i've thought about coming here tonight quite a bit
at first i thought i'm just gonna go in there and wing it

there's a line and one of sabrina's movies that lingers little rugrats says i'm a big brave dog
and
so that was a good feeling
and then i wrote you a letter
so
this is my wing

a buddhist practice is to practice in the same manner as the entire universe and all beings
if it is not practice with all beings it is not a buddhist practice
this been so
all buddhas from the moment of attaining realization
realize and practice the way together with the entire universe
and all beings

i think what doggedness talking about here and this is my idea is that
each of us
including
coming along with
belonging to the entire universe
here's what is meant by buddha
nothing is excluded
and that also means that
all of us include each other
and that no one is left out
there is a a rule at my daughter's school it's posted on the wall and in big letters and it says everyone can play
what cats rule
so if the kids make up a game and they say no you can't play and all the children say know everyone comply
so i think this is buddhists role
everyone can play and that's what i wanna talk about tonight

i wanted to begin tonight by dedicating but i would i've thought about and when i have to say to doris heller
and i didn't know doris very well actually not very well at all
i met her one time in new york city
at her house long long ago
and then often on over the years on when she was with her daughter emma lot
and i liked her she was very spunky lady
everyone seemed to like her
and but i imagined that i didn't have time and my busy life for relationship with doris heller
even after she moved here to got
so i didn't
and years went by

but i did notice that i was aware of the light in her room
the light of the tv or late at night
and friends were visiting her
and the comings and goings of for family and her friends
and i began to feel some regret at the gap between
my house and her house
because we were neighbors
one time emma was going away for a few weeks and she said to me this would be a good time for you to go visit my mother
and i said i would be happy to do that
and when i said it i meant it
but things came up and i was busy and had other things to do and on time and find the emma was back and i had missed my chance to go visit with doris
and then mls said in her am on the way i
well why didn't you go see my mother i can't believe you didn't go see my mother
but it's all right she just assumes you don't like her
and i was kind of a horror stricken because be
i really don't want to hurt anybody
not really
and i imagined that i had and i imagined that i was forever unwelcome

and then a few weeks ago while i was in mill valley running around i had this thought that i would like to go visit doris
and i saw myself going to smith and hawken and buying a flowering plant and taking it to her door and when she opened the door i would be there smiling saying i'm sorry i'm late for my visit you know this is a year later
but somehow i lost courage and i felt afraid that i wouldn't be welcome
the soil a division pass
and i went on with what i was doing
so the next time that i saw doris was the day she died
the same day that i was to receive dharma from my teacher
and i went to tourists his house on that day and i knelt by her bed and i whispered to her that i was sorry i had missed our is it
and that i did like her very much and wish her well
ha
and those those words came from what emma later was to name her deep pit of regret

so in many ways this experience with doris was one of the most poignant lessons of my six week study period
and i had had this lesson before with other people in my life other family members other friends
but i'd never gotten it on the point of the dharma staff
so i would like to say in front of all of you that i received this teaching with both hands
and i want to promise that i will not miss another
magnificent life
that appears in my small corner of the universe
and i want to include myself in
when i think i'm bringing it up with you because i'd like your help and doing this and remember in this vow
when we meet here the coffee tea area
along the path
face to face
hart to hart heritability to irritability

amylin i have promised one another that we're going to have tea regularly
for doris
and for emma and for me and for all of us

so time's a wasting and soon all of us will be dead
right here in this all purpose room today we had another funeral through
very handsome strong young man
a good friend
birth and death is a grave matter
don't waste time
so some of us were noticing
that the to people who seem to be the most com
an unaffected by all the suffering and sweetness and the hell house this week
where doris herself
and little baby leonard
have you met little baby manner
so there they were on the two ends of the spectrum just entering this life and just leaving his life and they were perfectly content
both of them com and accepting oh
these others handling them and washing them and changing their diapers
no problem
and it wasn't hard for me to go up to tourists into whisper sweet nothings in her ear
while she lay there and mobile and beautiful
and it wasn't hard for me to hold baby leonard in my arms
snuggling without any stranger ness or separation
i think the problem is for those of us in between
the start of life and the end of life
we big humans
we don't find intimacy such an easy thing to handle
so am
there was a line that kept running through my mind off and on during the six week study period
that i found in the book of serenity and it's part of a verse in case number ninety eight
which is called doesn't always close
so i'm gonna read you that first and i want to talk about a little bit
this is by a john master name young
and
even though it sort of indicates that his understanding innocent quite complete it says it's sort of too much in there
smoke think it s
ah still
ah very interesting to me
the first line is this closeness is heart rending if you search outside
why does ultimate familiarity seem like enmity
from beginning to end the whole face has no color or shape
still your head has asked for by chaussure

time not so sure what this is all about but i'm gonna try to understand it
and i tell you what i thought about this burst this point
the first line again as this closeness his heart rending a few search outside
so what i thought i miss that actually we do have a good feeling for this particularly from our time sitting
you know a few are to consider right now
how it is for you in the present moment in this present one right here in this room right now
all the qualities
the flashings
considering
the light sound
coming natural born after the other
so in that moment that we call the present moment
can you find anything
that you can appropriate
as yourself
do you still have it

how about now
so if you can if you can find anything then what is it that you're going to leave as outside of yourself
this closeness his heart renting a few searched outside of yourself
where is the boundary or the line that separates
the light from your eye the sound from your ear
the feelings from your body
the thoughts
from your mind
where are you not included
with everything

it's a pretty easy for us to know about this to experience this but i don't think it's so easy for us to understand it
and partly because we have been told for so long that were separate
so this idea of non separation
it's a little unusual idea for us now
we've been told the opposite
i'm over here year over there there's two of everything pierce right and wrong
good bad light and dark up and down have done right
me and you
alive and dead
and they don't meet
that's what we've been taught

