This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. Yesterday I was talking about turning the light inward. looking at the particularity of our personal and interpersonal karmic being. In the process of reconciliation, coming to terms with, bringing some ease to the issues that are rattling around within us.

[01:03]

It's a simple notion. When we sit there trying to stay connected and present and open and aware, the more turmoil there is, the more difficult it is to do that. So this process of looking as carefully as thoughtfully, as kindly, as clearly as we can. What's going on? That very process of that careful study stimulates this reconciliation. It has nothing or not much to do with figuring out your own psychological issues. or ferreting out the root cause, or figuring out. It's something more about just appreciating the inner workings of our being, the patterns, the dominant ways of responding.

[02:26]

in the service of reconciliation. Kadigari Roshi said, when we're fully present, the whole world is forgiven. Everything's reconciled. Okay. This is how it is. So that be lovely. if we could do all that before the first time we sat down on our cushion. We came in this calm, clear, reconciled state. It's much more of a reiterative process. You do some sitting, you start to develop the capacity to connect, the capacity to see, and you see and you connect, and then you bring that back. the attentiveness of meeting the moment and hopefully that moment is a little less turbulent little less turbocharged with the drama of our karmic existence so that was yesterday

[03:59]

and today's another day the Dharma unfolds not to say as I just said we sit we discover we bring it back to our sitting we discover some more Not to say it isn't this extraordinary back and forth, but it's also an unfolding. As the mind settles, the usual consciousness, not only is it carried along on this turbulent stream.

[05:01]

It's usually carried along with a conviction of its solidity. And then punctuating that solidity is another experience of reality. Yesterday I was saying it's shamanistic. It's like when you have a toothache and that little material particle half the size of your fingernail becomes enormous. It's bigger than the rest of your body. It's more important than the things you usually consider important or when your knee hurts and something similar happens this area becomes large

[06:24]

it comes bigger than the rest of your body it's the sensation within it casts all the other sensations in the body into a shadow it dictates or attempts to dictate the state of mind And we start to experience directly that indeed existence is not what we say it is. It's not what we think it is. That right along with that it has a capacity for being and expressing interrelatedness

[07:27]

in an entirely different way. This intensity of engagement it radically and powerfully participates in the experience that arises. this dependent co-arising, this participating in an extraordinary way in the creation starts to become evident. Sometimes it mystifies us. Sometimes physical sensations take on a psychosomatic hue and all sorts of notions.

[08:30]

Body is being squeezed. Body is twisting. Body is as heavy as the heaviest thing there is. Or body is floating. Body is infused with lightness and energy. And then the bell rings and we rush back to usual world. Okay, enough of that. What was I worrying about? Who is it I'm mad at?

[09:36]

I've forgotten for a moment. the habit energy of the usual world. We know it well, right along with not knowing it well, right along with not having examined it carefully. There's another way in which we're well rehearsed in it. And this extraordinary other way of being. As the sutras say, infinite in variety. In astrophysics now, as they're conjuring up new theories, one notion that's being put out there is maybe there's just

[10:52]

infinite galaxies. It's a really, really big number and then let's go bigger. Let's try infinite for a while. Infinite possibilities. And can these experiences, can these loosening up this well glued together reality. Can we literally let it register that five minutes ago I was sitting The pain in my knee filled the Zendo.

[11:58]

It occupied seven-eighths of my consciousness. And then the bell rung, and I stood up, and it's back to 2%. What an extraordinary existence we're part of. What an amazing range of experience we go through. Something starts to loosen up. When it's truly powerful, that intense momentary experience it can be utterly transformative so-called ordinary reality no longer has a credibility we hear of these stories realizations mystical experiences

[13:20]

It's helpful to note that every time we sit down, we're having sound version of these mystical experiences. Every time we pause and let the sign to this stream become dominant, according to me, is just being taken apart. As a wonderful old Zen poem says, like the petals of the peach blossom being blown off in the spring breeze.

[14:35]

to be undone by this array of consciousness that arises in Zaza. And sometimes that's dominant. often it's interwoven with the persistence of the unreconciled. Often there's an interplay between this opening to greater being and this persistence of the unresolved. Whether it's hesitating to open.

[15:52]

Whether it's bringing forth some ancient issue that runs through our life. I think this is a line from a Neil Young son. There's a shadow hanging over me like a beggar going from door to door. To me, it sort of captures that haunting flavor that we seem attracted to. And as I said several days ago, as we enter more fully, we discover things are much worse than we thought.

