I vow to taste the truth of the Tathāgata's words. Good evening. Last week, I went to Tassajara to help with the ceremony called the Dharma Transmission Ceremony, which was for Thaygen Dan Leighton. He and Tenshin Red Anderson enacted the ceremony

[01:02]

together, and my role was called preceptor or instructor. So part of the initiation is receiving teachings, and as with all initiations, all true initiations have certain parts to them, including what you might call ordeal, or some physical difficulties that's part of the ceremony, and teachings are received during the ceremony, and then there's often seclusion, there's some time of seclusion, so there's certain elements that show up in all different cultures for all different kinds of initiations. And it was wonderful

[02:09]

to be at Tassajara. It's springtime, the maple blossoms are out. They don't make maple blossom tempura anymore, too much fat, nothing fried. We used to take the maple blossoms when they were very young, new, and make tempura batter, and that was a very special lunch in the Zendo, tempura with maple blossoms, but it's gone the way of all things, I guess. And I was looking forward to going down there, participating in the ceremony, and we had had a one-day sitting on Monday, and then Monday night was a class, and I left Tuesday morning pretty early, got up and packed and went down, and as I was driving down, I began to get a headache and not feel so well, thinking that it was just, you know, just the rigors of getting

[03:11]

up early in a long drive and so forth, but I got sicker and sicker. When I got to Tassajara, I got very, very sick. So my plan had been to arrive, get right into helping with the ceremony and working with Thay Gien, and Mae Asan was down there as Jisha and working with her, and rev and seeing Tassajara people, and there was a ceremony scheduled for that afternoon wherein I would be shown my new seat as the Avis, since I hadn't been there since being installed. So there was a ceremony planned, and I got so sick I couldn't do anything. I couldn't go to the ceremony, and I ended up going to bed, just crawled into bed and got sicker and sicker, and it was a 24-hour thing. So it was over by the next day, right about the same time as I went down, but it wasn't supposed to be that

[04:17]

way, right? I was supposed to arrive with great dignity and, you know, the Avis comes down from Green Gulch to help with the ceremony, and at Tassajara in particular, for those of you who have been there, to go to bed, you know, at Tassajara, is a big deal, and that's what I did. And while I was lying in bed in the stone three, I couldn't move. I was nauseous, so I couldn't move very much, and these angels came into the room, and they moved through the space. They made a fire, and they gave me homeopathic medicines, and they made sure I had enough blankets and tea, and they would hover about wearing black robes, you know, in the darkness, and the kerosene lamp smelled so terrible because I was nauseous, you know, so they got a special lamp that didn't, that was a battery lamp, and I was just taken care of. So while I was lying there in bed, I thought, okay, kid,

[05:27]

now's the chance to practice ekohensho, turn the light back, you know, this is what you've been talking about for the last week, so here you are in this dire situation, so now let's see if you can do, put your money where your mouth is, so to speak. So I tried to turn the light back, but I was so sick, I couldn't focus, and I couldn't, my intention was just, things were so changed, because it was very violent, throwing up and so forth, I could not find my way, you know, which is what they say, you know, what you read that on your deathbed, or when you get close to death, it's very hard to practice, you know, it's very hard, because the changes come so rapidly, and there's disorientation and dissolving of

[06:35]

your usual sense of the way things are, and this was just this mini, mini meeting with that, you know, I actually haven't been that sick in a long, long time, but it was just 24 hours, and then I woke up, that I slept in, and it was gone, you know, there was well-being coursing through, so this was a big encouragement for me to practice hard, and this idea, this isn't how it was supposed to be, I was supposed to, you know, arrive with dignity, I was supposed to, is, you know, we can think in that way about what's happened to us, what our life has been like,

[07:37]

it shouldn't have been this way, it's not fair, and that, I feel that that kind of thinking is not very helpful thinking, it almost robs us of actually practicing right now, not that we don't study our lives, and study the patterns, and so forth, but the kind of mind that says, but there was supposed to be an alternative to this, to just this, I think undermines our way-seeking mind, or undermines our practice, and it reminded me of speaking with my mother, who, after my dad had a stroke, and was paralyzed, and partially paralyzed in a wheelchair, and they couldn't drive, and they

[08:38]

had to move into an assisted living situation, she often said, you know, we never thought it would be this way, we would, we never, never thought we would end up living in a place like this, even though it was a very nice place, still, communal meals, sort of like Zen Center, you know, you have your own place, but then you, you go to the dining room for the meals, and she would say that, we never thought it would be this way, who would have thought, really, this was a kind of refrain, which I think made it harder to be there, actually, and just making the best of, or finding out, or studying what this is, what assisted living practice is, there was kind of a loop of, it wasn't supposed to be this way, we were supposed to, I don't know what, what dreams

