This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. We heard yesterday some of the experiences people were having in Sashim. Emotional... feeling strong emotions. And I've been hearing from people about, you know, their relationship to the forms of sesheen and anger coming up and anger at fellow practitioners, at oneself, with me. So this aspect of our practice is very important to pay attention to.

[01:11]

Our emotional life that is flowing, rising and falling, and needs just as much attention as the breath flowing and rising and falling. Sometimes we may have some idea that we privilege certain things we pay attention to and the other things they can fend for themselves or something. So if there's a strong emotion that's coming up that we can pay attention to that. And the careful attention to the flowing of emotions, I think, you know, teaches us all the teachings of the Buddha, you know, impermanence, no abiding self, suffering, and peace.

[02:24]

I saw this wonderful video of His Holiness the Dalai Lama in a talk he was giving. Maybe it was a panel. Anyway, someone was speaking about something and he began to cry and sobbing at what the person was telling him about their life or what was being experienced. Some suffering and His Holiness just was filled with sadness and sobbing and crying. And then in the next moment, almost like somebody said something else and big laughter and joy and this ease and free-flowing of emotion as just our life energy taking these different forms. It was such a wonderful teaching of freedom, the freedom of not being caught in one or the other as the real thing or the most important thing.

[03:35]

But when the causes and conditions are ripe for gladness and happiness, you're right there. And this freedom of expression. So I think that buoyant quality and vibrant ability to Feel the feelings, but not get caught in anything extra, the stories around it, to feel what comes up and let it go. Although with emotions, they can tend to stay, feel like they're staying longer. You know, we can have a slow burn of anger that we keep fueling, actually. We fuel it with the stories around it And we make meaning, meaning-making about what that look or that comment or that omission of a look or tone of voice or what it all meant.

[04:47]

And then we make story, then we add to it and react. So Sashin is such a wonderful time to be able to, if we stay within the forms of Sashin, there's no... I mean, we can act it out. You know, you can, I suppose, serve somebody with anger, you know, their cereal, and the person receiving that will like, whoa, what just happened there? It can be communicated, but for the most part, if we're staying within the forms of sashim, we actually can study it and watch it arise and fall, arise and vanish, dissipate as as the day goes on or as things change so how to have this freedom with with our emotions where they're neither being repressed or suppressed that would be turning away or reacting and acting them out and

[05:58]

expressing them in some way that's not appropriate for the conditions, which might be touching. Turning away and touching are both wrong. So then what? What's middle way here? And that would be to allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and notice and neither repress it, suppress it, nor act it out. Act on it. Feel it. And often there's the emotional, mental-emotional, and there's also feeling it in the body. What does anger feel like in the body? I mean, often there's a real temperature change. You know, you get... right?

[07:00]

I think to say somebody is hot-headed or has a hot temper, you know, you get red in the face. You have a full body, you know, feeling or tightness in the stomach or throat or what's going on in the body. So this is a chance to feel, to notice and feel and watch what is it What is sadness in the body? What does that feel like? What does happiness feel like? What does confusion, is confusion and emotion, I don't know, being disconcerted? So paying attention to this part of our practice

[08:02]

I think if it arises, you don't have to go searching for emotions that are the non-arising of emotions. It's not necessary to go looking. They will arise when the time is ripe and ripe. So to be in relationship with our emotions rather than them sweeping us away like the wind, like the eight winds, where we're swept away and do and say or think in ways where it feels a little out of control. Can't. So I too, you know, felt, you know, emotions these last few days, strong emotions.

[09:16]

And it was very useful to look at the stories that adhere to the emotion. You know, stories like... Oh, I won't even get into it. You know... questioning, like, what do people think Sashin is, or something like that. And, you know, what's that about, that strong, not wanting to suppress? There's a lot of information there. There's communication going on. There's something to look at, something to pay attention to. It's not like emotions are bad, we shouldn't be feeling them, although some people may have that story. due to karmic formations, family life, education, or country of origin or something.

