Sunday Lecture

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SF-00957
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two days to to the word

good morning
happy leap your day
how many people here born creepier on this day the twenty ninth
moon
i was just wondering what you did every
and you had a birthday a way for your and then make up for three more

i'm here today in
instead of the reverend steve weintraub were scheduled
that because there was a death in the family his father died he couldn't make it so here i am

hmm
at a certain point
certain time in our practice
have to have been doing it a number of years
i think we have enough experience
in doing what it is we call the buddha dharma
who taught to describe what that is so many words but the practices the various practices that we do
to help us find our place in the world
one has to
do a survey i think
look at those aspects of one's life in terms of practice that seem to have sifted out a see more important
or should i say more immediate there's another aspect for practice
and my and my time and live with
i have so much to look back at
his time is shrinking in the future toward an end
the a lot of history
a lot of karma
to put it in buddhist turns a lot of seeds have had been soul
and because of those seeds because those events
in a world of such complex interdependencies
it's easy to see now much more clearly how
actually interdependent
we are on one another and then all things in a very complex ungovernable actually ungovernable way and how important
it has now become in my life to look at
how i behave in this so-called a parent world however dream like this world is however we made
pyramid and in buddhist language as being is the poor man is being empty of indian herod
meaning and so forth of these complex and subtle philosophies and psychologies that are going the buddha dharma what he really comes down to in my life now is how to behave in the world hood with other people how careful to be
and in
regard to that respect to that
i thought rather than talking theoretically today
i would actually like to share with you take a risk and sharing with you
something that happened in my life
that it had a long long time to look at one of the many things but i think a singularly significant is that include me in
even unconsciously at the time
who what i'm talking about karma you know in buddhism for a woman let me say karma
technically is that which involves out of our intention to act in a certain way
we make we have some actual intention and consequent and then there's of action consequences follow from those actions and so on
and it is the
hmm
involved way of this interaction and it's results the seeds of those results
that
we feel they have consequences of the consequences on our lives and not necessarily at the time but maybe even worse or later
i did tell the story ten years ago
what does it cost sahara and a practice period i was leading there is a head students will cost you saw
it was a rainy night and i felt in the mood to tell it and they haven't told it said
i thought i'd tell it to you today
because i think that kind of story and when to tell which just started the heart
in development of the heart is something that we all without exception
and will continue to expand
and the carry that we must a particular think of younger people when i say this but the care with which we must go into relationships
and if i had had the buddha dharma at that time in my life who can say we don't live our lives in the subjunctive mood and never linda
declare a can move but anyway
it is actually fifty years ago this year that this event took place bets
hi was on
a friend of a man whose name was hap
we're in the army together and we were in korea together during the war
he was older than i was he was knew i was twenty one he was probably twenty four twenty five
had been in the army a long time already and have experienced more than i had
we had a casual relationship there we were both
in a medical unit on the line attached to a battalion aid station
and i think i should say that the relationship that men have who have gone through certain experiences particularly those experiences as veterans in a war
there's always a residue of guilt
that guilt necessarily because you participated in some more horrific aspect of the obscenity of war the murder and so forth i didn't kill anybody and he kept it either
it was our job actually to save lives
but the guilt for being a survivor wins many of your friends did not make it
and i think that's true
of all people veterans men and women who go through experiences like this there is a residual guilt and that guild has some kind of bonding influence on our life karmic thing right there in itself
anyway
at some point i decided i wasn't going to return to the united states because i had come to a lot of changes and i couldn't see myself between the college and grow back home and
so and so forth so i got myself transferred to japan
and one day a very cushy job and hospital in an outpatient clinic one day at the door this print this acquaintance have turned up
he called me boys on how you doing boys on well how are you have couldn't see back under the same outfit you are
where's the action now what kind of guy half was one of these fluff he was an italian american good looking bluff good natured and easy touch
