This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. At my ordination ceremony, Katagiri Roshi performed the ordination ceremony while Suzuki Roshi was upstairs in bed. That was September the 11th, 1971. So I celebrate my priest's anniversary now on the same day as 9-11. 9-11, 2001 was the 30th anniversary of my ordination as a priest. Today is the 40th anniversary of Suzuki Roshi's passing. So today, to honor Suzuki Roshi, I'd like to tell you some stories.

[01:04]

And something about my sense of Suzuki Roshi. I think everybody who knew Suzuki Roshi has their own stories, their own memories. So today, you know, I will share mine, some of mine. It won't be long, you know, before all of us who knew Suzuki Roshi will be also gone. It won't be another 40 years. It will be a lot less. And then he will be a picture, you know, upstairs and a statue in San Francisco. But also, you know, our ancestors, you know, are there in the spirit world for us to meet and know and to visit with.

[02:24]

And this, you know, one of the Buddhist understandings is that we have both blood ancestors, mothers and fathers and ancestors, and we can have also spirit ancestors, spiritual ancestors. You know, going back generation after generation, people who stand behind you, stand with you, give you guidance, and give you steadfast allegiance to help you while we're in this world. December the 4th, 1971, I was, Suzuki Roshino waited.

[03:34]

The timing of his death, you know, was the first day of a sashim that began at the San Francisco Zen Center on Page Street. Today, I think there's a sashim beginning later today here at Gringotts. So it was again a year when the sashim began on December the 4th, 1971. And we had started our Sashin at Tassajara on December the 1st. The Sashin at Tassajara was December the 1st to December the 7th, and in San Francisco starting December the 4th to December the 10th. And Green Gulch was not yet. It was just barely started. So that was most of Zen Center, San Francisco and Tassajara. So most of Suzuki Roshi's students were in the middle of sitting meditation intensive. At Tassara, it was the fourth day in San Francisco.

[04:36]

It was the first day. And he waited for the bell to start ringing. And that morning, he took a bath and then was in his bed with his wife, Mitsu, and with Richard Baker, Roshi. And during the first period of meditation, he passed. once all of his students were sitting. So we got the news, you know, Tassara news doesn't get there right away. But sometime that morning there was a phone call. And there was an announcement in the Zendo that Suzuki Roshi had died. And we were all, we all just continued with our Sissing schedule, sitting, period after period of meditation.

[05:43]

You know, with the bowing and chanting the services, with the meals, with the silence. Sitting with Suzuki Roshi's passing. It was a, you know, if I may say, you know, a big event for us. You know, it's very much like the death of a parent, which even, you know, if you're estranged sometimes, is a huge event in your life, one way or another. Okay. And I felt, you know, pretty bereft to lose my teacher.

[06:48]

And somewhere during the course of those few days, I thought, I came to the conclusion, I thought, it's okay that you died. You can have my life. This is kind of a, you know, funny decision. On the one hand, it's very loving. And I wanted to, I'd always wanted to be there for other people the way that Suzuki Rishi had been there for me. As a young person, you know, many of you know, when I was three, my mother died and I spent four years in a monastery. Not a monastery. Monasteries are like this. I spent four years at an orphanage. And, you know, we do the same thing in Zen centers.

[07:54]

We take in all the lost souls, the orphans, and we try to give them parenting, good parenting. And sometimes it works out well. And then sometimes, you know, you don't take to your step parents and, you know, you go on to another foster home. And, you know, in some ways we're all looking for our home. Some of us already have a home, you know, and, you know, in Zen, the feeling of your home, you know, you move back into your home. Both Kagari Roshi and Suzuki Roshi used to say Zen is to settle the self on the self. Move out of your head, into your body, into your deep being, you know, into yourself, into your true nature. Settle down, settle in. And, you know, sometimes this is a little bit, you know, you get down, when you start to practice regularly, of course, you find yourself in the basement.

[09:03]

And there's a lot of leftover stuff down there that you haven't always sorted out. You just moved up to the attic. So usually, over the course of some Zen practice, you will spend some time in the basement. What is underneath? What is under? What is down? What is beneath the surface? and begin to sort through things. And this, of course, is also the spirit world. Sometimes when you're down in the spirit world, of course, then when you come back to the surface, you bring a gift or, you know, a boon, some talisman that you take with you into the everyday world. Anyway, I decided you can have my life. So I think in some ways this is very positive.

