So my main message tonight, just in case it gets lost, is that the most important thing at Tassajara, no matter what else it looks like, is to study the self. And the reason that that's the most important thing is because our misunderstanding of what our self is, is what causes us and the people around us suffering. So this is the most important thing whether we are here as students or as workers or as guests. And it's so encouraged and supported at Tassajara that it happens to some extent for everyone who comes here. So I think we can to some extent rest in that knowledge I mean, maybe you don't believe it, which is okay.

[01:01]

I'm not asking you to believe it, actually. I'm more putting it out there as something that you can look into for whatever amount of time you're here for. So to study the self, not that we will get to know the self, but rather that we will get to know our mis-ideas, our misunderstandings about the self. a lot about what we think we are or who we think we are or who we think we should be and that seeing that more clearly and sometimes seeing the impossibility of those ideas helps us get closer to living in happiness with the selves that do appear. One of the things that Dogen, who's the founder of this school of Zen, said is that it's the wish of every living being to know the self.

[02:20]

I don't know if that's true either, but it can be taken in several different ways. You know, that it's this very deep wish to know the self because if we actually know the self, there's freedom there, there's freedom from suffering. But, and maybe not apart from that, but maybe right along with that, is the way that a lot of us want to know the self, which comes from a kind of more vulnerable place maybe, of wanting to know, am I alright? Do I belong? Do they like me? Is this an okay place for me to be? Is this an okay person for me to be? How do I fit in? What about the fact that I just did that thing? Why are they doing that to me? There's a lot of ways that this wanting to know the self can be manifested that don't look quite so pure maybe as the wish of every living being is to know the self, is to understand the self.

[03:36]

But I think it comes back to the same primitive, maybe, urge or movement of, I mean, Dogen says every living being, so even more fundamental than being a human being, perhaps. I wanted to tell you a story and I'm not sure if it's going to fit in so I'm just going to throw it in here and then we'll see whether it does. Well I guess one way that it fits in is that it can feel like Tassajara is the way it is and then we just come here and play our part in this kind of already set stage. where these are the guidelines, and this is the schedule, and this is how they do it in the kitchen, and this is how they do it in the shop, and they have that service there at the beginning.

[04:42]

They always did that. Well, it's not true. It was not always that way. So this story is from back when I, not when I first came to Tassajara, but when I, my first summer at Tassajara, which was after my third practice period, And back then we didn't have any work periods. So at the end of the spring practice period, there was a little while, a few weeks before the guest season started, but there weren't any of you wonderful workers who come to help put Tassajara together for the summer or do various projects. No, it wasn't like that. It was just us from the practice period and then some new students who had come, but back then people couldn't come and stay the whole summer. You didn't come for the summer and then earn practice periods and stay for the practice periods. You couldn't come for more than six weeks as a guest student if you hadn't done practice periods.

[05:44]

So people would come for short amounts of time and then they'd go away and maybe eventually they'd come back and do practice periods and pay for the practice periods and then stay for the summer and pay for more practice periods until you ran out of money and then you could stay without paying. That's what I did. Then you'd, like, build up a debt on the books, and if you stayed long enough, they erased your debt. We hadn't come up with the idea yet that people might come and want to be here for the summer, the whole summer. And, you know, there was some usefulness to that because that made sure that most of the people who were here for the summer had done the practice periods, which is a kind of grounding thing. But it did make it pretty... neurotic, especially during the spring break. It wasn't a break, spring interim, I think it was called. So that, because it was my third practice period, I was made the head of cabin crew. And there was me and I don't know who, I don't remember who they were, other people who were here trying to get ready for the summer.