in someone you kind of glad to have around in case of a brawl
he was street smart
and so we had this connection and i decided that i would take him to a particular nightspot that i was frequently i was in my i would say very solitary cynical stage at this part of my career i was a sergeant in i lived
in the barracks or in the in the quarters but i was pretty much a loner and it was hanging out at a club called the blue moon
it was a club off the usual beaten path frequented by both japanese and americans
little better grade than most of those clubs and also well known for its attractive hostesses
and i wanted particularly to have to meet one of these women young women hostesses whose name nickname he would later give to her code dream caught her dream
she was
very attractive woman rather tall full body for a japanese lady
and there's a certain controlled guarded air that she had made her particularly
unavailable or desirable as half one said she was the kind that could leave you pale and wandering on the world of sorrow
so i introduce them and the three of us hit it off quite well in a in the kind of bantering way
and over time we'll go back and forth from law or work to this club many nights a week we'd go there and drink and dance and hang out
i guess we're looking for some kind of companionship but all three of us were going on rather guarded state all of us have gone through a warning of some sort and she had been the mother she was the mother of an eye local or love child
father who was young american officer who had been swept up in the korean war in nineteen fifty and had been lost in north korea when the chinese overwhelming the americans up therein lay fifty was never found
and she had an old daughter we heard about that she talked about it someone brendan
i think the thing that that was the binding glue in a relationship also besides this wounded was the fact that half could make us all laugh in a way that i could not and so we enjoyed one another's company
but though we both had designs on her she was not having anything to do with going home with somebody when the club closed at eleven or eleven thirty i can't remember which she always took a taxi alone this occur
first made her even more the accessibility maybe the more desirable not only available between the two of us
what for many of the men and i'm sure there
her certain people i think that are attractive because there's something star-crossed in their lives that you feel i think she's one of them
one night one day no one night actually
we went to the club it was during the summer it must have been nineteen fifty three
he was a time and a winner the japanese hold a festival called the or bond which is it
a festival or time to them
entertain the souls of the ancestors who have died personally family ancestors and so on the weather's festive time lot of justification goes on at that time the fireworks displays oh the women dress up in chemo know the are dance pavilions of japanese style dances and songs
has to deal gaiety to it in life
can be in a couple of guy jeans and foreigners
happened i were ignorant of these experiences some of these festivals and we wanted to be introduced to them because we were both studying japanese a little bit and interested in the culture and we prevailed upon dream to take us to this
festival and it happened to be the night where you like candles a little boats we do this at green gringotts and take the new years but it's the same thing there's little boat and take it by them and have a candle on it and you send them off on the water of the river there
this was a northern japan and it did far the city
the far the silent north of hokkaido in the city of sapporo
the and on the river there we would the people were gathered in the sending out hundreds of little boats under the evening sky with all of these lights and i remember we went down there and dream had oh and dream showed up he asked yes she showed up in in native dress and key
mono with her hair up beautiful chemo and she had with her this child this little girl
whose name i can't remember actually though i have tried again and again to recall it it doesn't matter i'll just call her a love child
you this with as which he became to ask called
so she was all dressed up as they i liked the children who they're with us but with those bangs and things in her hair and a beautiful bright pink and white and blue team on our
so the three was went down to the river and we we had this the spoken and
dream said it out on the water and i'm very much looked at her watched her face in the half-light for the low mountains and so
to see if there was any sign of emotion and it was nothing but i knew i felt that one of the spirits that he was sending in a safe voyage again who's the spirit of her the father of her child whom i suspect she loved very much though she never spoke of him
it should also work in the she spoke very good english she had worked for the american occupation on the camp and the region i think she took this nighttime job
was for two reasons one because being the mother of a half reader and nine no-kill a lovechild she was not very well accepted in society
and secondly because i think she could make a lot more money then working for the americans that are the tips of you go
at this job
at any rate
we had a pretty interesting evening together we will have had something to eat in something to drink a little bits of beer navy
