Yesterday I worked all day from four in the morning till just before nine o'clock when I finished what I was doing. I felt like I should thank you for letting me do that. There's always a few things, though less and less used to be many of them, Now I only have two, one I just did, I have one more, that take one or two or three days of uninterrupted time, which is, as you know, for me anyway, very difficult to get. Anyway, one of them I got done yesterday. Thank you for letting me do it. I seem to have adjoined a few of you in your chest poles. And Elizabeth has it too, I'm told. Doctor said she nearly has pneumonia. So she's in a little tent they built over her crib.

[01:21]

She doesn't like it. She doesn't mind, I guess, but she likes always sleeping with someone or being with someone. To be stuck in this tent with a vaporizer, I guess, isn't so interesting. My mother nearly died from pneumonia. Elizabeth's not nearly dying from pneumonia, but my mother nearly died from pneumonia. I guess kids died a lot from pneumonia not so long ago. what I want to talk about. I guess the word ambivalence is good enough. And it's a very ordinary topic, you know, something everyone practicing or not faces, and most

[03:00]

A mental illness is a kind of ambivalence. Most fretting that people do is a kind of ambivalence. Ambivalence is characteristic of human beings. there's the ambivalence we have. Most people get ordinary ambivalence under control. Then there's the ambivalence you have when you first start practicing. And then there's the ambivalence of the seven-year itch, you know. Or in Zen Center, it seems to be an eight-year itch. Lou Richmond, Chikado Sensei,

[04:06]

says many people say to him at Green Gulch, I've been here eight years, now what? So it comes up again and again and it's also Our being and non-being, our subjectivity and objectivity, our life and death is also root of ambivalence. I think anyone, say you go to a restaurant and you have so many choices, almost everyone is somewhat ambivalent about what to eat. Even Buddha would probably say, Should I have this or this? And afterwards they say, Oh, I should have had that. That wasn't very well prepared. Soggy. I don't think anyone's free from that kind of ambivalence.

[05:33]

But you still, you know, unless you have some in with the restaurant, you still, you don't order a small portion of that and a small portion of this and so forth. I've tried these various things. Once I went to a restaurant and I ordered everything in the left-hand column, all the way down in every category. So I had this huge table of food. Anyway, to experiment with a practice has to be, in very practical terms, like this. You know the story, I think, of Daitsu Chisho Buddha. Daitsu Seijo was asked by a monk. It's a story in, I think, Lotus Sutra, Chapter 7. It's rather interesting to read it in the Lotus Sutra too. Anyway, this guy who's got the Lotus Sutra, this long Sanskrit name, in Japanese they call him Daitsu Chisho Buddha. Anyway, this monk said, he sat, Daitsu Chisho Buddha sat

[07:06]

on didsasana on the bodhi seat for ten kalpas and he did not attain manifest the buddhadharma and he did not attain buddhahood. Why is that? He asked. And Saint Joseph said, that's a very good question. And the monk asked again, but he sat for ten kalpas, you know, on the Bodhi seat and he didn't attain Buddhahood. Why not? And Seja said, because he did not. And it's a pretty simple story. Obviously if he is Daitsu, Jisho, He doesn't need to attain Buddhahood, he's already Buddha. But the purpose of any of these stories is not that it be some story out there, oh, he was Buddha so he didn't need to attain Buddhahood, but what about you? Clay Cowan, do you need to attain Buddhahood?

[08:29]

Why don't you obtain Buddhahood? The story must become you in very practical terms. Dogen says, we must recognize that there are millions and millions of objects in this world and that each object contains all of them. The practice of Buddhism begins here, he says. This is a pretty interesting idea, you know. It's not so common in the West, this idea of being everywhere at once. We even tied our painting

[09:35]

to a particular perspective and then arranged everything in the painting according to a progression away from some focal point, or you, or some ego point. But Chinese art, poetry and paintings both don't do that, particularly Buddhist poets or painters. There's no particular point of perspective, each thing is seen from whatever perspective a painter wants to put. There's a succession of perspectives, as if you were in several places at once. We don't do this in the West, but if you're familiar, the more you're familiar with the idea of dharmakaya, you may begin to paint or write poetry with this kind of variety of points of view. Simultaneity is like that. And I think our series of perceptions

[10:58]

are not progressive but more a succession in which we see it as if we were seeing the same thing from various points of view. So anyway, back to ambivalence a minute. So first stage of ambivalence is you don't know what to do. This is very simple, you know, what to order in a restaurant. Simple, but everyone faces it. To stay at Tassajara, to stay in bed when you're feeling sick, or to get up. All kinds of things. Finally, you may decide, I'll do this, or I want to do that, But still, if you then just do it, you're still being pushed around by your perceptions, by your ambivalence. Maybe when you're quite young, you can go off to sea, or drop out of college, or quit your job, or leave the state. You can do that. It's like robbing a bank. It forces you into some situation, but then you have to run from the police.

