Memorial Day weekend and I think for many people Memorial Day weekend is a holiday and there's picnics and one may not have a particular person connected with the various wars that we've fought that is remember one may not have someone to remember particularly on that day so it's a combination and it reminds me a little bit of the Mexican Day of the Dead where there's remembering the dead but feasting and humor and holiday festival feeling including remembering people who've died but actually every day is a Memorial Day for someone every day is the anniversary

[01:04]

of someone's death and we have various ways to to remember on the altar the altar in this room there's number of little plaques little cards with names on them and people often ask for us to do a service for someone who's died and we mentioned their name at the end of a particular chant a chant of great compassion and it's dedicated to that person and other people may have other ways of remembering lighting candles recently I heard this story on the radio about was kind of a memorial day story

[02:06]

not about a soldier it was maybe some of you happen to have caught it it was on NPR was driving and it was about a family whose son young son I think like 12 maybe had some terminal illness and he at the end of his life asked that his ashes be scattered on the lake that was his favorite lake near their house so after he died the family got in a boat with the ashes and his little brother and the parents they went out onto the boat to scatter his ashes and while they were scattering them a butterfly came fluttering over right around the boat right where they were in this mother said that's Jonathan and they watched this butterfly fluttering around and the next day they must have lived near a lake they were out on the lake again

[03:11]

fishing or something doing something on the boat and the butterfly showed up again and came fluttering around and the father said what that's Jonathan came to see us and the next day the little brother was with this family on the beach and he was digging in the sand and he dug up a moth that came kind of fluttering out of the sand and was flying around and the little boy said that's Jonathan but he's changed his shirt butterflies it turns out recently I was in a very intense discussion with someone who was having a reaction about butterflies some kind of fear some kind of discomfort with butterflies that she was studying and she couldn't figure it

[04:15]

out because you know butterflies you think of Walt Disney and zippity-doo-dah and little butterflies flying on your shoulder so what's the problem with butterflies but in doing some research I found out that butterflies are and if you think about it long enough are associated with death and with death and rebirth and kind of the evanescence of life and transformation so the actual etymology of the word in Germanic and Slavic and Greek has to do with nightmare the word is like mora morava which means both death and death the death goddess and also butterfly so

[05:15]

they're very connected the words the root of the word in English butterfly doesn't have that kind of connection so the butterfly that doesn't live very long it's very beautiful and yet when we see it we can feel the impermanence of our life and that can be very unnerving and in many cultures the drawing of butterfly on sarcophagi you know kind of coffin like art boxes you know often there's a butterfly or there have been found I should say butterflies decorating these urns and

[06:17]

crypts sort of so so this story about Jonathan the butterfly seemed so perfect now the butterfly emerges from a chrysalis and the chrysalis was spun the cocoon was spun and then it's called a chrysalis so there's various stages for the emergence of this butterfly so we're about to kind of spin a cocoon tonight starts the beginning of a five-day meditation week called a session session means to gather the mind and for many people who have never sat a session they may

[07:21]

think what is this that people are up to what are they gonna do for that five days and must be horrible and scary and you know you may have some ideas associated with what this must be like and why do people do this and usually sessions come or often they come at the end of a 90 day or 49 day practice period a time of intense more intense practice and study so we're just finishing up our 49 day practice period and I feel that the members of the practice period right now are many of them I would say are feeling rather tenderized and maybe vulnerable vulnerable comes from the word that means to wound so kind of able to be wounded able to be actually the defenses are kind of down the energy that goes into all the defenses that we often have have

[08:24]

been worked on and kind of soften and kind of very permeable at the end of this time and when I say tenderized I mean feeling tender and also well actually I I'm not sure how meat is tenderized I guess you pound it that's what I used to do my mom I think used to pound and that breaks the fibers you know down so we with all the zazen and study and quiet and you kind of broken down some of the usual rigid defenses and ways of being habitual ways of being they get broken down and you get tenderized and so going into sashimi now someone might feel that oh you're just going to veg out for

[09:31]

five days yeah just sitting around and like a couch potato as awful potato and and maybe do some cocooning right isn't cocooning where you kind of get your video and some food you get in the Chinese food and then you just sit there and your couch and watch the show and it's very cozy and but I actually feel like it really is like a potato not like a couch potato but like a real potato when you put we just planted hundreds of potatoes and you take this thing and it's got these eyes you know these little growths and you put it in the earth and cover it up and step on it walk down the rows and step it down in and then it's under there you know and it's it's just vital and alive this potato it's it's vegging out you know but really so I think this sashimi is closer to that

[10:34]

closer to the real life of the potato and the real life of a vegetable and the real life of the cocoon cocooning not to you know keep everything out but to do the kind of growing that you need to do the word cocoon and the word chrysalis which is this stage oh this is interesting the larva which is the caterpillar that the butterfly the butterfly produces these caterpillars and the word caterpillar means hairy cat which in French I guess so you know they have those little hairs and it's also called a larva and the larva the Greek word for larva means disembodied mask or spirit disembodied spirit or mask so you have this kind of not yet form not yet connected up being that now that may be an extreme I'm not saying everybody was about to sit so sheen is kind of a disembodied spirit

[11:38]

but you one might be feeling very tender very vulnerable and it's time to go in and spin your cocoon to to do some work that you need to do to transform and the chrysalis comes from the word that means gold Cronos so you have this kind of golden time to do the work you need to do kind of without distraction and without having to take care of a lot of things outside you just turn in and do this very important work by yourself with everybody so we're about to start we're going to start tonight and sit for till Friday afternoon now some of you may feel like well this