[10:05]

You know, I wanted to be there for others, to be like a source of, you know, compassion and wisdom the way that Suzuki Rishi had been for so many people. And on the other hand, you know, over a number of years there after he died, I also found that, you know what? I need to live my life and not try to live his. Do you understand? And little by little, you know, I came back to Suzuki Roshi's teaching, when you are you, Zen is Zen. Why don't you be yourself? I'll get to know you better that way. Some of you are trying to be good Zen students. Why don't you be yourself? I'll get to know you better that way. So this is a very interesting puzzle for us.

[11:06]

Should we aim to be somebody who is likable, appreciated, admired, or can we be ourselves? And is there some difference? And maybe it has something to do with going through all that stuff in the basement. So it turns out, you know, and somehow I don't doubt the timing of this, but just the last couple weeks coming up to today, I've been thinking a lot about Suzuki Rashi's expression encouraging us to study, to find out what is your inmost request.

[12:09]

What is your inmost request? And that actually we practice Zen so you can find out your inmost request. You know, people have different words for this. You know, Joseph Campbell said, follow your bliss. And Jack Kornfield, who I studied Vipassana with, you know, Jack uses the expression, what is your true heart's desire? And Suzuki Rishi used inmost request, what is your inmost request and what is, you know, and to encourage us to realize our true nature. You should know your true nature and express your true nature. And for instance then he said, We have precepts.

[13:11]

You know, a disciple of Buddha does not kill. A disciple of the Buddha does not take what is not given. And he said, you know, there's two ways to understand the precepts. One is you literally try to follow that. Not killing, not taking, not lying, not slandering. And you really try to do this and don't do that and do this and don't do that. And then on the other hand, he said there's a positive way of understanding the precepts, which is when you are sitting zazen, you are expressing your true nature. You are one with your true nature. As soon as you stand up, you're going to have some problems. And you may lose yourself. But interestingly enough, this was one of the reasons I started practicing Zen, you know, because as a teenager I thought, you know, all kinds of desires come into your head.

[14:16]

Well, why would I chase after them? Is that what I want to be doing? Just something pops into your head, chase after it? I thought, no, I want to sit. I want to be able to say no when things pop into my head, not just, well, yes, of course, I should chase after you. make you come true. So I didn't, I don't know, I've never been a very good consumer, for instance, you know. But Suzuki Rishi said, so the other, the positive way of understanding the precepts is, To realize your true nature and express, live your true nature. So our true nature doesn't want to, doesn't desire to, doesn't kill. Our true nature doesn't take what isn't given.

[15:19]

We want to benefit others. We don't want to harm others. This is our true nature. And then sometimes with Buddhist vows we try to say this. Disciple the Buddha does not kill. does not harm. But the deeper or the expression of this is also, so it's not just do this, don't do that, but this is something coming from you, not imposed on you from outside as the thing to do to be a better person, to be spiritual, to be somebody who can be admired or liked, who's better than you are. Thank goodness, at last. Got rid of that terrible person that I was. So this is actually related to, I've been studying Dogen with a group of my students, and we're just, you know, I keep coming back to the basics, Dogen's meditation instructions.

[16:27]

And he says... in his meditation instructions, strive to hit the mark. So what would that be? Well, thankfully he has, in another place, he says, what is it to hit the mark? He says, hitting the mark is to realize Buddhahood, to realize Buddha without changing anything about yourself. When you are you, sin is sin. When you are you, Buddha is Buddha. Your true nature, there's no, your true nature does not have problems. Your true nature is, you know, boundless. Very much like, you know, Pema Chodron says, you are the sky, everything else is the weather. Realize you're the sky and not the weather.

[17:37]

Without changing any of the weather, you're the sky. Realize you're Buddha without changing anything. And the amazing thing about Suzuki Roshi is that he would look at you and you knew. I am Buddha. I am the sky. I don't need to identify with all of my problems anymore. You know, one time this happened to me, literally, I was in the kitchen working and, you know, we get very stressed. I would get very stressed in the kitchen, all the things to get done, and you have to have it ready on time. There are no excuses. It's ready on time. You know, when the bell is rung, the food is served. I mean, I was at a Tibetan center one time. When the food is ready, the bell is rung. So we don't have any stress in the kitchen. All of you who might be eating are stressing about when the food's going to come. So in Zen, we try to take on that stress for you.

[18:41]

We're bodhisattvas. So I was stressing and worried about getting things done and who's going to do what and what's next and all the things to do. And I heard my name being called Ed. But, you know... It's so interesting. That Ed was not me. Not the person I thought I was. That Ed was the most wonderful person you could be. So I didn't realize at first somebody was calling me. Anxious, stressed, irritated, frustrated. And then I turned, looked around, who's being called? And there was Suzuki Roshi standing in the door of the kitchen.

