Good morning. I'd like to begin, as I usually do, by thanking, acknowledging and thanking my teacher, Sojun Mel Weisman Roshi, Avid of Perclism Center. And to say that my talk is just to encourage you in your practice. While I'm at it, I'd like to thank Fu for inviting me to give this talk. She's coming back today. And the two most important practice leaders in my life, Leslie and Linda, are Xu So. being such an awesome shoe store. So I thought I would begin this morning by telling you a little story.

[01:08]

Something that happened about 10 years ago. 10 years ago I was living in San Francisco. I was treasurer's CFO of San Francisco Zen Center. I was doing practice as administration and administration as practice. And I like city life okay. I must say I prefer the mountains. I like city life okay. I enjoyed riding my bike in San Francisco. I have a decent Trek 730 hybrid. good bike. It's very utilitarian, but it can go fast. And I liked riding it all around and riding for errands and so forth. And one day, I think it was a

[02:20]

Early afternoon, I was running errands on my bike. I usually use the bike to go anywhere. If you factor in parking, I could go almost anywhere in San Francisco faster on my bike than driving any day. So I had to go to the bank and the library. And from the bank to the library, the shortest route was up Van Ness. Of course, there's no bike lane on Van Ness, but I'm perfectly entitled to ride my bike on any street in San Francisco, as any cyclist will tell you. So I'm making pretty good time. I enjoy riding. My heart rates up. Breathing. Feeling good. Making really good time. Coming up Van Ness. This door comes open. That fast.

[03:24]

My front wheel hits it at the very outer edge of the door. You know what happened. There's a word for it. I got doored. I went over the door. I mean, I was launched like a catapult. I went over the door into the street. My bike came behind me. The bike came over the door behind me. I was like, I landed ahead of my bike. It's physics. You can ignore the rules of the road, but you can't ignore the rules of physics. So, yeah, you know, stop. I kept going. The bike kept going. I literally bounced. I bounced on the pavement, kind of rolled, and came to my feet. true story about one second if we had been filming it if I had been a stunt person in the movie business doing a stunt it couldn't have been more perfect just like boom standing up my first thought was dude my bike that's true

[04:51]

It's very funny. I think a cyclist would say, well, your bike is part of your body. It's an extension of your body. But I wasn't concerned for my body at first. The first thought I had was my bike, which was kind of messed up. The front wheel was totally potato chipped. It was just unrideable. And the one brake handle was bent in a really funny angle. which I left it that way to remind me. And then I was standing up, and then the first complete thought I had was, you know, my body, okay, everything seems to be okay. And the first complete thought I had was, well, this is where the yoga pays off. I had been recently, you know, it was when I moved to San Francisco that when we moved to San Francisco that I started taking up hatha yoga because I complained to Mel, actually, in a dog-san with Mel.

[06:12]

I said, I'm just sitting in the zendo. I'm sitting at my desk. I'm sitting in meetings. My work practice is totally sedentary. You know, I'm not getting any exercise. And he said, well, what about exercise time? I said, you're taking Tassajara. We don't have exercise time. And he just looked at me like... As though to say, handle it. So I got the message. And I started going to classes. They let me do work trade at Yoga Treat in Hayes Valley. It was great. So... Here we are in... Bodhisattva Training Academy, right? This is Bodhisattva Training Academy. And you might ask, well, where's the payoff? Where's the payoff?

[07:18]

What's this all about, anyway? And, of course, we say, you know, Mushotoku Mind. Nothing to attain. That's true. But your practice will come through for you. It will. This training will come through for you. It shows. So I want to maybe just reassure you not actually wasting our time we're doing something rather important in this suffering world so I'm really stoked that we're studying the precepts this training period this practice period

[08:25]

When Fu told me that, I was quite excited. When we do a precept ceremony, jukai or shuketokudo, or full moon ceremony, or, come to think of it, every morning service, we start... and repentance. It starts with repentance. So that's what I thought I would like to talk about this morning. It's not, maybe not a popular topic. Driving on the 68, going to Salinas one time, I saw this man walking along the roadside carrying this humongous wood cross, giant, solid wood on his back, stripped to the waist, trudging along the roadside, right beside the 68.

[09:41]

Huge cross on his back. It's like, whoa, that makes an impression. Such a person is called penitente. Those are called penitentes. That's a practice. I'm actually rather in awe of. I had the thought, I would like to talk to that guy. It's really interesting. But that's perhaps not the repentance I'm talking about this morning. I would like to talk about formless repentance, turning and being turned. by the Dharma. So we put our palms together. Let's do it just one time.

