This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening, everybody. Thank you all for being here. So my name is Jiryu. I live at Green Gulch Farm, where I serve currently as the head of practice. And it's nice to be back here at Tassajara, being welcomed by everyone and welcoming everyone.

[01:04]

It's sort of hard to get to Tassavara. I don't know if you noticed that. It's a little hard to get here. And then once you get here, it can be a little hard to stay here. So I want to start just by appreciating all of you for making that trip over the road, you know, over the many roads that lead us here. What brought you, you know? What call? What stirring brought you over that bumpy road to this valley? And then for those of you who have stayed more than a few days, what stirring keeps you from running back out over that bumpy road? So I just want to appreciate that call, that stirring that you've all heard and appreciate your practice here. You're taking care of the Buddha Dharma and each other and this beautiful place.

[02:16]

So from the baseline of that appreciation, if I can be confident that you've all heard that appreciation, I'd like to ask a question, which is... Are you holding back? Are you holding back from your life? Or actually, the question I really wanted to ask was, why are you holding back from your life? That seemed a little abrupt to start with. So how about just, are you, by chance, holding back from your life? And the follow-up question might be, why are you holding back from your life? Or what are you waiting for? What are you waiting for? What am I waiting for? What are we waiting for before we start just fully living, you know?

[03:28]

What's your excuse today for why you're holding back, for why you're not quite fully living? What's my excuse today? for not showing up completely for this short and precious life. So when I ask, you know, why are you holding back? You might think, well, how does he know I'm holding back? Or you might think, I'm not holding back. So I'm not sure. I'm not sure if you're holding back. Call it a hunch. Call it an informed hunch. I wonder, you know, I wonder if you, like me, have some problem. If you have some problem and in some deep sense you're waiting for that problem to be resolved before really fully taking up your life.

[04:38]

Like, I'm almost there. There's just this problem, you know, and once that problem is resolved, then I'm totally... going to stop holding back. Though on any given day, I feel I notice that in some deep sense, I'm kind of waiting for my current problem to be done before fully stepping into the present moment, fully being the person that I'm receiving to be, you know, in this moment and the next. At Green Goats recently, I was sharing with some people the offense I took at the Buddha. So the Buddha has this sutra called the Brahmanet Sutra, and in it, he makes various recommendations, including that twice a month, practitioners of the Buddha way should get together and do a ceremony of repenting, of acknowledging the mistakes and the errors and the lack of practice.

[05:53]

And I thought, well, how does he know that we're going to need to have that ceremony every two weeks? What if we go two weeks without transgressing? What if we go two weeks without making any errors, you know? It seemed a kind of presumptuous of him, you know, that even he knows already that next month, at the end of next month, I'm going to need to do a ceremony repenting, which feels... Do you feel that? That's how that feels. Like, don't I even have a chance, you know, to get this month right? But he knows. Because our practice is about coming back to center. Our practice is about leaning over and coming back to center. you know, come back to center or come back to life, we unfortunately have to go through this little process, which is sometimes painful, of noticing that we were off-center.

[07:02]

So everybody wants to be at center, you know, coming back to life. But it's harder to, like, notice and have our friends tell us and tell ourselves, like, I'm kind of way over here. Can I come back? Can I come back to life? Can I come back to center? And can I notice first that I've been holding back, that I've been... not quite fulfilling the vows I've taken. So it's from this perspective, you know, in the same spirit as the Buddha telling me that I will next month need to repent of what I don't yet know, that I have some confidence that most of us here this evening are holding back in some deep ways from our life. that I'm holding back in some deep way from fully living my life. I think most of the ways that I hold back, that we hold back, have to do with having this problem, having some problem and imagining that it's in our way, that we can't quite fully be here until that problem is resolved.

[08:18]

So it seems really important for people who don't want to hold back from their life to understand in a really good way how to deal with problems, how to have problems, how to be the kind of person for whom a problem does not keep you from living your life. So what's the right relationship? What's the right view or right attitude that we could have as people wanting to live fully? What's the right attitude we could have about problems? I wanted to say a little bit about that tonight. So in the ordinary way, what we here in the mountains like to call the worldly way. So in the worldly way, of having a problem, a problem is an obstacle. So what you do when there's a problem, a worldly person, what we do as worldly people when there's a problem is to fix the problem.

