So I wanted to talk today about finding our practice exactly in the life that we happen to have. And looking at my notes and thinking about this talk, I had this feeling that I've been getting lately when I talk, which is it can't be about this again. How can we keep talking about the same thing week after week, day after day again? find your place where you are. You know, be here now. And then variations on the theme. And then to find that I'm actually genuinely excited and interested in this kind of new idea. What if we just find our practice exactly in the life that we have? And I want to get up here and I want to talk about it and spread the news as though it's something that we haven't all heard so many times before so we hear it to completely be this life that we have and then we flip again into thinking that actually we should probably have some other life and then be present for that one and then we put our work into creating the better life that we will then be able to be fully present and totally engaged with and then we need a reminder

[01:29]

We need to come back to our center and renew our intention to actually practice in the life that we have now, this kind of so-so, not particularly spiritual life. So, here at Green Gulch, we just finished three weeks of intensive practice, which is really a wonderful thing to do. I think a number of the people here today were part of that. The deep silence that can come from an extended retreat, just morning after morning, waking up and coming to this hall and sitting and eating and chanting and sitting and hearing the Dharma and bringing up the Dharma together, really as one body, is completely supported to let go of every, really of everything, of any engagements or involvements or busyness that we have outside of this little valley.

[02:50]

It's completely supported to let go of that and just to concentrate together with everybody, on what it is that we really are when we let go of everything that we think we are, when we let go of everything that we define ourselves by and identify with. I confess that I actually was unable to do this retreat, and many of you were also unable to do this retreat. So having, you know, being kind of in the aftermath here of this unsurpassed monastic practice, I'm left with this question, both for those of you who were able to do the retreat, and at least as much, if not more, for those of us like me who were unable to do this retreat.

[03:54]

Where are we left? Where does it leave us? For a lot of Buddhist history, it's been enough for us just to know that some of our friends and mentors did a great retreat. That was kind of our spiritual life, really. can be gained kind of vicariously through knowing and connecting with people who are able to put all of these things aside. And in a sense, for all of us to find this basic truth about what the self really is, about what being alive really is. So the best we can do in this kind of historical Buddhist perspective, the best we can do is support that and, you know, bring rice to the monastery so that they don't have to grow their own, so that they can just concentrate on what it is to be alive and hope that maybe one day we can organize our life or be reborn in some better life where we can do the retreat ourselves and then be actually fully spiritual people.

[05:23]

who have a chance at understanding what life is and what it is to be alive. This is kind of the Indian Buddhist archetype, where shunning the world, turning his back on the world, the Buddha leaves his family, leaves all of his entanglements, and climbs the mountain. you know, disentangles from the mundane whirl that is our comings and goings. It seems like in most of California, then, that archetype is no longer really suiting us. And I question, too, whether that image of the kind of Yogi on the mountaintop is really helpful to us in our life.

[06:31]

So I really do sincerely believe that formal Zen practice is maybe the most wonderful and beautiful thing that a human being can do. And I really don't want to diminish that in any way. A lot of what we do from this seat actually is encourage people to try to make some space in their life to see, well, maybe there are some conditions in your life that can be arranged so that you can come out to Green Vulture, you can create some sacred space and sacred time in your life to really turn your mind towards what it is basically to be alive. And at the same time, as wonderful as that is, as wonderful as this kind of formal spiritual life is, there's a problem that arises sort of immediately with it. You know, as soon as we have a zendo, we have this problem. So we're willing to have a zendo.

[07:32]

Thank you, Suzuki Roshi, and all of those who turned this old barn into a zendo. But as soon as there's a zendo there, we imagine that the zendo is the place where Zen happens. That's kind of what it means. Zen place, which is fine, but the other side of that is that Zen probably isn't happening right here when I'm not in the Zendo. One of the things that Lee DeBarros often mentions when he gives Tazen instruction is chair sitting. get very excited about sitting in a chair. Because if you're sitting in a chair meditation, if you're used to sitting meditation in a chair, you're less likely to be confused by these black cushions, you know? We find ourselves sitting in chairs pretty regularly.

