Pull this off so I can see you a little better. There's an appropriate phrase, at least for those of us who are staying here, an appropriate paragraph from Dogen. Long ago, a monk asked an old master, some of you know this, when hundreds, thousands, or myriad of objects all come at once, what should be done? Does that sound like a familiar situation? And those of you who are leaving, I suppose it's even worse, actually. Soon, when hundreds, thousands, or myriads of objects come all at once, what should be done? Oh, Scott, you just heard me talk about this last week.

[01:03]

It'll be different this time. The Master replied, don't try to control them. What he means is that in whatever way objects come, do not try to change them. Whatever comes is the Buddha Dharma, not objects at all. Do not understand, excuse me, Do not understand the Master's reply as merely a brilliant admonition, but realize that it is the truth. Even if you try to control what comes, it cannot be controlled. Yeah, right, try it. That's the point, really. If we don't believe it, you know, Buddha was never trying, Buddha and Buddhism and... Xan and me, certainly, are not trying to convince you of anything except to try it.

[02:07]

So go ahead, try to control them. Maybe you already have been. So when hundreds, thousands, myriad of objects come all at once, What should we do? Don't try to control them. But then what? So simple, it seems almost like he's making fun of us or something. Don't try to control them, but what? And what if those hundreds, thousands, myriads of objects are internal as well as external. So that makes me think of another very famous Dogen phrase, which is, to study Buddhism is to study the self.

[03:17]

And I was thinking about that today and wondering, what does study mean? What does study the self mean? mean actually. So these are some of my thoughts about that. Again, is it true? I don't know. Study, I think study does not mean tear apart in some way. you know mentally or emotionally like get the self and kind of take it apart I don't think it means get it into shape get the self and make it appropriate you know make it good make it match some ideal

[04:26]

that we probably each of us have for our self. Some either pretty worked out ideal or some vague ideal that we just know we aren't living up to. So I don't think study means, you know, get it in the mold somehow. I don't think it means get a hold of it in any way, actually. You know, like figure out where it is and sort of keep your mind on it. You might think that's what it is, like keep your mind on it. I do think it has something to do with getting more settled in the vicinity of the self. having our mind and body be somewhat comfortable with each other, even if it isn't really comfortable, even if it's uncomfortable to be that way, but some comfort of our mind staying close to our body.

[05:49]

You know, the next phrase, and that is to study... To study Buddhism is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be actualized or awakened or realized by myriad things. So when I was thinking about this earlier today, I thought often when I'm walking around Tassajara, especially at this time of year maybe, just as the the nice, wonderful work period where many people come to help us get ready, and it seems like so much is getting done. And then suddenly, it's like there's only this many days, some number of days, until the guests are going to arrive. And suddenly it seems like there's so much to do. All that that got done was just making a bigger mess. And now all the pieces are lying around and need to be put back. And we still don't know how to do our, you know, almost everyone's going to be in a new job and nobody knows how to do that new job yet because it hasn't happened yet.

[07:03]

So, you know, there's a lot of anxiety starts to rise. So when I'm walking around Tassajara, maybe all the time, but maybe particularly at this time of year, I'm not, often I am not consciously studying the self. I am thinking about the myriad things. Your transportation, of course. Your housing. So I'm thinking about whatever those myriad things are. And so is that the same as, what was it, being actualized by the myriad things? Is that the same thinking about the myriad things that comes from studying the self? and then forgetting the self, and then being actualized by myriad things? I don't know. Maybe. I think that when one of the things that has happened in this body and mind is that if I get uncomfortable, like if something gets painful over here,

[08:21]

then I notice it. Maybe you do too, if something gets painful over there. And it reminds me, oh yeah, wasn't there something that could be done about this pain? And something like studying the self happens then more consciously. okay here's this pain here's this anxiety let's say you know this nervousness this tightening in the pit of my stomach and some studying can go there you know and that studying is not so much or at least a helpful study I don't find it so helpful to study it by again trying to tear it apart or you know like what is this what's making me upset taking that apart like that and sometimes that leads to maybe even often that leads to trying to find who's to blame for it like what's make what is causing this what's the problem here oh yeah that person was really upset when they talked to me and I absorbed their energy and

