Way-Seeking Mind

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SF-03570

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Mel the Mini-Series Part 1

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like a vacuum cleaner
how do we have a hand vacuum cleaner planning to give a hand vacuum cleaner or some kind of a concrete we have a vacuum cleaner the right
yeah

but products and need something yeah
compatible fish laid some a share they give me something to hold yeah i just take advantage
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think that
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interested in a as

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he's ready to begin
had to you will come from sharing
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what i can hear
john mostly
a man
the
i used to fall asleep in focus on the
people in really be talking to be it go
after
majority for current my story so far the financial analyst reports
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footnotes are interesting that islam
the
okay well i was born july nine nineteen twenty nine and the los angeles county hospital which is no longer later
and it's somewhere near downtown los angeles
luton in
hollywood until
nineteen forty
nineteen forty one
and then moved to long beach california
until the minutes where i graduated from high school
so
my parents were jewish and their my father family came from the ukraine and my mother's family came from the ukraine my father's family came in the middle of the nineteenth century somewhere
but my father's burn making eighty nine eighteen ninety age
about them
the my mother was born early much earlier bedtime
she is only my father for some reason and
corner
my father my father's family
or ah
kind of intellectual peasants
and my mother's family lived in new york
and they were very sophisticated artists and then
i know my mother's nephew was
zachary solo who was a famous belly dancer
when i mentioned his name to bellator j o y u
but i never met him but
die his parents were deaf and dumb
and i should but he's always fit fit them in the front and they do is to sign language is new at an early really perform so
ah but i lived with my father's family my mother shirley was very remote be has never went to new york yeah know people say you must be from new york people surgery all the time you missed year from new york aren't you can actually know
i've only been in a year ago when didn't go to new york until i was about fifty something so
this but there's something but that didn't know where it is
probably something about my mother's
so
it burned i ushered in the great depression
the derby
during the depression started emerging two thousand and nine and lasted quite a wage and through the thirties and resin really over until world war two and that's mobilized the economy
unfortunately and
so we were very poor and my father worked for the wpa a that was the works project administration which was started by roosevelt roosevelt was the only
president i knew for of up and up until junior high
and
and
beloved roosevelt such as he instructed social security which is now or and under attack
hey right