[10:51]

Thank you. You know where that comes from? Some of you do. Kodo knows. Comes from the Avatamsaka Sutra. From the end of of the sutra, I don't think you got there yet. It's the very end, the end of the sutra. Wasn't it kind of me not to make any characters in? Old sutra tower, huh? Yes, indeed. the whole sutra, just so I can read you this.

[11:55]

The last part of the Avatamsaka Sutra, which is very popular with a lot of Buddhists, is called the Vows of Samantabhadra. So this is from the Vows of Samantabhadra. This is Thomas Cleary's translation, the only English translation really worth messing with. in my opinion. Here is his translation, but you'll recognize it. Whatever evil I may commit, under the sway of passion, hatred, or folly, bodily, verbally, or mentally, I confess it all. Right? Sound familiar? It's the same. This is where it comes from. The very next stanza holds up the other side. This is what we don't chant. But I think we should keep it in mind when we do chant the bit that we chant.

[12:59]

We should keep in mind that the very next stanza says, and whatever the virtue of beings everywhere, hearers, saints, self-conquerers, enlightening beings and Buddhas, in all that I do rejoice. In all that I do rejoice. So this is to encourage you in your practice. We repent. Repentance means to turn. It means turning. Transgression is normal. Karma is normal. Lying.

[14:03]

Cheating. Stealing. It's normal. It's part of human life. I'm not saying. No. I'm not trying to encourage bad behavior. But I think we should just acknowledge. It's normal. So. Excessive guilt and remorse can also be a kind of self-clinging. We have an expression, there's an expression in English, wallowing in remorse, right? You heard that expression before? Wallowing in remorse. I like that word wallow, wallow. It's fun to say. Wallows. Pigs wallow, right? Roll around in the mud.

[15:05]

Sounds like fun. Get naked, roll around in the mud on a hot summer day. Wallow, wallow, wallow. Good times. But at some point, you have to stand up and rinse off. So I think when we put our palms together and chant all my ancient twisted karma. That's a version of standing up and rinsing off. It's beginning anew, recalibrating. There was a Shosam ceremony with Sojun Roshi right here in the Tassahara Zendo. He was sitting in a chair right there. And, you know, we advise... the monks, to keep their questions short, to the point, one breath, one sentence. It was a monk who was not doing that.

[16:09]

In fact, they were going on at some length about something they felt really terrible about, using the opportunity, I suppose, to confess in front of the whole community. And just generally feeling bad as Sojan finally cut them off. He said, wait a second. This morning, didn't we all chat together? All my ancient twisted karma? He said, yes. Well, isn't that good enough? Shouldn't you be okay now? He said, well, okay, maybe. The Avatamsaka Sutra and the Lotus Sutra.

[17:12]

Oh my gosh. Actually, I'm not going to read to you from the Lotus Sutra. This is the Threefold Lotus Sutra translated by Gene Reeves. And the Threefold Lotus Sutra means actually the Lotus Sutra is bookended by these two other sutras. Which I forget the title. There's the Sutra of Innumerable Meanings. Then... comes the one that we're all familiar with, the Sutra of the Lotus Flower of the Wonderful Dharma. And after that, it says, the Sutra of Contemplation of the Dharma Practice of Universal Sage Bodhisattva. Or, Darn it! Darn it! I was practicing it in my cabin.

[18:16]

Linda said it wouldn't be any good if I couldn't just rip it off. The Samatha Bhadro Tsahanaparivarta Sutra is the third part. It's the sutra that comes at the end. So... I asked my dear friend and former tanto and currently abbot of Hartford Street Exam Center, Reverend Mio, who is something of a Sanskrit scholar, about this title. And he suggested the time of the effortful practice of Samadha Bhadra, the sutra on the time of effortful practice of Samadha Bhadra. Isn't it interesting that Samantabha here, Samantabha here. Samantabha is about doing things.

[19:18]

Mel always says, I'm not interested in why, I'm interested in how. How do we practice? And Samantabha is all about how, how we practice. Samantabha is on our work circle, altar. The Bodhisattva of great activity. How we practice. What do we practice? How do we put our practice into effect? How do I put my understanding actualized? So, in the Samantabha Jho Sahana Parivata Sutra, there's this voice in the sky. It's not identified, it's just a voice in the sky. It says, what is sin? What is virtue? As the thought of self is itself empty, neither sin nor virtue is our master. In this way, all things are neither permanent nor destroyed.