[10:20]

I remember it just occurred to me, Kosho McCall, who's the teacher, the guiding teacher in Austin, comes from Maine, and for a mid-practice period skit once, he did, some of you probably saw this, he did how a person from Maine, deals with strong emotions. And so he said, so somebody calls you a name or something, this is how you deal with it. Anyway, he kept, his main expression was nothing, just moving the eyes a little bit. That was how people in Maine, are in relationship to their emotional life. And I think Kosho was well aware of working with this and his stories around emotions are not good or whatever.

[11:26]

So what is your relationship? Some people come from families where nothing was held back. Everybody argued and they raised their voice and it didn't mean anything too much. Communication, and you take that person and put them together with somebody where slight raising of the voice is like danger, super danger, and it's just a wonder that we can get along at all, you know, or talk together. Because we have these stories of the meaning of a raised voice or a use of a word. So to know what our relationship is to emotions in general, and then when they arise, because they do, they will. In fact, in every moment of consciousness, there's an emotional, there's feelings, you know, there's feeling, Vedana is one of the skandhas, one of our five aggregates, and the feelings come in three flavors, pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral.

[12:37]

So in every moment of consciousness, there is, you can test it out, unpleasant, pleasant, or neutral, which is often, you know, there's debate about whether it's just confusion, about whether it's pleasant or unpleasant, or whether it really is neutral. This is a classic Buddhist debate. But you can, you know, breathing in, unpleasantness is arising in me. And you can also add due to auditory consciousness, visual consciousness, taste consciousness. Unpleasantness, what are the conditions? Depending on this, this comes to be. It's not without dependently co-arising. So you can check it out. And in unpleasantness might be all these qualities of irritation and annoyance, anger and suspicion and all sorts of things.

[13:53]

But there will be, in each moment of consciousness, the skanda of Vedana. So to be in good relationship with it, Because the fact that unpleasantness arises doesn't mean we have to act on that or that pleasantness arises. Our actions come from our deepest intention and vow rather than the weather, the up and down of the weather of our emotions and the scenery Yesterday we were talking about receiving, taking tea treats or cookies and taking the one closest to you, and it reminded me of the Xin Xin Ming, you know, the way is not difficult, and one translation is just avoid picking and choosing.

[15:03]

But another translation I like much better, because to say avoid picking and choosing, you still have to, if you're going to have a tea treat, you have to pick your tea treat or choose a tea treat. You have to in this world. So even not choosing a tea treat is tea treat, is choosing to not take a tea treat. There is picking and choosing, always. So what does that teaching mean? Just the way it's not difficult, just avoid picking and choosing. So the translation I like is by Stephen Mitchell, who's a... wonderful translator, and his translation is the way is not difficult. I brought it just so I'm sure to do it exactly right. The great way is not difficult for those who are unattached to their preferences. So instead of the admonition to avoid something, avoid picking and choosing, and then realizing you cannot

[16:13]

avoid picking and choosing in this life. This is human life. But to turn that to not being attached to our preferences. So if we don't get the cookie with all the nuts, so be it. Yes, you would have preferred it. There was a preference due to karmic consciousness. That's the kind you like. You can't You can't suppress that. But to not be attached to it, then the great way is not difficult. Not being attached to our preferences. Yes, we have them. We do like certain kind of people and other people we don't. And this is the beauty of the forms. We bow equally to each person, whether we like them or not, or prefer their company or not.

[17:20]

That is not the basis of our practice life, our preferences. However, we've got them. So, in talking about people's relationship to the forms, the forms of Sashin, or the Zen practice, which is, you know, It's one of the trademark, one of the touchstones, one of the big teachings of Zen is using the forms as teaching, as teaching vehicles. How do you bring the teaching forward? This is one way with forms. It's not the only way. And many of you have practiced in situations with groups that do have much less forms. There's always some form. At least, you know, the period of meditation starts at a particular time.

