Thank you. Thank you, Arlene. Good evening. Is it on? Is it going fine? Okay, good. So it's really great to see many faces I haven't seen in a while and some faces I've seen a lot. Hi, Jeremy. And so it's great to be here having been out to Green Gulch for some time. So it's good. And many things have happened since I've been here. It almost feels like a whole other world. So I'll talk a bit and then I do want to have some time where folks can ask questions about what I'm talking about or add. You know, if you want to add to what I'm talking about, you have to have a question. So feel free to do that, all right?

[01:02]

And I think for some of you, since the last time I saw you, I was ordained last year. It was like five years ago. But last year, and my teacher is Zen K. Blanche Hartman at the San Francisco Zen Center. And so... I like to have some claim to fame, so I tell everybody, I think I'm her last ordinee. But who knows? Blanche is very busy. First, I'd like to let you know what the topic of my talk is tonight. I named it The Privilege of Expressing Love and Receiving It. The Privilege of Expressing Love and Receiving It. And I want to share with you a passage from this book, Paradise, by Toni Morrison. And it's one of those books a lot of people said they had a hard time understanding.

[02:09]

And it was like the first book ever of Toni Morrison that I understood. So I found that kind of interesting. I have never understood or dealt this one. And the story is fascinating because it centers around a group of women who were actually outcasts in the town of Ruby. And they lived in this place that was a convent, once a convent in the town, and they made this convent their paradise. But also this convent was a place that was imposed upon them, they were kind of relegated to that convent. So the place was both paradise and prison. So it's a very fascinating book in that way. I can see. I think I can get it. Thank you. So the part I am going to read, it's a wedding.

[03:12]

It's at a wedding of this woman who's getting ready, Billy Dahlia, is getting ready to get married. And the guy she's marrying is known in town as the one who has been with every woman in town. And everybody knows this about it, but she's getting married to him because that's who she loves. And so the wedding's going on, and Reverend Pulliam is talking to her about love. And when people would call me and say they didn't understand paradise, I would say, listen to this. So I'm going to ask you to listen to this. This is what this book's about. And it's hard for you to close your eyes. That always helps, too, when you're listening. Let me tell you about love. That silly word you believe is about whether you like somebody or whether somebody likes you. or whether you can put up with somebody in order to get something or someplace you want.

[04:12]

Or you believe it has to do with how your body responds to another body, like robins or bison. Or maybe you believe love is how forces or nature or luck is benign to you. In particular, not maiming or killing you, but if so doing it for your own good. Love is none of that. There is nothing in nature like it. Not in robin or bison or in the banging tails of your hunting dogs and not in blossoms or suckling foil. Love is divine only and difficult always. If you think it is easy, you are a fool. If you think it is natural, you are blind. It is a learned application without reason or motive, except that it is God. You do not deserve love regardless of the suffering you have endured.

[05:17]

You do not deserve love because somebody did you wrong. You do not deserve love just because you want it. You can only earn by practice and careful contemplation the right to express it, And you have to learn how to accept it. Which is to say, you have to earn God. You have to practice God. You have to think God carefully. And if you are a good, diligent student, you may secure the right to show love. Love is not a gift. It is a diploma. A diploma conferring certain privileges. The privilege of expressing love. and the privilege of receiving it. How do you know when you graduated that you have graduated? You don't. What you do know is that you are human and therefore educable and therefore capable of learning how to love and therefore interesting to God who is interested only in himself, which is to say he is not interested only

[06:34]

He is interested only in love. Do you understand me? God is not interested in you. He is interested in love. And the bliss it brings to those who understand and share that interest. So I read that about 150 times. So why would I choose that? And I asked myself, what is it that Tony's trying to say, Tony Morrison is trying to convey through this Reverend Pulliam and his talk to this couple that's getting married? And I thought about, he was talking about the scope of love, that love wasn't as small as we often want to make it. And she's also talking about holding love further out than our own needs. and our own preferences.

[07:36]

And that love is larger than our needs and our preferences. And I think she was trying to say, in order to express it, one must be connected to nature. And that's that part where it says, there's nothing like it in nature. There's nothing like it. So you almost have to go in nature to even know what she's saying about that. And that love is not just handed over Because we deserve it. And so love has always been an exploration for me most of my life. And I think as a child, my spiritual journey began with this notion of God as raised in a church of Christ. And so in this church, God was the main player. in my life. He was the one, this personified God, was the one who giveth and taketh away. And so I was like, oh, how do I get?