[20:22]

If one repents like this, meditating on one's mind, one finds no mind. Things also do not dwell in things. All things are liberated, show the truth of extinction, and are calm and tranquil. Such a thing is called great repentance, sublime repentance, repentance without sin. People who practice this repentance are pure in body and mind, like flowing water, not attached to things. Stand up, rinse off, start over. Meet your life. Kind of, you know, get over it. Don't be attached. Again, I want to say, this is very, you know, I don't know, there's not anybody here, I'm sure, but potentially subject to misinterpretation.

[21:31]

What is sin? What is virtue? Yeah, who cares, man? It's all one, man. Right? What difference does it make? It's all one. coming from the realm of the Absolute. A Zen teacher, in case you want to remind them to carry these sticks, if you say that to a Zen teacher, they're supposed to hit you. Bam! Well, did that hurt? There's cause and effect. We live in the world of cause and effect. That's why we start with Shiva. In the three trainings, Shiva, Samadhi, Prajna, Sheila comes first. Ethical behavior comes first. The precepts come first. The precepts have to come first. I just talked about how we practice repentance. Samadha Vajra is talking about how we practice repentance.

[22:35]

Further on in the sutra, this is no longer voice in the sky, but the world-honored one, Buddha. The Tathagata spoke in verse, and there's this lovely long verse section about repenting of the six senses, which ends with these two stanzas. The whole ocean of hindrances from past actions arises from illusion. If you want to repent, you should sit upright and reflect on the true nature of things. All sins are like frost and dew. The sun of wisdom can dissipate them. For this reason, with all your heart, you should repent of the six senses. you want to repent, you should sit upright and reflect on the true nature of things.

[23:44]

Isn't that what we're doing all the time? Can we understand zazen as repentance practice? Interesting question. which I don't propose to answer. I'm just posing the question. So there's these... Anyway, I can definitely recommend this sutra. That's the third part of the Threefold Lotus Sutra. It has all these teachings about... It goes on at some length about repenting of the six senses, how we understand that. the reductionist zenny that I am, I will give you my understanding of how we repent of the six senses from the Genjo Koan.

[24:56]

To carry yourself forward and experience myriad things is delusion. That myriad things come forth and experience themselves is awakening. So repenting of the six senses, as I understand it, is to turn from. To turn. From carrying yourself forward and experiencing myriad things. Figuring everything out. Is this a threat? Is this a benefit? Is this a friend? Is this a foe? All the time. All the time we're engaged in this activity. To stop it and turn it. And allow the myriad things to come forth and experience themselves. Allow them. Allow reality to show itself to you. Sit upright and reflect on the true nature of things.

[25:58]

How do we allow this? There's another hint. In the Zazen instruction, Dogen Zazen instruction, learn to take the backward step that turns the light and shines it inward. Turning the light and shining it inward. In Japanese, Eko Hensho. There are many, many teachings about this turning the light. In fact, if you ask me nicely, my friend, Kokyo, former Tanto at Tassahara, put together a whole long list of short quotes about turning the light and shining it inward. And I can print it out for you. Maybe put it in the study hall. It's fascinating. Dogen was just in a long list of Chan and other teachers talking about this turning the light.

[27:05]

Especially his Dharma great-uncle, I think, Chantong Homchur. And this is, for me, this is kind of, some people might think this is a stretch and some people might not. Some scholars might think this is a stretch. But I'm talking about how we practice. In terms of practice, there's another teaching from Yogacara Buddhism of how our understanding of reality is turned. How the eight consciousnesses are turned at the basis and become the four wisdoms. This is called

[28:08]

Asraya Paravirti, Transformation at the Base. It's the title of a book by Thich Nhat Hanh. Transformation at the Basis. Paravirti means to do an about-ter, to do a 180. If you're a Hatha Yoga enthusiast, you might recognize the word from some twist poses, Paravirti. Doing a 1.8. This is in Chapter 7 of the Platform Sutra. Huynang talks about this, how the eight consciousnesses are turned at the basis and become the four wisdoms. So it's very central to Chan and Zen understanding. I didn't bring the Platform Sutra with me this morning, because I had to stop somewhere. You can check it out.

