Sesshin Lecture

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good morning

i'm really nervous
ah a trouble with being nervous is that fear and excitement feel so much alike i think mostly i'm really excited
because mom i'm going to be talking about stuff that guy really
really matters to me
we don't talk about mostly is the the whole idea of imputation
it gets over my life i'm sort of know i've noticed
how imputation is so easy
and so difficult to stop so easy to do but difficult to stop and how i've how i see it is the dumb
an idea or concept arises in the mind and then depending on how exciting it is we begin to fill it with mental concrete
and this concrete has as it's one of it some primary components a self interest if i like it or if i don't like it
and and if i really like it or really don't like it i keep pouring more concrete into it so that after a while without my even knowing it i treated as if it's real and only that but i act as if it's real
when i my first practice period was a green gulch
and red let it
and i was fascinated by rob i've never seen anybody like him before
maybe you too
he amazed me to wait wait it moved
i could never understand anything he said but now was always impressed
that he could even say it
i would i used to stop by his house when i saw that he was are doing something in his yard either cut it usually cutting grass i think that's what a good mostly let's start by
and ask
still am shy but the hear will and say hello and then he'd usually ask a question
and he'd he'd done he'd ask her questions like com where do you come from
or how has your health once he asked me why did by bodhidharma come from the west
and i figured all this is really terrific somebody of 'em such importance in stature really is as poor with communication skills as i am
and i i was done think of some snappy witty answer and and give it just to move the conversation along
photos we were not after a good start
and once what i didn't realize until years later was that tongue these weren't just poor attempts at communication they were actually
what teachers do to students
when we started reading the book of serenity which i think it's rather strange name for that book don't you agree
that's usually how the teacher started with the student mean by asking some seemingly innocent question
well the first ducks on i had with him
yeah i went in the room and see i think i must have said something and boat about yeah and who i am i think i said something about who i am and he looked at me and said who are you
and having
arrived at green gulch after many years of therapy and group work
i started telling him who i was
i remember see i'm i'm i'm a son and brother
i am a student i'm
the handsome and sexy
this is fifteen years ago
and other other nouns and adjectives and he sat there
i'm listening and he let me go on and i think that's for that that's where we left it i had no idea that i was so out of my mind at the time i would i would see that much later to
you know i think i was thinking the other day how
if somebody asks you know who are you i think we might get a more truthful answer if we just asked kaja who she was can you ask her who she is she sleep
she's sound asleep just as well noble silence
bubbles in your sleep even so i figured if you asked kaja who are you she would respond with the truth which would be probably
yeah yeah yeah gaga know as she does i think that's closer to it than most of us can come
however when push comes to shove we have to say something don't worry
i remember also diana was mentioned having difficulty realizing how much somebody who disliked or so much
even before you said that i would have been thinking about this talk and thinking about term self imputation on how imputation really serves self
and how how we have a notion of ourselves and but isn't really looks very very carefully and intricately and a detailed way into this idea of self and how we once we have it we tend to hold onto it and in fact we hold on until it's so tight labor we don't even see it in them
more except one were rubbed the wrong way or the right way
there was a
this must have been maybe maybe twenty years ago i used to co-lead a week long retreats with a colleague of mine who is also an episcopal priest and therapist
he incidentally was one of the good therapists
there are many who aren't
so we weren't we were sitting in this room very small room it was out on a lake somewhere and some world trade center and small room and there are about twenty of us and the idea of these retreats where there'd be a little teaching about about on
let's see what it's like to be a person or ah
well healthy ways to look at oneself or stuff like that and i took care of the the spiritual end of it in terms of meditation
things like that and as if so the first night we are gathered round the room was rather dim candlelight
and he asked us michael asked us to take some time and write our own obituary
which i never done before
and most of them had neither and so we did that and then we went around and read them aloud
and so i read mine and for what i recall of it it was
ah in praise of me as a as a priest of the finest kind
obituary when you die they write something about you in the newspaper
if you were somebody
which reminds me of a tombstone in new england that says just it says i was somebody and who i was is not a your business
so my mind was some
how ah
i'm going to i blushed maybe i blush but least i'm embarrassed to say so that how he was on he was kind always we're always ready to help ah always seeking god doth aloft up
that of that flavor
it didn't make me sick when i wrote it but oh so at any rate so there was a and we went around and after a room was done there was this one woman sitting over there she must have been shit grey hair she must have been late fifties or sixties
and how the sudden she started yelling at me
mr sweet and holy over here she was yelling at me and i was was screaming about how self righteous i was and how smug sitting there sitting there with us mug look on my face ah which inside was too
total and complete shock but i tried not to show anything because i'm a caring kind gentle priest and what else to how self righteous i was and how so holier than thou and i thought i was gonna die
i remember i can still remember
feeling completely shocked unable to move trapped almost frozen wanting to leave my body but i couldn't get out
and i stay there she went on for quite awhile and member rep was saying how excellently bad we can be she was perfect she would she and she was a reason
it was it was an it was art
she she slashed that down self image i had to mean ribbons ribbons
ah see what's what happened on
but michael who wasn't me and apparently halsey he didn't think i said later he didn't accept that such big deal course we didn't have to it wasn't him
bottom then so so he stayed with her
and they they started talking in the group and come to find out she ah was a roman catholic and had always since she was young wanted to be a priest and it was a deep deep yearning you know like any deep vocation can be
for her and the frustration and they are well way that that church does tend to treat and see women she was left on bereft and humiliated
now blah blah blah blah blah ah so on so mostly once she was feeling was envy envy
ah and jealousy and here she saw this this poor fool me who was a priest and can you imagine what that must feel like to be denied your heart's desire and then to have some jerk
who is it
ah and the high standards that must must go along with that must have an incredibly painful for her and she said it was
ah we had we heard i went to talk with her and
the only wisdom that i can squeeze out of that was on don't ever talk to me that way again
a question sort of sorry because over the years i have come to be grateful to her
because she helped destroy something that would not observed me at all well even though i can still i think maybe i still have the mask
of of the goody two shoes priest but hopefully i can say shit and fuck
like a real person
well at any rate dumb the the terms of imputation one of the things that i love about buddhism is that it has many many models of the mind out of which all this stuff ah comes from all of our of our troubles
cause and all of our joys
and i was i'm reading the other day and
this person whose book i have right here name is caroline brasier was talking about the difference between the idea of of the mind in the west and east since i never quite heard before she said done in the east the mind is considered empty pure it
immaculate where things if anything happens in the mind it always comes from outside so to speak
as a visitor for example like in the eastern mind a vision is a visitation from outside a dream is a visitation from outside our thoughts and feelings the whole business the kind of arise and pass through into the mind where we noticed them
so the mind itself is pure and clear and empty like the like the jewel in the sutra that way for have been chanting where if you hold up
a red piece of paper behind it the jewel appears like a ruby that takes on redness or blew it looks like a sapphire or green looks like a emerald so the mind becomes whatever comes through it but but the it is not the mind
well wow
think of what we think of the mind as and it worked i think it's kind of a
kind of joke when we say to a western person okay now should still an empty your mind to what empty my mind because in the west the mind is repository
it's filled with stuff
just think of like freud based freud as only three things you know that go the superego and it but young has the the ego and the not only our personal unconscious but the collective unconscious that we all share together now tons and tons and tons and tons of stuff
not to mention memories and dreams ah well filled filled with stuff but one of that weren't so what that was just a point of view that was slightly twisted from the truth i wonder i wonder what i find i find doing this practice is easier
if you have to the point of view of an empty mind than a full one

