This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. A Buddha is someone who can see how things really are. And when we're studying Buddhism, we are... to be come someone who can see how things really are the the thing that's the most difficult for us to see that about is ourself we have bound up with our idea of ourself all these hopes and fears and ideals and efforts that make us look at things this thing and all of the things in a confused way.

[01:07]

So in a Buddhist practice, this Buddhist practice is really the only one I know, but our attention is directed toward ourself and toward that possible confusion that comes up around ourself. And one way of describing that confusion is... Well, there's a couple of different ways that I want to bring up tonight. One is that we think somehow I'm separate from other things, and especially other things, they have an impact on me, obviously, but still there's some way that I'm kind of separate from that interaction. So things happen. If a good thing happens, then, of course, I feel happy. bad thing happens, then I feel sad or angry or something. But that good and bad are completely, without even thinking about it, personalized.

[02:07]

It's actually what makes me happy is what's good. And what makes me unhappy is what's bad. So it's a kind of circular thing where I look at something, my reaction happens, and then I know what that thing is, good or bad. So And then another way of describing this is... Let's see if I can remember it. This escaped me for now, so skip that. In... In the Ocean Seal Concentration, which is one of the things that... one of the fascicles that Dogen wrote, he describes this as... or a different way, a more accurate way of looking at ourself as... Only by the compounding of many elements is this body made. Only by the compounding of many elements is this body made.

[03:11]

When this body arises, only elements have arisen. When it vanishes, only elements have vanished. When the elements arise, they don't say, arise and when the elements vanish they don't say I vanish many of you know I think that last night we had a an event that happened not at Tassajara but very connected to Tassajara where our Tantra truck burnt up on the road to Tassajara and the three students who were in it got out and were fine and really it was a very small event given that you know there were you know there were some personal belongings that burned up and there were some mission linen things that burned up and there were you know in another way it wasn't so small there were a lot of fumes and things were put out into the air i guess it was quite spectacular the

[04:22]

The volunteer fire department, who is these wonderful people who live in Kachawa and Jamesburg, were there like immediately, practically as soon as they were called. They just jump in their trucks and come. They all had on air masks because of the fumes. But the forest didn't start on fire. Lots of disasters were narrowly averted. So in a way, it was a very small event. In another way, I talked to someone today who has had a lot of interactions with that town trip truck. He has a very close relationship with that town trip truck. And he said, it's like this hole. And I walked up the road before the lecture, and there was a spot where it normally sits, and it's so empty. It reminded me of when the old zendo burned here. I mean, the zendo, like the heart of the... Tassajara, really. And it was there and then it was gone.

[05:24]

So things, when elements vanish, they don't say I'm vanishing. I was thinking, where was I last night when that truck was burning up? I think it was around 7.30. 6.40. 6.40. So I don't know where I was, but some of you were getting ready to go into dinner. Some of us were done with dinner. Certainly had no idea. There was nothing At least, I didn't hear of anyone who said, I feel like something's not quite right. Something, there's a disturbance in the force. No, these elements didn't say anything about it. And yet, when this truck and everything in it vanished, it actually had an impact on us. It actually, we were compounded partly of that truck. And now we're compounded partly of the absence of that truck. So if we're watching ourself and watching how... It's not just that a good thing happens and that I'm happy.

[06:35]

It's that how I interact with that thing makes it good and makes it a happy thing for me and makes it whatever. That might make it unhappy for someone else. That it's a very... alive and intimate interaction. There's a song that we sing in the morning, a chant that we do, called the, now we call it the harmony of difference and equality. We used to call it the merging of difference and unity. I kind of like that better. But I'll sing along with you guys. But... At any rate, the difference is the same. Basically, there is a way that I'm different from you and that I'm different from that truck, and you're different than the wake-up bell and everything, all those things out there. There's a way that they're there, and there's a way that we are a unity, that we're all in this together.

[07:40]

We can't get away from each other. We have an impact on each other. all of us, and then all of these inanimate objects and all these animate objects. There's a way that we're making each other, and it's a very intimate way. So in this merging of difference and unity, and that's what it's talking about, it's talking about we can't go one way or the other. We can't go to things that are different, but we can't go to things that are all the same either. There's this very alive interaction that's happening. In it, the first line is, the mind of the great sage of India is intimately communicated. So the great sage of India is the Buddha, this being that sees things accurately. And that mind that sees things accurately is intimately communicated. And I believe that's what Tassajara is about. And that this intimately is maybe one way of saying it is it's so intimate our mind can't get a hold of it.