[18:21]

But maybe not. Maybe it's come if you want to or sit in your room. Very loose forms. But everybody has some forms. Mealtime comes at a certain time. Those are forms. But in Zen, and in this school in particular, there's... great attention and care and honoring the forms of practice as ways to bring the teaching, as a teaching vehicle. So this practice of bowing, bowing while passing. We bow whether we even feel like it or not, because you might be angry at someone, or they... cross some boundary with you in some way in the community. And when you walk and you bow, this is bowing not to the temporary disagreement or their personality.

[19:25]

This is our interdependent Buddha nature. not the Buddha nature in them as if there was some thing in them that was Buddha nature, some seed, which is a misunderstanding of Buddha nature. Sometimes you read all beings have Buddha nature, which is as if there was this thing called Buddha nature that we've got inside us somewhere. That might be useful sometimes to think of it that way. Dogen translated this line of the Parinirvana Sutra into all beings are Buddha nature. All beings, great earth, are Buddha nature. Our nature is awakened nature.

[20:26]

So when we bow, whether we're angry or not, we don't attach... our preferences. And so we just bow. And in some deep way that's being in alignment with our intention to live out our life of interconnectedness rather than fall into common consciousness. Unexamined common consciousness. Now there is somebody within the community who's been angry at me now for, let's see, I think it's 2006. And when I see this person, they're not in residence right now. They don't bow to me, like at Tassajara. And the impact of that is amazing. To bow to someone and they don't bow back. And I know that they're angry with me for some decision

[21:33]

that was made about something to do with the kitchen crew years and years ago now. And that must have hurt them very, very much in some deep way to have carried this and continue to act on it. And so what is my practice? My practice is to bow to them and to feel what that feels like, to feel the pain of our disconnection or our not being in relation. And their action and the impact of that, it's necessary for me to feel that and Accept that and let it go. And not retaliate, you know.

[22:34]

Like, well, you're not going to bother me. We'll just see about whether I'm going to bother you, buddy. Which you can imagine, that may come up in a consciousness, you know. Or how dare you, you know. Or some kind of thought like that, you know. And so I'm trying to stay with the Primary emotion, which is pain, if that's an emotion, that's pain of being not in relationship to someone harmoniously. And you could do the secondary one, which is anger, back, counter-anger, that meets that, tit for tat. There's a, on my part, I have to stay very close to just feeling the pain, feel it wash over.

[23:36]

So the forms, you know, so this is when the forms are not followed, still the forms are teaching by them not being followed. There's something to be taught and learned right there. and I can honor this person as a bodhisattva who's teaching me to really pay attention and have patience and have non-harboring of ill will. So the forms as ways to help us get to things that are very hard to get at. If there was no form of bowing, we could just very blithely act out all sorts of things So to put the form in the middle of our consciousness helps us enormously to work with our karmic consciousness and our habits of mind and our familiar ways we do things which are not wholesome and don't

[24:53]

are not beneficial to ourself or anyone else. But they're very familiar. And they're like defaults. We'll do that one. We know that one pretty well. So that's how I understand the forms. They're not somehow divinely given which foot goes over the threshold. It doesn't really matter just some human being at some point said, how about, let's see, let's pick a foot that will be helpful for mindfulness when we enter the Zendo. How about the one closest to the door? That'll be easy to remember. It's not like one foot is better than the other, you know? But what does it take to remember which foot to step over the threshold? What happens to our own consciousness and mindfulness practice and awareness and attention. So this is a gift to us. As are all the forms, you know. That's how I understand them.

[25:55]

And sometimes we turn them upside down and don't follow them. There's a place for that. But we start out by following them thoroughly and receiving the teachings. And they're our own teachings. by following them. You know, these main teachings of the Buddha of impermanence, no abiding self, and the flip side of impermanence is no abiding self. If everything's impermanent, how can this moment's manifestation be a solid thing? All things are impermanent. Therefore, no abiding self. You know, it's of the one coin of that teaching, really. But we look at it different ways. Impermanence, ever-changing.