[06:51]

And at that point, every winter, we would move all the furniture out of the guest cabins and take it to the loft of the lower barn. And then in the spring, we would move it all back, probably scratching it and denting it and really mishandling it along the way and put it back in the cabins and do whatever else we had to do to get the cabins ready for the guests. So this particular spring interim, we were supposed to paint the bathroom in stone four. Me and my merry band of know-nothings Mostly me, you know, I had no idea how to paint anything. So every day we would try to paint this bathroom and it got worse and worse and worse. Such a sad thing. Back in those days, I think the bathrooms in the stone rooms still had, they had bathtubs in them that were covered over with planks of wood or something because those used to be the old, where the hot springs ran through the stone rooms, that was the old bathhouse.

[07:58]

So these bathtubs were in there. Anyway, I don't know what happened. I guess eventually it got done enough so that, I mean, the guest season started, I know that. But I was enjoying it a lot. It was a lot of energy and running around trying to get the furniture in and checking to see what they were doing in that bathroom again. But every break I would go to my room up on the hill and cry, just sob. I was so jolting, you know, from the practice period to the work period, not the work period, the non-work period, the interim, and then, you know, the summer looming and just, you know, totally being at a loss what was going on. Anyway, that was so, things have changed since then. Now we have painters, we have, You know, people who know how to do things. We have students who come, you know, who join in and are here to be part of the cabin crew and other crews.

[09:03]

All those were wonderful ideas when they occurred to someone and it happened. So, partly this is an encouragement. If you think you have a wonderful idea, tell someone. Don't expect it to happen right away, but things do change. So the fact that you are here with your wonderful ideas might make a difference. So back to getting to know the self. It's a real question for me, how does one do that? How do we distinguish in some ways our idea of self from our real self. I mean I think we often have this question in one form or another. Should I be like this? Should I be like this? And I think it takes a kind of holding still.

[10:05]

It's one of the ways that zazen is a practice for knowing the self. It's that we come to the zendo and we sit down for whatever amount of time it is and try to stay still. It doesn't mean that we do stay still, necessarily. In fact, that phrase that we chant some mornings, a tethered colt, like a tethered colt, a trapped rat, I always feel such connection to that phrase. When I think of zazen some mornings, it's like, oh yes, a trapped rat. Here I am, tethered again. So, you know, we are like that, but we are also trying to be still. And we are being more still than when we're out walking around or when we can actually get up and, you know, walk out on ourselves. And that holding still

[11:11]

I mean, in some ways, maybe it's just a metaphor, you know, because most of our life we aren't really holding still. But there's something about that being still with what arises that helps distinguish its nature, even if we can't necessarily put it into words. It becomes more apparent. Is this, or not is this really, how much grounding in... dependent core rising? How much grounding in the kind of facts, if we can call them that, of the situation does this thought or feeling have? And how much is it just like a, you know, a dream? Now, it's a kind of continuum because all of it is somewhat like a dream. You know, it comes and it goes. Even if it's totally grounded in facts, it doesn't necessarily last very long. But some things

[12:14]

past more quickly or are more delusional than others. So that holding still and being available to what arises is one way that we get to know the self and get to know, as I said earlier, the illusions of self, the thinking I'm something and finding out actually right now I'm not that, I'm something else. Again, Dogen says that one way to learn something about the self is, he says it this way, to carry the self forward and experience myriad things is delusion. That myriad things come forth and experience themselves is awakening.

[13:14]

I think this is really a very deep statement that could be looked at and experienced for a long time, both sides of it. Even though it may seem like to carry the self forward and experience myriad things is delusion. Okay, I shouldn't do that. I don't think so. I think to carry ourselves forward is so innate. We have an idea of self and we walk forward with it for a good part of our lives, and therefore we experience things. To do that with presence, not trying to do it, but just to be present with ourself and seeing, oh, I brought a real firm idea of myself into this encounter, and here's what is happening. And to see how that is delusion is very much learning about the self. It's not that we should never do that. It's that when we do it, maybe we'll catch a glimpse of it. that myriad things come forward and experience themselves as awakening this is again I think where this holding still has some benefit how would we do that how would how would myriad things come forth and experience themselves in me I mean this happens all the time really myriad things are always coming forth and

[14:44]

experiencing themselves in me. It's like I get mixed up with myriad things, right? Something happens. I have dinner tonight and I get mixed up with tempeh, what were they called? What? No. That's not what it was called. I get mixed up with Oh, I don't know what, the pita bread from last night. So somehow that pita bread experiences itself in me. I experience it, it experiences itself. What exactly the difference is, I'm not sure. What is it for me to be very open to, I mean the pita bread was pretty easy to be open to. What about being open to your roommate, if you have one here? That might be a little harder to be open to or open to the head of your crew.