[29:09]

It's chapter 7. So that sounds all kind of lofty to me. But what does it mean, actually? It means all this happens in the midst of our suffering. All this happens in the reality that we're experiencing right now. Right here, right now. Our present reality. It's not some idea about enlightenment. It's how we work with what's going on right now. My note says, Wayseeking Mind Talk.

[30:13]

What? I don't know. I asked Leslie if I should give Wayseeking Mind Talk because I haven't done that in a long time. And I decided not to. But I thought I would talk about just the good part. The suffering, which is a story that many of you already know. In her book, The Way of Tenderness, Zenju Ursuline Manuel talks about everyone has their story. Everyone has their story that they bring to practice. So I think the predominant feature of my Wayseeking Mind talk from my childhood is I was the fifth of six children and three boys and three girls. So I have an oldest sister, an oldest brother, an older sister, and an older brother.

[31:23]

And then comes me, number five, and a younger sister. When I was about 11, the two middle siblings, number three and number four, first the older sister and then the older brother, became schizophrenic. adolescent onset schizophrenia with all the symptoms that you read about, hearing voices, delusions, paranoia, pretty heavy duty psychosis. They were institutionalized. It destroyed my family. It destroyed my parents' marriage. We wound up leaving Ohio because they couldn't face their friends. Yeah, it was pretty interesting.

[32:23]

Vulnerable age for me. I felt like I was living in a Stephen King novel. Has anybody here read the Samuel Butler book, Errol Juan? No. It's maybe not a very well-known book. It was written in the 1830s. Samuel Butler was a satirist. It's like Swiftian satire of the morals of the time. It's also in the lost kingdom genre. The exotic location, usually books about lost kingdoms, mythical lost kingdoms, usually like Tibet, right?

[33:30]

Or somewhere in South America, Africa. This one happens in a really exotic place, New Zealand. This explorer discovers the lost kingdom of Erewhon, which is an anagram for nowhere. In Erewhonian society, you get punished for being sick. If somebody catches a cold, they try to hide it. It's extremely shameful. They can't let anyone see them sniffling or clearing their throat. And if you commit a crime, you go to the hospital and everyone rushes around. Oh dear. I understand your husband came down with a slight case of embezzlement. I'm so sorry. It's all in how we look at it.

[34:38]

It's all in how we hold it. So I think, like, as a kid, I felt like my family, like I was suddenly an Erewham. We were being punished because... My brother and sister were sick. This illness was very misunderstood in the dark era of the mid-60s. Psychiatrists were still asking my mom about, like, were they breastfed? How was their toilet training? My mom was like, toilet training? It wasn't actually until the beginning in the 70s. people started to acknowledge there was this biochemical basis for schizophrenia. Believe it or not. And genetic predisposition. Wow, science. I could have told you that.

[35:40]

It's my brother and my sister. Guess what? It runs from families. So the guilt and shame were so intense. We didn't talk about it. There was nobody for me to talk about it. It was the worst part was the guilt, the shame, and the silence. So I happened to be talking to a therapist about all this not too long ago, actually. Great therapist. Oh, my gosh. He was so good. The conversation I wanted to have 45 years ago. Oh, man. He was great. Right out of central cassock, too. Silver hair. It's really present, really solid.

[36:44]

And I was telling him. Actually, I don't remember what I was telling him. Something about how I was coping. And then I said, of course, now I realize that was totally irrational. And he said, no! It scared me a little. He didn't really shout, but he was like, no! What? He said, it was rational. It was rational at the time. For where you were, for what you had to deal with, that was rational. I think that's really important. That's, for me, a huge, huge part of formless repentance. To acknowledge, hey, it was rational at the time. In Zenju's book, she says, I love this, before we leap to the universal,

[37:53]

the true essence or spirit, why not start where we are as human beings? We must carve a path through the flames of our human condition. We must see it for what it is and bow to it. Not pitiful bow, but a bow of acknowledgement. A bow of acknowledgement. It was rational at the time. This is where practice happens. This is where ashraya paravirti happens. happening here all the time.

[39:01]

I'm so grateful for everyone's sincere practice. Staying present for whatever arises. This is why Suzuki Roshi always said we should be grateful for our problems. That's where practice happens. to acknowledge that everybody's making their best effort most of the time. It was rational at the time. So when we do this, when we do this practice, when we take the backward step and turn the light, shines it inward. We are cultivating spaciousness for ourselves and for others.