and then we decided it was time to go home and although dream wanted to go alone this is one of those training moments we all decided to go get in a taxi together and so happened that hap was carrying the little child who was asleep by this time lovechild in his arms she immediately took to
him and he immediately took her you can see that he was a man who loved children they just something between the media whereas i was and have been less of a family sword he was very much i think of that type and so they hit it off and beginning he could tease her and they got on very well i wish he fell asleep he carried
you're in his arms we got in the taxi he got in the front seat i got into backward dream
and as we came up in front of our house i had this impulse i took her in my arms and i gave her a kiss
and it wasn't just the case it was one of those kinds of cases and there was a response
now at that moment or something happened between happening of course
she went in a house with the child and so on and happen i went back i forget exactly what happened but net moment on there was a coolness between us
i didn't realize at first how much he was
fancy her i should say in a way that he wasn't letting on and are more carefree or careless banter about the situation
but it was a typical triangle something you'd find in true or man's magazine kind of things that makes sitcoms and so on and and in some ways i think i even treated that way that is to say well maybe not the kind of circumspection and seriousness that i might have if i have been more sensitive
hmm actually made some notes on the progression of explanations should try to get it right here
so i did go back to the club but half wouldn't go with me he said it's you go ahead with that kind of thing
and as as men you know young man particularly
inarticulate in our
sensitivity in not quite willing to bring it all out in front and so on
we allow this space to grow between us and there was this cooling off and i went in dream wondered where half was
and then i decided myself to hell with it i wasn't going to go back to the club either it was enough i wasn't going to get involved with her
i had other
other fish to fry in my life
i did not want to take on responsibilities of a child if they come to that
i wasn't ready to get back into the world
i want to lose myself
we drank a lot
one day course i saw happened where he was he became the you got another stripe he was no master sergeant you've been quite a while he's doing very well and he was know ahead of the all the recreation facilities and both the camp nearby and
the hospital
and the adjacent
contingent unit so he had a pretty good job we didn't see much of each other i was in the outpatient clinic
when i was meeting other people
and then one day we did bump into each other and we went outside and can remove we threw a ball back and for playing catch in the street in support
and he's brought up dream initial you know something
she wants you but i'm going to marry
which is it i said well how do you know she wants me because she said you remind her of him
you remind her of him meaning the one that she had lost but i'm going to marry her and he did
he didn't know
he pursued her i dropped out he pursued with a married they got married an american consulate
hand
i would see them occasionally across the room at the clubs and song we didn't have much in common anymore
i can remember the three of them were always together
and he got them moved on to independent housing and average just an ordinary couple and then one night mrs months later the phone rang i was on duty
and it was her in a voice i had not heard before and she said i have to see you
i want to meet with you i should wear half while he sunk out of town my mother's here visiting
dream had grown up in vienna yokohama and her mother had been now
the catholic actually extremely to say and she that's wish you know the english you've got care for school for her mother whom she was very close to accommodate you together a child i have to see
so we set a place to meet night the next nighter the soul and i went and met her there
when she lives in a a city in a condition a mood that i had not seen and heard before which was that i'd always felt that there was this damn ready to burst but it was spring big leagues
and she said i got to get out of this marriage i cannot go with him i cannot stand so what does does he beat you know know he loves me your doors
growth name lovechild your doors and child we have a good marriage but i don't love him and i don't wanna be with him
hmm
i can remember is saying i don't remember what i have actually i probably fumbled around something and she said
you know some that she said take me somewhere
and i said are you crazy
he said no picking someone
and as i can tell that i can't do that he did not want it to i can't do that and she said you know i hit you bought a hate both of you
who i said she said let's get outta here so we got out and then this happened to be an area that head lot of into a musical hot pillows know ends we could go for a one night stand it
and at the moment i had this sense of weakness i thought yeah why not
what the hell he doesn't like me what we don't have any relationship anymore into many just then just at that moment he's are the things over which we have no control in our karma a campaign