[08:35]

And if we know that sitting in a chair is the way, then when we're on the bus, we're not confused that, well, there's no Zabutans and Zafus on the bus. So I'll have to hold my breath, you know, until the bus pulls into Green Gulch. Whereas if we're used to sitting in a chair, then we know, whenever we're sitting in a chair, that we have complete opportunity in that moment to connect with our life, to connect with who we are, to let go of who we think we are, and to enter... at the actual moment of the ongoing meditation. So there are some people, some people who really, really suffer with this longing for monastic life.

[09:45]

and I don't know if some of you are in that category, really suffering with the burden of their everyday life and really wishing that the conditions would somehow open up so that they could enter more spiritual practice. And in this Indian Buddhist archetype, that was really understood as a kind of call, and if it's possible then, based on that call, to rearrange your life, to leave your family, to quit your job, and to enter the monastery, then you should. This kind of call, this desire for spiritual practice is really the most true or most real thing. And that all of our entanglements in the mundane world should really be kind of pushed aside so that we can do that. But in the Mahayana, in great vehicle Buddhism, and especially in California Zen, where both the best quality and the worst quality is that we don't have to give anything up.

[11:13]

We really don't emphasize that. We see it a little differently. We see, okay, if you have this spiritual intention, if you have this spiritual calling, then make that be your life. Live that life now in the conditions that you have. So the value of monastic practice or any kind of formal practice, even sitting meditation, is that it It imposes some limits and contains us, kind of locks us in to this particular form where we can then observe our various graspings and clingings and purify ourselves by surrendering to the limitations. Monastic life formal practice is all about surrendering to the limitation of the forms. The truth is, though, that we all have plenty of limitation as it is and that we, in my view, we're less and less do I feel like I need to trade in my current limitations for some different limitations.

[12:26]

If we accept the premise that monastic life is valuable because of the ways that it limits us and forces us to let go, I expect most of us have plenty, sufficient limits, you could say, within which we can let go or to which we can let go. We can surrender to this life in the same way. And in fact, it's exactly the same skill, surrendering to this life and surrendering to some kind of idealized spiritual life. So generally speaking, we want more of whatever it is. Mark Lesser was here not too long ago, and he's been traveling around talking about less. Maybe less is the direction.

[13:29]

But for the most part, in our material life, and also in our approach to our spiritual life, we're in the zone of more. Give me more. For those of us who don't live on the grounds may be thinking, I should get to Zen Center more. I hear that I'll run into somebody on the street who I know likes to come by Zen Center. It's like, oh yeah, I should go more. I'll go more to Zen Center. And then there's the people who are here living at Zen Center who... you know, don't always make it to the zendo when they want to and, oh, I should go, you know, I'll go to the zendo more. And then there's the people who sit every period of zazen, you know, who can have the same feeling. It's not, I'm not quite sitting enough. So, you know, I get the green tea at night and come into the zendo, you know, to squeeze those extra couple moments of zazen so that you can get more, so that you can get enough to fill this incomplete

[14:38]

being that we perceive. I'm not enough. My life isn't enough. And as spiritual people, we're pretty much aware that the cars and the gadgets and everything else that we sort of long for or try to fill ourselves with won't really do it. But we often fall into actually the same... to our spiritual practice. I definitely have been of the Moore school. I really wanted to trade in the limitations and problems that I had for some better ones. And trade in the people who were limiting me for some better people to limit me. So I... Very much in the thrall of this idea that the more I could do a formal practice, the more spiritual a person I would be.