[26:56]

Impermanence might be also ever-changing. And therefore, no substantial abiding self. And when we act and speak, you know, our actions, when they're coming from belief in abiding self and separate self, which is not interdependent self, but a kind of ego-centeredness, we create suffering for ourselves and others because we're not in accord with reality. The reality of impermanence and no abiding self. Then there's suffering And the more we try to come into alignment with these teachings, the less harm and suffering we create. So the forms of seshin, all the forms of community life, they flow from these teachings of interconnectedness and no abiding self.

[28:11]

So when we begin to do things, that seem to be, that for us, for me, I don't want or preference, we turn that into, you know, small self being at the center. If we feel that there's a form that's harmful to us, then be in communication about it. That's That's no problem. That's always the case. But when we do things out of our own preference and attachment to preference, we are, attachment to our preferences, we are solidifying once more, you know, again and again, separate self. Small self. I mean mine. So to give ourselves to the forms of Sashin, whatever they may be, they're all to support our being present, paying attention, mindfulness, and the flowing relationship with each other and each thing, all the objects of the senses, in a deep way.

[29:46]

So something like walk in shashu, not just in the zendo, but throughout the day. This is a yogic meditation posture for standing, curling the left fingers around the left thumb, parallel to the ground, this on top, a slight pressure of the hands, which allows the lower belly to be engaged in a very active position. present way brings your attention low. And to walk that way means your break time is just zazen time, you know. Yes, it's rest time, and maybe you're doing exercise and stretching, but walking in shashu, this is one of the forms of sashin, walk in shashu. It's not to make military automatons out of, or crowd control. And, you know, or you look better that way or something.

[30:51]

It's to help you stay within gathering of the mind, the meaning of seshin, to gather the mind, to collect the mind. This will help. This is a meditation posture. In fact, you know, standing meditation posture is very powerful meditation. So to find that we're resisting, and I don't want to, I want to put my hands in my pockets, I want to swing my arms, that's fine. We have our whole life to swing our arms. We have these days where we're given this time to collect, recollect, and touch. This is Aiken Roshi's translation of Sashin, to touch the mind and to convey it. So to convey this, interconnected, aligned, attentive body-mind, to convey it to others and to all things, our oryoki and everything we touch, to convey this.

[32:03]

That's my understanding of the forms of sishin. They're not to make us, our life, uncomfortable so that we'll really suffer more and then we'll wake up or something the forms of Sashin or all the forms inform us they become it's not about conform it's informing us informing us to be in relationship with So we can learn an enormous amount without having the forms. There's nothing to kind of come up against. You know, there's not much traction. Or what's grist for the mill or something. So please go ahead and struggle, you know, or have all sorts of, what's the word?

[33:14]

It starts with an R. Reactions, and there's another one. Resistance. Resistance, yeah. Resistance. In that resistance, what can you learn? What are we resisting? What is it that we want for ourselves? Is there any attachment to preference? The great way is not difficult if we let go of attachment to our preferences. Yes, there's a preference. I actually do want to sleep in. I really would love to sort of... pull the covers up and it's so comfortable and I was having such a great dream. And there's something else that I've made a commitment to that's really important to me. So I'm not, yes, I see it and I don't want to be attached to that preference. Anyway, this is part of our session and I think as the session goes along, whatever day we're in,

[34:18]

it becomes easier and easier. And the life of the forms and the freedom of the forms, our own freedom from our karmic activities and preferences comes forth. I didn't know I was going to be talking about that so long, but that's what happened just now. So the Buddha's life, as I talked about in the first lecture, he saw, vividly saw, and of course this is a teaching story, you know, part of the details, you know, that they whisked away even wilted flowers, that he wasn't allowed to see even that.

