This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Hello. My name is Susan and Susan O'Connell and Greg Our tanto, thank you very much, invited me to give the talk tonight, which is the last talk of the guest season. And as he was inviting me, he showed a little concern, and he said, well, you know, this is the last talk of the guest season, and you better take care of these sweet people. He said they're leaving Tassajara, many of them. Some are... summer students and, of course, the guests for the last weekend.

[01:03]

And some of them may be feeling some grief and also concern that they will somehow lose the wonderful connections that have been made with very important spiritual friends. No pressure, right, Greg? So, Reverend... Jennifer Block and I have been leading a retreat the past three days and exploring the creative path that leads us through our suffering to the place of peace and transformation. In both situations, the students and guests and also the people in our retreat, it's about navigating all these changes that life keeps throwing at us. And so we come across this teaching, which is applicable in those two situations and pretty much every other situation, which is everything changes.

[02:17]

Everything changes. And knowing this and feeling some of the pain, the dukkha, around this truth we're encouraged to study it and to test out various ways to practice with this groundlessness I thought you might enjoy hearing something that Suzuki Roshi offered in August of 1971 which was his very last summer at Tassahara this is what he said from a transcription. So if you come to Tassajara with some mundane hope, you know, to make a good home at Tassajara, it will be a mistake. Tassajara is not some place, you know, where you can stay forever.

[03:19]

If you want to stay, that's fine. It means that, well, you will, you know, spend the rest of your life helping the people here. We will have many kinds of children. Not all of them want to be a priest or even want to be a Buddhist in its truest sense. Tassahara has a hot spring. And for students and away from the city, it's a good place to stay. So it may seem like a good idea to spend the rest of the time here. That is a big problem. That is not the nature of this community. This community is for students who want to have some power to be free from our small wishes, our small desires. We have many desires, you know.

[04:23]

Even though you do not realize it, you have them. To be free from all these desires and willing to acquire great freedom from yourself and from mundane world, free from suffering, being happy with people and friendly with people without any expectation is our way. I'm going to read that again. In case anyone asks you what our way is, this is what Suzuki Roshi said. To be free from all those desires and willing to acquire great freedom from yourself and from mundane world, free from suffering, being happy with people and friendly with people and without any expectation is our way. Whenever you are, wherever you are, there is something to do, he said.

[05:27]

Even though you are in such a remote mountain, there is something for you to do to help people. It's okay for you to stay. But you cannot stay here just to enjoy yourself and your life. If you know you have this kind of idea and stay here, people from outside will not feel so good. I think you know way many people like Tassajara. The reason I like Tassajara, I think, hmm. And then the transcription ends. So I invite you right now to cultivate your own idea of what you love about Tassajara. I was speaking with someone in the courtyard this morning and called it paradise. So this desire to stay in paradise, you know, we have these teachings about not pushing away pain or adversity and not grabbing onto pleasure.

[06:42]

And in my experience, the grabbing onto pleasure one is the harder one to work with. We got it. We want to keep it. Don't move. Don't stop being paradise. So this is a hard practice. This is not an easy practice. Greg is going to be happy because I'm going to take my watch out now. He asked me to be careful. And I do what Greg says. So some of us will say goodbye to Tassajara for now. Some will be staying. Yet Even for those who are staying, everything changes. First will come work week. All the summer paraphernalia will be put to rest, put away, books and comforters and many, many things. And then lodgings will shift.

[07:43]

So even the familiarity of your little cubby down in the lower barn will be different. Jobs will be newly assigned. And then the arrival of the practice period students will begin. The retreatants in our group will be driving up the road. Actually, three of the four of them drove down. And there's been a lot of conversation about driving back out. It's a lot more complicated to drive out of here than to stay here. You don't know who you're going to meet on the road. Yet are we leaving or even staying empty-handed with nothing, with no... No gifts? I think not. I think we've been given a lot of gifts throughout the summer, throughout the last three days for the group I'm with. We've been given Dharma teachings. We've been given the discipline of the daily schedule, being held, held tight by that daily schedule, wholesome nourishment of body and mind.

[08:50]

But the foremost gift is the one of having met fellow travelers and developed spiritual friendships. That can happen for students over summer, but it can happen in the courtyard over a cup of coffee. In the retreat today, we did an exercise in the afternoon that paired people off, and Jennifer and I were paired off, and we were kind of doing the exercise, but we were also kind of listening to see how it was going. Sorry, Jennifer, where are you? And it was actually delicious to hear how freely people were sharing themselves with each other, just completely meeting each other and sharing important things, special things, and then being supported in the listening of that sharing.