[15:55]

I went to Japan to go live in a monastery there and train... hard and more and have no other life than formal practice. So I spent about a year and a half practicing in Japan. Even there, when I was completely immersed in formal practice, there was still the impulse or the sense that it wasn't quite enough and that I needed to do more. I needed to sit more, definitely needed to sit better, and more wouldn't hurt. And what I ultimately found, what I really came back feeling after the more

[17:07]

basically just burned me out was that rather than having the right kind of limitations and the right kind of problems the practice is to sit down and formal Zen is good at reminding us of this but it can be misleading if we think that it means a particular form of just sitting down completely exactly in the life and the problems and the limitations that we have. Feeling like that effort is actually exactly the same when we're in a monastery getting up very early and being harassed constantly, or when we're in our ordinary life getting up early and being harassed constantly. Surrendering to that is actually the practice, is actually the point, is actually the liberation that Buddhism offers, and is completely equally available wherever we find ourselves.

[18:23]

I actually believe that even though there are some conditions that support a state of mind of surrendering, fundamentally, we all equally have, in every moment, the possibility to surrender to our life. One of the practices that I have that really helps me to remember this is to go into San Quentin where we have a weekly sitting group. And to basically make the case to the men who are trying to find Zen in San Quentin, make the case to them that they can, that the practice is available right where they are, that they don't need to be free

[19:36]

and then come to Zen Center or something in order to find some spiritual fulfillment. But they can actually find it in the life, in the limitations that they have. And every time I go, I'm really reminded of that possibility in my own life. So I'll spend the week thinking, you know, I can't really practice under these conditions at Green Gulch, you know. It's too busy and it's too cloudy and... you know, the people I already mentioned. And then we chat, you know, and there's not really enough zazen. And I, you know, for all of the lessons that I learned in Japan about more is not better, I still, you know, several times a day fall into thinking that my conditions need some kind of manipulation, after which I'm totally on board.

[20:40]

Just some small adjustments. And then to walk through the gates at San Quentin and to say, you don't need to change anything about where you are or what you're doing with your day in order to find the liberation of... what we are, the liberation of no self and the liberation of a positive, compassionate life. So, Monday morning, you know, I always feel a little bit more willing to accept my own circumstance and renewed in my effort to find my practice right in the circumstances I have. There was a A very moving talk by one of the inmates some time ago that really acknowledged the limitation that basically, you know, we go into San Quentin and we think, oh, these poor inmates, they're so limited, you know.

[21:52]

There's so much they can't do, they're so limited. And Richard, one of the inmates, spoke very beautifully about basically how... how thoroughgoing limitation is. So he can't walk through those gates, but none of us can fly, and a lot of us need glasses to see, and we're basically all operating in this very close container of limitation. And that finding freedom then isn't sort of easier or more natural for us free people, you know, who don't have many limitations to work with. And then it must be so difficult for these limited people in San Quentin. But more like finding our way within limitation is really all of our situation. Whatever those limitations are, whether it's prison, whether it's a monastery, whether it's work life, whether it's family, we're basically limited and finding our freedom in surrendering

[23:03]

and accepting the limitation, is more and more, in my view, the path. Letting go, letting go of everything, means having the life that you have. So we maybe think that, well, letting go of everything means, looks like, you know, upright, sitting in a dark room, and there is some kind of letting go that's required to do that. But I've been thinking a lot lately about the letting go that actually looks like this. It looks like activity. If we accept dependent arising, that everything is being co-created all the time by all the conditions.

[24:04]

throughout space and time, then letting go of our self-involvement or of our self-controlling of the situation isn't actually going to change that situation. I think this is a very important point, and I hope I'm able to get it across. Letting go doesn't necessarily look like anything other than the same life you had before you let go. So we say enlightenment doesn't have any characteristics. You can't point it out. You can't say, well, there's enlightenment and there's not enlightenment. Because it's the same dependent arising, the same universe is unfolding, I would say, whether we're holding on or letting go. We might find that if we do this letting go, You know, that then becomes a condition that affects the world, as in people are a little nicer to you.

[25:07]

But basically what we're left with is our same life. So letting go is also letting go into activity. We let go and we're doing something. It's not that we let go so then we're not doing it anymore. That's like a holding on. to not doing something. Letting go, more like going with the flow, letting go of obstructing the flow, which means we are just manifesting whatever activity and whatever dependent arising is happening. And still I think, and still I think a lot of us think that letting go is going to look like some change, and that I can bring about letting go by pushing on something to make something change. as opposed to more like falling into the conditions that are already arising. And Zen training then is about learning tools and getting support from others to do that, surrendering to our life.