so
we didn't have very much money we never talked about money and i had a brother my brother was four years older than me
and
it would be kind of depressing time now
children depressing
circumstances
my brother was very
intelligent and talented and his teachers loved him and people were encouraged him and
he
and he was four years older than me and i was kind of admired him you know but he didn't want and having you do with me because i was little brother and i think that he was jealous that i got some attention although he got all the ginger in another way to
we always think the other was getting the attention but i'm so he just ignored me in which is really difficult for me
color you know what are they have a relationship with him but he just would never have a relationship or me so it was really difficult indeed used to beat me to beleive you know
so and my father was really know my parents and they always fed us the there is to care of us
but there was something that wasn't there
you know there's no they're even though we didn't have any money or means my father always provided something for us and we were in my mother's sent me into the butcher to get as a bone for the dog and she put into soup
that's what it would like an invasion
now but we always had know something to eat no and in a very steady home life but there was no why should have you know it is my father was kind of depressed and he had been is it has one
you know
who do what he really talked about a lot which is passed never has present
so is paramount is a child
he lived in philadelphia
and he drove a beer wagon with a team of horses for a loved horses know when he kinda
and when he was in the army during the first were award he was in hawaii
and he had a cadillac
a man this picture of him and cadillac in the nineteen fourteen
and that's what he taught that that was the big high point in his life and the rest of the village
they're just you know something missing there and course and i spent on my time drawing pictures because that was my creative outlet my brother was very talented and so a company my brother you know he boasted dry yourself and the authors
cool i didn't drive from my papers
i i wasn't so interested interested in mathematics are you know any and my clients particularly although i learned something that can i get through school that
ah
i remember one time
when i was in high school and
i was walking from place and had this feeling that this was not my real life
so if i had a that there was a life i knew that was my life but whatever doing with not my life just was not real and that was a very strong feeling i had and i kind of had that feeling
i'm all through school
sure to one incident get really
affected my relationship to my father when i was about sixteen
i think the barely corner to at a gas station had this old car and it was an athletics or something is fishy my twenties car and he said he would sell it to me for fifteen bucks
and i asked my dad if i could have it and children if you earn money you know so i mowed lawns and knowledge you know under current drifting bug should i got many can i get the courage of now i can't put you get the car i understand why wouldn't do it but i didn't understand them
and would just like kind of be trail that i felt
and i've just never respected my father after that
i mean you're going to buy insurance and now
responsibility and so i've started my parents would much i would never
take responsibility for anything that i wanted to do
that that he needed designed for they wouldn't let me play football because you had defined for it and have to sign away you know
because i was just a little guy and you have anybody
playing football in my league and i wanted to do
i was in high school and i ran track and that was nice and
i started smoking when as back twelve
and
i smoked a pack a day up until i was
i'm well up until nineteen seventy three
when it came to for her
i'll tell you about that later
tom
so when i got to do to be around for
i remember one time we were riding in a car reached a joy ride what we call joe wright's in those days you get in the color and take a ride out to san fernando valley which is all orchards at a time and i was sitting in the back in a car with our dog is finish out the way of the window
where we get a dog and
there was a magazine everything as a life magazine and then the makeover the magazine where picture these all these rabbis with big long beards now didn't know where they were exactly but i just felt is terrific affinity with them
yeah it just it just wakened something up in me you know
we were my peppers are not religious at all the whole family was not religious
at one time you know i think i went to in school boards and that was it
but i had this kind of wrong in in me and that was never fulfilled anywhere in sunday school wasn't it either
and then when i saw this picture which is why we can something you admitted some kind of feeling and mean which i didn't understand exactly but i and try to knew what it was
and then i kind of forgot about that and
when i was in high school
i joined the marine reserve this is during the wars with the war started nineteen forty one when i was in junior high and in long beach we were living in long beach at that time and i've never win to war started north squid searchlights going on that everybody had to draw the curtains
a oh have blackout curtains
and every night we'd have to draw the curtains
and then the searchlights you're going on all the time we had gas rationing you had a b and c sticker on your windshield and she had an a sticker you if you get a couple of gallons of gas a week or month or something and be a b c so priority guess
everything you know that lucky strike cigarettes
if you're familiar with those had green circle
and they took the green out and so lucky strike greed has gone to war
after that was like feeling each other with this whole thing the whole country with mobilized
to go to war
and that everything was scared that way and so and my brother was in the army and he went to europe
and you know i had this feeling that you know i wanted to going to get in the army do you know because it was just the thing you learn to do when your kid so i joined the marine reserve when i was in high school
and i used to go out on weekends
to participate
and then when a graduate from high school and nineteen forty seven
i went on active duty for here and a half
and i got the gi bill
i'm
the two things i wanted to be run was
when to being a soldier and i wouldn't be an artist
so i got the soldier thing anatomy me flooded the way
and then i went to art school
so ordering a high school just drew pictures that's all i ever wanted to do
and so i just continue doing that and i went to art school in delay and so i met these two friends and they said will you know the real are in school ends up in san francisco
go they are san francisco school of fine art which is no income of the art institute after a chestnut street
twenty one hundred chestnut street
and so we'll say okay so we moved up to san francisco decision-making nineteen fifty
and i was a lonely
two
i was in the author's name and two thousand and one
i remember walking down the streets of san francisco which were totally different from long beach
lami gel is the houses that the spaces in between green lawns and the san francisco has all the buildings were up against each other in the streets or old dirty and it was cold and
it's totally different drilling but once i got used to san francisco i couldn't go back to los angeles and ages
note i did every time i go back to los angeles i don't recognize it totally different place remember going back some years ago to where i lived in which i felt was his broad intersection and and wide streets they're just as now little place
anyway
so
five
after the
capturing get i'm going to get discharged i went to art school in san francisco calif calibre in school if i know so i took art classes and i met my teacher my art teacher clyfford still was teaching her the time
clyfford still like rothko and and
jackson pollock's the reviews with the big names in what we called an object painting at the time comes
come
abstract expressionism what's the name that the critics gave it but we always called it not objective painting
and
clyfford still
when i first saw his paintings they just completely took me over i was completely knocked down by them and so i took his classes and and that was
what really consume me i remember thinking that i should take
commercial art courses because you know how was i going to support myself if i didn't work if i wasn't working as a commercial artist
it was taking these art courses and it's commercial acres which i had no challenge for no feeling for them at all
the wallpaper you know i don't want to design wallpaper it's
happen
when they're sick
they didn't
but i and then i just got so into the painting that's all i wanted to do and i remember monday saying i don't care if i starve to death i don't care what happens to me i'm just going to pay
and i can do any of this stuff anymore
and that was for me that was a big relief from my life was like it that was where i felt my independence
i was no longer attached to this world as far as
feeling that that i needed to do something in order to be within society and support myself as is a member of society so i took a you know various odd jobs and somehow money always came to be i don't know it's always been know it when i needed something somebody on sugary a check when
arrived from someplace cheap
just the way it has been so i remember when i was going to art school the korean war started
and i was still in the reserved
so one day i got a notice it said
we want you to report to get a physical go downtown and get a physical to
no to go down to san diego to
join the marines
a
i did that and of course i passed and i was packing up and all that bags packed and i went to bed and i got up in the morning and under the door was a letter and the letter said if you want to resign from the reserve send this sign this letter and send it back

