This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening. I returned on Monday from a funeral, Daigon Luke's funeral at Green Gulch, and it's not really what I want to talk about, but I did want to say a few words about Daigon. I have the program from the ceremony which I'll post tomorrow behind the stone office with some great pictures of him. I think I said...

[01:01]

something when he died, it was about a month ago, that he was one of the few people in Tassajara's Zen Center history that completed Tangario. For those of you who don't know, it's five days of very intense sitting before you can join a practice period. You apply and all, and then when you're accepted, you come and you sit five days of Tangario. All the new people sit five days of Tangario where they basically just sit It's not, it isn't divided into periods, except when the rest of us are here in the Zando, and they sit from like 4.30 till 9 at night. There are half-hour breaks after meals. It's pretty intense, and most people think twice before they apply for a practice period, partly because of Tangario. Though no one has ever died doing it. And a few people have left, you know, in the middle, decided this really isn't what I wanted to do. And it's meant for that.

[02:02]

It's meant to see, do you really want to do a practice period? Because a practice period has a lot of sitting in it, so come and sit. But Daigan and maybe one other person finished the whole tangario, did the five days, and then walked out. For some reason, he finished it before he decided, or maybe after he decided that he didn't really want to do it at that point. He later came back and did... more practice periods, quite a few. He and I were tantos together, which is a little unusual. I was a tanto, and then at some point Zen Center asked him to join me, and we were tantos here at Tassahara, overlapping by some amount of time. I can't remember how long. But we were very different. He is about 15 years older than I am and was part of the... Sometimes they're called the lost generation.

[03:12]

He was a child during the Second World War, so he often talked about how, as a young boy, they played war all the time. And then when he was grown, he went into the service and was in the Korean War, which is kind of the loss that most people... Don't know very much about the Korean War or about the people who were in it, but he was in that war. And he was, I would say, pretty skeptical, maybe even cynical about things, about most things, about almost everything. He knew a lot of history, really. He had said he grew up in the Midwest, in Minnesota. and had kind of left that and went to the Korean War and then got very interested in Japan. It's actually how he got interested in Zen through a couple of, I think maybe two Japanese wives, failed marriages that he didn't feel so good about his part in.

[04:17]

But when he was Tonto here, when we were Tonto here, I was very... interested in people and in people's stories and very patient with people's angst. You know, thought it was good practice stuff. Not so with Daigon. He was not interested in people's stories and really had very little patience for it. But he was amazingly intuitive. It's like he could look at people and know who were okay to be roommates with who. He'd just say, like, no, this would be okay. I don't know, I have no idea where he got this knowledge from, or who would be good to work in what area. Anyway, he had this intuition from somewhere. And another way that he, very strange to me...

[05:22]

He was really an artist. He followed his art, or he followed his muse, and it led him in some way that I don't really understand. I don't think he understood. I just think it just came to him like he was a painter, and he painted prolifically. Not while he was here at Tassajara, but when he wasn't here, and he his style would change completely. He would do like one kind of painting for years, and then suddenly it would change. Or he would change into a poet. He would stop painting, and he would start writing poetry. And then he'd paint some other style, and then he would start writing very strange little stories, somewhat prose. Anyway, and it wasn't like a decision, it just, it like, came to him and came out of him. It was quite amazing to watch over the years.

[06:23]

A real unique person has spread out amongst us. He's no longer contained in one body. There's a poem in here that he wrote that I just wanted to read to you. Listen. Some night when all the faces that you love are no more and you shiver on some cold floor and watch a piece of moonlight slide along the windowsill and hear the north wind shake the door, then you will begin to know what you dared not even dream before and you will press the palms of your two hands close together, oh, very close together. There is barely time to bury sorrow in the mud and look dead winter in the eye before rainflowers spring up relentlessly, before the horses start to paw and prance faster, faster.

[07:30]

To let Daigon express himself for a moment here. So I'll post it back there and you can look at him. Okay, so what I wanted to talk about tonight, I've been taking little pieces from the Genjo Koan that we chant here in the morning, and the phrase that kept coming up for me this week was, here is the place, here the way unfolds. Here is the place, here the way unfolds. And I think this, you know, it's such a hard thing for us to believe that just here is really where we're supposed to be. And yet, you know, as I think as Okamura said, Shoah Okamura said, the present moment is the only true reality.

