This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Well, it's good to be here at Green Dolch, isn't it? Mm-hmm. So I thought I'd begin with a prayer that I ended the talk with Sunday a week or so ago, a couple of weeks ago, which goes like this. Whatever happens, whatever is, is, is what I want. Only that.

[01:00]

But that. That's a poem by Galway Kinnell. And I think it points to why we're all here. And what I'm doing here. So it's a It speaks to why I feel it's important that Zen Center exists at all and why Green Gulch Farm is dedicated to a particular practice, which I could say is the practice of living a life of vow rather than living a life of karma. And so I think a fundamental choice people have is to clarify what it means to live a life of vow.

[02:07]

And it's actually pretty simple. It's just being human. But as human beings, we do have this problem of how to be human beings. So it involves some discernment and some clarity and some choice. So to consider, okay, to be willing to dedicate yourself to, okay, whatever happens, whatever is, is, is that what you really want? Because if you really want that, then you're in accord with the totality of things. But usually it's more usual to want something else.

[03:11]

To want something that maybe is more comfortable than whatever happens. And... So that's really the challenge. So for me, I'm glad that Zen Center exists because for me it was and continues to be a place that supports this life of vow. So I hope that Zen Center and Green Gulch Farm and all of our practice places and all of our practice events and programs actually support each of you to live your true life. So when I say life of vow, I actually just mean your true life. So I think many of us have some sense of that, maybe at an early age, and then

[04:23]

If you're like me, you tend to lose track of it. So when I was nine, for some reason it was a big deal. I think it was because at nine years old, you could become a member of the 4-H club. So when I was nine, my father said, okay, you're going to become a member of the 4-H club. He didn't ask if I wanted to become a member of the 4-H club. He said, it's time for you to become... a member of the 4-H club. And you need a 4-H project, so I'm going to get you some sheep. So this is just kind of hitting me out of the blue. This was, of course, you know, remember, whatever happens. So I didn't, you know, we, so we lived actually in Kansas, this is in Kansas, and there's a college campus, which is a Mennonite College, Bethel College, where my father taught.

[05:35]

And then, so we lived kind of between that and where my grandparents retired to a little 20-acre farm. And so I didn't know if I was a, a town kid or a farm kid. So I was a town kid and a farm kid because my grandparents and uncles and everyone had been farming for centuries. But my father had this dual life of being a college professor and farming. But he knew that it was important that I have a 4-H project. So we went out, and he said, I talked to this fellow. I talked to Ronnie Weedle, and he's got some sheep for sale, so we'll go take a look. So we went out, and there's these sheep running by. I'm standing there completely bewildered.

[06:37]

There's hundreds of sheep running by. And every once in a while, Ronnie says, I could sell you that one. LAUGHTER More sheep run by. What was that one? Yeah. I didn't know. I did know which end of a sheep was the head. I did know that, but I didn't know any one sheep from another. They all looked the same to me. So... So my dad made some arrangement, and so a short time later, these three purebred Hampshire ewes were dropped off. Anyone know Hampshire's? A couple of people know Hampshire's. All right. There are many different breeds of sheep. I got Hampshire's.

[07:42]

So that was pretty much it. They were three pregnant ewes and it was in the fall of my ninth year and my dad went off and did his things and my job was to go feed the sheep so I fed the sheep and they got bigger. And then about in January when it was really, really cold they started having lambs, and so that was my job, to go out and help the ewes with their lambs. And it didn't go too badly, actually, that year. But then the next year, we decided, my dad decided we should upgrade, because my sheep did very poorly at the county fair. mostly because we were gone all summer harvesting wheat. So anyway, I won't go into all that, but they did very... They were pathetic.

[08:48]

So my dad went out and invested in this champion yew, really high-priced and beautiful yew. So the next winter, so I was 10, next winter, she had a lot of trouble... And I remember, you know, getting up, you know, it's middle of the night, going out, checking, coming back, going back to bed, getting up again, trying to figure out when the lambs are going to be born. And so this ewe had a lamb that was born with a serious defect, a beautiful lamb, nice, big, strong lamb, except... the fact that its head was open and its brains were kind of coming out of its skull. And I realized that there wasn't anything I could do.