so just what i did
when
three unusual and never heard of that
and you ever i think i've always had a guardian angel somewhere
i'm believe that
so ah
i'm and
was going to school and then i got a job my friend and i live in such lido even a barge he's actually no
and we a he he had a job at the simmons mattress factory on bay street
and so at night so you've got me a job can we worked at night for rolling a mattress ticking
and cutting it
ron
when i lived in the from electric cars and
then he said will want you come and live with us in such leader john k so i went we lived on the barge in sausalito
and
image be interesting and kennedy it you only one phone
to the
the way it ended up was
a to r and he flipped out and i was left with
what he had
the
are you not only bad kind of and
so i stayed around here for a couple years and then i still was like twenty one or something you know
the
and
i'm now
so
ha
want some point will finish i'm working
in boccia
the enchanting
yeah i'm working the butcher and i and i now here's what happened
one am i a pena painter friends
should you know i have i got a job as a journey than painter during the or like and you know after you've been an apprentice for four years you can be journeymen should i got a job as a journey with painter in housing project in marine ecology a challenging project
hiring anybody as a journeyman painted because they need painters to stain carports instead you know if you don't have to know anything so i say none and i joined the union if you're new to forty an hour
and those days to forty nine owner was like thirty dollars now
you know like she's incredible paid so
and we drive every day to
and and so that was really good job
i'm gonna show
i i kind of learn that was my beginning to learn how to be a house painter
and then after that i would get jobs with house painters to the union your job that they would teach me on the job you know so i learned a lot about how does painting a supported myself with a house painter
and then
they didn't like it very much
you know it's very hard work
can you have to in the housing project and have you read it you have to paid so many doors a day have been so many window films a day you know it's like in a new working in college i really never did the roller had not been invented
and that's it so it was our prayer and electric sprayer
it was all brush pen and they had we have had wonderful paint brushes which they don't know like making them anymore
many chinese bristle and the bristles when like and limited owns them young
the brush called the forty seven i think it was it was it was a about this slide and a brisk from at that loan and chinese pig bristle and they just as beautiful know papers and so i end the wall brushes were like this paint a wall and it takes it takes the there's a technique to pay the world
because
when when you paint woodwork you go with a grain you can we make the lions go with the rain made you don't leave any brush marks but when you paint a wall there's no green
so you'd just going this
any which when and the there's no way that ago so you have to know these techniques and so
my right arm get very strong
elsa either you learn how to wash brushes women how to wash buckets
so there's no paint lived in the brush when you're done and it's no paint left in the bucket when you don't you can eat out of the bucket
so these are our wonderful techniques when i look around you know it and how we take care of our paint
the sheriff's as me but i've learned to not let it upset me
but i learned to just ignore them and but there was a time and it really upset me
anyway so then i got a job in a boat shop there was this boat up nunez for the first leader
they built errol flynn's yacht the xhaka i didn't remember eventually
my
there were a portuguese
october's and i worked there often on they would let me work she can there was still painting and i was painting i paint huge really big paintings and would spend on time doing that and then i have to go to work so i had the privilege of being able to work when a boat came in to big to paid
i call me up and i come independent you know and then i'd worked for a while and then i'd
in addition to work on my own seven and so i had this job the boat shop which was really good to see the thing about the boat show has been paid ten cents less an hour than has been so don't know how spend would ever do that
because you know maybe twenty cents less an hour
but the work such far more interesting than painting houses
so i learned how to paint boats and all that goes along with and that's difficult painting
because the paint very heavy with oils oils are very heavy and if you don't spread the pain
a evenly in our zags
so anyway
i enjoyed doing that but i have to say that i did there for about six years and i was always covered in paint our though is covered in acetone and this is when
this is what i'm fiberglass first came out and so we were fiberglass and the bottom of bulge and sandy at all and all these fiberglass that was just me enveloped in fiberglass dust and paint dust and copper dust and
nothing ever happened to me
huh
it's a man
then i left i left a barge and i went to san francisco
and
i met my first wife
and she lived in the room that was painted black