[08:39]

And so I began to position myself for this love from God. I wanted to be very kind and very nice and very whatever it needed to be to get this love. And so this positioning for love, of course, crashed eventually because what that did is created a great amount of disappointment in my life and also created a great amount of isolation because I'm conditioned. I'm making it up. I'm manufacturing it. I'm not being it. I'm trying to get it, you know, and so I thought, well, I'm a very kind person, so why don't I receive this love? Why am I not loved? So that also was a place of suffering when you're sitting, you're begging and asking and yearning for that love that you think is coming from someplace.

[09:47]

that even if it is God. I don't know if you know in the Bible, it says that God is love. That's what it says. God is love. And so, which is nothing. compared to what we hear about God sometimes in different places. And so when I think about that, and that's what she's saying, I almost started to, I started, I created a new verb called Goding. And it's like loving, you know, someone, you know, and I want someone to God me, love me, you know, cause that's just what it meant. And so, um, So that was my first curriculum of love was, you know, the church and God. And then the next curriculum of love was TV. And movies. And, you know, I would just, like, sit there and go, oh, yes. One day. And... But my favorite love story is Lassie.

[10:53]

So, you know... So I was constantly, constantly begging for a dog. And I got several. You know, they didn't, you know, I couldn't relate to a few of them. One was a Doberman Pinscher. I could relate to him, and I ended up getting another dog later. But I thought that, you know, that would give me what, you know, Lassie was getting. I forgot what his buddy, Timmy. Yeah, what he was getting. You know, it's like, oh, this is so amazing. So that was my second huge curriculum. And believe it or not, that image and that being and that experience lasted embarrassingly, I mean, almost through my young adulthood, you know, because I was still looking for that essence that I saw on TV and in movies. And so only recently did I experience that you really cannot position yourself for love.

[11:54]

You can't really get in a place to make it come to you, you know, and to make it happen because that's not what love is, right? And so in my efforts to position myself, what I learned was that I was making myself both the object and the subject of love. And in that place of making myself both the object, the one to be loved or the one to love or the one who couldn't love, definitely limited the experience, I think, of what love can be. Because it's like she said, God is not interested in you. When I read this, I was like, really? I was like, this is very interesting. I wonder how many churches know about this. And he is interested in love.

[12:58]

Of course. Of course. And is that about the journey we all began when we are born? you know, that first journey, you know, and we go through various experiences, which I'm calling curriculums, to understand it, you know. And so I think my life experience, sometimes I like to pity myself or cry about it sometimes, but when I look at what really I endured as a person that experienced hatred on many, many levels, I think that what I was given was this huge journey of discovering and exploring what love is and what it means. And I think as a child, I innately felt that I felt that every human being was a loving human being and that every human being did love me.

[14:03]

And that's just from... As a child, I just felt that that was true. And so things would come to me and say, oh, it's not true. Oh, it's not true. And because things would happen that were very intense and like, oh, how could you think that or feel that? about me and you don't know me or you know me and how could you think about it or feel that you know and so I begin to really understand that the pain that I felt the actual pain that I felt was the love that I really love people so much that when I when they perceived me in a way that I felt was hateful or harmful it would hurt and so I think that we all have that I think that we, as human beings, that is our innate ability in nature to be loving human beings.

[15:04]

It comes up sometimes as pain, you know, and hurt and sorrow, despair. But that's your true nature of love knocking at the door. That's what I experience. Oh, I am loving. And I am loved, too, even though I have experienced all these things in my life. And so it really wasn't until I encountered the Buddhist teachings which was in about around 1988. So I've been practicing following the Buddhist teachings for about 21 years now, maybe more, I don't know. But the numbers don't matter really. It's just when I encountered Buddhist teachings, I would tell people, I found God. You know, I found it. I found the love. You know, I found a way to articulate it, you know, and and Buddhist teachings resonated so much with me.

[16:06]

And I said, yes, this is what I know. This is what I've been knowing as a child. This is it. This is that love that I've been talking about, that I've been feeling and that I know that all of us have. And I get so disappointed. sometimes and us as human beings you know and and that we know that and disappointed in myself as a human being and so um when i encountered um buddhist teachings it gave me the words you know actually to articulate uh um some of what i was feeling such as true nature you know true nature and um knowing that that's what I wanted to exude from me, was the true nature, because that's what I feel that I could see in other people, you know, is true nature. And so I feel that's closely linked and closely related to love.