[15:47]

What about when they get mixed up with you? Is it possible to let them actually come forward and experience themselves through you? Or as, again, Dogen says in the Tenzo Kyokan, I think the same idea, but said a little differently. which is let things come into your heart and abide there. And then let your heart go into things and abide in them. So let things come into your heart and abide there. Open ourselves up to who am I in relationship to this person or in relationship to this experience or in relationship to this cold or this heat or whatever. And to open up to being, okay, who am I now? Who am I in relationship to this event?

[16:51]

Often we have, or maybe we have, a kind of assumption that I should not be unhappy. If I'm unhappy, something's wrong with the world. You know, if it's too hot or whatever, you know, I have a pain in my side or I have cancer or whatever might be making me unhappy, that that's a mistake in the universe. And it might be that this is not to say that nothing should be done about such things, but to think this is the wrong me is avoiding reality, you know, it's delusion. thinking there's another me than the one that is existing in conjunction with this circumstance right now. One of the ways to...

[18:03]

They say that one of the, they, it's probably Dogen again, says that the way to know that you are a Buddha is when you experience everybody as Buddha. So this is an interesting, what? An interesting experiment? to notice, oh yeah, that person, I really, and it's not like trying to convince yourself, you can actually see, well, that person is Buddha. And it's the best way to kind of expand your view of what Buddha is. Because, well, that person's Buddha? Oh my God, yeah, that can be, oh yeah. Buddha gets bigger and bigger and bigger as you can actually experience this. And the way to experience it is to let that person into your heart and let them abide there until it becomes clear, could this possibly be true?

[19:20]

So again, I want to say this doesn't mean a kind of passiveness like, okay, I take everything that comes to me and just sit there. Sit still, don't move, whatever you do to me. I'm just going to be here until I know you're a Buddha. if it kills me. No, we do respond, and we also need to allow ourselves to come into our hearts and abide there. You know, all the different me's in terms of thoughts and feelings that arise need to be able to come into my heart and abide there. And if we, or... It's not if we exactly... To the extent that we can do this, we can stop having fights with ourself and sort of doing two different things at once, like trying to be open to this person but saying a terrible thing to them.

[20:23]

Because something in us really doesn't want to stay here and be open to this person. But to the extent that we can actually, that we find out it's okay, that it's, and I think the main question for us again is, is it okay to be me? So is it okay to have the thoughts and feelings that I have in conjunction with this person or this situation? So to the extent that we find out that that's the case, we're able to have our thoughts and our actions actually, or our intentions and our actions match each other. I want to read to you, well, I might remember it, but my favorite quote for this time of year, some of you will remember it from other times. Long ago a monk asked an old master, do you remember it yet?

[21:29]

When hundreds, thousands, or myriads of things When hundreds, thousands or myriads of objects all come at once, what should be done? The master replied, don't try to control them. What he means is that in whatever way objects come, do not try to change them. Whatever comes is Buddha Dharma, not objects at all. Do not understand the master's reply as merely a brilliant admonition, but realize that it is the truth. Even if you try to control what comes, it cannot be controlled." So one very interesting thing that I thought about this tonight, you know, sometimes people come to Tassajara at this time of year and they say, I was expecting a monastery, but what is this?

[22:34]

this doesn't look like a monastery to me but here's this a monk asked an old master so they must have been like connected to a monastery right I mean this is a monk a real monk and a master and here he is talking about when hundreds and millions and myriads of things hundreds and thousands and myriads of objects all come at once this must have been happening in their monastery Just like ours. What should be done? Even in a real monastery. Even in anybody's life. Even in your life. Hundreds and thousands and myriads of objects sometimes all come at once and this feeling comes to us. How can this be? What should I do? Something needs to be done here. This is out of control. Yes, it's true. It's out of control.