and she had green hair
and she wore her dresses inside out
how when she was a poet
and we really connected
here's what year and fifty something this is still the fifties maybe fifty five or something like that
i was twenty five think
twenty four twenty maybe twenty three
i think some of them
a
because i wasn't going to school anymore
then
so then we moved into a little
room
and we had a lot of for ingenuity where she was a poet and i was a painter and we win in north beach and really struggling to get along the moved him at each other
we knew all the other poets and painters in has been each of their time and
so we lived that life or something then we moved to the mission
who are television and twenty third and shall vanish
hum
an apartment upstairs i kept the door wide open all night we had this great dog and just let it go out at night know
and room around
those dumb really dumb but i do
and when we were in the third floor and i just let the door wide open all night nobody ever came up nothing ever happened we never liked our doors until two seventies succession it's it's true i never locked my door ever told on the seventies no matter where i live
in the reagan reagan reagan era when people are breaking down doors
true
and
so what happened oil films
around that time when happened
hmm
but i was thinking about my painting you know when i think about with a painting i was doing which is what we call not objected painting another in there was no
representational figure
was non representational painting to independent itself stood for it had it's own meaning
the the shapes and and movement and color be revoked it's own meaning
and so you always on the edge of create creativity because you were not copying anything and
in new york and creating something out of
and almost out of thin air
but you'd create
relationships
so
ah my much i shot that my painting was always
i was trying to get some kind of spiritual feeling in my training
and can shoot that's i was driving me and my painting and i knew what i would you know what i really wanted
up to a point and but it's also frustrating because since there's nothing
to copy you always have to have something
from inside it's coming out so what
and you have to know it's easy to get fellow right
this way painters and musicians
drinking it and get in snow and you don't because there are times when it gets so fellow that you have to have something to fill you up
cancer and i remember seeing other people's paintings who didn't quite understand the same feeling i have and to me they were just
decorative
and i can never paint anything that if our decorative or i show was valid as a decorative painter in addition the decorative do it some other way don't don't file this kind of don't do file this kind of painting with as as decoration and
so i was really been are intimately teachers way of thinking
but that should be very well so i was really drawn to his way he was still was
you know it
ah
here we show that he was fighting the art wars
he would say he would go to the east coast the the east coast new york you know is where the art world's arm and then come back to san francisco to rest
well i had a good relationship with him but he went he was in new york a lot and i never had a need a feeling for going to new york and i shall i always felt that wherever i needed i would find where i was i never
melted if i went somewhere i find something or i didn't have to go someplace to find something and i knew it i was on a big search for something which i didn't know what it was but i knew that it was where i was somehow and i was shocked the california was a great place to be
and i never had any desire to go anyplace else so i don't know why but
just the way and we felt
so
ah
as get some point
i started to feel
this just kind of don't need for religious
an outlet you know there's something in me and it was sure i knew it was searching for some spiritual
way
and but i couldn't find it i never happen
someone turned me onto the hasidic tales of martin buber and then you've ever read those but this is like jewish spirituality and mysticism nodded yeah mystical realism
i'm in town these are like the jewish mystics and of the nineteenth and and an eighteenth century
and it was all very inspiring to me now i'm totally turned on and inspired by it and i shot at budget there was nothing like that no place you can find that and in san francisco bay area he was some
the judaism of that time was so anti spiritual and he couldn't find a spiritual person of spiritual leader
our congregation or anything i did it was just that it was all materialistic totally materialistic and which is the thing that i hated about judaism was that it was so materialistic
sell it
no i had this kind of love hate relationship
because i felt like you know i showed something very deep about judaism but at the same time i shall do it
it was so corrupt
that and materialistic and
kind of careless in a way that
i couldn't connect with it
but i really connected with the and said entails and so i just imagined myself
by myself
following a kind of pass by myself that it was great you know i really i went through a lot of changes and i was totally supported by my wife to do that and