[09:54]

It was quite beautiful. Are those people spiritual friends? Perhaps. So the Buddha talked about spiritual friends quite a bit, actually. The most repeated, at least in my view, of the stories where he talks about spiritual friendship is this little one. One day the venerable Ananda, the Buddha's trusted attendant and cousin, said to the Blessed One, O Lord, admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie, this is half of the holy life. Don't say that, Ananda. Don't say that, the Buddha said. Admirable friendship,

[10:55]

admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life. When a monk has admirable people as friends, companions, and colleagues, she can be expected to develop and pursue the noble eightfold path. In a world where the rule, the truth, The Dharma is that everything changes. Where we are not in control, where we cannot hold on to our preferences or keep away permanently anything that is painful or unpleasant. Is there anything we can rely on? The Buddha taught that clinging to desires and wishes and preferences is the root of suffering.

[11:58]

And that the Eightfold Path is the way to realizing the end of suffering. What did he say was the most important thing for keeping us on this path? Admirable companionship. So let's... take a look for a second at what is it that makes a spiritual friend i've been thinking about this for a while you know we have our friends our friends we grew up with our people we call and go to the movies with maybe not the people at tasahara right now but we have our friends and what's the difference a good friend is a good friend right this is falling So there are teachings about this, and I was happy to find this one, which is a translation that I appreciate by Thanissaro Bikyu.

[13:04]

And this is from the Pali Canon. Monks, a friend endowed with seven qualities is worth associating with. And what are those seven? He gives what is hard to give. She does what is hard to do. He endures what is hard to endure. She reveals her secrets to you. He keeps your secrets. When misfortunes strike, he does not abandon you. When you're down and out, she does not look down upon you. a friend with these qualities is worth associating with. And what is it that does not make a spiritual friend? There are teachings about that also. These four should be understood as foes in the guise of friends.

[14:13]

He who appropriates a friend's possessions, she who renders lip service, He who flatters, she who brings ruin. We all have examples in our life of people who have manifested in these ways, beneficial and not beneficial. To me, the most helpful qualities in a spiritual friend... is a person who reveals their secrets and keeps my secrets. The intimacy of that exchange is really, it's quite exquisite, actually. And, in addition, who does not render lip service and is not a flatterer. Someone who will tell me the truth. Someone who will help me remember that I took vows.

[15:18]

and that I said I didn't want to act in a particular way, they will remind me of this. This is a really good spiritual friend. So in studying this, I, of course, was looking at my world of friends. It's a wonderful exercise to do, really, to think about those people who serve you the best in in your chosen life of values and practices. So I have a precious friend of 40 years who I rarely see. And when I talk with her, she always knows exactly what to say. She's just precious that way. It's an intuitive relationship we have. And she says it.

[16:20]

whether it's difficult or easy, but it's never too little or too much. I had a business partner who introduced me to meditation. She used to sit in meetings, and she was this very fast-moving young woman from Philadelphia. And she would sit in meetings and her knee would go like this, you know, your foot goes like that in meetings, and she'd doodle and it would just drive me crazy. She's a really smart, really good partner, good person. And then she started meditating. And it shifted. Her ability to be present shifted. And I went, what? What was that? What could make this person shift in this way so that they were more present, less anxious? And I thought, if it can do that for her, I'm going to check this out. So she was a living example for me of practice.

[17:21]

And I treasure her to this day. I have a new spiritual friend who, for a long time, was just an acquaintance. Someone I would nod to, and this is a person in our community, so I would bow to this person. And recently... She has become someone who totally tells me everything about her. And actually, we have exchanges that are so deep and so real, I feel renewed after every conversation. She renews me with her honesty and her willingness to be confused in front of me. to show a side that is hard to show in a leadership position. I treasure her, a new friend. And then I have a friend of 20 years who is very direct with me, sometimes to the point of brutal honesty.

[18:29]

This list of qualities of spiritual friends may seem daunting if a friend is required to have all of them. Because this particular friend who helps me and is honest with me and actually one time told me I needed to lose weight, that's the kind of friend he is, no matter how valuable that aspect of our friendship is, this is a person who has a difficult time giving. So that quality of friend, let's see, He gives what is hard to give. This person has a hard time giving. Very hard time giving and is quite attached to things and space and things like that. And does that mean that this is not a good spiritual friend? Well, the good news is no, it doesn't mean that.

[19:34]

Because if I had to be a person with all these qualities, I wouldn't fit the bill. And I like to think... that I can offer spiritual friendship. I get feedback that I do that sometimes. And I know I can be selfish. So when we think about this and people in our lives and even ourselves, let's be kind to ourselves. Let's say we're on the path of spiritual friendship. We are... We are investigating and developing our qualities in order to help ourselves and all beings. And we may not be quite there yet. So I do invite you to check out your panoply of friends. Those you may hear and those you have outside of Tassajara.

