This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. To entice ourselves... presence into connection. So that it can speak with authority. That it can appear in contrast to the authority of the stories we're telling ourselves, the dialogues we're having inside our head. the feelings they're coming up for us to entice ourselves in the presence watching who we are how we separate how we become preoccupied

[01:27]

And then of course, that would be the enemy, wouldn't it? Reoccupation, distraction. So how can our effort have a straightforwardness to it? We make our effort and it turns out the way it turns out. The intention of the moment meeting the history, the conditions, the causes of a human life. Wouldn't it be a little presumptuous to think that our intention would marvelously master that in a single stroke? Here's a poem by William Stafford.

[02:40]

Counts it, you and art. Your exact errors make a music. Your straying feet find a great dance. And you live in a world where stumbling always leads home. Year after year fits over your face. When there was youth, your talent was youth. Later, you find your way by touch, where moss redeems the stone. And you discover where music begins before it makes any sound. Far in the mountains, where canyons go still as the always falling ever new flakes of snow. Your exact errors make a music.

[03:47]

What happens when your intention meets the moment? It doesn't get in the way, it is the way. That's what's there to be aware of. The intention initiates contact. Maybe not the contact you expected. Maybe not the contact you hoped for. But contact. Your exact errors make a music. Your straying feet find the great dance. You always end up exactly where you are. Is that or is that not good news? For someone who's committed to being present where they are. And you live on a world where stumbling always leads home.

[05:06]

Okay, what's happening now? Last night, I had a serious talk with the Shuso. He tweaked his back in the stretching period. So we talked about what to do. He was hurting significantly, difficult to sit with. So after long and earnest discussion, we agreed he would sit in a chair the last two periods because you know you only get one body you might as well take care of it and see if you can get it the last a while and then after Zai Zen I asked him well did you sit in a chair no

[06:13]

Maybe nobody ever does what they're told. For some reason, it has occurred to me many times people who don't like to be told what to do come to Zen. Then they come to Zen and then they get told what to do and then they don't do it. It's like some part of us will be present as the last resort. I'm going to try everything else first. And if all else fails, okay, then I'll be present.

[07:25]

In some pristine, immaculate way. And in the meantime, present with whatever arises, whatever stumbling, whatever error whatever hesitation. Whatever it is. Then I looked at the schuss, I was like, huh, is that what we talked about? And he looked at me like, well, you know. And then he told me something. We both sort of looked at each other like, Isn't it marvelous what your mind can come up with? What emotions course through us, what habit energy asserts itself in our behavior, in our remembrances.

[08:39]

as we open the scrapbook of the past and pluck out, ah, I think it's time for this bedtime story. It's a scary fairy tale. Or this one. It's a Greek tragedy. Or this one. It's a great adventure. What is such workings of a human existence? How is it related to that it leads home? That it leads back to here? That it leads back to now? That it creates contact with what's happening here, stimulating

[09:43]

experience of now that can speak with the authority of experience in contrast to the conjecture, the hypothesis, the imaginings, the rationalizations, the habituations of our mind. proposition in front of us in practice clearly okay it's pretty much how it is delusions are inexhaustible I vow to practice with them this lifetime of conditioned existence

[10:52]

Isn't going to roar to a screeching halt just because I followed my breath for three breaths? And the very process itself. It's a beautiful poem to my mind. to my ear, to my heart, in the verse, among Asdankshan. He puts it in this language. Among Asdankshan, among the three Buddha bodies, which one doesn't fall into any category. and says, I always stay close to this.

[11:59]

In a sophisticated way, the monk is saying, what's the character of presence? What category does it come forth with? Dengshan says, I always stay close to this. This ever-changing world offering itself as an opportunity for presence. What's happening now? what's happening now. An image. Staying close to the request of practice.

[13:13]

Letting that contact illuminate what happens in the alchemy between intention and conditioned existence. The intention initiates. The intention brings forth contact. Of course, the effort, the technique, an influence. You know, yesterday I was saying, allowing with the inhale, releasing with the exhale. Of course, that's not the only way to practice. But I would say, it's not too bad.

[14:19]

I could try to sell it some more, but It was yesterday's talk. The alchemy of intention and conditioned existence, bringing forth the moment. The challenge for us as human beings is When we intend something, we really like it when we get the consequence that we were intending. And practice is asking a certain adroitness. You get the consequence you get. What's happening now?

[15:25]

This moment. So it's so easy to slip in a sense of error, a sense of stumbling. The verse says this. This closeness. This closeness is heart-rending. If you search outside, if your mind and heart go to what it's not, am I never going to control this mind? Am I never going to feel a deep ease, a great love, a transcendent presence? Whatever it is, you're really, really, really hoping for. the agenda the whole process is a heartbreaker this closeness is heart-rending if you search outside why does ultimate familiarity seem like enmity why is it is just start to settle

[16:56]

You notice unsettledness. Because the world simply will not be what you want it to be. Maybe for a moment. good day. The world will be what the world will be. Your body will be what it will be. The exhale will be what it will be. Dugan Zenji says, when you're not so close, it seems complete.

[18:07]

When you get closer, you notice something is missing. It's ever-changing. It's ephemeral. It's a conditioned arising in that moment So as we get closer, noticing the missteps, noticing the disconnect. Even though I'm connecting to the exhale, something's not quite full.

[19:11]

Something in the body is holding on to attention. The mind is not quite attentive. It's a little distracted or a lot distracted. Okay. That's what you call presence. Failure if you like. Call it enmity. Let it break your heart because it's not what you were hoping for. But in the art of practice, quite simply, if that's stirring up agitation and distress and discomfort, It's more likely to hinder than to help.