[09:40]

and fantasies we entertain about how it's supposed to be, how we're going to end our days, so I was reading in this book called The Wholehearted Way, which is a translation of Dogen Zenji's Bendo Wa, Wholehearted Way, translated by Taigen Dan Leighton, and with a commentary, Taigen Dan Leighton with Shouhaku Okamura-san, and this is a translation of Bendo Wa in commentary by Uchiyama Roshi, who is Shouhaku Okamura's teacher, and he's talking about death. I think before I want to read this part, he was saying how when he's gotten older and it's harder to

[10:43]

sit zazen as you get older, and he mentions there's just a few priests he knows who are like over 65 or in their 80s who do zazen still now, but often it becomes too difficult as we get older. So he was doing another practice of chanting the name of Kanzeon, or Kwan Yin Bodhisattva Kanzeon, and so he says, when we are, it is almost impossible to eliminate selfish desires. When we are driven to the last extreme, it is only natural to scream for help without thinking. It is absolutely all right to scream for help in such situations, and yet in reality, in most cases, no one will come to help us. In the

[11:48]

reality of life, we scream, help me. Since this is the reality of life, we should be purely as we are. Just screaming is enough. When we suffer, when we have a hard time, or when we are in a desperate situation, we just chant Namu Kanzeon Bodhisattva in the same way. So his practice of Namu is like homage to Kanzeon Bodhisattva, and Kanzeon is translated as the Kan means to observe, or see, or contemplate, and Kanzeon, the cries of the world, we often hear it translated as to regard the cries of the world, or to observe the cries of the world, to contemplate or see, and Ujjyama Roshi translates it a little differently. He says to see the sounds of the world, to see the sounds of the

[12:53]

world. So the suffering of our world, the suffering of people we love, our own suffering, to have the mind of Kanzeon that regards this, that watches, observes, contemplates, and listens to the cries of the world. Part of this observing is listening. So he has a practice of chanting Namu Kanzeon Bodhisattva over and over, and he feels there is a way of chanting without gaining idea, without trying to change your circumstances, just a cry of help, just crying out, or this scream of suffering, and he sees, Ujjyama Roshi feels that this kind of chanting is not different than Zazen when done with no gaining idea, no seeking for anything

[14:05]

different, no alternatives, just the reality of your crying out. So today I got a call from my sister, my mother, just this is an update on my mother's situation. She fell and broke her hip in December and has been in a nursing home for about four months, and Monday she was moved to a new assisted, my father died this summer, and she is by herself in a new assisted living place near to where my sister lives in Chicago. And I had been there in the summer packing up her stuff, sorting, throwing away, reading old letters, giving to goodwill, giving away plants, and all those of you who have done this for your parents, it's a huge job, and she wasn't able to help at all because she was in the nursing home with this broken hip.

[15:08]

So here my sister and I did this and packed it up, and it's been in Chicago waiting in the moving van storage until she was ready to leave the nursing home, which she was able to heal, she's walking again. And so my sister, we found this place, a beautiful apartment in the assisted living place in Chicago, and my sister moved her stuff in, and our idea was, let's get it so that when my mother walks in the door, it's her apartment again. And all her things that she's familiar with, and the pictures on the wall, and the candy in the candy dish, and the clothes in the drawers, and the towels, and the toilet paper, and the whole thing done. And that's what my sister did with friends and her husband, and they worked like little ants unpacking the egg cup collection all in the shelf, and the whole thing.

[16:10]

My sister would call me to keep me posted how she bought the candy for the candy dish. I thought that was really the touch, because my mother always has candy in the candy dish. So then she flew to get my mother. She flew to Minnesota, got my mother, had a luncheon to say goodbye to the relatives because they may never see her again. Flew to Chicago. My mother was exhausted. She walked in, and she loved it. It was great. It was all her things, and that was Monday. What's today? Today's Wednesday. So Tuesday didn't go that well. She forgot to take her pills. Various things happened, and then today my sister called me to say it was just terrible. It was terrible. She called her crying. I don't want to live anymore. I'm sorry, Mother, for saying all these personal things. The whole thing fell apart, the whole thing.