[09:46]

wish they would just calm down you know or that person i was was really upset when they talked to me and i took it on i didn't meet it with enough equanimity right so that's a kind of normal response to the kind of taking it up studying it by trying to get to the bottom of it i think a more helpful studying um is a kind of attention still attention but something well for one thing more accepting of it being there you know not because I getting to the bottom of it what what happened what's wrong I think often the the background question there is how do I get rid of it this is the wrong way to feel it hurts shouldn't be happening how do i find out what it is and get rid of it so not that instead a kind of acceptance of this has happened not and um yeah acceptance that this has happened and um you know as as the hundred myriad hundred thousand myriad things an acceptance of it as buddha dharma an acceptance of it as

[11:15]

what has arisen from the wide situation, and an acceptance of the possibility of learning from it, of the possibility of freedom coming from it. And that freedom not necessarily being getting rid of it, that freedom being whatever it develops into. pretty unknown, actually. What is it going to develop into? Is that anxiety going to develop into an ulcer? Is it going to develop into my talking to somebody, either in a calm or in an upset way? Is it going to develop into total enlightenment? So some acceptance, attention, interest you know, actual interest in this state that has happened. So I think that's the kind of studying that is beneficial, leads to more freedom, more happiness, actually, and more helpfulness.

[12:31]

Do you have anything to say yet? How does that studying connect with the bodhisattva vow? The bodhisattva vow of saving all beings? Or of that one? Yeah. Well, I think it's, you know, to take, so if, what I was talking about studying was some uncomfortable feeling. If we have an uncomfortable feeling, we don't meet it with that attitude. Like if we meet it with, pretty much any other attitude I think we can think of like, how do I get rid of this or any of those other things that I mentioned. I think they really block us from, so saving sentient beings is kind of a tricky phrase, but block us from helping other beings. We get very focused on

[13:41]

what's wrong with the situation, so it doesn't leave as much openness. Whereas this kind of studying of appreciation, to say appreciation is sometimes going a little far. If you're in a painful situation, maybe appreciation is stretching it a little bit. at least for the beginning, some interest, some curiosity, some acceptance and attention. I think that that really leaves us open to the whole situation, which is where other beings come in. They are the rest of the situation. Aren't objects at all? In the example you gave with anxiety, does that mean that freedom from anxiety is not having a sense of being separate from anxiety?

[14:54]

That sounds good. So freedom from anxiety might mean still having anxiety. there's not a sense of a permanent self having it like I am a anxious person. You know, there might be, I mean, we have a sense of self. I think as human beings, it's very rare not to have a sense of self. And it's hard to, if one goes into a state when one doesn't have a sense of self, which I think happens, it's hard to live a natural life. It's maybe a pleasant state, but it's not necessarily one that should be tried to be maintained i think so it's it's really fine to have a sense of self it's when we believe that it is what it appears to be it's like there is a me that i could get a hold of and keep in a certain way you know so so to what did you say so to have an anxious to be anxious to be experiencing anxiousness and be willing to be

[16:10]

the person who right now is experiencing anxiousness. It's very different than being the person who is anxious and really doesn't want to be that way, who thinks it's wrong to be that way, who thinks it's somebody's failure, either my own or somebody else's. It might just be like, you know, at this time of year at Tassajara there's a lot of anxiousness hanging around and somebody has to embody it. Why not you? So say it again. He uses the word object. Yes. Well, what I assume, you may be understanding it as well as I am, but what I was thinking he was saying is, yes, we tend to think of, like if things are coming at us, we tend to think that they're separate from us and that there would be some way that I could have a better life if they weren't.