[19:42]

And then when I saw him, everything was gone. It was vast sky. Because he could see it. And when he saw it, you could see it. You're the sky. Everything else, it's weather. It comes and goes. I don't think it worked for everybody. It's so interesting how somehow we find the things that we connect with Because this is another sense of your inmost request. How do you know your inmost request? It's like, well, why do you turn here and not there? How do you find your work in the world, your partners, your house? Where do you live?

[20:46]

What do you do? How do we make choices? And sometimes, if we're lucky, the choices we've made are more in accord more in alignment with inmost request. And then you feel happy. You feel in alignment with who you are and who you came here to be with your true nature. True nature, of course, is also in Zen called your original face, what was your original face before your parents were born? Originally, you know, who are you before you take on all this stuff and how to be a good person, how to be a good three-year-old, four-year-old, 10-year-old, 20-year-old, how to, you know, take care of your responsibilities, obligations, commitments, you know,

[21:56]

Who, you know, what was your original face? What is your true nature? What is your inmost request? And Suzuki Rishi would remind us again and again, we practice Zen so you can know your inmost request. You should find out your inmost request. And he also said, of course, the most important point is to find out. What is the most important point? The most important point is your inmost request. And can you bring your everyday life, activity, speech into alignment with your inmost request? It's something inside you. It's not from outside. It's not trying to be in alignment with something that

[23:02]

You know, this is not like all the, you know, in our education system, you know, we get tested for something you can measure. You cannot measure how much, you know, you're not going to get a score for how much your life is in accord with your inmost request. But you'll know. And this is to begin to study what are the signs and how do I know am I going towards, away from my inmost request and expressing that, manifesting it. Why I say, you know, it's not necessarily for everybody, but, you know, one time I saw Suzuki Roshi, I was visiting with Suzuki Roshi and, you know, I had many, many difficulties practicing Zen.

[24:31]

I've had difficulties all my life. And at one point, I was visiting Siddiquish in his cabin at Tassahara. It's the cabin, you know, that is now cabin 20. It was moved and we built a founder's hall where his old cabin was. At the time, I was there with him. And we stood up from our talking and And Suzuki Roshi came over to me and he put his arms around me and he gave me a hug. And he said, I will always be with you.

[25:32]

And it was like the time in the kitchen, only more, you know, it was like... so to speak, electric, you know. Kind of an explosion inside of energy. And I took his word for it. And it's true. It's very interesting, you know, think we're you know we're different in various ways but my you know I have a certain sensibility for connection I think we all long for connection you know from connection with you know in a larger sense source what is divine what is Dogen now in causes translation of the Dogen's instructions for Zazen he says you know the essential art of meditation is think

[26:49]

not thinking. And now cause change, the second part, it used to say, think not thinking, what is not thinking, non-thinking. Did you get something from that? So now cause change, the translation, and it's now think not thinking, what is not thinking, beyond thinking. This is, again, poetic for how What is this business like? Something from beyond. It's not just I'm this one little soul down here. And we tend to get involved in this in our culture, certainly. How do I get mine? I don't care about yours or relationship, but I'm going to get mine as long as you don't stop me from it. This is freedom. And we don't have the sense of how do I make this work for everybody. But some of us do, you know, because that's more our true nature.

[27:54]

How do I make this work for everybody? So, you know, our true nature is also something from beyond. Or, you know, what Suzuki Rishi called big mind. Big mind is always there. always on your side. So that was Suzuki Rashi's language for the sky, you know, big mind, always there, always on your side. Even when, you know, small mind, when you're busy with small mind, I want this monkey mind, you know, going here, going there, getting this, getting that, you know, getting rid of something, you know, attaining something, you know, improving, measuring up, succeeding. So, Big mind doesn't go anyplace then, you just don't notice it. You don't notice big mind until small mind is quiet.

[28:56]

But I just found out recently, you know, when my brother was a student at Tassara, another one of the students there, who turned out to be David Chadwick, it was the first practice period at Tassara in 1967, in the summertime. July and August. After that we started having guest season in July and August, but the first practice period was July and August. It was terribly hot and my brother liked to, he said, just go and sit by the creek and watch the water go by and listen. But there was this student, David Chadwick, who kept pestering him about being at meditation at the scheduled time. And finally he decided he'd had enough and he was leaving. So he went to see Suzuki Roshi and said, you know, I don't like this getting pestered about my Zazen attendance. And Suzuki Roshi said, don't worry about it.