[20:34]

How will you know which of these is a friend? or a spiritual friend. This is more subtle in a way, and maybe it doesn't really matter. But let me propose something. Here's a checklist for a spiritual friend. Does this friend help you remain virtuous and follow your ethics? You're with a friend, and the friend starts gossiping about someone who isn't in the room? First of all, you can make a decision then not to participate, but are you being encouraged to relate to your friend through gossip? Is that your main vehicle for intimacy? Check it out.

[21:39]

It often is, you know. We as a species do that. We other people so that we can feel close to the ones that are more like us. Does this friend help you recognize that you are headed in a dangerous direction? That can go across both kinds of friends. Sometimes a good friend will say, don't go out with him again. I'm warning you. Bad idea. whether you listen or not, is something else. But a spiritual friend maybe can help you see if you are, for instance, picking and choosing aspects of Buddhist practice that appeal to you and letting go of the ones that don't. A spiritual friend might point that out. Does this friend increase your ability to hear the Dharma, even if it's difficult?

[22:39]

Does she help you arouse patience and persistence and concentration and wisdom? Does she help you develop the perfections? And then ask yourself, for whom are you this means of support? One example of the difference I've come up with between a friend, social friend, and a spiritual friend is that... I have a friend who comes to me because she feels it's safe for her to vent. So build up steam, you know, unhappy, feels disrespected, getting angry at another person. She comes to me and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, [...] blah. You know, all of it comes out. A spiritual friend won't join her. in her anger.

[23:42]

You won't add to the negative projections that your friend is having on someone else. You can listen. You can listen and respect that that's where they are right now, but not stir it up. A social friend might say, boy, you're really right. You're really right. That person is really, you know. And that feels good. It does. It feels good. But it's not actually wholesome friendship. So. Maybe now with just this little hint about what you're taking with you, you feel maybe like you're not. letting go of Tassajara. That's one of the intentions I have of offering this tonight.

[24:46]

And I was reminded when I wrote this, actually, after the 2008 fire down here, there were five of the staff people who stayed and met the fire. And we brought a film crew down right at the end of it, and was going around interviewing people and the director saw one of the fire monks, his name was Graham, sort of sitting on the ground leaning against a tree looking exhausted and went up to him and said, you know, what's going on? And Graham said, the Tassajara I know is gone. And the director said, well, what's left? And the camera comes in on Graham's face and he He gets the sweetest smile and he says, Tassajara. So is it coming?

[25:49]

Is it going? Can it go? Where is it? Where does it live? It lives in you. And it can be reborn again and again and again. We are reminded as the fires come, Tassajara is not the buildings. We do our best to maintain the structures. Tassajara isn't the buildings. It's all of you who come now and all of you who have ever come. So how do we maintain these friendships? Well, very interestingly, Suzuki Roshi gave a talk four days after that other talk about living Tassahara about spiritual friendship. So this is a little excerpt of what he said. You should understand your friend first. Even though you know your friend pretty well, as we are human beings, sometimes you will be sun-faced Buddha, your friend will be sun-faced Buddha, and sometimes moon-faced Buddha.

[26:59]

He laughs. Sometimes he will be sick, and sometimes he will be emotional. You should know how he is today. You should always say, how are you, how are you? It is not just a greeting. It means it is very important to know how your friend is. You should understand exactly what your friend means when he says something. That is pretty difficult. You cannot always take words literally. Deep Listening to your friend. Listening with your ears, with your heart, with your skin. Listening. And this is love. This is the love that connects us to our friends.

[28:01]

Listening. Without moving. Listening with no expectation of appreciation. or of any particular response, or that that moon-faced Buddha friend will change into a sun-faced Buddha, or anything. Devotion to presence, listening. When we are listening, our self is quieted and potentially dissolved momentarily. Our focus is not on the self, nor is it entirely on the friend. It is on the meeting that is taking place. This meeting is Tassahara. It's the place where we meet, it's the people we meet, but more importantly, it's how we meet.

[29:09]

That's what Tassahara really is. meeting with an open heart, complete commitment to presence, and no expectations. So sincerely ask your friend, how are you? How are you? How are you? Good. What does that mean? complaints whatsoever? Me too. So deeply listen to the reply. This is how we maintain and further deepen our spiritual friendships. And this is the way Tassajara will be kept alive. This is the way to tolerate, together with everyone, the truth

[30:16]

that everything changes. So I got through the talk and maybe there's time for one or two at the most questions, if there is anything that you want to bring up or say. Would you get that for me? Sorry, he's closer. Yes. Never abandon anyone. And be careful of your practice around that person.

[31:20]

So you're... The way in which you relate to that person might shift. There might be more parameters, boundaries. Let's do this, let's not do that. There might be feedback involved. But we do not recommend abandoning anyone. Okay. Okay. Thank you very much. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[32:10]

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