[12:38]

is I'm never gonna do this this is beyond my can or beyond my experience and I'm just gonna have to slog around feeling like a disembodied mask and not ever get my chrysalis going here but I actually feel that this session time is not so different from experiences that we all have and I just recently was visiting my mother who was in the hospital for about two weeks she was in the hospital for two weeks I visited only for weekend but it reminded me very much a session and I'm sure many people here have done the day-to-day taking care of someone who's ill you go to the hospital every day it's the same thing you know you go at a certain time you come in you get your seat your regular settle in and then it's just the details of the day there's all sorts of bodily functions checking them checking amounts quality color all sorts of details and the food big be

[13:47]

exciting time of the day lunch arrives you know this is just like sashimi where you play you pay close attention to the details of the day to your body taking care of this and it it's difficult you know to go back to the hospital every day it's not fun particularly but it's necessary and you can't turn away from it or sitting with someone at home while they go through their transformations you know and the changes that happen in it and may happen very rapidly right before your eyes and this takes this is not easy to do and many people may not know how to take care of themselves during these kinds of times one may get very burnt out or strung out what do we say just not know how to

[14:55]

take care of one's own body and mind while being in this kind of a session hospital hospice taking care of someone so there's a saying from the Zen master one Yuan Wu which is the essential point to learn in Zen is to make the roots deep and the stem firm 24 hours a day be aware of where you are and what you do this Zen master was from 10 hundreds 1063 I think to 11 something so the essential point for learning Zen is to make the roots deep and the stem firm which to me is just a

[15:58]

description of the Zazen posture you know this rooted feeling of your body in a stable position and the stem you know of your backbone this is they're literally speaking firm and then from there you are aware 24 hours a day be aware of where you are and what you do now this is much this is very simple it was very simple but it's much more simple is it easier said than done recently someone was describing a situation where they they actually woke up somewhere in an apartment and didn't know how they got there due to various excesses of body speech in mind I guess and how disturbing that was how and frightening and what a wake-up call that was to her to realize

[17:06]

that her actions the consequences of her actions were such that she could find herself somewhere where she really didn't know how she got there and what had happened you know so 24 hours a day to know where you are and what you do so Sashin is very helpful in this way the schedules letting us know all the time where you're supposed to be there's various sounds it's time to go to the Zendo time to take a break time to go to work time to serve a meal do service all day long you're being helped it's a very helpful time and and then to know what you do what are you doing what is it that's going on and and the same thing in the hospital setting for someone to to know what it

[18:11]

is they're feeling what where they are they're right there with this person and what are they doing with them and to admit what's going on one of the main one of the main things about knowing where you are and what you're doing is to admit to yourself what you're up to and what you're doing now the word admit you know it has the sense of to acknowledge I admit such and such or to confess to to admit that you've done something to acknowledge thoroughly confess means to intensely speak comes fest comes from the root to speak so to speak with intensity is to confess so so when you admit when you acknowledge where you are and what you're doing at that very same moment you

[19:14]

allow yourself in which is another meaning of the word admit to let in or entrance admittance so they have this it has this dual turning meaning to admit where you are is to be actually where you are fully whether you like what you're doing or not doesn't matter that's not the important thing as much as to admit what's going on and then you are immediately there fully if you don't admit if you don't acknowledge you can't actually enter your life that you you don't have a ticket of admittance it takes full confession every moment to know what's going on where you are now we can

[20:15]

fool ourselves you know oh yes I'm trying to help that person and yada yada but if you admit it you may see this is you're doing it for you you're you know you're making that comment to that person so you can feel better so you can feel more whatever it is you know to get on to get into the details of one's kidding and fooling around with oneself with oneself to actually admit and then immediately you're you're fully there now the word we use the word refuge to take refuge in Buddha Dharma and Sangha which are the three treasures Buddhism triple treasure the triple gem and the word refuge means to fly back in Japanese the word they use is ki a they say namu ki a butsu I take refuge we translate that as I take refuge in Buddha and the word ki a means the key part means to

[21:16]

unreservedly throw yourself into that's key and the a is to rely on so to take refuge is to unreservedly throw yourself into and the rely on and I don't think it means and rely and rely on a particular thing you rely on the unreservedly throwing yourself into there's you can rely on that and what happens when you unreservedly throw yourself into or admit who you are where you are and what you're doing is fully meeting your life and fully meeting the triple treasure in your life someone else was recently talking with me about having found himself doing things that he would

[22:27]

he would excuse me he would never do such a thing he's not the kind of person who would do that thing that's not him and yet there was there was proof he I mean he could prove that he was doing these things but the disparity between the kind of ideas one has about who you are and who you are in the world what you're capable of and the actuality you know to bring those together to bring those completely together and unreservedly throw yourself into your life whatever it is and this takes a heart and courage and this courage and heart to help you find your roots making your roots deep and your stem firm you know the cocoon is a very firm the chrysalis the cocoon is a firm thing that's wrapped around the larvae and then the pupa it's firm which this spinning of gold

[23:38]

is firm around you like this firm stem to help you with this metamorphosis transformation into being who you are who you really are there's a woman's in teacher in Japan who had a Zen master who grew lived to be 96 years old and she practiced with him when he was I think in like his 70s and she was maybe in her 20s or 30s and then 30 years later when he was 96 she practiced with him again and she was about in her 50s or so and she asked him what what was it that his what was his secret of long life or you know how did he live his life to live it's such a full and long life and you know what he said he said that he always ate three meals a day now and then he said