well some of the
and again this is all in relation to the self the formation of the self so some of the models
ah in buddhism there were all aware of our number one the first model is the four noble truths
where are the self arises in the second noble truth which is aria which which are which is a reaction against affliction which causes more affliction and one of the reactions is where a self developed the self appears
see ah and the nature of that self
this person caroline brasier describes i think rather well
she's as a buddhist psychology offers models of the processes and structures of the mind it shows how flight from the exist the existential inevitability of loss pain and death leads to delusion which is a subtle and pervasive refusal to face reality
instead we attempt to find and hold onto something that is concrete and substantial
this common mentality is one of grasping which leads to attachment and creates an accumulation of habit energies preferences and behavior patterns that support the illusion of an enduring self that can escape impermanence
buddhist psychology sees this self as a defensive structure that lacks foundation get dominates the ordinary mind
i think that's pretty cool that the self that we so much love and hate
that's actually a fortress against suffering
that we are that we manufacture out of thoughts and build with mental concrete
and a supposed to offer us protection against affliction
course it doesn't does it
the five scandals is another model of the of the of the mind and how it works
where the idea of self interest
that time more an identity
begins to be established in each of the steps of the five and i going to talk about that in a minute
to pursue bondo came along with the five years five hundred years after the buddha somebody who has a brain but once see five hundred me
the eight hundred years a latecomer to the scene
he saw that wait a minute something's going on here because the i that i experienced a few moments ago seems an awful lot like the i right now so what accounts for this seemingly on
not sure how do you say that that the continuity of a cell how do you explain that then he says well you know what we do something comically it does produce it seems to produce effects that that stick around and when the time is ripe when the conditions are right these are seeds
so to speak of karma a sprout and not just one many because of one action so he made up the manners consciousness which which we we think we would say is the ego the the controller the one who's sensors the one who feels
like i'm the same i that i was a few moments ago and thirty years ago and now the miners consciousness which course isn't real about it seems but if it were it would behave like this and the elia consciousness which is where all the seeds of our behavior are stored waiting for us to
waiting for the right opportunity to sprout and if i forget to mention it i'll mention it now that you know when you do an action
that has its did some fueled by a greater hater delusion
then it produces
many seeds is like a flower flower doesn't just produce one see it produces lots and lots of them so that any action that's been fueled by greed hate and delusion produces many many seeds just waiting for that for opportunity to or sprout and grow so that's why we have to be very careful
we do
oh so there is a bus bound to came along with those two things and added those to the to the mental the mind models and the it will before that i guess the the twelve link chain of causation which i hope nobody asked a question about
but somewhere in it something something called bava which is becoming and conceiving yourself okay but please don't ask anything about that twelve and chain too complicated for me