[16:56]

We thought, okay, things are bad, but if I just keep wanting what I want and hating what I don't want, it'll work out. And then you look a little bit more closer and you think, that's never going to work out. My niece has a daughter who's Lola, who's five. When Lola was five, she asked three. She asked about God. So my niece emailed me and said, Lola wants to know And Lola and I had met and bonded over a song called, Do You Realize? If you haven't heard it, I recommend it. Anyway, Lola and I had a great time.

[18:03]

She performed it for me. So her mother emailed me and said, Lola wants to know is her God." And I emailed back and I said, I don't even know what the word means and I have no idea whether there is or isn't one. But what I do know is for sure there is a Santa Claus. You know, we think, if I just want what I want and hate what I don't want, it'll all work out. And then we start to experience this infinite variety of consciousness of being.

[19:06]

And we think, what was I thinking? All this could be packaged in the inside, the intrigues of my conceptual mind. In the emotional environment that I hold that in. And the likes and dislikes. So Santa Claus is not interested in your likes and dislikes. You can write them as many letters as you like and send them up the chimney, but... Liberation goes far beyond getting what you want, annihilating what you don't want.

[20:10]

It's a whole other ballgame. Or in the words of Taha Muhammad Ali, he said, be careful about wanting the happiness I have. The happiness I have is not the happiness you want. It has nothing to do. He didn't say this in his poem. It has nothing to do with getting what you want and avoiding what you don't want. So as practitioners, what is it to open in this way?

[21:21]

What is it to meet the arising experience without getting busy fitting it back inside the world according to me? Not to underestimate the world according to me. not to dismiss it. Dogen Zenji for all his extraordinary effusive statements about the way of the Buddha ancestors also said study the self. Reconciliation can be very helpful.

[22:27]

And as we start to see the territory of the likes and dislikes, as we start to see the array of our psychological makeup, we start to see that indeed things are much worse than I thought. These are simply attempts to reconcile the human condition. my son said to me when he was four but I want too much wow that was clear I want to live forever I want to always be happy

[23:50]

I want to always be safe. I want intimacy, love, warmth, affection, respect, appreciation. And that's just for starters. My list for Santa Claus goes on from there. And as we look at it, this is my antidote to the fundamental human condition, which very interestingly is simply a construct. Santa Claus says, have you thought of letting go of that?

[25:01]

Would you consider that as a present, as a gift, as something you might want? So we practice and the practice reveals the Dharma. The practice and the Dharma reveal the request of practice. You ever thought of letting go of that? Would you consider that an option? this renunciation thing that you really, really don't like, that's on the bottom of your list, actually it's fallen off your list, your to-do list, would you consider that this is, amazingly, your heart's desire?

[26:22]

that even though you conjure up endless antidotes to your suffering and even though you devotedly pursue them that in some strange miraculous way this is your heart's desire practice ask of me? What do I want from practice? Well, how much time do you have? Guys, it's a long list. What does practice ask of me? This is

[27:34]

taking the backward step. First of all, we take the backward step and we think, oh, this has something to do with dancing. It's just a little waltz. Then you work with it for a while and you think, hmm. This is letting go. of everything, anything. This is entering the unfamiliar territory, beyond the self, beyond the world of self, and how to do that. Okay, that was the introduction to my talk.

[28:39]

Looking at everything in the wide morning and the strike of noon. Coming, clapping my hands. I can't stop. Not for any reason. Not even for the easiest thought. In any way. What is thought but elaborating and organizing? What is thought but doubting or crying out? As reliable as anything you will ever know, time moves. It's dim, heavy thumb across the shoreline making changes. It's whimsical variations. Yes, yes. The body never gets away from the world. It's endless granular shuffle and exchange. Everything is.

[29:52]

Sooner or later, the red fox, the bulrush, the industrious ant, the sleepy bear, the green crab, the minnow, the pink boat, the dog in the pink boat, Therefore. Therefore, we glue it together with therefore. We glue it together with I want, I don't want, I'm afraid of, I'm anxious about, I'm resenting, I'm saddened by, I'm yearning for, I'm hopeful of. Are these anything more than extraordinary moments of consciousness?

[31:02]

Just as extraordinary as when the pain in your knee takes up. seven-eighths of all available consciousness and is nibbling away at the other eighth. Or when in the midst of your concerns you stop and notice that there are bejeweled drops of moisture. hanging from the stark black branches right in front of you. And that they are making your heart sing. How to bring this.

[32:18]

How to keep the door to this way of being open. How to be available for moments in which we're undone. It's not the product of determination. It's not grasping at it because it sounds like a fun thing to try out. Paradoxically, it's being willing, completely, unreservedly willing to be human because that's the medium with which we engage and experience and enter this being. We forgive it and we live it.