[09:55]

Normally a lamb can, within a few minutes of being cleaned up and so forth, can stand up and it's wobbly, but it can begin to nurse and So I was left on my own. I just decided, okay, I will just leave this lamb out in the snow. But I began to realize that things don't always go so well. And that about that time also I have a cousin who died of leukemia. She was younger than, just a couple years younger than me. And so I remember then, and the days after that, I'm walking back to do my chores with the lambs, and I'm considering what is my life. I can't do anything about this death.

[11:00]

In what way am I responsible? And this was a kind of a koan for me. Now I would say a koan. But I was really deeply involved in this matter of birth and death. And I remember walking over, there's a little hill going over the hill and down to where the barns, the barns still are. And coming over the little hill, one, it was afternoon, And it became clear to me that my life is not mine. And it's hard to say, to convey the impact of that, that my life is not mine. My life is a gift.

[12:04]

So all of these lives, all of these lives that I was taken care of, including my own, changed. Changed from being something that I thought was mine to something that I understood was a gift, that is a gift. And so I would say that at that point I felt that it was very clear to me. And the message that came to me was that that the time of my own death is not my own choice, but that I'll just live as long as I live, and that's something I have to accept. So I accepted it. So for me, that was a point of completely accepting, as this poem says, whatever happens.

[13:11]

whatever is, is, whatever that is, is what I want. It's what I want because it's what's given. It's what I want because what's given is this life. And so it's my, say, my responsibility to receive that. my responsibility to receive it and appreciate it. So I'd say this insight of 10 years old was very significant, and then I forgot about it. You know, I got busy with all the other ordinary things. And... It wasn't until I was in my mid-20s that it really became, again, it became clear to me that I wanted to clarify my life.

[14:18]

And at that time, I started taking care of my teeth. Interesting. How I had neglected my teeth, right? I'd forgotten that this life, whatever's given is actually something for me to take care of. I'd actually forgotten that, and it included my teeth. So I had to go to, I was living in Chicago then, and I went to the Northwestern Dental School because I had no money and quite a bit of time, I thought. So at the dental school, they really went to work on my teeth. Some of that is still... holding up pretty well, actually. But it was very interesting then how clarifying this life comes down to small things, like taking care of one's teeth. And after that, I started sitting Zazen.

[15:26]

And within a couple of years, I was here. at San Francisco Zen Center in the city, and then we acquired Green Gulch. So recently, as Abbot, I've been thinking, what's the... I don't usually think about it. I don't think about it. But today it occurred to me, after a long, tiresome... Well, not really tiresome, but tiring and difficult day of meeting here in this room... And then coming down and meeting people for dinner and thinking about, well, how's your day going and how's your day going? And I thought, it's good to reflect every once in a while. What's the fundamental intention? The fundamental intention for me as abbot is to support Zen Center to be

[16:29]

as a place for people to live their true life, for people to recall and be supported in recalling what's your true life. And this is a matter of then sometimes kind of combing through the weeds, combing through the weeds of... one's mind. Because along the way there's so many influences. I think our culture in America is not really I would say commonly understood to support people to even really inquire into what does it mean to live a life of vow? What does it mean to live a life where you are moment by moment challenged to be in accord with the totality of things?

[17:38]

To live where people actually raise that kind of question and ask you, you know, are you living in accord with the totality of things, you know? What can that possibly mean? A couple of days ago, someone asked me, we have this phrase, saving all beings. We say that. Does it mean anything? Is it just something we say or does it mean something? So, yeah. It... Sometimes it may just seem like something we say. But there's a reason. I think every time we say it, there's an opportunity to reflect and think, oh, what does it mean? Now, right now. What does it mean?

[18:48]

So it means taking care of one's teeth. I was just... I was at the dentist actually a couple of weeks ago for tooth cleaning. And the person cleaning my teeth said, I wish everyone took as good care of their teeth as you are. And I thought, wow. It wasn't always like that. And then I told a couple of stories about being subjected to student dentistry, which I could go into. It's a good place to practice, actually.