the so i
repeat let me repeat that again about the about the south
a flight from the existential inevitability of loss pain and death leads to delusion which is a subtle and pervasive refusal to face reality instead we attempt to find and hold onto something that is concrete and substantial this common mentality is one of grasping which leads to attack
catchment and creates an accumulation of habit energies preferences and behavior patterns that support the illusion of an enduring self that can escape suffering and impermanence
buddhist psychology sees this as a defensive structure that lacks foundation yet dominates the ordinary mind
spend a few moments i'm looking at the five scan does somebody brought them up yesterday
and i don't think we talk about the much in terms of fun building itself i've never really heard them linked together they all seem to be puzzling separate little chunks of something that did something else i've never i never quite understood
but reading some of the stuff by these guys both caroline as a husband today david brasier and they are on their buddhist teachers his first his first term i introduction with to buddhism was with g you cannot rush you
from shasta abbey in england their english and that that changed his life and and also being involved with took my hand
so they are teachers of buddhism and they're also psycho therapists i don't mean psycho therapists
i mean psychotherapists people who are
hopefully who done their own work and work to help others towards
healing and health in their minds where it all happens
and apparently from what i've seen so far they're pretty good at it
oh so dinner it to five scandals ah formed feeling perceptions formations consciousness i don't find those words very helpful at all about you
because they mean so many different things to us and usually it kind of spooky things that that so the first one form you know
you about the sense organs and all that again remember always remember these things aren't real but if they were this is the way they would behave and for the sense organs
wherever that is there's something in them called cheetah which is which is the potential eighty two to look at look for look for search scan the environment
bodhicitta is the same kind of thing where we look for awakening we want to awaken so it's reaching out kind of so the senses i'm just laying back just being passive waiting for something to come along they're looking they're looking
so so form the form one is looking for our on
well done anything kind of like distinct like any
well form
that's not very helpful is it
they form they will they formed form and against the construct form i suspect well don't press me on that i use an example i meant
the second one feeling we usually think of that as
well feeling is a very loaded word isn't it
like feelings are our culture is not so good with feelings feelings can be very frightening and cause for major affliction from which we will flee at all costs but the feeling that we mean is that buddhist and the buddhist meeting of feeling or the buddhist idea
a behind what we call feeling which is
you know greed hate and delusion right i mean we we either want it we don't want it we just get confused so so as attraction a version or confusion
and that the feeling that this discount is is it's the immediate response now you see something you see here well well way i'll wait on that i'll give an example in a minute but it's the immediate reaction whether we like it we don't like it or we just don't know
and then so what clicks and next are priests i'm pretty immediate are some what we call perceptions and those are i
the aren't like our personal
associations from the past
personal associations from the past what that's what this thing means or what it implies or would it threatens or what it promises and in the next one the the fifth the fourth one or what we call mental formations and those are the things that come later on the ruminations you notice for example like the meeting that really takes place
after the meeting know where you have an event
you're sort have blown away by it than you spend the next three weeks trying to process it those a mental formations again they're not real but they have tremendous force so what all this leads to is that is the fifth one which is consciousness but it's not just consciousness consciousness it's dualistic consciousness a special kind of consciousness
it's where our ah
where you finally get to the point where are your self interest has gotten so strong that the world is now fully divided into me and everything else and it's me and either i wanted some of these things or i don't want them or i'm just confused by the whole mass
so ah
so it's a special kind of consciousness is not just being awake
an example a chocolate bar
so everybody did you just have a formation of form
or even worse if you see one
you see a chocolate bar the eyes are looking for form anyway and going there's one and a and to make it even better it's an attractive form an attractive form
so if you were to stop right there you would say ah chocolate bar young eat and that would be it but if the
if the ah ha senator directly to the attraction
as attractive one so it can if it's depending on how strong the attraction is the reaction to it than i wouldn't just be able to say young eat lots of other things would come into play so if there were agreed involved that's a whole different ballgame
because then i would start remembering i would chocolate bar ah yes i want to are kind of is ah oh good it's not dark chocolate it's milk chocolate the real thing
makes me makes me feel really good endorphins it creates endorphins who could ask for more
okay so then ah i might
so i could have feelings of glee then i might have well cheese to i really need this right now we're just about to have supper and if i eat it and i can eat any of that stuff and my