[24:53]

now that may sound very simple but to actually do that is not so simple so you know to think about living a life that has the calm and the order and the pace to be able to have three meals a day and also I mean this man had access to three meals a day as well I'm many millions of people don't but to have access to three meals a day and to actually have your three meals a day is what would that mean think of your life the changes that would have to be made in order to have three meals a day and no more no less you know it's like when you first begin to sit when you decide well I'm gonna sit Zazen in the morning early morning well it means that Zazen starts at 5 or 5.50 so you have

[25:56]

to get up then which means you have to go to bed a little early well if you go to bed early pretty soon that means you can't do various things because they end too late because you want to get to bed early so you can get up early and sit Zazen and then you may not want a big heavy meal because you're gonna go to bed early to get up early to and pretty soon your entire life kind of is revolving around and oriented towards the fact that you're gonna sit Zazen every day at this certain time and I think that's true you make one you know you pick up one part of your life that you're gonna thoroughly do have three meals a day let's say or sit at a certain point of the day certain time and everything begins to orient around that you can't do it unless there's changes here and there and choices so it it's a very it's a huge decision you know it's a life

[27:02]

changing decision can be so sitting quietly doing nothing knowing what you're doing and where you are is ours and practice that's available to everybody it's not reserved for people who are able to be in residence here do practice period or sit a session this is available right now for everyone and sitting quietly and doing nothing sometimes we talk about Zazen is sitting quietly doing nothing which sounds so well I don't know how it sounds but one may not get the feeling that

[28:06]

there's life going on like that potato under the ground or the pupa in the lar in the chrysalis this dynamic event going on sitting if you look at that cocoon and it's sitting quietly doing nothing over there not bothering anybody but the the life vital life going on in sitting quietly doing nothing is for you to discover you know this this hatching out of the chrysalis what comes out is this butterfly and it reminds me also of the image of the chicken you know that and hatching the egg and the word brood to brood we usually think of brood as someone who's kind of moody and sullen and oh they're just brooding just leave them alone but the word brood is

[29:09]

actually to hatch a brood is your you know your children is or the chickens children the brood and it means you know it's close with the word bread and to brew to actually cook you know and brew up some kind of spirits or what do you brew beer and ale and those kinds of things get brewed and also it's connected with cooking and the word burn and brandish you know and a brand fire brand these are all connected with this word brood so to hatch to sit there and hatch and wait until when the when it's ready you know when it's ready to come out circling and cooking just cooking up

[30:15]

your life and not not taking the bread out too soon and not waiting too long having the exact right moment this is also our Zazen practice so someone who's been cooked you know when you hear them when you hear them speak when you hear them speak with their authentic voice it gives you confidence you feel like well I can be myself too I can know 24 hours a day where I am and what I do also if I admit who I am and speak from there there's not really a problem you know I I once was asked to give a Dharma talk it was at Tassajara and I was the head of practice the Tantra in the city and I was invited down to Tassajara for the summer and they often invite people to give

[31:17]

lectures and I thought oh how nice to be asked and I my oldest my daughter was little enough that she was still nursing and so I thought well nurse her she was a big nurse er so I'll nurse her put her down for her evening you know to go to sleep and then I'll go it'll work the timing out perfectly and then I'll go to the Zendo and do the talk you know so I've been studying for the talk during the day and then it was time to nurse her but she was such a big nurse so she just was nursing nursing nursing nurse she didn't want to stop nursing and the Han is going you know you know it's time for me to get in there go do my talk and she's nursing nursing nursing so finally she stopped and I kind of went into the Zendo and tried to speak about Dogen Zenji and Zen and but actually if you're a nursing mother those of you have been there's various hormones and things that get secreted

[32:18]

while you're nursing in order to make you feel completely relaxed and comfortable like a big cow which is what you're supposed to be and I at that time had what Rusa Chu calls milk mind which was kind of you know you can't really put two and two together no math forget being transformed into a cow is how you're supposed to feel doesn't quite go with giving a Dharma talk so I got up there and I could not I was just fumbling and couldn't remember and and it was sort of it was very embarrassing and then later on I was chastised by someone for you know if you're going to give a talk at Tassajara and the guests are there and done it up and you should prepare and you know now later on many years later after a lot of therapy years later I realized had I gone

[33:26]

into the lecture and just said you know I just finished nursing my baby and she's and just talked about I love Zazen and aren't we all happy to be here and some some kind of lecture like that which would admit this is who I am this is what my this is what I'm doing this is where I am and authentically speak from there with no trying to be something else trying to be a Zen teacher or some to just speak authentically it would have been fine probably would have been a fine lecture of a certain kind of type you know that and but I was trying to be other than and sort of pretend I was something different and not admit to myself and so I didn't have the ticket to just be who I was I didn't confess who I was and it's like that it's it's not a big deal it's not like I have to

[34:28]

get down to my deepest darkest most horrible secret at all times and present that it's more looking at who you are and what's going on and including all that including as much as you possibly can and speak from there and it is such a relief to everybody around you and yourself and it's it's true you know it's it's firm like that stem making your stem firm it has you know they talk about wood being true it's in alignment it's straight so sitting quietly doing nothing I wanted to end with a little commentary by Christopher Robin about sitting quietly and doing nothing maybe you know this from house at Pooh Corner