[17:07]

And so my practice in exploring love was in ever-evolving, moving the me out of the way. as the object and the subject of this path. So think of love as this path here going down, and all of a sudden there's an object, you know, in the way of this path, and you kind of have to always go around it, you know. Or that object is pretty much ourselves, you know. And then we look at it and we judge the object in it, and we might even... develop a relationship with the object, or we might move ourselves and put another object, another person or a thing or something, you know, in that way or that path. And so as long as there's an object or a subject, that's what I learned for myself, I wasn't going to experience the true nature of being, the true nature of my life. And the one thing I always said to myself, I do not want to leave this earth without having loved.

[18:14]

somebody, you know, and somebody, someplace, and to see love in everything. You know, I didn't want to leave. Even though as a child I knew it was there, I don't feel like I could express it, you know, because I didn't have the privilege yet to express it because I really hadn't learned it in some way. You know, there were some things I need to learn how to express it. You know, how to, there's so many, you know, my partner here, Symbala, teaches at a school, and they have a lot of anger management. And I said, what about love management? You know, like we need love management classes, and that would help. We want to know how to express our anger better, but how to express our love better would be, to me, more of the journey that would help my, for myself, cool my fire, because I have a fire head, too, you know. I can get there, you know, easily, you know.

[19:16]

So, you know, I have to pray a lot about it, you know, cool my head, cool my head, cool my head, you know. But the fire is good for my creativity and for the things that I need to do in the world, but it's not good for the things I destroy. So what did the Buddha say? What did the Buddha say about love? and um and i can just the one sentence of course that always stood out for me was the liberation of the heart is love the liberation of the heart is love and so and of course the buddha was very good at giving us formulas and paths and phrases, and so he definitely, I know some of you know, he taught us the four phrases of cultivating these four phrases for love, and that's the metta, which is love, the karuna, which is compassion, and joy, mudita, and equanimity, upeka, and these are the brahma vijaras.

[20:26]

the Brahma, the Hadda, so the heavenly abodes, like most of us know about this one, and the home. So the heart is the home, so the liberation is in the home, and it's in the heart, and so that makes it possible for all of us because all of us have heart. We all have that, so it's very possible for us to, I think, experience this metta, that the Buddha taught. And I don't think he just taught it as an idea or a theory, and it was like, wow, this is a good idea. I think there was a lot of trouble in his sanghas. And so he had to find a way to help people liberate their hearts, to not be closed, even when you experience the most difficult experience, like hatred. You know, how to keep your heart open when others' hearts are closed.

[21:29]

You know, that is a practice. So that is, for me, again, the ever-evolving of moving the me out of the way, you know, so that that can happen. I wanted to, I like Sharon Salzberg's book, Loving Kindness, and I don't know if some of you read it, but there's a chapter on living our love. And I think that that's the only way you can really practice or any of the four phrases, the metta or karuna or medita. Rebecca, you have to live these teachings. You have to live Buddhist teaching. I could sit up here and talk all night and nothing will happen for you if you don't know anything about it. I can't do it for you. But what I think I could do probably is encourage you to try to join me. in the effort, in the journey to live it, you know, and so that we have different various ways of expressing it. But this is what I liked what she said about living love, Sharon, in her book.

[22:37]

And this is when she had gone to India and was with one of her teachers. And she said, our teacher said that those practicing here in the West sometimes remind him of people in a rowboat. They row. and roll with great earnestness and effort. But they neglect to untie the boat from the dock. I could feel that. You understand that? He said he noticed people striving diligently for powerful meditative experiences, wonderful transcendence, going beyond space, time, body and mind, but not seeming to care so much about how they relate to others in a day to day way. How much compassion do they express toward the plumber who is late or or the child who makes a mess, how much kindness, how much presence.

[23:38]

The path may lead to many powerful and sublime experiences, but the path begins here with our daily interactions with each other. And so I think, I feel that the practice of meditation and why I even ordained, and the ordained was to commit to this life, to this path, to this spiritual place of trying to get that boat untied from the dock, you know, and so that the efforts aren't in vain and also giving me a chance to not be isolated or disappointed with people. in the way that I was when I first had a misunderstanding of love. And so in this practice of Zen, Soto Zen and Zazen, I have been able to explore my inner world around love and my inner world around being related to all living beings.