oh well who cares eat it
or it could be a the the the immediate term on associations
the perception could dumb get a little stronger and i would say things like to i really need this should i have it and then if i'm not careful i'll start on the mental formations which would be something like a guilt or i'm so on
disciplined or ah
self blame or
a deflated self image these are all very technical sounding concepts that i wrote down this morning
the economy though the eldest sudden it's all about you it's not about the chocolate bar which duck when couldn't care less whether it was eaten or not
maybe maybe that that's an imputation where
but then so then who you are comes into play what kind of a person you are what kind of person you think you are which is just the same
think so and then what that does is it reaffirms a sense of me as this decision this or this this this and that and this poor chocolate bar so the world and i are separate separated and the world is either is something
it is a bunch of objects to be either desired or hated or just confused about
right so for another example of somebody mentioned meetings yesterday meetings and how much we love them
ah meetings meetings so the form part of the scandal thing about meetings is maybe just the idea we're going to have a meeting meeting room
and then then an immediate reaction on meeting on now but i wanted to i wanted to build something in the shop
and then might progress to or
oh oh meetings i don't like the way i feel and meetings i don't like the way we treat each other and meetings or or oh boy another reading and it's about something i really enjoy this is gonna be terrific i can't stand and this kind of we're going to have to wait another minute
so ah depending on my my self interest involved or how much investment i put in it depends on whether i'm going to suffer or not
let me just go on with that
let's see so i can walk in the room and there will be around the table that's the form and then i'll know his own hopefully look i'm seated in that place where are they why are they there or ah oh gosh i can't hear anything the the creek
so loud in other words i'm i'm ah
well at this perception
sorry i'm so clumsy with this but what would often will arise even before you walk into the room if if it's if it's going to be charged event is oh gosh i'll stop ruminating already so things like come
let's take know what if it's something that i'm that it's important to me ah oh gosh will they listen to me what if what if they do what have they don't
what if what if somebody throws a fit what if i do
ah what if i throw a fit and they ignore me how am i going to have to hurt them back now things like that or is that person going to be there again
i think it also so that the room and the ruminating part already puts me at odds with what's going to happen which hasn't even happened yet
so in other words the world and this is split into pieces
it wouldn't occur at this point usually that oh well it's a meetings just see what happens
doesn't that there's no a unique
so so that leads me to the question last question which is how do we how we practice with the stuff i like for with them
with the way it is how do we practice with the way we are you know that five scandals
it's not really a design flaw it's just the where we are it's how it's how that the beautiful mind
as is expressed in inch of us individually how it how it behaves how it seems to behave and if there's something unpleasant how how we want to get away from that and we we do that by real building the self which shall often gets us into more trouble than than it seems like it's worth
so so in in our in our school
what were you
one thing that son in these models there are there are escape patches in the in each of these models for example in in the four noble truths model the escape hatch comes after it is the third is the third noble truths which is neruda
which means that as you see this self arising if you're lucky to see it
or you see the you're trying to distract yourself from what's really going on from what's painful for example if present infliction and somebody suggested even joy as an affliction and yes joys and affliction
if if we want to keep it
so when an affliction arises and we try to escape just to notice that and instead of trying to do something about it to stop i think that's where practice comes in
that's so important were learning to stop rolling straw stop the
the formation of things that aren't real
the that we think will protect us
did you just ask her who she was
ah noble silence again
so so in the four noble truths is a third noble truth were were asked to i'll stop the leak to to not leak to not move to not act but to see if we can stand what we're feeling and by doing that it gets transformed the affliction actually becomes the fuel
for awakening
ah and the five scanned does
but it's similar thing where if we're lucky enough to notice if we've been practicing enough to be able to see what our mind actually does how these things operate then on we can see that this is just mental fudge that we're creating
it's it's not it's not really real and to r
the and to stop and to stop and one of the things that dumb
in both of the for note the political truths and in the scandals there's a thing about withdrawing withdrawing our mental stuff from and i'm from the object for example like if i am suffering one of the things that we do is to find something to blame something that's causing it
and and focus our our our energies that were suffering with to focus it under them so it kind of takes it off like a little bit
which of course creates massive suffering in itself but we don't know that until later
so one of the things to do is to on is to drop the object
does it make sense
ah like for example if somebody says something to be and it hurts