[17:16]

If these things went away. And I think he's saying they aren't separate from us in that way. This is your life right now. Here's your life surrounding you and actually it has the potential to teach you freedom. That's what I think he's saying. They are Buddha Dharma. They're not just things that could be gotten rid of. They're your life. And it's the only place we could be free is right in the middle of our life. Yes? It sounds like you could say that you're having a sense of compassion for the situation, for the state, and that you enter into compassionate attitude towards how it goes. Yes. I think that's true.

[18:19]

I have a little skepticism about compassion sometimes, or saying enter into a compassionate state. Not that we don't, I think we do, but I think that we often try to create a compassionate state in a way that again turns out to be blaming toward ourselves for not feeling compassionate. So if we aren't feeling compassionate, myself, I think it's more it's a more effective way to get there is to start with where we actually are. Like if I'm feeling anxious, not compassionate, to open up to anxiousness. And from there, if we really open up to it, I think we will feel compassionate toward ourselves because this poor person is feeling anxious. And that we also will start to feel compassionate for the things around us. But if we... think I should feel compassionate.

[19:21]

We end up trying to put something, either put it on top of and squashing down the anxiety or just feeling like I'm a failure because I can't. Yeah, just, Marco. I was wondering if you would say something about how to practice with having great responsibility at the same time not trying to control. So, for example, you're in charge of cooking the dinner, and it's got to be done by this time. Yeah. You've got this great responsibility, but to also not try and control it. Or even worse, you're in charge of 15 people who are doing the prep for the dinner. Not try to control them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, thank you. Because it's tied to we can't just give up all responsibility. We do have... a body, a mind, we do do things. In fact, I've said this many times, but to not do something is to do something.

[20:28]

And that's a perfect example. If you're like the Fukutan or the guest cook or something and you're responsible for getting out the dinner and you go in and say, okay, I'm not trying to control. Do whatever you want. It's not fair. You can't play that way. Or you could, but then you're doing that. That's like not picking up your Dharma position, and it's doing something. It's not doing anything. So we have to play our part and do it the best you can. You can certainly ask people to do things. And it's interesting. It's one of the things I think Tassajara Summer is really good for. It's like any idea we might have about what not trying to control things might be is shoved to the side during the summer. It's like, no, you get the cabins cleaned. You make the grounds look nice. We say that. And we do.

[21:29]

And then things happen. So they don't do what you said, or they dig up the front lawn. It doesn't look nice anymore. Mark, the front lawn looks terrible. What's wrong with you? Then it's fair to say it was out of my control. and then you do what you can like you know eventually they put the dirt back you try to make the lawn look nice again the best you can and you know dinner hungry people are waiting out there you try to bring a dinner together which is a little different than getting tight about it we may and again this is talking about not just external objects but internal objects too which might mean the tightening around that they're not getting the dinner together in the way that I thought they would okay Can we allow, can we learn something from, can we respect in a way the tightness, the mistakes, the other people's idea that they insist on acting on?

[22:32]

Yeah, it is out of control. That's part of the scary thing about it. being a human being, I guess. Animals, too, are living in this out-of-control world, but they don't seem to mind as much, or they don't spend as much time worrying about it. Maybe they mind, but they don't seem to go into denial quite as quickly as we do. Do you want to say something else about your ideas of what to do at that point? Thank you. Into control or into Passivity, really, how to stay active. And for me, it's very helpful to remember, oh, I am active no matter what. To think that I shouldn't think anything, I shouldn't have any feelings about this, I shouldn't say anything. That's all active, too. There is no passive option, really, to choose that

[23:39]

and think I'm choosing letting go, when really I'm choosing passivity. Passivity is, you know, it's very controlling. It's trying to control things. So how to stay, you know, really with our energy flowing, even if it's flowing in a kind of tight, crimped way, just stay there with it, you know, to try to, in fact, that's really one of the best Buddha dharmas, is when we start to tighten, to notice. Oh, I'm tightening. It's maybe the best clue to when self-clinging is happening. Because what we tighten mostly around, I think, is an idea of me. Oh, they're going to think I'm not a good guest cook. I'm not a good head of the ground. So a little tightening comes in. So to notice that. And then if we can, release it. And if not, just keep our eyes on it. Susan. I see it a lot like swimming in a bit of a choppy, windy ocean.