[40:09]

You all know forgiveness starts here. Loving kindness starts here and it radiates out. Cultivating this spaciousness, the great and psychologist who developed much of his theory in the midst of a Nazi concentration camp, Viktor Frankl famously said, between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. Suzuki Roshi also used to talk a lot about having a warm-hearted feeling in your zose.

[41:28]

I think that's really critical. This taking the backwards step and turning the light is an act of love. I think it's very, very important that we have this warm-hearted feeling towards ourselves and others when we do this practice. Sitting upright. want to repent you should sit upright and reflect on the true nature of things and your practice will come through for you so there's me

[42:40]

There's my bike. Front wheel all potato chipped. And there's this guy leaping out of his car a second later. What are you doing? He's shouting at me. It's not bad enough. just went sailing over his door. Now I have to deal with this guy shouting at me. What do you think you're doing? Well, you know, he's trying to put the blame on me. Why? Because he's scared. Of course. I think he might have been more shook up than me. You know, so he's being totally belligerent and all this adrenaline going through my body. I can remember so many details of it 10 years later.

[43:46]

It's amazing. I remember noticing that he was shorter than me. I remember noticing that he was a person of color. English was not his first language. Spanish was his first language. There was a woman passenger in the vehicle who stayed there, stock still, like if she moved, something terrible would happen. And I was aware of some energy between him and her. I was noticing so many things. And just kind of standing there and actually feeling pretty grateful that I was okay. I trashed a pair of jeans. My skin was scraped. My bike turned out to be okay, actually. The frame and forks were straight as could be.

[44:46]

It was just the front wheel made it unrightable. Which, yeah, track. Track bicycles. He's trying to blame it on me. Which, of course, you know, I could have taken that up because... California Vehicle Code, Section 22517. No person shall open the door of a vehicle on the side available to moving traffic unless it is reasonably safe to do so and can be done without interfering with the movement of such traffic. We all know that. So of course it wasn't my fault. I wasn't going to argue with this guy. He was scared, you know, I could see it. I could hear it. He's thinking, oh, lawyers, driver's licenses, insurance, all this stuff that is completely stacked against him from the beginning.

[45:55]

Chinese philosopher, sage, Taoist sage, Zhuangzi, has advice about how to win an argument. Did you know that? Zhuangzi's advice about how to win an argument is let the other person talk themselves out until they see their error. That's kind of what I did. I just stood there, just kind of feeling grateful that I was okay. And he just kind of talked himself out. We were both just kind of breathing. And then I think I said something like, look, I'm okay. picked up my bike, and I walked away.

[47:23]

Because that's what he needed. And I was okay. My bike was okay. Mostly, believe it or not, I was concentrating on my breath, noticing my breathing. So, I'm not saying 100%, 100%. I'm not saying... Actually, I had this great exchange with Mio. He cautioned me when I'm talking about Ashraya Paravirti, which you could go into at great length. different people understand that in different ways. Some people would say, well, it's a complete resolution of the alive Vijnana.

[48:28]

And then once that turning takes place, that's it. That's it. It's the great, perfect mirror of wisdom from then on. Maybe so. I think we have Multiple, multiple opportunities in life to turn and be turned. Multiple opportunities to put our palms together and just say, I'm a human being. I make mistakes. Lots of them. And your practice will come through for you. You will seek. you will notice occasions where your practice comes through for you and others where you can actually have enough space to look to see what's really needed here what's the best course of action here and do the right thing save the world

[49:50]

Save the world. It's what you vowed to do. You do it all the time. Full moon ceremonies. After this talk is done. The beings are numberless. I vow to save them. You might think dang, I've been tripped. Thank you, sir. Okay. I think that's all I want to say this morning.

[50:53]

That wasn't as long as I thought it would be. There's even time if somebody has a question or a comment, wants to bring something forward. Go ahead. Yes, please, Cormac. Let's go with that understanding so I can hear your question. process of making things about me, when I turn away from that, there's actually a feeling of sort of fear and tiredness that feels like that impulse is coming from it.

[52:17]

And I wonder if sort of turning away from that process and turning towards the fear and tiredness, loneliness, et cetera, is the process of practice. I think this is why I felt it was important in my talk to include the bit about having a warm-hearted feeling in your zazen. I think that's really critical. It's not going to serve you or anyone else if it's just about feeling crummy.