[19:56]

Actually, just to say, I have some friends who are dentists, and I want to support them. And I talk to them, and often they find unsupported, they feel unsupported as dentists in their profession. They feel sometimes that people don't want to come see them. And they don't want to come see them, I think, for two reasons. One... They might get some bad news. And two, it's painful. It's often painful. So, but I was lucky. I had an A student most of the time. And I just recently found out from my dentist now in Sonoma County, I have a dentist. And she was saying, where did you get those gold foils, which are a student project?

[20:58]

They had to hammer these little gold foils into these, which they don't do anymore. So it's a historic artifact. So these gold foils, where did you get those? I said, well, it's Northwestern Dental School. And I said, you know, and it was an A student. It was for the state licensing. exam to pass the test to get this hammered into there. And he got an A on it too. And his name was Steve McNeil. I remembered the dentist. Steve McNeil? There's a dentist in Occidental named Steve McNeil. So it turns out that my dentist, student dentist from Northwestern is now living not very far from where I am sometimes in Sonoma County. But then I had another dentist student. And I don't know if he ever passed. But he had the job of pulling out a wisdom tooth.

[22:02]

And it was, I knew it was bad because, I knew it was gonna be bad because he was so nervous about it when he was giving me the shots to numb the gum. His hand was shaking like this. And the syringe was bouncing around on my teeth. It was quite an ordeal. I really felt sorry for him. And he never did get the tooth pulled. Finally, the instructor had to come and pull it. But what I'd learned was that dentists are benevolent beings. their intention is, you know, is really to be helpful. So I adopt the mind of giving myself into the care of these benevolent beings.

[23:04]

And over the years, first, and it was clear to me that they cared more about my teeth than I did. They knew more about my teeth. They cared more about my teeth. Gradually, I've come to take care to learn more and take better care of my own teeth. So I feel like I'm lying there and I have a chance just to relax and be attended to by these angelic beings who are jamming stuff into my mouth. But it's all for a very benevolent intention. So I think, and yet it requires sometimes a real concentration on my part not to have deluded thoughts about what's happening. So to be precisely present with what's happening means not to anticipate pain.

[24:09]

There's a tendency to anticipate pain. Some of you may know about this. So when you hear the drill going and it gets closer, there's a tendency to get a little tense. So I work with that. Not to anticipate anything in particular. So it's an opportunity just to be present. And then whatever the sensation is, is just sensation. And sometimes it's just kind of more like noise and some kind of vibration, and other times it's like hot fire. I don't use... Whatever, I've forgotten the names of those. What's the most common one now? Moacaine. Moacaine, I don't use... I had a very quick dentist for a while.

[25:11]

He was a Zen practitioner, actually, in San Francisco, and he was very quick. He said, this will only take a second, so let's not bother with Novocaine. I said, okay. So I learned then that it was really fine not to use a Novocaine. But it's a practice then of not anticipating the pain. So that's being willing to be present with whatever happens. Now, it's not so difficult because you know that you're in the hands of someone who has your best interest at heart. That's a very easy situation to be present in when you know that someone is caring for you. So that's a good situation to be practicing not... anticipating anything, to be willing to be present with whatever happens.

[26:13]

Other situations are more challenging where you don't necessarily know that someone has your best interest at heart or someone is trying to actually take care of you or help you. You don't always know that. So there may be other situations where it's harder to be free from anticipating something that's painful or unpleasant. It's hard to be willing to be present when someone has insulted you recently and then to meet them without anticipating that there's some difficulty. So there may be some difficulty, but are you anticipating something from this person? Am I entering the room or meeting this person feeling, oh, they hate me, or they don't like me, or they don't care about me?

[27:20]

Do you even just have that at a very low level? is quite a challenge. It's a challenge to let that go and simply be willing to say, okay, whatever happens, whatever is happening right here, now, this is actually what I want. I want to actually be living the life that's not my life. I want to be living the life that is bigger than thinking it's my life. And this life actually includes whoever's in front of me. So this practice that we do here supports being willing to say go beyond one's usual, say area of comfort.

[28:23]

in the service of vow, in the service of one's true life, which may not be just one's comfortable zone. So today sitting here, the meeting was the, it's called Abbott's Council. Abbott's Council, there are many, many different groups with names that sound somewhat similar. So there's Abbots Group. Abbots Group is the current Abbots and former Abbots. But Abbots Council is the current Abbots. No, we don't call one of them that. We call Linda senior, abiding senior Dharma teacher. ASDT. Okay, so we've got an ASDT. We've got a couple of abbots.