[24:45]

And I've tried, if you pass it, you get all the salt water in your nose and your eyes, and it was nice. Then you swim like crazy, and you get very exhausted. One spot, but you're getting tighter and tighter. The more you swim, you get tighter. So the third day would be to become part of the water, sort of let go but still swim and be part of the ocean and have a great time. Good, that sounds good. Remember that, everybody. Yes, Josie. I wonder about this term, the backward step. Yes. It fits into studying self-doing, not doing, controlling all this in your life. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. you know like if if you notice that you're having anxiety you know and say your stomach is tight it's possible in fact one of the things in here says to bow formally and what's it say fall into the step into the realm of I'm not going to be able to find it of a great ease

[26:04]

to stumble into the realm of Grady's or something like that so it's a kind of taking a backward step so just like okay there's the anxiety sort of either bow to it or step back from it a little ways even though you know it's right there in your own body and in a way it's almost like making a little separation between your mind and the anxiety so in a way it's It's objectifying it. But I think this is related, you know, maybe you've heard in Zen there's this, first there were mountains, and then there were no mountains, and then there were mountains again. So I think it's kind of like that. It's like there's anxiety, then you step back and there's like a little, there's still anxiety, but I'm not it exactly. And then there's reabsorbing it and just being there with it again. So sometimes it's very useful, and I think it happens quite naturally if you're sitting zazen or something like zazen, some kind of meditation, that that little space happens.

[27:16]

It doesn't always happen exactly when we want it to. Sometimes we just get caught up in the situation, and it all seems too much, and there's no space from it. We don't even think of the fact that there might be space. But if you have the thought, you could like, oh, maybe I should sit down and try to focus on this. So it's partly taking the backward step, getting a little space from it. But in another way, it's just focusing on it instead of being totally caught up in it. And that gives us that same kind of space. Now I don't know how to go on, so if anyone else has anything they want to bring up. Yes. Yeah, that what should be is, or what shouldn't be.

[28:18]

Either one works very well. But often, if we say what shouldn't be, it's interesting to see, and again, sometimes it's quite vague. our idea of what should be. Either one, you know, either a really worked out idea of what should be or a vague idea of what should be. Both of them work quite well to keep us from engaging really with what's there. And in some ways, I think it's something we use to get away from what's there. You know, what is there is fairly frightening, actually. I mean, human life is You know, it's really a sad thing. It's, you know, we're going to die. It's messy. It's, you know, it comes to no good at the end in some way, you know, or it comes to pain anyway. It comes to pain. I don't know about no good. That wasn't quite right. But yeah, and the fact that it's out of control.

[29:23]

So we, we, and it's so unknown in a way. It's like we're, We are walking around in total darkness with a little tiny speck of light, which is called right now. You know, there's, well, for some of you, the past may still be, you know, you may remember the past. Some of us are losing track of the past. So that there's only, you know, there's going to be more. My mother-in-law were like, really, there's really only the present. She's just, you say. Oh, how do you feel about the fact that your sister went to the hospital this last week? What? What happened to Evelyn? Oh, yeah, she went to the hospital. Oh, really? Oh, no. Well, what do you think? You know, are you going to go see her? Go see who? So it's probably going that way for a number of us, where this little speck of light is like right... now, and really the future is that way, though we make such a complex story about the future that we think we know what it's going to be, should be, you know, on Friday the guests are coming, they'll be very happy, things like that, you know, so that really we don't know at all.

[30:38]

So I think there's, you know, in some ways some good reason why we spend a lot of our time building shoulds and shouldn'ts and things to get a little space from our true situation. But it really does complicate things. It makes it really hard to interact with the situation as it is now. And part of coming closer to the present is dealing with that fear. Fear of our true situation. So it's not a small thing that we've taken up in some ways quite innocently, not realizing that this is what we were going to have to deal with. Just thinking we wanted to get rid of some bad habits or something. Sometimes I get stuck by the, like where's the practice, I guess.