[17:14]

And my sister, she wasn't sort of like, after all I did, but it was like it wasn't supposed to be this way. It was going to be perfect. We thought of everything. There was fresh flowers. There was new towels. But no, you know, it's how it is. It is the exact reality of what it is, which is, you know, life is suffering. It's not working out all that well. So we do our best. I was trying to talk with my sister. You did your best. Because, of course, right away is, what could I have done more? Couldn't I have, what, how about, searching in her mind for how to have, couldn't I have done something better? Couldn't I have been more, thought of more things? But no, this is, she did her best.

[18:21]

My mother's probably trying to do her best. I'm sure she's trying to do her best. And still, the reality of our life is we can't control these things. We can't make it happen. We can't manipulate every bit of the environment so it's going to be just fine. It's too, it's out of control. You know, it's just out of control. So how do you practice? You stay close. You don't run away. And you don't know. So the mind of don't know is, all right, now it's Wednesday. And what's needed today, there's no way of getting it all set. So, you know, it makes you want to cry out for Kanzeon, you know,

[19:25]

somebody save me, somebody, can somebody hear the cries of the world here? Can somebody hear who's listening to the cries of the world? And Kanzeon Bosatsu, Kanzeon Bodhisattva, Kuan Yin, Avalokiteshvara is another name for this same Bodhisattva who has the mind of compassion. It's just compassion, listening. And in the Lotus Sutra, there's, you may know about the 25th chapter of the Lotus Sutra, is all about the practice of, it's called, this translation says, the all-sightedness of the Bodhisattva, regarder of the cries of the world. And it tells about when you're in trouble and when things are going badly and when there's fire and robbers and all sorts of things, cry out for, call her. Kanzeon is the one who hears the cries of the world or regards them.

[20:29]

It's this observing and seeing. And part of, you know, in the Heart Sutras, Avalokiteshvara, when practicing deeply the Prajnaparamita, this is probably the old translation, clearly saw that all five skandhas are empty and thus relieved all suffering. So Avalokiteshvara, Kuan Yin, is wisdom-seeing, sees with wisdom and has compassion together. So hears the cries of the world and has compassion for those beings who are crying out and yet sees the five skandhas, or what we understand as self, are empty of separate self or own being, but there's compassion there. So that's the kind of Bodhisattva that Kuan Yin Kanzeon is. So I just wanted to read you a little bit from, there's a long chapter,

[21:30]

then it's all said again in verse, which is the way often the sutras are. Listen to the deeds of the cry-regarder, who well responds to every quarter. This is in masculine, so I'll do some masculine and some feminine. His vast vow is deep as the sea, inconceivable in its eons. Serving many thousands of kotis of Buddhas, she has vowed a great pure vow. Let me briefly tell you. She who hears her name and sees her and bears her unremittingly in mind will be able to end the sorrows of existence. Though others with harmful intent throw her into a burning pit, let him think of the cry-regarder's power and the fire pit will become a pool or driven along a great ocean in peril of dragons, fishes and demons. Let him think of the cry-regarder's power and waves cannot submerge him.

[22:34]

Or if from the peak of Sumeru men would hurl her down, let her think of the cry-regarder's power and like the sun she will stand firm in the sky and so on and so forth. This bring to mind the one who hears the cries of the world when you're in trouble. And there's a great... This is a kind of devotion practice, you might say. But we often feel so troubled and so at the end that we don't know anything to do but to scream out or cry out or ask for help, either internally or actually an external cry as well. So the one who hears the cries of the world or observes and this sound seer...

[23:37]

Sometimes Kansyon is called the sound seer. You know, a seer like a prophet or one who has clairvoyance, clear vision, is a seer, but it's a sound seer. It's a seer of sound. So I think that may be where Uchiyama gets the one who sees the sounds of the world because the name can be translated as sound seer. Now, I wanted to play something. We brought this boom box in, which was humorous, I think, to see Matt with the boom box in one hand and the incense in the other because I wanted to play a song that I played once before at a one-day sitting. And I remember Jeanette was here for that one-day sitting and she said afterwards, Boy, is really your party today or something like that. It's a rock and roll. It's a classic rock and roll song that I'd never heard, but some of you may have heard it by Lorraine.

[24:38]

Some of you may have been at that one-day sitting, but Lorraine Ellingson, and she's not that well-known. I'd never heard the song, but on Terry Gross's radio program Fresh Air, a man who was a rock and roll historian brought this record feeling it was the most marvelous rhythm and blues that he'd ever heard. And it was a kind of mistake. She came to a... Frank Sinatra was supposed to do this recording. There was a full orchestra ready for him, but he didn't make it. And so she was there at the recording studio doing something else, and they ended up recording this song with this full orchestra accompanying it behind it. So it's unusual for an R&B song to have this full of background music.