[35:29]

so Christopher Robin is there anyone who doesn't know who Christopher Robin is so a couple people Christopher Robin is a little boy six years old and he has stuffed animals that are alive in his most favorite stuffed animals a bear called Winnie the Pooh and he also has a little pig called piglet and there's a donkey called Eeyore and rabbit and owl and they have adventures together and they live together in this forest and Christopher Robin is growing up he's getting older and he's gonna have to go to school and he's talking with Pooh about it but he doesn't come out and say it he's kind of alluding to the fact that things are going to be changing pretty soon this is at the end of house at Pooh Corner and so they're going along together and Christopher Robin says to Pooh what do you like doing best in the world Pooh well said Pooh what I like best and then he had to stop and

[36:34]

think because although eating honey was a very good thing to do there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were but he didn't know what it was called and then Pooh goes on and says what he thinks is best which is what I like best in the whole world is me and piglet going to see you meaning Christopher Robin and you saying what about a little something should you piglet and it being a hummy sort of day outside and birds singing I like that too said Christopher Robin but what I like doing best is nothing how do you do nothing asked Pooh after he had wondered for a long time well it's when people call out at you just as you're going off to do it what are you going to do Christopher Robin and you say oh nothing and

[37:41]

then you go and do it oh I see said Pooh this is a nothing sort of thing that we're doing now oh I see said Pooh again and Christopher Robin says it means just going along listening to all the things you can't hear and not bothering oh said Pooh that's a little bit like sashimi you know just going along and not bothering you know with all the things that are coming up listening to all the things you can't hear listening being very aware of where you are and what you're doing 24 hours a day not really bothering just allowing those things to come up come forward and reveal themselves and be aware but not bothering so much now a little bit later on Christopher Robin he's

[38:44]

trying to let Pooh know that you know things are going to change and he calls out Pooh and Pooh says yes when I'm when Pooh yes Christopher Robin I'm not going to do nothing anymore never again well not so much they don't let you and what I want to say was that I think that's true at a point we feel like we have to leave childish things behind but we often leave the wrong childish things behind you actually don't have to leave behind doing nothing that I wish that Christopher Robin knew that maybe he didn't know that you don't really have to leave that behind you can sit quietly and do nothing and listen to all the things you can't hear and not be bothered you could actually do that nobody can take that away from you no life circumstance or environment it's really

[39:55]

you have the capacity to find that every moment it can't really be taken away even in prison even in some horrible situation you do have this capacity to unreservedly throw yourself into what's happening the last thing I wanted to say was about something about this person who was in prison and how he found some bit of freedom this is this has been up around Zen Center and I don't know if anyone's ever talked about in a lecture this is a letter from Vaclav Havel in 1976 to his wife and he's talking about tea making a cup of tea in prison are you familiar with this basically he says when I was outside I didn't understand the cult of tea that exists in

[40:56]

prison but I wasn't here long before grasping its significance and then he says in effect it's the only thing that you can do freely you can prepare it yourself you can make it when you do it is entirely up to you you can make it different times you can make it as strong as you like it it's totally up to you how long you steep it and it's this small bit of relaxation and pause amidst the day the world of freedom considered as leisure time is represented by tea in the opposite in the extroverted and therefore the social sense sitting down to a cup of tea here is a substitute for the world of bars wine social life and so forth you choose yourself and when you realize your freedom in social terms through this tea you you choose when to do it and he says I drink it every day I look forward to it and consuming it which I schedule carefully so it does not become

[42:01]

a formless and random activity is an extremely important component in my daily self-care program so I think he had to find out how to take care of himself in prison just like we have to find out how to take care of ourselves in the hospital or in some difficult circumstances or session to really take care of herself okay thank you very much I almost let out crying I was that six-year-old it was feeling that as 56 year old woman and it was it was

[43:05]

very painful to hear that and then you said and I was again reminded that you know what we're doing here is a counterbalance to that that that's not true and that's why I come here and that's why I listen to these lectures that's why I keep showing up all the time is that to remind myself and have other people remind me that that's not true I agree and you hear it over and over and over again yeah oh or people are coming people can sit up here there's not enough room to my kids but there's also these tapes out by Carol Channing who reads Winnie the Pooh she's

[44:10]

read all the books and she does all these different voices for for Pooh and Piglet and Kangaroo and it's just marvelous if you ever want to give a gift to a child Carol Channing reading Winnie the Pooh it's really wonderful and there's also music you know she the little hums and things of Pooh how many of you here know Pooh the little hums are actually set to music you know they're very nice tapes we didn't give them to ourselves anyone else like to bring something up yes well I was really struck by your comment and actually your whole way of being is really like the comment which was when you're authentic then the person you're with has

[45:13]

permission also to be authentic and it's not a question particularly I mean it isn't a question but I just I guess I wanted to appreciate how authentic you are and it really makes me feel comfortable to be more who I am so if you want to talk about that more thank you thank you very much it's true I know for myself when someone I have this story where I was some was in college and I was not in this program and one of the teachers in the program it was a program abroad and one of the teachers was a little person you know we don't use the word dwarf now but or midget but a little person and she had kind of her head was not quite a proportion and there's various

[46:14]

things about her but she was this great teacher and she was so comfortable with herself and so authentic that you just forgot very soon that she was you know not your run-of-the-mill person physically looking at her and she was able to make everyone else feel very comfortable usually feel like what am I gonna say I'm gonna make a mistake reference something or you know you get so she was just out there and I do feel like being around people it does give one self-confidence you know to just be who you are just and it's such a relief you know it's not really I also feel I appreciate you saying how you felt about me and my feeling is that it's it's an ongoing effort it's not like you know you're authentic and that's it you know it's actually because we can fool ourselves so easily get caught and deluded about what's going on there was one lecture that you