[24:48]

and being related to nature. And so I have much gratitude for having the opportunity, because many, many countries you can't even sit here like we're sitting against the law. I mean, right now, Vietnam, they're attacking the monastery there where Thich Nhat Hanh's monks and nuns are. So we do have some privilege to practice love here, the privilege to learn it, and the privilege to walk and experience and receive it. And I don't take any of it for granted. And so I wear the robe to say that I'm committed to that journey and that effort. And so also you can't just wear a robe. You have to Basically commit your life to, and not, when it gets tough, go out the back door. And I usually have many back doors open, but I've sealed them up now.

[25:51]

And they're closed. I'm not going out the back door any longer. So what did the Buddha say to help cultivate our lives? Many, many things, but... The phrases, and we definitely chant the metasutta, you know, in the zendo. And so that's definitely what I call the medicine of love. It's the metasutta, the medicine of love. But they're also the metaphrases. And they also are meant to help cultivate our life of love. And they are, may I be free from danger. May I have mental happiness. May I have physical happiness. May I have ease of well-being. So I'm going to ask you to join me. I'll say the sentence in a verse and then you just repeat, call and response. May I be free from danger. May I be free from danger.

[26:52]

May I have mental happiness. May I have physical happiness. May I have ease of well-being. May I have ease of well-being. So, you know, I want to, like I said, I want to talk along. I want to have a conversation with you. And so I want to say, though, if there is an object on your path of love, then your path does not have the room it needs in your life. If there's an object on your path of love, It does not have the room it needs in your life. That's what I have come to know as the lesson for me that I wanted to share with you this evening. And so I didn't bring a watch for timing. Okay, good.

[27:55]

Great. It has a glare on it. Yeah. There you go. So I like to open up, you know, have a conversation, you know. Yes. You were talking about how pain comes up for us as an expression of love or can't come up as an expression of love where you're not getting love or nothing not to express it. And I'm wondering how you can tell the difference between the pain being an expression of love and the pain being an expression of, I'm just not getting what I want. I'm not getting a pleasure that I want. Because you mentioned that it is kind of hard to tell if love is just something you really, really like, you know? I understand. And I'm going to ask you to think about this with me.

[28:58]

So there's various levels of your pain, you know, that you have. So, you know, there's sometimes that pain where when you say we don't get what we want, perhaps we may have wanted a promotion or something or a position or something or we wanted something and we didn't get it. And so that pain, you know, kind of, it's disappointing, it hurts, you know, it is usually coupled with quite a bit of anger and rage. And then there's this thing that happens to us sometimes that you can't even be composed, even if you want to be. It's such a deep pain that you can't even speak to it. And it's just utterly unbelievable. That is... That is when we are encountering that place that we always hold.

[30:02]

I think as human beings, we hold this love, this innate love. We do. We don't talk about it as much, but we hold it. And then when it's not met, that's whatever way it's not met, that's when we feel it down here. That's when it's utterly unbearable. And that's how I knew that, oh, I do have, you know, I do love people. I do love. Otherwise, I wouldn't have felt this way, you know, at all. Otherwise, you know, I would be able to speak, you know. I don't even know, like some people say there's not a word for love, you know, really, even though we say it, the word love. And God is love in the Bible. It says God, whoever translated that to be that, but, or we have metta, you know, but, you know, Once we put the words to it, we start looking for the meaning, you know. And I really feel like what I'm talking about is almost there's almost no words for it.

[31:06]

It's primal. You know, it's very primordial something. Something about when we came into existence, human beings came into existence. Something that old. It's ancient. It's very ancient. That's why we have the word. It's very old. of the earth. Yeah. Is that good? Yeah, so I'll hand back there. Yes. The last thing after you, at the end of your talk, you said if there's an object on your path... Yeah. ...and the path doesn't have the room to hit me. So I... I... Have a glimmer of understanding, maybe, of what you mean. The object could be yourself. Somebody else. It could be somebody else or something. You know, I actually, Rumi speaks to it a bit.

[32:22]

If you read Rumi, he does speak to that when you become love itself. Actually, I think it's in Sharon's book as well. When you are love itself, then probably you have gotten to that place where you're not... When it's you that's the object, you're looking for you to be loved, you to love. That's the object, you, you know. But love itself as your nature, as your being, as you are, as you are right now, is the path. As you are right now in this moment, yes. That's the way I, from my experiences of life, it might be different for other people. I just want to add that, yeah.