then instead of feeling that hurt i can convert it into anger by blaming them
by blaming them we
who knows what that other person was doing or thinking i mean who knows me i must like it wasn't personal and it's not much is so so in dealing with the hurt
to deal with the hurt you
you withdraw the hate to say no it's not about them it's not about them all is a little bit but not completely like end up with that and to deal with the hurting the hurting yourself the idea of myself there is that i'm not supposed to hurt everything supposed to be nice
but which is fake completely fabricated himself so then i'm forced to deal with just the pain of living
where was i was in a bookstore before practice period and saw
what did i say i saw a cartoon
it was about unions and union symbolism yeah union stuff
and it showed a it showed a ah a king
now it showed a king killing and eating a wolf
in one frame the next train was it showed a wolf killing and eating a king
and it said ah
being to eating and being eaten
isn't it is a fully experienced life
how about that
so other words ah the good with a bad the pleasantly unpleasant as a full life
you can try to get just one half of it but won't work and the other one will feel like a horrible intrusion
so eating and be eaten is the experienced before life
i'll have no idea where i was going with ahead
so some of the practices so one of them is is withdrawing our stuff from an object and or so that we can actually go through the affliction itself and you know how if you really grieve for example that somehow something do opens
did you know that don't you or or or the pain the town from something awful that happens if you actually go through it and don't try to pretend it isn't there or or numb it or do something else to distract that actually changes you and open
you up it's like having a broken heart sometimes that's the only way the heart will open
so to speak
what if you stay with it stay with it with with face with trust that helps zazen of course is another product as a practice
and dogan is very very clear about what to do when you find yourself in the midst of the five scandals or in or in the truth of on affliction
as you're sitting there he says
put aside all involvements and suspend all affairs
don't think don't think good or bad don't judge true or false give up the operations of mind intellect and consciousness stop measuring thoughts ideas and viewers okay ready go
you know i i seen those for a long time and for work but couldn't what's he talking about how does how do you do that mean i'm thinking about that and saying don't do that and judging whether it's this is true thing or not chasing you know how do we how do you do it perhaps he just meant do it
of on the stuff maybe he actually wants us to ah
put it aside put it aside for now put it outside the door where it will wait
ah maybe he says to stop thinking good or bad to stop judging true or false
to give up on making more mental concrete maybe that means what it says
bodhidharma same things he's all stories sees a mental ruminations coughing and sign mental ruminations says when you see him just stop them don't don't hate them or don't hate yourself because of them which is to compound the whole mass
but to just stop it
there's a one of the christian mystics i said down
ah you can no longer control your mind creating thoughts than you can control the wind your job is to stop them
you can't control
your you can't control the mind producing thoughts anymore than you can control the wind all you can do is to stop them when you seen their parisian
you just stop
so ah
the the point of all this is that when the conditioning when our conditioning is abandoned and that's when the stopping occur as when we know now when we can do that we are we're abandoning our conditioning because our conditioning says don't stop don't stop go on go on and you'll be relieved from suffering if you keep going keep going keep going
if we stop it
then what happens is that they're the malice consciousness to ego start to relax it doesn't feel like it has to control everything anymore
the leia consciousness all the seeds they settle
and something starts to to i'm well up
what do you suppose that is
it's the buddha the buddha tar starts to well up on and that's our buddha nature which isn't dual now it's not dualistic and the thing with all this is that the when the the
when the ego and the elia that the karmic stuff when are active and functioning at full blast there's not a chance in hell i know it's not a snowball's chance in hell of 'em the boot data
being experienced more having it arise it's always there but we can't see it and so i think practices to deal with the their the manners consciousness and the elia consciousness ah so we can think they can ease and settle and back off it takes a lot of
kindness to this practice and patience and perseverance as you all know a lot of compassion and tenderness towards yourself to have these things begin to settle and not be afraid not to be afraid
so i'm
i think that's enough about that other than hearing kaja tell us who she does
poetry often does it i'm not so good with port for myself i have no idea why i didn't don't seem to have gotten the gene but this one that i want to share with you
because it actually it's one of the few ones that that did make an impact on me a long time ago ah thirty something years ago
and as it puts upon by
to see somebody who lived in the think sixteenth century in england he was a simple poor parish priest and one of the greatest mistakes
the the
ups scares me
having a feeling
i could have
embarrassing but pleasurable
one of the greatest mistakes that the hopes scares me the church of england ever had ah and so it's what is what it describes his on an encounter between
a person probably much like us
who is invited to a feast by