some reason
an illusion

we paused for commercial
for some reason it's to this day
i hailed a cab and know if you have been to japan the doors open know automatically in the bat poop the girl
and i took on a sugar inside it and i took to the cab driver to take it to the camp people can kevin
what am i like i guess to come on come on i
and she looked at me and drove off
in the sea
no
no it's nineteen but then in fifty four in the fallen nineteen fifty four two more time had passed
i know there's trouble in the marriage very low exactly what was going on i felt pretty good about myself
not having indulged at that moment
but the word will get a curiously complex thing
i'll just say at this moment that you know in buddhism although we say do not su sexuality and do not kill and do not lie and so on and buddhism the they're not so much commandments they have to do with the conditions at the time so there's nothing absolutely set it all depends
an and the circumstance
i'm sitting alone in the nco club downtown on a saturday night having dinner by myself
i don't know why i was by myself because by that time i was seeing somebody who would later become my wife but i was by myself
was a saturday night they always had a dance at the club it was downtown in the city
and in the doorway came have dream and laptop
and they were dressed to the nines they have been shopping
and because they were space at my table had beckoned them over to my go
and said
join me but i have done it together they did
and it turned out that they were
bound for a
they were leaving to go to tokyo he had been transferred to tokyo
and they were leaving the next day on the train taking the ferry down to doing the ferry across the straits and go on to tokyo
where he will be reassigned and then standing or tune and back to the states so this was like the last time with the three of us would be together the four of the sexually
and i was determined to make it an interesting evening and it was okay though the air was somewhat constrained
to say the least you know how that is this attention in the air but everybody's trying to be nice
and i would people looking at her go through and glasses at her and at him and he was that feeling of an old triangle that
i had left some residual distaste and make all of our mouths
and at that moment as we were eating dinner an incident occurred at a table nero's
please bear with me obvious i think would tie together in the end
there was at the table as a drunken seen at the table next to us with a woman and american woman who was known as the camp tramp
i'm sorry to say this is how she was seen
and she was having this altercation with her husband who everybody liked was a warrant officer and
who is and who noted that she was cheating
got i do i have no idea what their relationship was but anyway that was their reputation in any way to have got really annoyed and said some things about her and i can remove a dream turned to him said why do you say those things you don't know her heart
and she said it like you don't know
so there was really this is sergeant of arms and come over and try to quiet down the table and so a made made them both lever made her leave or something
they walked out there was the last i was ever to see
while anyway i have some of them
and i remember you know the funny thing when you get old you remember the small the smallest little detail the big things you don't live that the small detail what have i remember we were playing let's fall in love members on the phone and love the really can update thing
the next day they got on a
we had left
it was a stormy day it began to rain early in the morning i remember in the evening i went out in fact i think i went back to the club and i got pretty soft
then i remember when i went outside i could have and keep my balance and thought i've hired too much to drink except that the wind was blowing so hard that i could it's almost boiling the over and that lanterns were swinging wildly and so it was actually a typhoon
oh there's one where there's one more did one more small detail
one night when the three of us were talking at the club earlier on
ha we were talking about relationships and dream had used the phrase or poco loco coto de aquino solar coconut coconut in know sort of means a man's heart is like the autumn sky
a man's heart is like the autumn sky not man's heart but a man
well the autumn skies in japan and you know that the stormy to changeable to fickle and so on and i took on the name autumn sky was a joke i in sky sometimes she called me autumn i'm shy
but i was autumn sky for a while
so it was autumn it was september nineteen fifty four fact he was fifty two september the next day i came to work and everybody was unit in a state poring over newspapers and so on there had been a ferry disaster fifteen hundred people had drunk
there were pictures of bodies washing look like the normandy beachhead pictures or bodies washing up on the shore is a to terrible disaster apparently the ferry had gone out had gotten to clearer inside and the storm had turned and caught it in it's our in the hammer people
queen haka data in
amore which were the two points
and he flipped it over
capsized it
among those fifteen hundred people were ah
i think seventy five foreign nationals
including of course the people are talking about
no interesting enough dream survived