[08:52]

It like sneaks in below or around our mind, our normal mind that's trying to think about what am I doing here? You know, what? Usually about this time in a practice period. In the winter, we do two practice periods. We call them practice periods. Sometimes we don't call the summer a practice period, but it actually is a practice period. About this time in a practice period, a lot of people start thinking, what did I do? What am I doing here? Is this really what I wanted to be doing? The early glow has worn off and it's starting to dawn on you that that wake-up bell is going to happen every morning. and then all the other things are going to happen and fall in line after that. And what was that about? And our mind is trying to do various things, like prove that I'm a good person, that I made this right choice in my life that's going to make me into the person that I want to be. So how was that again?

[09:54]

What did that have to do with this? And I've talked to several people who tell me, I'm more confused now. than I was before I came here. I said, congratulations, you're right on the right track. Because I believe that. Because our mind, our normal mind, it desperately wants to be in control. It thinks it should be in control. It thinks that's its job, to figure out how to have this being live a good life and have good things happen around it. probably, therefore, also be happy. Happy things happen around it. But anyway, whatever our values are, our mind thinks it's its job to put us on the right track. And it's a little bit egotistical to think it's its job to get everything in order, you know, especially when you think of the unity aspect of our life where everything is really like everything.

[10:57]

Our mind thinks it's supposed to be in charge of everything. To have our mind be able to find out, is there anything else it can trust besides itself? Mostly, it doesn't think so, really. It longs for something to trust. It longs for a teacher, somebody they can trust. It longs for a soulmate. It longs for its true self. career or profession or way. It wants that, but it doesn't really believe it can handle that. It has to choose that, right? It has to see it and say, oh yeah, you're my teacher. But in this intimate transmission, it's so intimate, it's so deep that it kind of goes under our mind and it starts seeping in where our mind can't quite get a hold of it or isn't even sure it's there. this way of being able to look at ourselves and see, oh, I'm compounded by many elements.

[12:05]

I'm actually made up and are making up everything that's happening. I'm helping to make everything that's happening. Everything that's happening is making me. And then to stay with that, rather than having a vision of how things should be and trying to make the universe into that, to intimately receive what is being made and to stay with it and see what is the teaching here. Or another way of putting it, the first koan, Zen story, in the Soto Zen book of koans, Soto Zen is what we do here, is called The World Honored One Ascended the Seat. And basically, very short story, the world honored one, I don't remember an example.

[13:09]

Anyway, he came into the hall and ascended the seat, the teaching seat. And Manjusri, who's the bodhisattva of wisdom, hits a gavel and says, clearly observe the dharma of the king of dharma. The king of dharma is thus. And the world honored one gets down from the seat. That's the story. Buddha comes into the zendo or into the Buddha hall, it would be normally where the teaching is done. Sits down in the seat, fixes his robes, you know, just like we do take forever. Sits there quietly. Manjushri hits the gavel and says, clearly observe the dharma, the teaching of the king of teaching. The teaching of the king of teaching is thus. And then the Buddha gets down and goes out. So this is the first koan in the Soto Zen Book of Koans, and therefore I think a pretty basic what is this practice about.

[14:12]

And the way I understand that is exactly what I've been talking about, is the teaching is here. We have to... Be open to the teaching that's here, to the teaching that arises here. How is this person compounded? How is this person... Who is this person? What is this person made up of? Can we clearly observe that? Can we watch as... I think it's talking about each of us as the world-honored one. Each of us, sit down at your seat. Sit there and listen to the dharma of the king of dharma. Listen to the dharma that's being created here. And this, I think, is what's pretty confusing for anyone who's honest about it. It's like, what? What goes on in your zazen? You know, what goes on in my zazen doesn't really seem like dharma.

[15:13]

It seems like sleepiness or sometimes it seems like clarity and... you know, birds singing and the suburban coming in last night instead of the town trip truck, you know. But a lot of the time it seems like stories happening and kind of, you know, lots of things, lots of things that I wouldn't necessarily imagine as the dharma of the king of dharma. But I think this teaching is saying stay with it, stay there, stay open to it, Don't just try to understand it with your mind. Try to understand it with your body. Try to stay open to it with your body and see, is it trustworthy? If we aren't putting it into that context of, do I like this or don't I like this? Is this a pleasant thing for me or an unpleasant thing for me?