[08:43]

The present moment is the only true reality, so it's really only here. Here is the only place. And it isn't, you know, the past has happened, and it's had an effect, and it's actually present in the present. The past is here with us, but our cognition of it is pretty subjective, to say the least. You know, it's like it's mixed with all the rest of our past, and it's mixed with our hopes and dreams, and it's here, and it's totally functioning, the past. but our ideas about it are questionable. And the future is actually not here at all. It's just not here yet. The seeds of it are here. The future will come from the present, but it's not here. It's not here, even to the point of

[09:48]

You think you're going back to a certain bed tonight, and we don't actually know that. The seeds of that, if you thought about that, your experience that you were there earlier in the day and there was a bed. For some of you, it was very familiar, and for some of you, you maybe haven't even laid in it yet, but it's there and you know it. So there's some reason to imagine that you will go back. to that room, to that bed. But it hasn't happened, and we don't really know if it's going to. Last time I talked, I mentioned a story about a boat. And this time I want to mention another story about a boat from the Genjo Koan. Last time we were in a boat where you could see the shore. And we were talking about movement. But this time... The quote starts out with this phrase, when Dharma fills your body and mind, you know that something is missing, or you know that something is lacking.

[10:59]

So when Dharma, when the teaching fills your body and mind, you know that something is missing or lacking. And then Dogen goes on to say, for example, when you ride in a boat... Out in the midst of the ocean where no land is in sight and you can't see any land all around, the ocean looks like a circle. But it isn't really a circle. The ocean is actually infinite in variety. Whole worlds are there. So there we are in this boat out in the middle of the ocean this time where all you can see all around is water. And according to our perceptions, which we like to trust, it's what we have to go on. How do things look? How do they smell to us?

[12:00]

How do they feel? In fact, we usually think of that as a big step forward from just our thinking about it. We think about something, and then we come up with some story, and then we try to get back to what are my actual perceptions about this. And it's true, there's some truth there. And yet, if you're out in the middle of the ocean and you look around, you see a circle of water. And we all know this is not true. The ocean is not a circle. It's many, many, many, many things. A circle is actually not one of them. So, to have this knowledge, both We have the knowledge as an idea, but we also have it as an experience, because given that we don't always live in the middle of the ocean, we're actually land creatures, we've seen the edge of the ocean and we know it's not a circle, so we have this experience of it.

[13:04]

To add that to, and this knowledge that comes from that, of something is missing. Something is missing in my experience. Something is missing in my knowledge. Something is missing, you know, something is missing. The past has gotten hazy. The future is unavailable. I don't really know. I really don't know a lot. I don't know the real nature of the ocean. I don't know the real nature of this moment, even the present. this present right now where we're sitting, so to speak, in the midst of the ocean of now, the now that's happening, we don't know. We don't know what's happening outside this room. We don't know what's happening inside of us. We definitely don't know what's happening in the people next to us, though we might have lots of ideas about all of that.

[14:13]

So to add that to this Here's the place, here the way unfolds. What does that mean? What, you know, to actually come here where there's so little that I know and so much that I don't know, and yet from here is where the way unfolds, where the way of my life unfolds. I think most of us have an idea or a feeling that we received when we were very young, and we've developed it over time, that it is our job in this lifetime to build a person.

[15:15]

to make a life, to make a person or a life that's good in whatever way we've decided to call it good. Maybe it's successful or maybe it's kind or wise. There are lots of things that we have defined as good, but basically it's our job to take this person and make sure it does the right thing in this life to make a good person. And this is big for us. I mean, part of it is that we want to be safe. We want to be, and therefore we need to be liked. We need to be sure that other people will accept us and let us be part of the ones that get fed and kept.

[16:23]

So that's part of it, and we often see that kind of sneaking up in us, or at least a lot of us do. Like, what did they think about me? What did they think when I said that? Oh, when that came out of my mouth. And we often feel like we care too much what other people think. So that's of what's happening for us but even when we set that aside there's this there's our own impulse need to make a good person make a good person and we have a kind of constructionist idea about it you know it's sort of like we think we're going to build this person and we need a plan you know, like a building plan. I've said this to a number of you, but it's kind of like, oh, I want to be this kind of person, so I want to have, you know, a house with three bedrooms and two bathrooms, and so here's the plan for it.