[12:31]

It creates something that forces you. It's okay to do it, I think, when we're young, but you can't do it all the time. So if you decide to do something, still you have to be able to not do it for a while, and when the time is right to do it. Otherwise you're still being pushed around, always. stage two of ambivalence when you've decided what to do just because you've decided don't be pushed around by what you've decided somehow we have to cut through being pushed around by things I know when I when I there's a song in which the entire lyrics is don't go I don't know if any of you have ever heard it Well, I made it up. I used to hear it on the radio and I lived in the YMCA when I was about 16 or 17. I left home for a while. And I could hear, at night it would come on and it really was all, don't go, don't go. It'd make me so sad.

[14:02]

And it would fade off in the distance, fade away. I felt so terrible. How could one, what could one do? Everyone went away, parents and so forth. we even go away from ourselves. I asked Tsukuyoshi before he died, where will I meet you? Where are you going? I'm still, you know, not completely free from this because I like it that we all practice together. Now more and more I feel very good about your leaving but at the same time I enjoy it when you're here. But I'm not so caught by it as I used to be. Now I'm pretty flexible.

[15:21]

There's a story of Dogo and Ungan. You know, Ungan was a teacher of Tungshan, of Tosan, Ryokai. Ungan and Dogo are brothers. And Dogo was sick and Ungan came in and said, �If you die, where will I meet you?� Ungan said, and Dogo said, you'll meet me where nothing dies and nothing lives, something like that. And Ungnan said, oh no, you should say, you don't need to meet me, there's no place where nothing dies and nothing lives, something like that. Words are silly, but they are trying to express something, each one not so good expression. But then there's a little poem which goes with it. Between, no, true friendship transcends intimacy or alienation.

[16:59]

true friendship transcends intimacy or alienation. Between meeting and not meeting, there is no difference. Between meeting and not meeting, there is no difference. On the fully blossomed plum tree, the north branch owns the whole spring, the south branch owns the whole spring. The north branch owns the whole spring, as does the south branch. So this poem was, in a way, an important koan for me. And it stuck with me, and everywhere I went for some time, it was with me. And one time, walking down Broadway Street, maybe it was springtime, I don't remember, suddenly it was very clear to me the north branch owns the whole spring and the south branch owns the whole spring and that there's no difference between meeting or not meeting or being together or not being together if at least plum blossom plum tree is fully blossomed but actually you know

[18:31]

Plum tree is always fully blossomed. Plum tree is blossoming right now at Green Gulch. Dawn, you know, there's some Chinese poem. Clouds and mist across the sea. Sounds like Green Gulch. Dawn. Willow and Plum Blossom, Across the River, Spring. It could be Green Gulch. This kind of poem, it's trying to express the same thing. It's like Wong Wei's poem, which goes something like, Smoke, mooring, in Chinese it's pretty simple, something like mooring the boat, smoky, short, Sad traveling. Evening sun. So it's very particular. Mooring boat. Very particular. Mooring boat. Smoky. In the smoke offshore. Like we've become a village down here with so many smoking chimneys. So if you came to a village on the river, probably it was quite smoky. So it's very particular.

[20:03]

And then something about some feeling, you know. A traveler is not feeling so good, you know, and the sun is setting. Next is two characters, one meaning wild and one meaning wilderness or emptiness or space. So next is wild, wild or wild emptiness. And then it says something which I think you could translate as sky Trees, sky joins the trees and moon joins the river. Anyway, trees make sky closer and we find this moon in the river. This is same feeling, same ideas. Spring. North branch owns whole spring and South branch owns the whole spring. This is so, you know, first particular point of view and then wide point of view that covers everything. I remember one, a night when my own attachment came to its

[21:40]

worst head and I thought it was terrible, terrible. And then I finally sat up where I was sleeping and out the window I could see the sky and no matter what I thought or how terrible I felt or how horrible my thought or how ambivalent my thought and the sky just didn't care didn't care at all just was there no matter what I thought the sky was there and at that moment I shifted to the sky. It was a culmination of a pretty long time of

[23:09]

looking at this point and experiencing it to some extent, but not going over the edge until I was really pushed. In every thought, in each thought you have, you can penetrate the thought. We say sometimes, in between thoughts, rest in the space between thoughts. But in the middle of each thought there is calm center, not calm that is, calm that is. In contrast to storm, but like no matter how big the storm is, whole sky is quite calm.

[24:13]

And in the midst of each thought, if you penetrate it, you will find calm center. So we can say, you know, maybe I'll give you a very basic formula for practice. First is, you should attain sustained awareness. You should work until you have sustained awareness, which contains negative and positive or wholesome and unwholesome, whatever. You just have sustained awareness. You should make that kind of effort. Until you have sustained awareness, idea one, Dao De Jing's idea of one or Seng Zhao, a whole history of Buddhism is involved with this, what is the one, and Daoism's what is the one. But until you have sustained awareness, there's nothing to talk about, you know. It's psychology and personality and so forth.