[33:23]

Yeah. Yeah. So how does love for other individuals or, you know, those people that you do hold? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I think it is a different kind of love in some ways, and in some ways it's the same, because... I was just told not too long ago that if you wanted to be liberated, you had to be in relationship. Because there's nobody, you have to be close enough to somebody to say, uh-uh, or, okay, or, you know, something, you have to be close enough to people in order for what blocks you to come up. And so it doesn't have to be, it could be many close relationships i actually begin to understand um uh you know spiritual teacher and student student more and that you could have this relationship with a teacher you know um and and that is so close in and that if your teacher is rubbing up against you you have a good relationship going on there you know especially if you can talk about it

[34:40]

And especially if what goes on becomes the ground for the liberation. And so I was pretty that was pretty stunning to me when a person told me you can't be liberated unless you're in a relationship. And I was like. Whoa, you know, because definitely I have gotten out of many relationships, friendships and intimate relationships, you know, when they I just I can't handle it. You know, I gotta go. This is wearing me out, you know. And the more I would say that, and I'm just learning this, it's all new, that that woe is right where I need to be in order to be, you know, in that liberated place. I can be on the path of love without being in relationship, close relationship with people. You know, and friends. I really, you know, was starting to aspire to be a hermit at one point.

[35:44]

You know, it's like, this is much better. I am much better alone than when I'm with people. You know, but the reality is I'm not much better alone, really. I'm just, everything's locked down. Everything, nothing's being touched. Nothing's being tapped. I'm just, you know. having my own world, you know? And not to say I still take my solitude and my sacred space, because I'm the kind of person that likes it still. But I don't, I'm beginning to see the gold in relationship. It is true gold. Oh my gosh. Without it, oh my God. So, you know, you know, it's really... you know, important. I don't know if that helps. Yeah.

[36:45]

So when you get that, how do you go through that? Well, lately, I'll tell you how I've been doing it. My mind is obsessive, that's why. I'm impressed. So I have this, the movie, the movie gets played about the thing that's making me go, whoa, or I don't like it. It plays quite often, daily. And so what I've been doing is, which I'm learning too from the same person that talked about liberation in the relationship, is she always says, go vertical, go vertical. And that means don't go here and not there. Because usually when I'm like this, I'm like that. I'm definitely pointing, [...] you know, like you, [...] and what you do and what I wish you could do, what you're supposed to do.

[37:51]

And when I get vertical, What comes up is an incredible amount of pain. And just try it one time where you're not going to express anything that you feel, any of that discombobulation. You're going to keep it to yourself. You're going to go vertical instead of horizontal. Just try it for a week, a practice of that. It's quite amazing. Watch your body. You know, your stomach and your chest and your legs and the tension that you're, what you're doing to your body in it. What, you know, the harm you're doing to yourself. You know, so I've been watching that and it's, I've gotten to some really old places. Again, you know, in my own life, not even that far as ancient, ancient, but in my own life, some very old places.

[38:52]

You know, and I have forgotten about, you know, and it's shocking. It's like, oh, yes, I forgot that that that happened for me in my life and and why I need to have things this way or that way, you know, so that I could. I'm still working that thing back there in my life. You know, I don't like to look for things. You know, everything had to be in order in my house, you know, even though it's not. But, you know, I don't, it discombobulates me. That's old stuff. It's very old, you know, because there's some need to control it so something doesn't happen to me again, some particular experience that I've had. We don't remember them all, but everything, pretty much what we're doing is, you know, it's... We're positioning ourselves. We're constantly positioning ourselves to take care of ourselves.

[39:57]

We're trying to take care. It's okay. It's not bad. It's just something we do. I don't want to label it as a bad habit or something. That's the best I can say. Yes. I'm really loving this. And also when you're saying it liberates the heart to be vertical. For me, in practice, when I see how I'm pointing the finger out there, it's so shocking sometimes what I see, what I've always done or what is uncontrollable. that the shock of it is always as destructive as the habit of that experience. And to find that compassion for that space, that sea, and feel so, oh, my goodness.

[41:03]

Do you be able to reflect that a bit of your experience? Yeah. I think you do have to have, you know, oh, there's definitely many, many experiences in my life. I go, eek. You know, it's like... That was really the worst. And I have been in places where I beat up. I have been beating up on myself for having done it. Because remember, I've been positioning myself for love, kindness, and being nice and good, and all those things. So when I don't do that, or I feel I haven't done that, there's a place that now I must embrace that. You know, I must see that... I should have this person come talk to you. Anyway, she's really good. But she said that, and she does practice Buddhism too, and she said to me one time, you know, that you're violent.