[23:35]

And the old master says, the monk says, what should I do? What should be done? The only thing he says is, don't try to control them. Don't try to control them. And then, Dogen goes on to say, see them as Buddha Dharma. See them as Buddha. Let them come and abide in your heart, which You know, sometimes they're coming and going so fast, maybe it feels like they don't have time to come and abide in your heart because they're just like zipping by and kind of knocking you this way and that. I need a pillow. No, the rooms are not clean. You know, it's so fast. How could it come and abide in your heart? But actually, it is abiding in your heart. Whatever of it stays, which might just be tiredness at the end of the day, that's what comes and abides in your heart. Whatever happens in this body and mind is the part that we mostly need to be open to.

[24:38]

That's the part that we need to study. That's the part that we need to let be whatever it is and not have such a big idea about what it should be that we're mad at the whole world because it doesn't match. So let that impact happen because it's Buddha Dharma, because it's teaching, it's showing, it's helping with that, you know, primitive urge of all living beings to know the self. Who's the self? Oh, who's that self with this thing flying at them? Who's with this thing flying at me? So, hundreds and millions of, and myriads of objects are teaching me who is this? Who is this self? Who's this self? Who's another self? So here we have this wonderful opportunity of myriads of selves arising that we can allow to come and abide in our heart and our heart go out and abide in them and meet them, us meet it, us become, expand our idea of Buddha large enough to include our self and our other self and our other self and our other self.

[25:58]

and all the selves that are around us so that finally we live in a land full of Buddhas. So once again I repeat that's the most important thing that's happening here at Tassajara and sometimes it might look to you like something more important is happening like getting those projects done so that we can start the guest season or getting the guest season going so we can get all that money to continue to live here at Tassajara. And it's not that those things aren't important, they are, and hopefully it will all happen. But the most important thing that's happening is softening our heart, opening our heart to allow the new me of this next moment to come in and to stay and see, is it all right? Is it really Buddha? Can I live with it? Is it gone yet? How does it relate to the next person that comes along?

[27:04]

And just to settle into that. Does anyone have any comments or questions for a few minutes? Greg. I think about sometimes, Suzuki Roshi said, the best way to control something is to encourage it to be mischievous. Do you recall it in Zen? No, but that's all right. The best way to control something is to encourage it to be mischievous, which I think has some relationship to don't try to control them. Well, I don't remember ever hearing it before, but that doesn't mean it isn't there or that I haven't read it recently.

[28:15]

The best way to control something is to encourage it to be mischievous. Interesting. Don't do it. Hmm, interesting. I, you know, I wouldn't have said that myself but Suzuki Roshi, he's a good guy. Because the reason I wouldn't have said it myself is because when I hear that I think some idea of encouraging to be mischievous. So again, I don't know for sure what Suzuki Roshi or you for that matter mean by that but I think not having an idea of how they should be for me is a lot safer because of the convolutedness of my mind.

[29:18]

But maybe that does actually encourage them to be mischievous, not having an idea of how they should be. Not that I can not have an idea, of course, I'll have an idea and they might do something mischievously that I won't like and I will respond to it. But again, the best way to... I don't know. I don't know what to say to that quote. Thank you, Greg. Does anyone else have anything they want to say? Yes, Timber. sitting with the prayer of St. Francis since the mid-90s, which is actually about letting go of the self. So, is the process of getting to know the self just so we get to know it so we can then let go of it?

[30:24]

You know, in a way, you don't have to let, it's going. It's not like there is a self. It's more like every interaction, every second brings a slightly different self. So, if we can be there for whatever's happening, it's like, it's just trying to hold on that causes difficulty because it's flowing along. So, yeah. You mean you don't disappear? An idea of the self? Well, a fixed idea of the self might disappear. But as long as we're alive, there's something there. and there's some way to experience it. And there certainly is some way to get an idea of it, but then it's like too late. Thank you. Anything else? Yes, Judith. Something about in this time when all these hundreds of thousands of objects are coming out and we lose our temper.