[29:28]

We've got some tantos. We've got some directors. As many as we can round up. And I was trying to schedule this meeting to get everyone, but I couldn't get everyone. But we met at the best time we could. Because who knows when we could get everyone. So this meeting today was... a meeting that reviewed the Paz and Gates interview. Some of you know about Paz and Gates, but if you've been here a while, you're supposed to have an interview after a few years. After two years, three years, three to five years, you're supposed to have, at least then, have an interview to say, to find out, okay, well, how's it going? How's your practice going here? And what's next? Is it looking like it's a good fit for you to continue your practice and training at Zen Center?

[30:39]

Is it good for you to continue at Green Gulch? Should you maybe go to Tassajara? If you are at Tassajara, is it good for you to continue there? Should you go to the city? What positions have you... been asked to take responsibility for and how's that gone? You know, all these kind of things. So today the meeting was picking up on a backlog of some paths and gates. Some people who've been at Zen Center for over 20 years and have never had a paths and gates interview. So one of my goals coming in as an abbot was to activate the paths and gates, that we have this policy and have this program. And it's been sometimes kind of spottily actually implemented. So I felt today just to even have the meeting, just to be able to get in the room, to have done the preparation for it, which was a lot of work for Mark Lancaster, who's our people resource person.

[31:52]

Just to have that accomplished, just to get in the room, that's an accomplishment right there. And now what happens? A person comes up for consideration and then various people who know them have a chance to consider, what do we think? Should we ask this person to take this kind of position or should we give them that kind of feedback? This is a very challenging kind of work. How to be supporting each person's true life. How do you even know enough about each person, another person's true life, to find out, to know? Is there some way to support that? So... I want to invite you to consider whether you think consent centers doing a good job.

[33:08]

There's always ways to improve, you know. And so the question is, do you feel that you're getting some kind of It's a feedback in a way that you can receive it. So it's just like, you know, it's maybe a little bit like going to the dentist. Going to the dentist and the dentist is not appreciated because the dentist might give you some bad news. So the question is, am I willing to go to the dentist? Am I really willing to be receptive to the truth about my teeth? Am I willing to be receptive to what someone else observes or can investigate and see about something about me?

[34:14]

Am I willing And how would I like to, if I'm willing, okay, first of all, am I willing? And then second of all, how would I like to receive that information? How would I like to receive it? Is there a way that's easier for me to receive it? Or is there a way that's really problematic that I don't want to receive it? So I'd like to invite you right now to take those two questions and consider... for about a minute, and then turn to each other in just dyads, and talk to each other for a few minutes about one's own level of willingness or receptivity, and is there some guidance one can give someone else about how I'd like to hear, and then I'd like to hear from the some other people from you, because this will help me.

[35:18]

Because I need to go back now to various people and talk to them. So let's have a minute of silence just so you can reflect on. I might even say, if I was ranking my own receptivity between one and ten, and at one, I don't wanna be bothered. I don't wanna hear anything more. And at 10, I'm completely open. You might say, you know, find where you're at on that scale. So now I invite you to shift into dyads, person next to you. And take turns.

[36:27]

Okay. A good tool. I just learned that even when someone is completely open, which is not me, it still makes a difference whether that whether feedback is presented in a way that's using respectful language or harsh language. So I'm interested, are there other comments or suggestions? Yes.

[37:32]

We talked about how receptivity is related to trust, having kind of trust in the person who's giving you feedback, which I think is related to respect and respectful conduct. And also what kind of power, what is the power relationship between the two people? And is it feedback or is it like a request that you do something different because I have power, you are, you know, you have less power than me or some, there's a relationship there too between around trust and power. And what makes the power? That's a very good question. I mean, there's institutional power and interpersonal power, age, education, learning. So I think that's an important point anyway, that trust is a factor and a power factor.