divine love
pardon me i didn't know this was going to happen
oh dude droga touched

there's a thing i've done on skit night about
about being from maine and how we show emotion so far as i as far as i was concerned that is completely naked and you're all knew what was going on
but inside inside it's i'm i'm touched
humbled and all that stuff
so it's divine love
and divine compassion invites this person and than ordinary person into a into a feast and what what ensues is a struggle for that person i can't accept this some beautiful
a kind offer and puts up qualified and finally
and finally it gets resolved
i against ah
yeah i'm also so ah says
it says on love bad me welcome yet my soul drew back guilty of dust and sin
but quick i'd love observing me grow slack from my first entrance in drew nearer to me
sweetly questioning if i lacked anything
guest i answered worthy to be here love said you shall be here
i the unkind and grateful my dear i cannot look on the
love took my hand
and smiling did reply kiss me

ah scares me i love took my hand and smiling did reply who made the eyes but i truth lord but i have marred them let my shame go where it does deserve
and know you not says love who bore the blame
my dear than i will serve
you must sit down says love

excuse me you must sit down says love and taste my meat
so i did sit and eat

ah contests i that's all i have to say
are there any yeah
any questions or comments while i've regained my composure
ha goodness
oh and are you leaving
oh yeah i guess today
ah well you're welcome