[31:32]

with that in a time when there's a lot happening right now and also how to receive that if it's coming toward you? Yes, that definitely might happen. Could you all hear her? Did somebody say no? Did somebody say no? Yes, I said no. She was just wondering about the situation where, like now, when it's a very busy time, and a lot might be coming toward somebody, and they might lose their temper. And if you're the person who's receiving that, or the person who's doing that, and then, so what, how do we work with that? What do we do then? And, well, there are many, you know, there are many things like apologizing is always a good thing. It's a very good thing, very helpful to after the fact when you've done something that you realize has hurt someone to just go back and say, I'm really sorry.

[32:44]

If you are. Or I'm slightly sorry. If that's true. But I think the main thing is the same thing, to be open to what's actually happening. because it's so interesting, you know, what, not that we have to be able to state it, you know, like lay it out, oh, this happened, and this happened, and this happened, which is what we often do do. Oh, they said that, and then the next person said this, and it was building, and then that's why I got mad. Or it was their fault, that's why, because usually if we get into that, We're trying to assign blame either to ourselves or to others as a way to kind of have an excuse for what happened or something.

[33:46]

Essentially to get away from it. But what I think this practice is suggesting is to turn toward it and sort of soften around what's happening for me. either right now, which might be after the fact, or at the time, right in the middle of it. And then whether you're, no matter which person you are, to be really honest with yourself. Again, not necessarily in words, but in terms of experience with what's happening. Because I think it often comes back to the same thing. It's some kind of fear of, I'm not an alright person. which is very understandable but causes a lot of suffering and is delusion. So, we can hold a lot with each other actually.

[34:50]

If someone gets angry, a lot of the time it's okay, it can just be forgiven. If it feels like it's too much, or needs to be dealt with more, which might very well be the case, if it's happened to you, if the person has gotten angry at you, if you can, to go back to the person and say, you know, that really didn't feel good, can we talk about that again, what happened? Or if that doesn't feel safe, or like they would be able to receive it, or like you would be able to say it, to them in some even way, then please talk to one of the practice leaders and get some help with talking with them or with somebody else talking with them. So a lot gets kind of squeezed out of us here in this close valley. And it's important for this very reason because we need to know ourself.

[35:54]

Not like we can know it and get it under control, but more like so we will recognize it. So if that kind of situation happens and you feel like I need some help with this, get some help. That's good. That's what we're here for. It's not a mistake. It's believe it or not. And whether you thought so or not, that's why you came here. Yes, Mimi, and then we should stop. think the best way we can support each other to do this is to do it ourselves to the to the best that we can do it which is not perfectly probably for any of us ever but you know what allows us to live here with each other is the trust that we're each trying to do that so if if I if you can do it if we're working together and I'm getting upset about

[37:04]

everything that's going wrong at this point in the meal, but you're okay with it, including my getting upset. That's just one of the myriad things. That's like, that's huge. That's a whole lot of space for me to be able to experience myself. And you know, you might not be able to do that. You might have to say, look, could you take a walk? You are like driving me nuts right now. And I just, so maybe that you know, that might have to happen too. And then later you can say, I hope that was alright. It wasn't personal. So, here we go. You know, another, we're on another cusp here. We're changing situations again here in the last few days of work period and into the summer. So, in some ways, This is a big transition.

[38:05]

And in other ways, it's just a continuation. You know, just the same thing. Namely, me with me. Walking along, being affected by all of you. And all of the myriad things. So, and each of us doing that same thing. Trying to be open-hearted toward the self that is now being created by everything that's surrounding me. And that turns out to be a great blessing for each other. So thank you for being in this soup with me and I look forward to going further with you.

[38:44]

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