[20:24]

It's just how it is. Amity, distress, discomfort usually agitate the mind, dissipate the intentionality dissipate the contact. A certain adroitness, a certain non-attachment. Okay, here's intention, let's see what happens. That's what's happening. That old story that I seem to be endlessly entertained by.

[21:39]

Oh, that random thought, that inconsequential jingle from a TV ad from my youth. Go figure. This way of returning intention that's not weighed down by expectation. This way of engaging that's enlivening in its approach rather than determined in creating a consequence.

[22:51]

as a cautionary tale. This closeness is heart-rending when you search outside. Why does ultimate familiarity seem like enmity? From beginning to end, The whole face has no color or shape. Still, your head is asked for by Kaushan. What arises will be what arises. A meeting that goes to the heart of practice.

[24:14]

You are not it. It actually is you. The world is not what you think it is. The world is what it is. And you're part of that creation. to you an enormously important part of that creation the most significant part of it but still just part of it something in the intimate workings of our being asserting the self. It's a matter of survival. And you're asking me to give that up?

[25:28]

You're asking me to sit in a chair instead of on the tongue? That is a lot to ask. I get to do another talk later. So, of course, The closer we get, the more fuss we make. Not to say there are no moments of serenity.

[26:39]

Not quotes from the book of serenity. Not to say there are no moments of acceptance. Just to say, usually there's a whole lot more than that. If we're only present, if we're only going to condone and confirm the serenity and the acceptance, there's going to be a lot of other stuff that's not being met, not being open to. not being connected allowed to register be experienced and allowed to speak its truth the truth of suchness not to annihilate the activity of the self but to offer an illumination

[27:57]

And then this kind of response arises. And this response gets associated with this and with this. Ripples through the body like this. Stirs up these images. something about refining our effort. Making our effort, accepting the consequence. Allowing the inhale, letting go on the exhale.

[29:11]

sitting upright letting it become a field of experience not just appendages arms and legs in a biomechanical position but letting as that becomes infused with awareness letting it become a sensorium a field of sensing. And as it's not held together with notions like my body, my shoulder blade, my left knee, it literally takes on a life of its own. the Dharma gate is experiencing.

[30:29]

We adopt something called appropriate posture and give over to the physical sensation of being body. going beyond thinking body give over to the sensation of breath in the body going beyond I'm breathing and we have glimpses Something elemental, original, foundational.

[31:43]

Something other than the body, the breath, according to me. The practice being done by me. The intention that comes from the constructed world of me meets the experience. The authority, the clarity, the suchness of experiencing guides the intention, refines the effort. This happened in the pure land, in the realm beyond human conditioning, in the realm beyond expectations, likes and dislikes, of simple.

[33:04]

But it happens in the realm of conditioning, distractions. hesitancies resistances so this great patients dying in categories me great patients come back come back come back come back as if it all like a great dance, weaving back and forth, discovering despite the insistence of self-survival, discovering that momentary experience

[34:11]

right there it's right there in the settling attention on the exhale and it's right there in the mind that grasps thought So as the attention saddles on the experience, it's about getting out of the way. When attention, when we give over to body, body will do just fine. Thank you. When there's resistance, when there's hesitancy, when there's distraction, when there's preoccupation, when there's agitation, that's asking us to discover appropriate response in this moment.

[35:27]

Now you can try to do that with your mind. You'll have some luck there. But as best you can, if you can listen and learn from what's going on. If you want to know how to work with your body, ask your body, not your mind. Of course, your mind will already have told you several answers. how to let the moment speak we notice we do something like acknowledge let it register let it be experienced

[36:39]

with an attentiveness that's not fooled by, this is not what I wanted. That's not fooled by, this is not as good as it was in the last period. It's not full by, it's probably about five minutes left in this period before it's over. Or this is the last period before lunch. An attentiveness, an involvement, towards returning to experiencing.

[37:58]

And as we do that, sometimes, maybe more than we'd care to admit, the quivering, the trembling of a human heart. Have we or have we not been trying to live this life? Have we or have we not constructed these patterns of existence as an attempt to be happy and free from suffering? and as direct experiencing sheds light on them.

[39:09]

This fragile vulnerable equation at the center of our existence. Why does this intimacy feel like enmity? A very gentle, steady effort. Very patient, compassionate, benevolent approach to what's stirred up. As if each exhale was saying, It's okay.

[40:16]

You don't have to fight. You don't have to resist. You don't have to struggle. You're going to be okay. And each inhale. So it is. So it is. This moment is what it is. Turning towards each arising. Whatever it is, it's what is. Experience.

[41:17]

As Dong Shan says, modest like, I stay close. stay close let it become familiar as you enter your room notice as you leave your room notice as you walk to the Zen door notice as you walk away from the Zendo notice as you go to the bathhouse notice as you leave the bathhouse notice I noticed the sky yesterday just before dinner

[42:33]

washed-eyed blue deepening into the dark with a kind of outrageous renaissance brushstroke of cloud illuminated from the setting sun a tinge, slight tinge of red You know, sometimes it's not too bad to be alive. It could be worse. To make it a habit to become familiar, to notice, to notice, to notice, to stay close.

[43:41]

not in some great pompous way that's going to conquer the world. But just to appreciate that noticing, experiencing is a great gift. It's a great gift the world is giving us if we receive it and on our cushion ripening this noticing letting it become more intimate more detailed When all hell breaks loose, notice it.

[45:00]

All hell's breaking loose. Amazing. And I thought we were in for sunny weather. When sunny weather happens, when the mind is quiet, soak it up. Lose yourself in the stark branches, reaching up in some strange dance. experience experience experience how else will the moment have authority how else will something other than what we conjure up in our memories and our thoughts speak

[46:29]

else will we not just stay inside some cocoon of our own constructions. But gently, persistently, patiently, but gently. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge and and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit SSCC.org and click Giving.

[47:17]

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