[09:31]

So we resolve our problems and we remove our obstacles. And if you want to know how to do that, there's lots of books that will tell you how to go about resolving your problems, and removing the many obstacles that you have in your life. So when a problem comes up, we understand that it needs to be fixed. And so we get to work. Like we're going to fix this problem. We roll up our sleeves and we draw on our old habits. We draw on the ways that we know to solve problems. And then we say, I'm really taking up this problem. You know, just like using the same tools that I've used probably since I was four, you know, to solve problems. But now I'm even kind of proud of myself. Like, wow, I'm really like taking up my life. I'm really solving these problems, you know. But I'm solving them in order to remove them. And I'm solving them using the same tools that I've always been using.

[10:39]

So we come into the mountains. We enter the spiritual path, spiritual life, usually based on some kind of disillusion with the ordinary way of living and the ordinary approach to problems. And then either on the road or shortly after exiting the vehicle, we start running into some problems. And then we deal with the problems, you know, We say, oh, that's too bad because I'm trying to live my life fully, but looks like there's a problem here. A problem is an obstacle. It's going to be in my way. So I'm going to go ahead and roll up my sleeves and resolve this problem and remove this obstacle. So then we use our old, same old tools to solve this new problem. And we say, I'm a bodhisattva. This is the bodhisattva vow because we have taken this vow, you know, to solve all the world's problems, to solve all of our problems and to solve all of Tassajara's problems. And to solve all of the world's problems, this is called the Bodhisattva vow.

[11:50]

And so we get here and we get to work on solving all of these problems using our same old tools. And we say, oh, this is so beautiful to be practicing the Bodhisattva vow. To be practicing in the relative truth. So I think that we need to look... closely at how it is that we're dealing with the problems we have. Especially those of us who think that our problem is really important, you know, who feel really loyal to our problem. Like, no, this is a really important problem and I really am working on fixing it and I have some good ideas about how. And I'd like your support. So, you know, the part of my question for me, for you, is now that we're in the mountains, now that we're on this spiritual path, are we just using this new word, you know, bodhisattva vow, or practice, to refer to actually the same old ways of dealing with problems, the same old ways of dealing with our life?

[13:10]

So there's a few tests, a few checks that we can offer to ourselves to see if this is the new way of dealing with problems or the old way of dealing with problems. They might include, is there generosity in my dealing with this problem? Moral sincerity, patience, energy, concentration, wisdom. The problem you have today, you know, Could you say that? Could I say that about my problem today? That that's the tools with which I'm approaching it? Generosity, morality, patience, energy, concentration, wisdom. How am I approaching my problem? If I'm approaching it as a bodhisattva, I think I'm not missing my life while I have the problem. I'm not using the problem as an excuse to hold back.

[14:16]

my life think another quality of the Bodhisattva having a problem there's many names of many Bodhisattvas I'm not sure there's one called the Bodhisattva having many problems but there could be such a Bodhisattva and there is there are whole books full of the names though Bodhisattva having many problems you know is not using their many problems as an excuse to not be fully alive is not holding back, and is not just looking outward, you know, is not avoiding responsibility for the me part, you know, of the problem. So if we wonder if we're practicing our problem in the new way, in the bodhisattva way, we might ask if we can see that our problem is just our life, and our life is just our problem. and that we're not in any sense waiting for the problem to be resolved in order to start living fully.

[15:23]

So in the Dharma way, in the Buddha Dharma, the way of having problems is that the problems are not an excuse to hold back, and that these problems, these obstacles, just are our life. It's not like your life and then a problem on top of your life. Life is just the problem you have now is just your life. And your life is just the problem you have now. So, you know, this Buddha Dharma, this Dharmic way of having problems does include that we can fix them. We are allowed, I believe still, even at Tassajara, we are allowed to fix our problems. We're allowed to solve the problems. We just check them in a number of ways, you know. We fix them as a bodhisattva, and part of what that means is to fix them without any confusion, without any confusion or any what we call leaking, which is a great word. You probably know what I mean right away.

[16:36]

Leaking, you know, into the future when the problem's going to be fixed and how fully alive we're going to be then. So we have the problem, and we can work with the problem. We do, and we can even fix the problem, but we're not leaking. We're not like waiting for something. We're not looking past the problem to what comes after. This glorious problem-free life, you know, that's right around the corner. Suzuki Roshi famously said to the assembly, people were sitting in a sashin, long periods of cross-legged meditation and were expecting a teaching as is often taught, a teaching on impermanence. So Suzuki Roshi said, Well, this pain you have now, and we all know that this pain you have now is fleeting. In fact, it's so fleeting, you can't even find it. It's so fleeting. It moves constantly. It's always changing. So Suzuki Roshi says, this problem you have now, this pain you have now, will go on for a very, very long time.