[33:25]

We sit with what arises. the bottom followed. We attend to what is it to let the body breathe? What is it to have a tender compassion for the lingering hesitancy right in our body? What is it to watch the bejeweled tree limb and then resume some painful thought that haunts you like a beggar going door to door?

[35:00]

So be it. tradition to existence, inviting everything and anything into awareness. When it turns luminous, be illuminated. When it contracts, be contracted. when it illustrates liberation study liberation when it illustrates the human condition study the human condition this is

[36:03]

what's asked. This is what's given in return for our efforts, in return for our attention, in return for our willingness in return for our renunciation, our discipline. I mean, with a gift like that, surely you would agree it would be absolutely crazy to say there was no Santa Claus. And then how to let something sink in.

[37:19]

How to let something become part of the fabric of our being. How to keep what does practice ask of me. To keep it close enough that it stops being so scary. close enough that something in us can go, no, no, no, this is not a bad thing. And it will introduce us. to the more fundamental agitations.

[38:26]

Sometimes it's said that the most fundamental agitation is fear. I would say, take your pick. Check it out. Maybe you're not into waltzing, maybe you're more into sambal. You know, maybe it's not fear, maybe it's anxiety. Maybe it's, you know, bitterness. I used to think for myself it was, oh no. Why say yes when you can say oh no?

[39:33]

Someone told me that he did a master's thesis on what's people's most prevalent response upon hearing bad news. Don't ask me how he checked that out, but he told me the result wives the most prevalent response is, no. More like, no. And Katagiri Roshi says, everything's forgiven. Even no. Even anxiety. Even fear. Bitterness. Nagging yearning.

[40:43]

Heavy murky sadness. As Haka runs in, she says, the problem with Zen students is they don't like hell. All that murky pain. And they think, oh, I don't want it. What's her problem? So this proposition, what does practice ask of me? And it's a koan. It invites us beyond any formulation. Not to say formulations cannot be instructive.

[41:46]

It occurred to me yesterday. I thought, you know, maybe I didn't give the yoga a big enough cell. You know, the heritage of Zen is, here it is. If you want it, take it. If you don't want it, please, find what you do want. The heritage of the Zen tradition developing an intimate skillful relationship with body breath the yoga it can be extraordinary helpful in that regard so maybe I should have given it a better self or maybe

[43:08]

Maybe not. But it occurred to me yesterday I should have. That's... In the teaching that outline of the way, which is maybe the only thing that we reliably know came from Bodhidharma, according to Andy Ferguson. Want to quote my source? It says, principle and practice. And I would say what I've been trying to talk about this morning What does practice ask of me?

[44:10]

Responding to that. The possibility of that. The alleviation of suffering of that. The illumination of the human condition of that. How that's integral and essential in the practice of Zazen. this is the principle of our way the practice okay what helps put it together well what helps that loosen up the turbulence of the human mind and heart but helps makes the body and the mind an ally in the practice? What's the inner structure and the outer structure?

[45:15]

What's the Dharma that surrounds it? So as we continue with the practice period, hopefully these will be the things we will explore. How does Dogen formulate that? In the early texts, what were the classic processes from there? Satipatthana says, okay, get yourself together now. Look at the hindrances. Okay, now look at the skandhas. Okay, now look at the sense gates. Okay, now look at the wings of enlightenment. Now look at liberation. The Zen school says, as does the Eightfold Path.

[46:26]

First, right view. Not right in relationship to wrong, but just what's the orientation that sets us in the right direction. More like that. And the one last thing I would add for this morning is appreciation.

[47:30]

Something like savoring. The moment. However it appears. a peculiar way we can still savor even when we're annoyed, upset, disappointed, confused. It's still an amazing moment full of mystery. That's why I'm reading this poor poem by Mary Oliver to death. Somehow in my mind, it captures this savoring. Looking at everything in the wide morning and the strike of noon, coming and clapping my hands, and I can't stop.

[48:35]

I can't stop for any reason, not even for the easiest thought. And anyway, what is thought but elaborating and organizing? What is thought of doubting and crying out? As reliable as anything you'll ever know, time moves its dim, heavy thumb over the shoreline, making its changes, its whimsical variations. Yes, yes, the body never gets away from the world. Its endless, granular shuffle, an exchange. Yes, yes. Yes, I will. Are you ready? No. Will you do it anyway?

[49:39]

Yes, I will. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving.

[50:03]

@Transcribed_UNK
@Text_v005
@Score_96.35