oh george herbert
yeah somewhat tentative
so ever seen you actually running a by

thank you
there's no
your extreme
it's not a lot that's not a be
yeah you know why that's because a zen buddhism came from me
how it went from maine to china
to japan
you know i'm thinking about that the other night how like george herbert is sort of i got a christian roomie roomate know who what bigger lover is there than roomy but you know it's in it's in it it's in our stuff if you read the if you read well
because i'm reading it they didn't kotoko that transmission of the lamp for example the the exchanges between the ancestors and their students who become ancestors are so tender it's the most exquisitely touching
exchange for example like come
i think was it
an under asked ca show when a nun was ready he was ready to pop just ready to wake up and michael show can sense it and an under says teacher
did you get anything else with that rope and bowl
and that was just that was just the perfect question for intimacy and micah i seized it
yes yes
and and and other places where the teacher will invite student when it's time for that kind of intimacy like one of the other questions was teacher what's beneath that robe
how tender how tender not only the answer was intimacy
so we have it it's it's it's rather subtle i think a lot of times but it's very very tender very deep i think a real
where that's no longer to
no longer to who could ask for more
but it's my turn it's not there's no sentiment not much sentiment or flowers other than one flower
yeah it's like and it's sort of like if you're being courted here gear suit or instead of bring your bouquet brings you one flower oh
that is that how you could find
but one flower can say an awful lot
i go back to the first
he said like to talk about amputation
go to
allow to
and then
this last
and somehow i can also as a potential
are you a and i i think sometimes that people said
madrid last year
at a kind of doubt
but i know he knows where he gets his
so anyway i think this
imputation of or
and hundred bot it's not involved himself
there's ah there's i like imputations it
imputations usually involves self like i i i see myself and other people or their or other people and things are valuable only because how they relate to me that kind of thing but there's there is a way from the book data offers operates without that kind of
self interest there is no self interest throwing ourselves so it's a genuine giving a genuine sharing a genuinely open
communion i guess work them with what's really going on there's no me in between there's nothing in between me and what's going on there is no mean and there's actually nothing going on either so that that kind of love it's ah
for example like blanches my teacher
and hermit member i was not getting along so well with blanche and i went to see norman i said just get made a mistake
oh that's how i felt that i made me to made an error here
and in our in having blanches my teacher
and and hit we talked about it and he said well knowing if pharmacy you know if fewer
really charismatic are really popular and probably wouldn't get any time with her so it's good to have somebody who might not be so good you can spend a lot of time with them so okay and as it turned out it was completely right and that die somewhere
we started getting very close after
after our fights with each other i often saw her in the beginning as a what i called a mommy cocktail
i mean like she was all my mother
was can purchase any other words were a lot of lotta she was the perfect vessel for transference she was my mother and worse but the thing like but the cool thing was that she knew she wasn't
so we can talk about it and we did and there was a time when we were studying
together just the two of us the the transmission of the lamp and i left i've left those sessions just
i don't want to say on a cloud because it was a very grounded cloud but in love i left in love and it wasn't about me it wasn't about her it was what happened between us that kind of particular sharing and trust the developed you know between a
i guess a true teacher and i stumbled on student
but something
something happens and that kind of intimacy you know which out which our school values highly that's where oh yeah if you ever get a chance to have a true teacher
do it
to it it's some marvelous
something about yeah
ah existential ah i guess
you're in the patient and plan well when i hear the existential it means like what's really going on or in real life just just by being alive just by existing this is what is part of it it's not like there's been a mistake and your the you have that idea of existential
where's mako naco isn't that what what it means existential means like puts happening
well existentialism you know i didn't get there and plaza fade
okay that's what it means


other people

same as what
obama i told you how to ask
no just the twelve link chain
at any rate we sell everything we try to put a cell phone to everything
like you know what you go into a room
it was somebody else and then you look around than you live and then then if asked what you see in the room will be two different stories know ah
i saw what myself is what myself wants what i like what i don't like to somebody else would see something differently
ha and or for discover an event you know like police are trying to determine what happened and they get an account from eyewitnesses and they're all different so we are we put ourself on to everything
if we're not careful to make sense yeah
yeah and of course there isn't it
you know like for me to tell you who you are whole i'd be telling you who i am in you and that's all