and studied a little bit of kabbalah and a bit of
now take the leader mysteries and
i realized at that time that
the great meaning of all is mysticism
was just be a person
just chemical and jewish just be image
that's how you have to do that's what the whole thing means so when i met suzuki roshi and he said beginner's mind i knew right away
you know but that was and totally connected with it
so
wow
then i'd find a rabbi who has pledged english from germany he was nice he and his wife
but and and
my wife roots and i got married he made us
and
and so much stuff as center in happened we were still in the our community in on women are for engine can we are trying to change
and
i also started getting it in music
and in a chance on my life you know i can remember when it was little kid
and my brother asked me what what do you like best
popular music or classical music
i found it
i think i like classical music better
they can i shifted that way
they say go to a little kid in junior high a good at a library after school and listened to classical music records you can we didn't have a photograph
rated television has now been admitted
it was invented but it wasn't used
i knew this person to and and tell them who had a television said she said when television them when there's a television says you'll be able to see

and then when did come in with wrestling
petrol event is tv was wrestling
believe me
well it

so i started getting it and reading a lot and
def about be known
somebody give me a book of my hundred maharshi
and i really got off from behind them maharshi you know just glued to hit those books that would keep coming up from india he died in nineteen fifty
fifty headache and it his disciples were printing his trip as of his life and i just read them avidly and really got off and net and so i wasn't new israeli kind of wonderful mystical stayed you know i would have a makeup mantras
and on the only and if one were going on you know and i just for really high so high on this
the mantra and
ten am totally dedicated to whatever doing
and i felt like
i'm for like this mr cuno
and then i got a job driving taxi cab
so that that was really good job i wanted was to drive a cab i really wanted to do that and i didn't have a further six years i did everything for six years
joe the cab for six years and i was
i started out with yellow and then yellow cab he had to yellow cab was owned by
rothschild many rothschild who would win in the rothschilds and they call him the rabbi to taxi drivers and
and wonderful thing about taxi driving is a new earn you get so much money every night and then you turn in your money and they give you half of the back and cash so it's all cash everything was cash and fifty fifty you know it really good really nice every
no you get paid what you have a what you earn
but you kept your tips
so
i'm
and then i got to preparing for desoto can i told him that i was not as needed one
primary i wanted to work part-time show the nice guy and she okay into that and so i did that really good for years
and
so i just go in whenever i wanted to whenever i needed some money and just go in and work
he was great
cash on line to know when i never felt that i i needed money money to my parents never talked about money they never taught me anything about money and so i had no
i would work
for my mother when you give me a dollar when i was in high school a dollar way to do laundry
try did have an a dollar for the week and then she gave me twenty five sheds for the bus fare to going to school to go to school the and hitchhike you keep the twenty five cents for spending money
and that was all money i him so i never i always got along without money i save money when and when i see how kids are in a day it just boggles my mind that and parents give me the june on this money and all these things
he he charges twenty dollars a month
and then and to resented her while he reduced in it
such as db does he like that so much
so there is it didn't look that it was
so
service
one bowl was that my wife had lot of poetry and cinema the fingerprints and this one
friend of hers was or what her best friend
a very eccentric wonderful guy
he was always turning me onto things you know it i didn't intend to warn them by the my husband and he also gave me a topping of the plants one suture this little brown
topping the first edition of the plants on as
one willem translation incident should read this so i read in the really turned me on to zen but
and then the chip and external man spiritual horizons and hasn't turned me onto this
george seals bookstore on posted was the only place he said for instance metaphysical bookstore that had any buddhist books are no spiritualist books and so i say go in there are a lot and is to get these books on spirituality
which were really did
and the vegetarianism and