[16:14]

Therefore, is it good or is it bad? If it's just... Is this trustworthy? What does that mean exactly? Is it alive? Is it responsive? Is it beneficial? And that beneficialness might take a while to manifest itself, so to stay there with it for a while and to have our capacity for seeing how things actually are increase. It's not so easy to see how things actually are. It's not so easy to be a human being, as I've said before. As human beings, we have this sense that there's a self here, and we also have a sense that it's pretty fragile, actually, that it can die, for instance, and it can be hurt and many other things along the way to dying. So to be really aware of that,

[17:20]

and the degree to which it's out of our control is pretty difficult. So to actually stay there with that, and it allows our capacity to stay there, our knowledge, not knowledge in our head, but knowledge in our, I think maybe in our cells, somewhere besides our heads, our knowledge that it's okay to be this way. It's okay to be a human being in this situation. I mean, this is the situation we're in all the time. We aren't really in control. We just pretend like we're in control. We are really fragile. We are really going to die. We just pretend like, well, maybe not. Maybe it doesn't have to happen now. So to actually be able to be there more for that, living human experience is, I think, opening to how things actually are, with the possibility of actually seeing that.

[18:29]

So this, as I said, I think this teaching, this opening to the Dharma that is manifesting in this body and mind It happens very intimately here and everywhere, actually, but here in particular. It happens through very small things. It happens through bowing to each other on the path. It happens through sharing meals with each other. It happens through sharing moods with each other. either talking about them or not talking about them, just being in each other's presence as we go through various states of mind and still try to walk this life, still try to be at work because you know your crew needs you that day, even though you don't feel like, I don't feel really great today, but I'm going to go anyway because they're expecting me to...

[19:46]

make the coffee or all the various things that we do. So doing those things, and sometimes it includes not being able to do that. Today I just can't do it. I can't do the part that I think I'm supposed to play. So today I have to play a different part. So that interacting that we do with each other, that compounding of each other, that compounding of many elements to make this body is the intimate thing that's happening. And I think it appears slowly over time. And that probably by the time you leave Tassajara, you'll have more of a sense of it than you might right now. And often about this time, along with this questioning, what am I doing here? Or that arises partly from us having an idea about what we were doing here. And then it doesn't quite

[20:46]

We thought we were going to be doing something, and then that doesn't look like what's happening exactly. So it takes a little while for that idea to break apart enough that we can start to see what are the effects of this intimate dawning of the mind of the great sage of India. And this mind, this mind of the great sage of India that is open to the Dharma, the king of Dharma, as it's manifested in this particular body and mind. So that's what I think we're doing here. I'm wondering if you have any thoughts or questions. Yes, do you want to say anything else before I say that?

[21:55]

Before I say something? Or should I just go ahead? Okay. I was talking with someone about this today, so excuse me, whoever you are, because I'm going to say it again. In Buddhism, there are two equal parts. Wisdom and compassion. And wisdom is kind of what I've been talking about tonight, seeing things accurately, being open to things as they happen. Compassion is completely equal with wisdom. I believe, and I believe I've experienced, that it comes right along with it. That if we actually see how things are, compassion is there. And that mostly, I think, in Zen, the gate is wisdom. The gate is seeing how things are. But that doesn't mean that compassion is like down the road.

[22:59]

Compassion is right there because it comes right with wisdom. Of course, rarely is it 100%. Rarely is our wisdom 100%, so therefore rarely is our compassion 100%. And lack of compassion, we feel it. We feel it. And one of the ways to see things as they actually are is to recognize suffering when we see it. So lack of compassion is one of the forms of suffering that we can start to recognize more completely. And recognizing it as suffering brings it closer to compassion. Do you want to now ask anything more? Is that enough? Thanks. Yes? Say it again. Remembering.

[24:00]

Well, some of us should slow down a little bit. Not all of us. Some of us should speed up a little bit. But, you know, we have a lot of ideas about how much we have to get done and how busy we should be and need to be, and I'm not sure how much of that's true. You know, I mean, there are things, there certainly are things things that we hope to do in a day and you know our guests come here and pay money and expect to have beds that are made and food on the table and bag lunch arrive and you know or not arrive but bag lunch be out there and then they come to it so that's true and I think that's one of the benefits of the summer that there's there are some like I think of them was like walls you know like there there are things there that we actually need to interact with and In the winter, in a way, you know, we could just, if we could all agree, which we probably couldn't, but if we could, or if just the head of the practice period decided, okay, let's everyone today will sleep till noon and then we'll sit till midnight.