[25:43]

But she... In terms of a cry to the world, you feel like she's putting out this cry and that she can't get any more heartfelt than that, and then she tops that, and then she tops that. So let's see. Should we have the... I think that boombox goes pretty high, the volume. So let's hear it. But if we can't hear very well, we can use my mic. Let's try it and see how it is. Is it not playing? It's... It was right ready to go, so if it's not...

[26:47]

Why don't we rewind a little bit? Technical difficulties. It's moving, but it's not... Why isn't it doing this? Is it on radio or something? No, it's on tape. Do you want to put it on the other side? Let's try that. We're all primed, and now it's... Let's back it up a little bit. No, it's on tape. Why won't you play? But no sound's coming out on radio either. The speaker's plugged in, but no, they don't come out. I think it's not supposed to be this way.

[27:56]

Right, right. Huan Yin, help me. Yeah, it has power. No audio. Do you have a tape recorder, Brent? I can't sing if you're really... Or I would. Oh, how disappointing. Does anybody have a boombox close at hand in Cloud Hall? Aaron? Mine's not too far away. Is it close?

[28:59]

You're not pressing record, are you? Nope. Pressing what? No, no sound was coming out on the radio. Something's wrong with the speakers. Oh, okay. Well, while we're working on that, you know, we've been talking about Eiko Henshaw and turning the light back, and there's a passage in this about Kwanzeon or the sound seer and using sound as a gateway to understanding how to turn the light back. So I was going to tie it all together with that, and I'll just... So the admonition to think of the mind that thinks,

[30:11]

turn the light back and shine it in, the teacher says, but there are many ways of access to the principle. I will point out one entryway by which you can return to the source. Do you hear the cawing of the crows and the chattering of the jays? Do you hear the frogs? And the student says, I hear them. And the teacher says, now turn around and listen to your hearing essence. Are there still so many sounds in it? So the instruction is to turn and listen to the faculty of hearing, your own hearingness. Oh, good.

[31:15]

And the student says, when I get here, all sounds and all discriminations are ungraspable. And the teacher says, marvelous, marvelous, this is the sound-seer's gateway into the principle. So the sound-seer is Avalokiteshvara or Kansayon, and the sound-seer's gateway is to turn back and think of the essence of your own hearing faculty. How are we doing over there? Yeah. Okay, now I don't know where it is on the tape at this point. Let's see. Thank you, Aaron, very much. Yeah.

[32:27]

Jailbait. Oh, this is Jailbait. No, go ahead. Fast forward. You can hear that another time. That's quite a song, too. Okay, let's stop now. Let's see. Oh, go more forward. Okay, try it. Okay, that's Terry and this gentleman talking. Fast forward a little bit. Okay, they just talk a little bit about Lorraine now. Keep going. Soul singer, okay. Okay.

[33:36]

Well, we can hear the commentary. Let's turn it up. Go ahead, then. Okay. [...] Where did you go when things went wrong, baby?

[34:54]

Oh, can't you run to and find a shoulder to lay your head on, baby? Wasn't I there? Did I take good care of you? No, I can't believe Oh, when I was running, running, running Oh, when I was running, running, running I was the one you needed, I can't go on Oh, didn't you touch when we were in the tempest?

[36:03]

I gave you so much, and every time you avoided happiness Baby, what could I do? Maybe, maybe I was too good, too good for you Maybe, maybe I was too good I was the one you needed, I can't go on Remember, this stage will never ever leave me

[37:05]

Remember, remember, I can't give you, can't give you up Remember, I can't give you up, can't give you up Stay with me baby, I'm coming home Please stay with me baby, I'm coming home Don't you hide baby, I'm coming home Stay with me baby, I'm coming home Stay with me baby, stay, stay, stay with me That song, that what, the lyric, you know, she says,

[38:20]

Maybe I was too good for you, didn't I take good care of you? I'm begging you, stay with me. You know, she just, she can't believe he's going to leave her. She just cannot accept it, you know. And it's... Anyway, we feel like this sometimes. I feel like that's how it is for people when they come to practice, actually. It's like that. It reminds me of this painting that Michael Sawyer recently did with this Buddha. Maybe some of you have seen it. And then in the heart is this being that's crying out, you know, in the middle of the Buddha's heart. And... So, how do we find our way

[39:30]

in a world like that? How do we find our way in a world like that? And one's own cries, that observes and stays with, is the Bodhisattva of compassion. It's interesting, I don't feel like talking anymore after listening to that.

[40:48]

Do you feel the same way? Thank you very much. May he have our attention. [...]

[41:17]

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