[17:27]

I want to be this kind of person, so I should, let's see, practice Zen and not eat too much and, you know, various things that we should do. Get some exercise. get enough sleep if possible. That might be in clashing with practicing Zen. So we have these struggles. How am I going to build the right person? And what is the right person? Anyway, it's a big deal. So I think this is like a huge burden for us that we feel we need to do and we don't know how to do and we keep trying and then we fail or maybe we even succeed. In some ways, sometimes that's worse. I would like to propose that actually that's not what's going on. That's actually not our job. It's not our job to build the right person.

[18:27]

It's not our job to figure out who that would be. It's our job to hear the place, hear the way unfold. It's our job to be close and open-hearted to this karmic being that which includes its interaction with the whole world. To stay close to this bundle of sensate material that's been developed over however many years, but has its roots far back in your parents' history, in your family's history, in our species' history. but each of us has this one particular unique little bundle of it, and to stay close to that bundle and be open-hearted and see how does it actually... Who is it?

[19:34]

Not to get it so you can put an idea on it, you can put a name on it, but to actually live it, and that our life, rather than being like a... a house that we're building is actually more like a plant that's growing. So there's a seed with a certain DNA that we each have, and it's been planted, and it's already growing. For us, it's already growing. And things are affecting it. What kind of soil was it planted in? Does it rain? Is there an earthquake? Who do we run into? All those things are happening in this very alive, organic way. And that our job, if I can call it that, in that is to stay close, be open-hearted. Here's the place, here the way unfolds.

[20:36]

And it doesn't mean that we don't do things. We actually do things all the time. So it's an It's a very active process, but to be there with it in an open-hearted way. Somebody who may be here in this room said to me today, does Buddhism allow for, does Buddhism offer forgiveness? And so I thought about that some, and in some ways I would say Buddhism actually is forgiveness. like this staying close with an open heart, we start to understand more both how much we don't know, how much we're not in control of, but also how we are functioning. How do these things happen? Some of which obviously cause pain for ourselves and others.

[21:39]

And as we start to see that, And we kind of reinterpret, re-experience, re-understand things that have happened in the past, things that we might feel like, how could I have done that? That caused so much pain to myself or others. But as we see how we're functioning, what kind of, mainly what kind of fears are and misunderstandings we have, we understand more about how those things happened. And as we understand it more about ourselves, we also understand it more about others. So there's much more possibility of forgiveness for others also. There's a poem that Uchiyama wrote. Roshi wrote shortly before he died.

[22:44]

Water isn't formed by being ladled into a bucket. Simply the water of the whole universe has been ladled into a bucket. Water does not disappear when it has been scattered over the ground. It is only that the water of the whole universe has been emptied into the whole universe. Life is not born because a person is born. The life of the whole universe has been ladled into the idea called I. Life does not disappear because a person dies. Simply, the life of the whole universe has been poured out of this I... back into the universe. So the gateway for the experience and the understanding of this, how this I, this water that's been poured into this particular plant that's growing,

[24:07]

how it functions, how it functions with the rest of the universe, the gateway to that is now. It's only now. It's not in my imagining of how the future should be or what I should do or reimagining what I should have done. It's actually right now because it's too mysterious. It's too complicated. for our mind to make up. It's actually not something that we can think very clearly. We can have thoughts about it, and the thoughts can be useful to ourselves in understanding and also in communicating with each other, but they won't be complete. And yet we can have a complete feeling, a feeling of completion that includes the knowledge that something is missing it has to include the knowledge that something is missing or it's a big delusion because something will always be missing so once again

[25:36]

I mainly want this lecture to encourage you to try this. Try coming as close to now as you can get. It's what Zazen's about. I mean, a lot of Zazen isn't that. A lot of sitting Zazen is traveling around the world. But it does actually help us be able to be here for a little while, to get a taste of what is it like to come here. Here's the place. Here's the way it unfolds. It helps us to be able to even find here. Sometimes it's not so possible for us to even know what does that mean. So if you're trying to figure out what that means, try noticing where do you touch the ground. Are you sitting on a chair? Are your feet on the ground? That's close to here.