[29:59]

I want you to stay. I need you to stay here. I want you to stay here. And my brother said, and he hugged me. It's so interesting, isn't it? Sometimes... someone hugs you and you say yes, and other times you're like, what are you doing? So any of us, we know we're not for everybody. Thank goodness, huh? I mean, we connect with some people and other people. Who knows? So my brother's, you know, become a Catholic. And he's found his home somehow. It's been one of his life challenges to find his home in the world.

[31:00]

And now his middle son, who's probably in his mid-thirties now, is a Catholic priest. So interesting. So I guess I'd like to tell you two or three more stories about Suzuki Rishas. As you can tell, I get sort of away from the subject, see if I can come back to it. One of the teachings of Suzuki Rishas that stayed with me and I think is a good example of his teaching style and similar to this business of what is your inmost request?

[32:18]

When we first started, you know, that first practice period, we were having the zendo was in what is now the dining room while we were fixing the zendo, which is now the student lunch area during the summer. You know, the original zendo at Tessera burned down in about 1977. But where we sat with Suzuki Rishi was the old zendo. It had a stone wall on one side, so some of us would sit facing this 100-year-old stone wall. And compared to a white wall, boy, you got to see all kinds of things in the stones. You'd see dragons and fishes and horses battling and all kinds of things. It was great. The wall kept changing and in the different light, and there'd be cobwebs.

[33:23]

And most of the time, somehow, all those years, I got to sit facing the wall rather than the wood or the divider or something. But anyway, we were meeting for a little bit in the temporary Zendo while we were working on that one. And we started serving meals and serving the food in the Zendo. We'd been eating family style up until that point. you know, serve some food at each table or have a buffet line. So for breakfast, we were in the habit of putting out condiments for people. We would put out milk and sugar for people's morning cereal. You know, oatmeal, rice, what is it called? Porridge, rice porridge. Anyway, rice, cornmeal, cornmeal mush, polenta. Doesn't polenta sound better than cornmeal mush? So we would have these various cereals, and then we'd put out milk and sugar. Well, some people didn't want sugar, so we'd put out honey, and then some people said, well, we should have molasses too.

[34:30]

And we like molasses, so we'd had, and then there was white sugar, brown sugar, honey, molasses, and then this is in the days before rice milk, soy milk, almond milk, hazelnut, coconut, And so some people wanted milk with more fat. You know, these things change over the years. You know, it's cultural and people are going to sell you something or another. And our culture's bought into, you know, fat phobia for the time being. Anyway, so we had milk and then some people wanted half and half and then some people like canned milk. So we try to, shouldn't you be able to have what you want? And I was the head of the kitchen. I thought, well, who am I to say, no, I'm sorry, but you can't have what you want. Because then they might look at me and accuse me of being stingy or something.

[35:38]

Look at what's wrong with you. You don't provide for us the way you should. Anyway, so this was okay when we were doing family style and you have a setup for every six or eight people at a table, right? But now we had to serve, the condiments had to go down the whole row, 15 people down the row. So if you have a tray with six or eight things on it and you start passing it down the row and then people, it takes a while. So then we started having more of these trays. So we eventually ended up with something over 40 little dishes and pitchers. And then after the meal that comes back to the kitchen, what do we do with these containers, these little things of sugar and brown sugar and honey and molasses and cream? And do we have to wash all these things?

[36:41]

So we were in the kitchen, those of us in the kitchen, wondering, like, how are we going to deal with this? What do we do? Well, about the third day we did this, we got back to the kitchen, and somebody came in the kitchen and said, Suzuki Roshi is going to give a lecture. He wants everybody to be there. So we went back, and once we were all sitting there, Suzuki Roshi said, I really don't understand you Americans. If you put so much milk and sugar on your cereal, how will you taste the true spirit of the grain? And it had never occurred to me Try to taste the true spirit of the grain. Why would you taste the true spirit of the grain? Don't you just make everything taste the way you want it to? I mean, isn't that the point of life? And if you're good at life, you get more and more things to taste the way you want them to.

[37:42]

Isn't that mean that now I'm successful, now I'm happy, now I'm great, I'm good. If I can successfully make my experiences be in accord with my taste. And that's what he said then. And he said, what, do you think you can put milk and sugar on everything and make it all taste the way you want it to? This is, you know, why don't you taste the way things are? Rather than trying to make them the way you want them to be. Why don't you taste your own true nature? why don't you know your own true nature and begin to appreciate that rather than thinking there's some way you need to be that's different than you are right now. And that you could be you. So we went back in the kitchen and rejoiced.