[25:27]

You know, we could do that, right? If somebody, like the head of the practice period, decided that was a compassionate or beneficial thing to do. In the summer, we have these, like, things that we need to do, and I think it's kind of good for us in some way to have that real life, if we want to call it that, aspect to our life. You know, like, oh, yeah, this is like out in the world where there are expectations, which is, you know, we're not just practicing so we can live at Tassajara forever. Some people might. That would be good. I'd love to have somebody stay here for a really long, long time. But... Even if somebody stayed here for a really long, long time, let's even say forever, still, we're not just practicing. We're not doing something that just works at Tassajara. This isn't just about making a life that works.

[26:29]

This is about being in touch with the way things actually work. This is about being in touch with the nature of reality. Your question was, again, how to stay in touch with that mind of being open to the Dharma when we have this other goal happening, get this done. Is that right? I think in that other goal, in that work process, uh agenda sort of there's and somewhat bound up with the fact that we have that goal and it feels like we need to do it is is a kind of suffering right i mean it happens every once in a while that you feel like this is too much i can't do this or something else like that happens that is one of the clues to wait a minute what am i doing here

[27:35]

Oh, yeah, I wanted to be open to the teaching. Is there teaching here? So that very questioning is part of the, that questioning, what am I doing here, is part of the remembering to look for it. What was it again? And then where do I look? Oh, well, the place to look, if we don't get confused, is right here, right there in the midst of doing those busy things. You know, as the one koan says, where is the one that isn't busy in the midst of sweeping? Does that make any sense or do you want to ask something further? Yes?

[28:38]

Again, I think it's most important to look at what's actually happening then. And that there actually is space there already. You don't have to... The space is already there. A lot of the feeling of not having space is because we're thinking ahead. I don't know about you, but it's probably a fair amount like me. I tend to have the same neurotic thoughts over and over and over again. If I'm thinking, I have to remember this, and then I have to remember it, and I have to remember it. Actually, I'm not sure that it's of any benefit that I keep saying that to myself over and over and over again. It's more like a kind of nervousness or not trusting. But I don't know how to stop myself from doing that. But it has, in my life, been useful to see, oh, it wasn't actually useful.

[29:52]

I was just doing it. And then how does that... kind of settling so that it's just like one thing and then the next thing and then the next thing and then the next thing and sometimes the next thing is remembering oh yeah I forgot to do that thing or it might be now I better write a list you know there's like too many things I'm not going to remember this so write a list that's the next thing how does that settling happen that's I think the intimate thing you know that it has to do with trust it has to do with trust is it is it okay to be this person in this situation? And that's a mental question when we ask it like that, but the answer is actually more about settling. It's more about like, okay, it is okay to be me here. And I think it happens mostly gradually as we find out.

[30:54]

not, again, so much with our minds, but with our bodies, that, oh, that terrible thing happened, and actually it wasn't as terrible as I thought it would have been. Okay. Yes. I don't know if I know of a difference. Can you say anything more? like me and find that overwhelming.

[32:01]

I take it on as a compassionate person hoping that I can help them. Yes. But I feel it has to be overwhelming for me. I feel compassion is more an overall sense of we're all suffering and we are all working our lives. And for me that's a safer or a At least compassion as you imagine it would be a more serene state, a better state in a way. Yeah, I hear you. Well, I'm going to argue with you a little bit or differ. So I think... When we take on... When we feel something and we think we're feeling what somebody else is feeling, actually, we're feeling what we are feeling.

[33:10]

And we're feeling what we imagine they might be feeling. That we actually don't have anybody's feelings but our own feelings. And they're affected by, you know, just as I was saying, we're like made by other people in other situations. But... we don't actually know exactly what they're feeling. So, and sometimes the feelings that we feel around other people, you know, that we imagine are empathetic with them. I mean, they are empathetic with them, and we imagine that they're what they're feeling. Sometimes that imagining that it's what they're feeling even makes it worse, especially if it's somebody who we care about. You know, then we're, like, I have a sister who's blind, and... For a long time, it's like I dreaded every time I went to see her. I wanted to go see her, but I dreaded it. And finally I figured out it was because I'm imagining what her life would be like for me. But she's actually living her life all the time. And, you know, it's not the same for her as it is for me.