[26:22]

So this question that's very alive for me and that I think is really at the heart of Zen is how do we train or how do we cultivate this surrender. You know, it's hard to just say surrender, you know, and then you surrender. So we take up some provisional means. We pick up some tools like seated meditation, like visiting a temple. And we find that those things help us surrender to our life. and to let go into what's actually happening. And I guess what I'm encouraging is that we always see our meditation practice and our going to the teacher and our asking for the support of the sangha, that we understand all of that not as our trying to create a better life or a more spiritual life so much as

[27:29]

to really surrender and let go into the life that we're living. So... There's this distinction in Buddhism between dissatisfaction and disillusion. So in a sense, the Buddha was not satisfied with his life. He was dissatisfied and disillusioned. And he had what's called way-seeking mind. He had this aspiration to engage on the spiritual path.

[28:29]

And I think all of us, just by our being here, evidence this aspiration for spiritual attainment, so this way-seeking mind. And I found when I was kind of aggressively manifesting my way-seeking mind, as in I really need to find the way and you need to get out of my way so I can find the way, People often told me that I seemed dissatisfied. Of course I'm dissatisfied. I'm seeking the way, and there's just suffering over here. I am dissatisfied with this life, and I'm going to seek out of my deep desire to understand what I am in order to be of some small use to others. I need to really notice this dissatisfaction and go do something better.

[29:39]

And you can find plenty of support in the Buddhist teachings to do that. Disillusion. So the Buddha talks about the kind of virtue of being disillusioned. So we see that we're just caught in our grinding life. And we're disillusioned. And that disillusion is a kind of way-seeking mind that's really wholesome and that's really helpful for our practice. This kind of sense that this isn't working, this way that I'm living isn't working, and I need to turn and find some other way. That disillusion to me is a kind of, it's getting sick of getting sick of our grasping, getting sick really of rejecting our life. So when the Buddha talks about disillusion, I think that that's more and more, I feel like that's what he means.

[30:45]

He means don't get sick of your friends and sick of your job and think that that's the kind of disillusion that's you turning to the spiritual path. Get really noticed, become really aware of, and find that you're actually really sick of this energy that we're constantly putting out towards blocking and pushing our life. So get tired of going against the flow. Get really sick of that, and then you can naturally turn to the way. But it's a subtle point because it's not included in that disillusion with how we're living is an acknowledgement that basically dissatisfaction is going to be around. And this is a kind of charming moment in every aspirant's initial days in temple life.

[31:55]

I'm still dissatisfied. I've come all this way and I'm still dissatisfied. So knowing and appreciating and opening to the kind of all-pervading nature of dissatisfaction is key. And we can get, you know, we might get tired of that, but basically Buddha teaches that we should stay pretty open to that suffering. So it's not that based on our dissatisfaction with our life, we turn and do something else. It's more subtle, more kind of basic point. Based on this kind of disillusion with how it is that we're approaching our own suffering, then we try to turn around our approach to our suffering. So, do you see the distinction? That if I'm dissatisfied with my friends, and I want to get better friends, that's kind of responding to my dissatisfaction and trying to make something change.

[33:02]

But I'm just going to be equally dissatisfied with my next set of friends. And I'll be, you know, and I'll have heard a lot of people in the process. Whereas the disillusion, that basically that dissatisfaction is going to be wherever we are forever. Forget it, get over it. You're gonna be dissatisfied. The spiritual path is not finding a way of living that doesn't include dissatisfaction. But the disillusion is this fighting, this kind of fighting against the conditions, fighting against even our own dissatisfaction. We're kind of weary of that. And from that deep kind of disharmony with how it is that we're approaching our life, we can make some turn, some kind of subtle spiritual turn to be more open and more surrendered to the life that we have.