[17:41]

Settle in, you know. Settle into this problem. Get comfortable. Get intimate with this problem. So, of course, we should deal with the problem. But first, you know, before dealing with it and while dealing with it, we settle into the problem. We settle right here into the painful leg, you know, into the broken heart. We settle into this broken world as the basis for bodhisattvically solving the problem. I don't need this problem. I'm not waiting to be alive for this problem to be over. I'm ready for this problem to be forever. And from that basis, you might have the idea, like, I have an idea. Let's solve this problem. Okay, great. There's no leaking there. There's no leaking because there's no waiting. So, you know, in this ordinary way in which...

[18:44]

Problems are obstacles to be gotten rid of. We do a number of magic spells in this hall. We do some really great and potent magic spells. And one that we do every other morning... is the magic spell for removing obstacles. It's called the Shosai Myo Kichijo Durrani. It's the magic spell for removing obstacles. And it really works if you try it. You chant it, and then there's no obstacles. And I think I can tell you the secret of that magic. the Shosai Myo Kichijo Durrani removes the obstacles by the power of their never having been any obstacles.

[19:53]

So you can chant this Shosai Myo Kichijo Durrani for removing obstacles and the obstacles are completely removed by the power of nothing ever having been an obstacle to anything. What we call obstacle is just our life. There is not like the path and then some obstacles. There's just the path. So I notice in my life, you know, even though I often express commitment to practice, I often express commitment to the Buddha way and my life as a bodhisattva. But then on any given day, that's kind of my general understanding, but on any given day, any given moment, there's usually some excuse operating, some holding back. I'm all about practicing presence in all my activities and practicing the Bodhisattva way.

[20:56]

There's kind of a lot going on today. I was remembering this song, this 1980s gospel hit, which you may all recall. called Tomorrow, The Winnen Family. Beautiful song, really inspired. A gospel song called Tomorrow. And it has this line. It's about Jesus, is that okay? Okay. It says, Jesus said, here I stand. Won't you please take my hand? And you said, I will. It's so beautiful, you know. I will. We just had these Jukai ceremonies, these ordination ceremonies at Green Gulch, and that's the heart of the ceremony.

[22:01]

It's these people saying, yes, I will. I will do this practice. I will not hold back from my life. I will live fully. So apparently Christians do that too. They say, I will. So Jesus is there. He's saying, I'm here. Please take my hand. And you say, I will tomorrow. And you said, I will tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will give my life tomorrow. Such a beautiful song. And I feel that, you know, really, really authentic moment, you know, of like the so-called vow, you know. Yes, I will tomorrow. So, you know, if you prefer the kind of Buddhist flavor, you can imagine the Buddha standing before you, you know, inviting you to leap into this ocean of wisdom and compassion and presence.

[23:05]

A practice of wisdom and compassion of all the Buddhas, you know. Right now, just leap. And you say, yes, yes. I just have to pee, and then I'm going to come back, and then I'm all in, you know. there's always some kind of just one more little bump, you know? So what does it take for us to stop holding back, to just come fully into our life, to let that be now? I've noticed, I've started to imagine physically what I feel goes on in my mind, which is that I have this little yellow pad with me at all times, and on this pad are these pre-written passes, you know? which says something like, I know that you want to not hold back and to fully live your life, but due to the following special circumstances, we're working currently on getting a different life from which we will then not hold back.

[24:10]

And so then I take the, you know, I peel one off and I write in the current circumstance and then I file that. And so I'm off the hook, you know, moment after moment, I'm getting myself, letting myself off the hook. So one of my real inspirations and touchstones in my life is this practice that I've had now for many years of going in as often as I can, sometimes once a week or a couple times a month at least, to San Quentin State Prison where we have a Zen group. And part of what's most inspiring about being there is I see, you know, you walk in and you see this big stack of... of passes, you know, of excuses, ready-made excuses, you know, that are just there to be filled out. Food is terrible. I'm in prison. I'm in a dining cage. To fully accept my life would be like saying that it's okay that I'm in this place, that it's actually not okay that I'm in, you know. So I feel like, please take a pass, you know. If anyone is entitled to take a pass and, like, check out, you know, please.