oh gosh down
given that how how can we ever been her
ah it's not a question isn't that the question how can you ever get to a point where you are actually sell books from somebody else what's that take
if you do
takes immense trust and faith and willingness to risk and to be open and vulnerable
except for that
as nothing like being in private with fifty people
not go
the about the
practice instruction party
yeah which is just stop ah
and that's to let things are going to arise
just stop
oh yeah to stop and then they arise again yes they do yes now
over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again because the mind isn't going to stop producing thoughts to it does
it's his job it's like popcorn just they just keep coming just keep coming and it slows down
ah yeah and so it starts to slow down
he was carried it's it
i know
what do you do
don't do anything
just keep doing this you know this practice like like now you've got but but two more days three more days to well almost four
and if you keep doing this practice of i i'm just trying to allow things to be as they are which doesn't sound arrogant
doesn't mean that we that we do not allow things to be as they are for
so if you do that practice i'm sitting here you'll notice mean you know this otherwise you wouldn't be here at all
that it it slows down as you say all all stuff the controlling and discriminating and the chopping up and the dicing so that dumb like your go outside and you'll see like i come when one of our bedraggled
bamboo trees and it will just be glistening in the sun and you know what joy what joy
or you'll be sitting eating eating lunch and you'll look over there and say oh my god they are so beautiful
well sort of dumb mike didn't you
i'm a ventriloquist this
i was going to ask about instructions
as an actor saying now
hmm is that north and south bringing
could not necessarily a minutes like
you know when i say that i like oh my god i sound like nancy reagan to say no but not necessarily what i'm like for example i sit sit over there and can spend time or actually about well class today to spent about now and
every now and then when it wasn't too delicious to to and i'm going to enjoy this i enjoy ruminating and thinking when but i'm just for practice sake i would ever known then say oh right right right now now right now not right now and then give myself arrest someone like that there's no slapping involved
it's more ah i'm just just for now i'm going to practice on awareness number one to notice what's happening and and practicing
i want to be very careful what words i used because they can they can see manipulative and controlling but then just say no not right now i'll go back to actually life as it is right now which includes very interesting planning and thinking but not to go on with it do not to keep keep going
and get higher and higher and higher doesn't make sense
that's a question about whether it's actually something extra
just the sea salt
oh yes oh yes right not prizes is somehow
actually it's is
we're and
seems like that now is an additional
it's our
oh yeah well maybe it's like it's like being a priest
or they ordain to all the time and being a priest some of us need extra help
priest me like me need extra help
the need to have the heat turned up or need to have extra helps like saying no for example homeless if i actually say now it's more
you have to be pretty sharp to notice that you are involved that you're being feature seduced almost mesmerized by by thought and feeling don't think
service i guess can do it notice pretty easily but some some of us of else
i guess the no probably is extra of but needed in this case
where the star please stop
it's ah router
as far as you know
having a tradition

watch seats carlisle
several international inspections
it's just more
don't do this it's
love so much
now it gets a choice
has it certainly does arise doesn't it in practice don't you all find that that great tenderness or arises just by doing this practice
because we don't talk about image i think it's pretty unavoidable zone
i don't say it
behaviors based on based on the three
same thing
well it's still still if you know if i do a wholesome act if i do it then i've created seeds can be wholesome series but they still see it i'm not free from karma
germany still creates karma i think this selfless acts whom good luck which aren't a unself conscious acts are few and far between although i think i think the more that the buddha
is able to flourish maybe
the more that happens now what were you do something and there is no effect there's no residue there's nothing and left i don't mean effect but there's no residue there's nothing left undone so it's it's a complete selfless act i think those actually do happen
doesn't make sense
toby you'll have to tell me
schedule anything else

say it so interesting attorney
oh that's the other than like pink elephant
did the did something happen in your heads
so so you can see that when our eyes right the most of them don't you don't you don't see them you don't see where they come from you only see them after they started
now after the after they've been going for a low while like nano seconds maybe

oh my
how did you hear what she said
this goes up the last thing
i could try

love about me welcome
yet my soul drew back guilty of dust and sin
but quick i'd love observing me grow slack from my first entrance in drew nearer to me sweetly questioning if i lacked anything
a guest i answered worthy to be here love said you shall be here
i the unkind the ungrateful ah my dear i cannot look on the
love took my hand and smiling did reply who made the eyes but i
truth lord but i have marred them left my shame go where it does deserve
and know you not says love who bore the blame
my dear than i will serve
you must have i can't do that
new must sit downs as love and taste my made
so i did sit and eat

an intention