[31:48]

Like beings are numberless, but we vow to save them. So life isn't perfect. Well, it is perfect as it is, but we can't see it as perfect. Or perfect is different than we thought it would be. Yeah. So where's the practice? I think I was getting caught up by the... Where... You mean what to do? Yeah. I mean, be present, but it's so simple. Yeah. Well, and there's even simpler than that. Once I heard Kategori Roshi, I was at a... conference that he was giving with Taro Toku, Tibetan teacher, and he said, I'm sure he said this, he said it more than once and I was shocked, he said, only sit zazen and then just live your life.

[33:07]

So, you know, there are other practices, right, and other schools have other practices that they do, But this was what Kagari Roshi said about Soto Zen, which was Sit Zazen, live your life. And in some ways, that's, I think, the summer forces that on us. You know, it's like, you don't have time to, or sometimes anyway, you don't have time to think, oh, I'm going to put this fork down very mindfully. And now the knife, and they'll be just this far from the edge of the table. They do tell you, put it just this far from the edge of the table, but then they say, faster. We have to get this done in time for breakfast. Or that's just the feeling around it, even if nobody tells you directly that, no, you have to be out of the dish shack by the time they come with the guest dishes. The student dishes have to be done. There's not a lot of time for sitting and thinking, okay, how would I practice doing this?

[34:17]

You just do it. Just do it. And I think there's some real truth to that, that something happens in zazen that doesn't stay in zazen, that goes out in your body and mind. into life and makes some more of that perspective and also allows us, gives us the capacity to stay in the situation and therefore not fall into quite as many habitual protection mechanisms that we've built up over the years to protect us from the unknowing, the uncontrollableness. the dyingness, the damage to our sense of self, all those things that we have built up ways to avoid in some way that we quite naturally fall into habitually.

[35:30]

But when we have this capacity to stay in the situation and a little bit of perspective on it, sometimes we see that's what we're doing, either consciously or unconsciously, we see it, and it doesn't happen quite as much. So I don't know if that satisfies you or not. And then there are times when we're out walking around, or maybe even in Zazen, where we say, but let's say out walking around, or in the middle of a situation, hundreds of thousands of myriads of things are arising, and out of the blue we get this question, what would it be to practice right now? I mean, if you don't remember that, if that thought doesn't come out, fine. It doesn't come up, there's nothing you can do about it. But if it does come up, it might be a good idea just to have something that you would do at that point. I, at some point, just decided, okay, if that thought ever comes up, I'm just going to my stomach. Just sort of ground there and notice, is it tight, is it relaxed?

[36:33]

If it's tight, can I relax it? If I can't, just keep it in mind until the next thing happens. which is usually pretty fast. So that's a practice I would recommend. Sometimes it is contradictory with what you're saying. It might very well be. That's why I'm letting all of you ask questions. to completely be in the anxiety accepted as truth of being human. Yes. And yet that anxiety arose from some level of protection at some point.

[37:43]

Maybe. You know, I think just as kind of an animal body, we might have some kind of anxiety, and then we add our thoughts into it, our protection thoughts and feelings. So, yeah, I don't know where it really arose, or, you know, even which one we're talking about, but go ahead. So it came from somewhere. I think there is some contradiction between trying to create some space and trying to just kind of be absorbed by it.

[38:44]

At least in talking about it, there's some contradiction, but I don't know if there is in really doing it. And both of those are trying to do something, so already there might be, it's an idea that's happening. So I think the main thing to me is some kind of attitude of willingness to be with what's actually, be the person that we actually are right now. And then that, for those of us who are talking this way, sometimes there's trying to do one of those things. Yes, Michael. Can you hear Michael? Just a little bit later. In Niqua's question of this separation, in some cases, when you're talking about separating yourself a little bit from the anxiety, it's like just taking a step back.