[25:42]

You have no ground to really commence the study of Buddhism, really. And sustained awareness is so useful to you. If you're sick, you can find through sustained awareness the ability to see your body processes. You can look. You are your body and you can see it if you find this sustained awareness that covers everything. First just find it and it will cover everything, if you need it to. So second is to, after you have sustained awareness, Excuse me. You should consciously practice for noble states or generous states which are

[27:18]

generosity, kindness, joy, and equanimity. It's a kind of advanced form of the power of positive thinking, which isn't so bad. Anyway, with people you try to be generous, to give them some good feeling. That's the main gift. in some tangible way to do it. Second, just some kindness, some trusting kindness, loving kindness. This you consciously try to practice. And third, you share people's joy. And fourth, equanimity, which covers again. exists to penetrate, comes from penetrating each thought. And next you, third is, this will make clearer wholesome thoughts and unwholesome thoughts. This is again power of positive thinking or don't sacrifice your state of mind.

[28:43]

You find out, antidote to unwholesome thought, and whole is good I think, better than good and bad. Unwholesome thought brings you down or weighs on you, a rising mind and sinking mind. Wholesome thought or act feels like it lifts you. The most common prescription in Buddhism is do good and avoid evil. We don't translate it that way usually, but that's the way it's usually translated. So even in unwholesome thought, you penetrate it for its calm center. for what is... Actually, every thought has many aspects, so you plummet, tap it for its wholesome aspect. Unwholesome thought has wholesome aspect. Again, this is just a very practical effort that you're doing. Because you care about other people and you care about yourself, you make this kind of effort. And next is

[30:09]

runs to present. So your act doesn't reverberate with the past, it reverberates with the future. If you strum, a good poem strums your harp. A good poem will awaken something in you of some other person's life, make you feel how that will slow you down or give you some other feeling of some other person's life. Because it's your own heart, own loom, if you do some unwholesome thing, it will reverberate with all possible unwholesome acts. And those reverberations will continue and influence the next strumming, next act. So we do want to see the difference between wholesome acts and unwholesome acts, what things that bring us down and things that don't. In this way you can practice with ambivalence. And to do things so you build up a charge or build up some, as I say, wind in your sails,

[31:35]

of merit or wholesome acts. At the same time, wholesome or unwholesome, you want to perceive sky. Once you've got this sky, then good and evil don't mean anything. But unfortunately you can't jump to that point unless you have a pretty wholesome life. or even if your life is terrible, your intention is so powerfully, if I may say, wholesome, that you can penetrate it. This is Dogo, or ungod's place, where nothing lives or dies, where there's no difference between meeting or not meeting. This is effort of dogma or Taoism or our practice. So this story of Dai Tzu Chi Shou is about to actually live the life of non-attainment

[33:01]

You don't need to attain Buddhahood. I like the poem about a Japanese monk, I believe his name was, what, maybe Tasui, something like that. Anyway, he had been asked to be head of a large monastery, and he didn't want to do it, and he went to live in a small hut in the mountains. And a Jodo Shinshu priest, pure land priest, who calls the name of Amida Buddha, came to see him and noticed that in his little hut he had no Buddha at all, just his little hut and what he needed to live. So he went out, his friend, this Jodo Shinshu, Pure Land Buddhist priest, went out and found a picture of Amida Buddha and brought it back and asked if he could hang it in his house. And he said, ah, yes. And as soon as he hung it,

[34:33]

Tasui took up his brush and wrote on it, O Amitabha, O Amida Buddha, although my hut is small, there is room in it for you. But don't think for a moment, don't get the impression, I want to be born in the pure land. He wrote on it. That's very good. O Amida Guru, although there is room in my small hut for you, don't get the impression I want to be born in the pure land. No possessions, no attainment. To actually live the life of non-attainment, to cut through all your ambivalence is to live life of non-attainment. or we sometimes say, again, to bite iron bun. So, strangely enough,

[36:00]

get free of ambivalence, you must develop the awareness which is always present in the midst of what you're doing. This is a kind of ambivalence, you must admit. What you're doing and this awareness are some mental activity and sky. But sky includes this activity. It's not separate. So it's not ambivalent. But initially, to practice, you must make distinction between unwholesome and wholesome. You must practice four states of mind, you know, generosity and loving-kindness and joy and equanimity. And you must practice developing constant awareness, even through your sleeping. in the midst of things you're making this effort. While you're doing something you are thinking of your koan, concentrating on your koan, concentrating on your visualization. This, you know, for one thing it does, it takes up some of your ambivalence. You don't have so much time to be ambivalent because you can be ambivalent about the koan. You're doing your thing and, you know, this damn koan.

[37:37]

But it's very useful, it kind of absorbs stuff. Anyway, maybe it helps to have some intellectual perception of the nature of ambivalence and of the nature of our thinking mind to find antidote for it. And you have to care enough and see that your own thoughts are not reality. just to be pushed around by your own thoughts. If you like it, please be neurotic, you know. I can't help it, you know. But if you don't like it, I'm trying to give you some medicine. So you can find out. North branch owns all spring and South branch owns the whole spring. Anyway, like this is how we practice Zen. Please begin.

[38:49]

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