two good friends discussing the Dharma,

[72:44]

And it seems that that's what we do here. Yes. That the Dharma unfolds through these conversations for me anyway. So saying that I'm deeply moved by these conversations, I find the desire to speak to us for instance uh i was very very moved by fernando's uh conversation with us and the fact that oh gosh i've forgotten your other name now that it's cackle um helping helping uh the the with the microphone and everything. That, for me, was a time of the group really coming together, that we are becoming a kind of family, really, with comings and goings and everything.

[73:59]

But I was so moved by Fernando's story of graciousness, of finding the visa and reconnecting and insisting on no payment. And it was such a, such a gracious story. And wondering about kind of paying it forward. Well, it's done, Fernando. The gracious story of this unknown kind man has deeply touched a heart a world away that's all just um yeah yeah that's it thank you so much thank you so much you're not a world away to me you're right here yes it's the it's the business of connection and it seems to me sometimes that that that's it

[75:09]

Is that it? That's it? Is that it? You know, it's the connection of the Buddha with the morning star. And I was at one of those hidden lamp discussions yesterday and the story was with Kaesan and a nun and Kezan said to the nun in the story, well, what is your understanding? Same question. What is your understanding? And the nun bowed and therefore Kezan gave her the rope. So it seems to me that it's that unspoken and unspeakable connection between between Kezan and the nun in that context, that's it.

[76:14]

Is that it? That's it. That's it. And when Fernando... She showed it. She showed it. She didn't say it, she showed it with her whole body. So there's that gesture, that gesture of appreciation and respect, which is why I love the ritual part of Zen. You know, our whole body, you can use your whole body to say thank you. You don't say thank you. You know, that's okay. But wow, when you go all the way to the ground. Well, see, I don't do bowing because I don't have anyone who would be weird. How about that tree outside that you told us? Oh, for sure. Yes, for sure. It seems to me that it was the connection of those two. There was no separation.

[77:15]

There wasn't a teacher and a student. There wasn't even a question and a bow. It was no separation. Don't you reckon? I reckon. I'm with you, girl. So thank you and thank you from me, for everyone, for bringing forward these conversations. They are such a connection. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, you guys, I don't know, I can't tell you enough how wonderful it is to be with you all. Tomorrow in Helzberg, there will be lots of sun. Alexa, stop. I didn't say Alexa, did I? She is really bothering me. Lots of sun. Lots of sun in Helzberg.

[78:18]

There you go. Now you all know what the future has in store for us. Well, it's lovely to have you all together again, and I look forward to seeing you. Now next week is the funeral. for Caroline Meister, the young woman who died at Tassara. Very sad. We're all very sad. And I heard there was a beautiful funeral back east in her home with the Catholic church where she grew up. And it was amazing. A couple of our folks went out and joined them in celebrating her life. And her father wrote the most amazing poem to his daughter. So we will be doing the same here at Green Gulch. next Sunday. So I will miss seeing you, but I will be back the following week. So please take care. And if you'd like to unmute. Yes. Will that be, I read that that might be live streamed. Do you know? It might be.

[79:18]

You may probably check the website about that. I don't know. I wouldn't want to say yes. Cause I don't know. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Our Carolyn. Caroline, I keep saying our Caroline. Our Caroline, we were, Lisa and I, we were a little team there at Tassahara. She was my Jisha and Lisa was my Anja and it was a joy beyond. Yeah, anyway. Okay, you all be well. Take care, be well. Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you, everyone. Hi, everybody. Hi. Good morning. Thank you, everybody. Good morning. Good morning from Singapore. Good tomorrow. Good tomorrow. Good today. Every day. Every day is a good day. World round.

[80:12]

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