[42:12]

Why don't you explore your own violence and aggression, which we all have, right? And I'm like, who, me? We all have it. And I said, well, when I was a kid, I used to fight a lot. And my parents were, my mother was very violent with me. So I learned it. That's how I learned. Actually, love and violence went together. That's what I learned in my family life. So I picked violent partners. in my life in the beginning, you know. And so when she told me to look at the violence and aggression, I was afraid of that. That scared me. And I said, well, what would that look like? I don't want to go around beating people up again. That's not what I want to do. And so I really sat with that, you know, and I really saw. I said, you know, it could be as subtle as not taking action

[43:16]

the time or care to let somebody know you care about them, you know, and withholding it. That's pretty violent and aggressive. That can be aggressive. That can be harmful. You know, so I think it's... I didn't put myself down when I saw it, but I did accept it and embrace it and see that as... the other side of the same side, really, of that path of love that I've been on for a long, long time. Because I have had doors shut on my face for the color I am, or spit in the face, or beat up. I have had physical violence for who I am without people knowing who I am. This is as a kid, as a child. And I didn't understand it because I'm a kid.

[44:18]

So I took that in. And of course that's there for me. Of course that part is there. And that's part of that path. And that's why for me, if I become the complete object on that path, that way with all of that, I'm never going to experience love. So I have to take the me out of that. in the sense of that doesn't mean I'm not going to heal. That doesn't mean I don't pay attention to those wounds. But I see those wounds as part of that path of the liberation. This is the path I took. I have to take. This is the path that happened in my life, not maybe in some other sites. People have other things. That's their path. And so when those things come up, big discombobulating things, I think you're right on the path. You're right there. You know, I think I'm right there when those things happen, you know, and then I get to keep moving, you know, through it, you know, and get help.

[45:23]

I don't do it by myself, you know. I get help, you know, and that's part of being in a relationship with everyone, with my teachers and partner, anyone, you know, to seek help, you know, and speak, express it. It's not a secret. It's just not a secret. You can actually look at people and see when you're in agony. It comes out. We can't fake it. We can't position ourselves. It takes a lot of energy. if you can think of an example that should be willing to share of a time when you experienced hatred and then since you've been working with love if you've had that happen and kind of have a turning with that and not as hatred basically well let's see

[46:33]

You know, I actually had some recent experiences. You know, I was, it was a day, and I really had this, let's see, how did it start? I went to this place to get something scanned. It's a media place. And I remember the owner, I had met him years ago, he didn't remember me. And when I went in to get this art scanned, you know, I could see on there because I had to go. No one was at the front desk. I had to go back into the work area. And I could see on their face like. And, you know, and this woman grabbed her purse and she grabbed her, gathered herself as if, you know, I was going. And I'm like, what's going on? I just need something scanned, you know. And I walked away feeling, having experienced that quite a bit in my life, you know, thinking, oh, it's because I'm black or something like that.

[47:47]

That's what came up to my mind. And then the person who was in the reception wouldn't ask me, did I need any help? And then when the boss, who's very nice, came out and said, I'll help you, he had to come out and say, I'll help you. He asked the guy, would you help her? And he didn't want to. And so I said, okay, but the guy that I knew helped me, you know. And then I went to another place where he sent me. And so it was Kinko. I went to Kinko's. And when I got there, I was standing there in line and right in the front line, me in the cashier to ask about the scanning. And the guy called another guy from the other line to come in front of me. And the guy asked him a question. about something. I don't even know what it was. I just stood there. I didn't say anything. I just stood and waited and I watched. I watched myself. That's who I was watching. I was going vertical. Watching what was happening with my body and just looking and listening and seeing if, in fact, maybe this guy should go ahead.