[38:52]

And we decided, okay, now we will just serve sesame salt with the morning cereal. So that is still the tradition now for Zendo meals. Sesame salt with breakfast cereal. When we serve the cereal in the dining room, then you get milk and sugar to your heart's content. But in the meditation hall, And you can see. Can you taste the true spirit? The true spirit. And the sensibility in Japanese then is everything has its true spirit, its true nature. And we're aiming in some way to appreciate the true nature of things and to express that, your own true nature, and to help things, carrots. truly express being carrot. And, you know, our garden to truly express being a garden.

[39:58]

You know, we have a tradition in the Zendo, which is, you know, where we, it used to be more, you know, very common, we would take the cushions and then fluff them up. So the cushions, when they sat in the meditation hall, they're full of themselves. They're cushions. We help them manifest the cushionedness of being cushions. They're upright. They're tall. They're ready for you to sit on them. Nowadays, you know, many of our cushions have become kind of Vipassana cushions. They're not sand cushions anymore. We're laid back and relaxed. Anyway, I want to tell you one other story, which for me was very important.

[41:05]

And probably as many, as much as any of the words to Zikrashi said, stay with me as much as any. Again, we were in the middle of another sashin. And of course, sashins are extremely challenging in various ways, you know, physically, emotionally. In those days, we used to, you know, hit each other with big sticks. We don't do that so much anymore. I've spent some sashims, you know, you lean forward and, you know, put your hands up and go, show you, lean to the side, and then they're supposed to hit you on this big, broad muscle here. But sometimes, you know, they could miss and, you know, clip your ear or across your backbone.

[42:10]

So you could spend days... with the soreness associated with your fellow students' mis-aim. But anyway, so shins you know are very challenging. And one morning, and you know Suzuki Roshi said his practice changed after he almost drowned. at the Narrows at Tassajara. He said the students were having so much fun that he dove in forgetting that he didn't know how to swim. And then he was looking up and he saw the legs of the beautiful girls but he couldn't grab them. And then he thought he'd go down to the bottom and walk and he couldn't find the bottom.

[43:12]

Anyway, somehow he got out of this. And he said his practice got more serious after this, after he almost died. And then, of course, he was dying, you know, because he had cancer. So this was towards the, in the last couple of years there at some point, we were doing, having Sashin at Tassahara and... It wasn't very often that he spoke during Zazen, but on this morning he spoke and he said, don't move, just die. Nothing will help you now because you have no more moments left. Not even enlightenment will help you because this is your last moment.

[44:17]

So, sit. Don't move. Be true to yourself. Be true to your true nature and express yourself fully. Express yourself fully, you know, on the spot. I'm adding on the spot. How will you do that? This is the big issue for us, really important point. How can you, for you to be you, to do what you came here to do, to have enough strength and determination and intensity and passion Something comes through each of us from beyond. And what's coming to us is, for some of us, painting, music, art, sculpture, writing, words, language, science, mathematics, accounting.

[45:38]

All kinds of things come through. Healing. massage therapy, acupuncture, physical therapy, cranial sacral. So many things come through us. And also coming through us is the kind of life to live, to live in harmony with one another, to find a life that's satisfying and sustaining and mutually beneficial with people in our lives. And who are those people? And how do I work with these people? And can I see the true spirit in someone else? Can they see my true spirit? How do I do this? And that's not just us. That's something bigger than us. A big mind, sky, true nature, original face.

[46:44]

If you, you know, I don't want to go on much more, but you know, if you take Rumi, for instance, you know, Rumi says things like, let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really want. What is that, what you really want? And he also says, you know, the way that leaves blow in the wind and twigs and move in the water, in the puddles. And the way the water goes, he says, it's all and you. Everything is an expression of the love it's been given. So, you know, depending on how you understand your true nature is also, you know, love. What is it that you've been given?

[48:13]

How will you share that? What do you do? And in some ways we're moved by the love we've been given, and in some ways we move toward that love or toward that expression. So each of us is finding And it's a whole craft that we've been involved in all our life. A craft to... Where do I go? What do I do? How do I do this? What's important? So we're all in the middle of this. Studying this. And we've gotten... We're here because we've been doing this. And at the same time, you know, we're finding our way into a future that we don't know.

[49:18]

So, thank you for being here today on a day that I find, you know, very auspicious, wonderful, and sad and poignant, the 40th anniversary of Suzuki Roshi's passing. And I appreciate the opportunity to share this with you and to support you, each of you, in finding your way, knowing and expressing your true nature, living the love you've been given, being in alignment with your true nature. Thank you, blessings. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[50:37]

May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[50:40]

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