[38:44]

Yeah. just to notice that. What else? Yeah? I was thinking about if I go into a situation where I'm open or when I'm not, so really coming from a recipient point of view, that if you're coming into the, I'm not sure what form of the meeting that you have, but if you come to it from a perspective of, what's next step on my part? Or how am I going to learn? This is going to be a great discussion for me because I'm going to learn how to, you know, the next step to how to move on my path. And it's going to be a really wonderful experience. In our sense, there's no, I guess, the path of dynamic shifts in sense. But if you come to it from that perspective, then... it's shifting it from a defensive to a really positive, open discussion.

[39:46]

And then from the person who's giving the feedback advice, coming from that perspective as well, this is a great situation to see how you're going to be moving forward on your path. Moving forward, I know it's not really, you know, you are where you are, Anyway, from my perspective, if I come with that attitude, I'm much closer to that tent than I am to that one. Okay. Yeah, thank you. So, I'm glad that you mentioned both sides. And I think it is okay to think about going forward. Okay, this is... you know, we emphasize, sometimes we emphasize momentariness, okay, just this moment, but there also is a notion of path, you know, there's a notion of going forward.

[40:54]

And so, to have the thought, whatever happens here will help me clarify going forward, clarify how to go forward. And it just, it reminds me of Just a few days ago, I was talking to someone who is looking for work and has a lot of anxiety about going in for interviews. And going in for interviews tends to think, oh, I'm not going to get the job. I already know that. So I was suggesting to that person actually something similar to what you just said, to go into the interview with the thought, I don't know what will happen, but I can learn something. I can learn something that will help me just clarify how to go forward. And so whatever happens, it's not that I'm attached to having a particular outcome, but I'm much more open to just learning what I can learn from this exchange.

[42:07]

So that supports just going forward. What else? Yeah. There was an agreement about that feedback can... We were both sort of open to feedback kind of depending on how it's presented and how the person that's giving feedback... whether or not it's coming from sort of their own agenda, maybe, or that's not the right word, but it's somehow manipulative or kind of, I think, echoing what was said before about is there a certain request that's not just about listening to what's happening, you know, with, say, me, if I'm the one receiving feedback.

[43:12]

So it does make a difference. I thought that was kind of striking actually. I know it does to me. It does for me. It is harder for me to receive from someone who is angry, visibly angry at me and expressing their anger It's, I really, I have to work harder to hear that, you know. So there are some guidelines for respectful speech, kind speech, for sometimes even, you know, asking, you know, is this a good time? Is this a good time to...

[44:14]

to talk. Or I have something that is an issue, and so I'd like to bring it up, but is this a good time? It allows someone to prepare themselves to receive. So that's a respectful kind of opening. We don't always have time for that. But often we overlook that as a possibility. So I think to not, well, it's time to end, but to not lose sight. I think the most common thing is we lose sight of the overall intent. And by overall intent, I mean to support the person to live their true life. That whatever I'm saying to you is not just coming from my own annoyance with you, but But my annoyance with you may be just a sign. There's something about it that is telling me I need to say something.

[45:20]

But the reason I'm saying it is because I actually want you to live your true life. And I know you do too. Even though you may not even think about that or say that at some level. That's actually what you want. And so to have some feeling then of this is a life that we live together. The reason I'm feeling annoyed is because we're living it together. The reason that I have to say something is because maybe there's some dissonance. dissonance or disagreement or whatever, that's actually where we meet. So it's a place of meeting. So to acknowledge that, I think if, I just want to suggest that everyone in the room here can help Zen Center be truer to Zen Center's fundamental intention, you know, by paying attention to that.

[46:37]

as you work together, as you talk together, each moment of the day, and that supports the practice of sangha. So, there's a, one of my very good students years ago died of cancer in Before she was dying, she said, here's a song that I want to have sung at my funeral. And so I'd like you to join me. It's a wonderful world. I see trees of green, red roses too. Flowers bloom for me and for you. And I say to myself, what a wonderful world.

[47:46]

I see sky of blue and clouds of white. The bright blessed day and the dark sacred night. And I say to myself, what a wonderful world. The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky are also in the faces of the people going by. I see friends shaking hands saying, how do you do? They're really saying I love you I hear babies cry I watch them grow They'll learn much more than I'll ever know And I say to myself What a wonderful world Yes, I think to myself

[48:58]

What a wonderful world. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait a minute. You didn't all do that. Everyone's got to go, oh, yeah. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[49:50]

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