[34:14]

So that was helpful to me to see that. And it didn't, you know, I still had this feeling, but it didn't have the same weight of I'm actually... feeling what she's feeling, and it included some kind of obligation to somehow get her a happier life and all kinds of things. So I think that's something to be careful about when we feel overwhelmed by not to separate it, not to say, this is that other person's feeling, and now it's overwhelming me. Really, it's our own feeling that's overwhelming us. And you've hit on, I think, exactly a very major point, which is if we can stand to have the feelings that we're having, then we can stand to be around other people. Then we can stand to live our life. And really, a lot of what determines that, you know, I can't do this, I can't do that, and I don't want to be around this, and I'm going to kill that.

[35:19]

wars and whatnot, is that we can't stand to have the feelings that we have around those situations of those people. So it's really a crucial part of Buddhist practice is to be able to have the feelings that we have. And our main way in this practice of doing that is to take a stable posture, sitting, standing, walking, or lying down. and try to be open to what's happening in this body and mind. And then something more like what you're describing as compassion starts to happen, but there might still be really particular, even difficult, empathetic things that happen, compassionate or not compassionate, empathetic or revulsive things that happen. But still, can I stand to have those feelings?

[36:21]

Because if I can stand to have them, then I don't have to do things to get away from them. So there's more choice about what's my actual active response. Thank you. Yeah, Liam. Do you recommend spending some of my wisdom and... kind of thinking about things, noticing what sort of stimuli and situations bring up feelings that I don't enjoy? Or do you recommend kind of spending more of my energy finding equanimity regardless of the situation? I wouldn't, I don't think, do either one of those things necessarily. I mean, I think it does lead to finding equanimity, but not like trying to find equanimity. And it does lead to noticing what things bring, unpleasant feelings or whatever.

[37:27]

But it's not trying to, like, you know, catch those exactly. It's more like just being in the situation and trying to be open. and noticing when I'm not open, trying to be open. Noticing when I'm not open, trying to be open. Sometimes trying to be open means I can be open. Sometimes it doesn't mean I can be open. Then continue noticing when I'm not open. Just trying to be open to not being open, but not making excuses about it. Not trying to get away from it, not trying to defend it. Just being settled in the situation, trying to be open to what's happening. It's a kind of zazen. Is there anything else? Greg? There's two great things here.

[38:28]

There's this great opportunity for silent practice. Yes. And there's also tons of opportunity to socialize. Yes. So going to eat every day. It's this one. We could talk a little bit in all of them. And I always find myself doing this little dance about, like, do I want to kind of go this mindful route where I'm really going to just savor, you know, sit at the quiet table? More often, this sort of social side of me kind of waves or takes over. Yes. I enjoy that very much. But I sort of want, like, strike the balance or sort of, like, understanding the parts of myself that want one and also want the other and how to bring those partly or kind of most, you need to see what I'm getting at. Or maybe you don't. How do you work with both of those in the context of Zen practice? Yeah. Well, you don't have any choice. You are working with both of those, and this is in the context of Zen practice. And they don't oppose each other.

[39:31]

I mean, they look like they oppose each other, but actually they're both in there working at the same time. And you're... you think you're making a decision about it. It feels like we are making a decision about it. I'm not totally sure that we are. I mean, to some extent I suppose we are, but if there comes a day when you're just like, no, I cannot sit, I can't have a social meal right now. I'm going to sit at the silent table. Or you sit at the silent table and say, no, I actually want to be over there. Or you sit at the silent table and then you start talking to the person next to you. It's not like one is better than the other. They're both very useful, and they both have their pitfalls. There are some people who sit at the silent table to avoid the other tables, and sometimes that's a good thing. It's like, this is enough. I'm with people all day long. For me, where I am in my life right now, that's all.

[40:35]

That's enough. Thank God this silent table's here. For other people, it's like, It's not taking that next step to try to figure out how would I relate with people in just an everyday way. But that's not what we need to do. We don't need to figure out which one of those is this for me. Just do what you're doing. Just do it as wholeheartedly as you can. When you walk in there, I know it's terrible. It's one of the worst things about... summer practices, you have to figure out where to sit in mealtimes. It's really hard, you know, so, but just, you know, have your way of doing it, however you decide to do it. Either you go with your instinct when you walk in, or maybe you'll, like, try this one. Sit, you know, sit at one, this first table, one day, one meal, and then the next table, the next meal, and then the next table, the next meal, and just keep going around, you know, all summer long.

[41:36]

Back to the back. each one table after another. It's a way not to have to decide each time, and you just sit there and deal with what happens. Good things are available at every table. We should stop now. Thank you all very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[42:13]

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