but this is not the buddhist way
the buddhist way is that there is nothing that you can get ahold of
and that there is nothing that you can push away
there you are smack dab in the middle of everything
as glenda the good said tomorrow the evil one
begone you have no power here
and this is true of all notions of an independent isolated self

even the dead come back to life in our aching hearts
and then are beating drums
there's another story in this same case
conversation between dong son who is tarzan in japanese esther
the big toe of soto an
and he's talking with tom master so sean ren
and from the sound of it this is sort of like godzilla meets rep tar
and the way i heard it it's another angle on this being completely honest with yourself about the present moment about your experience in the present moment really honest
what do you really know
what's really happening
as we sit an eyeball the birth canal
and watch how this thing we call ourself and this thing we call the universe
continuously
like a great blue whale
what's
so master seussian men as the great teacher dong son please teach me a word which doesn't yet exist
don't trump says
no
no one would agree
sushi says then can it be approached or not
think present moment can it be approached or not
don't and says can you approach it right now
susan says
if not still there is no way to avoid it
there you are right back in the money
don't shun agreed with him
this closeness that they are speaking of his heart rending if you search for it outside
he will never find it there you will never find it anywhere
like the scarlet pimpernel
so seeking itself is already a mistake
i know this pretty well myself i have the dharma name dawson which means ways he came heart
how always looking
so then why does this ultimate familiarity seem like enmity enmity the same word is enemy
why does this ultimate familiarity seem like enmity
why does my family look like my enemy
this is my car
every time i'm afraid
doubtful
so i think some of you know the answer already
i think i'm beginning to understand
and it has to do with giving up everything
all of our favored preferences and use and notions and concedes
and putting them all into the fire of justice
present mama

this sacrifice into the great fire is called the great desk
and of course anyone who encourages you
to die is your enemy
i even wrote in one of the papers that i gave to reb part of our studying together
something like cannot bodhi dharma get her big ugly face out of my house
of course once bodhidharma goes we miss him terribly
who just like emperor will
who was that guy
he says to his attendant
and as attendance has that was the great mass have for of hello kitty's bar
transmitting the buddha mind seal
and even if you send ten thousand soldiers who can't bring it back
talk about the deep pit of regret

so poor emperor wu was searching outside of himself
him his big self
i think this is part of the attention that we all feel living together here at green gulch just everything about this place
defies our preferences our desires and our personal way of life
and i don't like getting up at four o'clock in the morning
i'm serious i really don't like it
and i'd don't like honey coated temper
and i don't like being told that my beloved tent that i call the pavilion is ugly and has to be taken down
this raw true story

someone once said that the best way to find your imaginary self his one-year blamed or falsely accused
call me
there it is
sabrina brought home another teaching from her kindergarten
i wish i could go there actually advocate with her an awful lot they have a game they play in their circle in the morning and one child points the next one and serves you took the cookie from the cookie jar and the child's says who me
couldn't be yes you
and then they said well who took the cookie from the cookie jar roberta took the cookie from the cookie jar cool me guess you couldn't be then who
rick took the cookie from okay now we know that's true he's in there all the time alone with a cookie jar
so it goes like that they pass the heat from under the other
i think big people like that came to
from beginning to end the whole face has no color or shape this is the third line
so in this line my feeling is that we're moving into the deep end of the pool of our being
to the line in the heart sutra where form is emptiness
and at this level of our experience when we're being completely honest and and completely aware completely quiet
pygmy present
when our body and mind of themselves have quietly rolled away
there is no come in or going
there is no birth or death
no eyes no ears no nautilus no tongue by now like that song
in fact everything in the whole universe is freed from our imputations
our trips that we lay on everything
our stories
there is just inhalations and exhalations
like a great green turtle on the open ocean
just wonderful wonderful
still our head as asked for by joshua
last line
this is really yucky key line
because just when you're getting really quiet and peaceful
i'm chilled out
they come for you
they come for the ordinary person
nancy schrader would you please go up in front of the class and tell them what you've been doing for twenty years had sent center
why say i'd rather not
however
master chao sean has sent for my head
and so has
master shakyamuni buddha and master show a cushion area bioshock
because they can only live
if i'm willing to take the assignment
hit the buddha dharma does not live outside of our
tiny little selves

just as doris heller had no life outside of all of those people that she loved
and this goes for everyone in this room
it's your responsibility
nobody else

each morning and i made my rounds his last few weeks
three thirty
i walked by all of your rooms
and i imagined you all in there's sweetly sleeping away
him one morning i had our kennedy image of you have cloud hall as a giant incubator
and they're all these little egg shaped dharma jewels being kept warm and safe

does that wing again caught caught
and i've heard that if
the baby chick waits too long the come out that it starts to rot
on the other hand if it comes out too soon
it doesn't know how to breathe very well with all of the suffering in the world

so i don't know if i'm ready or not
but i am deeply grateful to my teacher
tensions and key then g rare manderson roshi
for his teaching and as patience
and his behaving as if i am
and i am grateful to my dharma sister man winter
for her gift of put us robe
and to my dharma brother mio leahy
who showed me the way
and my dharma my brother type and layton who literally left his house full of shit to come and help me and be my gisha for a week
and to my dharma sister live and hunt
who said she be here and i think she might be that i don't know where
for her years of friendship
and to my time and brother
teo lipscomb for doing absolutely nothing
and to he far
and diana and japan
grace and serrana
and not at all last
to all of you for living here with me
in this amazing place called green gulch far
on a foggy foggy coast of california

whoa and stewart stewart travis for the rocks
by what delusion to we believe our body and mind is apart from all buddhas of the three worlds such delusion
his groundless
thank you very much
a