[47:22]

gave where you said I wanted to make this the most profound wonderful lecture you've ever heard and as I prepare talks myself that's how I feel I want it to be like magnificent and then I and I want it to be real and we're much less we don't judge other people as strongly as they judge ourselves you know I listen to talks every Sunday I go and they're just fine I always get something out of them you know and doesn't have to be the greatest in the world it's a perfectly what is it perfectly adequate talk that and each person takes something out of it differently you know you never know when you say something whose ears heard it one way or another so you don't one doesn't judge the person who's giving the talk so strictly you know but then you anyway you all know what about this right yes that's very good say something about why it is or what it is about

[48:31]

us and the courage the heart that leads us uh-huh well one might say it's mysterious you know because here you are taking sitting cross-legged sitting quietly doing nothing and then you go out into the world and hey you can just be with people you know it's like I mean not that it happens just like that but it almost feels like they don't have anything to do with each other you know and yet there's like it's sort of indirectly connected maybe but you don't quite see what the process is of how doing this one particular

[49:33]

activity would have anything to do with anything is that kind of your question yeah well I don't think I can actually say what the process is I actually do feel it it's inconceivable really what actually happens but you know there's um when you sit there and let's see the the actual way that we exist in the world is authentic you know so when you sit zazen and calibrate yourself to get as close to just being who you are as possible you know without anything extra I mean in zazen instruction which sounds like it's a very simple thing when you go to zazen instruction you're asked to um you know take this posture and which is very particular and then to

[50:40]

not either push anything away or pull anything towards you to just allow things to be you don't have to get rid of them you don't have to elaborate and keep them you just sit there quietly you know being aware and that's what you're asked to do it sounds very simple but it's like that instruction that we give in zazen is there's nothing more to say really you know it's it's like that's all there is and you might say well there's got to be more come on I mean what fess up right and I remember going back to zazen instruction a second and third time because they I wasn't they must be some secret that somebody was not coming out with you know but it was the same kind of thing you sit there and you don't you need to grab after things nor push things away and I mean in various words that was said so in order to do that what gets developed

[51:41]

you know in this chrysalis is this being that's able to be who they are without elaborating kidding themselves pushing away stuff they think is really embarrassing you know you just are who you are but it takes courage when I say that it takes courage it's like to sit there with this firm stem you know I mean even to sit with your shoulders down you know and this area relaxed and open like you're asked to do in zazen instruction you know relax your shoulders and this areas you know if you're used to defending yourself and hold all that to go like that and drop your shoulders it's like the world turns upside down and inside out you know it's a profound it takes so much courage to be able to do that to lower your shoulders and just kind of open that you know you might burst into tears which people do if you adjust their posture and they open this up

[52:47]

so we live so much of our life you know defending it and holding it and making excuses and not saying and it's just like that you know so to be able to actually just sit there quietly being who you are it's so it's so unusual so and and it takes it does take courage to sit there really does because it's painful what when you see kind of how you've been living or who you are or what's coming up what you've been hiding from you know which will come up if you're just sitting there it's so painful that you need that a lot of fear and stuff comes up too so you need courage yes a friend asked last week why do you do that I didn't know how to answer why do you say

[53:55]

and did you just answer that or is that what you would say to someone who had never been why did we say did it get answered for you just that do you think did it get answered for you just then was that an answer that you can imagine yes part of it I felt my own response yeah well you know we sit because because we sit you know it's actually if we have any kind of ulterior ulterior motive like I'm gonna sit and get myself together and then I'm gonna go out and conquer the world or some it's kind of adding extra it's extra we sit because this is

[55:01]

our this is the fullest expression of who we are which is inconceivable so so what do you do about that well how about trying this and see if that gets close see if that feels like it hits the mark you know but to try to describe that to somebody who hasn't ever done it you know I mean you get lots of things like you're just trying to escape and it's a cult and oh you just so it's hard to describe to somebody because it's so it's wordless almost why what it is why you want to go over it you know continue day after day but then we have to say something you know but often it's more like just like you said there's people there that I trust so that's why I'm sitting often the more you're with this person and the longer you sit they begin to see something about you'd say gee what are you doing these days you know often it's through seeing people live their lives and being

[56:07]

affected by that that people other people decide they want to see what that's all about so I mean you can try various things with people skillfully answering according to the situation but I I don't think it's so easy just to answer you know rib doesn't answer why questions you know you know that yeah he he refuses to answer why questions and so whatever he says I don't answer why questions then the person asking has to reformulate it and say well how is it that or what about or you know they kind of come around it from another side because it's very hard to answer why I mean because the myriad causes and conditions you can't really point you know why and it's

[57:10]

different every day maybe but it's getting hot in here can open the window for me anyway when I started sitting it was like the only thing that actually reached part of me that needed to be hit or reached and Suzuki Roshi I think in his book says it satisfies our innermost desire you know we have this innermost longing we don't even have a name for it or what it is and our Zazen practice can meet that you know so let's see I don't know if I have a question I'm glad that you talked about Memorial Day and and I think that I'm glad I had a sitting practice because I don't know I just continue to sit and

[58:27]

today is my birthday yesterday it was my daughter's birthday and she's been missing now since October and you know it's the greatest birthday was Thursday I know there's a lot happening been happening in my life around drugs and kids and life being out of control I don't know how to be with it in my mind but you know I just continue to do my practice and I get from one point to the other I I still don't know how to think about it but I do know how to sit and just like taking the posture lets me just stay there not push it away but not get buried by it either and I think