they brought the beginning to bring the bodies back to the hospital where i was working in the outpatient clinic and was my job to meet the train and set up
the set of ambulances and sworn to meet the train with the remains of those that were found that the foreign nationals that would be sent back to our hospital for key for further identification we put in the word prepared for shipping back to the states and whatever and it's right in the of in
a dream was found she was brought back to the hospital but barely broken bones from the face was swollen
she was almost unrecognizable
and state was put in intensive care
where she would stay for quite a long time the next day
the day after we were dispatched to pick up the boxes the body bags took them back to the more the first one i unzipped was the body of blood child whose eyes had been taken by the fish
and half was never found
now
in the months
the weeks that followed it often occurred to me
before even before she left the hospital and you can imagine how she felt she was
over well with guilt
that she had in her feelings toward hap
had drawn this kind of karma on to herself she had no lost both have been in her life in fact or three of us
and her child and she was still alive
i didn't actually talked her that much
she didn't want to talk very much but that much she said you told my fault it's all my fault it's on my fault
the same night that i put they brought her in they brought in the so-called camp tramp her husband also went down with the for she was screaming was that good bye was that good bye
she was hysterical
we had to put her under sedation and the next day should try to slit her wrists and we put in restraints
no i often looked back at the story and news is in thought if that night
or if the first night i had sat in the front seat
and they had said in the back
i wouldn't have kissed her happen something would transpire perhaps differently in the relationship if that night i had actually gone the second time in the taxi hadn't come by had actually done the wrong thing and gone with her to the hotel
maybe she would have left him
and the child and half poodle them
no cancer
i think the upshot of the whole affair gave me pause would they saved for many years to look at the
does those turning points in those moments was insignificant little moments in which the opening of the door to turning away or the turning toward somebody
maybe the the last thing we say to somebody before we ever seen him again
those are the things second that the practice the make us aware to desensitize
to become so present in the moment that though we cannot control the flow of the deaths in this ungovernable unimaginably
unimaginable mysterious world that we live in even though nobody can control them your that still perhaps
wow i think what are buddhist training could make help is the sensitizes
who is
to the awareness you an acute awareness
an ever deepening an acute awareness of how we deal with one another in a most ordinary day to day affair
where are going to die or to pass away is over in this endless tragedy in the world and we can't averted
but maybe possibly
you know
certain things can be avoided
before they ever take place by sensitizing herself in a certain way to practices that we take unwillingly in our karma the responsibility of our
responsibility of our life in our dealings with what

i've been thinking a lot about the lakers fifty years is a long time and a christian and a lot of other stuff to come up in one's life threatening maybe justice
just as crucial as that particular story i never saw her again
the day she left her mother came to take her away
i went downstairs with him to the back entrance a taxi team
you can say like each other
i think i help carry some of her stuffed down the car with him to the taxi but i do remember ironically enough i sometimes think that losing somebody who works for special effects in the movies over our lives to rub it in a little bit to see some kind of
bertolucci and director
a procession of young girl coming back with a teacher in fact that would have been just about the same ages or coming by an adult uniform just as we got as she gotten a taxing drove away
ten one of those clips of
i didn't even think of that until later stuck in my mind and came up bubbled up as it were
so happy was never found
and neither was your first doesn't and neither needs of others are daily last
the the attendant sorrows

how karma
some days you'd only want to get out of bed make you know what what residual seeds there will be planted on
but we have to go forward
can we have to go forward carefully
with one another
where's that good bye
imagine that poor woman haven't think about her who knows where her story one you know
to be despised that way to put yourself in a position and then to have this was a relationship with your husband was humiliating one and yet what he left
it was so terrible so terrifying to so terrible for her that she wanted to die or sell the guilt
both of those women hand you're a guild culture highly
he noted that he and i had happened i felt about being survivor
the ones who want to shove i can't and the ones who don't want to survive on this
it's amazing sometimes
hmm
well i think that's pretty much by talk
here

that's why practice
i practice for them to a practice were all those who never made it
am i not very good at effort
one