[34:04]

So this is continuous practice There was at one of the temples that I practiced at in Japan, after sashins were over, we would do a seven-day sashin, you know, just zazen, which was more, a little more zazen than the usual all-the-time zazen. And after sashin, a sign would go up on the meditation hall that said, jo sashin, always sashin. or eternal sashin. And we would say, yeah, it's always sashin, you know, so just because sashin's over and I haven't had any rest, I'm going to sit tonight too, you know, because always sashin means keep up this kind of bone crushing effort. Because it's always sashin. But the more, the deeper I feel like I get in my study of Zen, the more I feel like Zen really isn't

[35:21]

this kind of discipline. It's not this kind of external, superficial discipline. And that the meaning of a sign like eternal sashin is what I'm trying in this clumsy way to talk about. That sashin is always available. Sashin didn't stop because we stopped sitting. Sashin is still completely available. Our practice, our spiritual life is completely available before sashin, during sashin, and after sashin. So we, you know, and the teacher, meanwhile, was kind of shaking his head, you know, watching we kind of sincere seekers take that to mean we need to keep this kind of bone crushing. Instead of seeing that what it meant is just don't get stuck. Don't get stuck thinking, well, that was Zen practice there, and now I've got to just wait it out until I get to do more Zen practice. But that where we are, what we are, is basically sashim, is basically as complete a spiritual opportunity as we will ever have.

[36:30]

In fact, it's the only spiritual opportunity that we will ever have. So if we want to follow a spiritual path, and if we aspire to be spiritual people, we need to to really concentrate our efforts, not in creating a life that has more practice and getting away from a life that has less practice, but really completely accepting and opening to the fullness of the opportunity that's right before us in every moment. There's really no moment of more opportunity or less opportunity. And at the same time, there are things that help. There are tools. There's meditation. There's sangha. And we practice all of those things wholeheartedly. And we observe the way that they suffuse our life with this kind of opening and joy and warmth and compassion. We can kind of practice this letting go.

[37:36]

But to understand coming to the zendo as a kind of training or practicing for the letting go that we're going to keep doing rather than kind of getting something that we'll then need to not have for a while and then we can get again. So I've been talking lately a lot about the Japanese and American Zen. It's something I've been thinking about and I recently wrote too many pages about Japanese and American Buddhism and how I see them interacting based on my experience in Japan and also here, the training in the West. And I find the more I talk about it, that really what I mean is by bringing up this kind of image of Japanese training and this kind of image of American training, really what I mean is how do we find each of us for ourself

[38:36]

this kind of balance of structure, kind of diligent, concentrated effort, and this kind of wide-open, sort of, it's all good, kind of letting go of faith in original enlightenment. And that this is really a basic question of Buddhist practice. So in the same way that this tension between how much zazen will help our life and how many sashins do we need in our life, to really ask that for ourselves is the same question that we ask each time we sit down in zazen. How much do I just accept this distracted mind? And how much do I make an effort to train my mind onto my breath and really structure my effort in meditation? So without confusion, finding this balance between offering ourselves some structure and knowing that what we're after, what we have, doesn't need any structure at all, doesn't need any particular inputs.

[40:03]

It is completely available here now. Now, if you just sit down with that attitude, you might not have the best period of meditation. So we find that, hey, I actually want to follow my breath. Or, hey, it's been too long since I've been at Zen Center. I want to go to Zen Center. I want to sit Zazen. So we do that. Finding that balance is really the art of Zen. So in closing here, Suzuki Roshi says that the difference between the art of Zen and true Zen is that you already have true Zen without trying. I think that's what I'm trying to remind myself of and remind all of us of, that as diligent and wholehearted as we are in our mastery and pursuit of the art of Zen, let's not miss true Zen that we already have before we started trying and that doesn't ask that we change

[41:08]

any of the details of our life. So thank you all for listening and for your practice. And may our coming together here this morning somehow bring benefit and ease to this world.

[41:30]

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