[59:37]

that if I didn't have some kind of practice to do like sitting something that simple that I would be doing one or the other I would either be bombing on to my story and my stuff or I'd be running like hell to get away so maybe I mean that's probably why I sit although I don't know that I mean I don't explain it that way anyway I was glad you brought up dying today I'd forgotten this memorial day I was just thinking it's my birthday and I should be happy thank you Linda a very good friend of mine's mother is dying and he just brought her up from Florida where

[60:42]

she was living into his house into his bedroom he and his wife moved out to the guest room gave his mother the room and the doctor just said she had like three days to a couple weeks and she knows she's in the house and they were playing cards the other day with the grandchildren and just playing a game and he was on the couch she was on the couch and she looked over at him and she gave him a wink and for him it just said everything you know here we are we're all playing cards the kids and the grandma and it's you know it's it's banished in an instant and that wink you know she acknowledged where she was at and where he was at and the whole thing and it's so our life together and we you know you know for years and years and years we waste our time in you know

[61:50]

competing with each other and you know looking for faults of others and you know busy with everybody else's business you know and there's this then saying when will you stop this constant pounding and weaving of your mind and realize that the geese are migrating the winter's frosts are coming soon so that you know it's a wake up it's first to wake up and not to waste an instant not to waste a moment happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear Linda happy birthday to you. How many years is it today? Just 50. A friend of mine who gives a great deal of herself and her time

[63:11]

and I just had this kind of overwhelming feeling that I should call her and I did and she had just gotten this tragic news and she was able to go right to this knowledge that she had that he had done it very consciously and had left a letter and she said that she really felt that he came here to share love that it was really his time and it was so profoundly clear to her and it was so profoundly sad at the same time and I think that this paradox of the wasting and the coming of the geese and how to stay with the flow of that awareness is met in those times where we are so something so tragic and something so right seemingly to his mother happens and also this week a friend of mine's husband died in his sleep unexpectedly and it's just been this, it's been a wake up call for me of the beauty of life and the mystery that holds us all together.

[64:39]

I don't know if I'm making sense but it's how this week has been for me, just kind of this weaving of these different energies and I just appreciate being able to come to Green Gulch because it's just, they just get held here a little wider. So it helped to remember Memorial Day in the sense of peace and in the sense of war but also in the sense of dying in your sleep and then coming back to yourself and how those go on every day. Like you were saying, every day somebody is remembering their anniversary. So thank you for listening to that. Thank you. I really liked your lecture today, it felt just right to be here and I'd like you if you can say a little more about that, I don't know what to call it, interface between admitting and admission and admitting which I really get the truth of that.

[66:01]

I open up for me how true it is to admit to where I am now is an admission to deeper and greater myself. And then on the other hand going into being the role of a Zen teacher and the description of the role versus what it's so. I feel that that is a great struggle, that's a great dilemma or challenge, being in the world and adapting to what is out there. Knowing when to put on that teacher of the role, that mask or persona and also seeing it's actually the admission of what is so. I don't have a lot to say but I really feel very, very opened up by that whole awareness and the way you spoke about it and would like to understand more about it.

[67:07]

I'm trying to imagine what it would be like if you had come into the lecture and talked about the mother, being the mother and the hormones and how to get from this thing over and would you have stopped the lecture? Would you have been able to get back to what all the staff had planned to say? That's my fear I think that if I don't stay with the role and the planned performance, which is okay, it's a good thing, it's a contribution. That I would lose that connection to myself. There's a doorway there that I'd like to know more about how to keep that open. When one opens up the other shuts down somehow. I'm not sure if when one opens up the other shuts down. I think just for me, I think that's what I worry about. That's the worry, yeah. How to keep it open. Well, I think, you know, it just dawned on me the other day, this word admit, it was like, I've never, you know, and it just began to turn and turn.

[68:16]

So, yeah, I felt the same way about it. It was like this opening up and, you know, we do, for the last several years we do what's called the repentance in the morning here for service, which is, speaking of confessions, I have poison oak. I don't know if you can tell, but both eyes are a little bit swollen and something around my mouth. Anyway, so I'm a little bit. I've been taking this Chinese herbal medicine, which is like dirt. It's brown granules, dry. Let's see, where was I? So let's see, the admit. That's right, that's an admission right there. So anyway, to actually admit where you are gives you this ticket to enter your life fully. But it doesn't necessarily mean, we don't want to confuse it with, to admit where you are means maybe now you wear this persona, because if you don't, you won't be able to do your work.

[69:33]

You need this persona. It doesn't mean that you kind of sort of bare yourself, bare your soul to the bus driver and everybody else. It means that you have appropriate action. It has to do with appropriateness. Apropos, it's, you know, a Zen master asked, or a monk asked a Zen master, what is the essence of Zen? And he said an appropriate statement. So to be appropriate, to have the appropriate thing to do and say includes, it includes, there's no formula where, okay, then I have to be totally open with every single person all the time. It has to be appropriate. So admitting what's going on includes what is appropriate to do right now. And it may be you wear the executive, you know, whatever, you're giving a talk or something, you wear, you have a certain demeanor because it's appropriate for that time. But you know what you're doing. You don't get caught and think, well, that's who I am necessarily.