[26:39]

Try noticing what's happening in the core of your being, in your hara, in your gut. And then try keeping your attention there for a while. But do it kindly, because our mind is really not used to this. That isn't what it thought it was supposed to be doing. It was supposed to be looking for where are the problems and how should they be fixed. So it's not used to staying here. It might disagree. It might say, I don't think this is safe. I need to be deciding what I'm going to do in three months from now or two days from now. So gently, kindly try it. Try it out. See what can be met if we come to here's the place. Here the way unfolds. Do you have any thoughts or questions or anything?

[27:41]

Just here for a minute. Yes. Well, just the poem you read by G.M. about just getting poured into this eye. Yes. Reminding me of something Ajahn Chah He's a really inspiring teacher to me says that the goal of practice is to die before you die. And it's like somehow emerging with this truth of the universe, being the universe, even before this body runs out. Even if there's still this old karma coming. This is me. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. That was my thought to share. Yes, thank you. And... I'll just add a caution to that, that it's one of the kind of common misunderstandings is that if we somehow identify with the one and we kind of lose our boundaries, that that's enlightenment or that's freedom, which Dogen and Zen actually doesn't say that.

[29:01]

It says, come to hear... and be who you actually are, and then experience how that is connected. So it's connected in a very unique way. It doesn't just merge. It's actually particular and flowing, particular and changing all the time. It's not a particular thing that we can get a hold of. It's a particular changing thing, but it is also itself. every moment of coming back to hear. To hear, yeah. It's so easy for us to get an imagination that we think is what's going on, you know, if we think about the universe or... Anything else? I only have about one more minute. Yes.

[30:04]

Yes. Yeah, I wanted to ask... the... going out in the ocean... Say it again. ...going out in the ocean and looking where no wind is in sight. Yes. Just in my experience, it's also kind of going to a place of vulnerability, going to a place where there's no route. There's just... Nothing solid. Do you think that that was part of the meta? Or that they were going to show us? Well, they, the scholars, I guess, think that he probably actually experienced this sailing to China, which was a very dangerous voyage and really...

[31:06]

I'm reluctant to say groundless because I think most of the time when we feel really vulnerable and without any ground, if we come here, we'll actually find the ground. That feeling of being overwhelmed is a similar feeling. What does being overwhelmed mean? Really, if you can say you're overwhelmed, you're not overwhelmed. You're just convincing yourself you feel overwhelmed. So, you know, to feel groundless... I'm not saying it doesn't happen. I think it probably does. But I don't think it happens for so long, usually, and that we can come back and find some ground. It may not be the ground that we want, You know, it may not be, I mean, we may notice how this ground is actually shifting.

[32:10]

And yet, that's how it always is. You know, that's our ground, the shifting ground, really. It's always shifting. And still, we can settle on it. We can settle and we can, like, ride our life, our shifting ground. So, yeah, I don't know for sure what Dogen was saying, but does that... Thank you. Oh, yes, Tova. I wanted to thank you for your talk and what you said about forgiveness, which is forgiveness. This week we've been studying tenderness and compassion. And looking at how we can stay close to our experience when we experience being hurt in some way.

[33:14]

Yes. develop that kindness that we've talked about. And I think the practice of Zazen can really help with that as we notice what we're experiencing moment to moment. So I just wanted to express my thanks because I think your talk spoke to everyone and also to those of us who've been working with those. Yeah, I think what you bring up about how can we stay close to ourselves when we experience hurt. And if we come close, even for a few moments when we experience hurt, what we usually see is that we are trying really hard to get away from ourselves. If something is painful for us or frightening for us, Most of us, I could maybe say all of us, have such deep habits of how to get away from that.

[34:25]

And it includes looking for what's wrong, how could this happen, who to blame, of which there are two choices, me or you. And then going deeply into that. And so as we notice that, and actually there's such a counter habitual habit movement of coming back to where the hurt actually is and actually staying there with it instead of explaining it away or blaming it away or something. So yes, in a tender, compassionate way. Thank you. Thank you all very much. It's a pleasure to talk to you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive.

[35:29]

Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving.

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