[48:52]

You know, what's going on? And then so the guy saw me and he said, he looked and he said, oh, what is it that you needed? Like that really quick. And I said, well... So I took my time. What I needed was a lot. I said, I need this scanned. I need this. I need that. And he was like, oh, no. And then so, I mean, he was like, this is too much. And I thought I was going to be able to move you faster away. And so finally, you know, I just decided I wasn't going to get the attention I needed for this art that I was getting scanned. And so I said, you know, I think I changed my mind, you know. And then so I went, and so he went back to the guy, and the guy, basically the guy wanted to buy a ruler. So, I don't know, I can't go down, I don't know why he's buying a ruler there, but. So then I went to the last place where I was referred to, and right away, you know, I was helped, you know, and, you know,

[50:00]

It wasn't anything about, you know, I didn't get any, like, what you're doing here, why you're here, what you want. It was nothing. It was like, I'm obviously here to get services around scanning or something, because that's what the business is. And I, you know, so I really, I realized that there were three different experiences. And even in the end, I was so, and then the very last experience was the most sweet. Because I went to this one guy, this place in Richmond, and even though where I was going, and I went in through the back, through the work area again. So I already had experience about going in the work area, right? So I'm like, oh God, I'm in the wrong door. And I said, I said, hello, nobody was there. And I said, wow, nobody's back here. I said, they just have all their equipment out here, nobody's here. And so I walked through the front part of the door and I said, I better be careful because they might jump off here or something, thinking I'm gonna steal something.

[51:03]

This is going through my mind. And so I kind of like, hello, going through the door to the front part where I was supposed to be, the reception part. And the guy comes, he says, oh, hi, how are you doing, you know? And I said, I'm sorry I came through your work area, but I didn't know, you know, where the front was. Oh, everybody does that, blah, blah, blah. And then they took my art, and they were so sweet and so nice, you know, with my pieces. You know, my art had this big canvas that I needed to get scanned, and they were just, like, I felt like they were my brothers, and they were looking... You know, I'm going to help their sister get this art done. And this is all experiences with people, you know, to me, that are various experiences. And I was telling someone, I said, they were all white people. And it was really great because it really didn't matter. It really mattered for me how I was going to be. And in each place, I definitely did not give up.

[52:11]

any kind of um you know uh i i felt things in my body but i didn't like how dare you it was none of that none of it came out that way and so it helped me by the time i got to the last to be just filled with the love that was there if i hadn't if i had a big attitude by then i probably would have been had an attitude with them, and they would wonder why I had attitudes, you know, or something, you know, because they had no idea what I had been through in the last hour, you know, and so you just, that's, you know, I feel like I experienced a bit of that kind of, we don't have time for you, but at the same time, I felt like I came through it, you know, I really came through it without um jeopardizing my own uh way i i want to be my own nature of who i am i could hold it you know and that that was important you know the nature of being you know so that's a cultivation that's called to me how you cultivate you know too you know so yeah last one

[53:27]

He's talking about a lot of love. So I asked, what is the love he's talking about? He said, yes to the belongingness. It's what? Yes to the belongingness. And also, he was talking about the connectedness. I have part of connecting with other people or to myself. So I asked him, how I can connect to other people to connect to myself? He said, I agree. A little bit more. You have to be connected, you know, with yourself. And I had talked earlier about nature and that if you're not even connected to nature, you won't be on that path of love because it is connection.

[54:36]

It is relationship to all living beings, all things around you, everything around you, the tree and the person sitting next to you. Yeah. How can you know? How can you be connected? Well, it's not in your head. Yeah, so you're going to have to look at that person that's sitting next to you right now. You see her? Look at her. Look at her. Look at her. And see how beautiful she is and how beautiful she sees how beautiful you are. Just look at her. And if it's hard, that's okay. You'll just keep doing it. Because it was hard for me. I would never look at people in the eye. I would be on the street and I'd go like this. You know, but I realize I can't live that way. You can't live isolated.

[55:37]

You want love. You are love. You are connected, yes. But you have to look and see it and feel it. If you look at her and keep looking, that's your practice every day. Look at people and see what you feel. Even if you recoil, Feel that. And just keep doing it. Keep practicing until whatever goes on is not there. That's that object. That object has been removed. You know. Keep doing it. You will feel it. It's incredible. I'm still practicing. I'm not there. But, you know, it's an incredible feeling. That's all I can say. Thank you. We're going to sing a Native song. Amen.

[56:54]

Wee-hey-ah-ah, wee-hey-ah-ah Wee-ah, wee-ah, wee-ah-wee-ah, wee-ah-hey-oh Un-che-wom-le-clash-gah-wah It's the way I've been through Wana-hey-hey-love Wana-hey-hey-love, Wana-hey-hey-love Flying with the eagle.

[57:47]

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