[70:37]

But you wear that mask or that for that time. And then you're able to set it aside and put on a new one or. So I think the fear around, well, if I really am authentic, then I've got to sort of bare my soul to everybody and tell my deepest, darkest secrets to strangers or something is going too far, you know. To completely admit who you are means you are appropriate. And it's the Buddha bus driver. The bus driver asks Buddha, but you say different things to the bus driver than you do to the Buddha, you know, best friend. So I, this thing about being able to, I think there is confusion about being able to, like someone invites you somewhere and you don't want to be with them or, and to say, well, it's really not going to work today. I'm sorry, it just doesn't work. Thanks for asking. Which, you know, and that's just simple.

[71:41]

That's what you brought. But you one may feel like you've got to tell them everything and how you're feeling about them and, you know, this and that. So to actually be able to just stand there and say, sorry, it really doesn't work. Maybe next time. That's it. That's knowing, you know, who you are, what's appropriate for you, what's appropriate for the situation. And it's authentic and it's simple. So that thing about admitting means the widest of admittance of who you are, all the causes and conditions. Don't leave them out, you know. And this thing about confession in the morning. Oh, that's what I was going to say right before I confessed about the poison oak. So in the morning we say, we do the repentance. It's called repentance or confession. All my ancient twisted karma from beginningless greed, hate and delusion born through body, speech and mind. I now fully avow. Which is admitting, you know, that you make mistakes of body, speech and mind.

[72:46]

There are consequences. People are hurt. It's eight. You can't even go back to the Y. You can't follow it back far enough. It's so intertwined with everyone else. So you avow that and every morning we do it here. So it's a great way to start the day in terms of admitting, you know. Can you say that again? Yes. All my ancient twisted karma. Karma means action. So you have this. We say ancient twisted because our actions, the whys and wherefores and what's of what we do are so. You can't actually pull up one thing that says, oh, she did it because of this. It is so interconnected, you know. So it's ancient twisted. So all my ancient twisted karma from beginningless greed, hate and delusion. These are the three poisons. Greed, hate and delusion.

[73:48]

Those are the three poisons they're called in Buddhism. Poisons. So greed is what makes us want to grab things, all the goodies and keep them for us. And hate is get the bad things out of my way. I don't want anything to do with them. And delusion is not even being so confused you don't know exactly what to do. And those things, the grabbing stuff for yourself, keeping stuff away. If you're acting in that way, someone's going to get hurt. Yourself or others. It's just, that's what happens. So greed, hate and delusion. And then if you're so confused, then people get hurt through your confusion. So all my ancient twisted karma from beginningless greed, hate and delusion. Born. And then where is the location of these? They're not just sort of floating out there. Greed, hate and delusion in the atmosphere. They're actually born of body, speech and mind. You actually do things. You actually say things. And you think things and then say them.

[74:49]

And so born of body, speech and mind. Speech is really important. Body, speech, mind. And then I now fully avow. And that's like, it's just full and open confession and admitting who you are. With no pulling, no punches. And that's it. And then you don't have to then flagellate yourself and be punished and say, Kulpamia, you know, like that. It's enough to say that. That's it. There's no further. That's it. Those four lines. That's the confession. Repentance. You confess and repent. The avowal is, I admit this. I admit this. Nobody made me do it. It's not their fault. I did this through body, speech and mind. Because of ancient twisted karma, you know, you can't even, you don't even know the whys and wherefores.

[75:51]

It's so complicated. But if you're not aware 24 hours a day of where you are and what you do, you will act out of greed, hate and delusion. That's, I can see the little teeny triangle of you. I've got one eye. Anyway, so and then right after we do that, well, this is the other side of it. So you fully avow. You're kind of fully admitted. And then you throw yourself unreservedly into the triple treasure. And you take refuge in Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. That's the thing you do. Is the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha related? I mean, obviously to body, speech and mind. But is there? Well, there's lots of threesomes in Buddhism. Let's see. Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. The Buddha is like your own enlightened nature, you know. And it's also the teacher either of your own inner understanding or people who are actually teaching.

[76:52]

Or Shakyamuni Buddha, the teacher who began to teach Buddhism. Well, he didn't teach Buddhism. He taught. And it was called Buddhism. So that's the Buddha. Dharma is what was taught, the truth, the law, it's sometimes called. And then Sangha is the community of people who want to live this way. And you can think in the broadest of senses, all sentient beings are Sangha. And you can also think those people who are trying to follow these teachings, you know, and live harmoniously. That's one of the characteristics of Sangha is harmony. So Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. The Dharma. Anyway, body, speech and mind are the ways in which we act in the world. And there's various precepts that connect up with body, speech and mind, you know, particularly. So anyway, so we first avow, we first admit completely who we are.

[77:56]

And then we throw ourselves unreservedly into our life. The last lecture I gave, I talked about, I don't know if some of you were here, Elorira, the bunny from the Watership Down story who, in order to save his people, threw himself into the pit where there was this disease, the white blindness. And then he was going to get the white blindness and bring it back to the enemies to save his people. He threw himself into this pit. Well, later on, someone told me, let's see, I think it's okay to tell this. They came from a Baptist background where total immersion was the right, the sacrament of, you know, taking on a full role in the religion and consecration and so forth. It was total immersion and they had seen other people do it. And I think when she was supposed to be a teenager, it was going to happen, but they moved away and there wasn't this, her parents didn't go to that church anymore or something.