[53:26]

So the practice of formless repentance is not getting caught by transgression, not getting caught by the crummy feeling. It's formless repentance because we can let go. In the meal verse we say, the emptiness of the three wheels, giver, receiver, and gift. You could say the same thing about transgressor, transgression. So that's to help you let go of that and not be caught by the crummy feeling. Be kind.

[54:30]

Be kind to yourself. Be kind to the error. No doubt it was rational at the time. Thank you. I really appreciated your talk. It made me laugh and cry. question is can you remind me at what point I'm supposed to get up when we start chanting it's a great question yes it's Lauren then Kim so I am a very good wallower you might even say I'm a radical wallower

[55:36]

Definitely to the point where it's not fun wallowing anymore. And you know, there's temptation to go down the road of like, where does this come from? Like, why do I like to do this? Why is that my response? You know, and that doesn't really get you very far. Yeah, what do you do with the wallowing before you're able to stand up through your shower? I think part of what the training here in Bodhisattva Training Academy, part of what it has to offer is the time and space to get really sick of it. I can recall certain sashims where the same story just kept going and going.

[56:39]

going unbelievable you know and then it's like day four it's down here around my ankles it's still going but it's it's kind of lost its power over and over again sitting upright, reflecting on the true nature of things. I mean, you said it. It's no fun anymore. If it's no fun anymore, if it's beginning to lose its compelling power, which I think, if you're saying it's no fun anymore, I'm thinking maybe it's beginning to lose its compelling power.

[57:40]

And you can gradually begin to unhook from it. What does that part look like? Like that moment? That's that space between stimulus and response. Just when you notice that you're slouching and you sit up again. When you notice that Your thoughts are far away and you come back and start to pay attention to your breath again. That moment. To me, that's what it looks like. That's what it feels like. What is that moment? Here's another fancy Sanskrit word, bodhicitta. Yeah. That's the mind of awakening. It's at work. working hard in you and all of us right now bodhicitta is doing its thing Kim I'm thinking about I've been spending a lot of time this practice period thinking about my parents and I I feel like

[59:11]

I, um, I want to repent their sins or something like that. Like I'm, I find myself, um, yeah, I think there's, I can only repent for my, myself. And I think, I wonder what you do with, with, yeah, that, that desire to want to give them a shower. Something like that. Yeah, I know. Right? Yeah, yeah. Of course. And of course you can't. You can't. The great 20th century Zen master Kota Sawaki famously you can't so much as a single fart with another person.

[60:14]

So you can only do your own repentance, of course. But in coming to peace with your own karma, in coming to peace with your own life circumstances, which obviously our parents are totally involved with, inextricably involved with, you come to peace with their karma as well. So you can't resolve their karma for them, but you can come to peace with it. You can come to peace with it. And then there's a very good chance that it helps them when they see, other people see, friends, family, that you are at peace. That's really helpful.

[61:14]

Does that make sense? Yeah, it does make sense. Yeah. I think it makes sense. And the challenge, I think, is that when the people in my family, I feel like are slapping around in the mud, I feel like I need to get in there with them. Yeah. Yeah, it's not. That's not the thing. Probably the least helpful. Yeah. Kodo. Thank you, Tato. I can't remember being so moved by Armitov. Thank you very much. Second, there's a... There's a version of the verses in the full moon ceremony that calls Samatabhadra the great love. I like to make up an association between the great love and the great activity.

[62:23]

Would you be willing to say something about that? Let's see. How do we actualize our understanding? That's what Samartha Bhaja is all about. How? Last practice period, Paul was talking about shunyata a lot. Emptiness. And then he kind of shifted halfway through the practice period. Well, this is my perception anyway. Maybe more than halfway through, in talking about Shunyapdha, he started using Thich Nhat Hanh's expression, interbeing. Thich Nhat Hanh famously coined this way of understanding emptiness, or Kaz, Tanah, she said, boundlessness, interbeing.

[63:30]

Thich Nhat Hanh says, we inter-are. So when we understand the world, reality, in this way, when we begin to, I dare say, turn at the basis, understand ashraya paraviyuki, we enter our. Well, how do you manifest that? With great love and compassion. For me, that's a no-brainer. This whole thing was very moving. Can you share a little bit more about where you are with your brother and sister?

[64:46]

Oh, sure. To be sure. I'm still scared of them, which is interesting because they're totally damaged people. We're all still alive. Both my parents are gone, so we're all orphans now. But all my siblings are still alive. And in their case, it's something of a miracle. They've lived on SSI. their entire lives, both of them, with disability. Been in and out of institutions their entire lives. Of course, these days, these things are managed a lot better with pharmaceutical approaches.