[35:22]

It's kind of a wonderful motif or... you know, this one point in the teaching story about flowers, because I remember this experience of a vase of flowers that had, you know, it had wilted, and I was composting them or something, and the water that the flowers had been in just smelled terrible, you know? And it was the first time I'd ever experienced this. I don't know. I was young. And I remember thinking, oh, but flowers, flowers are so beautiful. They don't, flowers are supposed to smell good. And they have, and it's this terrible smell. And I, it was like in that moment as, I don't know how old I was, but I thought nothing lasts. There was this, it was a kind of taste of impermanence, you know, in a kind of mild way.

[36:25]

But I really got it that, oh, these flowers I had picked and you know, they're going to turn to... I didn't even know the word compost at the time, but there it was. And I had this thought, like, there's nothing to rely on. Something like that. Very young. Now that was, as I say, mild, a vase of flowers. But, you know, there's many things that teach us this as a young person, the... the teachings of old age, sickness and death that come to us as unbidden and we're innocently living our life and we are, especially as children, imprinted with trauma of all sorts So the Buddha, you know, in some ways he was so sensitive that even these mild, these strangers, he didn't even know the person in the street that he saw.

[37:35]

And this is, you know, he taught about the four horses, the horse that runs at the shadow of the whip and the horse that has to feel the whip on their mane and the horse that has to feel the whip on the skin. and the fourth horse that has to, the whip has to be felt to the marrow before they turn towards practice, basically. And the origin of those four horses, it's wonderful to have Suzuki Roshi tell that, and Dogen told that, and Shakyamuni Buddha told about the four horses. It's a very old teaching. And in the original Pali, the horse that runs at the shadow of the whip is like someone who heard about some village somewhere where they didn't even know anybody, where there was some tragedy, a flood or something, and people were hurt, or a hurricane.

[38:44]

Hurricane, some hurricane where you didn't even know anybody, and you would hear about it, and you turned towards practice. That's the horse who runs at the shadow of the whip. You hear about somebody else. And then you hear about your own village. I hear about St. Paul, Minnesota where there was a tornado or something. And I know those people and I know that block where all the trees are uprooted. That's the horse that runs when you feel the whip on your mane. And the third is when your very own family, you hear about them dying or sick and you turn towards practice. This is the horse that feels the whip on their skin. And then the last horse, the one who has to finally turn towards practice when they realize their own nature

[39:52]

I am of the nature to grow old, I cannot escape growing old. I am of the nature to be ill, I cannot escape being ill. I am of the nature to die, I cannot escape dying. This is when the whip goes to the marrow, where you have to feel it that deep to turn your life towards practice. These are the five remembrances, those I am of the nature, to grow old, be sick, and die. And the fourth one, I think I said the first day of Sashin, everyone I know, all those I love, and everything I see is of this same nature. It cannot last. This is to allow that, And then the fifth remembrance is, my actions are my only belongings.

[41:00]

They are the ground on which I stand, or the ground on which I sit. This is all we have, is our actions of bodies. And when I say have, this is, what is our response? What is the response to these things? What is our response? We have to respond in some way. Are we going to hide out and numb ourselves in various ways and refuse and resist our life or are we going to take up these take up a life of attention and intention and vow. Because we cannot escape.

[42:03]

We cannot escape. And those four horses, Suzuki Roshi, you know, turns it in a wonderful way. You know, the one who... We all want to be the one who runs at the shadow of the whip. There's even another story of Shakyamuni Buddha where a person comes and says, please teach me the teachings of Buddhism. And Shakyamuni Buddha is silent, just totally silent. And the visitor, after a while, says, thank you, thank you so much. You have relieved my suffering. I can't thank you enough. I am so grateful. And he walked away. And Ananda says to the Buddha, What's going on here? You didn't say a word. What did he realize? That he says, thank you, thank you. And the Buddha said, there are some that run at the shadow of the whip.