[39:55]

I think this came from Josie's reference. But before, in the beginning of the talk, you were talking about don't make it into an object. Yes. think of yourself as separate from what's arising. Yeah. And so there's that tension there. Yes. And it's like so hard to see what the balance is when you think about it. But when you're in the middle of it, there's like a shutting down separation. And it's almost like a wider picture in some sense. I mean, you also said focus on it. Yeah, the words are tricky. I think you're right. If we take the backward step and focus on anxiety and the anxiety is right here, we don't usually start to think of it as separate from ourself. It's like, oh, there it is. It's right there. If we start thinking, it shouldn't be there, how do I get rid of it? We are already thinking of it as separate from ourself in some way. So yeah, the words are a little tricky.

[40:56]

I don't know, because sometimes when I do focus on it, the anxiety I do get the sense of it being kind of separate. There's more space, like bigger than just the body. Yes, go ahead. Just a minute, Heather. That you're bigger than the anxiety is part of it. Heather? Yeah, I guess for me, my experience is that if I can notice what's arising in the moment physically and pay attention to whatever stories or energies surround that, I mean, it's all energy.

[42:04]

And then noting and... identifying with what's arising. I mean, we are space. It's not like creating space. It's like just being in space. I mean, not even being in space. We are in space, and when emotions, especially strong ones, brought a lot of energy, brought a history to them, at least something they do. Those are the ones I get most caught by, the ones that have been around for a while. But I guess for me, not looking at it and relating to it from the space, as opposed to saying, you know, this is me, it's what's going on, and identifying with what's arising at the moment. It's just like, paying attention to it, but there is that, like there's this space around it, and it's, I don't know, Chuck Bericochet, you know, he just talks about, he just says things like, you know, it's just neurotic mind, and it's nothing to do with who we truly are, and like,

[43:06]

the more I pay attention to that, it just comes up and goes away more quickly without grasping. Like, I'm not in control of when it's triggered. And as long as I don't try to control it by making it going away or by grabbing onto it and making it some story about me or the other person, then it just sort of disappears. Eventually. Yeah. At some point. Yeah. Yeah, and exactly what its role is, we don't necessarily know. Sometimes it might be part of a disentangling of something. The neurotic mind comes up and tussles with itself for a while, sometimes as part of disentangling itself. When you think it's entangled, you get entangled.

[44:13]

And that's really helps me a lot because I'm often so analytical that in analysis, I just sort of spin around and around in it, and that's where the struggle arises to pay attention to it, seeing how it feels in the moment and not spinning some yarn around it. I mean, I'm not saying it's that easy, but just noticing, you know, that it seems to perpetuate the sensations. Yeah, it's one of the reasons why days off are often the hardest. Because on a regular day, you've got plenty to keep you sort of moving while this stuff works its way through. Then there's a day off. You can sit around with your tangled mind for hours, you know, trying to disentangle it. There is, however, our rooms, our laundry, lots of things to keep us busy on our day off. Yes? The easiest?

[45:18]

Well, a similar thing happens during the winter, really. You know, even though you're kind of sitting there with yourself, it's like the bell rings and it goes away and then it starts over again. So there's a similar way that in the winter that the day's off for some people. number of people the days off of the hardest also so yeah maybe the summer is the easiest kind of depends on what kind of ease you like I guess not right at this point that's true yeah that's true anything else by this.

[46:35]

So I was impressed by the story because here's a case where the couple immediately got with what was true. So that was a kind of example for me of being there, right there. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Thank you. Yes, Kathy. I was just thinking of the question about objects and anxiety and what was coming to mind in Mapo's comment on your question. And then what you said about separating ourselves and focusing on not being separate from it.