the time to carry yourself and in accord with spiritual practices and there were all american stuff you know published the chance on the midwest and
just the the ground is this america you know and sides studied in interested in that center stuff
in some theosophical stars and
so there was this guy who to sort this man for a white beard and very clean since they were clean he was
and there was mr williams and he dabbled in that attention and and theosophical bugs and he knows little bit but areas and and so
yes and said well if you want to learn how to meditate by i'll show you some sense and so he showed me some ways and meditated but the breads and looking at a candle and i really liked that you know that some meditation was a word that always appealed to me but i never knew anything about it so i was
is when toward meditation as i was really drawn to that so i worked with him for a little while and mmo and tanzania don't see this reverend suzuki
at the incident temple but i never went imgur
am
and then i met so wilson
silver and was zippy roche's one of his early students
was a silver since just indescribable
that he was a football player at stanford
and just as he had had polio when there's a good and he built himself up and it was no pesky guy steinem
the is a key here
and security ordained him
send him off to japan
but when he came back from japan you can practice anymore
and just went to hollywood and became a gorilla in the plan of the apes
here
sounds like branch
good so it's very level of island show as he as in through the use and with a totally degenerated been
he was so in love with this recognition he just
and suzuki or used to beat him on time and instinct the ego big ego energy did have
sir philip came to our house and was talking about you know this is zen temple i go to you know and it's as if a teacher there and in right age to read some books on in but
dc suzuki is barrel and was the time the library it so koji was but this big was one about three shelves
there were no his books to sneak out at that time
no
anyway
so
ah
can you eat and i got interested in but i still didn't go to the to be zendo which is a mystery
then
delicious
of good friend of ours
daniel more
in a day more than a friend of ours was like new younger than me and
i don't know if you remember diana first to anniversary she was in peyton place for the movie
of it's one of those movies plenty of venture down about but at the time it was the movies you know and she was the star of peyton place
and she left hollywood
and
she fell in with us you know became our friend and and then you were married her sister then it was a poet
and he had this
troupe called the floating lotus creator james just go with it was just as while you know poetry dance music
you know do your thing you know
creator
it would just perform spontaneously you over the place
and so he was the director that and so i was in his house
when she left me
and i was old how she came around and the corn or and sailing ship and it was built the middle block
vegetarian and earn phone and video joinery i was there with him and we were smoking pot all night
and i started smoking grass in the fifties
and
ha i had the still love hate relationship with
paranoia and but but i would smoke pot i would get these wonderful spiritual trips you know that i smoke pot and or to have these wonderful spiritual trips that that was when it did for me so that's where my mind was so of the purchased enhance on
at you know but it's also
top heavy and spiritual heavy and i didn't have any grounding
can i needed but i knew it was drowning i had all the spirituality and needed but the groundings what i didn't have and so like i would i would get really high spiritually i'm just get tossed around in my life and i didn't have any way to control my life
and
sir daniel worse and you know i i going to this zen temple
you turn about that place
because i go early in the morning and it was a vet i was five forty
georgia was fine for and so we walked up fillmore street who and five a tribe morning and my little black dot with me
it to so koji and somebody we need to make there is is rumors in a bedroom with to tommy's around the edges run the than
love and alter covering woodside
and a dominion
on sat down traced the wall and then somebody came up behind me and i adjusted my posture and showed me how to hold my hands and not saying you were just a feeling of touch
and new suzuki roshi course and i was sitting there and just as wonderful and here i am just sitting here all by myself
for nothing else but you know
this war and the seat in his place and this
ha
it just felt like coming home or something you know because
right there so
that was my first time for gorgie
and it's time to stop
so hard to some other
cause that's right yeah that was the last time that i smoked pot
item number
huh
antenna
mayhem there was nineteen sixty four

okay thanks

yeah