[79:01]

Anyway, she never got to do this total immersion. And in her adult life, she's been really thinking about wanting to do this full baptism again. But she's not really a Baptist, but she's yearning and longing to have some kind of sacrament like this. And hearing the story of Elorira, this bunny who threw himself into the pit, you know, for the sake of his people, she realized that she didn't have to necessarily do full, total immersion in a river or in this form that's baptism, but she could just throw herself into her life. That was the baptism. That was full, total immersion. And it became clear to her that she could do it right now, you know, throw herself in unreservedly. That's this kye or taking refuge in Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha. And when we do these bows, you know, we do bows in service where you do these full bows. I did them before, you know, the lecture.

[80:04]

You go down and, you know, this is the kind of, you can say, if you have a bowing practice, you can say plunging into the bow. You know, you can just throw. It's just this wonderful way of throwing yourself into your life. Just so happens there's a form you can just do, which is just plunge yourself into your life. I mean, you can do it in any way, you know, but it's a very plungy type of action, as Winnie the Pooh might say. And get your head down, you know, just down to the ground. It's very grounded, you know, just, and you're upside down sort of, you know. We don't usually spend much time all the way down to the ground. So it's living humble, you know. Humble means ground, down and home. It's grounded. And out of there, I'm still talking to you, out of there comes, you know, very simply, it's a kind of simple thing to admit from there, to know.

[81:05]

It's when you're very inflated and puffed up, which comes from this other sutra, where we say, you know, to not live puffed up is the way to live. Puffed up is inflated, right? Puffed up. So kind of being humble takes care of that. Helps. Bowing. Okay. Hi. I'm interested in what you might say about not wasting time without being compulsive. Hi. Hi. Nice to see you. As you were talking, I thought, I know this person. I have a big question. No, I'm concerned with not wasting time.

[82:06]

Again, I'm a growing being, having been very compulsive, seemingly efficient, but not. And as I went further, I've become more concerned with truly not wasting time. And it seems to me to be connected with willingness to be really authentic. Allow myself. I don't know. But I just, it's a concern of mine. I don't know if it makes any difference if I say whether I waste a lot of time or not. Now, I tend to be late a lot, and I didn't used to be bad. That's really what I'm asking about. I'm wondering how you don't waste time. For real. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what I would say is, whatever it is you're doing, even if it's kind of thumbing

[83:20]

through the REI catalog for the tenth time, you know, that you have in the forefront of your mind, what is this that thus comes, which is part of a koan, but the question is, you don't assume that you're wasting time or not wasting time, but you have an inquiry into what is it that I'm doing right now. And because someone may look at you and say, she's wasting time, but you may be having fallow time, which is very essential for your creativity. You need to have this, you know, fallow fields are ones that have been plowed but not seeded, and they're open, you know, they're opened up to the starlight and the sunlight, moonlight and the air, and things happen to the soil, but not very specific things, which happens when they're seeded. And somebody might say, well, just, you're wasting your time.

[84:21]

And for you, you need that unspecified starlight, you know. But to ask, what is it that, for you to just inquire, not necessarily thinking you know the answer or not. That, to me, is not wasting time. That's basically what you were talking about this morning. A lot. Yeah. About staying where you're being aware of where you are. That's right. And one way to do that is just to ask, you know, to be asking, where am I? For me, that takes courage, because I guess the wasting time in my mind is when I feel like I don't want to know, because I'm afraid. Uh-huh. And then I, yeah, that's what she would say. That to me is wasting time. Meredith, would you say that again, Meredith, a little louder? What you see is when you're wasting time, what you said was very repeatable. It's when I, I don't want to know where I am, and I either have a big, I have a big

[85:25]

judgment about it, usually, because I tend to be judgmental, and I have a judgment that I'm not supposed to be where I am. Or I have a big fear of something that keeps me afraid of knowing where I am. Yes. That, that I get remodeled, I mean, because I want to be, because of those reasons. And I suspect that's where I truly waste time. But then having free, having the ability and the willingness to bring tenderness, kindness to my fears, to my judgments, to my hatreds, which are where I close. That's where I am. You know, but I know, I know one person these days who doesn't waste time. And when I notice that she's not, that she doesn't waste time, it's so attractive. It really is. You know, I want to do that, you know. And then I'm aware that I kind of don't.

[86:30]

I mean, I sort of flop around. You know, and I can't do it, or I feel like I do, because like, I don't feel connected. I don't allow myself to know that I'm connected. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Well, often when we don't want to know, it's because there's so much pain there. There's so much pain that we think we're going to be incinerated in the moment, if we were to actually, actually admit what, where we are and what we're doing, you know, who we are. So, you know, sometimes you have to take it very slowly. You know, you have to also know that I got to take it slowly here. I can't go like that all, I have to take little glances. I can't, and we need help sometimes with that. But this friend of yours who's so attractive because she doesn't waste time, you know, there's this story about Suzuki Roshi.

[87:34]

He was waiting in line at a bank to make a deposit when we used to do that, you know, wait in line with a real person. And he was standing behind this woman, and she was just a stranger in line. And this may be totally apocryphal, but I actually heard this story. And she felt so taken care of by this person standing behind her in line, who was Suzuki Roshi, that she started sitting. You know, she began to come to Zen Center. Well, you know, standing in line at the bank or in the grocery store, it's like there are these times when, you know, making your mind calm and tranquil, being in your body firmly, you know, deep in your roots and firm stem, standing in the grocery line, you know, is not wasting time. It's gathering your mind and taking care of everybody there and yourself. And something happens, you know, someone's whole life turns around.

[88:37]

So there's nothing, there is no wasting time, right, I suppose. There is the belief that we're, I mean, there's that poem at the end that says don't waste time, the Zen poem. So we are admonished to not waste time. Thank you.

[88:57]

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