[47:39]

I think we have a shared word anxiety and some shared sense of being able to identify somebody as being anxious, whether it's ourselves or somebody else. But that word and even all of the attributes that we identify it by are actually not experience. all these other words, but if we're saying stepping back from it or focusing on it, it's all, none of it's the experience. And it's just the mind, I'm just noticing the mind has this sense of what is do get mean by an object is not an object. We want another concept. Yes, yes. So just, I guess I find it useful

[48:42]

than I can to, and it's hard. But the thing is, when you're in the situation sometimes and you're really anxious for something, it's like you said about death season, you know, it's kind of forced on you because you're so anxious. It's just there. You have to live with it, you know, live or not, you know, live or lay in bed, which is living in a different way. Be the mess that you are. Be the mess that you are, exactly. Be the mess. yes given yeah you can give it names other people can give it names but can I just go on and then it changes yeah and to or if you can't not hate it then can you do the same thing for the hate you know can we can actually get bigger and bigger and include everything eventually yeah yeah what does hate

[49:45]

mean exactly. How is that? So, yeah, I think you're right. Whatever words we use, we tend to, we get some idea and then we immediately want to hang on to it. And at the same time, life is happening. You know, true eternity still flows and flows and flows. Thank goodness. Susan? We allow babies to be themselves. We just say, oh, it's a fuzzy baby. We don't expect should is tricky to say that but yes probably we would any of us that could do that would be happier So thank you for this suggestion.

[50:50]

Yes, yes, Mika. Are the princess not a list of shoulds? You know, that's one way to look at them. Don't kill, don't steal, you know, shoulds. But another way of looking at them is a description of how things are. Like, we can't steal. We actually can't take something that isn't given. And also, we can't not steal, or we can't kill. Nothing can be killed. Nothing is killed. It becomes something else. At the same time, we can't help but kill. Just by living, we kill things all the time. That's another way of looking at the precepts. Is there a description of actually life as it's happening? So to think of them as shoulds, sometimes that's useful.

[51:59]

If you're in a situation and you're trying to figure out what should I do, which we do spend, just like the cook needing to participate in the kitchen, even if they can't be in control, we get in certain situations and we start wondering, what should I do? And it's fine to think about that. If we think I really should be able to figure this out and make myself do it, I think that's egotistical. It's like we don't have that much control. But to think about it and to use the precepts to think, okay, should I lie about this? Or should I not? Well, maybe I should tell the truth about it or maybe I should not say anything here. It's kind of like, I see people, even myself, like, give myself liberty for like, oh, I'm just angry right now.

[53:17]

So, you know, that's just how I am. Yes, yes, yes, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Rigidly, kind of, or something, yeah. Yeah, I think, you know, going along with, let's see, this, you know, oh, I'm just angry, which is a kind of acceptance that we've been talking about tonight. But going along with it has to be the actuality of cause and effect, you know, that everything has an effect. Everything has an effect. So if anger comes up, you know, actually, Often, usually, I would say that's not under our control. Anger arises. What we do with it, we can't give up the responsibility for that.

[54:18]

So we aren't always in control of it. But to, again, pretend like I'm passive about it and therefore just dump on you doesn't work. There might have been the chance of saying, because it will hurt you. and it will hurt me too so part of being present I think is noticing more and more subtle pain suffering happening here and whenever I try to separate myself from somebody or something like a lot of dumping anger on somebody else is really just trying to get away from the feeling of being anger angry like being angry does not feel good and whatever led to the being angry doesn't feel good. So trying to get away from that pain, we push it on to somebody else in usually a pretty painful way. Whereas if we were willing and able to live with what caused the anger, probably we wouldn't have had to get angry in the first place.

[55:23]

And if we didn't catch it that soon, if we were willing and able to live with the anger, just feel it as anger, we wouldn't have to push it onto somebody else. All the verbs that I'm thinking of are wrong. Build, gain, develop the capacity for experiencing the pain, the anger, so that it doesn't have to be pushed onto somebody else, is the kind of presence I'm talking about. And we should stop. So I think we'll close with May our intention.

[56:30]

Yes, we will close with May our intention.

[56:33]

@Transcribed_UNK
@Text_v005
@Score_88.24