[65:48]

And both of them are in actually very good, wholesome group living situations right now. Me too. I'm in a good, wholesome group living situation. I don't know. The important thing for me... It was nobody's fault. It was nobody's fault. It was terrible. But it was nobody's fault. And everybody was doing the best they could.

[66:50]

God knows... Heaven knows my parents really, really, really did the best they could with not much resources. That's abundantly clear to me now. I don't know. Yes, Diego. My understanding of what you're saying is that acknowledging and repentance is kind of enough. In other practices or traditions, sometimes there's some kind of amendments, right?

[67:56]

Like I think the amendment and the action Samatha Padra's action is great love. When we can turn it around, when we can do a 180, put our palms together, drop it, even if only for a moment, then there's that spaciousness.

[68:58]

There's that opportunity for great love. So you should seize the opportunity. In a way, I kind of want to say the opportunity seizes us. Kind of like Sawaki Roshi saying, we don't practice to get Kensho. practice being pulled around by Kensho. You practice being pulled around by interbeing. But it's both. It's turning and being turned. But there's activity there, for sure. That's your big chance to practice love. You could be specific. We could probably cook some up.

[70:02]

Maybe our specific activities is at lunchtime we'll unwrap our oreochi and someone will come along and put some food in the bowl. Sometimes you get to be the person putting the food in the bowl. Sometimes you get to be the person receiving the food. Something like that. Hello, May. It seems to me that part of the power of repentance is not just the acknowledgement, but also, of course, this wholehearted investment in dropping it, in shooting something different. Can you talk a little bit about the experience of repentance when You know you're doing something that you probably shouldn't do, but there's not a strong commitment to changing one's behavior.

[71:07]

I was thinking about a friend who was talking about quitting smoking cigarettes. And one of the things they said there was, they said, you know, I just don't really want to quit. Yeah. Is there still value to repentance? Oh, yeah. And how does, maybe, I'd be just curious to hear your thoughts on that and also on cultivating that wholehearted commitment to drop in. Well, for me, the answer is, It was right there when you said, is there still value? I'm like, yes, yes, there's still value. Even though you can't, we can't.

[72:11]

So often we can't. I can't quite get there. I'm not quite there yet. Okay. Nonetheless, we'll put our hands together and we'll chant it over and over again. And we do cultivate of a vow. You can think of a vow body that maybe needs some more strengthening, some more nourishment. Your vow body needs to do more workouts. Your vow body needs to do some cross-training. It gets stronger. Cultivate that. That's true. Quitting smoking. I can talk at length about that one.

[73:12]

And your friend, you know, that was just the drugs talking. But it's such a powerful biochemical strongest addictive alkaloid known to humankind. So Mark Twain said, quitting smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times. I've also done it hundreds of times. Five times. Five times in my life I said, this is it. I really mean it. I'm not playing this time. I'm not going to pick up another cigarette. Four times, I'd be talking to somebody, I'm like, yeah, I know what you're talking about.

[74:18]

What? How did that get there? Seriously. It's just as well we emphasize mushotoku mind, isn't it? Effort without desire. Practice for its own sake. Just keep practicing. Is there value in it? Heck yeah. Will your practice come through for you? Heck yeah. That's what I think. curious what it feels like to take the backward step and the context of what Dogen also says of the essential art of Zazen is not thinking.

[75:31]

So how is illuminating ourselves, shining light on ourselves and not thinking together or maybe same in the context of Zazen being an act of repentance? The jazz musician, Herbie Hancock, wrote a piece. He titled it, Hang Up Your Hang-Ups. So, this is our big opportunity to hang up our hang-ups. to be nobody going nowhere what a privilege what a rare opportunity to just sit down and stay present for what arises drop it if even for a moment non-thinking means hey let's not play the game

[76:55]

if even for a moment. Let's not play the game. Let's just breathe. Let's just be here and breathe. Can we do that? Until the bell rings? Well, maybe not completely, but just make your best effort. That's what we do. Make our best effort. without desire. Let me notice. Just come back. Can we just breathe? Okay, just for a moment. Just breath. I know you've heard this a thousand times, at least. Well, I think that's the practice. Yes, Paul.