[25:17]

But they often don't, you know. They're often not using the passes. And then meanwhile, I'm filling them out constantly. So it's really hard to practice in prison. The conditions are really designed to thwart practice. And yet there's these people practicing there who don't just use that out that's available. They say, well, yeah, but I think I'm going to practice anyway. So I'm looking all day for excuses that I could use. And they're like in the middle of excuses saying, yeah, I think I'm not going to do the excuses. I think I'm just going to fully live my life even though it's not at all the life I want to be having. It's not like, oh, if I live my life fully, then it's like, that's like making it okay that I'm here. It's not like punishing the CDCR, you know? Like I'll show them. I'll hold back from my life and not live. And then they'll see how unjust it was to put me in this cage, you know? The only person hurt by that is you for not living your life, you know?

[26:22]

And yet I feel like I'll get them, you know? I'm going to hold back and not live. So I wanted to invite, you know, if you're considering not holding back, just inviting some reflection on what that is. Maybe inviting some care if we're entering this practice of not holding back from our life. Like maybe not holding back from your life doesn't mean just like plow through, barrel in. Might not mean like being loud and bright and singing. Might look like... sitting and walking slowly and speaking quietly. It just means being totally willing to be this person that you are right now. That's not holding back.

[27:25]

To just totally live the life that is ours to live right now in this moment without hedging it, you know? It also, I think maybe... Some of us might notice when we hear don't hold back from your life, don't hold back from my life, but we hear what starts turning in our brain is make a life for yourself that eventually you won't hold back from. Don't hold back from your life. Okay, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to go to like Antaiji, you know? That's the place people like to go to like not hold back later is you go to a really strict temple somewhere where you won't hold back anymore. So this not holding back, in the Buddhist sense, does not have a later. There's no later involved. Okay, don't hold back. If there's any kind of later, if that spurs some idea about what you're going to do, like, after this talk, I'm going to start. That's not it. It's now. It's don't hold back from being exactly who and where you are now.

[28:31]

As the Winnin family says, tomorrow, Who promised you tomorrow? That's a good one. Tomorrow. Who promised you tomorrow? You think you get tomorrow? Upon finding the boat of human life now, cross the great river of suffering. Oh fool, there is no time for sleep for this boat is hard to catch again. Shantideva. In other words, tomorrow? Who promised you tomorrow? Just moment after moment, not holding back. Not waiting for anything. Making no excuses. And so my prayer and my wish and my request for all of us is that we stop using these problems that we have as excuses for not being fully alive.

[29:48]

That we stop half... practicing, you know, that we wake up from half living. And when we do that, when we stop holding back, we might in that moment understand the most profound truth of Zen, which is that we never have been holding back. So this is what the Buddha Shakyamuni saw on the morning of his enlightenment. He saw the morning star and he... He stopped holding back completely from being just guy under a tree. He was just totally guy under a tree with no hedging. And he saw the morning star. And he was guy under a tree seeing the morning star with nothing held back. And he said, oh, I've never been holding back. And no being has ever been holding back. There's no such thing as holding back.

[30:50]

there's just life completely living life completely exerting life only people are so confused they don't see it but in fact there is no holding back as Dogen says you know speaking from the same understanding he reminds us that it's a whole half a grain of rice there's no half of anything there's no half a grain of rice it's a whole half grain of rice so that's like our life you know It's a whole half grain of rice. So when we say, you know, don't miss it. Stop making excuses. Stop holding back. We can understand that there is no missing it. There is no holding back. We are just life exerting life. And the way we see that, the way we honor and express and enact that is by not holding back. So just don't hold back and maybe you'll see, you know. or celebrate that there is no holding back. There's just life, totally exerting life.

[31:56]

What does that mean right now, to not hold back? To know that there is nothing held back. Are the crickets holding back? And to practice to vow to not hold back from our life. As the only way to honor the basic truth that nothing ever has been or will be held back. grateful for your wholehearted attention any good that's come of our gathering tonight we wholeheartedly dedicate to the liberation of suffering beings thank you thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the san francisco zen center our dharma talks are offered free of charge and this is made possible by the donations we receive your financial support helps us to continue to offer the dharma

[33:16]

For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving.

[33:22]

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