[43:05]

So just the Buddha, whatever came, whatever there was between them of understanding and in the Buddha's presence, in silence, understood something. Thus, without Manjushri saying, you know, pay attention over here, he just asked his question and then paid attention. And that was enough. He ran at the shadow of the whip. And Suzuki Roshino says, we want to be the one who runs at the shadow of the whip, the best horse, who really gets it like that, whatever it is. You know, we want to do the forms perfectly, people often tell me, and are worried if they can't. And I think that's one of the problems with the forms is it sets up perfect or not perfect or doing them well or not well, which connects with all of our story making about the pain of that and why do I have to come someplace where there's more of that kind of pain.

[44:18]

And I agree, I agree. So we may want to be the one who runs at the shadow of the whip and is the best server and the best sitter and the best, best, best. And I think we want to because then maybe we'll feel nobody can hurt us again. No one can criticize us or put us down or take something from us because we're above it all or something like that. Maybe... Anyway, Suzuki Roshi turns it to. Who do you think, you know, the horse that needs to be beaten with, you know, needs to have to feel it down to the marrow, the core of the bones? You know, which one does the Buddha have more compassion for, says Suzuki Roshi? Who do we have most compassion for?

[45:23]

The one that has to try... over and over and over, come back to the cushion over and over no matter what, struggling, struggling with our life and just showing up day after day, one day at a time with all of our stuff. So by the fourth day, maybe some of this emotional turmoil that you may or may not have been feeling, this isn't something that's necessarily part of Sashim. But if you have been, it may be, you might feel it's kind of calming down. You can watch it more like scenery, the scenery of her life.

[46:27]

and let go of making meaning out of it and just feel it as passing weather. So, continuing our practice Continuous practice, I think, is... ...is realization. The teaching that the Dharma is abundant in each one of us, like as the Buddha said at his enlightenment, marvelous, marvelous...

[47:35]

all beings without exception, our Buddha nature or our awakened nature are completely awakened and the greater. And one might think, well, that's okay enough. I don't have to do anything. It's said and done. And this may be a mistake. And this was a big question for Dovinsatji. If we're already originally awakened, then why do we need to practice? Continuous practice is the way that we realize this and it's... Although the Dharma is abundant in each one of us, although the Dharma is abundant, it isn't realized without practice. And...

[48:36]

One of my most favorite images of this is Suzuki Roshi's image of the clock. There's a clock that's wound and is moving, but it's not set at the right time. So it's functioning. It's functioning sort of clock-like-ish, but it's not telling the time. So this is, for me... Yes, it's functioning as a clock. It's a clock. It's a clock. However, it's not going to help anybody. And in fact, it's kind of confusing. And does once a day it tell the right time? Not necessarily, right? It's just going. So although the Dharma is abundant in each one of us and we're fully functioning without practice... It's not realized unless our clock is... It's not going to be of use.

[49:44]

So to rest on, but all beings are already enlightened, this is a kind of leaning in one direction. So our continuous practice is making that real, making that teaching alive and fully functioning. So I had thought I was gonna bring something else totally up today, but this is what happens. So I'll save that for tomorrow. I wanted to end with this poem by Denise Levertov called Once Only. And it's a poem to encourage me and us to be present and pay attention, attention, attention to this present moment.

[50:49]

And it's kind of encouraging us to let go of all the stories and the wonderful or terrible stories. So here it is called Once Only. All which, because it was flame and song and granted us joy, we thought we'd do, be, revisit, be, turns out to have been what it was that once only. Every initiation did not begin a series, a buildup. The marvelous did happen in our lives. Our stories are not drab with its absence. But don't expect now to return for more. Whatever more there will be will be unique as those were unique, try to acknowledge the next song in its body halo of flames as utterly present as now or never.

[51:58]

I'm going to read that again. Once only. All which, because it was flame and song and granted us joy, we thought we'd do be, revisit, turns out to have been what it was that once only. Every initiation did not begin a series, a buildup. The marvelous did happen in our lives. Our stories are not drab with its absence. But don't expect now to return for more. Whatever more there will be will be unique as those were unique. tried to acknowledge the next song in its body halo of flames as utterly present as now or never. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center.

[53:02]

Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[53:24]

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