[78:03]

It seems to me you're telling, I mean, this is all very great. Thank you. And it seems that you're saying something that I'm realizing that I've learned in like the third grade when they trained us. Like if your house is on fire, the school is on fire, or in this case, if my head is on fire, basically just stop, drop, and love. It's stop dropping love. You talked about one heart of sinning, which just sounds like meta practice. But again, it's stop, drop. Just come back. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks. Stop dropping love. I love it. Yes, Ian? Could you say something about apologizing?

[79:11]

What role apologizing might have in practicing the community? Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. Thank you very much. This is kind of could be another response to Diego's question. Actually, how do we actualize? What do we do? That's what you do. When we had a class in the dining room, we broke into small groups and we were supposed to write a mission statement and a shingy rule. I just said, say you're sorry. That's our Shingi rule. Say you're sorry. If you hurt somebody's feelings, if you transgress, say you're sorry. That act of saying you're sorry is an amazing act of letting go of self-cleaning.

[80:31]

It's dropping the defensiveness. Not worrying about what I have to protect over here. Taking a risk. Letting go of the defensiveness. And acknowledging and enacting that we enter our Totally great. I'm so glad you asked that. Thank you. Aubrey, then Valeria. This is fun. Whenever I hear someone say, the thing to remember is everyone is trying their best. it makes kind of doubt I have not like that's just like my first thought is I don't believe that mm-hmm mm-hmm but I want to mm-hmm can I help you see that I don't know Aubrey I don't know if I can help you see that I want to acknowledge

[82:04]

with you that that's really hard to see. You know, I've been on East Block in San Quentin. I've done cell ministry, East Block, better known as Death Row, where they make you put on a bulletproof vest and you go in there and there are people who just radiate menace the way the Dalai Lama radiates love. Just really scary people. Basically, no two ways about it. A hell realm. In hell. Whose fault is it that they're in hell? is a big question.

[83:09]

Whose fault is it? My brother and sister were in hell. Whose fault? Let's find someone to blame. That's what our whole criminal justice system is about. Finding someone to blame. And punishing them. I'm not saying there are people we need to be safe from. And yet, who's to say that they haven't been making their best effort given Whatever it was. They were given.

[84:11]

It's a tall order. Okay. I'll just say that. And I did say. Make their best effort most of the time. Because. Because. Because. We all slip because we all transgress. It's normal. I'll say it again. It's normal. The first paramita is dana, generosity. It's hard to muster a lot of the time. I think that's why it's first on the list. You can't practice the other paramitas without a generous heart.

[85:18]

It's hard to muster. And the greatest gift you can give somebody a lot of the time is give them the benefit of a doubt. But yeah, most of all, I want to acknowledge with you that it is hard. A lot of the time it is hard. Pull there again. Follow up to what you would like to Peter. He said not to play this game and just focus on the bread. It wasn't so cute to me. Peter asked about non-thinking. To me, I would understand more like no-thinking and not-thinking. Could you say something about the difference of relationship, of thinking and non-thinking? Yes, you're thinking too much. Sorry.

[86:21]

I don't know. Good, because I can't reach you with my stick from here. I don't need to come forward. No, that won't be necessary. Yes? Welcome, welcome. Sorry, I spoke right into my mic. Gabba, Gabba, we accept you, we accept you, one of us. Sorry, go ahead. Following has been disguised for myself in taking a backward step. Like, why questions? What is this providing? Is there any value in getting close to the why process?

[87:25]

Or what is this providing? Or is that erroneous? I think there can be value in that process. Talk therapy. seeing a therapist talking things out talking to practice leaders or trained professionals I think that's valuable I don't think that's what we're doing in the Zen though on the cushion Zen teacher would say maybe that that's going into the cave of demons You know, it's just this kind of... You know this word rumination? It comes from cows, right? Cows are ruminants. They have four stomachs. They cough up their cud and then they... They chew it over.

[88:29]

That's what rumination is. You know, you're just chewing over your thinking. Chewing over your... not really getting anywhere. Turning the light, just staying with the body, staying with whatever comes up, including your thoughts, but without grasping them or pushing them away, is allowing Something else to come forth. Something within you that wants to integrate, that wants to be upright and be present. Right here, right now. Bodhicitta is hard at work.

[89:33]

Just letting go. You know, just looked at her watch. It's quarter to 11. Maybe we should stop. You know, I've often noticed when I'm giving the talk, my legs never get tired. When I'm listening to the talk, I'm like, how much longer can this go on? Okay, I think we should stop. Thank you all very much.

[90:16]

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